Torn
Amanda Horein
I have tried and tried to come up with ideas on how to deal with our current
issue. I have even written this email two or three times with different
words and changed my mind on sending it, thinking that we could be creative
and come up with something ourselves, but I think I need an outside POV.
Even writing this email I feel like I am being selfish and that I should be
able to come up with a solution.
There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly (almost
5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really likes staying
at home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere. The rest of us love to
be out and about. Lilly gets way bored just staying home all the time, as do
DH and I. We often find ourselves catering to Marti, but then feeling torn
because that isn't fair to the rest of us, especially Lilly. Yesterday, we
took an hour and 15 minute bus ride to a park that we haven't been to since
last fall. We were there an hour and Marti wanted to go home. Lilly didn't.
We ended up going home to appease Marti.
How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? I know that
one of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went out with
Lilly. There are about 3 hours per night that we are all up and here and
that doesn't include getting dinner. By the time DH gets up (3rd shift)
Lilly is already bored to tears. I try to play with her, but she tires of me
and I just can't fulfill her need to play by myself. Marti doesn't want to
play with her either.
Having only three hours also doesn't leave room for much. Lilly is a variety
snob, lol! If we go to the same place very often she easily gets bored with
it and being that we are dependent on the city bus, it takes us up to 4
times as long to get someplace as it would if we had a vehicle. That ties up
the 3 hours, and then some.
So, on one hand, I have Marti who, it seems, doesn't want to go anywhere or
do anything. I have even tried "bribing" (although I don't think of it as
bribing), but that only works every so often with her. On the other, I have
Lilly who loves to be busy and play. I just can't seem to do both. I'm torn.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
issue. I have even written this email two or three times with different
words and changed my mind on sending it, thinking that we could be creative
and come up with something ourselves, but I think I need an outside POV.
Even writing this email I feel like I am being selfish and that I should be
able to come up with a solution.
There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly (almost
5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really likes staying
at home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere. The rest of us love to
be out and about. Lilly gets way bored just staying home all the time, as do
DH and I. We often find ourselves catering to Marti, but then feeling torn
because that isn't fair to the rest of us, especially Lilly. Yesterday, we
took an hour and 15 minute bus ride to a park that we haven't been to since
last fall. We were there an hour and Marti wanted to go home. Lilly didn't.
We ended up going home to appease Marti.
How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? I know that
one of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went out with
Lilly. There are about 3 hours per night that we are all up and here and
that doesn't include getting dinner. By the time DH gets up (3rd shift)
Lilly is already bored to tears. I try to play with her, but she tires of me
and I just can't fulfill her need to play by myself. Marti doesn't want to
play with her either.
Having only three hours also doesn't leave room for much. Lilly is a variety
snob, lol! If we go to the same place very often she easily gets bored with
it and being that we are dependent on the city bus, it takes us up to 4
times as long to get someplace as it would if we had a vehicle. That ties up
the 3 hours, and then some.
So, on one hand, I have Marti who, it seems, doesn't want to go anywhere or
do anything. I have even tried "bribing" (although I don't think of it as
bribing), but that only works every so often with her. On the other, I have
Lilly who loves to be busy and play. I just can't seem to do both. I'm torn.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelli Johnston
I am sure you have thought of this but I am wondering if you have asked them for solutions?Kelli
EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me
To: [email protected]: horein@...: Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:38:42 -0400Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Torn
I have tried and tried to come up with ideas on how to deal with our currentissue. I have even written this email two or three times with differentwords and changed my mind on sending it, thinking that we could be creativeand come up with something ourselves, but I think I need an outside POV.Even writing this email I feel like I am being selfish and that I should beable to come up with a solution.There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly (almost5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really likes stayingat home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere. The rest of us love tobe out and about. Lilly gets way bored just staying home all the time, as doDH and I. We often find ourselves catering to Marti, but then feeling tornbecause that isn't fair to the rest of us, especially Lilly. Yesterday, wetook an hour and 15 minute bus ride to a park that we haven't been to sincelast fall. We were there an hour and Marti wanted to go home. Lilly didn't.We ended up going home to appease Marti.How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? I know thatone of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went out withLilly. There are about 3 hours per night that we are all up and here andthat doesn't include getting dinner. By the time DH gets up (3rd shift)Lilly is already bored to tears. I try to play with her, but she tires of meand I just can't fulfill her need to play by myself. Marti doesn't want toplay with her either.Having only three hours also doesn't leave room for much. Lilly is a varietysnob, lol! If we go to the same place very often she easily gets bored withit and being that we are dependent on the city bus, it takes us up to 4times as long to get someplace as it would if we had a vehicle. That ties upthe 3 hours, and then some.So, on one hand, I have Marti who, it seems, doesn't want to go anywhere ordo anything. I have even tried "bribing" (although I don't think of it asbribing), but that only works every so often with her. On the other, I haveLilly who loves to be busy and play. I just can't seem to do both. I'm torn.-- Amandahttp://hopescreations.blogspot.com/http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/%5bNon-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me
