resisting the temptation to teach
Verna
I have been on here alot lately, reading as much as I can in spare
time and playing with the kids, watching them play, and I have to say
honestly having the best time we have had in a long time. I ask about
one of my sons difficulties with transitions just a few weeks ago...
we have had so few difficulties since I quit trying to rush him
through stuff and started really listening to his concerns. I am not
saying I have been perfect in anyway but have tried to just relax. We
have been talking alot more about what they would like to do, their
interests, just trying to listen to them more. It is easier in some
ways with my two older boys My 6 year old has always had a wide range
of interests and has talked alot about several things he would like to
do. I found him software so he could do the stop motion animation
video he has been talking about and he is excited. So my question,
using that as an example, is how much do I know get involved. I dont
want to take over, of course, but he does need some help figuring out
the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to guide? I
dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to get so
frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How do you find
a balance?
time and playing with the kids, watching them play, and I have to say
honestly having the best time we have had in a long time. I ask about
one of my sons difficulties with transitions just a few weeks ago...
we have had so few difficulties since I quit trying to rush him
through stuff and started really listening to his concerns. I am not
saying I have been perfect in anyway but have tried to just relax. We
have been talking alot more about what they would like to do, their
interests, just trying to listen to them more. It is easier in some
ways with my two older boys My 6 year old has always had a wide range
of interests and has talked alot about several things he would like to
do. I found him software so he could do the stop motion animation
video he has been talking about and he is excited. So my question,
using that as an example, is how much do I know get involved. I dont
want to take over, of course, but he does need some help figuring out
the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to guide? I
dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to get so
frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How do you find
a balance?
Sandra Dodd
-=-So my question,
using that as an example, is how much do I know get involved. I dont
want to take over, of course, but he does need some help figuring out
the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to guide? I
dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to get so
frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How do you find
a balance? -=-
If he asks for help try to help him (and not take it over from him,
and not "make him do it your way").
I've had that trouble too. Sometimes they want just a little help.
Sometimes they want a lot. Sometimes they don't know how much help
they need. Make it a dialog, a dance, a partnership. Help a little,
gauge his reaction, ask if he wants you to look something up, or call
someone, or something indirectly helpful, and he might not even have
thought of that.
-=-I dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to
get so frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied.-=-
Some ways to help forestall frustration are to bring food or water or
a drink; offer gum or mints or music or more silence or better
lighting or close the blinds... Help see to his comfort. If he's
getting tense, say something sweet or light or funny. If he's
getting REALLY tense, maybe ask him to help you do something physical
(change a light bulb or get something off a high shelf or check the
maibox or feed the dog)--something that gets him out and away from
the project for just a minute or five, so he can breathe and think
and get calmer. If he doesn't go right back to it, don't worry.
Don't mess up his workspace in the meantime.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
using that as an example, is how much do I know get involved. I dont
want to take over, of course, but he does need some help figuring out
the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to guide? I
dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to get so
frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How do you find
a balance? -=-
If he asks for help try to help him (and not take it over from him,
and not "make him do it your way").
I've had that trouble too. Sometimes they want just a little help.
Sometimes they want a lot. Sometimes they don't know how much help
they need. Make it a dialog, a dance, a partnership. Help a little,
gauge his reaction, ask if he wants you to look something up, or call
someone, or something indirectly helpful, and he might not even have
thought of that.
-=-I dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to
get so frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied.-=-
Some ways to help forestall frustration are to bring food or water or
a drink; offer gum or mints or music or more silence or better
lighting or close the blinds... Help see to his comfort. If he's
getting tense, say something sweet or light or funny. If he's
getting REALLY tense, maybe ask him to help you do something physical
(change a light bulb or get something off a high shelf or check the
maibox or feed the dog)--something that gets him out and away from
the project for just a minute or five, so he can breathe and think
and get calmer. If he doesn't go right back to it, don't worry.
Don't mess up his workspace in the meantime.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
> I dontIf he needs and wants help, offer it. If he needs and wants guidance,
> want to take over, of course, but he does need some help figuring out
> the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to guide? I
> dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him to get so
> frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How do you find
> a balance?
>
provide it. If he gets frustrated, he might need and want help getting
past it (just listening to his frustration is good) or he might not.
Sometimes, it helps to watch and figure out when to step in and when
to step back.
