Distraction
Sandra Dodd
This was in reference to something Schuyler Waynforth wrote in
another thread here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/32878
She had a good description of distraction. My response, and some
expansion:
---------------------------------------------
It is not a bad thing to distract an angry child. My children are
good evidence of that. Their relationships are good evidence of
that. Those people who, over the years, have assured whole lists
that I was wrong and manipulative, where are their children? Do
people even remember who they were?
When Kirby was nine, I was just about the only person writing about
unschooling online, and I got some criticism, and someone said "You
can ignore her; her oldest child is nine." I didn't defend myself
then with details of having had custody of three relatives before
(from two different families), nor of having taught Jr. High for
years, nor of having been very analytical about how much of my own
learning happened outside of school, or inside school but outside
their plans for my learning. I just sucked it up.
But this is important: I was telling stories about what was working
with Kirby and Marty. I was sharing personal successes. I was
reminding people what John Holt had discovered in his observations
(or telling them for the first time usually). I wasn't saying "I
know it all." My kids all agreed early, and continue to support, my
sharing their lives in enough detail that others can see how it can
work in the long term.
I still distract them when they're frustrated, and they're
practically grown (or grown) at 16, 19 and 21. If Holly is wound up
tightly and is about to say or do something regrettable, I'll ask her
to come and help me carry laundry, or unload the dishwasher (WITH me,
not by herself), and I get her away from other people and she can
vent a bit, and I remind her of something good and right about the
situation, or remind her she has the power to make it better or
worse, and that's about all the reminding she needs now. This is
built on years of other such incidents when she needed more
aggressive saving from herself.
When a child is furious or violent, it hurts him too. When a child
hits, it makes him a child who hits. Parents shouldn't partner up
with that, but should support their child's being a thoughtful,
aware, careful person. If it's too soon for the child to be
thoughtful or careful, then the parent can prevent him from doing
damage by getting him out and involved with something else while he's
calming down.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
another thread here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/32878
She had a good description of distraction. My response, and some
expansion:
---------------------------------------------
It is not a bad thing to distract an angry child. My children are
good evidence of that. Their relationships are good evidence of
that. Those people who, over the years, have assured whole lists
that I was wrong and manipulative, where are their children? Do
people even remember who they were?
When Kirby was nine, I was just about the only person writing about
unschooling online, and I got some criticism, and someone said "You
can ignore her; her oldest child is nine." I didn't defend myself
then with details of having had custody of three relatives before
(from two different families), nor of having taught Jr. High for
years, nor of having been very analytical about how much of my own
learning happened outside of school, or inside school but outside
their plans for my learning. I just sucked it up.
But this is important: I was telling stories about what was working
with Kirby and Marty. I was sharing personal successes. I was
reminding people what John Holt had discovered in his observations
(or telling them for the first time usually). I wasn't saying "I
know it all." My kids all agreed early, and continue to support, my
sharing their lives in enough detail that others can see how it can
work in the long term.
I still distract them when they're frustrated, and they're
practically grown (or grown) at 16, 19 and 21. If Holly is wound up
tightly and is about to say or do something regrettable, I'll ask her
to come and help me carry laundry, or unload the dishwasher (WITH me,
not by herself), and I get her away from other people and she can
vent a bit, and I remind her of something good and right about the
situation, or remind her she has the power to make it better or
worse, and that's about all the reminding she needs now. This is
built on years of other such incidents when she needed more
aggressive saving from herself.
When a child is furious or violent, it hurts him too. When a child
hits, it makes him a child who hits. Parents shouldn't partner up
with that, but should support their child's being a thoughtful,
aware, careful person. If it's too soon for the child to be
thoughtful or careful, then the parent can prevent him from doing
damage by getting him out and involved with something else while he's
calming down.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa Meuser
Thanks for this topic. A friend of mine argues that kids need to be
able to work through situations. She is especially referring to my
kid, who is highly sensitive and not "easy going" like her kids.
