Fighting my way back
Joanna Wilkinson
I was on a path that felt so absolutely right to me. I was coming
from a place of control and fear, to a place of love and trust. I
had four children and wanted to give them a life that was joyful and
secure and help them to stay who they were. I wanted to see them as
the perfect beings that they were and honor that. Not, try to shape
them into something I felt they needed to be. I was on a train that
was gaining momemtum. I sometimes felt like I knew what a born again
christian felt like because I was so "high" in the way, this way of
living and thinking, made me feel. I was learning so much and
challenging myself daily to be better and more patient and in the
now. I could feel a hum of rightness in me that kept me on this
path. When i slipped into old habits it felt wrong. When I made
positive, concious choices it was so right. My children were such
wonderful teachers. They kept me on the path. They challenged me.
Sam was my biggest challenger. A wonderful, sweet, funny, kind,
energetic boy to all who knew him. A boy who pushed every button I
had and kept pushing sometimes beyond my breaking point. Before
unschooling, I made terrible choices in relating to him, after
unschooling, we started to find a way to understand each other. He
never gave me a break though. He always stood his ground. As I
learned more and tried to be more present and understanding and
respectful, I began to understand what a gift he was to me. We began
to understand each other more. He started to let me in and trust
me. His energy was so intense, I had trouble sometimes with patience
with him, but I knew that without him, I would not be able to work so
well on challenging myself to be more patient. Just as I was really
beginning to understand that, Sam died. I remember thinking, "I
wasn't finished yet! I need a lot more lessons from you!" I wish I
could say that through his death I found the strength to stay with
the momentum I was feeling and living. I did not. I withdrew. I
went through I time of such intense emotion and then nothing. I
closed it all up. I didn't feel. Most of my joy and anger and
saddness and hope were stuffed into a place and whenever a little of
it started to come out, I would stuff it back in fear of it all
coming out and causing me to lose my mind in all of it's intenseness.
People think I'm "amazing" in the way I've handled this. I don't. I
struggle not to numb myself with wine every night. I wonder what all
those intense feelings are doing to my insides. I mourn for my
children the loss of the mother that could have been. Even though I
feel I have done well with them. I have remained a positive, loving,
present mother with them, but they lost a big part of me that day. I
can only be so present and so loving. I have all the patience in the
world, but it's not through mindful practice, it's because impatience
takes some emotion and Iike I said I am lacking in a lot of that.
About 2 years ago, I decided that we needed to do more with school.
Jack was 9 and still not reading. Jamie was 6 and though I knew she
could absolutely learn to read on her own (she showed a lot of
interest in reading unlike Jack) I decided we should start some
lessons. And while we were at it and little daily math. I decided
that unschooling wasn't as great as I thought it was. What was
really happening is that I didn't have the energy or drive to do what
it takes to really unschool and I wanted some control in my life and
I was letting fear take over and I got back on that path. I think I
justified it with the thinking that Jack was suffering because of his
lack of reading. He wasn't getting to experience as much as he
should because he couldn't read yet. I wouldn't sign him up for
things because of it. Jack however NEVER expressed a problem with
his reading. He never felt bad about it or embarrassed as far as I
could see. I just justified that somewhere inside, he HAD to have a
problem with it. A couple of weeks ago I decided that having them
copy pages out of books would be an easy way for them to write and
spell and read. How easy would that be!? So, we started that. The
first day was fine. After that, a lot of resistance. The reading
and daily math had only ever met a little resistance(I kept it light
and it was never really daily), but the writing was the breaking
point for them. Then the real clincher. I have been working part
time and Jack asked if I was going to be working tomorrow. When i
said no, he gave a disappointed "awww". I asked why he was
disapponted and he shrugged. I said, is it cause you wouldn't have
to do school stuff. And he said "yeah" with a smile.
Shit! What have I become!? Who have WE become. I want my kids to
love to be around me. My oldest went to high school for 9th grade.
I think it was partly because when Sam died, she was left with 2
younger siblings and a big gap between them. She is 6 years older
than Jack. She was unschooled for 8 years and it took her til her
senior year of high school (this year) before she wanted to spend any
of her free time away from her family. She is such an awesome person
because she is who she is suppose to be, not some version of what I
thought she should be. Why am I not doing that for my youngest 2!?
As much as I know how awesome they are, I am letting fear make
decisions for me. I need to stop. I need to find my way back to the
path that was truely right for me and us. I feel like I have been
living a lie for the last 2 years. I need to find my truth again. I
told Jack and Jamie that we wouldn't be doing "school stuff" any
more. Now I know I can't turn back. They will help me.
I'm not sure what I will need for this new journey. I know
intellectually about unschooling. I guess i just need to learn to
feel it again. I think being active on this list may help. It
helped me in the beginning, to express my ideas and opinions (old aol
boards).
So I'm fighting my way back. I hope you'll be patient with me.
