6-7 year old girls
cathyandgarth
My dd is 6.5yo, and I know she must be going through a phase, but I am
feeling more and more baffled by how to support her. I was curious if
folks who have older girls could give me a little insight into how this
phase looked for them and if they found anything that helped keep their
relationship sane during the months (years?) of growth and development
through the phase.
I have seen it coming, but have tended to attribute the incidents to
her being tired or hungry but in the past couple of weeks it has gotten
very intense. She is very negative, argumentative, she is *mean* to
her friends, siblings, grandmother, parents (name calling, hitting,
snatching things away, pushing, yelling), gets very angry about sharing
or helping ... it seems so *normal* but the intensity is Wow! I find
myself saying things that I am ashamed of, I try to be transparent in
my processing of what is happening and walk away when necessary, take
deep breaths, drink a glass of tea or water -- but I don't know.
We have talked about it in calmer moments, she doesn't really like it
when she gets in that state of mind, but is at a loss for how to draw
herself out of it, as am I. The friend she had over the other day told
her mother that she never wanted to come and play with dd again -- this
is heartbreaking as they have always been good friends, but inspite of
my atempts throughout the day to help with communication, gentle
reminders, and even pulling her aside to have a heart to heart, she was
just stuck ( would have called off the playdate but the other girl's
mother was out of town for the day). We have some bach flower remedies
and call them her secret potion, and we put it in her water bottle. It
seems to help a little. Even I take rescue rememdy when I find myself
being drawn deeply into an empty conflict, find myself acting like the
7 year old girl I must have been. I know that I have something huge to
learn through my relationship with her, I think that this may be my
moment to step it up.
I have looked at the books available through Amazon, and wasn't
thrilled with any of the descriptions or reviews -- any suggestions for
reading?
I am also feeling anxious about this because DH is feeling like we need
to be more punitive. I found/she led me to Unconditional Parenting
because punitive wasn't working with her when we went through a similar
phase when she was about 3 or 4 -- so I really can't imagine that it
would work this time. I remind him of this, but he wan't to take away
things, take away playdates, etc.
A break from playdates may be good for her right now, but not as a
punishment -- she would notice if I just stopped planning things
because her siblings would be having things going on and she would be
asking about it, I would need to be more consensual and include her in
that conversation (I have already put it out there for her to think
about).
Thanks for any insight,
Cathy
feeling more and more baffled by how to support her. I was curious if
folks who have older girls could give me a little insight into how this
phase looked for them and if they found anything that helped keep their
relationship sane during the months (years?) of growth and development
through the phase.
I have seen it coming, but have tended to attribute the incidents to
her being tired or hungry but in the past couple of weeks it has gotten
very intense. She is very negative, argumentative, she is *mean* to
her friends, siblings, grandmother, parents (name calling, hitting,
snatching things away, pushing, yelling), gets very angry about sharing
or helping ... it seems so *normal* but the intensity is Wow! I find
myself saying things that I am ashamed of, I try to be transparent in
my processing of what is happening and walk away when necessary, take
deep breaths, drink a glass of tea or water -- but I don't know.
We have talked about it in calmer moments, she doesn't really like it
when she gets in that state of mind, but is at a loss for how to draw
herself out of it, as am I. The friend she had over the other day told
her mother that she never wanted to come and play with dd again -- this
is heartbreaking as they have always been good friends, but inspite of
my atempts throughout the day to help with communication, gentle
reminders, and even pulling her aside to have a heart to heart, she was
just stuck ( would have called off the playdate but the other girl's
mother was out of town for the day). We have some bach flower remedies
and call them her secret potion, and we put it in her water bottle. It
seems to help a little. Even I take rescue rememdy when I find myself
being drawn deeply into an empty conflict, find myself acting like the
7 year old girl I must have been. I know that I have something huge to
learn through my relationship with her, I think that this may be my
moment to step it up.
I have looked at the books available through Amazon, and wasn't
thrilled with any of the descriptions or reviews -- any suggestions for
reading?
I am also feeling anxious about this because DH is feeling like we need
to be more punitive. I found/she led me to Unconditional Parenting
because punitive wasn't working with her when we went through a similar
phase when she was about 3 or 4 -- so I really can't imagine that it
would work this time. I remind him of this, but he wan't to take away
things, take away playdates, etc.
A break from playdates may be good for her right now, but not as a
punishment -- she would notice if I just stopped planning things
because her siblings would be having things going on and she would be
asking about it, I would need to be more consensual and include her in
that conversation (I have already put it out there for her to think
about).
Thanks for any insight,
Cathy
Sandra Dodd
Where is she in birth order? Is there a new baby? Did she want to
go to school? What are the other factors?
This is something that might help:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
Try to do things with her that are side-by-side. Maybe even take
her for an overnight visit (if you're not nursing a baby and can get
away for a day or so) and just BE with her, in the car, walking
around. Maybe she'll start to tell you what's up.
Sandra
go to school? What are the other factors?
This is something that might help:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
Try to do things with her that are side-by-side. Maybe even take
her for an overnight visit (if you're not nursing a baby and can get
away for a day or so) and just BE with her, in the car, walking
around. Maybe she'll start to tell you what's up.