I don't agree, especially when, in the heat of the moment, my child
is not able to "work through" much on a rational level. I also think
5, or even 7 (the age of her oldest) is too young to place this
expectation upon. It was comforting to hear how you use distraction
with your teen age daughter. As adults, we often use distraction,
when needed. It frustrates me when parents put different expectations
upon kids then they would for adults.
Blabbering now.
Thanks!
Lisa
able to work through situations. She is especially referring to my
kid, who is highly sensitive and not "easy going" like her kids.
I don't agree, especially when, in the heat of the moment, my child
is not able to "work through" much on a rational level. I also think
5, or even 7 (the age of her oldest) is too young to place this
expectation upon. It was comforting to hear how you use distraction
with your teen age daughter. As adults, we often use distraction,
when needed. It frustrates me when parents put different expectations
upon kids then they would for adults.
Blabbering now.
Thanks!
Lisa
Sandra Dodd
-=-Thanks for this topic. A friend of mine argues that kids need to be
able to work through situations. She is especially referring to my
kid, who is highly sensitive and not "easy going" like her kids.
I don't agree, especially when, in the heat of the moment, my child
is not able to "work through" much on a rational level. I also think
5, or even 7 -=-
Ooh! I just posted this on another list:
-=-Aptitude and desire are WAY more important than training. There
are a few things people get in college that help, and I recommend
them to unschooling parents. Know about child development (google
Piaget stages and read for twenty minutes, maybe, if it's new to you--
don't take a whole college course). Know what Maslow said about the
hierarchy of needs. -=-
Here it is in context (not important to this discussion, so skip it
anyone who's fond of staying on topic!)
I was responding to/backing up that first quote.
==============================================================
-=-... This in no way means that I think it is perfectly okay to be
uncertified. Schools do what they can do to serve the kids, as do
parents.
-=-There are poorly trained and bad teachers unfortunately, certified
and
uncertified, as in any profession.-=-
I was a certified teacher, and I wasn't "trained" to teach. We read
lots of research summaries and books by the school reformers of the
late 60's and early 70's. I was trained not to trust traditional
schooling. Then I was put into a traditional school.
John Holt wasn't a certified teacher. I taught with some certified
teachers who should never have been teachers.
Aptitude and desire are WAY more important than training. There are
a few things people get in college that help, and I recommend them to
unschooling parents. Know about child development (google Piaget
stages and read for twenty minutes, maybe, if it's new to you--don't
take a whole college course). Know what Maslow said about the
hierarchy of needs.
I've seen my son Kirby "teach." I've seen him run tournaments at a
gaming store, where he worked from the ages of 14 to 18 or 19. I've
seen him teach beginning karate lessons. I've seen him demonstrate
games (as have some who were at the HSC conference when he did
gaming). He has an ease, a compassion, a clarity and a natural
understanding of what the people need to know to advance happily.
I've seen my husband teach people to do knotwork, in the SCA and at a
homeschooling conference. He's more longwinded than Kirby, but he's
methodical and clear and good at assisting when people are having a
problem.
Neither of them is a trained teacher, and Kirby had never seen "real
teachers" (except his karate teacher, one dance teacher he didn't
like and an art teacher he loved, when he was very young).
This isn't about California or certification. It's a little about
private schools. Last I knew in my state, some percentage of the
teachers had to be "real certified teacher" in private schools, but
not all of them (that had to do with certifications--so kids could
transfer to another school and "keep credits"). But often the best
teachers are those who simply really want to be there, who wake up in
the morning glad about where they're going, and not those (certified
or not) who are miserable and resentful.
Same with parenting!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
able to work through situations. She is especially referring to my
kid, who is highly sensitive and not "easy going" like her kids.
I don't agree, especially when, in the heat of the moment, my child
is not able to "work through" much on a rational level. I also think
5, or even 7 -=-
Ooh! I just posted this on another list:
-=-Aptitude and desire are WAY more important than training. There
are a few things people get in college that help, and I recommend
them to unschooling parents. Know about child development (google
Piaget stages and read for twenty minutes, maybe, if it's new to you--
don't take a whole college course). Know what Maslow said about the
hierarchy of needs. -=-
Here it is in context (not important to this discussion, so skip it
anyone who's fond of staying on topic!)