Joanna Wilkinson
from a place of control and fear, to a place of love and trust. I
had four children and wanted to give them a life that was joyful and
secure and help them to stay who they were. I wanted to see them as
the perfect beings that they were and honor that. Not, try to shape
them into something I felt they needed to be. I was on a train that
was gaining momemtum. I sometimes felt like I knew what a born again
christian felt like because I was so "high" in the way, this way of
living and thinking, made me feel. I was learning so much and
challenging myself daily to be better and more patient and in the
now. I could feel a hum of rightness in me that kept me on this
path. When i slipped into old habits it felt wrong. When I made
positive, concious choices it was so right. My children were such
wonderful teachers. They kept me on the path. They challenged me.
Sam was my biggest challenger. A wonderful, sweet, funny, kind,
energetic boy to all who knew him. A boy who pushed every button I
had and kept pushing sometimes beyond my breaking point. Before
unschooling, I made terrible choices in relating to him, after
unschooling, we started to find a way to understand each other. He
never gave me a break though. He always stood his ground. As I
learned more and tried to be more present and understanding and
respectful, I began to understand what a gift he was to me. We began
to understand each other more. He started to let me in and trust
me. His energy was so intense, I had trouble sometimes with patience
with him, but I knew that without him, I would not be able to work so
well on challenging myself to be more patient. Just as I was really
beginning to understand that, Sam died. I remember thinking, "I
wasn't finished yet! I need a lot more lessons from you!" I wish I
could say that through his death I found the strength to stay with
the momentum I was feeling and living. I did not. I withdrew. I
went through I time of such intense emotion and then nothing. I
closed it all up. I didn't feel. Most of my joy and anger and
saddness and hope were stuffed into a place and whenever a little of
it started to come out, I would stuff it back in fear of it all
coming out and causing me to lose my mind in all of it's intenseness.
People think I'm "amazing" in the way I've handled this. I don't. I
struggle not to numb myself with wine every night. I wonder what all
those intense feelings are doing to my insides. I mourn for my
children the loss of the mother that could have been. Even though I
feel I have done well with them. I have remained a positive, loving,
present mother with them, but they lost a big part of me that day. I
can only be so present and so loving. I have all the patience in the
world, but it's not through mindful practice, it's because impatience
takes some emotion and Iike I said I am lacking in a lot of that.
About 2 years ago, I decided that we needed to do more with school.
Jack was 9 and still not reading. Jamie was 6 and though I knew she
could absolutely learn to read on her own (she showed a lot of
interest in reading unlike Jack) I decided we should start some
lessons. And while we were at it and little daily math. I decided
that unschooling wasn't as great as I thought it was. What was
really happening is that I didn't have the energy or drive to do what
it takes to really unschool and I wanted some control in my life and
I was letting fear take over and I got back on that path. I think I
justified it with the thinking that Jack was suffering because of his
lack of reading. He wasn't getting to experience as much as he
should because he couldn't read yet. I wouldn't sign him up for
things because of it. Jack however NEVER expressed a problem with
his reading. He never felt bad about it or embarrassed as far as I
could see. I just justified that somewhere inside, he HAD to have a
problem with it. A couple of weeks ago I decided that having them
copy pages out of books would be an easy way for them to write and
spell and read. How easy would that be!? So, we started that. The
first day was fine. After that, a lot of resistance. The reading
and daily math had only ever met a little resistance(I kept it light
and it was never really daily), but the writing was the breaking
point for them. Then the real clincher. I have been working part
time and Jack asked if I was going to be working tomorrow. When i
said no, he gave a disappointed "awww". I asked why he was
disapponted and he shrugged. I said, is it cause you wouldn't have
to do school stuff. And he said "yeah" with a smile.
Shit! What have I become!? Who have WE become. I want my kids to
love to be around me. My oldest went to high school for 9th grade.
I think it was partly because when Sam died, she was left with 2
younger siblings and a big gap between them. She is 6 years older
than Jack. She was unschooled for 8 years and it took her til her
senior year of high school (this year) before she wanted to spend any
of her free time away from her family. She is such an awesome person
because she is who she is suppose to be, not some version of what I
thought she should be. Why am I not doing that for my youngest 2!?
As much as I know how awesome they are, I am letting fear make
decisions for me. I need to stop. I need to find my way back to the
path that was truely right for me and us. I feel like I have been
living a lie for the last 2 years. I need to find my truth again. I
told Jack and Jamie that we wouldn't be doing "school stuff" any
more. Now I know I can't turn back. They will help me.
I'm not sure what I will need for this new journey. I know
intellectually about unschooling. I guess i just need to learn to
feel it again. I think being active on this list may help. It
helped me in the beginning, to express my ideas and opinions (old aol
boards).
So I'm fighting my way back. I hope you'll be patient with me.
Joanna Wilkinson
Sandra Dodd
-=-So I'm fighting my way back. I hope you'll be patient with me.-=-
{{{{Joanna}}}}
I'm really glad to hear from you. I had wondered how things were
going for you. I missed your words.
