carnationsgalore

My daughter, Allison (10), has always been a night owl. She's
encountering an old problem in a new way that has us stumped.

background: When she was 8 years old, she loved homeschooling but
reached a point where she felt very lonely and bored. She asked to go
to school because she wanted to be around a bunch of kids. She stayed
in school all that school year. Because of the fun she had in 3rd
grade, she started school the next school year, which was last August,
as a 4th grader. After a month of school, she decided 4th wasn't
going to be as great as 3rd and returned to homeschooling. She stayed
in a quiet state of being from August until late February when she
seemed to return to her very active, fun seeking, social personality.

She plays with brother who is 11 years old, but he prefers spending a
great deal of time alone in his room. He isn't as active as she wants
to be. She's feeling lonely, bored and restless. She's talked about
going back to school because at least she has something to do there
and is around a lot of kids. But I've noticed that the time she
really seems most lonely and bored is in the evenings and late at
night. She sleeps until about 1:00pm most days. By dinner time,
she's the most energetic and ready for something, though she can't
seem to explain what she feels like doing except to say she doesn't
want to be in our house or our yard. She'll tell me she wants to go
somewhere and do something. I spend a great deal time of with her
doing what she wants but she says it's not enough. Although she loves
being with me, I'm not a girl her own age, her own words.

She doesn't really want to return to school, mostly because of the
hours. She prefers going to bed past midnight and sleeping until
afternoon. She truly hates waking up at 7:00am. Her ideal situation
would be to have a place to go from 6:00pm to midnight to just play
with other children. She said that if there was a school open at
those hours, she would want to be there. We live in a one-street
neightborhood with few kids. She has tried to be friends with them
but they are never out when she wants to be out.

How can I help her with this? I've tried offering her ideas but she's
so bored with all the same old options. I would love some new ideas!

Beth M.

Pamela Sorooshian

On Apr 2, 2008, at 5:37 AM, carnationsgalore wrote:

> How can I help her with this? I've tried offering her ideas but she's
> so bored with all the same old options. I would love some new ideas!

I read your email several times because I'm sort of bewildered.

Seems her choices are school or isolation.

Do you live somewhere that doesn't have any activities at all for
children to do outside of school? Are there no other homeschoolers
where you live?

-pam

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Jenny C

> Seems her choices are school or isolation.
>
> Do you live somewhere that doesn't have any activities at all for
> children to do outside of school? Are there no other homeschoolers
> where you live?


We've encountered that here too. There are supposed to be quite a few
other homeschooled kids in the area, but we never seem to be able to
connect with any of them, either interest wise, time wise, or whatever.
We've done classes, regular homeschool outings, email groups, girl
scouts, etc. Nothing has seemed to work. We met one really wonderful
family and our daughters absolutely loved each other, then they moved to
California, we still talk, but it's not the same.

My daughter became really good friends with a neighbor girl, but the
parents are so horrible that it makes the relationship stink for the
girls too.

The late night itch to go and do and be is really strong because all day
long while she's awake, she is wanting to meet all the people that she
knows online, and by the end of the day, she becomes a little anxious
about it. Beyond, trying over and over and over, there is little else I
can see to do.

I totally know what this other girl is going through (OP). It does help
when I go and do things with my daughter, but I'm still not another girl
near her age. I have a great relationship with my daughter, but she
really would like to have some "in real life" friends and it's easy to
become discouraged when you keep trying and puting yourself out there
with no success.

Right now we are in a lull, partly because of weather, and partly
because we are considering a big move. A big move could open more
doors, although where we are considering moving is not at all where our
daughter wants to move. She wants to move to CA, and neither my husband
or I want to move to CA. Part of moving is to move somewhere more
affordable, not less.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I understand, and I can also see how a
child could feel totally alone despite great effort to find friends and
others to connect with.

Sandra Dodd

-=-The late night itch to go and do and be is really strong because
all day
long while she's awake, she is wanting to meet all the people that she
knows online, and by the end of the day, she becomes a little anxious
about it. Beyond, trying over and over and over, there is little else I
can see to do.-=-

The parents should make the children's lives busy and full. They
might go a while without a same-age, same gender friend, but it's no
guarantee or natural state of humans, nor even the best thing. It's
a school thing. And lots of kids at school don't have friends. Or
they might have one friend and five tormenters.

Some families have glorified ideas about school, and pass it on to
their kids.

Find clubs or groups for whole families, maybe--hiking clubs, or
gardening, or photography. And it might not be specifically for
families, but if you do something with your kids and other people (we
always had the SCA, and then La Leche League for many years), then
you'll meet other kids either directly or indirectly. Martial arts
has been the shared activity for some families, and they meet
others. Music.