I was responding to/backing up that first quote.
==============================================================
-=-... This in no way means that I think it is perfectly okay to be
uncertified. Schools do what they can do to serve the kids, as do
parents.
-=-There are poorly trained and bad teachers unfortunately, certified
and
uncertified, as in any profession.-=-
I was a certified teacher, and I wasn't "trained" to teach. We read
lots of research summaries and books by the school reformers of the
late 60's and early 70's. I was trained not to trust traditional
schooling. Then I was put into a traditional school.
John Holt wasn't a certified teacher. I taught with some certified
teachers who should never have been teachers.
Aptitude and desire are WAY more important than training. There are
a few things people get in college that help, and I recommend them to
unschooling parents. Know about child development (google Piaget
stages and read for twenty minutes, maybe, if it's new to you--don't
take a whole college course). Know what Maslow said about the
hierarchy of needs.
I've seen my son Kirby "teach." I've seen him run tournaments at a
gaming store, where he worked from the ages of 14 to 18 or 19. I've
seen him teach beginning karate lessons. I've seen him demonstrate
games (as have some who were at the HSC conference when he did
gaming). He has an ease, a compassion, a clarity and a natural
understanding of what the people need to know to advance happily.
I've seen my husband teach people to do knotwork, in the SCA and at a
homeschooling conference. He's more longwinded than Kirby, but he's
methodical and clear and good at assisting when people are having a
problem.
Neither of them is a trained teacher, and Kirby had never seen "real
teachers" (except his karate teacher, one dance teacher he didn't
like and an art teacher he loved, when he was very young).
This isn't about California or certification. It's a little about
private schools. Last I knew in my state, some percentage of the
teachers had to be "real certified teacher" in private schools, but
not all of them (that had to do with certifications--so kids could
transfer to another school and "keep credits"). But often the best
teachers are those who simply really want to be there, who wake up in
the morning glad about where they're going, and not those (certified
or not) who are miserable and resentful.
Same with parenting!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mamachaos
I wanted to say that when my boys were younger--say 5 and under--I used little finger puppets ALL the time to help diffuse conflict, whining etc. I made sure one was with me when we left the house, as this was when little ones mostly needed a distraction from themselves or the boring but necessary event (grocery store ring a bell??). Shopping, I would have one on my finger and it would be using its own, very unique voice to talk to the boys, and the kids each had their own 2-3 favorite ones that became a bit like friends to them. These finger puppets didn't have MY point of view of things....they had theirs. Sometimes it was Rosie the Giraffe's--who had a long history all of her own that she shared with the boys. Rosie showed up in their easter saucers--filled with wheatgrass all tall and towering at her neck. She had a little story that I read about how her mother wanted her to visit a family of humans and have a very special friend, that she was an "only" giraffe, and the mom thought that (my son inparticular) would be the greatest person to learn from and play with. They just accepted along the way, that I could interpret for her perhaps...I do this with the family car too. "Sally"---- she has her own voice and concerns and needs and DISTRATIONS when we are in the car and all things aren't going so well! I avoided a lot of whining, perhaps even tantrums...I don't really know what I avoided, as I rarely ever experienced anything negative from the kids, because when in need, I kept them distracted!! With story, funny observations (from the point of view of a giraffe or dragon) and just love! And because it wasn't MOM saying something to them, they always listened up! They were never scolded or reminded of manners or "how to behave"---just distracted. It was awesome! Now I just need something like that with my 13 year old again and we would be off on a new footing!
I will say that I realize I was much better at parenting in general when they were under 7. At the 8-9 year change, it has been really hard for me to not place more emphasis on what I think they SHOULD be or OUGHT to be or COULD be doing, thinking, experiencing! It is much more challenging for me to redirect and distract MYSELF now than it ever was to redirect them! That's why I am here, every day trying to learn from the "pros" about territory that I have not lived yet.
