self-improvement
Sandra Dodd
-=-. I practiced
various self-improvement techniques constantly, mainly creative
visualization and positive autosuggestion, to counter it and ensure
that my intentions were the dominant influence on my thoughts and
actions not memories or voices from the past. That's still my daily
practice (and something of a soapbox topic for me, which I won't go
into here). -=-
Bob, I don't mind if you go into it here. I kinda wish you would.
If you don't want to, is there a link to something you've already
written?
Lately I've been telling people a little more directly that if
they're not up to being patient or creative or happy with their kids,
they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in a good
space to parent better.
-=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
improvement literature.-=-
Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and Adult
Children of Alcoholics meetings.
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
various self-improvement techniques constantly, mainly creative
visualization and positive autosuggestion, to counter it and ensure
that my intentions were the dominant influence on my thoughts and
actions not memories or voices from the past. That's still my daily
practice (and something of a soapbox topic for me, which I won't go
into here). -=-
Bob, I don't mind if you go into it here. I kinda wish you would.
If you don't want to, is there a link to something you've already
written?
Lately I've been telling people a little more directly that if
they're not up to being patient or creative or happy with their kids,
they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in a good
space to parent better.
-=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
improvement literature.-=-
Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and Adult
Children of Alcoholics meetings.
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jane S.
Byon Katie's books are the BEST.... esp. her first one.. "Loving What
Is"....
And there's the daily readings from the Alanon literature....
A BIG one for me was letting go of how 'things are supposed to
be'...which frees me to live in unlimited possibilities...
AND parenting for the here and now.... NOT bec. I want some outcome
in the future (i.e., 'if I allow my kids free access to the tv then
they won't obsess about it later'.... my kids have free access to the
tv, period, bec. it is the way we do things around here now....)
Sam Wilkinson and his family camped with my family as part of a big
yearly community trip.... his death led to the loss of my desire
to 'prepare my kids for college, career, etc etc etc'.... He had a
lot of life in him and I remember feeling jealous of the enthusiasm
and zest I saw in him and his family... I wanted that for my
family... so... letting go...letting go...enjoy...enjoy...
Jane
Is"....
And there's the daily readings from the Alanon literature....
A BIG one for me was letting go of how 'things are supposed to
be'...which frees me to live in unlimited possibilities...
AND parenting for the here and now.... NOT bec. I want some outcome
in the future (i.e., 'if I allow my kids free access to the tv then
they won't obsess about it later'.... my kids have free access to the
tv, period, bec. it is the way we do things around here now....)
Sam Wilkinson and his family camped with my family as part of a big
yearly community trip.... his death led to the loss of my desire
to 'prepare my kids for college, career, etc etc etc'.... He had a
lot of life in him and I remember feeling jealous of the enthusiasm
and zest I saw in him and his family... I wanted that for my
family... so... letting go...letting go...enjoy...enjoy...
Jane
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
.
>
> How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
> where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
> students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
> forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
> parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
> helped?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Mine, I think, mostly came from my mom. As I read messages and explore
ideas, thoughts, and reactions as well as the past I find that my mom did
some very "unschooly" things with me. Now, I actually went to school, but I
didn't have a bedtime, I didn't have a curfew, I was allowed to swear in
front of them, they let me smoke (which I is the reason that I think I
*don't* smoke now), and they "let me" date a 24 year old when I was 17 (a
very good thing since 10 years later we are still together and have 2
beautiful daughters).
That being said, I did go to mainstream parenting at first. I wasn't
involved with LLL or much of any of that type of support. My main support
when I had my oldest (I was 19 and not ready to parent) was my grandma, who
had very "old fashioned" parenting ideals. It wasn't until I had my
youngest, 4 years ago, that I started questioning mainstream and I did so
because mainstream ways didn't work with her. I had to come up with more
creative better ways, but still slipped back into mainstream often.
I found unschooling about 4 years ago. I got on the boards and realized that
"I could *never* let my kids..." fill in the blank. Well, about a year ago
my best friend (of 24 years, and I am only 27 today) had a preemie baby
after trying for quite a few years to get pregnant and the baby died 18 days
later. That flipped my world upside down and I questioned everything.
Including my parenting. We began saying "yes" more and more. By August we
were well on the path to "radical" unschoolers (for lack of a better term).
I think we are all better for it.
So, it was a series of things that let to my parenting today (as it usually
is) including my mom (who dabbled in unschooly ways in her parenting), Lilly
(my youngest who challenged the mainstream ways), and Isaac (who was just
one of those miracles who come, but don't stay for long).
--
Amanda
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Mine, I think, mostly came from my mom. As I read messages and explore
ideas, thoughts, and reactions as well as the past I find that my mom did
some very "unschooly" things with me. Now, I actually went to school, but I
didn't have a bedtime, I didn't have a curfew, I was allowed to swear in
front of them, they let me smoke (which I is the reason that I think I
*don't* smoke now), and they "let me" date a 24 year old when I was 17 (a
very good thing since 10 years later we are still together and have 2
beautiful daughters).
That being said, I did go to mainstream parenting at first. I wasn't
involved with LLL or much of any of that type of support. My main support
when I had my oldest (I was 19 and not ready to parent) was my grandma, who
had very "old fashioned" parenting ideals. It wasn't until I had my
youngest, 4 years ago, that I started questioning mainstream and I did so
because mainstream ways didn't work with her. I had to come up with more
creative better ways, but still slipped back into mainstream often.
I found unschooling about 4 years ago. I got on the boards and realized that
"I could *never* let my kids..." fill in the blank. Well, about a year ago
my best friend (of 24 years, and I am only 27 today) had a preemie baby
after trying for quite a few years to get pregnant and the baby died 18 days
later. That flipped my world upside down and I questioned everything.
Including my parenting. We began saying "yes" more and more. By August we
were well on the path to "radical" unschoolers (for lack of a better term).
I think we are all better for it.
So, it was a series of things that let to my parenting today (as it usually
is) including my mom (who dabbled in unschooly ways in her parenting), Lilly
(my youngest who challenged the mainstream ways), and Isaac (who was just
one of those miracles who come, but don't stay for long).
--
Amanda
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I was spanked. My father shamed my mother. My mother shamed me. My
father told me I walked on water.
I was the honor student who was supposed to be a veterinarian. I didn't
finish college. Although I know *nothing* I do could disappoint my
father, I'm sure he wishes I got at LEAST a bachelor's. Education
is/was always very, very important to him. Unschooling is tough for him
to accept, but he says that he's sure I would never do anything to harm
my children AND he knows that I'm smart enough to handle their
education. Still...
For me, knowing that my father believed in me no matter what is HUGE.
And his understanding that *passion* fuels learning---no matter what
the passion is.
The second thing, without a doubt, is unschooling and mindful
parenting. *Thinking* before I do anything. Which, I think, is
something I've always done---just not so mindFULLY, maybe.
Having the boys at home all the time and not *away* for half the day
has been helpful 'cause I've learned to "keep it constant" and not let
things go and then grasp frantically when we all get together. It's
more of a *flow* and a *in* and *out*.
Writing about it has been big too. I *could* just *think* it. <g> But
putting it on (virtual) paper has been so helpful. ---I mean, even If I
don't hit "send" now, I'd still get some benefit of having hashed it
out in my head and thought clearly enough to write it down.
Clarity---that's what's helped. And writing aids clarity for me.
And knowing that "improvement" has no end. <G> Even if I'm "improved,"
I can still be ...*more*...improved. <G> It doesn't end. I *can* be/do
better.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I was spanked. My father shamed my mother. My mother shamed me. My
father told me I walked on water.
I was the honor student who was supposed to be a veterinarian. I didn't
finish college. Although I know *nothing* I do could disappoint my
father, I'm sure he wishes I got at LEAST a bachelor's. Education
is/was always very, very important to him. Unschooling is tough for him
to accept, but he says that he's sure I would never do anything to harm
my children AND he knows that I'm smart enough to handle their
education. Still...
For me, knowing that my father believed in me no matter what is HUGE.
And his understanding that *passion* fuels learning---no matter what
the passion is.
The second thing, without a doubt, is unschooling and mindful
parenting. *Thinking* before I do anything. Which, I think, is
something I've always done---just not so mindFULLY, maybe.
Having the boys at home all the time and not *away* for half the day
has been helpful 'cause I've learned to "keep it constant" and not let
things go and then grasp frantically when we all get together. It's
more of a *flow* and a *in* and *out*.