To: [email protected]: horein@...: Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:38:42 -0400Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Torn
I have tried and tried to come up with ideas on how to deal with our currentissue. I have even written this email two or three times with differentwords and changed my mind on sending it, thinking that we could be creativeand come up with something ourselves, but I think I need an outside POV.Even writing this email I feel like I am being selfish and that I should beable to come up with a solution.There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly (almost5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really likes stayingat home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere. The rest of us love tobe out and about. Lilly gets way bored just staying home all the time, as doDH and I. We often find ourselves catering to Marti, but then feeling tornbecause that isn't fair to the rest of us, especially Lilly. Yesterday, wetook an hour and 15 minute bus ride to a park that we haven't been to sincelast fall. We were there an hour and Marti wanted to go home. Lilly didn't.We ended up going home to appease Marti.How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? I know thatone of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went out withLilly. There are about 3 hours per night that we are all up and here andthat doesn't include getting dinner. By the time DH gets up (3rd shift)Lilly is already bored to tears. I try to play with her, but she tires of meand I just can't fulfill her need to play by myself. Marti doesn't want toplay with her either.Having only three hours also doesn't leave room for much. Lilly is a varietysnob, lol! If we go to the same place very often she easily gets bored withit and being that we are dependent on the city bus, it takes us up to 4times as long to get someplace as it would if we had a vehicle. That ties upthe 3 hours, and then some.So, on one hand, I have Marti who, it seems, doesn't want to go anywhere ordo anything. I have even tried "bribing" (although I don't think of it asbribing), but that only works every so often with her. On the other, I haveLilly who loves to be busy and play. I just can't seem to do both. I'm torn.-- Amandahttp://hopescreations.blogspot.com/http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/%5bNon-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? I
know that
one of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went
out with
Lilly.-=-
Hire a youngish kid--not fullblown babysitter, but like a mother's
helper--to play with Lilly sometimes, maybe at the house? Nearby park?
Hire a babysitter to stay with Marti sometimes (or a mother's helper
to stay with her while your husband's sleeping, so she would only
need to wake him up in an emergency).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
know that
one of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went
out with
Lilly.-=-
Hire a youngish kid--not fullblown babysitter, but like a mother's
helper--to play with Lilly sometimes, maybe at the house? Nearby park?
Hire a babysitter to stay with Marti sometimes (or a mother's helper
to stay with her while your husband's sleeping, so she would only
need to wake him up in an emergency).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
We have to do a lot of splitting up at our house because our kids are 7
yrs apart and have so very different needs. I can relate to how
difficult it is to meet everyone's needs. What I've come to realize is
that you can't always meet everyone's needs, but in the act of trying
to, you do end up meeting some.
It's okay to not always meet needs, sometimes things just don't work
out, it's a part of life. If you are actively trying though, and it's
something that your family focuses on, meeting each other's needs, then
that in and of itself makes things better. When a kid knows without a
doubt that you as the parent will do whatever it takes to find a way,
it's so much easier to handle it when something doesn't pan out.
Eventually the kids will be older and more understanding of each other's
needs. Their needs may change too, it could reverse.
In the meantime, you can do little things to alleviate frustration or
boredom. Can the more active child take a class or two? You could
potentially drop off that child and head on home, or run other errands
that will free up time for the stay at home child to stay at home.
For a while, I was able to stay up late with one child and get up early
with the other. Now I share time with hubby with each individual
child. It's not ideal, but it works. He'd prefer we all hang out
together all the time, but that doesn't work when you have one kid who
needs more stimulus, so we do what is best for the kids. Afterall,
we'll get time together for many many years after the kids move on.
yrs apart and have so very different needs. I can relate to how
difficult it is to meet everyone's needs. What I've come to realize is
that you can't always meet everyone's needs, but in the act of trying
to, you do end up meeting some.
It's okay to not always meet needs, sometimes things just don't work
out, it's a part of life. If you are actively trying though, and it's
something that your family focuses on, meeting each other's needs, then
that in and of itself makes things better. When a kid knows without a
doubt that you as the parent will do whatever it takes to find a way,
it's so much easier to handle it when something doesn't pan out.
