Angry Son, Frustrated Mommy
Kim Musolff
I've been trying to help my DS(6) deal with his frustration issues. He
tends to get easily frustrated when things don't go his way, or when life
doesn't happen the way he's decided it should happen. I've been trying very
hard to help him. But some days, I feel like a horrible parent! We've had
2 incidents in the past 2 days that have left DS and I in tears, DD(4)
scared from all the screaming, and DH ready to start spanking. It's
becoming so frequent and so intense that I don't really have much patience
any more to even deal with the small issues. We are at our wits end. You
guys have been very helpful in the past, and I'd really love your advice
now, if you have any.
YESTERDAY:
DS and DD were in the tub. She was throwing a washcloth at him, and he was
splashing her. When I walked in, she was screaming, "Stop that!" at the top
of her lungs. Who knows who started what. No big deal--simple sibling
argument. However, when I try to intervene, that's when it escalates into a
huge screaming match.
I went in to find out what the problem was. I let each kid tell their own
version of the story. I asked them how they felt about what the other one
was doing, and asked them if there was anything they could think of that
would work better than screaming or splashing. DD participated, and was
happy for the intervention and help. DS hated it. I don't know what to do
in these situations. Normally, if he doesn't want my help, I back off, and
let him figure things out on his own. But he cannot be allowed to
disrespect DD's boundries. When he's poking, splashing, hitting, whacking,
sitting on, kicking, or biting her, I do intervene. In this example, I
ended up sending him to his room because he would not stop picking on her.
I know there's a better way to handle this, but I'm not sure what it is.
THis is a huge issue we've been discussing as a family lately (respecting
other people's boundries). DS will be told to stop doing all kinds of
things that bother DD, DH or I, and he will not stop. He looks at you and
keeps doing it. Sometimes he laughs and keeps doing it. DH and I now
step in and make him stop, but it doesn't seem to be helping in the long
run.
TODAY:
We were all out hiking with a bunch of kids. It was a 3-mile hike, and all
the kids were running ahead. As we approached the parking lot, I saw
another mom holding DS's hand, and DS was hitting her with a stick! I ran
up and the mom said that DS was throwing rocks and sticks at a group of
hikers and their dog. I was mortified! I immediately dragged DS to the
car. He was biting, pinching and hitting me the whole way.
It turns out that he had tripped over the dog, and the owner tried to help
him up. He got mad at her for interfering with him "winning" the race to
the "finish line" (the end of the trail). So he started throwing rocks and
sticks at the dog and the woman. The other mother pulled DS away from them
and that's when he started hitting her with a stick.
What on earth do you do in this situation? DS was completely out of
control. He was not able to listen, to be calmed down or anything. He
refused to get in the car and attempted to run away when I was not holding
him. I understand that it's impossible to talk to him in the moment. But
he doesn't want to talk about it out of the moment either. When we try to
talk about other ways to deal with his anger, he says he doesn't want to do
anything else. He "likes yelling and screaming and arguing." (He does
admit to not liking hurting other people.) We tell him he is not allowed to
hurt other people like that. We ask him if he would like us to remind him
of another way to deal with his anger in the moment. Sometimes he says,
"No," and we don't remind him and it turns into this huge fight again.
Sometimes he says, "Yes," but when we remind him in the heat of the moment,
he doesn't care and doesn't do anything else. He hits (or bites, or kicks),
then is made to stop. THen he yells at me and then finally calms down
saying, "I don't know what else to do!" (about his anger.)
Please help. I was so at my wits end today in the car that I actually
slapped him when he would not stop biting me. I feel horrible.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tends to get easily frustrated when things don't go his way, or when life
doesn't happen the way he's decided it should happen. I've been trying very
hard to help him. But some days, I feel like a horrible parent! We've had
2 incidents in the past 2 days that have left DS and I in tears, DD(4)
scared from all the screaming, and DH ready to start spanking. It's
becoming so frequent and so intense that I don't really have much patience
any more to even deal with the small issues. We are at our wits end. You
guys have been very helpful in the past, and I'd really love your advice
now, if you have any.
YESTERDAY:
DS and DD were in the tub. She was throwing a washcloth at him, and he was
splashing her. When I walked in, she was screaming, "Stop that!" at the top
of her lungs. Who knows who started what. No big deal--simple sibling
argument. However, when I try to intervene, that's when it escalates into a
huge screaming match.
I went in to find out what the problem was. I let each kid tell their own
version of the story. I asked them how they felt about what the other one
was doing, and asked them if there was anything they could think of that
would work better than screaming or splashing. DD participated, and was
happy for the intervention and help. DS hated it. I don't know what to do
in these situations. Normally, if he doesn't want my help, I back off, and
let him figure things out on his own. But he cannot be allowed to
disrespect DD's boundries. When he's poking, splashing, hitting, whacking,
sitting on, kicking, or biting her, I do intervene. In this example, I
ended up sending him to his room because he would not stop picking on her.
I know there's a better way to handle this, but I'm not sure what it is.
THis is a huge issue we've been discussing as a family lately (respecting
other people's boundries). DS will be told to stop doing all kinds of
things that bother DD, DH or I, and he will not stop. He looks at you and
keeps doing it. Sometimes he laughs and keeps doing it. DH and I now
step in and make him stop, but it doesn't seem to be helping in the long
run.
TODAY:
We were all out hiking with a bunch of kids. It was a 3-mile hike, and all
the kids were running ahead. As we approached the parking lot, I saw
another mom holding DS's hand, and DS was hitting her with a stick! I ran
up and the mom said that DS was throwing rocks and sticks at a group of
hikers and their dog. I was mortified! I immediately dragged DS to the
car. He was biting, pinching and hitting me the whole way.
It turns out that he had tripped over the dog, and the owner tried to help
him up. He got mad at her for interfering with him "winning" the race to
the "finish line" (the end of the trail). So he started throwing rocks and
sticks at the dog and the woman. The other mother pulled DS away from them
and that's when he started hitting her with a stick.
What on earth do you do in this situation? DS was completely out of
control. He was not able to listen, to be calmed down or anything. He
refused to get in the car and attempted to run away when I was not holding
him. I understand that it's impossible to talk to him in the moment. But
he doesn't want to talk about it out of the moment either. When we try to
talk about other ways to deal with his anger, he says he doesn't want to do
anything else. He "likes yelling and screaming and arguing." (He does
admit to not liking hurting other people.) We tell him he is not allowed to
hurt other people like that. We ask him if he would like us to remind him
of another way to deal with his anger in the moment. Sometimes he says,
"No," and we don't remind him and it turns into this huge fight again.
Sometimes he says, "Yes," but when we remind him in the heat of the moment,
he doesn't care and doesn't do anything else. He hits (or bites, or kicks),
then is made to stop. THen he yells at me and then finally calms down
saying, "I don't know what else to do!" (about his anger.)