Writing about it has been big too. I *could* just *think* it. <g> But
putting it on (virtual) paper has been so helpful. ---I mean, even If I
don't hit "send" now, I'd still get some benefit of having hashed it
out in my head and thought clearly enough to write it down.
Clarity---that's what's helped. And writing aids clarity for me.
And knowing that "improvement" has no end. <G> Even if I'm "improved,"
I can still be ...*more*...improved. <G> It doesn't end. I *can* be/do
better.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
cathy
Sandra wrote
they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in a good
space to parent better.
-=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
improvement literature.-=-
Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and Adult
Children of Alcoholics meetings.
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?<<<
. I became a Christian when I was 15 and about to do away with
myself. The positive, life-affirming philosophy of Christianity has made all
the difference to me. My biggest problem was that I had lost hope;
relationship with God gave it back.
. But I was still a pretty messed up person. Facing the realities of
what growing up in my family was like was part of it - acknowledging the
hatred and anger I had hidden deep down inside, owning it, feeling it, and
then letting it go; forgiving my parents, and finally coming to a place of
blessing them even though I no longer have relationship with either of them.
This was a long and extended process and I don't think I would have had the
courage to do it if I hadn't known Jesus. Truly, He has been my greatest
Friend.
. I love to read - used to use it as a way of escaping my life when
I was young. I enjoy discovering and thinking about insights and ideas. Lots
and lots of books have been helpful. In parenting, the greatest and most
meaningful influences have been John Holt, Charlotte Mason, and Sandra
Dodd's emails J
. By some miracle, I managed to marry an amazing man - even though
statistics seem to say that the odds were stacked against me and that many
people with my background end up marrying abusive husbands. He has always
known that children are people, and even before we had any, he set the stage
for us to treat children differently. He remains my greatest support,
encourager, challenger, fellow thinker and adventurer. He loves me, I trust
him, and thus he is a very dependable mirror that I use to check up on my
behaviour, thinking and attitudes.
Regards
Cathy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>>>Lately I've been telling people a little more directly that ifthey're not up to being patient or creative or happy with their kids,
they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in a good
space to parent better.
-=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
improvement literature.-=-
Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and Adult
Children of Alcoholics meetings.
How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?<<<
. I became a Christian when I was 15 and about to do away with
myself. The positive, life-affirming philosophy of Christianity has made all
the difference to me. My biggest problem was that I had lost hope;
relationship with God gave it back.
. But I was still a pretty messed up person. Facing the realities of
what growing up in my family was like was part of it - acknowledging the
hatred and anger I had hidden deep down inside, owning it, feeling it, and
then letting it go; forgiving my parents, and finally coming to a place of
blessing them even though I no longer have relationship with either of them.
This was a long and extended process and I don't think I would have had the
courage to do it if I hadn't known Jesus. Truly, He has been my greatest
Friend.
. I love to read - used to use it as a way of escaping my life when
I was young. I enjoy discovering and thinking about insights and ideas. Lots
and lots of books have been helpful. In parenting, the greatest and most
meaningful influences have been John Holt, Charlotte Mason, and Sandra
Dodd's emails J
. By some miracle, I managed to marry an amazing man - even though
statistics seem to say that the odds were stacked against me and that many
people with my background end up marrying abusive husbands. He has always
known that children are people, and even before we had any, he set the stage
for us to treat children differently. He remains my greatest support,
encourager, challenger, fellow thinker and adventurer. He loves me, I trust
him, and thus he is a very dependable mirror that I use to check up on my
behaviour, thinking and attitudes.
Regards
Cathy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tricia
But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
I was an abused child and then became the abuser of my own children.
That is a very hard thing to admit...especially when at the time that I
was being abused and doing the abusing,I didn't recognise it as abuse.
I am 51 yrs old,and it was becoming a grandmother and helping my dd
raise her child that is highly sensitive,that I stumbled accross 2
things in the same day on the internet:unschooling and "the unprocessed
child" by Valerie Fitzenreiter.I joined the radical unschooling list
that day and ordered the book that day.It was just a month before the
live and learn conference was in Peabody Massachusettes.I live in
Alabama.I went by car with my daughter-in-law and 4 grandsons.I met
Anne Ohman and Valerie Fitzenreiter there and many other wonderful
people there.This is what did it for me.
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
I was an abused child and then became the abuser of my own children.
That is a very hard thing to admit...especially when at the time that I
was being abused and doing the abusing,I didn't recognise it as abuse.
I am 51 yrs old,and it was becoming a grandmother and helping my dd
raise her child that is highly sensitive,that I stumbled accross 2
things in the same day on the internet:unschooling and "the unprocessed
child" by Valerie Fitzenreiter.I joined the radical unschooling list
that day and ordered the book that day.It was just a month before the
live and learn conference was in Peabody Massachusettes.I live in
Alabama.I went by car with my daughter-in-law and 4 grandsons.I met
Anne Ohman and Valerie Fitzenreiter there and many other wonderful
people there.This is what did it for me.
diana jenner
On Fri, Mar 7, 2008 at 7:05 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
me from parents who were told always they were worthless, so why would their
offspring have value?
We didn't have money, we didn't have food and we didn't have a familial
sense of "it's all good" -- I was really, really young when I realized I was
smarter then they and I remember thinking, often, "well, that doesn't make
*any* sense!!" I couldn't figure them out, it was like I had an expressed
gene that no one else had... I felt, quite literally, like the red-headed
step-child of lore, 'cept I was punished for being *good* and *smart* and
*responsible* and all those other things I learned were important at school,
but didn't make any sense in my Real World. By 13, I was spending most of my
time at an aunt's house, by 15 I was officially moved out of their home.
The turn of the corner, the on-ramp to a different highway *system*
(including some off-road touring) than my family's, came when I was 18 and
had my first serious boyfriend. Big Joe's sense of humor was a Living Virus
I'm glad to have been infected with!! He would *see* my childhood tales as a
film reel and laugh and laugh and laugh, sometimes until he cried... at
first it "hurt my feelings"... then he gently took me my the hand, led me
over to his perspective and we *watched* those stories again -- OMG They're
SO funny!! -- and right there, I began my journey of "Don't take it
personally" and the development of my personal mantra, "there's always room
for humor."
This lead to The Forum (http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum.jsp),
which I cannot recommend enough. It is now formatted for three days and an
evening of Ass Kicking; when I did it, it was TWO consecutive weekends and
an evening of Serious Bullshit Take Down! Joe was fond of calling his/their
technique "Grabbing the Gold and shaking off the Shit" (which I think is
quite similar to Sandra's technique). I was part of this
organization/movement for many years. In the years since, I'm reminded of
this work in the writings of Wayne Dyer, Barbara Sher and most recently
Byron Katie, Don Miguel Ruiz.
It was impossible to have this much of Life's Shit shaken off of me NOT to
uncover my God wounds and heal them too. Here's a list of some favorite
stories/perspective shifters: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's
Childhood Pal; The Moon Under Her Feet -Clysta Kinster; Conversations with
God - the whole series! The Journey Home - Kryon
My parents? They're cool. They've been amazing grandparents to my kids :)
They're still married, they still *really* love each other, and I think
they're proof we never do stop learning and growing and getting better at
this whole schitck-as-a-human :)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homesMy bizarre childhood is well documented ;) School (beginning at age 2) saved
> where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
> students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
> forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
> parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
> helped?
>
>
>
me from parents who were told always they were worthless, so why would their
offspring have value?
We didn't have money, we didn't have food and we didn't have a familial
sense of "it's all good" -- I was really, really young when I realized I was
smarter then they and I remember thinking, often, "well, that doesn't make
*any* sense!!" I couldn't figure them out, it was like I had an expressed
gene that no one else had... I felt, quite literally, like the red-headed
step-child of lore, 'cept I was punished for being *good* and *smart* and
*responsible* and all those other things I learned were important at school,
but didn't make any sense in my Real World. By 13, I was spending most of my
time at an aunt's house, by 15 I was officially moved out of their home.
The turn of the corner, the on-ramp to a different highway *system*
(including some off-road touring) than my family's, came when I was 18 and
had my first serious boyfriend. Big Joe's sense of humor was a Living Virus
I'm glad to have been infected with!! He would *see* my childhood tales as a
film reel and laugh and laugh and laugh, sometimes until he cried... at
first it "hurt my feelings"... then he gently took me my the hand, led me
over to his perspective and we *watched* those stories again -- OMG They're
SO funny!! -- and right there, I began my journey of "Don't take it
personally" and the development of my personal mantra, "there's always room
for humor."
