Amanda Horein

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I would do more talking to Marti than Lilly about it.
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I have tried to talk to Marti a bit. She is the type that jumps to
conclusions and, for lack of a better word, is a "drama queen". This is what
she says to me when I try and talk to her about it (and go with a very huffy
and irritated voice here), "Are you saying I HAVE to play with Lilly?"
Totally not what I am saying, but she must hear that. Apparently I don't
know how to talk to her so that I *don't* get those kinds of responses
though. She often says things like that in that tone of voice.

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In exchange for that, then you could give her lots of uninterrupted
time so that Lilly starts to see that sometimes Marti needs time
alone, but it won't be a long series of "no" with an occasional "yes."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I think we do give her a lot of uninterrupted time, but I will ask and see
what she thinks.

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Also, I bet they could get along better outside the house, away from
Marti's possessions and space.
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I think you're right and I love your suggestions, however that brings me to
another post I have been meaning to write...

We are without a vehicle right now. Are there any unschoolers out there who
manage without a car?

We live on a bus route, but our car breaking down has been a *huge*
lifestyle change for us. It takes a long time to get somewhere on the bus
and the bus is really hot, which is not something we can control and the
three of us (Me and the girls) get motion sickness, especially when its hot.
We also can't go to places that we went before, because they are either not
on the bus route at all or we would need to transfer busses multiple times.
Like, we used to go to one particular library on the other side of the town
next to us. It took us about 1/2 hour to get there by car, but it would take
1 1/2 hours on the bus to get there and 2 to get home, plus we would have to
transfer busses 4 times and it would cost us nearly $12.

I know right now, I am feeling trapped and I think Lilly especially is too.
We are not sure when we are going to be able to get the car fixed. Much of
the money we are saving in gas is either going into savings to get the car
fixed or to pay for rides on the bus. I need a big perspective change when
it comes to this, I think.

We do have a couple of parks nearby, that is to say a 20+ minute walk away,
and we try to get out to them when Daddy has the day off of work (so that we
can take both strollers because the girls are obviously going to be tired on
the way home and not want to walk), but that is only 2 days a week and it is
spring so if it's cold or raining on one of those two days, we are out of
luck.

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I got Roya to try out playing with Roxana for an hour first thing in the
day.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I will see if there is a good time for Marti. Right now we are at a point
that the only time Marti wants to play with Lilly is when we go upstairs at
night for bed and at that point Lilly is tired. She has asked to go to bed
and she even tells Marti to stop "jumping on the bed" and "roughhousing"
because she is tired.

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With us, I would ask Kirby to do something Marty liked for a while
sometimes. And occasionally I would offer Kirby money to distract
Marty while I needed to do something else. He would read to him, or
play something strenuous outside. The difference between those times
and the play-by-choice times were a little like a practice job for
Kirby. It was always optional. Sometimes he wanted money to buy
Ninja Turtles.
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If I *ask* Marti to play with Lilly the answer is always an automatic "no".
Even if she isn't doing anything. Maybe because I have asked too many times
when she has been doing something, I am not sure, but I try really hard not
to do that to her. I know that she sees things way differently than I do
though so it is, of course, possible.

Unfortunatley paying her isn't an option right now due mostly to the car
thing.

Thanks for the advice.

--
Amanda
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/

Swap books. It's fun and free.
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Sandra Dodd

-=-"Are you saying I HAVE to play with Lilly?"
Totally not what I am saying, but she must hear that. -=-

I would say "Why are you using that tone of voice, can't we talk
about it?"

I would likely talk about things (not all at once, but one once in a
while, unless she's into a long conversation about it) like what if
she were the younger sister? But my first mental response to "Are
you saying I HAVE to play with Lilly?" was "Are saying you don't EVER
want to play with her!?"

It can be said in a similar tone of voice, but friendly, and it might
surprise her to hear what she has basically just said.

There must be something between you and the park--a vacant lot, a
stream, something? The loading dock behind an old store? An alley?
McDonald's with a play place? Thrift store?

-=-And occasionally I would offer Kirby money to distract Marty while
I needed to do something else. He would read to him, or play
something strenuous outside. The difference between those times and
the play-by-choice times were a little like a practice job for Kirby.
-=-

I wanted to add something about Kirby and "practice jobs." When I
talked to him today, he said a guy who's been staying with them is
moving back to Albuquerque tomorrow morning, and they asked Kirby if
he wanted to call in and hang out the rest of the day. He told them
he couldn't call in 45 minutes before a shift, but he hoped they had
fun.

He told me he *could* call in, and he has two days of vacation, but
that "there would be a cost in good will." He's pretty responsible
for a 21 year old.

Sandra







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