Please help. I was so at my wits end today in the car that I actually
slapped him when he would not stop biting me. I feel horrible.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-DS and DD were in the tub. -=-
Don't put them in the tub together? If they bathe separately, you
have private time with the other one, and each can have a long,
playful, fun, peaceful bath. We used to put a CD player in the
bathroom during baths, and lots of toys. Ice cubes (or ice frozen in
something artsy).
-=-But he cannot be allowed to
disrespect DD's boundries. -=-
It's hard to have a boundary when you're in the tub with someone
else. Which water is whose?
-=-THis is a huge issue we've been discussing as a family lately
(respecting other people's boundries). DS will be told to stop doing
all kinds of things that bother DD, DH or I, and he will not stop.-=-
"All kinds of things" are hard to guess at. Are there ways, though,
as with the bathtub, to foresee the problem and give him more space,
attention, privacy or whatever in advance?
-=-What on earth do you do in this situation?-=-
Don't let him run ahead with the kids. When a kid is that volatile,
it's not okay for the mom not to be nearer, I think. He can grow out
of it, he can learn to breath and think before he acts, if you talk
to him about it when he's not full of adrenaline or fear or rage.
-=-When we try to talk about other ways to deal with his anger, he
says he doesn't want to do anything else. He "likes yelling and
screaming and arguing." --=-
If a kid said that to me, I would probably calmly ask "Why?" and keep
him talking. Either it will turn amusing and break the tension, or
he'll argue himself into a corner and maybe start to see it. Or you
could gently point it out. Or you could say he won't have anyone to
yell or scream at if he doesn't stop it.
I don't think it hurts one bit to run through the scenario as if he
were an adult. If an adult threw rocks or sticks at a dog and a
woman and then was biting and and hitting, he would go to jail, at
least overnight if not longer. He would probably have to pay a fine,
and go to anger management classes.
-=-We ask him if he would like us to remind him of another way to
deal with his anger in the moment. Sometimes he says, "No," and we
don't remind him and it turns into this huge fight again.-=-
I wouldn't ask him in advance and take a no. I would remind him.
But even better is to avoid the situations until he's older. I don't
mean totally avoid outings, I mean stay nearer to him, and if he
starts to get wild, walk him away from the people and talk to him .
If he can't calm down, take him home. Maybe leave your daughter with
another family and take your son away, at least for a while.
-=-Please help. I was so at my wits end today in the car that I
actually slapped him when he would not stop biting me. I feel
horrible.-=-
What was your choice, though--let him keep biting you?
I'm suspecting something's happening before it gets to the angry
point. I could be wrong. I don't think I'm wrong about the tub,
though.
Are you feeding him before you go on outings so he's not hungry?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Don't put them in the tub together? If they bathe separately, you
have private time with the other one, and each can have a long,
playful, fun, peaceful bath. We used to put a CD player in the
bathroom during baths, and lots of toys. Ice cubes (or ice frozen in
something artsy).
-=-But he cannot be allowed to
disrespect DD's boundries. -=-
It's hard to have a boundary when you're in the tub with someone
else. Which water is whose?
-=-THis is a huge issue we've been discussing as a family lately
(respecting other people's boundries). DS will be told to stop doing
all kinds of things that bother DD, DH or I, and he will not stop.-=-
"All kinds of things" are hard to guess at. Are there ways, though,
as with the bathtub, to foresee the problem and give him more space,
attention, privacy or whatever in advance?
-=-What on earth do you do in this situation?-=-
Don't let him run ahead with the kids. When a kid is that volatile,
it's not okay for the mom not to be nearer, I think. He can grow out
of it, he can learn to breath and think before he acts, if you talk
to him about it when he's not full of adrenaline or fear or rage.
-=-When we try to talk about other ways to deal with his anger, he
says he doesn't want to do anything else. He "likes yelling and
screaming and arguing." --=-
If a kid said that to me, I would probably calmly ask "Why?" and keep
him talking. Either it will turn amusing and break the tension, or
he'll argue himself into a corner and maybe start to see it. Or you
could gently point it out. Or you could say he won't have anyone to
yell or scream at if he doesn't stop it.
I don't think it hurts one bit to run through the scenario as if he
were an adult. If an adult threw rocks or sticks at a dog and a
woman and then was biting and and hitting, he would go to jail, at
least overnight if not longer. He would probably have to pay a fine,
and go to anger management classes.
-=-We ask him if he would like us to remind him of another way to
deal with his anger in the moment. Sometimes he says, "No," and we
don't remind him and it turns into this huge fight again.-=-
I wouldn't ask him in advance and take a no. I would remind him.
But even better is to avoid the situations until he's older. I don't
mean totally avoid outings, I mean stay nearer to him, and if he
starts to get wild, walk him away from the people and talk to him .
If he can't calm down, take him home. Maybe leave your daughter with
another family and take your son away, at least for a while.
-=-Please help. I was so at my wits end today in the car that I
actually slapped him when he would not stop biting me. I feel
horrible.-=-
What was your choice, though--let him keep biting you?
I'm suspecting something's happening before it gets to the angry
point. I could be wrong. I don't think I'm wrong about the tub,
though.
Are you feeding him before you go on outings so he's not hungry?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kim Musolff
*** Don't put them in the tub together? ***
Normally they don't take baths together. He doesn't like baths anymore, so
he normally takes showers. DD was psyched that big brother was sharing a
bath with her for once.
*** It's hard to have a boundary when you're in the tub with someone
else. Which water is whose?***
I meant personal boundries. Like invading someone's personal space. She
didn't want to be splashed, and he kept doing it, even though she asked him
(loudly and often) not to. And we did talk to her about asking more nicely
to get better results from him.
*** "All kinds of things" are hard to guess at. Are there ways, though,
as with the bathtub, to foresee the problem and give him more space,
attention, privacy or whatever in advance?***
We try SO hard to foresee the problems, because we don't want a huge
fiasco. But the problem is that we can't possibly foresee everything.
Those are the situations where I don't know what to do.
*** Don't let him run ahead with the kids. When a kid is that volatile,
it's not okay for the mom not to be nearer, I think. He can grow out
of it, he can learn to breath and think before he acts, if you talk
to him about it when he's not full of adrenaline or fear or rage.***
I've thought of this. Does that mean when the kids are all running ahead,
he has to stay and hold my hand? Or do I have to keep up with them? Or do
we not take him hiking with all the kids? I never would have guessed that
he would explode doing something outside, especially when he was having so
much fun before the incident. If he were in a bad mood, or in a situation
that I could've guessed he might explode, I'd have stayed closer. But this
was a total surprise. In those "impossible to predict" situations, do I
just deal with it like I did, or is there a better way?