I wish you had stuck around with us, but I'm thinking maybe you do too.
Welcome back. Here's something cheery you or your kids might be
interested in. Or your husband! <g>
http://lyricsgame.blogspot.com
Review for us how old your younger kids are now, please. I'm not
good with math. 8 and 11?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
{{{{Joanna}}}}
I'm really glad to hear from you. I had wondered how things were
going for you. I missed your words.
I wish you had stuck around with us, but I'm thinking maybe you do too.
Welcome back. Here's something cheery you or your kids might be
interested in. Or your husband! <g>
http://lyricsgame.blogspot.com
Review for us how old your younger kids are now, please. I'm not
good with math. 8 and 11?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna Wilkinson
>too.
> I wish you had stuck around with us, but I'm thinking maybe you do
Yep. I kept coming here and reading, hoping to find that spark, but
I got nothing. It was Jacks comment that finally slapped me awake.
>Very cool. Bob always teases me that I know every lyric to every
> Welcome back. Here's something cheery you or your kids might be
> interested in. Or your husband! <g>
> http://lyricsgame.blogspot.com
song, but it's really only songs from the 70's that I'm good with.
>Yep, 8 and 11.
> Review for us how old your younger kids are now, please. I'm not
> good with math. 8 and 11?
Just writing that post earlier has gotten me so excited. I've had a
few times I wanted to control the environment and stopped myself. I
am starting to realize how far off track I really was. I'm feeling a
weight lift.
Joanna
>
Jenny C
> Just writing that post earlier has gotten me so excited. I've had aCan you think of it like honoring Sam's life, by giving your other kids
> few times I wanted to control the environment and stopped myself. I
> am starting to realize how far off track I really was. I'm feeling a
> weight lift.
what you gave him? I remember you too. I had wondered about you on and
off and I don't even really know you. So how about that? If I have
been thinking about how you've been, I'll bet others have too.
Welcome back to unschooling!
Ren Allen
~~So I'm fighting my way back. I hope you'll be patient with me.~~
It's really great to "hear" your voice again Joanna. I think of your
family quite often with great fondness. Sam's name comes up at
conferences regularly.:)
I'm glad you're back. Sending a big, squishy unschooling hug your way....
((((((((((((Joanna))))))))))))))
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
It's really great to "hear" your voice again Joanna. I think of your
family quite often with great fondness. Sam's name comes up at
conferences regularly.:)
I'm glad you're back. Sending a big, squishy unschooling hug your way....
((((((((((((Joanna))))))))))))))
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
diana jenner
Yay Joanna's back!!!
I've missed you. I got some perspective, lots of compassion and a Big HUG
for you, my friend.
I'm still waiting to hear Spongebob, just so your DH knows ;) And I don't
think I'm alone in connecting him to that song every time it's heard :D He's
a Legend! (and I wasn't even there...)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've missed you. I got some perspective, lots of compassion and a Big HUG
for you, my friend.
I'm still waiting to hear Spongebob, just so your DH knows ;) And I don't
think I'm alone in connecting him to that song every time it's heard :D He's
a Legend! (and I wasn't even there...)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Toyama
It's good to see you back again, Joanna. I've thought of you often
over the past couple of years -- and missed your contribution on
unschooling groups.
Sylvia
over the past couple of years -- and missed your contribution on
unschooling groups.
Sylvia
Joanna Wilkinson
> I'm still waiting to hear Spongebob, just so your DH knows ;) And Idon't
> think I'm alone in connecting him to that song every time it'sheard :D He's
> a Legend! (and I wasn't even there...)I just read this to Bob over the phone. He was so touched. He plays
> --
> ~diana :)
> xoxoxoxo
> hannahbearski.blogspot.com
music for a living and has played in front of huge crowds before. That
night was the first time I had ever seen him really nervous before a
performance. Once he started to sing, it was all good.
Thanks for the "welcome backs" everybody.
Joanna
Ren Allen
~~
and sang! It was pretty amazing to watch.:)
Everytime I hear that song I think of that night too. In fact, some of
us went up at the impromptu talent show at FLT last spring (a campout
for home/unschoolers in NC) and got the whole audience singing it. One
of the really fun Dads has a great pirate voice and he got us started.
So the Wilkinson fun and energy was present at the NC coast.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
> I'm still waiting to hear Spongebob, just so your DH knows ;) And Idon't
> think I'm alone in connecting him to that song every time it'sheard :D He's
> a Legend! (and I wasn't even there...)~~That night, my "shy" quiet Sierra got up in front of a huge audience
and sang! It was pretty amazing to watch.:)
Everytime I hear that song I think of that night too. In fact, some of
us went up at the impromptu talent show at FLT last spring (a campout
for home/unschoolers in NC) and got the whole audience singing it. One
of the really fun Dads has a great pirate voice and he got us started.
So the Wilkinson fun and energy was present at the NC coast.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com