My dd had a game on her DS that she struggled with. She put it aside
for awhile, until she felt more ready to deal with the challenges -
her challenges. If I had suggested she should keep at it because she
said she wanted it so bad and wanted to learn to play it, it wouldn't
have helped. She definitely would have quit before her interest was
satisfied, because I would have been interfering with her process. I
just asked her about the situation and she said "I recommend taking a
break and going back to it later." Perhaps I suggested that, perhaps
she came to that on her own. In any case, I tried to be responsive to
what she needed and wanted at the time.
It's possible that she might not have pursued that game again at all.
And that would have been okay. Letting go of the expectation of a
certain outcome was a helpful principle for me.
Robin B.
Gwen
When Megan (7) gets a new computer/video game she likes to sit on my lap so I can see what she has created/found. I'm also there to read any instructions that pop up, but she generally doesn't want any input about how to do things.
This was hard for me at first because I'm more of a "read and follow the instructions" kind of person. By the time she needed my help I didn't know what to do. I learned that it was a good idea for me to work through the game (as much as I could) and read the instructions after Megan went to sleep. By doing that I could help her when she wanted me to help.
One of her favorite games is Zoo Tycoon Extinct Animals. She's had it for about six months and has spent many hours playing with dinosaurs and creating breeding groups. This week we've been working on a zoo together. In the past she has let me pick which animal she places next. This is the first time she's invited me to help her create a zoo and we are taking turns adding animals. We've been talking about how to keep zoo guests and animals happy. Yesterday she found a new aspect of the game. I'm pretty sure I told her about it when we bought the game, but it didn't interest her at the time. Now she is interested and I can offer help when she needs it.
It also helps her if I ask her if she is getting frustrated and if she needs a break.
Gwen
This was hard for me at first because I'm more of a "read and follow the instructions" kind of person. By the time she needed my help I didn't know what to do. I learned that it was a good idea for me to work through the game (as much as I could) and read the instructions after Megan went to sleep. By doing that I could help her when she wanted me to help.
One of her favorite games is Zoo Tycoon Extinct Animals. She's had it for about six months and has spent many hours playing with dinosaurs and creating breeding groups. This week we've been working on a zoo together. In the past she has let me pick which animal she places next. This is the first time she's invited me to help her create a zoo and we are taking turns adding animals. We've been talking about how to keep zoo guests and animals happy. Yesterday she found a new aspect of the game. I'm pretty sure I told her about it when we bought the game, but it didn't interest her at the time. Now she is interested and I can offer help when she needs it.
It also helps her if I ask her if she is getting frustrated and if she needs a break.
Gwen
> -=-So my question, using that as an example, is how much do I know get
> involved. I dont want to take over, of course, but he does need some help
> figuring out the software. How do you resist teaching, but continue to
> guide? I dont want to push him past his interest, but dont want him
> to get so frustrated he quits before his interest is satisfied. How
> do you find a balance? -=-
laura g
Another thing they are into is Roblox. I read about it on here and the boys love it but were getting kind of frustrated last night cause they couldnt figure something out. J didnt want to give B a turn till he did. I didnt know either and cant do things like that without time to concentrate. Funny thing is I get much more frustrated than they do. My husband just takes over so we dare not ask him! Anyway, they finally tired and went to bed so I sat up for several hours last night playing the game and figuring things out. Now I am armed with a few answers anyway... Although not as many as you might think after playing that long.
Thanks for the insights.
_________________________________________________________________
Get thousands of games on your PC, your mobile phone, and the web with Windows®.
http://clk.atdmt.com/MRT/go/108588800/direct/01/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks for the insights.
_________________________________________________________________
Get thousands of games on your PC, your mobile phone, and the web with Windows®.
http://clk.atdmt.com/MRT/go/108588800/direct/01/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
karvelmurugan
please send naturr,sea,actors picture
--- In [email protected], laura g <lalow@...> wrote:
>
>
> Another thing they are into is Roblox. I read about it on here
and the boys love it but were getting kind of frustrated last night
cause they couldnt figure something out. J didnt want to give B a
turn till he did. I didnt know either and cant do things like that
without time to concentrate. Funny thing is I get much more
frustrated than they do. My husband just takes over so we dare not
ask him! Anyway, they finally tired and went to bed so I sat up for
several hours last night playing the game and figuring things out.
Now I am armed with a few answers anyway... Although not as many as
you might think after playing that long.
> Thanks for the insights.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Get thousands of games on your PC, your mobile phone, and the web
with Windows®.