Enjoy distracting!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I will say that I realize I was much better at parenting in general when they were under 7. At the 8-9 year change, it has been really hard for me to not place more emphasis on what I think they SHOULD be or OUGHT to be or COULD be doing, thinking, experiencing! It is much more challenging for me to redirect and distract MYSELF now than it ever was to redirect them! That's why I am here, every day trying to learn from the "pros" about territory that I have not lived yet.
Enjoy distracting!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mamachaos
I wanted to say that when my boys were younger--say 5 and under--I used little finger puppets ALL the time to help diffuse conflict, whining etc. I made sure one was with me when we left the house, as this was when little ones mostly needed a distraction from themselves or the boring but necessary event (grocery store ring a bell??). Shopping, I would have one on my finger and it would be using its own, very unique voice to talk to the boys, and the kids each had their own 2-3 favorite ones that became a bit like friends to them. These finger puppets didn't have MY point of view of things....they had theirs. Sometimes it was Rosie the Giraffe's--who had a long history all of her own that she shared with the boys. Rosie showed up in their easter saucers--filled with wheatgrass all tall and towering at her neck. She had a little story that I read about how her mother wanted her to visit a family of humans and have a very special friend, that she was an "only" giraffe, and the mom thought that (my son inparticular) would be the greatest person to learn from and play with. They just accepted along the way, that I could interpret for her perhaps...I do this with the family car too. "Sally"---- she has her own voice and concerns and needs and DISTRATIONS when we are in the car and all things aren't going so well! I avoided a lot of whining, perhaps even tantrums...I don't really know what I avoided, as I rarely ever experienced anything negative from the kids, because when in need, I kept them distracted!! With story, funny observations (from the point of view of a giraffe or dragon) and just love! And because it wasn't MOM saying something to them, they always listened up! They were never scolded or reminded of manners or "how to behave"---just distracted. It was awesome! Now I just need something like that with my 13 year old again and we would be off on a new footing!
I will say that I realize I was much better at parenting in general when they were under 7. At the 8-9 year change, it has been really hard for me to not place more emphasis on what I think they SHOULD be or OUGHT to be or COULD be doing, thinking, experiencing! It is much more challenging for me to redirect and distract MYSELF now than it ever was to redirect them! That's why I am here, every day trying to learn from the "pros" about territory that I have not lived yet.
Enjoy distracting!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I will say that I realize I was much better at parenting in general when they were under 7. At the 8-9 year change, it has been really hard for me to not place more emphasis on what I think they SHOULD be or OUGHT to be or COULD be doing, thinking, experiencing! It is much more challenging for me to redirect and distract MYSELF now than it ever was to redirect them! That's why I am here, every day trying to learn from the "pros" about territory that I have not lived yet.
Enjoy distracting!
Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/
"Childhood is a journey, not a race."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-It is much more challenging for me to redirect and distract MYSELF
now than it ever was to redirect them! -=-
Oh, good point! I have several times in the past year or so thought
of what I ought to say, and then thought I should actually go
downstairs or outside or for a walk to the grocery store, and if it
still felt like a good thing to say when I got back, the people would
still be there.
I never leave dramatically (in a cloud of "huff") or anything.
Nobody knows I extricated myself. <g>
My kids do really well at solving their own problems (and helping
their friends with theirs, lots of times) and they really don't need
me as they used to. That's pretty wonderful. Some of the tools
we've used here to keep peace and joy have worked with them out and
about with other groups of friends.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
now than it ever was to redirect them! -=-
Oh, good point! I have several times in the past year or so thought
of what I ought to say, and then thought I should actually go
downstairs or outside or for a walk to the grocery store, and if it
still felt like a good thing to say when I got back, the people would
still be there.
I never leave dramatically (in a cloud of "huff") or anything.