Eventually the kids will be older and more understanding of each other's
needs. Their needs may change too, it could reverse.
In the meantime, you can do little things to alleviate frustration or
boredom. Can the more active child take a class or two? You could
potentially drop off that child and head on home, or run other errands
that will free up time for the stay at home child to stay at home.
For a while, I was able to stay up late with one child and get up early
with the other. Now I share time with hubby with each individual
child. It's not ideal, but it works. He'd prefer we all hang out
together all the time, but that doesn't work when you have one kid who
needs more stimulus, so we do what is best for the kids. Afterall,
we'll get time together for many many years after the kids move on.
Angela Shaw
How about having a friend of Lilly's come over to play with her at your
place more often?
Angela Shaw
<mailto:game-enthusiast@...> game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
place more often?
Angela Shaw
<mailto:game-enthusiast@...> game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Aug 21, 2008, at 11:58 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
over to do lots of variety of different things with Lilly? Marti can
join in or not if this is at your house.
-pam
> -=-How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? IDid I miss something? Why aren't you having lots of variety of kids
> know that
> one of us (adults) could stay home with Marti while the other went
> out with
> Lilly.-=-
over to do lots of variety of different things with Lilly? Marti can
join in or not if this is at your house.
-pam
Amanda Horein
Here are my responses to several people...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hire a youngish kid--not fullblown babysitter, but like a mother's
helper--to play with Lilly sometimes, maybe at the house? Nearby park?
Hire a babysitter to stay with Marti sometimes (or a mother's helper
to stay with her while your husband's sleeping, so she would only
need to wake him up in an emergency).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Unfortunately we don't have the income to make this happen.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am sure you have thought of this but I am wondering if you have asked them
for
solutions?Kelli
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I have. Lilly is really too young to understand and problem solve here.
Marti just tells me "I don't know".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What I've come to realize is
that you can't always meet everyone's needs, but in the act of trying
to, you do end up meeting some.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This was really difficult yesterday and usually all the time we go out and
about. Lilly wants to stay at the park. Marti wants to leave. If we don't
leave Marti sits/lays right next to us and complains the whole time. If we
leave Lilly gets mad (understandably) and refuses to walk to the bus stop
(which isn't always near enough to carry her the whole way).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In the meantime, you can do little things to alleviate frustration or
boredom. Can the more active child take a class or two? You could
potentially drop off that child and head on home, or run other errands
that will free up time for the stay at home child to stay at home.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I understand the thought here, but without a car it doesn't happen that way.
By the time we would get home, it would be time to leave. Makes running
errands hard too. We haven't run errands in five months, lol!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For a while, I was able to stay up late with one child and get up early
with the other. Now I share time with hubby with each individual
child. It's not ideal, but it works. He'd prefer we all hang out
together all the time, but that doesn't work when you have one kid who
needs more stimulus, so we do what is best for the kids. Afterall,
we'll get time together for many many years after the kids move on.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And that is the part that feels selfish, somewhat. I need family time and
time with my dh and time without my kids or I will go insane and I will take
them with me. LOL! Okay, I was exaggerating, a bit. I kindda knew someone
would say this, but it kindda feels that that means someone (whoever it may
be) has to "take one for the team". It feels like all that will breed is
resentment. It's hard for me to want to stay home with Marti when I could go
out. I have never (even since I was a small child) been able to stay home
for more than a day or two without going stir crazy.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How about having a friend of Lilly's come over to play with her at your
place more often?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This helps. We have had a girl that is more Marti's age, but has interests
similar to Lilly's here last week and this week, but she goes back to school
next week. We also had a cousin here with us this week and that helped as
well. But, school is starting soon. All the homeschoolers in our area are
the curriculum type. Plus, if we have "playdates" we end up with more than 1
kid here and being that our house is so small we end up with chaos.
I am considering seeing if I can find a child around Lilly's age to come
over one or two days a week while mom works, or whatever. I have to explore
that option a little more and see what I can come up with because I don't
want more than 1 kid or chaos reigns and fights break out.
Thanks for the ideas so far. Keep them coming!
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hire a youngish kid--not fullblown babysitter, but like a mother's
helper--to play with Lilly sometimes, maybe at the house? Nearby park?
Hire a babysitter to stay with Marti sometimes (or a mother's helper
to stay with her while your husband's sleeping, so she would only
need to wake him up in an emergency).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Unfortunately we don't have the income to make this happen.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am sure you have thought of this but I am wondering if you have asked them
for
solutions?Kelli
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I have. Lilly is really too young to understand and problem solve here.
