The Ultimate, Best Ever, Top 10 Do's and Don'ts for Having a Long, Happy Marriage
Joyce Fetteroll
I was looking up what other books Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of
Parent/Teen Breakthrough, had written and found she has a
relationship blog (and lists and lots of other things too.) The
subject of husbands comes up a lot and how to get them to change. It
just feels so important to get them to see things the "right" way
that you can lose sight of the fact that the relationship is more
important than being right. (If you end up divorced it's the judge
who gets to be "right" and he or she is even less likely to be
patient with your alternative parenting and education.)
I really like the way she writes. She sees right through a lot of the
emotional tangles that can screw up people's clear thinking.
The Ultimate, Best Ever, Top 10 Do's and Don'ts for Having a Long,
Happy Marriage
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/blogs/mirakirshenbaum/a-first-
anniversary-r-9886
If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom
mirror. Then write down these 10 do's and don'ts, tape them to the
side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and
you'll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do's and
not do the don'ts, but that's a mere detail.
The point is --- and it's a revolutionary point, when you think about
it --- that you don't have to be a genius or a saint for the two of
you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force.
All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it
up too badly. And it will be there for you when you're in your
golden years.
Okay, in no particular order, here are Mira's top 10 most important
do's and don'ts:
1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your
partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we've
got to love them for that. That's what a great, long-lasting
marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in
spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.
2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard
down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things
you can do. It's not about being silent while the other person is
talking and then saying, "Yes, but..." and then immediately inserting
your own opinion. Instead it's about asking questions when the other
person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around
everything she feels about this issue.
3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are
important. Say how much you've valued every little thing your
partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot
more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as
important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are
all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.
4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you're
not having fun, you're not doing it right. Now it doesn't matter
what you do for fun --- that's different for everybody. But know
what your fun things are and make sure you do them.
5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be
in a relationship with you. Here's an example. Think about how you
must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you're kind
of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that's not so fun? Be
honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn't
just about coming home from work; it's about other ways you are in
your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner's
eyes, that's just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn't
want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?
6. DON'T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't walk
around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers,
downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you
want to get the heck away from.
7. DON'T live in the past. Don't dwell on the past. Don't talk
about the past. Look, I know you've both done things to hurt each
other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum
of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.
8. DON'T deny your most important needs. When you identify which
unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are.
Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs
to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each
other's needs, love thrives.
9. DON'T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your
relationship is like a fountain of youth. I'm not necessarily
talking about sex, although that's important too. But just as
important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing
each other's feet or shoulders. You should have some warm,
meaningful physical contact every day.
10. DON'T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays
a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it's
not everything. It certainly can't give you what you can get for
yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your
marriage do more for you than it can, you'll end up polluting it with
your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your
marriage, the two support each other.
Well, that's what I believe. I'd love to hear what you think. What
do's or don'ts do you want to add to mine? Maybe your list is better
than this. I'd love to find out. Let me hear from you. And if you
don't agree with any of mine, let me know that too. Also, vote for
which of my top 10s you think is most important.
Now I have some good news for you. I've just started an exciting
group that will provide support and invaluable suggestions for
pulling our relationships out of the doldrums, putting the spark back
in love, and fixing the most common relationship problems. Plus
we'll have a lot of fun and it could make all the difference for
you! I hope you will check out my new group and join it. To get to
it, click here (http://www.revolutionhealth.com/groups/from-kiss-to-
commitment).
Parent/Teen Breakthrough, had written and found she has a
relationship blog (and lists and lots of other things too.) The
subject of husbands comes up a lot and how to get them to change. It
just feels so important to get them to see things the "right" way
that you can lose sight of the fact that the relationship is more
important than being right. (If you end up divorced it's the judge
who gets to be "right" and he or she is even less likely to be
patient with your alternative parenting and education.)
I really like the way she writes. She sees right through a lot of the
emotional tangles that can screw up people's clear thinking.