This lead to The Forum (http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum.jsp),
which I cannot recommend enough. It is now formatted for three days and an
evening of Ass Kicking; when I did it, it was TWO consecutive weekends and
an evening of Serious Bullshit Take Down! Joe was fond of calling his/their
technique "Grabbing the Gold and shaking off the Shit" (which I think is
quite similar to Sandra's technique). I was part of this
organization/movement for many years. In the years since, I'm reminded of
this work in the writings of Wayne Dyer, Barbara Sher and most recently
Byron Katie, Don Miguel Ruiz.
It was impossible to have this much of Life's Shit shaken off of me NOT to
uncover my God wounds and heal them too. Here's a list of some favorite
stories/perspective shifters: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's
Childhood Pal; The Moon Under Her Feet -Clysta Kinster; Conversations with
God - the whole series! The Journey Home - Kryon
My parents? They're cool. They've been amazing grandparents to my kids :)
They're still married, they still *really* love each other, and I think
they're proof we never do stop learning and growing and getting better at
this whole schitck-as-a-human :)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I love to read - used to use it as a way of escaping my life when
I was young. I enjoy discovering and thinking about insights and
ideas. Lots
and lots of books have been helpful. In parenting, the greatest and most
meaningful influences have been John Holt, Charlotte Mason, and Sandra
Dodd's emails -=-
Wow. Thanks!
I have a book...
http://sandradodd.com/puddlebook
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was young. I enjoy discovering and thinking about insights and
ideas. Lots
and lots of books have been helpful. In parenting, the greatest and most
meaningful influences have been John Holt, Charlotte Mason, and Sandra
Dodd's emails -=-
Wow. Thanks!
I have a book...
http://sandradodd.com/puddlebook
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Katy
I had a hard time deciding exactly where my self-improvement techniques came from. Many came from Sandra and Pam and Joyce and others at the old Unschooling.com boards, then their websites and email lists. But I decided long before that that I didn't want to be the same kind of parent that my mom was. I just didn't quite know how to do it!
I always heard growing up that I was not living up to my potential. I still hate that word, potential. I got bad grades because it was just expected that I would get good ones, because I could. My best friend in school had to work at school, she studied, did her homework, and still struggled. I could ditch classes, not do any homework, and still do well on the tests. I didn't want to stand out among my friends by doing well. I still sometimes hear that I have disappointed people by staying in little old Alamogordo and focusing on my son instead of becoming a doctor or something. It used to really bother me, now it mostly bothers me if my son hears it, because I don't want him to worry that I feel like I settled. I DON'T feel that way at all, and I have talked with Richard (12) a little bit about that.
Because of my experience in school, I thought that I would homeschool from the beginning. I also thought that I would not use one of the typical curriculum types that I had seen, mostly because they seemed 1. just like school, and 2. religious. I do not remember how I stumbled across the old unschooling.com boards, I tend to have little lapses in memory when it comes to things like that. I may have smoked too much pot as a teenager. :-\ I am glad that I did though, I don't think I would have used a set curriculum, but I was a no-gun, no-violent game type of mom before I found unschooling.
I read lots about attachment parenting when I was pregnant, and tried to be the best attachment-type parent that I could be, within the limitations of being a single parent and working. Most of what I read came from the internet. I wish that I had attended La Leche meetings, I was too afraid of groups of people to try them out. I read whatever I could from them though.
I think my parenting beliefs began after an incident while I was in high school. I had a friend spending the night, and in the middle of the night my dog chewed up something that I loved, a stuffed animal. I was furious, and I spanked her. I didn't think anything of it, my mom and dad spanked, both me and the dogs, that was normal! Well my friend told me that I should NEVER have kids, because I was too heavy handed. I spanked too hard. I have never gotten that out of my head, I spanked too hard. So it is ok to spank, but not too hard? I did spank Richard twice when he was little, but I felt horrible afterwards, and I kept going back to what she said. I decided that I would never spank again, any living thing.
I really didn't find lots of information out there that shaped me in a positive way, mostly I read things that I didn't agree with (before finding unschooling). That was helpful though, it helped me to know how I didn't want to be. I read lots on homeschooling and parenting boards, and argued with the more conservative parents. I am so thankful for the people who volunteer their time on the unschooling websites, email lists, boards, etc. Now it is easier to find information about how I DO want to be.
I have to mention that my mom has turned into a wonderful grandmother. She inspects child-care homes and centers, and tries to help them to be more unschooly, kind of! I am glad that she is has become an awesome grandma for my son and nieces.
Katy J
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I always heard growing up that I was not living up to my potential. I still hate that word, potential. I got bad grades because it was just expected that I would get good ones, because I could. My best friend in school had to work at school, she studied, did her homework, and still struggled. I could ditch classes, not do any homework, and still do well on the tests. I didn't want to stand out among my friends by doing well. I still sometimes hear that I have disappointed people by staying in little old Alamogordo and focusing on my son instead of becoming a doctor or something. It used to really bother me, now it mostly bothers me if my son hears it, because I don't want him to worry that I feel like I settled. I DON'T feel that way at all, and I have talked with Richard (12) a little bit about that.
Because of my experience in school, I thought that I would homeschool from the beginning. I also thought that I would not use one of the typical curriculum types that I had seen, mostly because they seemed 1. just like school, and 2. religious. I do not remember how I stumbled across the old unschooling.com boards, I tend to have little lapses in memory when it comes to things like that. I may have smoked too much pot as a teenager. :-\ I am glad that I did though, I don't think I would have used a set curriculum, but I was a no-gun, no-violent game type of mom before I found unschooling.
I read lots about attachment parenting when I was pregnant, and tried to be the best attachment-type parent that I could be, within the limitations of being a single parent and working. Most of what I read came from the internet. I wish that I had attended La Leche meetings, I was too afraid of groups of people to try them out. I read whatever I could from them though.
I think my parenting beliefs began after an incident while I was in high school. I had a friend spending the night, and in the middle of the night my dog chewed up something that I loved, a stuffed animal. I was furious, and I spanked her. I didn't think anything of it, my mom and dad spanked, both me and the dogs, that was normal! Well my friend told me that I should NEVER have kids, because I was too heavy handed. I spanked too hard. I have never gotten that out of my head, I spanked too hard. So it is ok to spank, but not too hard? I did spank Richard twice when he was little, but I felt horrible afterwards, and I kept going back to what she said. I decided that I would never spank again, any living thing.
I really didn't find lots of information out there that shaped me in a positive way, mostly I read things that I didn't agree with (before finding unschooling). That was helpful though, it helped me to know how I didn't want to be. I read lots on homeschooling and parenting boards, and argued with the more conservative parents. I am so thankful for the people who volunteer their time on the unschooling websites, email lists, boards, etc. Now it is easier to find information about how I DO want to be.
I have to mention that my mom has turned into a wonderful grandmother. She inspects child-care homes and centers, and tries to help them to be more unschooly, kind of! I am glad that she is has become an awesome grandma for my son and nieces.
Katy J
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bob Collier
I started reading self-improvement/self-help literature in my late 20s
because I had a life that clearly needed straightening out. I was a
drunk in those days and flitting from job to job with plenty of
unemployment in between, and generally despondent that I was failing
my wife, the person who had saved me from total disaster.
Then our daughter was born and, when she was about six months old, my
wife returned to her career and I became the at home parent by
default. I had already decided by then that I would raise my daughter
according to the new ideas that had been making such a positive
difference in *my* life.
There were four books that were particularly influential in my early
years as a stay-at-home dad:
Wallace D. Wattles' Financial Success Through the Power of Creative
Thought (better known these days as The Science of Getting Rich)
Will Schultz's Profound Simplicity
Maxwell Maltz's Psycho-Cybernetics
Edward de Bono's The Mechanism of Mind
Not the kind of books a new parent would usually think of to turn to
for advice. :)
As it turned out, I've always found it very difficult to explain
these books and their ideas in a parenting context. Even to the mother
of my children. She's never actually read any of them herself.
Self-improvement - or personal development, as I more usually call it
these days - is my weird hobby as far as she's concerned! My belief is
that it should be part of everybody's daily life. That's why it's my
soapbox topic. :)
Anyway, there are problems with all of the books that my parenting
philosophy is based on. Wallace D. Wattles' book is a 'New Thought'
treatise written in 1910 that's based on some highly debatable
metaphysics, so I don't talk about that ever now. Besides which, I'm
not a financial success (at the moment at least), so, even though I
translated the book's ideas into parenting success, I can't claim that
they 'work'. Profound Simplicity is written in a New Age context and
I'm not New Age at all. The Mechanism of Mind, in contrast, is so feet
on the ground it reads like a school text book. Very dull unless
you're truly fascinated by the subject matter. Probably
Psycho-Cybernetics is the most useful of the books overall.