Marti just tells me "I don't know".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What I've come to realize is
that you can't always meet everyone's needs, but in the act of trying
to, you do end up meeting some.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This was really difficult yesterday and usually all the time we go out and
about. Lilly wants to stay at the park. Marti wants to leave. If we don't
leave Marti sits/lays right next to us and complains the whole time. If we
leave Lilly gets mad (understandably) and refuses to walk to the bus stop
(which isn't always near enough to carry her the whole way).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In the meantime, you can do little things to alleviate frustration or
boredom. Can the more active child take a class or two? You could
potentially drop off that child and head on home, or run other errands
that will free up time for the stay at home child to stay at home.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I understand the thought here, but without a car it doesn't happen that way.
By the time we would get home, it would be time to leave. Makes running
errands hard too. We haven't run errands in five months, lol!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For a while, I was able to stay up late with one child and get up early
with the other. Now I share time with hubby with each individual
child. It's not ideal, but it works. He'd prefer we all hang out
together all the time, but that doesn't work when you have one kid who
needs more stimulus, so we do what is best for the kids. Afterall,
we'll get time together for many many years after the kids move on.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And that is the part that feels selfish, somewhat. I need family time and
time with my dh and time without my kids or I will go insane and I will take
them with me. LOL! Okay, I was exaggerating, a bit. I kindda knew someone
would say this, but it kindda feels that that means someone (whoever it may
be) has to "take one for the team". It feels like all that will breed is
resentment. It's hard for me to want to stay home with Marti when I could go
out. I have never (even since I was a small child) been able to stay home
for more than a day or two without going stir crazy.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How about having a friend of Lilly's come over to play with her at your
place more often?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This helps. We have had a girl that is more Marti's age, but has interests
similar to Lilly's here last week and this week, but she goes back to school
next week. We also had a cousin here with us this week and that helped as
well. But, school is starting soon. All the homeschoolers in our area are
the curriculum type. Plus, if we have "playdates" we end up with more than 1
kid here and being that our house is so small we end up with chaos.
I am considering seeing if I can find a child around Lilly's age to come
over one or two days a week while mom works, or whatever. I have to explore
that option a little more and see what I can come up with because I don't
want more than 1 kid or chaos reigns and fights break out.
Thanks for the ideas so far. Keep them coming!
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Aug 21, 2008, at 5:03 PM, Amanda Horein wrote:
two days a week, every week, as a solution that supports her needs.
Put together some enticing activities and invite other girls over -
see who she clicks with. Do different things. Have parties. Have book
discussions. Have ATC trades. Have a stuffed animals olympics. Be
creative.
Amanda --
You probably should not respond to all the suggestions with why they
won't work. You're saying, "Yes, but...." a lot - that's not going to
help you find solutions. Instead, say "Yes, and....". Take the ideas
and see if there IS some way to make it work -some version or
variation of the idea might work. If you have the "Yes, and..."
attitude instead of the "Yes, but..." attitude, doors will open.
-pam
> I am considering seeing if I can find a child around Lilly's age toIf she wants variety, then I don't see having one child come one or
> come
> over one or two days a week while mom works, or whatever. I have to
> explore
> that option a little more and see what I can come up with because I
> don't
> want more than 1 kid or chaos reigns and fights break out.
two days a week, every week, as a solution that supports her needs.
Put together some enticing activities and invite other girls over -
see who she clicks with. Do different things. Have parties. Have book
discussions. Have ATC trades. Have a stuffed animals olympics. Be
creative.
Amanda --
You probably should not respond to all the suggestions with why they
won't work. You're saying, "Yes, but...." a lot - that's not going to
help you find solutions. Instead, say "Yes, and....". Take the ideas
and see if there IS some way to make it work -some version or
variation of the idea might work. If you have the "Yes, and..."
attitude instead of the "Yes, but..." attitude, doors will open.
-pam
Margaret
--Lilly is really too young to understand and problem solve here.
Marti just tells me "I don't know".--
Maybe there are easier questions that he would be able to help you with.
Is there something she can think of that he would enjoy doing quietly
at the park while her sister plays? Books, some sort of hand held
gaming, card games with you, oragami, laptop computer (if you have
one), a picnic, art supplies... maybe she can think of things that
would make her comfortable staying a little longer.
What parts of going out are hardest for her... the bus? the crowds?
the noise? Maybe you can figure out things to do together that don't
wear her out as quickly. You can call places (zoos, the library,
etc.) and ask them when things are the least crowded. I found out
that our local zoo doesn't have school groups on Mondays. I enjoy the
zoo a lot more when there aren't school groups there. I love the zoo
when it is rainy and cold... we are almost the only ones there.