> http://clk.atdmt.com/MRT/go/108588800/direct/01/
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Joyce Fetteroll
--- In [email protected], "karvelmurugan" <karvelmurugan@...> wrote:
Not sure what naturr is and how one would send sea anyway. And just any actor's picture?
Maybe it's a scavenger hunt! ;-)
Joyce
>Sorry about that. I'm sure I clicked Delete. Just ignore the mysterious spam.
> please send naturr,sea,actors picture
>
Not sure what naturr is and how one would send sea anyway. And just any actor's picture?
Maybe it's a scavenger hunt! ;-)
Joyce
Sandra Dodd
-=-It also helps her if I ask her if she is getting frustrated and if
she needs a break.-=-
The good thing about vocalizing that is that the kids will get the
idea "if I'm frustrated, I could take a break."
The bad thing is it can sound like criticism to a sensitive child (or
if the mom says it in a critical way).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
she needs a break.-=-
The good thing about vocalizing that is that the kids will get the
idea "if I'm frustrated, I could take a break."
The bad thing is it can sound like criticism to a sensitive child (or
if the mom says it in a critical way).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Anyway, they finally tired and went to bed so I sat up for several
hours last night playing the game and figuring things out.-=-
Sometimes when Holly's playing Harvest Moon, she'll ask me to go and
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hours last night playing the game and figuring things out.-=-
Sometimes when Holly's playing Harvest Moon, she'll ask me to go and
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
-=-Sometimes when Holly's playing Harvest Moon, she'll ask me to go and
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.-=-
My sanity has been saved, and my relationship with H as well, by on-line
walk-throughs!! Not only am I willing to sit with him and read the
step-by-steps, I'm also always on the lookout for the best directions I can
find... I'll start reading from the first walk-through and continue to check
out a few more, to compare details and writing styles, committed to finding
one that *speaks* the way Hayden needs to *hear.*
Console games don't *do* for me what they *do* for Hayden. Researching this
info for him is right up my alley. It's a win/win proposition, with far less
stress than the both of us working to figger it out (read: get frustrated)
alone.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.-=-
My sanity has been saved, and my relationship with H as well, by on-line
walk-throughs!! Not only am I willing to sit with him and read the
step-by-steps, I'm also always on the lookout for the best directions I can
find... I'll start reading from the first walk-through and continue to check
out a few more, to compare details and writing styles, committed to finding
one that *speaks* the way Hayden needs to *hear.*
Console games don't *do* for me what they *do* for Hayden. Researching this
info for him is right up my alley. It's a win/win proposition, with far less
stress than the both of us working to figger it out (read: get frustrated)
alone.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/27/2008 11:18:56 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
Sandra@... writes:
<<<Sometimes when Holly's playing Harvest Moon, she'll ask me to go and
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.>>>
Wyl, too. And he often likes to read with me over my shoulder as I'm reading
what I've found to him. More and more, lately, he's looking things up for
himself-which is good and growing and learning and confidence... but I miss
"doing for him" a bit. That's something I wouldn't have thought of before
reading here about finding ways to be joyful when doing for others. Some things
still take more... concentration and effort to be joyful while doing, but it
gets easier with time-and the rewards are wonderful. When I first started
contemplating the idea, I thought, "If I had to do the chores when I was a kid, and
I'm doing them for my kids so they don't have to do them, when is it *my*
turn?!" But once I got over that idea that it was turn-based or that I was owed
"time off" from chores, it got easier. In a way, I still pick up candy
wrappers on the floor for my inner child, but it is also partly for my kids. I
wholeheartedly believe they will get more from observing me do it and living in
a house with a picked-up carpet than if I yell and "make them" pick it up
because "they dropped it". Well, they'd probably "get" the same from either
method, but I prefer they "get" the former than the latter. With the latter
they'll learn resentment and grumpiness and bigger/older folks being able to boss
littler, less powerful folks. With the joyful method they'll learn that we
can do things for others out of joy, love and wanting to be helpful, and that
strings don't have to be attached to everything.
They grow up too fast. I don't want to be old and alone wishing I had done
more for my kids while they were home.
Peace,
De
**************It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel
deal here.