Because it was written in 1960, parts of it are very dated, but the
subject matter of "self-image psychology" gives it its importance. For
me, our self-image is the key.
Last year, I did try to extract the essential ideas from these books
and create something of my own and I came up with an e-book called How
I Parent. It's very short - 30 pages - that's how little I have to say
on the subject! I'd be happy to send you a copy if you're interested
in reading it.
Bob
because I had a life that clearly needed straightening out. I was a
drunk in those days and flitting from job to job with plenty of
unemployment in between, and generally despondent that I was failing
my wife, the person who had saved me from total disaster.
Then our daughter was born and, when she was about six months old, my
wife returned to her career and I became the at home parent by
default. I had already decided by then that I would raise my daughter
according to the new ideas that had been making such a positive
difference in *my* life.
There were four books that were particularly influential in my early
years as a stay-at-home dad:
Wallace D. Wattles' Financial Success Through the Power of Creative
Thought (better known these days as The Science of Getting Rich)
Will Schultz's Profound Simplicity
Maxwell Maltz's Psycho-Cybernetics
Edward de Bono's The Mechanism of Mind
Not the kind of books a new parent would usually think of to turn to
for advice. :)
As it turned out, I've always found it very difficult to explain
these books and their ideas in a parenting context. Even to the mother
of my children. She's never actually read any of them herself.
Self-improvement - or personal development, as I more usually call it
these days - is my weird hobby as far as she's concerned! My belief is
that it should be part of everybody's daily life. That's why it's my
soapbox topic. :)
Anyway, there are problems with all of the books that my parenting
philosophy is based on. Wallace D. Wattles' book is a 'New Thought'
treatise written in 1910 that's based on some highly debatable
metaphysics, so I don't talk about that ever now. Besides which, I'm
not a financial success (at the moment at least), so, even though I
translated the book's ideas into parenting success, I can't claim that
they 'work'. Profound Simplicity is written in a New Age context and
I'm not New Age at all. The Mechanism of Mind, in contrast, is so feet
on the ground it reads like a school text book. Very dull unless
you're truly fascinated by the subject matter. Probably
Psycho-Cybernetics is the most useful of the books overall.
Because it was written in 1960, parts of it are very dated, but the
subject matter of "self-image psychology" gives it its importance. For
me, our self-image is the key.
Last year, I did try to extract the essential ideas from these books
and create something of my own and I came up with an e-book called How
I Parent. It's very short - 30 pages - that's how little I have to say
on the subject! I'd be happy to send you a copy if you're interested
in reading it.
Bob
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-. I practiced
> various self-improvement techniques constantly, mainly creative
> visualization and positive autosuggestion, to counter it and ensure
> that my intentions were the dominant influence on my thoughts and
> actions not memories or voices from the past. That's still my daily
> practice (and something of a soapbox topic for me, which I won't go
> into here). -=-
>
> Bob, I don't mind if you go into it here. I kinda wish you would.
> If you don't want to, is there a link to something you've already
> written?
>
> Lately I've been telling people a little more directly that if
> they're not up to being patient or creative or happy with their kids,
> they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in a good
> space to parent better.
>
> -=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
> improvement literature.-=-
>
> Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and Adult
> Children of Alcoholics meetings.
>
> How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
> where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
> students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
> forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
> parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
> helped?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Self-improvement - or personal development, as I more usually call it
these days - is my weird hobby as far as she's concerned! My belief is
that it should be part of everybody's daily life. That's why it's my
soapbox topic. :)-=-
I think people without whatever combination of aspects Howard Gardner
termed "intrapersonal intelligence" don't want or get "personal
development." (I could be wrong.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
these days - is my weird hobby as far as she's concerned! My belief is
that it should be part of everybody's daily life. That's why it's my
soapbox topic. :)-=-
I think people without whatever combination of aspects Howard Gardner
termed "intrapersonal intelligence" don't want or get "personal
development." (I could be wrong.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Last year, I did try to extract the essential ideas from these books
and create something of my own and I came up with an e-book called How
I Parent. It's very short - 30 pages - that's how little I have to say
on the subject! I'd be happy to send you a copy if you're interested
in reading it.-=-
Is there a link to it where people here can buy/see/download (however
it works)?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and create something of my own and I came up with an e-book called How
I Parent. It's very short - 30 pages - that's how little I have to say
on the subject! I'd be happy to send you a copy if you're interested
in reading it.-=-
Is there a link to it where people here can buy/see/download (however
it works)?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tracyliebmann
Hi, I'm Tracy a self-improvement junkie...<g>
I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want without going way
too long :-) I grew up in a looks good on the outside, was not so
pretty on the inside home. My first memory of me *knowing* what I
wanted to be when I grew up was in about the 8th grade...I told my
Dad that I wanted to go to Cornell and study Law, he said "you
aren't smart enough" I wanted to fight for justice...I knew what I
was experiencing wasn't fair! So yes...shame, abuse, alcoholism and
just plain stupidity wrapped up in a pretty socially acceptable
wrapper is the way I grew up.
One of my quiet soap boxes is alcoholism, I think it is one of the
profound problems in society today. So often overlooked, the damage
it is doing to not only families and children, but every aspect of
our culture.
So, the question was...how'd I get here from there...well I too LOVE
to read. The library is like my favorite place :-) Not novels...self-
help, parenting, spirituality, gardening...just to name a few. I
started reading all kinds of spirituality type books geez over 20
years ago...it's funny I have read some of them again lately, then
remembering...I read this when I lived in San Fran or Colorado...I
used to move alot, that was another part of my self discovery...
No matter where you go...you're always there ;-) when I realized a
new place wasn't gonna fix what was wrong inside of me...it was off
to therapy! That to proved to be a journey...lots of wackos out
there if ya know what I mean. Yes, most of them helped me, and even
if they didn't I learned from the experience. I'm going out on a
limb here....but I pretty much think therapy should be a requirement
for this school we call life.
Good friends who have their shit together are another really big
part of my journey. These groups have been very helpful/healing,
it's just not my favorite forum to listen and share. Reading and
typing on the computer are not my favorite things. I'm a
talker...not a typer. I also like to hear,see,feel what the other
people are saying, which can get lost in translation online IMHO.
It's really late and I have about 3 new books I was gonna look at
before bed...guess I need to go self-improve. I like to read
something kind of "meaty" right before sleep...I think it sinks in
over night...my brain is like chicken...it needs to marinade ;-)
~Tracy~
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want without going way
too long :-) I grew up in a looks good on the outside, was not so
pretty on the inside home. My first memory of me *knowing* what I
wanted to be when I grew up was in about the 8th grade...I told my
Dad that I wanted to go to Cornell and study Law, he said "you
aren't smart enough" I wanted to fight for justice...I knew what I
was experiencing wasn't fair! So yes...shame, abuse, alcoholism and
just plain stupidity wrapped up in a pretty socially acceptable
wrapper is the way I grew up.
One of my quiet soap boxes is alcoholism, I think it is one of the
profound problems in society today. So often overlooked, the damage
it is doing to not only families and children, but every aspect of
our culture.
So, the question was...how'd I get here from there...well I too LOVE
to read. The library is like my favorite place :-) Not novels...self-
help, parenting, spirituality, gardening...just to name a few. I
started reading all kinds of spirituality type books geez over 20
years ago...it's funny I have read some of them again lately, then
remembering...I read this when I lived in San Fran or Colorado...I
used to move alot, that was another part of my self discovery...
No matter where you go...you're always there ;-) when I realized a
new place wasn't gonna fix what was wrong inside of me...it was off
to therapy! That to proved to be a journey...lots of wackos out
there if ya know what I mean. Yes, most of them helped me, and even
if they didn't I learned from the experience. I'm going out on a
limb here....but I pretty much think therapy should be a requirement
for this school we call life.
Good friends who have their shit together are another really big
part of my journey. These groups have been very helpful/healing,
it's just not my favorite forum to listen and share. Reading and
typing on the computer are not my favorite things. I'm a
talker...not a typer. I also like to hear,see,feel what the other
people are saying, which can get lost in translation online IMHO.
It's really late and I have about 3 new books I was gonna look at
before bed...guess I need to go self-improve. I like to read
something kind of "meaty" right before sleep...I think it sinks in
over night...my brain is like chicken...it needs to marinade ;-)
~Tracy~
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
>would.