Lilly might not be old enough for big problem solving, but perhaps you
could ask her what kinds of things she likes to do at home. Also,
what does she like about going out... seeing people? running around?
new things? That could help you figure out how best to make home
more fun to her and how to get the most out of outings for her.
Perhaps a babysitting swap would work. You may have a friend who
would love to hang out at your house reading a book while you take
Lilly and their child to the park. Your babysitting idea sounds very
good too: it sounds like money is tight now, and it could help Lilly
have more social time while bringing in a little money. That might be
great for the family. If what she likes is playing with other kids it
could really help. If what she wants is new things, then it probably
isn't the best solution.
Marti just tells me "I don't know".--
Maybe there are easier questions that he would be able to help you with.
Is there something she can think of that he would enjoy doing quietly
at the park while her sister plays? Books, some sort of hand held
gaming, card games with you, oragami, laptop computer (if you have
one), a picnic, art supplies... maybe she can think of things that
would make her comfortable staying a little longer.
What parts of going out are hardest for her... the bus? the crowds?
the noise? Maybe you can figure out things to do together that don't
wear her out as quickly. You can call places (zoos, the library,
etc.) and ask them when things are the least crowded. I found out
that our local zoo doesn't have school groups on Mondays. I enjoy the
zoo a lot more when there aren't school groups there. I love the zoo
when it is rainy and cold... we are almost the only ones there.
Lilly might not be old enough for big problem solving, but perhaps you
could ask her what kinds of things she likes to do at home. Also,
what does she like about going out... seeing people? running around?
new things? That could help you figure out how best to make home
more fun to her and how to get the most out of outings for her.
Perhaps a babysitting swap would work. You may have a friend who
would love to hang out at your house reading a book while you take
Lilly and their child to the park. Your babysitting idea sounds very
good too: it sounds like money is tight now, and it could help Lilly
have more social time while bringing in a little money. That might be
great for the family. If what she likes is playing with other kids it
could really help. If what she wants is new things, then it probably
isn't the best solution.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I kindda knew someone
would say this, but it kindda feels that that means someone (whoever
it may
be) has to "take one for the team". It feels like all that will breed is
resentment. -=-
It seems you already have resentment, and it's on the path to getting
worse.
-=-It's hard for me to want to stay home with Marti when I could go
out. I have never (even since I was a small child) been able to stay
home for more than a day or two without going stir crazy.-=-
Can you barter housekeeping or something for babysitting?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
would say this, but it kindda feels that that means someone (whoever
it may
be) has to "take one for the team". It feels like all that will breed is
resentment. -=-
It seems you already have resentment, and it's on the path to getting
worse.
-=-It's hard for me to want to stay home with Marti when I could go
out. I have never (even since I was a small child) been able to stay
home for more than a day or two without going stir crazy.-=-
Can you barter housekeeping or something for babysitting?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
You might be able to find a mother's helper among local homeschoolers if you
advertise in the right way. If you have absolutely no income to be able to pay
a slightly older a child to come be available, think hard about what you DO
have. Do you know how to knit, crochet, bake, dance, do calligraphy, sing, play
tiddlywinks, braid hair? Offer lessons/mentoring in exchange for time. If
nobody responds on first try keep thinking and trying.
Also, when you do entice Marti out, bring along things you know will help her
be happier with the situation. When she's getting bored, take it as *your
job* to find things for her that will make it possible for Lilly to stay out
longer. Be engaged with her! This "If we don't leave Marti sits/lays right next to
us and complains the whole time." implies a lot of disengagement.
Deborah in IL
**************
It's only a deal if it's where you want to go.
Find your travel deal here.
(http://information.travel.aol.com/deals?ncid=aoltrv00050000000047)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
advertise in the right way. If you have absolutely no income to be able to pay
a slightly older a child to come be available, think hard about what you DO
have. Do you know how to knit, crochet, bake, dance, do calligraphy, sing, play
tiddlywinks, braid hair? Offer lessons/mentoring in exchange for time. If
nobody responds on first try keep thinking and trying.
Also, when you do entice Marti out, bring along things you know will help her
be happier with the situation. When she's getting bored, take it as *your
job* to find things for her that will make it possible for Lilly to stay out
longer. Be engaged with her! This "If we don't leave Marti sits/lays right next to
us and complains the whole time." implies a lot of disengagement.
Deborah in IL
**************
It's only a deal if it's where you want to go.
Find your travel deal here.