(http://information.travel.aol.com/deals?ncid=aoltrv00050000000047)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
<<<Sometimes when Holly's playing Harvest Moon, she'll ask me to go and
find out something or other, and I google it and tell her, while
she's still playing. There are MANY game hints and walk-throughs
online.>>>
Wyl, too. And he often likes to read with me over my shoulder as I'm reading
what I've found to him. More and more, lately, he's looking things up for
himself-which is good and growing and learning and confidence... but I miss
"doing for him" a bit. That's something I wouldn't have thought of before
reading here about finding ways to be joyful when doing for others. Some things
still take more... concentration and effort to be joyful while doing, but it
gets easier with time-and the rewards are wonderful. When I first started
contemplating the idea, I thought, "If I had to do the chores when I was a kid, and
I'm doing them for my kids so they don't have to do them, when is it *my*
turn?!" But once I got over that idea that it was turn-based or that I was owed
"time off" from chores, it got easier. In a way, I still pick up candy
wrappers on the floor for my inner child, but it is also partly for my kids. I
wholeheartedly believe they will get more from observing me do it and living in
a house with a picked-up carpet than if I yell and "make them" pick it up
because "they dropped it". Well, they'd probably "get" the same from either
method, but I prefer they "get" the former than the latter. With the latter
they'll learn resentment and grumpiness and bigger/older folks being able to boss
littler, less powerful folks. With the joyful method they'll learn that we
can do things for others out of joy, love and wanting to be helpful, and that
strings don't have to be attached to everything.
They grow up too fast. I don't want to be old and alone wishing I had done
more for my kids while they were home.
Peace,
De
**************It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel
deal here.
(http://information.travel.aol.com/deals?ncid=aoltrv00050000000047)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Crystal Miller
<<My dd had a game on her DS that she struggled with. She put it aside for
awhile, until she felt more ready to deal with the challenges -
her challenges. If I had suggested she should keep at it because she said
she wanted it so bad and wanted to learn to play it, it wouldn't
have helped. She definitely would have quit before her interest was
satisfied, because I would have been interfering with her process. I
just asked her about the situation and she said "I recommend taking a break
and going back to it later." Perhaps I suggested that, perhaps
she came to that on her own. In any case, I tried to be responsive to what
she needed and wanted at the time.>>
Last week, Sorscha in her excitement to show some new friends one of her
handheld games, accidentally deleted the entire thing. She has been so
upset over it ever since. That sadness & worry over possibly deleting
another game has spilled over into all her video helds, TV games, and
on-line games. She's chosen not to play any of them because she's concerned
about making the same mistake. Dave is out-of-town, Sorscha has asked him
to play her WoW character to 'keep it up', and he's supporting her that way.
He doesn't see any of this as 'teachable moments' but more as support for a
sad buddy.
She has chosen to read A LOT - hence the Warriors reread! I think it is
sidetracking her mind while she's processing how to work through her
feelings. Nothing I try to 'teach' is going to help - it's just gonna piss
my kid off - she's experienced that 'teach' vibe from me before and finds
it's condensing, I see it in her eyes. This past week, she'll look up from
reading and say, "Mom, I'm sad still and need a hug." I hug her and love
her. Often times this past week, I'll just sit beside her as she reads.
She just needs support and understanding - not teaching.
I could choose to say things that I felt would 'teach' her some life-type
skill like
"Ohhhh well, life's not fair."
"Get over it, it's just a game."
"Well if a video game has ruined your week then maybe you just shouldn't
play them."
"Well, if you weren't trying to show-up for your new friends' maybe it
wouldn't have happened."
"You're over-reacting. Are you hormonal?"
*I could go on and on with these yuckies because they're childhood type
memories for me - BUT I WON'T because they're yucky.
Instead, I choose to support my daughter. I give lots of hugs and love. I
choose to say things like,
"I love you and I'm so sorry that happened."
"Do you need some extravagant lovins?"
"If you need my help in anyway, just let me know - I'm one of your biggest
supporters."
"I know how it feels to make a mistake that you can't fix."
Mostly, I keep my mouth shut and love, love, love. She'll work through this
in her own time without any teachable moments from me. Opps, just got a
"Mommy, I want you to snuggle with me for a moment." That's more important
than finishing this so I'm gonna end now.