Sandra
Laura McDowell
I agree that there might very well be something of a specific 'phase' that
happens around 6-7. After I read what Sandra wrote I thought 'yeah, that's
about when Anna started voicing her need to have alone time with me'. So,
Whatever it is, be it emotions that they just have to have support to work
out, giving them that special attention when you can might do wonders.
~Laura
_____
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Sandra Dodd
Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2008 6:43 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] 6-7 year old girls
Where is she in birth order? Is there a new baby? Did she want to
go to school? What are the other factors?
This is something that might help:
http://sandradodd. <http://sandradodd.com/truck> com/truck
Try to do things with her that are side-by-side. Maybe even take
her for an overnight visit (if you're not nursing a baby and can get
away for a day or so) and just BE with her, in the car, walking
around. Maybe she'll start to tell you what's up.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
happens around 6-7. After I read what Sandra wrote I thought 'yeah, that's
about when Anna started voicing her need to have alone time with me'. So,
Whatever it is, be it emotions that they just have to have support to work
out, giving them that special attention when you can might do wonders.
~Laura
_____
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Sandra Dodd
Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2008 6:43 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] 6-7 year old girls
Where is she in birth order? Is there a new baby? Did she want to
go to school? What are the other factors?
This is something that might help:
http://sandradodd. <http://sandradodd.com/truck> com/truck
Try to do things with her that are side-by-side. Maybe even take
her for an overnight visit (if you're not nursing a baby and can get
away for a day or so) and just BE with her, in the car, walking
around. Maybe she'll start to tell you what's up.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
J Geller
I know that I have something huge to
learn through my relationship with her, I think that this may be my
moment to step it up.
I have looked at the books available through Amazon, and wasn't
thrilled with any of the descriptions or reviews -- any suggestions for
reading?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene might be really helpful. He is a respected psychologist who spends the beginning of the book using way worse examples and explaining why punishment doesn't work. He then walks through identifying triggers, making the environment more "user friendly" (how we got to unschooling), prioritizing issues and using collaborative problem solving. The collaborative problem solving is huge because it is nonjudgmental, unconditional, supportive and it works.
Jae
who only has boys but has to stick her nose in anyway
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
learn through my relationship with her, I think that this may be my
moment to step it up.
I have looked at the books available through Amazon, and wasn't
thrilled with any of the descriptions or reviews -- any suggestions for
reading?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene might be really helpful. He is a respected psychologist who spends the beginning of the book using way worse examples and explaining why punishment doesn't work. He then walks through identifying triggers, making the environment more "user friendly" (how we got to unschooling), prioritizing issues and using collaborative problem solving. The collaborative problem solving is huge because it is nonjudgmental, unconditional, supportive and it works.
Jae
who only has boys but has to stick her nose in anyway
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
cathyandgarth
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
brother is 3. (The last time she went through a similar phase we did
have a new baby.)
She wanted to go to school for about a week last summer. We had some
good conversations, talked about some options (turned out it was
because a friend had been hit by a golf cart at a lodge and she felt
that since she didn't go to school she wouldn't know about that kind of
thing and could get hurt -- ironically it was another homeschooler who
was hurt), and then it just kind of faded off. This spring she told me
several times how glad she was that she didn't have to go to school and
could stay home and play and do art all day.
Kitteredge is playing for one week only starting on Friday at our local
theater, so I made a date with her to go see that movie.
once for surgery so it freaks me out a little to leave them, but I
think this is an excellent tip -- as soon as I read it my whole body
gave a resounding, intuitive *YES*, guess I should take that as a sign
and get something planned. It would be so much fun -- I am sure she
would love doing *girly* things for an evening, plus sleeping away with
just mom. With so many males in the house everything always seems to
be tinted *boy.*
Thanks for the great tips!
Cathy
>She is the middle child, only girl, older brother is 8 and younger
> Where is she in birth order? Is there a new baby? Did she want to
> go to school? What are the other factors?
brother is 3. (The last time she went through a similar phase we did
have a new baby.)
She wanted to go to school for about a week last summer. We had some
good conversations, talked about some options (turned out it was
because a friend had been hit by a golf cart at a lodge and she felt
that since she didn't go to school she wouldn't know about that kind of
thing and could get hurt -- ironically it was another homeschooler who
was hurt), and then it just kind of faded off. This spring she told me
several times how glad she was that she didn't have to go to school and
could stay home and play and do art all day.
> This is something that might help:Thanks you, that is good food for thought. I just noticed that Kit
>
> http://sandradodd.com/truck
Kitteredge is playing for one week only starting on Friday at our local
theater, so I made a date with her to go see that movie.
> Maybe even take her for an overnight visitI am not nursing anymore, I have been away from my kids overnight only
once for surgery so it freaks me out a little to leave them, but I
think this is an excellent tip -- as soon as I read it my whole body
gave a resounding, intuitive *YES*, guess I should take that as a sign
and get something planned. It would be so much fun -- I am sure she
would love doing *girly* things for an evening, plus sleeping away with
just mom. With so many males in the house everything always seems to
be tinted *boy.*
Thanks for the great tips!
Cathy