(http://information.travel.aol.com/deals?ncid=aoltrv00050000000047)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Amanda --
You probably should not respond to all the suggestions with why they
won't work. You're saying, "Yes, but...." a lot - that's not going to
help you find solutions. Instead, say "Yes, and....". Take the ideas
and see if there IS some way to make it work -some version or
variation of the idea might work. If you have the "Yes, and..."
attitude instead of the "Yes, but..." attitude, doors will open.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Thanks Pam.
I think I will just sit back for a minute and let all the thoughts, ideas
and suggestions sink in for a bit.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda --
You probably should not respond to all the suggestions with why they
won't work. You're saying, "Yes, but...." a lot - that's not going to
help you find solutions. Instead, say "Yes, and....". Take the ideas
and see if there IS some way to make it work -some version or
variation of the idea might work. If you have the "Yes, and..."
attitude instead of the "Yes, but..." attitude, doors will open.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Thanks Pam.
I think I will just sit back for a minute and let all the thoughts, ideas
and suggestions sink in for a bit.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alyson
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein" <horein@...> wrote:
<<< There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly
(almost 5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really
likes staying at home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere.>>>
<<< How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? >>>
Amanda -
My son (9) prefers to be home; my daughter (6) prefers to be out.
What has helped for us is to have "stay at home" and "go out" days
designated on our calendar. Most of the time we alternate between
going out and staying home so my son can decompress and so my daughter
has some variety of activities each week.
If we're going to be out several days in a row I try to ensure that
our "at home" day is extremely peaceful for my son. I keep his sister
busy with activities so he can work without distraction, I bring him
food, and generally try to help him fill up with peace and contentment.
Having our schedule on the calendar, sometimes in hourly detail, helps
my son be a tiny bit more flexible. Sometimes I even put travel time
into the calendar so he can see that we're not going out til noon and
expect to be back by six - then he knows he has three hours to do his
thing before we have to go and six-ish hours after we get back. The
calendar also helps my daughter - knowing we'll be out tomorrow makes
staying home today less of a trial.
If he has trouble participating in the activity I try to find him a
place and/or object to keep him happier. He spent the first couple
sessions of our co-op sitting in a deep dark closet with his Nintendo
DS; he subsequently became more comfortable in the environment and
participates more often. Sometimes adding in another activity he
likes is helpful; if he knows we can go to Gamestop, look at Legos in
Toys R Us, or scooter in the park he can muster a bit more flexibility
to get through an activity in which he has no particular interest.
<<< The rest of us love to be out and about. Lilly gets way bored
just staying home all the time, as do DH and I. >>>
We're lucky, in a sense, because my husband has a similar temperament
to my son - hubby is totally willing to stay home with son on days
when he's not working. I think it would be hard to be the only
different one in a family...
Alyson
Hema A. Bharadwaj
Interesting that you write this Alyson. I have a 2.5 yr old Dd and a 5.5 yr
old Ds. Recently we've had trouble with my meeting both their needs.
Without being too wordy... as there are tons of circumstances/reasons
leading to this ... i want to share our solution:
Ds is at present in a lego, video and home based activity mode. Dd is in
lets go out mode. So we decided to alternate... after a busy dh filled
w'end we take a breather on monday and stay home. i keep dd occupied while
ds gets to tinker with stuff. Then tuesdays and thursdays become outside
days.... While initially ds struggled with this idea... eventually he saw
that it meant he got tons of time at home. plus i was making sure that home
day were really home days... no errands or anything. also when we went
out... i offerd to carry a small box of lego, or whatever costume ds wanted
or something like this. Mostly though he ends up enjoying himself... and if
he does'nt he asks to leave... so then i usually talk to him about how much
more time we need to be outdoors to keeo it fair for dd.
Also outside for us means hanging out downstairs or very locally. about
once in a week or two we have to do long haul stuff. Also w'ends when dh is
home... the kids tend to do a lot of out and in stuff ... so things are
usually balanced out... but generally no one complains because we all have
fun hanging out together.
anyway... hope you find a common space for all 4 of you to hang out at
Amanda!
Peace, hema
old Ds. Recently we've had trouble with my meeting both their needs.
Without being too wordy... as there are tons of circumstances/reasons
leading to this ... i want to share our solution:
Ds is at present in a lego, video and home based activity mode. Dd is in
lets go out mode. So we decided to alternate... after a busy dh filled
w'end we take a breather on monday and stay home. i keep dd occupied while
ds gets to tinker with stuff. Then tuesdays and thursdays become outside
days.... While initially ds struggled with this idea... eventually he saw
that it meant he got tons of time at home. plus i was making sure that home
day were really home days... no errands or anything. also when we went
out... i offerd to carry a small box of lego, or whatever costume ds wanted
or something like this. Mostly though he ends up enjoying himself... and if
he does'nt he asks to leave... so then i usually talk to him about how much
more time we need to be outdoors to keeo it fair for dd.