*** don't think it hurts one bit to run through the scenario as if he
were an adult. If an adult threw rocks or sticks at a dog and a
woman and then was biting and and hitting, he would go to jail, at
least overnight if not longer. He would probably have to pay a fine,
and go to anger management classes.**
DH did this! DS sure was listening!
*** I'm suspecting something's happening before it gets to the angry
point.***
Me too. Not sure what it is, though. We're trying to figure it out.
Thanks for the input, Sandra!
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Normally they don't take baths together. He doesn't like baths anymore, so
he normally takes showers. DD was psyched that big brother was sharing a
bath with her for once.
*** It's hard to have a boundary when you're in the tub with someone
else. Which water is whose?***
I meant personal boundries. Like invading someone's personal space. She
didn't want to be splashed, and he kept doing it, even though she asked him
(loudly and often) not to. And we did talk to her about asking more nicely
to get better results from him.
*** "All kinds of things" are hard to guess at. Are there ways, though,
as with the bathtub, to foresee the problem and give him more space,
attention, privacy or whatever in advance?***
We try SO hard to foresee the problems, because we don't want a huge
fiasco. But the problem is that we can't possibly foresee everything.
Those are the situations where I don't know what to do.
*** Don't let him run ahead with the kids. When a kid is that volatile,
it's not okay for the mom not to be nearer, I think. He can grow out
of it, he can learn to breath and think before he acts, if you talk
to him about it when he's not full of adrenaline or fear or rage.***
I've thought of this. Does that mean when the kids are all running ahead,
he has to stay and hold my hand? Or do I have to keep up with them? Or do
we not take him hiking with all the kids? I never would have guessed that
he would explode doing something outside, especially when he was having so
much fun before the incident. If he were in a bad mood, or in a situation
that I could've guessed he might explode, I'd have stayed closer. But this
was a total surprise. In those "impossible to predict" situations, do I
just deal with it like I did, or is there a better way?
*** don't think it hurts one bit to run through the scenario as if he
were an adult. If an adult threw rocks or sticks at a dog and a
woman and then was biting and and hitting, he would go to jail, at
least overnight if not longer. He would probably have to pay a fine,
and go to anger management classes.**
DH did this! DS sure was listening!
*** I'm suspecting something's happening before it gets to the angry
point.***
Me too. Not sure what it is, though. We're trying to figure it out.
Thanks for the input, Sandra!
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Does that mean when the kids are all running ahead,
he has to stay and hold my hand? Or do I have to keep up with them?-=-
Try not to use "has to" or "have to." It's not about "have to."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he has to stay and hold my hand? Or do I have to keep up with them?-=-
Try not to use "has to" or "have to." It's not about "have to."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Parker Deen
In terms of something happening prior to the things you describe: when my now 13 year old son was 3, he started hitting, biting, scratching his friends for what seemed to be no reason. Even he would say, "I don't know why I did that!" or "I didn't want to do it!" I eventually took him to a holistic doctor who, through applied kinesiology (or muscle testing), diagnosed him with quite an array of food sensitivities. After the foods that were causing issues were removed, his behaviors changed dramatically. I would say his entire sensory system was a bit out of whack from foods (dairy, wheat, corn, etc). Prior to eliminating the foods, he was afraid to slide or be lifted high into the air. His balance system was not functioning effectively. That changed as well after eliminating certain foods.
It can be a challenging change in terms of family diets as well as costs, but for us, discovering food sensitivities was profound. I later used a place called the "Great Plains Lab" which utilizes a blood test to look at more subtle responses to foods (most traditional doctors consider allergies to be histamine response, NOT subtle sensitivities, and their tests generally, from my experience and reading, do NOT test for the subtleties which can underlie many things including behaviors). It was surely an unexpected realization for me as we are pretty careful with what we eat and use organic and natural foods almost exclusively.
Good luck to you!
Peace,
Parker
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It can be a challenging change in terms of family diets as well as costs, but for us, discovering food sensitivities was profound. I later used a place called the "Great Plains Lab" which utilizes a blood test to look at more subtle responses to foods (most traditional doctors consider allergies to be histamine response, NOT subtle sensitivities, and their tests generally, from my experience and reading, do NOT test for the subtleties which can underlie many things including behaviors). It was surely an unexpected realization for me as we are pretty careful with what we eat and use organic and natural foods almost exclusively.
Good luck to you!
Peace,
Parker
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Beth Fleming
Hi Kim,
Not sure if this is the case with your son, but we have a little neighbor friend (boy, age 5) who is VERY competitive. Any sort of game where there is a winner (or he perceives that there is a winner) really sets him off, especially since he's one of the younger kids and doesn't very often win. I've learned to facilitate more cooperative/non-competitive games when he's around. Sounds like in the "race" with the others kids, the wanting to win got the best of him.
Just a thought....
Beth in MA
----- Original Message ----
From: Kim Musolff <kmoose75@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, June 4, 2008 10:30:01 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Angry Son, Frustrated Mommy
*** Don't put them in the tub together? ***
Normally they don't take baths together. He doesn't like baths anymore, so
he normally takes showers. DD was psyched that big brother was sharing a
bath with her for once.
*** It's hard to have a boundary when you're in the tub with someone
else. Which water is whose?***
I meant personal boundries. Like invading someone's personal space. She
didn't want to be splashed, and he kept doing it, even though she asked him
(loudly and often) not to. And we did talk to her about asking more nicely
to get better results from him.
*** "All kinds of things" are hard to guess at. Are there ways, though,
as with the bathtub, to foresee the problem and give him more space,
attention, privacy or whatever in advance?***
We try SO hard to foresee the problems, because we don't want a huge
fiasco. But the problem is that we can't possibly foresee everything.
Those are the situations where I don't know what to do.
*** Don't let him run ahead with the kids. When a kid is that volatile,
it's not okay for the mom not to be nearer, I think. He can grow out
of it, he can learn to breath and think before he acts, if you talk
to him about it when he's not full of adrenaline or fear or rage.***
I've thought of this. Does that mean when the kids are all running ahead,
he has to stay and hold my hand? Or do I have to keep up with them? Or do
we not take him hiking with all the kids? I never would have guessed that
he would explode doing something outside, especially when he was having so
much fun before the incident. If he were in a bad mood, or in a situation
that I could've guessed he might explode, I'd have stayed closer. But this
was a total surprise. In those "impossible to predict" situations, do I
just deal with it like I did, or is there a better way?
*** don't think it hurts one bit to run through the scenario as if he
were an adult. If an adult threw rocks or sticks at a dog and a
woman and then was biting and and hitting, he would go to jail, at
least overnight if not longer. He would probably have to pay a fine,
and go to anger management classes.**
DH did this! DS sure was listening!