> -=-. I practiced
> various self-improvement techniques constantly, mainly creative
> visualization and positive autosuggestion, to counter it and ensure
> that my intentions were the dominant influence on my thoughts and
> actions not memories or voices from the past. That's still my daily
> practice (and something of a soapbox topic for me, which I won't go
> into here). -=-
>
> Bob, I don't mind if you go into it here. I kinda wish you
> If you don't want to, is there a link to something you've alreadykids,
> written?
>
> Lately I've been telling people a little more directly that if
> they're not up to being patient or creative or happy with their
> they might want to go to a counsellor and get themselves in agood
> space to parent better.Adult
>
> -=-My parenting philosophy and behaviour came entirely from self-
> improvement literature.-=-
>
> Mine were heavily influenced by La Leche League meetings and
> Children of Alcoholics meetings.or
>
> How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
> where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
> students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer
> forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
> parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
> helped?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/7/2008 10:07:52 AM Eastern Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
My parenting journey was focussed on my mother, from long before I had
children. After I had children, that waned a bit. As Wyl approached "school age",
I found a lot of tension in the relationship between Dave and I, Wyl and both
my parents-and that increased as Wyl's age did. Before long, my entire
parenting "being" had some aspect of my mother in it-my focus was so on "not being
a mother like she was" that she overshadowed so many areas... From my
delving into things on the unschooling groups, asking some general questions on
them and finding a couple excellent mentors, I finally was able to see this.
After taking a long break from having any contact with my parents, I was able to
refocus. With reading messages *daily* on 2 or 3 unschooling groups and some
wonderful advice and guidance from my mentors, I was able to find the parent
that I want to be, the parent that I *am*, completely unrelated to who my
mother was as a parent. It was, again, a struggle in perceptions, but a struggle
SO worth it. I've bought stacks of books recommended by unschoolers I trust
and yet... I just don't have time to read them! Writing somehow seems to help
me think more clearly as well, so my blog has really helped in that area.
Listening in (and sometimes asking questions) at the discussion groups, my
blog, and thoughtful, direct help from my mentors has helped me immensely, but
more importantly, it has helped my spouse and my children immeasurably.
Peace,
De
**************It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms, and advice on AOL Money &
Finance. (http://money.aol.com/tax?NCID=aolprf00030000000001)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
But of those of you who did come to
parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
helped?
My parenting journey was focussed on my mother, from long before I had
children. After I had children, that waned a bit. As Wyl approached "school age",
I found a lot of tension in the relationship between Dave and I, Wyl and both
my parents-and that increased as Wyl's age did. Before long, my entire
parenting "being" had some aspect of my mother in it-my focus was so on "not being
a mother like she was" that she overshadowed so many areas... From my
delving into things on the unschooling groups, asking some general questions on
them and finding a couple excellent mentors, I finally was able to see this.
After taking a long break from having any contact with my parents, I was able to
refocus. With reading messages *daily* on 2 or 3 unschooling groups and some
wonderful advice and guidance from my mentors, I was able to find the parent
that I want to be, the parent that I *am*, completely unrelated to who my
mother was as a parent. It was, again, a struggle in perceptions, but a struggle
SO worth it. I've bought stacks of books recommended by unschoolers I trust
and yet... I just don't have time to read them! Writing somehow seems to help
me think more clearly as well, so my blog has really helped in that area.
Listening in (and sometimes asking questions) at the discussion groups, my
blog, and thoughtful, direct help from my mentors has helped me immensely, but
more importantly, it has helped my spouse and my children immeasurably.
Peace,
De
**************It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms, and advice on AOL Money &
Finance. (http://money.aol.com/tax?NCID=aolprf00030000000001)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Hallie
Hi, Sandra and everyone,
I've been lurking for a while and would like to introduce myself briefly before getting to the self-improvement subject and listing practices and readings that have helped me.
We are Hallie (me, 44 y/o), Jeff (dh, 49 y/o) and Adin (ds, newly-6 y/o). We have been unschoolers for almost all of Adin's life (when he was 3 y/o, we sent Adin to a twice-a- week "preschool," which we finally pulled him out of totally by February of that year).
All three of us tend to be sensitive, anxious people, although there are many other adjectives that also apply! Jeff and I both carry quite a bit of baggage from our childhoods in families who misunderstood us and from cruelty we each suffered in school. I've also become convinced that simply living unmindfully in this world creates lots of anxiety/depression/anger for which no person or event is to blame.
The first beneficial thing I did for myself and my family was to retire from a highly stressful job as an attorney. My son's birth led me to this decision, and I'll be grateful to him forever for this. I would probably never have been able to work on self-improvement if he hadn't arrived in our lives. For me, self-improvement boils down to being present and mindful. Every day, I fall short sometimes of being mindful and present. There are times when I probably appear not to have improved at all. The difference is that I'm now aware of a healthier path that I can always return to!
So, to get to the subject of the post:
Psychotherapy, meditation & literature (all sorts) are what I use for self-improvement. If I only have time or energy for one of these practices, I always turn to literature.
Psychotherapy: Cognitive psychotherapy worked best for me, because it helped me recognize and begin to change very old thought patterns that were no longer useful to me. Another good thing for me about this form of therapy is that it does not require years on the analyst's couch. When I gained some insight into my thought processes (and some insight into how to gain further insight, etc.) this was work I could do on my own with infrequent "tune-ups" with the therapist.
Meditation: Zen meditation has been great for me. My teacher focuses on breathing awareness, but I think any form of meditation when practiced daily even for a few minutes, can have miraculous effects.
Literature (including groups like this one) has been my most important tool. Here are a few of my biggies:
(1) The AA Big Book. NOT FOR ALCOHOLICS ONLY!!! The Big Book is the best self-improvement book ever written, in my opinion. It feels divinely inspired to me, and I think it can benefit anyone in any situation.
(2) Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach
(3) Mindful Parenting, by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn
(4) The Breathing Book, by Donna Farhi
(5) "Growing Without Schooling," John Holt's newsletter. I bought some back issues and received others from angelic unschoolers who did not need for them anymore.
(6) Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg
(7) Learning All the Time, by John Holt
(8) How Children Fail, by John Holt
(9) Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, by Barbara Kingsolver
(10) This list, which I found only recently.
(11) Anne Ohman's "Shine With Unschooling" list
(12) The Highly Sensitive Child & The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron
(13) The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene
(14) A Course in Miracles. It is written in Christian terminology, and I am not a Christian, but I have benefited from it. I like the daily exercises. Someone told me the other day that Oprah was recently touting ACIM, so it may become famous soon!
(15) Anything by Pema Chodron
I'll stop the list there before this post gets too long! Anyway, I keep all of these materials handy and just "baste" in them when I need rejuvenation.
Thank you, Sandra, for opening up this topic. I've been quite stressed and mindless lately, and thinking this through has helped me slow down and remember that the better path always awaits me!
-Hallie
---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've been lurking for a while and would like to introduce myself briefly before getting to the self-improvement subject and listing practices and readings that have helped me.
We are Hallie (me, 44 y/o), Jeff (dh, 49 y/o) and Adin (ds, newly-6 y/o). We have been unschoolers for almost all of Adin's life (when he was 3 y/o, we sent Adin to a twice-a- week "preschool," which we finally pulled him out of totally by February of that year).
All three of us tend to be sensitive, anxious people, although there are many other adjectives that also apply! Jeff and I both carry quite a bit of baggage from our childhoods in families who misunderstood us and from cruelty we each suffered in school. I've also become convinced that simply living unmindfully in this world creates lots of anxiety/depression/anger for which no person or event is to blame.
The first beneficial thing I did for myself and my family was to retire from a highly stressful job as an attorney. My son's birth led me to this decision, and I'll be grateful to him forever for this. I would probably never have been able to work on self-improvement if he hadn't arrived in our lives. For me, self-improvement boils down to being present and mindful. Every day, I fall short sometimes of being mindful and present. There are times when I probably appear not to have improved at all. The difference is that I'm now aware of a healthier path that I can always return to!
So, to get to the subject of the post:
Psychotherapy, meditation & literature (all sorts) are what I use for self-improvement. If I only have time or energy for one of these practices, I always turn to literature.
Psychotherapy: Cognitive psychotherapy worked best for me, because it helped me recognize and begin to change very old thought patterns that were no longer useful to me. Another good thing for me about this form of therapy is that it does not require years on the analyst's couch. When I gained some insight into my thought processes (and some insight into how to gain further insight, etc.) this was work I could do on my own with infrequent "tune-ups" with the therapist.
Meditation: Zen meditation has been great for me. My teacher focuses on breathing awareness, but I think any form of meditation when practiced daily even for a few minutes, can have miraculous effects.