Also outside for us means hanging out downstairs or very locally. about
once in a week or two we have to do long haul stuff. Also w'ends when dh is
home... the kids tend to do a lot of out and in stuff ... so things are
usually balanced out... but generally no one complains because we all have
fun hanging out together.
anyway... hope you find a common space for all 4 of you to hang out at
Amanda!
Peace, hema
On Fri, Aug 22, 2008 at 10:04 PM, Alyson <AlysonRR@...> wrote:
> --- In [email protected] <AlwaysLearning%40yahoogroups.com>,
> "Amanda Horein" <horein@...> wrote:
> <<< There are 4 of us in our family. DH and I plus Marti (8) and Lilly
> (almost 5). Marti likes playing by herself a lot these days and really
> likes staying at home. She rarely willingly likes to go anywhere.>>>
>
> <<< How do we respect Marti's needs and still respect Lilly's needs? >>>
>
> Amanda -
>
> My son (9) prefers to be home; my daughter (6) prefers to be out.
> What has helped for us is to have "stay at home" and "go out" days
> designated on our calendar. Most of the time we alternate between
> going out and staying home so my son can decompress and so my daughter
> has some variety of activities each week.
>
> If we're going to be out several days in a row I try to ensure that
> our "at home" day is extremely peaceful for my son. I keep his sister
> busy with activities so he can work without distraction, I bring him
> food, and generally try to help him fill up with peace and contentment.
>
> Having our schedule on the calendar, sometimes in hourly detail, helps
> my son be a tiny bit more flexible. Sometimes I even put travel time
> into the calendar so he can see that we're not going out til noon and
> expect to be back by six - then he knows he has three hours to do his
> thing before we have to go and six-ish hours after we get back. The
> calendar also helps my daughter - knowing we'll be out tomorrow makes
> staying home today less of a trial.
>
> If he has trouble participating in the activity I try to find him a
> place and/or object to keep him happier. He spent the first couple
> sessions of our co-op sitting in a deep dark closet with his Nintendo
> DS; he subsequently became more comfortable in the environment and
> participates more often. Sometimes adding in another activity he
> likes is helpful; if he knows we can go to Gamestop, look at Legos in
> Toys R Us, or scooter in the park he can muster a bit more flexibility
> to get through an activity in which he has no particular interest.
>
> <<< The rest of us love to be out and about. Lilly gets way bored
> just staying home all the time, as do DH and I. >>>
>
> We're lucky, in a sense, because my husband has a similar temperament
> to my son - hubby is totally willing to stay home with son on days
> when he's not working. I think it would be hard to be the only
> different one in a family...
>
> Alyson
>
>
>
--
Hema A. Bharadwaj
Pune, India
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-and
> This was really difficult yesterday and usually all the time we go out
> about. Lilly wants to stay at the park. Marti wants to leave. If wedon't
> leave Marti sits/lays right next to us and complains the whole time.If we
> leave Lilly gets mad (understandably) and refuses to walk to the busstop
> (which isn't always near enough to carry her the whole way).Why not bring quiet activities that can be done on a picnic blanket,
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
books, coloring books, crayons, markers, etc. You could bring photo
paper and she could find neat stuff at the park and make her designs.
Perhaps she could bring yarn and learn crochet or knitting while she
sits there on the picnic blanket. She could choose to sit and complain
or do some quiet fun activities, that way she doesn't have to do park
activities or even feel obligated to do park activities.
> In the meantime, you can do little things to alleviate frustration orthat way.
> boredom. Can the more active child take a class or two? You could
> potentially drop off that child and head on home, or run other errands
> that will free up time for the stay at home child to stay at home.
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> I understand the thought here, but without a car it doesn't happen
> By the time we would get home, it would be time to leave. Makesrunning
> errands hard too. We haven't run errands in five months, lol!How do you do grocery shopping? Why not find a class of something that
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
is near a place to do grocery shopping and then drop her off and buy
food, then pick her up and go home. As someone who has relied on public
transportation in the past, I know how this works, I'm not shooting off
about something I know nothing about. You clearly live in an area that
is urban enough to have public transportation, which will have shops and
malls and businesses, sometimes all in one general location, find one
that's accessible and find an activity for your child to do and while
out, do other necessary stuff.
What about library programs? Libraries are nice quiet places where one
child could go and hole up in a chair and read and the other child could
participate in an activity.