*** I'm suspecting something's happening before it gets to the angry
point.***
Me too. Not sure what it is, though. We're trying to figure it out.
Thanks for the input, Sandra!
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
keetry
--- In [email protected], "Kim Musolff" <kmoose75@...>
wrote:
situation, take him out of the bath. Try to do it before you are angry
and then you can do it in a more loving way rather than having it be a
punishment. Instead of sending him to his room, get him out of the tub
and do something else with him while sis is finishing her bath.
Alysia
wrote:
>everything.
> We try SO hard to foresee the problems, because we don't want a huge
> fiasco. But the problem is that we can't possibly foresee
> Those are the situations where I don't know what to do.In these situations, it's perfectly OK to remove him from the
situation, take him out of the bath. Try to do it before you are angry
and then you can do it in a more loving way rather than having it be a
punishment. Instead of sending him to his room, get him out of the tub
and do something else with him while sis is finishing her bath.
Alysia
Mamachaos
Kim,
I am sorry you are going thru this with your son. When anyone is really frustrated and angry, being a bystander is a very difficult place to be.
My best friend has a son who is identical to how you are describing your son. Her son was born with a certain temperment, as all children are, and it just seemed to develop into a pattern of frustration and anger as he grew older. His parents were super laid back when they birthed him, but I have to say as time has gone by (he is 9) that they seem to be more mirroring their son's behavior. Why? Because it IS so difficult and exasperating to deal with. I have watched my friend over the years try so many things.....diet, waldorf school, homeschool, unschool, back to school again.....and all the things in between. I don't think anything changed what his behavior is basically. But, I do think that the listening to him--allowing him to talk or shout out his frustrations in the safety of their home, with the love of his parents-not the judgement, has helped. Diane has had to be at his side at all times when they are on outings, she makes sure he eats regularly and has a lot of protein, enough sleep, enough touch and love. But, even when ALL those things are accounted for, I will say that he still has "issues". Though I love and adore him, I also find it exhausting after a few days in a row of having to deal with it, of having to anticipate it, and look for it, try to mitigate it ahead of time---because I think this is what my friend has to do. And by doing all of that, I do think SHE feels better about the times when he IS still frustrated and angry, because she cannot blame it on a lack of food, protein, sleep etc. She knows that it is truly from within him and then she can just focus on that. And "that" is still unclear. She really cannot figure out the WHY or the perhaps real issue behind it all.
I would be careful about being too controlling with regard to everything.....I notice that she and her hubby have been SO proactive, that it has crossed the line to too much CONTROL, which will probably cause more of what they are trying to sooth!! I remember reading a book once called "Benign Neglect" and it was talked a lot about in AP circles when my 13 yr old was little. I didn't warm to it, mostly because I felt the 2 words together were an oxymoron--and anything having to do with Neglect reminded me of the Ferber method and all of that mindset in parenting that I do not like. BUT---over the years what I have taken from it is WHEN it is possible to kind of ALLOW some raw behavior and anger and frustration---to just allow it. TO let them let it OUT, (of course not ON someone, or have it affect others), but in their own space and time. I have found that to work. I used to follow my oldest to his room when he was angry, I was angry that he was expressing his anger by slamming doors and screaming, and I would scream back that it was unacceptable. ?????????????? Yes, I have learned much better parenting skills!
But, my point is that some people just are angry....simmering inside for some reason. Could it be chemicle? Of course. Could it be any number of reasons? Yes. But the fact remains, they have this inner volcano that needs to let off steam. My father has always been this way, and he took his anger and channeled it into athletics........big time. Then as a professor, he needed an outlet and became a police officer in his "spare time". Whatever. I am pointing out that something might help. Karate--swimming, running, archery, fencing, wrestling..........something that really takes a lot of inner steam OUT. For my friend's son, anytime he can swim or be in water it is the most helpful. It's not so helpful that they live in Arizona though! :)
I agree with Sandra about letting him know the reprecussions for his behavior, but just as most kids cannot relate to the question "what do you want to be when you grow up," they cannot relate to "if you were an adult, this behavior would...." They are NOT adults. They aren't even close at 6!
Find someone you can share your frustrations with. My friend needs to be so aware and present all the time, that it exhausts her spiritually, and she needs to unload and refuel. That's what friends are for. (with red wine and chocolate!)
Do NOT forget to refuel. You will be your best for him if you are at your best. And with another child at home, you are ever present and on demand! It is truly an integral part of the big picture. And the benign neglect? Let some things go, and pick your battles. If you focus on everything, then it ends up nothing is really being focused on--
Sending you some energy!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am sorry you are going thru this with your son. When anyone is really frustrated and angry, being a bystander is a very difficult place to be.
My best friend has a son who is identical to how you are describing your son. Her son was born with a certain temperment, as all children are, and it just seemed to develop into a pattern of frustration and anger as he grew older. His parents were super laid back when they birthed him, but I have to say as time has gone by (he is 9) that they seem to be more mirroring their son's behavior. Why? Because it IS so difficult and exasperating to deal with. I have watched my friend over the years try so many things.....diet, waldorf school, homeschool, unschool, back to school again.....and all the things in between. I don't think anything changed what his behavior is basically. But, I do think that the listening to him--allowing him to talk or shout out his frustrations in the safety of their home, with the love of his parents-not the judgement, has helped. Diane has had to be at his side at all times when they are on outings, she makes sure he eats regularly and has a lot of protein, enough sleep, enough touch and love. But, even when ALL those things are accounted for, I will say that he still has "issues". Though I love and adore him, I also find it exhausting after a few days in a row of having to deal with it, of having to anticipate it, and look for it, try to mitigate it ahead of time---because I think this is what my friend has to do. And by doing all of that, I do think SHE feels better about the times when he IS still frustrated and angry, because she cannot blame it on a lack of food, protein, sleep etc. She knows that it is truly from within him and then she can just focus on that. And "that" is still unclear. She really cannot figure out the WHY or the perhaps real issue behind it all.
I would be careful about being too controlling with regard to everything.....I notice that she and her hubby have been SO proactive, that it has crossed the line to too much CONTROL, which will probably cause more of what they are trying to sooth!! I remember reading a book once called "Benign Neglect" and it was talked a lot about in AP circles when my 13 yr old was little. I didn't warm to it, mostly because I felt the 2 words together were an oxymoron--and anything having to do with Neglect reminded me of the Ferber method and all of that mindset in parenting that I do not like. BUT---over the years what I have taken from it is WHEN it is possible to kind of ALLOW some raw behavior and anger and frustration---to just allow it. TO let them let it OUT, (of course not ON someone, or have it affect others), but in their own space and time. I have found that to work. I used to follow my oldest to his room when he was angry, I was angry that he was expressing his anger by slamming doors and screaming, and I would scream back that it was unacceptable. ?????????????? Yes, I have learned much better parenting skills!