Nobody knows I extricated myself. <g>
My kids do really well at solving their own problems (and helping
their friends with theirs, lots of times) and they really don't need
me as they used to. That's pretty wonderful. Some of the tools
we've used here to keep peace and joy have worked with them out and
about with other groups of friends.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/10/2008 6:59:55 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
I should actually go
downstairs or outside or for a walk to the grocery store, and if it
still felt like a good thing to say when I got back, the people would
still be there.
___
I find that the people are usually my family. The biggest thing I have done
to improve my relationship with my family since our years of unschooling
began is to just keep my mouth shut. Seriously, we truly have wonderful
relationships but there still are many days when something surfaces that I choose
to deal with by not saying anything. It works time and time again. It works
so well that it's my first choice in any situation when I feel the slightest
bit annoyed by something or feeling stressed. I can't think of any time that
my saying something when I was stressed has ever been beneficial.
This week we have relatives visiting from out of state and I got home from a
few hours of work this morning with 2 kids asleep and one reading the paper
on the couch. Dishes from last night in the sink, laundry piled up to fold,
plans to take the relatives to the beach, the dog needed to be fed and for
some reason I just really wanted to have all the leaves blown off the front
porch and walkway before the relatives arrived. My issues, really. Everyone
was happy and I was so close to saying something that would have ruined
everyone's day, including mine. However, I made the choice to go outside and clean
off the leaves and enjoy the beautiful day for awhile rather than spewing out
something unpleasant. A few minutes later, the leaves were gone and I
walked back in to find 3 happy kids not at all aware of any problems that I was
having. We had the most lovely day because I took the time to breathe a bit
and distance myself from a situation that really was not worth being upset
about.
Tonight, the kids folded the clothes to make some room to play the new Super
Smash Bros. Brawl that we bought while we were out, we ordered pizza and
someone has cleaned the kitchen. Truly amazing..<g> I can guarantee that if I
had said something earlier that our day would not have been anywhere near so
fun.
Years of practice doing this has made it second nature. If I'm bothered by
something it is almost always something that I need to deal with. Not
something that anyone else is doing. I'm either tired, hungry, or need to lighten
up a bit. Years of helping them become aware of how to deal with hunger,
tiredness and just general life stuff has led to a home of children who are most
often happy and a mom who knows how to slip outside for awhile and come back
to happy.
Gail
http://gail-hummingbirdhaven.blogspot.com/
**************It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms, and advice on AOL Money &
Finance. (http://money.aol.com/tax?NCID=aolprf00030000000001)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
I should actually go
downstairs or outside or for a walk to the grocery store, and if it
still felt like a good thing to say when I got back, the people would
still be there.
___
I find that the people are usually my family. The biggest thing I have done
to improve my relationship with my family since our years of unschooling
began is to just keep my mouth shut. Seriously, we truly have wonderful
relationships but there still are many days when something surfaces that I choose
to deal with by not saying anything. It works time and time again. It works
so well that it's my first choice in any situation when I feel the slightest
bit annoyed by something or feeling stressed. I can't think of any time that
my saying something when I was stressed has ever been beneficial.
This week we have relatives visiting from out of state and I got home from a
few hours of work this morning with 2 kids asleep and one reading the paper
on the couch. Dishes from last night in the sink, laundry piled up to fold,
plans to take the relatives to the beach, the dog needed to be fed and for
some reason I just really wanted to have all the leaves blown off the front
porch and walkway before the relatives arrived. My issues, really. Everyone
was happy and I was so close to saying something that would have ruined
everyone's day, including mine. However, I made the choice to go outside and clean
off the leaves and enjoy the beautiful day for awhile rather than spewing out
something unpleasant. A few minutes later, the leaves were gone and I
walked back in to find 3 happy kids not at all aware of any problems that I was
having. We had the most lovely day because I took the time to breathe a bit
and distance myself from a situation that really was not worth being upset
about.
Tonight, the kids folded the clothes to make some room to play the new Super
Smash Bros. Brawl that we bought while we were out, we ordered pizza and
someone has cleaned the kitchen. Truly amazing..<g> I can guarantee that if I
had said something earlier that our day would not have been anywhere near so
fun.