~Crystal~
http://livingtheliquidlife.blogspot.com/
awhile, until she felt more ready to deal with the challenges -
her challenges. If I had suggested she should keep at it because she said
she wanted it so bad and wanted to learn to play it, it wouldn't
have helped. She definitely would have quit before her interest was
satisfied, because I would have been interfering with her process. I
just asked her about the situation and she said "I recommend taking a break
and going back to it later." Perhaps I suggested that, perhaps
she came to that on her own. In any case, I tried to be responsive to what
she needed and wanted at the time.>>
Last week, Sorscha in her excitement to show some new friends one of her
handheld games, accidentally deleted the entire thing. She has been so
upset over it ever since. That sadness & worry over possibly deleting
another game has spilled over into all her video helds, TV games, and
on-line games. She's chosen not to play any of them because she's concerned
about making the same mistake. Dave is out-of-town, Sorscha has asked him
to play her WoW character to 'keep it up', and he's supporting her that way.
He doesn't see any of this as 'teachable moments' but more as support for a
sad buddy.
She has chosen to read A LOT - hence the Warriors reread! I think it is
sidetracking her mind while she's processing how to work through her
feelings. Nothing I try to 'teach' is going to help - it's just gonna piss
my kid off - she's experienced that 'teach' vibe from me before and finds
it's condensing, I see it in her eyes. This past week, she'll look up from
reading and say, "Mom, I'm sad still and need a hug." I hug her and love
her. Often times this past week, I'll just sit beside her as she reads.
She just needs support and understanding - not teaching.
I could choose to say things that I felt would 'teach' her some life-type
skill like
"Ohhhh well, life's not fair."
"Get over it, it's just a game."
"Well if a video game has ruined your week then maybe you just shouldn't
play them."
"Well, if you weren't trying to show-up for your new friends' maybe it
wouldn't have happened."
"You're over-reacting. Are you hormonal?"
*I could go on and on with these yuckies because they're childhood type
memories for me - BUT I WON'T because they're yucky.
Instead, I choose to support my daughter. I give lots of hugs and love. I
choose to say things like,
"I love you and I'm so sorry that happened."
"Do you need some extravagant lovins?"
"If you need my help in anyway, just let me know - I'm one of your biggest
supporters."
"I know how it feels to make a mistake that you can't fix."
Mostly, I keep my mouth shut and love, love, love. She'll work through this
in her own time without any teachable moments from me. Opps, just got a
"Mommy, I want you to snuggle with me for a moment." That's more important
than finishing this so I'm gonna end now.
~Crystal~
http://livingtheliquidlife.blogspot.com/
Sandra Dodd
-=-just got a
"Mommy, I want you to snuggle with me for a moment." That's more
important
than finishing this so I'm gonna end now.-=-
Monday night we were in a condo in Santa Fe for the night. Holly
talked to her boyfriend on the phone and was frustrated and jealous
because he was back home having a very good time with Marty her
brother. She cried, and came to talk to me about it in the next
room, where I was in bed reading. I asked if she wanted to lie down
with me. She said yes, and she lay down with her back to me and I
stroked her hair and her back and her arm while we talked. Even
though I thought she was being unreasonable and selfish, I comforted
her instead of shaming her. Soothingly, I reminded her of why it was
GOOD for them to have things between them that they didn't share with
her, that they were friends before she was Brett's girlfriend, and
that there's a huge advantage to her and to all of us of them having
a strong bond. I wasn't saying it in any "You should know this" way
(because she does 'know' that, but it wasn't preventing her gut
reaction to the fact that they were drinking and staying up late
watching movies and laughing and having fun. I reminded her (softly
and gently) that they hadn't invited a bunch of people over, they
hadn't gone out anywhere to drink, they were just at home, just the
two of them.
She calmed down (and got quiet, which was important to me, because
Joyce and Kathryn were trying to go to sleep and there were other
neighbors), and I wasn't asking her to agree with me or to respond, I
was just speaking to her in gentle, reassuring ways that had the
undercurrent of helping her see that it wasn't really an ideal reason
for anger or jealously or frustration.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Mommy, I want you to snuggle with me for a moment." That's more
important
than finishing this so I'm gonna end now.-=-
Monday night we were in a condo in Santa Fe for the night. Holly
talked to her boyfriend on the phone and was frustrated and jealous
because he was back home having a very good time with Marty her
brother. She cried, and came to talk to me about it in the next
room, where I was in bed reading. I asked if she wanted to lie down
with me. She said yes, and she lay down with her back to me and I
stroked her hair and her back and her arm while we talked. Even
though I thought she was being unreasonable and selfish, I comforted
her instead of shaming her. Soothingly, I reminded her of why it was
GOOD for them to have things between them that they didn't share with
her, that they were friends before she was Brett's girlfriend, and
that there's a huge advantage to her and to all of us of them having
a strong bond. I wasn't saying it in any "You should know this" way
(because she does 'know' that, but it wasn't preventing her gut
reaction to the fact that they were drinking and staying up late
watching movies and laughing and having fun. I reminded her (softly
and gently) that they hadn't invited a bunch of people over, they
hadn't gone out anywhere to drink, they were just at home, just the
two of them.