Sandra

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Joanna Wilkinson

--- In [email protected], "Jenny C" <jenstarc4@...>
wrote:
>
>
> Anyway, I guess my point is that I understand, and I can also see
how a
> child could feel totally alone despite great effort to find friends
and
> others to connect with.
>

Same with us.
We've been more lucky with my youngest dd. She is doing girlscouts
and sports and easily makes friends. My sons best friends live 2
hours away. He's not into sports. He has just made a new friend this
year that seems to be working out well, but they don't live close and
we have to arrange for get togethers. He's had a couple of other
friends, but they move away. He thinks he's cursed. He's not
complaining of boredom though.
My oldest went through the same thing and had 3 hs friends move away
through the years and the one that didn't move,was the one she had
the least in common with. They grew apart as they got older.
In our area, it seems most homeschoolers are very christian and very
stuctured. It's been very hard to get folks to come out and play,
even with weekly park days through the spring and fall ( I usually
get 2 to 4 families that come).

Joanna W.

carnationsgalore

> Seems her choices are school or isolation.
> Do you live somewhere that doesn't have any activities at all for
> children to do outside of school? Are there no other
homeschoolers
> where you live?
> -pam

She has one unschooling friend that we see occasionally. We don't
live near enough for unplanned get togethers. She has one public
schooled friend who is so busy with school and extra-curricular
activities that they talk only talk on the phone every few weeks or
so. We know another homeschooling child, he's an only child, and
he's best friends with my son. We see him and his mom once a
month. We've been homeschooling for 6 years and have been involved
in 3 homeschool groups and actively involved in church. After all
that time and all our efforts, our friends are the ones listed above.

My daughter did cheerleading in the fall, then went into basketball
with the county recreation dept. and is now taking swim lessons at
the YMCA. She enjoys herself when she's with other kids but the
relationships don't last outside the planned activity. We are
looking forward to cheering again in the fall. We have found
several summer weekly camps at the county rec. dept. that she thinks
will be great fun. But they don't start until mid-June.

I'm sure there are other homeschoolers around but we haven't seen
them in a while. We used to take some homeschool classes but we
lost interest in the church scene and the closest homeschool classes
center closed. She didn't like the classes anyway because they were
too structured. Like I said before, she's a night owl. She prefers
staying up super late and sleeping until late afternoon. She wants
to be active after 6pm and the only thing she's been interested in
doing is swimming. She doesn't want to take any of the other
classes we discovered. She says she isn't interested in them. She
knows she wants something but she can't verbalize what it is other
than to say she's tired of being in the house and with us so much.
I really don't know what to do. This is a time when my mother would
have told me to suck it up and deal with it. I don't want to say
that to her but I can't give her a solution she finds acceptable.
I'm really not sure what else I can do.

Beth M.

Meghan Anderson-Coates

******
How can I help her with this? I've tried offering her ideas but she's
so bored with all the same old options. I would love some new ideas!

Beth M.

******

Hi Beth,
I have a night owl too, so I have an idea of what you're dealing with. Luckily, I'm a night owl too so Tamzin and I have good chats and play games into the night. Also, she's not as social as your dd (she likes her alone time), but she still likes to have other girls in her age range to pal around with. Mom is fun, but so are friends <g>.
I started trying to grow our local homeschool group (if you don't have a local group, start one) to find other tweens and teens in our area. I put up flyers and listed our group on homeschooling websites. It's now blossomed and grown and my dd has made several new friends that are also unschoolers and also night owls <g>. It does take time, but you also have to be proactive and creative in finding other people. Maybe your dd could take some classes in subjects she's interested in. Even if she meets other schooled kids that she clicks with, she can hang out with them after school and on weekends. That might fill her social need enough that she would be content hanging out with you and pursuing more solitary interests late at night.




Meghan

I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston


---------------------------------
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Shannon Foust

What about evening type activities? Sports, girl scouts, gymnastics, a friend over a couple times a week, etc.? Even if it's for just a couple of hours in the evening, it may enough of a distraction to get her to midnight without feeling completely bored.



Shannon
www.myspace.com/soldout641
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1040601130
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---------------------------------
You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

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Sandra Dodd

-=-. This is a time when my mother would
have told me to suck it up and deal with it. I don't want to say
that to her but I can't give her a solution she finds acceptable. -=-



But you can't change the world. At night, most of the stores are
closed. Movies, even in big cities, quit showing around midnight.
She's too young to be out without her parents late at night anyway,
so even if there were places and things, a formal OR informal (or
assumed) curfew would pretty much prohibit her being anywhere but
with you.



These aren't things you can do much about.

But here's a deal: Some games go 24 hours a day, like WoW, Halo2,
and she could play with people from other continents, and have
friendships within the game, maybe.



Sandra

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Sandra Dodd

-=-I started trying to grow our local homeschool group (if you don't
have a local group, start one) to find other tweens and teens in our
area. I put up flyers and listed our group on homeschooling websites.
It's now blossomed and grown and my dd has made several new friends
that are also unschoolers and also night owls <g>.--=

My boys were gamers, and the older one worked at a gaming shop, so
one thing they did a lot was stay until the shop closed (later on
Fridays and Saturdays than other days) and join or lead a pick-up
game or continuation at someone's house, sometimes ours. We have a
garage-sized room above the garage, and that was a gaming room for
years (still, occasionally), and it's far enough from where Keith-the-
dad sleeps that it wouldn't wake him up.

Sandra

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