As long as you love them....
DaBreeze21
Some random thoughts that I had this weekend while my parents visited
us in DC (both of our families are originally from upsate NY but we
moved to DC while my husband goes to business school).
I have been discussing a lot of ideas with my mom. She is my sounding
board -- always listens, always supporting... She is a teacher (I had
her for 2 years in highschool for math!) and I was also a teacher for
4 years before my daughter was born. My mom actually was the first one
to say to me that she thought I should think about homeschooling
because I would "be so good at it" (definitely more of a schooly
mentality). My reaction at the time, was "why would I do that?!?" Now
I'm thinking about it but it is not exactly what she had in mind :-)
Anyways, we were discussing some parenting things and she said once
again that she feels like "as long as you love them (your kids) they
will turn out ok". She also mentioned once again how much she did
"wrong" and how happy she is with how things went with my sister and
I. The things that she did "wrong" were things like rocking me to
sleep, letting me nap in a swing etc. It was the first time that I
said, "Mom, what I'M saying is that those things WERE NOT wrong!" It
is so funny how even after all this time she labels them wrong....
even when she sees me doing things the way I am.
And I didn't say it to her but I disagree with the statement "as long
as you love them" for a few reasons. First of all I think that almost
ALL parents love their children (maybe on different levels?) and that
definitely does not mean that all parents are doing a great job.
Second of all, I like to believe that the choices we make really do
make a difference in our lives and our children's lives. I think that
my mom did many of the attachment parenting things without
knowing/labeling. My sister and I never really rebelled! And her and I
have always had a great relationship.... I understand her desire to
not JUDGE others because I really try not to do that too (and don't
enjoy the feeling when others are doing it to me!) -- but on some
level I know that I do because I feel so strongly about the choices I
am making... any thoughts?
us in DC (both of our families are originally from upsate NY but we
moved to DC while my husband goes to business school).
I have been discussing a lot of ideas with my mom. She is my sounding
board -- always listens, always supporting... She is a teacher (I had
her for 2 years in highschool for math!) and I was also a teacher for
4 years before my daughter was born. My mom actually was the first one
to say to me that she thought I should think about homeschooling
because I would "be so good at it" (definitely more of a schooly
mentality). My reaction at the time, was "why would I do that?!?" Now
I'm thinking about it but it is not exactly what she had in mind :-)
Anyways, we were discussing some parenting things and she said once
again that she feels like "as long as you love them (your kids) they
will turn out ok". She also mentioned once again how much she did
"wrong" and how happy she is with how things went with my sister and
I. The things that she did "wrong" were things like rocking me to
sleep, letting me nap in a swing etc. It was the first time that I
said, "Mom, what I'M saying is that those things WERE NOT wrong!" It
is so funny how even after all this time she labels them wrong....
even when she sees me doing things the way I am.
And I didn't say it to her but I disagree with the statement "as long
as you love them" for a few reasons. First of all I think that almost
ALL parents love their children (maybe on different levels?) and that
definitely does not mean that all parents are doing a great job.
Second of all, I like to believe that the choices we make really do
make a difference in our lives and our children's lives. I think that
my mom did many of the attachment parenting things without
knowing/labeling. My sister and I never really rebelled! And her and I
have always had a great relationship.... I understand her desire to
not JUDGE others because I really try not to do that too (and don't
enjoy the feeling when others are doing it to me!) -- but on some
level I know that I do because I feel so strongly about the choices I
am making... any thoughts?
Kim Musolff
*** And I didn't say it to her but I disagree with the statement "as long
as you love them" for a few reasons.***
I get so mad when I hear people say this, especially when their parenting
style is SO different than mine! I've put so much thought into what I do as
a parent. I read and I research and I ask myself and others ALL SORTS of
questions, so that I can be the best parent that I can be!
Has anyone read "Freakonomics?" One of the conclusions the authors make is
that it really doesn't matter what we do as parents, just that we care
enough to get involved. I think this is something that I can hear and then
ignore. Even if this is true, it is not really useful to know. If we think
that it doesn't matter, and we stop caring about the decisions we are
making, then we've just become the type of parents that don't make
thoughtful decisions, which (according to them) is what makes us good
parents in the first place.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
as you love them" for a few reasons.***
I get so mad when I hear people say this, especially when their parenting
style is SO different than mine! I've put so much thought into what I do as
a parent. I read and I research and I ask myself and others ALL SORTS of
questions, so that I can be the best parent that I can be!
Has anyone read "Freakonomics?" One of the conclusions the authors make is
that it really doesn't matter what we do as parents, just that we care
enough to get involved. I think this is something that I can hear and then
ignore. Even if this is true, it is not really useful to know. If we think
that it doesn't matter, and we stop caring about the decisions we are
making, then we've just become the type of parents that don't make
thoughtful decisions, which (according to them) is what makes us good
parents in the first place.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 14, 2008, at 2:32 PM, DaBreeze21 wrote:
ok". Not sure that's true either but it's closer!
Parents can do all sorts of horrible things in the name of love. But
unless it feels like love to the child -- not just "I'm doing this
because I love you!" -- it isn't going to be reacted to as love.
Parents control tightly because they love their kids and don't want
them to come to harm. But it feels like distrust. It feels like the
parents wants are important and the child's wants are wrong.