Literature (including groups like this one) has been my most important tool. Here are a few of my biggies:
(1) The AA Big Book. NOT FOR ALCOHOLICS ONLY!!! The Big Book is the best self-improvement book ever written, in my opinion. It feels divinely inspired to me, and I think it can benefit anyone in any situation.
(2) Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach
(3) Mindful Parenting, by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn
(4) The Breathing Book, by Donna Farhi
(5) "Growing Without Schooling," John Holt's newsletter. I bought some back issues and received others from angelic unschoolers who did not need for them anymore.
(6) Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg
(7) Learning All the Time, by John Holt
(8) How Children Fail, by John Holt
(9) Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, by Barbara Kingsolver
(10) This list, which I found only recently.
(11) Anne Ohman's "Shine With Unschooling" list
(12) The Highly Sensitive Child & The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron
(13) The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene
(14) A Course in Miracles. It is written in Christian terminology, and I am not a Christian, but I have benefited from it. I like the daily exercises. Someone told me the other day that Oprah was recently touting ACIM, so it may become famous soon!
(15) Anything by Pema Chodron
I'll stop the list there before this post gets too long! Anyway, I keep all of these materials handy and just "baste" in them when I need rejuvenation.
Thank you, Sandra, for opening up this topic. I've been quite stressed and mindless lately, and thinking this through has helped me slow down and remember that the better path always awaits me!
-Hallie
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Thank you, Sandra, for opening up this topic. I've been quite
stressed and mindless lately, and thinking this through has helped me
slow down and remember that the better path always awaits me!-=-
I'm glad so many ideas are coming up.
For those who are afraid you'll need to embark on some long quest
for mental health, I want to remind you that it happens in moments,
not in years, and this moment is better than a later one.
Regular meditation is great, but it's not that or nothing. Learn to
calm yourself with deep breaths wherever you are: car, bathroom,
walking to the store.
When you're choosing music or movies, choose the uplifting or happy
ones over the shoot-em-up-death ones when you're stressed or on the
edge of depression. If it has to be Jim Carey, watch The Truman Show
instead of The Cable Guy. If you're totally in the mood for Robin
Williams, watch Hook or Mrs. Doubtfire instead of One Hour Photo.
There are times to watch sad or scary movies (or sad music, or
depressing books) but if you do it all the time, when will you
recharge and rise up?
Comfort food can be good. If you're feeling overwhelmed, what is it
that has good memories or associations for you? Instant pudding?
Mashed potatoes? Macaroni and Cheese? Figure out what kinds of
things make you feel better. Think of all y our senses and provide
yourself with what tastes, looks, feels, smells and sounds soothing
(at least one or two of the list).
Then learn to do that for your kids, too!!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
stressed and mindless lately, and thinking this through has helped me
slow down and remember that the better path always awaits me!-=-
I'm glad so many ideas are coming up.
For those who are afraid you'll need to embark on some long quest
for mental health, I want to remind you that it happens in moments,
not in years, and this moment is better than a later one.
Regular meditation is great, but it's not that or nothing. Learn to
calm yourself with deep breaths wherever you are: car, bathroom,
walking to the store.
When you're choosing music or movies, choose the uplifting or happy
ones over the shoot-em-up-death ones when you're stressed or on the
edge of depression. If it has to be Jim Carey, watch The Truman Show
instead of The Cable Guy. If you're totally in the mood for Robin
Williams, watch Hook or Mrs. Doubtfire instead of One Hour Photo.
There are times to watch sad or scary movies (or sad music, or
depressing books) but if you do it all the time, when will you
recharge and rise up?
Comfort food can be good. If you're feeling overwhelmed, what is it
that has good memories or associations for you? Instant pudding?
Mashed potatoes? Macaroni and Cheese? Figure out what kinds of
things make you feel better. Think of all y our senses and provide
yourself with what tastes, looks, feels, smells and sounds soothing
(at least one or two of the list).
Then learn to do that for your kids, too!!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hpmarker
She said warily to the woman who had never really posted before but who
suddenly decided to post an encyclopedia! LOL
Sorry about that. :-)
-Hallie
suddenly decided to post an encyclopedia! LOL
Sorry about that. :-)
-Hallie
> I'm glad so many ideas are coming up.
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sorry about that. :-)-=-
Don't apologize, it was cool! I love the outpourings of people who
can't help but share their good unschooling stories.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Don't apologize, it was cool! I love the outpourings of people who
can't help but share their good unschooling stories.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
http://www.parental-intelligence.com/howiparent.html
Bob
>Yes, sure. There's more information about it here:
> -=-Last year, I did try to extract the essential ideas from these books
> and create something of my own and I came up with an e-book called How
> I Parent. It's very short - 30 pages - that's how little I have to say
> on the subject! I'd be happy to send you a copy if you're interested
> in reading it.-=-
>
>
>
> Is there a link to it where people here can buy/see/download (however
> it works)?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
http://www.parental-intelligence.com/howiparent.html
Bob
swissarmy_wife
I'll spare the gory details of my childhood...
You know those famous words that every teenager says? "I'm never
going to that to MY kids!!!" Well, I held on to those words. I still
never let them go. I truly understood as a teenager, that adulthood
did not have to be this way. I was thrown in psychiatrists enough
times to start to understand the field. That children do not have to
be like their parents, that I could break the cycle. Self-Improvement
has always been a priority for me. But it's more mental/emotional for
me than anything else. I had to find ways of breaking free from guilt
and shame that still creeps up my spine once in awhile. It took years
and years after high school, to finally realize that I was important.
I really had no idea that I was.
When I worked for the Boys and Girls Club for awhile, I remember
telling teenagers that they WERE important. That they DID matter. I
was so surprised by how many children, believed they didn't matter
because they were "only kids".
Unschooling and peaceful parenting has been the one thing that I
believe helped me the most. I've done a lot to try and loosen the
grip my childhood has had on me, but I never felt more free from it
until I became the parent I always wanted. :-)
-Heather
You know those famous words that every teenager says? "I'm never
going to that to MY kids!!!" Well, I held on to those words. I still
never let them go. I truly understood as a teenager, that adulthood
did not have to be this way. I was thrown in psychiatrists enough
times to start to understand the field. That children do not have to
be like their parents, that I could break the cycle. Self-Improvement
has always been a priority for me. But it's more mental/emotional for
me than anything else. I had to find ways of breaking free from guilt
and shame that still creeps up my spine once in awhile. It took years
and years after high school, to finally realize that I was important.
I really had no idea that I was.
When I worked for the Boys and Girls Club for awhile, I remember
telling teenagers that they WERE important. That they DID matter. I
was so surprised by how many children, believed they didn't matter
because they were "only kids".
Unschooling and peaceful parenting has been the one thing that I
believe helped me the most. I've done a lot to try and loosen the
grip my childhood has had on me, but I never felt more free from it
until I became the parent I always wanted. :-)
-Heather
> How about others here? Some of you started off from happy homes
> where you weren't hit or shamed. Some of you weren't the honor
> students who were supposed to either go to space or cure cancer or
> forever live in shame. But of those of you who did come to
> parenting with a few disadvantages in the mental peace area, what
> helped?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Yes, sure. There's more information about it here:
http://www.parental-intelligence.com/howiparent.html
Thanks, Bob. i added a link to your site on my page of links for dads.
http://sandradodd.com/dads
Sandra
http://www.parental-intelligence.com/howiparent.html
Thanks, Bob. i added a link to your site on my page of links for dads.
http://sandradodd.com/dads
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-I had to find ways of breaking free from guilt
and shame that still creeps up my spine once in awhile.-=-
What a good description of how it feels for the biochemicals related
with shame to come upon a person. And it IS a biochemical thing.
It's a feeling of being unacceptable to the rest of the group, and
I'm sure it's an adaptive thing in natural primate situations, but
it's certainly used in crippling doses in this culture!
-=- It took years and years after high school, to finally realize
that I was important. I really had no idea that I was. -=-
A couple of weeks ago Holly started reading "Moving a Puddle." She
marked a passage in there, and said she hadn't known that about me.
It was this:
"Maybe I thought that if you were good in school, you could grow up
and become a real adult with job. And if you were good in New Mexico,
you could grow up and move to a more real place. But somehow I had
the idea that "real" was elsewhere. And "important" was not me."