She calmed down (and got quiet, which was important to me, because
Joyce and Kathryn were trying to go to sleep and there were other
neighbors), and I wasn't asking her to agree with me or to respond, I
was just speaking to her in gentle, reassuring ways that had the
undercurrent of helping her see that it wasn't really an ideal reason
for anger or jealously or frustration.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> She calmed down (and got quiet, which was important to me, becauseIs there ever an ideal reason for anger, jealousy and frustration? Those
> Joyce and Kathryn were trying to go to sleep and there were other
> neighbors), and I wasn't asking her to agree with me or to respond, I
> was just speaking to her in gentle, reassuring ways that had the
> undercurrent of helping her see that it wasn't really an ideal reason
> for anger or jealously or frustration.
>
are those often irrational emotional reactions to feelings beyond one's
control! ;)
It's always seemed a bit strange to me when parents shame and belittle
those feelings that their kids have, when really what they need more
than anything is calm reassurance that they are feeling these things and
they can get through them calmly and rationally. Telling a child to
"get over it" without them knowing why or giving them tools to do so,
seems like such a bad idea, yet it happens all around us.
I know waaaaaay too many adults that grew up with shaming and belittling
that mentally stunted them from feeling those things and unable to talk
themselves out of those feelings in calm and rational ways. They take
those feelings and make decisions large and small based on them without
knowing that they really can step out of those feelings and that there
are good reasons to do so.
It seems so obvious to me that the simple act of calming a kid of any
age with compassion and kindness and calm will help them be adults that
behave that way.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Is there ever an ideal reason for anger, jealousy and frustration?
-=-
There's a continuum, and this was WAY toward the safe and what is
your PROBlem end of it.
So I didn't say that, but I also didn't coo and soothe her with "I
know, they're awful, I can't believe they're hanging out together
without you."
She said to me "Don't you even CARE that Marty's drinking?" She
pretty much wanted me to take her side over Marty's and Brett's, but
Brett is 24, Marty is not drinking lots, nor alone, and that's the
first time I know of (besides Kirby's party in late July) that he has
had a single drop of alcohol at home. So no, I pretty much didn't
care. He wasn't out driving, he wasn't being sneaky, he was safe on
his butt on a couch in the den with his dad two rooms away, and after
a while he was going to go to sleep in his own bed.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-
There's a continuum, and this was WAY toward the safe and what is
your PROBlem end of it.
So I didn't say that, but I also didn't coo and soothe her with "I
know, they're awful, I can't believe they're hanging out together
without you."
She said to me "Don't you even CARE that Marty's drinking?" She
pretty much wanted me to take her side over Marty's and Brett's, but
Brett is 24, Marty is not drinking lots, nor alone, and that's the
first time I know of (besides Kirby's party in late July) that he has
had a single drop of alcohol at home. So no, I pretty much didn't
care. He wasn't out driving, he wasn't being sneaky, he was safe on
his butt on a couch in the den with his dad two rooms away, and after
a while he was going to go to sleep in his own bed.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> There's a continuum, and this was WAY toward the safe and what isNever once while I was imagining the scenario, did I imagine cooing!
> your PROBlem end of it.
>
> So I didn't say that, but I also didn't coo and soothe her with "I
> know, they're awful, I can't believe they're hanging out together
> without you."
You've never struck me as one who does that, you're just nice and
calming.
I guess I'm kind of the same way, so I can envision how it came out.
Margaux likes to be cooed and soothed, and it is really really hard for
me to do that when she's upset because it's not my style. Chamille
would run, and fast, if I cooed her when she's upset!
Chamille gets irritated when I coo Margaux, the way Margaux likes. It's
funny because when Chamille watches Margaux when us parents aren't
around, Margaux doesn't do any of those dramatic upsets that need to be
calmed. She knows without a doubt that her sister absolutely won't
tolerate it and Margaux strives to be in her sister's good graces. It's
kind of cool really, we go out and come home to happy peaceful children
that are getting along.