Years of practice doing this has made it second nature. If I'm bothered by
something it is almost always something that I need to deal with. Not
something that anyone else is doing. I'm either tired, hungry, or need to lighten
up a bit. Years of helping them become aware of how to deal with hunger,
tiredness and just general life stuff has led to a home of children who are most
often happy and a mom who knows how to slip outside for awhile and come back
to happy.
Gail
http://gail-hummingbirdhaven.blogspot.com/
**************It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms, and advice on AOL Money &
Finance. (http://money.aol.com/tax?NCID=aolprf00030000000001)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tanya Ziegler
--Sandra Dodd wrote: Know about child development (google
the hierarchy of needs. >
oooh, thanks for this. As I've been making my way through John Holt
books, I had the thought that perhaps I should do some reading on
child development. But I really wasn't sure where to start or how to
avoid the negative stuff (sorry, I can't remember a specific example I
read lately).
If any other suggestions, please bring 'em on!
Tanya
> Piaget stages and read for twenty minutes, maybe, if it's new toyou-- don't take a whole college course). Know what Maslow said about
the hierarchy of needs. >
oooh, thanks for this. As I've been making my way through John Holt
books, I had the thought that perhaps I should do some reading on
child development. But I really wasn't sure where to start or how to
avoid the negative stuff (sorry, I can't remember a specific example I
read lately).
If any other suggestions, please bring 'em on!
Tanya
Sandra Dodd
-=-If any other suggestions, please bring 'em on!-=-
Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory
http://sandradodd.com/intelligences
You can find them elsewhere on the web but often the site has to do
with business management.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory
http://sandradodd.com/intelligences
You can find them elsewhere on the web but often the site has to do
with business management.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Theory that gave me the name of my newsletter. :)
Bob
>It was reading an article about Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence
> -=-If any other suggestions, please bring 'em on!-=-
>
> Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory
> http://sandradodd.com/intelligences
>
> You can find them elsewhere on the web but often the site has to do
> with business management.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Theory that gave me the name of my newsletter. :)
Bob
Sandra Dodd
-=-It was reading an article about Howard Gardner's Multiple
Intelligence
Theory that gave me the name of my newsletter. :)-=-
I figured! "Parental Intelligence." That's good!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Intelligence
Theory that gave me the name of my newsletter. :)-=-
I figured! "Parental Intelligence." That's good!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jenstarc4
>be
> Thanks for this topic. A friend of mine argues that kids need to
> able to work through situations. She is especially referring to myMy kids are soooo different, I almost had to reinvent how I parent.
> kid, who is highly sensitive and not "easy going" like her kids.
What one child needs for distractions or working through tough
moments is so totally different than the other child.
My older,13yo, daughter has her own techniques of working through her
frustrations. I have no idea how it works in her own head, she's
never been able to articulate it to me. I do know, that the less I
do, the better the situation is.
A simple acceptance on my part of what she's going through, maybe a
suggestion or two, is about all I do, just something to let her know
that I'm on her side and available to help her if she so chooses my
help. Anything else is going to feel intrusive to her and cause her
frustration. On the surface it may look like I'm doing nothing, yet
I'm totally tuned in to her in her time of need and I monitor the
situation from afar. I do what I can, like keep her little sister
occupied and out of her space, find a cool song for her, make her a
nice little snack, bring her a drink, whatever seems appropriate.
For me, it's like bringing light and hope into her life in a time
that for her it appears somewhat dim.
My other daughter, 6, NEEDS very involved physical distraction. It's
not just her age, but her personality. I have to be very proactive
in the whole situation. Dropping the ball, on my part, could mean
prolonged agony for all parties involved.
I remember reading on Sandra's site about how it takes more time when
the kids are younger http://sandradodd.com/howto
<http://sandradodd.com/howto> , and progressively
less time or ratio of mom/kid time as the child gets older. I find
this is definitely true for my relationship with my younger
daughter. As she's gotten older, she can handle more and better,
situations that frustrate her, on her own, with less and less help
from me.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]