It's 1/3 the way down an article called "How Holly Takes the World
for Granted"
http://sandradodd.com/fullofyourself
-=-Unschooling and peaceful parenting has been the one thing that I
believe helped me the most. I've done a lot to try and loosen the
grip my childhood has had on me, but I never felt more free from it
until I became the parent I always wanted. :-) -=-
That's really good, Heather! Some people say "become the parent you
want to be" but I bet they often are thinking "become the parent you
wanted to have."
I've had lots of thoughts about such things lately, because Holly has
a boyfriend, and he's older than she is (he's older than Kirby is)
and it's feeling like the final exam of all we've built up to.
Principles we've lived under for sixteen years can't be set aside
because she's 16! And really, her maturity surpasses mine and
Keith's put together when either of us was 16.
Sandra
and shame that still creeps up my spine once in awhile.-=-
What a good description of how it feels for the biochemicals related
with shame to come upon a person. And it IS a biochemical thing.
It's a feeling of being unacceptable to the rest of the group, and
I'm sure it's an adaptive thing in natural primate situations, but
it's certainly used in crippling doses in this culture!
-=- It took years and years after high school, to finally realize
that I was important. I really had no idea that I was. -=-
A couple of weeks ago Holly started reading "Moving a Puddle." She
marked a passage in there, and said she hadn't known that about me.
It was this:
"Maybe I thought that if you were good in school, you could grow up
and become a real adult with job. And if you were good in New Mexico,
you could grow up and move to a more real place. But somehow I had
the idea that "real" was elsewhere. And "important" was not me."
It's 1/3 the way down an article called "How Holly Takes the World
for Granted"
http://sandradodd.com/fullofyourself
-=-Unschooling and peaceful parenting has been the one thing that I
believe helped me the most. I've done a lot to try and loosen the
grip my childhood has had on me, but I never felt more free from it
until I became the parent I always wanted. :-) -=-
That's really good, Heather! Some people say "become the parent you
want to be" but I bet they often are thinking "become the parent you
wanted to have."
I've had lots of thoughts about such things lately, because Holly has
a boyfriend, and he's older than she is (he's older than Kirby is)
and it's feeling like the final exam of all we've built up to.
Principles we've lived under for sixteen years can't be set aside
because she's 16! And really, her maturity surpasses mine and
Keith's put together when either of us was 16.
Sandra
Meghan Anderson-Coates
*****
If it has to be Jim Carey, watch The Truman Show
*****
I love that movie! Another Jim Carrey movie I really like is The Majestic (also uplifting).
*****
Comfort food can be good. If you're feeling overwhelmed, what is it
that has good memories or associations for you?
*****
Music is like that for me. I have CDs I've burned that have themes. I have my happy CDs, my sad CDs, my driving/road trip CDs (my dd also has special driving CDs that she's burned for our car trips), etc. I'm a little bit of a music geek <g>. I can really turn my mood around with the right music.
Meghan
I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If it has to be Jim Carey, watch The Truman Show
*****
I love that movie! Another Jim Carrey movie I really like is The Majestic (also uplifting).
*****
Comfort food can be good. If you're feeling overwhelmed, what is it
that has good memories or associations for you?
*****
Music is like that for me. I have CDs I've burned that have themes. I have my happy CDs, my sad CDs, my driving/road trip CDs (my dd also has special driving CDs that she's burned for our car trips), etc. I'm a little bit of a music geek <g>. I can really turn my mood around with the right music.
Meghan
I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tanya Ziegler
>Heather wrote: I never felt more free from it until I became theparent I always wanted.
>Sandra wrote: Some people say "become the parent you want to be" butI bet they often are thinking "become the parent you wanted to have."
This gave me a lightbulb moment today. I have a hard time coming up
with appropriate responses on the spot when my child is (or I am)
having an intense moment. I don't have time to stop and actively
think of the right thing to do in alignment with peaceful parenting
(and, again, I have no model to go by of my own).
But this comment "become the parent *I always wanted to have* is a
much easier question to work on the spot. So, I thought about it
today (yesterday, I guess) and used it a couple times when I needed to
respond to my child at that moment. And, it worked! Instead of
thinking, "now, what should I do that would be in the way of peaceful
parenting?" (when my child is upset or I am getting frustrated, this
is not a particularly creative moment for me). But when I asked
myself, "how would I like to be parented" in this moment, an
appropriate response (rather than a hasty reaction) is much easier to
access.
Thanks for that!
Tanya
Tanya Ziegler
I had another thought on this... basically that when I think about
peaceful parenting, it is more a concept that feels outside myself. I
can access it in my head, but not in my knowing/being - it's not
instinct. But when I think about "being the parent I want/ed" - now,
that I can access in my being, my heart. That gives me a personal
connection.
With peaceful parenting, I feel like I need to study it, learn it,
practice it. With "being the parent I want/ed", that I already know
and feel, and I can respond appropriately from that without having to
ask someone else, "when x happens, what do I do?"
When Sandra asked earlier what brought people to peaceful parenting, I
didn't really have an answer for myself. But as others have talked
about self-improvement, I've given this more thought and tried to find
my own connections.
I have been reading self-help stuff for many years in an attempt to
move past my childhood wounds. But I didn't see the connection at
first from that to my own desire to move into peaceful parenting.
Then it dawned on me. The reason I waited to have my first child
until I was 33 was because I was always afraid to have children. I
felt I was messed up enough from my own childhood that I didn't want
to pass that on to my own child/ren. <lightbulb>
I thought I had moved past most, if not all, of my childhood wounds,
but having my own child has shown me I'm not quite done. To top it
off, I'm worried about offending my mother by way of parenting
differently. We have a pretty good relationship right now after years
of healing, but the idea of homeschooling has brought up a little
tension. I'm afraid she'll critic or criticize something in our
parenting, and I'll react by saying something to the effect of "well,
I don't want to parent the same way you did". Ugh! That puts my
stomach in knots. Maybe I better go watch another movie <g>.
Tanya
--- In [email protected], "Tanya Ziegler" <tanyaz1@...>
wrote:
peaceful parenting, it is more a concept that feels outside myself. I
can access it in my head, but not in my knowing/being - it's not
instinct. But when I think about "being the parent I want/ed" - now,
that I can access in my being, my heart. That gives me a personal
connection.
With peaceful parenting, I feel like I need to study it, learn it,
practice it. With "being the parent I want/ed", that I already know
and feel, and I can respond appropriately from that without having to
ask someone else, "when x happens, what do I do?"
When Sandra asked earlier what brought people to peaceful parenting, I
didn't really have an answer for myself. But as others have talked
about self-improvement, I've given this more thought and tried to find
my own connections.
I have been reading self-help stuff for many years in an attempt to
move past my childhood wounds. But I didn't see the connection at
first from that to my own desire to move into peaceful parenting.
Then it dawned on me. The reason I waited to have my first child
until I was 33 was because I was always afraid to have children. I
felt I was messed up enough from my own childhood that I didn't want
to pass that on to my own child/ren. <lightbulb>
I thought I had moved past most, if not all, of my childhood wounds,
but having my own child has shown me I'm not quite done. To top it
off, I'm worried about offending my mother by way of parenting
differently. We have a pretty good relationship right now after years
of healing, but the idea of homeschooling has brought up a little
tension. I'm afraid she'll critic or criticize something in our
parenting, and I'll react by saying something to the effect of "well,
I don't want to parent the same way you did". Ugh! That puts my
stomach in knots. Maybe I better go watch another movie <g>.
Tanya
--- In [email protected], "Tanya Ziegler" <tanyaz1@...>
wrote:
> This gave me a lightbulb moment today. I have a hard time coming up
> with appropriate responses on the spot when my child is (or I am)
> having an intense moment. I don't have time to stop and actively
> think of the right thing to do in alignment with peaceful parenting
> (and, again, I have no model to go by of my own).
>
> But this comment "become the parent *I always wanted to have* is a
> much easier question to work on the spot. So, I thought about it
> today (yesterday, I guess) and used it a couple times when I needed to
> respond to my child at that moment. And, it worked! Instead of
> thinking, "now, what should I do that would be in the way of peaceful
> parenting?" (when my child is upset or I am getting frustrated, this
> is not a particularly creative moment for me). But when I asked
> myself, "how would I like to be parented" in this moment, an
> appropriate response (rather than a hasty reaction) is much easier to
> access.
>
> Thanks for that!
> Tanya
>
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Bob
>Thanks! I appreciate that. :)
> -=-Yes, sure. There's more information about it here:
> http://www.parental-intelligence.com/howiparent.html
>
>
> Thanks, Bob. i added a link to your site on my page of links for dads.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/dads
>
>
>
> Sandra
>
Bob
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], "Tanya Ziegler" <tanyaz1@...>
wrote:
parent I would like to have had. In my first year or two of parenthood
in particular, one of the most helpful things I did when I was in
uncharted territory was to ask myself, if I was my daughter what would
I want me to do?
