Joanna

>--- In [email protected], "Melissa Dietrick" <melissa.dietrick@...> wrote:
>

>> I love that! We do that too, it's fun to play with words. Kids learn
>> from playing, so naturally that extends into words!
>>
>
>we do this too! I totally agree with the idea to let go of the
>heaviness of a word or action and try to turn it around into playful
>exploration...
>
We haven't always had this experience. When each of the kids have gone through a name-calling thing, they have been resistant and angry at us trying to shift the energy away from the "heaviness of a word" because they have had strong feelings that caused the word in the first place. I just wanted to add this in because my son, in particular, has felt trivialized by this technique, and while it may work for many kids, it doesn't work for all. Or maybe it just really depends on what has inspired the name calling in the first place--whether it is coming from a more playful place or a more angry place. But it's definitely not a one size fits all way to approach name calling.

Now that I'm thinking about it, he's never been one to appreciate anyone trying to turn his angry feelings into humor. If he does end up laughing, he will then redouble and become even more furious that someone tried to distract him from his anger. We figured this out pretty quickly, but it is something that has happened a lot with family friends. He wants to be heard and then move on when he's ready, not humored out of his feelings. We've found that our younger daughter is more receptive to being emotionally "distracted," and will more often appreciate the opportunity to change "tempos."

Joanna

Melissa Dietrick

\\ We haven't always had this experience. When each of the kids have
gone through a name-calling thing, they have been resistant and angry
at us trying to shift the energy away from the "heaviness of a word"
because they have had strong feelings that caused the word in the
first place. I just wanted to add this in because my son, in
particular, has felt trivialized by this technique, and while it may
work for many kids, it doesn't work for all. Or maybe it just really
depends on what has inspired the name calling in the first
place--whether it is coming from a more playful place or a more angry
place. But it's definitely not a one size fits all way to approach
name calling. \\


this made me think abit more ...I agree, there is never a one size
fits all approach for just about everything...every child, every
situation is different. And so are ages to be accounted for. I too,
found that with one of my children, dd2 lidia who is now 17 was never
one for humor when angry...she wanted and wants to take it all very
seriously. And for my sixth child, Leo, who is 5y, when he was almost
3 he would slip into the play for a minute and then bang into his
forgotten anger doubletime. He is not like that anymore, and I
attribute this mostly to really concentrating on connection fully
inbetween angry moments as well as the fact he is much more able to
verbalise.


If a child is very angry and is using strong language, I would never
dream of turning the energy to playfulness. There is anger to deal
with first. What I understood was a situation where a child (like a
small child under 5y)is trying out words or actions heard or seen
outside the home or from visitors to the home, to see how they might
be used. I did not realise that we might be talking about an older
child using them to express strong emotions. This is definitely a
different sort of situation.

In our family, often my younger children will start a bickering "youre
dumb" "no Im not you are," sort of back and forth...and often if left
alone it can lead to bigger issues but since I have started jumping in
with a "hey, but *I* am even dumber" or "Youre dumb Im dumb, we're all
dumb together!" many times my 5 yo leo will banter on his own, "yeah
Im dumb, so are you, mommas dumb too!" (like big deal, you figured
that one out, so what already??) --this made us all laugh.

melissa

Ren Allen

~~Or maybe it just really depends on what has inspired the name
calling in the first place--whether it is coming from a more playful
place or a more angry place. B~~


I agree.
Trying to utilize humor tends to dismiss the very intense feelings.
With one of my children, that would have led to a pretty big melt-down
I can pretty much guarantee.

Once a situation is to the name-calling stage there are usually
angry/lashing out feelings behind it. To trivialize that could be
really adding fuel to the fire. Humor is great once the anger is past
or if hte person is open to it. Exploring words is great too...but in
the moment of intense emotion I think it's important to really honor
that and let the person express it without trying to distract them.

Getting them (or the other child) to a safe place for expressing that
would be my priority.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Jenny C

> ~~Or maybe it just really depends on what has inspired the name
> calling in the first place--whether it is coming from a more playful
> place or a more angry place. B~~
>
>
> I agree.
> Trying to utilize humor tends to dismiss the very intense feelings.
> With one of my children, that would have led to a pretty big melt-down
> I can pretty much guarantee.


I'm thinking that if a kid is saying things for shock value, the best
thing to do is eliminate the shock! Dismissing big feelings is never a
good idea! Humor has it's place and so does compassion.