But, my point is that some people just are angry....simmering inside for some reason. Could it be chemicle? Of course. Could it be any number of reasons? Yes. But the fact remains, they have this inner volcano that needs to let off steam. My father has always been this way, and he took his anger and channeled it into athletics........big time. Then as a professor, he needed an outlet and became a police officer in his "spare time". Whatever. I am pointing out that something might help. Karate--swimming, running, archery, fencing, wrestling..........something that really takes a lot of inner steam OUT. For my friend's son, anytime he can swim or be in water it is the most helpful. It's not so helpful that they live in Arizona though! :)
I agree with Sandra about letting him know the reprecussions for his behavior, but just as most kids cannot relate to the question "what do you want to be when you grow up," they cannot relate to "if you were an adult, this behavior would...." They are NOT adults. They aren't even close at 6!
Find someone you can share your frustrations with. My friend needs to be so aware and present all the time, that it exhausts her spiritually, and she needs to unload and refuel. That's what friends are for. (with red wine and chocolate!)
Do NOT forget to refuel. You will be your best for him if you are at your best. And with another child at home, you are ever present and on demand! It is truly an integral part of the big picture. And the benign neglect? Let some things go, and pick your battles. If you focus on everything, then it ends up nothing is really being focused on--
Sending you some energy!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Jun 4, 2008, at 3:55 PM, Kim Musolff wrote:
gets frustrated." Or, "I'm trying to help my son avoid getting so
frustrated."
Which would rather overhear me saying about you?
"I'm going to try to help Kim with her frustration issues" versus
"I'm going to try to help Kim avoid getting frustrated" or maybe "I'm
going to try to help Kim find some new ways to respond to frustration."
Think about what's happening more clearly and in a more concrete/
active/solution-oriented way; it'll help you deal with YOUR
frustration issues. <g>
Stop trying to fix him and stop trying to make everything better
immediately by changing him. That's not working, is it? You're all "at
your wits end," as you said.
So - for now - accept the way things are. Accept him as he is. Accept
that he is, for the moment, kind of unpredictably quick-on-the-trigger
and he needs your help.
Now that you KNOW this about him, you know that, for a while, you have
to let other things drop and be far far far more present with him. It
won't be forever, but he needs you now.
Create an environment for him in which he can be successful. Start
from where he IS right now, not from where you wish he could be or
from where some hypothetical 6 year old is supposed to be.
Don't set him up for failure.
Putting him in the bathtub with his sister is a set-up. Too close, too
easy to hurt, annoy, splash, bump, each other. Not a good choice for
him.
Look for ways they can be together but separate. Don't expect them to
share space easily, for now. If you're setting up something for them
to do, set up separate sets of materials or parts or whatever it is,
for them in separate spaces. I used to use a chair for each kid as
their own little table -- they'd sit on the floor in front of a chair,
using the chair seat (and sometimes the floor around the chair) as
their table. The chairs could be set apart from each other enough so
that the kids weren't accidentally bumping. That helped them avoid the
frustration of a sibling reaching for something and bumping their
stuff or picking up something they were wanting to use, etc. It gave
them the security of not worrying about what the sibling was about to
do. THAT relieved a great deal of tension and they could happily color
or play with playdough or do puzzles or whatever.
Don't expect your son to easily share space with other kids, for right
now. Always have that awareness in your head - always be asking
yourself, "Hmm, if we do this, how can I set it up for him to be
successful?" There are activities in which you will not participate,
for now.
For example, don't take him to group activities that will involve him
running off with other kids without you being able to stay nearby.
That's a set-up. You have to be able to be nearby so that you can step
in WAY earlier than you have been. You're frustrated because by the
time you step in to help, it is too late and he's already in a
complete rage. You have to be there and be super observant.
Find ways for him to do things with a friend - play on a nice big
playground where you can be right at hand, for example.
Watch carefully for signs of frustration and step in with distraction
or support as soon as possible.
Get the habit of running through upcoming activities in your mind,
thinking of him and how the interactions are going to be. In the car -
does he have enough space? Can he see out? Does he have something to
do so he looks forward to getting into the car? Do you play music and
sing along? Listen to stories?
I truly understand the frustration you are feeling, but what are your
choices? Becoming more and more punitive and harsh and angry,
yourself, is going to make things just worse and worse in a terrible
downward spiral. Instead, try being super sweet and kind and gentle
with him - you have some damage to undo.
Every time he behaves badly, make sure everyone is safe and take him
away from other people so as not to disrupt THEIR peace and happiness
( that includes his sister), and be clear that you won't let him hurt
you or others (and that might mean holding him back - just do it with
the least physical restraint possible).
But look at him and remember that this feels AWFUL to him - he is
crying out - he needs you to help him, not be mad at him like you
might be if he was a friend or neighbor or stranger.
In other words - keep your mommy hat on:
1. You change the way you're thinking about him.
2. You set up the environment for him to be successful.
3. You drop other things in your life so that you can be far more
present and observant and engage in much more and earlier prevention
and distraction.
4. Plan ahead and run through scenarios in your mind.
-Pam
> I've been trying to help my DS(6) deal with his frustration issues.Instead, say this, "I'm trying to help my son handle it better when he
gets frustrated." Or, "I'm trying to help my son avoid getting so
frustrated."
Which would rather overhear me saying about you?
"I'm going to try to help Kim with her frustration issues" versus
"I'm going to try to help Kim avoid getting frustrated" or maybe "I'm
going to try to help Kim find some new ways to respond to frustration."
Think about what's happening more clearly and in a more concrete/
active/solution-oriented way; it'll help you deal with YOUR
frustration issues. <g>
Stop trying to fix him and stop trying to make everything better
immediately by changing him. That's not working, is it? You're all "at
your wits end," as you said.
So - for now - accept the way things are. Accept him as he is. Accept
that he is, for the moment, kind of unpredictably quick-on-the-trigger
and he needs your help.
Now that you KNOW this about him, you know that, for a while, you have
to let other things drop and be far far far more present with him. It
won't be forever, but he needs you now.
Create an environment for him in which he can be successful. Start
from where he IS right now, not from where you wish he could be or
from where some hypothetical 6 year old is supposed to be.
Don't set him up for failure.
Putting him in the bathtub with his sister is a set-up. Too close, too
easy to hurt, annoy, splash, bump, each other. Not a good choice for
him.
