graberamy

This summer has been a whirlwind of changes for my family. Mainly
because dd (11) has decided to give school a try. She has been going
back and forth on this subject for a few years now and has finally
decided that she is going to do it. I've felt happy, sad, proud,
rejected, confused and have questioned all I've done and wonder if I
could have been more fun, more involved, less involved, etc. I know
these decisions aren't about me so I keep them to myself and just be
supportive.

My son (9) joined a lego league through a Montessori school and was so
impressed with the kids he thought he wanted to try school part time too
(probably influenced by dd and his bff who is going to go to school this
year). I feel this same emotions as I listed above only I'm a bit more
apprehensive with him because he's still not reading (which I'm ok with
but I'm not sure how this will affect his school experience and how this
will make him feel about himself). I'm going to set it up so he's there
during the "specials" (the fun stuff).

But I'm dealing with those changes and hoping that they decide to come
home. I'll be ok if they like it and decide to stay and they are happy
too. I need to stop taking it personally. I appreciate that they
don't take peoples words for things and like to find things out on their
own (meaning my word, about school).

On top of all that dd, has been pulling away from me and it's just
really confusing me (again, is this normal, am I doing something wrong,
is it a phase??)! She has a close friend (new in the last year) who is
13. This past weekend dd and friend were off bike riding with a couple
boys, 12 and 13. I know friend is a little boy crazy (and really likes
one of these boys) and dd has never really felt that way (boy crazy) but
she did tell me this summer that she would like a boy friend (no one in
mind at that time). I called dd when they were out riding and told her
I ordered a couple pizza's and for all of them to come over and eat when
they were hungry. The girls showed up the boys didn't (well ds and his
buddies did... [:)] ).

Maybe I should explain that friends dad live on our street and I really
like him and his wife (young couple, I think friend was born when he was
still a teenager). She lives with her mom part of the time a few miles
away and I don't know her mom (met her once) but know she's alone there
during the day, a lot.

Then last night dd was making plans for today. She asked if she could
go swimming at they boys house or in friends neighborhood pool. I said
yes (cause we always try to say yes) BUT (I know friend does not have
any parental supervision at home and I don't know these boys at all so I
don't know if there's supervision). The BUTS, I would like to meet the
boys (just say hi, not like an interview) and make sure there is
supervision there. If you go to friends house wait until her mom's home
from work this afternoon. OR they can come over here, I'll take them to
a public pool and hang out.

This made dd very upset. Said we never let her do anything (this isn't
true but I know she feels this way now), and that other parents don't
act this way. I've seen this 13yo be manipulative and try to get
Lydia to do things (tells her what to say to me) that are sneaky. I
also overheard friend trying to create a "double date" so I feel like
Lydia is just being used to get closer to this boy. I don't think Lydia
likes this other boy this way and I don't want Lydia to feel used by
this friend, so I don't want to say that to her. Lydia has never been
sneaky and tells me most everything but I've noticed that change this
summer too (just not telling me everything like she used to). And I
don't want the above scenario to cause her to be sneaky or stop telling
me things. Lydia is a trustworthy kid who always let's me know where
she is, and what she is doing. And to be honest I think I give her more
freedom than most 11 yo's that I know.

I almost always try to yes to her. And I feel like we tried to say yes
to the above scenario but it's not making her happy. But the yes she
wants is way out of my comfort zone.

I should say that I've also noticed Lydia being more snarky and
irritated by me this summer too. To be honest I think she sees other
friends talk to their parents like this and thinks that is normal.
She's also been irritated with hubby (dad) and her brother. I just
don't know what's going on and am worried that it may get worse when she
gets to school.

So, I thought I'd ask here. I'm feeling like my emotions are clouding
my judgment. And I'm not even pmsing yet... [:D] !! What am I doing
wrong????????

amy g
iowa



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

Maybe without telling her everything you're thinking, maybe say
that's one of the things about school that worries you--it creates
distance between parents and children, and she'll meet lots of kids
who are sneaky and needy.

It's possible these boys are nicer than the girl you're worried
about. I would've never thought such a thing possible when I was
young in a family of all girls and boys were the dangerous "others,"
but now that I have two boys who are very gentlemanly, and I see some
of Holly's younger female friends who are emotionally needy and not
very nice or honest (and have seen in years past a couple of girls
the boys knew that I did NOT trust), it's not always the boys who
create the pressures.

It would've been good if those boys had come over for pizza.