Parents can push their kids to succeed academically so they can be
the best they can be. And the children feel inadequate and only
acceptable when they perform in the way that pleases their parents.
It's not love if it doesn't feel like love.
everyone does what they believe is right for them. From their point
of view, from their understanding. But that doesn't make them right!
Even someone who is hurting others to get relief from some huge hurt
that was done to them throughout their childhood feels they're right
in some way. If you could get inside their heads you could understand
why they choose to hurt, *but* understanding doesn't mean they
couldn't be making way better choices. It doesn't make their actions
right. It doesn't make their choices right.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> "as long as you love them (your kids) theyWay more true would be "as long as they feel loved they will turn out
> will turn out ok"
ok". Not sure that's true either but it's closer!
Parents can do all sorts of horrible things in the name of love. But
unless it feels like love to the child -- not just "I'm doing this
because I love you!" -- it isn't going to be reacted to as love.
Parents control tightly because they love their kids and don't want
them to come to harm. But it feels like distrust. It feels like the
parents wants are important and the child's wants are wrong.
Parents can push their kids to succeed academically so they can be
the best they can be. And the children feel inadequate and only
acceptable when they perform in the way that pleases their parents.
It's not love if it doesn't feel like love.
> I understand her desire toThere's judging someone's actions and judging. I tend to think
> not JUDGE others because I really try not to do that too (and don't
> enjoy the feeling when others are doing it to me!)
>
everyone does what they believe is right for them. From their point
of view, from their understanding. But that doesn't make them right!
Even someone who is hurting others to get relief from some huge hurt
that was done to them throughout their childhood feels they're right
in some way. If you could get inside their heads you could understand
why they choose to hurt, *but* understanding doesn't mean they
couldn't be making way better choices. It doesn't make their actions
right. It doesn't make their choices right.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
~~
Has anyone read "Freakonomics?" ~~
We LOVE it!
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Has anyone read "Freakonomics?" ~~
We LOVE it!
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Shannon Foust
<<Parents control tightly because they love their kids and don't want
them to come to harm. >>
I hear this a lot, and I also hear the antithesis re. permissive... "if parents cared, they wouldn't let them do that". It's why I've struggled to go whole-heartedly into non-coercive parenting...I always hear that negative voice in my head that it equals "not caring or not loving". I like what Joyce had to say about if it doesn't FEEL like love, it's not received as love.
Shannon
www.myspace.com/soldout641
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them to come to harm. >>
I hear this a lot, and I also hear the antithesis re. permissive... "if parents cared, they wouldn't let them do that". It's why I've struggled to go whole-heartedly into non-coercive parenting...I always hear that negative voice in my head that it equals "not caring or not loving". I like what Joyce had to say about if it doesn't FEEL like love, it's not received as love.
Shannon
www.myspace.com/soldout641
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1040601130
www.homeschoolblogger.com/soldout841
between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I hear this a lot, and I also hear the antithesis re.
permissive... "if parents cared, they wouldn't let them do that".
It's why I've struggled to go whole-heartedly into non-coercive
parenting-=-
Let's don't mush permissive, non-coercive and mindful all into a wad,
please.
They're not the same thing. Some things might look the same, but the
basis is different and the principles are different in some ways. I
will be persuasive if I think one of my kids (or friends) is
missing an important angle. I will never "be permissive" where
"permissive" is taken to mean "Whatever; I don't care what you do."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
permissive... "if parents cared, they wouldn't let them do that".
It's why I've struggled to go whole-heartedly into non-coercive
parenting-=-
Let's don't mush permissive, non-coercive and mindful all into a wad,
please.
They're not the same thing. Some things might look the same, but the
basis is different and the principles are different in some ways. I
will be persuasive if I think one of my kids (or friends) is
missing an important angle. I will never "be permissive" where
"permissive" is taken to mean "Whatever; I don't care what you do."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
alohabun
"as long as you love them (your kids) they
is Not Enough." Which I haven't read in a few years now, but recall
getting some good ideas to either use or ponder from it. Laurie
> will turn out ok".That reminds me of a book by Nancy Samilin called "Loving Your Child
is Not Enough." Which I haven't read in a few years now, but recall
getting some good ideas to either use or ponder from it. Laurie
Shannon Foust
<<Let's don't mush permissive, non-coercive and mindful all into a wad,
please.>>
By permissive, I just meant giving permission all the time where I used to say NO most of the time...not in a "I don't care" way, but in a mindful way, so to me it is interchangeable in that context. I know that some people take it as "I don't care" and that's what I was trying to explain....that I hear that negative voice when I want to give permission, but am trying to mindfully give permission and overcome that voice :) Thank you for the reminder to be more specific.
Shannon
www.myspace.com/soldout641
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1040601130
www.homeschoolblogger.com/soldout841
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please.>>
By permissive, I just meant giving permission all the time where I used to say NO most of the time...not in a "I don't care" way, but in a mindful way, so to me it is interchangeable in that context. I know that some people take it as "I don't care" and that's what I was trying to explain....that I hear that negative voice when I want to give permission, but am trying to mindfully give permission and overcome that voice :) Thank you for the reminder to be more specific.
Shannon
www.myspace.com/soldout641
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1040601130
www.homeschoolblogger.com/soldout841
---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.
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