> How about having a friend of Lilly's come over to play with her atyour
> place more often?interests
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> This helps. We have had a girl that is more Marti's age, but has
> similar to Lilly's here last week and this week, but she goes back toschool
> next week. We also had a cousin here with us this week and that helpedas
> well. But, school is starting soon. All the homeschoolers in our areaare
> the curriculum type. Plus, if we have "playdates" we end up with morethan 1
> kid here and being that our house is so small we end up with chaos.come
>
> I am considering seeing if I can find a child around Lilly's age to
> over one or two days a week while mom works, or whatever. I have toexplore
> that option a little more and see what I can come up with because Idon't
> want more than 1 kid or chaos reigns and fights break out.Perhaps you need to let go of the idea that only one child will work. I
have a really small house too. I have 2 kids, 2 cats, and a dog, a home
business and a lot of hobbies. Our house is completely maxxed out to
capacity. Have your guests limit themselves to one or 2 areas and let
them go and play and make a big mess unhindered. Guide their activity
to an extent that they won't fight, or help them navigate that. It
isn't a good idea to let a group of 4, 5, and 6 year olds to completely
play without adult supervision. If the alternative to big messy
peaceful play with you involved, is to have 2 miserable children, I'd go
with the first option. Don't let chaos happen. Don't let fights
happen. Help them play happily. The idea is to provide something fun
for one child so that the other may stay at home, so do that.
Amanda Horein
Replies to various posts:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Be engaged with her! This "If we don't leave Marti sits/lays right next
to us and complains the whole time." implies a lot of disengagement.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We do try to engage her, but apparently not in the right ways. (Is that a
better way to say but, Pam? and I really do mean it. I am not just saying
it).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We're lucky, in a sense, because my husband has a similar temperament
to my son - hubby is totally willing to stay home with son on days
when he's not working. I think it would be hard to be the only
different one in a family...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So true. We talked yesterday and she expressed this frustration as well.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We haven't run errands in five months, lol!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you do grocery shopping?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
DH works at Wal-Mart so he usually just brings the things we need home from
work. Not the greatest arrangement since I don't like Wal-Mart all that
much, but we only have a few more months to be dependent on the bus
(hopefully). But I do understand what you are meaning and I will look to see
what I can find.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It isn't a good idea to let a group of 4, 5, and 6 year olds to completely
play without adult supervision.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Just wanted to be clear that it's not "without adult supervision". Well, to
the best extent possible anyway. Marti has this one particular friend who
comes over with her brother and her sister sometimes. G is 6 or 7, R is 4
and M is 2. They are constantly up and down the stairs, outside (which
absolutely has to be supervised as there is no fence), in the kitchen asking
for food/drinks, etc. I have tried limiting them. Last time we went with
"stay outside". LOL! So, did not work. I know that is just one example, but
that is what makes me want to say 1 or 2 kids tops. I also made a mistake
and exaggerated with the chaos and fights line. They don't really fight and
it just feels really chaotic with everyone running everywhere.
Thanks for all the ideas and responses and making me think, everyone.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Be engaged with her! This "If we don't leave Marti sits/lays right next
to us and complains the whole time." implies a lot of disengagement.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We do try to engage her, but apparently not in the right ways. (Is that a
better way to say but, Pam? and I really do mean it. I am not just saying
it).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We're lucky, in a sense, because my husband has a similar temperament
to my son - hubby is totally willing to stay home with son on days
when he's not working. I think it would be hard to be the only
different one in a family...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So true. We talked yesterday and she expressed this frustration as well.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We haven't run errands in five months, lol!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you do grocery shopping?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
DH works at Wal-Mart so he usually just brings the things we need home from
work. Not the greatest arrangement since I don't like Wal-Mart all that
much, but we only have a few more months to be dependent on the bus
(hopefully). But I do understand what you are meaning and I will look to see
what I can find.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It isn't a good idea to let a group of 4, 5, and 6 year olds to completely
play without adult supervision.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Just wanted to be clear that it's not "without adult supervision". Well, to
the best extent possible anyway. Marti has this one particular friend who
comes over with her brother and her sister sometimes. G is 6 or 7, R is 4
and M is 2. They are constantly up and down the stairs, outside (which
absolutely has to be supervised as there is no fence), in the kitchen asking
for food/drinks, etc. I have tried limiting them. Last time we went with
"stay outside". LOL! So, did not work. I know that is just one example, but
that is what makes me want to say 1 or 2 kids tops. I also made a mistake
and exaggerated with the chaos and fights line. They don't really fight and
it just feels really chaotic with everyone running everywhere.
Thanks for all the ideas and responses and making me think, everyone.
--
Amanda
http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
http://365daysofsparkle.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]