Look for ways they can be together but separate. Don't expect them to
share space easily, for now. If you're setting up something for them
to do, set up separate sets of materials or parts or whatever it is,
for them in separate spaces. I used to use a chair for each kid as
their own little table -- they'd sit on the floor in front of a chair,
using the chair seat (and sometimes the floor around the chair) as
their table. The chairs could be set apart from each other enough so
that the kids weren't accidentally bumping. That helped them avoid the
frustration of a sibling reaching for something and bumping their
stuff or picking up something they were wanting to use, etc. It gave
them the security of not worrying about what the sibling was about to
do. THAT relieved a great deal of tension and they could happily color
or play with playdough or do puzzles or whatever.
Don't expect your son to easily share space with other kids, for right
now. Always have that awareness in your head - always be asking
yourself, "Hmm, if we do this, how can I set it up for him to be
successful?" There are activities in which you will not participate,
for now.
For example, don't take him to group activities that will involve him
running off with other kids without you being able to stay nearby.
That's a set-up. You have to be able to be nearby so that you can step
in WAY earlier than you have been. You're frustrated because by the
time you step in to help, it is too late and he's already in a
complete rage. You have to be there and be super observant.
Find ways for him to do things with a friend - play on a nice big
playground where you can be right at hand, for example.
Watch carefully for signs of frustration and step in with distraction
or support as soon as possible.
Get the habit of running through upcoming activities in your mind,
thinking of him and how the interactions are going to be. In the car -
does he have enough space? Can he see out? Does he have something to
do so he looks forward to getting into the car? Do you play music and
sing along? Listen to stories?
I truly understand the frustration you are feeling, but what are your
choices? Becoming more and more punitive and harsh and angry,
yourself, is going to make things just worse and worse in a terrible
downward spiral. Instead, try being super sweet and kind and gentle
with him - you have some damage to undo.
Every time he behaves badly, make sure everyone is safe and take him
away from other people so as not to disrupt THEIR peace and happiness
( that includes his sister), and be clear that you won't let him hurt
you or others (and that might mean holding him back - just do it with
the least physical restraint possible).
But look at him and remember that this feels AWFUL to him - he is
crying out - he needs you to help him, not be mad at him like you
might be if he was a friend or neighbor or stranger.
In other words - keep your mommy hat on:
1. You change the way you're thinking about him.
2. You set up the environment for him to be successful.
3. You drop other things in your life so that you can be far more
present and observant and engage in much more and earlier prevention
and distraction.
4. Plan ahead and run through scenarios in your mind.
-Pam
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Please help. I was so at my wits end today in the car that I actually
> slapped him when he would not stop biting me. I feel horrible.
>
> Kim
Beth Fleming
Thanks, Pam...I'm printing out this part of your post to hang up in a prominent place....Just helpful all around in all types of situations!
Peace,
Beth in MA
***In other words - keep your mommy hat on:
1. You change the way you're thinking about him.
2. You set up the environment for him to be successful.
3. You drop other things in your life so that you can be far more
present and observant and engage in much more and earlier prevention
and distraction.
4. Plan ahead and run through scenarios in your mind.
-Pam****
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Peace,
Beth in MA
***In other words - keep your mommy hat on:
1. You change the way you're thinking about him.
2. You set up the environment for him to be successful.
3. You drop other things in your life so that you can be far more
present and observant and engage in much more and earlier prevention
and distraction.
4. Plan ahead and run through scenarios in your mind.
-Pam****
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kim Musolff
***I would be careful about being too controlling with regard to
everything.....I notice that she and her hubby have been SO proactive, that
it has crossed the line to too much CONTROL, which will probably cause more
of what they are trying to sooth!! I remember reading a book once called
"Benign Neglect" and it was talked a lot about in AP circles when my 13 yr
old was little. I didn't warm to it, mostly because I felt the 2 words
together were an oxymoron--and anything having to do with Neglect reminded
me of the Ferber method and all of that mindset in parenting that I do not
like. BUT---over the years what I have taken from it is WHEN it is possible
to kind of ALLOW some raw behavior and anger and frustration---to just allow
it. TO let them let it OUT, (of course not ON someone, or have it affect
others), but in their own space and time. I have found that to work. I used
to follow my oldest to his room when he was angry, I was angry that he was
expressing his anger by slamming doors and screaming, and I would scream
back that it was unacceptable. ?????????????? Yes, I have learned much
better parenting skills!***
I do feel like I'm headed in that direction, and I don't want to really go
there. DH was actually threatening to spank him after the hiking incident,
and for once, I didn't feel bad about it. I just kept thinking, "Well,
we've tried everything, and this is the only thing left!" And I've also
caught myself being angry at how he is expressing his anger (slamming doors,
yelling, etc.). But like you, I started to realize that he NEEDS to express
his anger and these things are an okay way to do it.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister talking about the incident.
She asked me, "Well what did you do to punish him? He has to learn
consequences for his actions." And it hit me at how far I had come in
unschooling. Normally a question like that would have me doubting my
parenting. But even in all my frustration, I realized that punishment and
"consequences" are not the answer.
Deep breaths....
Thanks for sharing your story! It really helped.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
everything.....I notice that she and her hubby have been SO proactive, that
it has crossed the line to too much CONTROL, which will probably cause more
of what they are trying to sooth!! I remember reading a book once called
"Benign Neglect" and it was talked a lot about in AP circles when my 13 yr
old was little. I didn't warm to it, mostly because I felt the 2 words
together were an oxymoron--and anything having to do with Neglect reminded
me of the Ferber method and all of that mindset in parenting that I do not
like. BUT---over the years what I have taken from it is WHEN it is possible
to kind of ALLOW some raw behavior and anger and frustration---to just allow
it. TO let them let it OUT, (of course not ON someone, or have it affect
others), but in their own space and time. I have found that to work. I used
to follow my oldest to his room when he was angry, I was angry that he was
expressing his anger by slamming doors and screaming, and I would scream
back that it was unacceptable. ?????????????? Yes, I have learned much
better parenting skills!***
I do feel like I'm headed in that direction, and I don't want to really go
there. DH was actually threatening to spank him after the hiking incident,
and for once, I didn't feel bad about it. I just kept thinking, "Well,
we've tried everything, and this is the only thing left!" And I've also
caught myself being angry at how he is expressing his anger (slamming doors,
yelling, etc.). But like you, I started to realize that he NEEDS to express
his anger and these things are an okay way to do it.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister talking about the incident.
She asked me, "Well what did you do to punish him? He has to learn
consequences for his actions." And it hit me at how far I had come in
unschooling. Normally a question like that would have me doubting my
parenting. But even in all my frustration, I realized that punishment and
"consequences" are not the answer.
Deep breaths....
Thanks for sharing your story! It really helped.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I've also
caught myself being angry at how he is expressing his anger (slamming
doors,
yelling, etc.). But like you, I started to realize that he NEEDS to
express
his anger and these things are an okay way to do it.-=-
Do you own the door he's slamming? If you're renting, it's not okay.