Bob
wrote:
>Me too. Definitely true for me that it's been more about being the
> >Heather wrote: I never felt more free from it until I became the
> parent I always wanted.
>
> >Sandra wrote: Some people say "become the parent you want to be" but
> I bet they often are thinking "become the parent you wanted to have."
>
> This gave me a lightbulb moment today. I have a hard time coming up
> with appropriate responses on the spot when my child is (or I am)
> having an intense moment. I don't have time to stop and actively
> think of the right thing to do in alignment with peaceful parenting
> (and, again, I have no model to go by of my own).
>
> But this comment "become the parent *I always wanted to have* is a
> much easier question to work on the spot. So, I thought about it
> today (yesterday, I guess) and used it a couple times when I needed to
> respond to my child at that moment. And, it worked! Instead of
> thinking, "now, what should I do that would be in the way of peaceful
> parenting?" (when my child is upset or I am getting frustrated, this
> is not a particularly creative moment for me). But when I asked
> myself, "how would I like to be parented" in this moment, an
> appropriate response (rather than a hasty reaction) is much easier to
> access.
>
> Thanks for that!
> Tanya
>
parent I would like to have had. In my first year or two of parenthood
in particular, one of the most helpful things I did when I was in
uncharted territory was to ask myself, if I was my daughter what would
I want me to do?
Bob
Nancy Wooton
On Mar 11, 2008, at 3:41 AM, Tanya Ziegler wrote:
;-)
Nancy
> To top itHow about "Mommie Dearest"?
> off, I'm worried about offending my mother by way of parenting
> differently. We have a pretty good relationship right now after years
> of healing, but the idea of homeschooling has brought up a little
> tension. I'm afraid she'll critic or criticize something in our
> parenting, and I'll react by saying something to the effect of "well,
> I don't want to parent the same way you did". Ugh! That puts my
> stomach in knots. Maybe I better go watch another movie <g>.
;-)
Nancy
Sandra Dodd
-=-But when I asked
myself, "how would I like to be parented" in this moment, an
appropriate response (rather than a hasty reaction) is much easier to
access.
-=-Thanks for that! -=-
You're welcome. I learned it from thinking of things I heard in
Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was healing for me when I did
things for Kirby that I wished had been done for me when I was a baby
(and then toddler, etc.)
My mom spanked babies. I saw her spank the boy she had when I was
19. He's very messed up now. That helped me too, to see how
horrible my mom could be, and that was her third baby, when she had
more experience!! When I was born she and my dad lived with my dad's
brother and his wife. The guys were working in Aiken, South Carolina
temporarily, and I was born in Augusta, Georgia. I talked to that
uncle a few years ago, and he said he was proud that I was a good
mom. He had been worried about me, he said, because when was a baby
my mom had no idea what to do, and would just look at me when I was
crying sometimes, baffled.
Between ACoA and La Leche League, I stayed aware that Kirby was
trying to communicate with me and he needed me, and that helped me
know what to do. I tried to communicate back with him wordlessly and
patiently, and that was all it took for us to learn to be a team.
From another aspect, it could be seen as an application of "Do unto
others as you would have them do unto you."
Lest anyone balk at my quoting from my own religious background, here:
"Every religion emphasizes human improvement, love, respect for
others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every
religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The
Dalai Lama
Versions of the Golden Rule in 21 world religions
www.religioustolerance.org/reciproc.htm
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
myself, "how would I like to be parented" in this moment, an
appropriate response (rather than a hasty reaction) is much easier to
access.
-=-Thanks for that! -=-
You're welcome. I learned it from thinking of things I heard in
Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was healing for me when I did
things for Kirby that I wished had been done for me when I was a baby
(and then toddler, etc.)
My mom spanked babies. I saw her spank the boy she had when I was
19. He's very messed up now. That helped me too, to see how
horrible my mom could be, and that was her third baby, when she had
more experience!! When I was born she and my dad lived with my dad's
brother and his wife. The guys were working in Aiken, South Carolina
temporarily, and I was born in Augusta, Georgia. I talked to that
uncle a few years ago, and he said he was proud that I was a good
mom. He had been worried about me, he said, because when was a baby
my mom had no idea what to do, and would just look at me when I was
crying sometimes, baffled.
Between ACoA and La Leche League, I stayed aware that Kirby was
trying to communicate with me and he needed me, and that helped me
know what to do. I tried to communicate back with him wordlessly and
patiently, and that was all it took for us to learn to be a team.
From another aspect, it could be seen as an application of "Do unto
others as you would have them do unto you."
Lest anyone balk at my quoting from my own religious background, here:
"Every religion emphasizes human improvement, love, respect for
others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every
religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The
Dalai Lama
Versions of the Golden Rule in 21 world religions
www.religioustolerance.org/reciproc.htm
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-With peaceful parenting, I feel like I need to study it, learn it,
practice-=-
Have you listened to the talk at the bottom of this page?
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
I think if parents learn to decide between two options, there's no
studying or learning. Just don't decide what to do without thinking
of two options and taking the better one. (I expect to see someone
trying to sell this idea for $35 soon, "Make the better choice." But
I can document to the hour when I had that idea and it changed my own
life, and my friends' lives, and made the SCA better all around me.
That was cool to see. And Kirby was a baby, so it helped me there,
too.)
-=-To top it off, I'm worried about offending my mother by way of
parenting differently. We have a pretty good relationship right now
after years of healing, but the idea of homeschooling has brought up
a little tension. I'm afraid she'll critic or criticize something in
our parenting, and I'll react by saying something to the effect of
"well, I don't want to parent the same way you did". Ugh! That puts
my stomach in knots. Maybe I better go watch another movie <g>. -=-
Maybe you could write that out to her, in a nice and artsy way and
send it, when you're not at all mad. You could tell her that you
don't want to stir up the past, and you don't want to offend her, but
that you also don't want to parent the way you were parented. You
could say you're sure she did the best she knew at the time, and now
you're going to do the best you know at this time.
Honest to God, I think longer life spans have created us a bunch of
problems. My husband is 51 and both his parents are living even
though his mom was nearly 40 when she had him, so he's walking on
eggshells (roughly, sometimes, I notice) when he himself is past the
age people might should naturally die. I love antibiotics and
surgery, don't get me wrong. I'd've been dead several times if not
for modern medicine. Still... My mom only died a few years ago,
putting the lie to "alcohol will kill you." She smoked and drank and
lived to 70 or something (really, I don't remember numbers, so I
don't know exactly, but Holly would. She's asleep.)
So maybe be appreciative of the fact that your mom's still alive
without pussy-footing around her as you raise your own children.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
practice-=-
Have you listened to the talk at the bottom of this page?
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
I think if parents learn to decide between two options, there's no
studying or learning. Just don't decide what to do without thinking
of two options and taking the better one. (I expect to see someone
trying to sell this idea for $35 soon, "Make the better choice." But
I can document to the hour when I had that idea and it changed my own
life, and my friends' lives, and made the SCA better all around me.
That was cool to see. And Kirby was a baby, so it helped me there,
too.)
-=-To top it off, I'm worried about offending my mother by way of
parenting differently. We have a pretty good relationship right now
after years of healing, but the idea of homeschooling has brought up
a little tension. I'm afraid she'll critic or criticize something in
our parenting, and I'll react by saying something to the effect of
"well, I don't want to parent the same way you did". Ugh! That puts
my stomach in knots. Maybe I better go watch another movie <g>. -=-
Maybe you could write that out to her, in a nice and artsy way and
send it, when you're not at all mad. You could tell her that you
don't want to stir up the past, and you don't want to offend her, but
that you also don't want to parent the way you were parented. You
could say you're sure she did the best she knew at the time, and now
you're going to do the best you know at this time.
Honest to God, I think longer life spans have created us a bunch of
problems. My husband is 51 and both his parents are living even
though his mom was nearly 40 when she had him, so he's walking on
eggshells (roughly, sometimes, I notice) when he himself is past the
age people might should naturally die. I love antibiotics and
surgery, don't get me wrong. I'd've been dead several times if not
for modern medicine. Still... My mom only died a few years ago,
putting the lie to "alcohol will kill you." She smoked and drank and
lived to 70 or something (really, I don't remember numbers, so I
don't know exactly, but Holly would. She's asleep.)
So maybe be appreciative of the fact that your mom's still alive
without pussy-footing around her as you raise your own children.
Sandra
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