If it were me, in this situation, I might ask if the other girl's
parents know the boys. Who are these boys and where do they live?
If your daughter has no idea, maybe you could ask her if it's good to
get wet and mostly naked with strangers. (Depends on her sense of
humor and propriety, whether that would be a thought-provoking
question or just irritating. For Holly, it would be sobering.)

Is your daughter aware that "double dates" have traditions? God
knows, terminology changes. It's hard to translate and keep straight
all the terms of the past with the present, and that's probably
regional and ever-changing too. "Hooking up" and "going out" and
"hanging out" don't mean the same to Holly's friends as they did (or
do, on the surface) to mine, and the old terms have to be translated
to these kids sometimes.

Have you tried talking directly to the other girl, maybe without your
daughter in the room? Maybe you could get a feel for what her
intentions are and do some direct intimidation. If she's not afraid
of her own parents, maybe she could still be wary of your reaction,
if you could alpha-female her off to the side.

Or if that's not appropriate or isn't going to work, maybe offer to
be a person she can talk to if these boys aren't as nice as she
expects they'll be or something. Somehow create a relationship with
the girl without your own daughter as triangulation. That would keep
your daughter from being the only hinge in the structure.

Sandra

graberamy

> Maybe without telling her everything you're thinking, maybe say
> that's one of the things about school that worries you--it creates
> distance between parents and children, and she'll meet lots of kids
> who are sneaky and needy.>>>

Good tip, I will have this conversation with her.

maybe you could ask her if it's good to
> get wet and mostly naked with strangers. (Depends on her sense of
> humor and propriety, whether that would be a thought-provoking
> question or just irritating.>>>

I'm not sure here. Normally we could joke around like this. Last
night I said something to the effect of "I have no idea what these
boys are interested in." I realize now I shouldn't have said anything
like this because this really upset her. She really isn't thinking of
them like that and I don't think she wants to think that these boys
think of her like that. Her and this 13yo friend are really at
different places.

BTW, the plans today...we decided I would pick the friend up and bring
her over here and they could go back and swim when her mom got home.
The friend called back and got a big old NO from her mom. So, I said
to Lydia (with a smile)"all that grief and she can't do it!!" I saw
Lydia try to hide her smile. But I have to say I think I won some
points today!

It's been a learning experience for me to say the least. And she's
being raised very differently than I was and maybe I'm putting my own
hangups onto her. If I could just turn the emotions off occasionally!

Thank you for the tips, I will think about talking to her and her
parents and see if an opportunity comes up naturally.

amy g
iowa
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-BTW, the plans today...we decided I would pick the friend up and
bring
her over here and they could go back and swim when her mom got home.
The friend called back and got a big old NO from her mom. So, I said
to Lydia (with a smile)"all that grief and she can't do it!!" I saw
Lydia try to hide her smile. But I have to say I think I won some
points today! -=-



Perfect!

It might be a good idea to talk to the mom if you get a chance to
make sure the friend isn't using Lydia as a reason/excuse to want to
do more, like "Well her parents said yes, and she's only 11."



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

> Then last night dd was making plans for today. She asked if she could
> go swimming at they boys house or in friends neighborhood pool. I said
> yes (cause we always try to say yes) BUT (I know friend does not have
> any parental supervision at home and I don't know these boys at all so
I
> don't know if there's supervision). The BUTS, I would like to meet the
> boys (just say hi, not like an interview) and make sure there is
> supervision there. If you go to friends house wait until her mom's
home
> from work this afternoon. OR they can come over here, I'll take them
to
> a public pool and hang out.


When my oldest was 11, I liked to know where she was physically. If she
had been invited to go swimming at someone's house that I didn't know, I
would've walked her over there and introduced myself and found out for
sure if she'd been invited and perhaps left a phone number with the
parents of the that house in case of emergency.

That's not out of the realm of reasonability. If you had an emergency
at your house with another persons kid, you'd like to know how to get in
contact with the parents. If you'd had an emergency while your daughter
was elsewhere and had to leave the house, it would be good to be able to
contact her to let her know that nobody is home and that she'd need to
stay there or come with you.

The friend's neighborhood pool might be a more neutral place where you
could go to check up on them and bring them cold drinks and snacks.
Pools sometimes have rules about age requirements for being there
without an adult.

If the friend is doing this as an arrangement to hang out with these
boys without supervision, it puts your dd in an awkward position wether
she realizes it or not. Have you talked to the parents of the friend
about what limits they have in place? If the friend is defying their
rules and your dd is going along with it, that could jeopardize their
friendship. These are all things that your dd should be made aware of,
wether she likes that info or not. I can totally understand how that
would be really frustrating for her too!