Kirby slammed his door so hard so many times the frame moved over an
inch, and it was very difficult to get it all fixed. We owned...
still, it wasn't the best thing.
I've seen families go too far to the "emotions are fine and the
expression of emotions is fine" end of things. Balance is good.
Destruction of property isn't good.
If anger can be nipped in the bud or avoided in the first place it's
better for all concerned (and future people who will come to the
situation, and strangers who don't want to overhear yelling and door
slamming) than justifying it after the fact with "need" and "okay."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
caught myself being angry at how he is expressing his anger (slamming
doors,
yelling, etc.). But like you, I started to realize that he NEEDS to
express
his anger and these things are an okay way to do it.-=-
Do you own the door he's slamming? If you're renting, it's not okay.
Kirby slammed his door so hard so many times the frame moved over an
inch, and it was very difficult to get it all fixed. We owned...
still, it wasn't the best thing.
I've seen families go too far to the "emotions are fine and the
expression of emotions is fine" end of things. Balance is good.
Destruction of property isn't good.
If anger can be nipped in the bud or avoided in the first place it's
better for all concerned (and future people who will come to the
situation, and strangers who don't want to overhear yelling and door
slamming) than justifying it after the fact with "need" and "okay."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
keetry
--- In [email protected], "Kim Musolff" <kmoose75@...>
wrote:
those wife swap or whatever it's called shows. One lady said one of
the kids of the other family she was with had a need to slam doors
whenever he was angry. She put a door on a frame outside so that he
and anyone else could slam it whenever they wanted. They showed
everyone slamming it at the end. The boy that had the need looked so
happy doing it. He did it over and over. Finally, one big, dramatic
slam. He turned to the camera with a huge grin, paused for just a
second and then said he had to do it one more time. It was great.
Alysia
wrote:
>(slamming doors,
> I've also
> caught myself being angry at how he is expressing his anger
> yelling, etc.). But like you, I started to realize that he NEEDSto express
> his anger and these things are an okay way to do it.I don't watch the shows but I caught the very last part of one of
>
those wife swap or whatever it's called shows. One lady said one of
the kids of the other family she was with had a need to slam doors
whenever he was angry. She put a door on a frame outside so that he
and anyone else could slam it whenever they wanted. They showed
everyone slamming it at the end. The boy that had the need looked so
happy doing it. He did it over and over. Finally, one big, dramatic
slam. He turned to the camera with a huge grin, paused for just a
second and then said he had to do it one more time. It was great.
Alysia
mary
I just did the same thing!he,he...
mary
mary
--- In [email protected], Beth Fleming <momofwc@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> Thanks, Pam...I'm printing out this part of your post to hang up in
a prominent place....Just helpful all around in all types of situations!
> Peace,
> Beth in MA
> ***In other words - keep your mommy hat on:
>
> 1. You change the way you're thinking about him.
> 2. You set up the environment for him to be successful.
> 3. You drop other things in your life so that you can be far more
> present and observant and engage in much more and earlier prevention
> and distraction.
> 4. Plan ahead and run through scenarios in your mind.
>
> -Pam****
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Jenny C
> I've seen families go too far to the "emotions are fine and theI don't like violence at all. It disturbs me. I don't even really
> expression of emotions is fine" end of things. Balance is good.
> Destruction of property isn't good.
>
> If anger can be nipped in the bud or avoided in the first place it's
> better for all concerned (and future people who will come to the
> situation, and strangers who don't want to overhear yelling and door
> slamming) than justifying it after the fact with "need" and "okay."
like movies with violence in it. However, some people like to be
dramatic, and sometimes violence is a part of the drama.
Both of my kids have displayed dramatic violence on various occasions.
Mostly I let it go, but sometimes, I will tell them, "not cool, find
another way to get out your yucky feelings". I've also said things
like, "she is only acting", which is a quote from saturday night live
something or other, can't really remember, but it's a reminder of sorts
that they are being overly dramatic about something. It's a mood
lightener/reminder in the moment that points out the drama without
drawing attention to it too much or letting it "get" to me in such a
way where I may make it worse.
It doesn't always work, but over the years, the drama stuff has gotten
less and less and my kids have found ways to be more even and deal with
their BIG feelings differently.
Sandra Dodd
-=-However, some people like to be
dramatic, and sometimes violence is a part of the drama.-=-
A person's right to be dramatic and violence ends where my
unwillingness to appreciate drama and be violated begins.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dramatic, and sometimes violence is a part of the drama.-=-
A person's right to be dramatic and violence ends where my
unwillingness to appreciate drama and be violated begins.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
MLewis
Kim, what Pam said is SO fabulous and concise (of course). I'm going
to add that it's all WORTH it. My 17 yo son was a rager. When he
was about 5 yo I pulled him and his sister from school and started
academically unschooling. When he was 6 his rages started really
scaring me. Was my son going to be a psychopath when he got
older?!?!? My gut was so twisted up that I felt SUCH a sense of
urgency and that's when I dove into radical unschooling (and I am
FOREVER thankful for Sandra Dodd and the other posters at
unschooling.com!!) And I certainly won't say that it was easy. I
read the boards every day. I had to be EVER watchful of my own
internal struggle. He could push my buttons, boy howdy! And as Pam
said, I had to put on my Mommy hat (or as I like to ask "who's the
adult here?") It was up to ME to be able to let it go. TO be the
emotional sink. The lightning rod. The example.
I got in the habit of picturing him as he was when he was a newborn.
When he was 2. When he was 3. Because I bet your son is a lot like
mine and really SWEET. I had to keep that image in mind and
communicate with my sweet boy.
I had to touch him a LOT. Not when he was angry but in all the
little moments throughout the day. And not with some agenda like: "I
am now going to touch you so that you will not be such a pain", but
totally with the same love that I felt when he was 1 and 2 years
old. That helped SO much. When I wanted to argue with him I had to
STOP. And just listen more. And really TRY and understand.
I've spoken with my husband and he was able to explain to me that
anger for him is like a switch. It's either on or off. It's a hard
concept for me to understand, but I guess Connor's is like that too.
But they DO learn to manage that switch. Really. When COnnor was
little everything was black and white. He now understands that there
is gray.
Another thing I learned was to know when something was negotiable or
not. If it wasn't negotiable it wasn't kind to argue on and on about
it. To let him invest energy in the argument was leading him on.
I'm a talker and didn't want to be overbearing etc. But when the
answer is going to HAVE to be a certain way, then it is what it is.
I had to analyze everthing to see if I was being arbitrary though.
It's amazing how many things parents can think to say no to or make a
big deal about when there's no REAL reason. Just old tapes in the
head. status quo.