The Ultimate, Best Ever, Top 10 Do's and Don'ts for Having a Long,
Happy Marriage
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/blogs/mirakirshenbaum/a-first-
anniversary-r-9886
If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom
mirror. Then write down these 10 do's and don'ts, tape them to the
side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and
you'll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do's and
not do the don'ts, but that's a mere detail.
The point is --- and it's a revolutionary point, when you think about
it --- that you don't have to be a genius or a saint for the two of
you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force.
All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it
up too badly. And it will be there for you when you're in your
golden years.
Okay, in no particular order, here are Mira's top 10 most important
do's and don'ts:
1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your
partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we've
got to love them for that. That's what a great, long-lasting
marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in
spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.
2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard
down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things
you can do. It's not about being silent while the other person is
talking and then saying, "Yes, but..." and then immediately inserting
your own opinion. Instead it's about asking questions when the other
person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around
everything she feels about this issue.
3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are
important. Say how much you've valued every little thing your
partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot
more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as
important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are
all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.
4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you're
not having fun, you're not doing it right. Now it doesn't matter
what you do for fun --- that's different for everybody. But know
what your fun things are and make sure you do them.
5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be
in a relationship with you. Here's an example. Think about how you
must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you're kind
of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that's not so fun? Be
honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn't
just about coming home from work; it's about other ways you are in
your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner's
eyes, that's just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn't
want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?
6. DON'T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't walk
around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers,
downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you
want to get the heck away from.
7. DON'T live in the past. Don't dwell on the past. Don't talk
about the past. Look, I know you've both done things to hurt each
other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum
of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.
8. DON'T deny your most important needs. When you identify which
unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are.
Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs
to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each
other's needs, love thrives.
9. DON'T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your
relationship is like a fountain of youth. I'm not necessarily
talking about sex, although that's important too. But just as
important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing
each other's feet or shoulders. You should have some warm,
meaningful physical contact every day.
10. DON'T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays
a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it's
not everything. It certainly can't give you what you can get for
yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your
marriage do more for you than it can, you'll end up polluting it with
your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your
marriage, the two support each other.
Well, that's what I believe. I'd love to hear what you think. What
do's or don'ts do you want to add to mine? Maybe your list is better
than this. I'd love to find out. Let me hear from you. And if you
don't agree with any of mine, let me know that too. Also, vote for
which of my top 10s you think is most important.
Now I have some good news for you. I've just started an exciting
group that will provide support and invaluable suggestions for
pulling our relationships out of the doldrums, putting the spark back
in love, and fixing the most common relationship problems. Plus
we'll have a lot of fun and it could make all the difference for
you! I hope you will check out my new group and join it. To get to
it, click here (http://www.revolutionhealth.com/groups/from-kiss-to-
commitment).
Schuyler
Sylvia just forwarded this to the Peaceful Partnerships list if anyone wants to come and see the discussion over there, or talk about ways to incorporate unschooling in a more broader fashion, to the significant other(s) in your life: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Peacefulpartnerships/
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
----- Original Message ----
From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, 10 August, 2008 10:56:23 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] The Ultimate, Best Ever, Top 10 Do's and Don'ts for Having a Long, Happy Marriage
I was looking up what other books Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of
Parent/Teen Breakthrough, had written and found she has a
relationship blog (and lists and lots of other things too.) The
subject of husbands comes up a lot and how to get them to change. It
just feels so important to get them to see things the "right" way
that you can lose sight of the fact that the relationship is more
important than being right. (If you end up divorced it's the judge
who gets to be "right" and he or she is even less likely to be
patient with your alternative parenting and education.)
I
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
----- Original Message ----
From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, 10 August, 2008 10:56:23 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] The Ultimate, Best Ever, Top 10 Do's and Don'ts for Having a Long, Happy Marriage
I was looking up what other books Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of
Parent/Teen Breakthrough, had written and found she has a
relationship blog (and lists and lots of other things too.) The
subject of husbands comes up a lot and how to get them to change. It
just feels so important to get them to see things the "right" way
that you can lose sight of the fact that the relationship is more
important than being right. (If you end up divorced it's the judge
who gets to be "right" and he or she is even less likely to be
patient with your alternative parenting and education.)
I
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]