Again. I won't say it was easy. But the sooner you can get as
radical as you can the better! And the more you can get your dh
there with you the WAY better.
My son is 17 now. He's wonderful. Very charming and personable yet
knows that he likes to take people in small doses. At the Life is
Good conference so MANY people took the time to tell me what a cool
guy he is. Little kids love him. He babysits 4 kids every Friday,
three of whom are on the autism spectrum, one very much so. That
family is SO grateful for him!!! He's a hugger. Just an hour ago he
was standing here next to me engulfing me in a sweet embrace.
Hang in there, Mary
to add that it's all WORTH it. My 17 yo son was a rager. When he
was about 5 yo I pulled him and his sister from school and started
academically unschooling. When he was 6 his rages started really
scaring me. Was my son going to be a psychopath when he got
older?!?!? My gut was so twisted up that I felt SUCH a sense of
urgency and that's when I dove into radical unschooling (and I am
FOREVER thankful for Sandra Dodd and the other posters at
unschooling.com!!) And I certainly won't say that it was easy. I
read the boards every day. I had to be EVER watchful of my own
internal struggle. He could push my buttons, boy howdy! And as Pam
said, I had to put on my Mommy hat (or as I like to ask "who's the
adult here?") It was up to ME to be able to let it go. TO be the
emotional sink. The lightning rod. The example.
I got in the habit of picturing him as he was when he was a newborn.
When he was 2. When he was 3. Because I bet your son is a lot like
mine and really SWEET. I had to keep that image in mind and
communicate with my sweet boy.
I had to touch him a LOT. Not when he was angry but in all the
little moments throughout the day. And not with some agenda like: "I
am now going to touch you so that you will not be such a pain", but
totally with the same love that I felt when he was 1 and 2 years
old. That helped SO much. When I wanted to argue with him I had to
STOP. And just listen more. And really TRY and understand.
I've spoken with my husband and he was able to explain to me that
anger for him is like a switch. It's either on or off. It's a hard
concept for me to understand, but I guess Connor's is like that too.
But they DO learn to manage that switch. Really. When COnnor was
little everything was black and white. He now understands that there
is gray.
Another thing I learned was to know when something was negotiable or
not. If it wasn't negotiable it wasn't kind to argue on and on about
it. To let him invest energy in the argument was leading him on.
I'm a talker and didn't want to be overbearing etc. But when the
answer is going to HAVE to be a certain way, then it is what it is.
I had to analyze everthing to see if I was being arbitrary though.
It's amazing how many things parents can think to say no to or make a
big deal about when there's no REAL reason. Just old tapes in the
head. status quo.
Again. I won't say it was easy. But the sooner you can get as
radical as you can the better! And the more you can get your dh
there with you the WAY better.
My son is 17 now. He's wonderful. Very charming and personable yet
knows that he likes to take people in small doses. At the Life is
Good conference so MANY people took the time to tell me what a cool
guy he is. Little kids love him. He babysits 4 kids every Friday,
three of whom are on the autism spectrum, one very much so. That
family is SO grateful for him!!! He's a hugger. Just an hour ago he
was standing here next to me engulfing me in a sweet embrace.
Hang in there, Mary
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-If it wasn't negotiable it wasn't kind to argue on and on about
it. To let him invest energy in the argument was leading him on.
I'm a talker and didn't want to be overbearing etc. But when the
answer is going to HAVE to be a certain way, then it is what it is.
I had to analyze everthing to see if I was being arbitrary though.
It's amazing how many things parents can think to say no to or make a
big deal about when there's no REAL reason. Just old tapes in the
head. status quo.-=-
This is the hard part, but should be talked about much more on these
lists.
People say "have to" about the damnedest things, like "He has to take
piano lessons" or "She has to wear shoes."
If someone's going into a restaurant, the restaurant requires shoes
if the government requires shoes in restaurants. So the mom
shouldn't even start to negotiate with the restaurant OR the child,
just either do the shoes and the restaurant or **hey!** (and
sometimes people don't think of this) eat elsewhere. Or have one
parent walk around outside with the kid and the other eats with the
relatives or whoever it is. Or way better, someone stay home with
the kid or leave him with other friends if he really can't/won't wear
shoes.
Most "have to" can be run through "what ifs" until some options are
found. Some moms are great at it on their own from the beginning.
Others use a list like this for brainstorming sessions.
When we encourage parents to be their children's partners, no one has
ever suggested anything like being your child's partner in stupidity
or crime or evil insanity. But defensive moms jump there, in their
minds and sometimes in their words.
This is beautiful:
-=-My son is 17 now. He's wonderful. Very charming and personable yet
knows that he likes to take people in small doses. At the Life is
Good conference so MANY people took the time to tell me what a cool
guy he is. Little kids love him. He babysits 4 kids every Friday,
three of whom are on the autism spectrum, one very much so. That
family is SO grateful for him!!! He's a hugger. Just an hour ago he
was standing here next to me engulfing me in a sweet embrace.-=-
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
it. To let him invest energy in the argument was leading him on.
I'm a talker and didn't want to be overbearing etc. But when the
answer is going to HAVE to be a certain way, then it is what it is.
I had to analyze everthing to see if I was being arbitrary though.
It's amazing how many things parents can think to say no to or make a
big deal about when there's no REAL reason. Just old tapes in the
head. status quo.-=-
This is the hard part, but should be talked about much more on these
lists.
People say "have to" about the damnedest things, like "He has to take
piano lessons" or "She has to wear shoes."
If someone's going into a restaurant, the restaurant requires shoes
if the government requires shoes in restaurants. So the mom
shouldn't even start to negotiate with the restaurant OR the child,
just either do the shoes and the restaurant or **hey!** (and
sometimes people don't think of this) eat elsewhere. Or have one
parent walk around outside with the kid and the other eats with the
relatives or whoever it is. Or way better, someone stay home with
the kid or leave him with other friends if he really can't/won't wear
shoes.
Most "have to" can be run through "what ifs" until some options are
found. Some moms are great at it on their own from the beginning.
Others use a list like this for brainstorming sessions.
When we encourage parents to be their children's partners, no one has
ever suggested anything like being your child's partner in stupidity
or crime or evil insanity. But defensive moms jump there, in their
minds and sometimes in their words.
This is beautiful:
-=-My son is 17 now. He's wonderful. Very charming and personable yet
knows that he likes to take people in small doses. At the Life is
Good conference so MANY people took the time to tell me what a cool
guy he is. Little kids love him. He babysits 4 kids every Friday,
three of whom are on the autism spectrum, one very much so. That
family is SO grateful for him!!! He's a hugger. Just an hour ago he
was standing here next to me engulfing me in a sweet embrace.-=-
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]