Mamachaos

My family has just moved 1 1/2 hours away from the old house. We too, are driving back and forth o keep up the friendships with our other homeschooled friends. Yuck! My 8 yr old ds is very much content with hanging at home with his 5 yr old brother, doing very little (or a whole lot depending on how you look at things) and I am feeling a bit at a loss. Having HOMEschooled before and just finding my way over to the unschooling benefits of life, this is hard for me. All of the exposure to life-I guess it all comes in time.

As well, my 13 year old has chosen to attend a private Montessori Middle-high school. My unschooling/homeschooling mind has a very hard time with the homework that is expected of him. He won't really complete it on his own, it's all so new to him, so we sit with him and do it, but it's when we "have" to remind him to get off of WOW and do the work for the next day.....over and over and over again. Today, we had to get him up early to complete work that he had decided not to do last night, instead playing WOW, watching IDOL, etc. All good, BUT the way we see it is that he as made a decision, we support it, we pay for it, we help him with it....but there are high expectations and he must comply to a certain extent in order to be allowed to stay in the school, which he very much does want to. "He is behind, he is too "social" (joke that they think this age group can do nothing all day but this busiwork without socializing!), and he does "need" to work harder to stay at par in order to be in the class." I know, GASP!!!!!!!!!!

We absolutely hate the entire drama that is unfolding, and are trying to straddle it with our normal home philosophy, but what to do when his own actions, left by themselves will not aide him in his desires? Without us pushing, reminding, nagging, frankly demanding him to do work, it won't get done. And we have talks all the time about "If you want to be at the school, these are the requirements.......homework, attention in class, homework, attention in class. If you don't want to do those things, you don't have to attend the school either" He says that he gets "it" and indeed he wants to be there. His reasons for being there are totally social. My fault, as for all the years homeschooling, I really never found enough local kids that also were are home. They were either radical christian educators, or too far away, or I was too tired of trying to find the perfect fit! And I was a waldorf homeschooler--a la rigid--for a long time. I could cry at the absurdity of the years I tried to push the curriculum onto him....so going to school really isn't that much different for him! ............though it would be NOW.........

I am trying to find some teens that unschool locally and hook up with them in the afternoons or weekends so he can see that he has options: that the downward spiraling of his self-esteem does not need to go that way, that he does not need to be watched and controlled at every minute at school and lectured TO all day about things he does not have ANY interest in (save history---he just loves this class!)

I don't even know the proper question I am asking here, just venting I guess and looking for a "good idea" to help us along. It is very hard for my husband to tolerate it at all. I have said that Look--this is what he wants, we must support him whole-heartedly. My DH says that the damage may indeed outweigh the benefits to him. Yes, but again, it is his choice. He wants to go to school, to "be normal, be with kids ALL day". He doesn't try to interact much with his brothers when he is at home, hasn't in a year or more. He really is trying to find a tribe, and I understand that drive. He in on the running club etc, he is really trying to steep himself in this place. So, now I feel like I restrict his freedom for the sake of.......his choices?

Kelley In Fl

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Sandra Dodd

-=-I am trying to find some teens that unschool locally and hook up
with them in the afternoons or weekends so he can see that he has
options...-=-

Instead of looking for unschoolers, find clubs and activities or
sports or classes. Don't look for unschoolers. Look for real people
who are interesting to him. Gaming shop, rock shop, hiking club,
photography lessons, music something-or-other. He could volunteer at
a food bank or red cross center. He could volunteer at a museum or
the library. He could get a job soon, or do yard-cleaning jobs or...

Unschooling should be more about finding activities in the world, not
isolating oneself with other unschoolers.

-=-it's all so new to him, so we sit with him and do it, but it's
when we "have" to remind him to get off of WOW and do the work for
the next day.....over and over and over again.-=-

You're choosing to.

For one thing, there is no such thing as a Montessori middle school
or high school, really. They've made a stretch and it's not a
stretch that's going to fit. If they're learning from homework
instead of real life, hands-on (or at least simulated hands on
stuff), what's so Montessori about it?

If you paid a lot for it, that will be a bummer if they put him out,
but you don't have to remind him over and over and over anything. If
he's sending you a clear signal that he doesn't want to do it, you
could let natural consequences unfold. Let him get in trouble at
school and do his work because of that, not because of you.

http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
Maybe you've already seen that, but it's the best I can do.

Two quotes:
-=-Yuck!-=-
-=-We absolutely hate the entire drama that is unfolding-=-

This negativity isn't good. Find the good angles and SEE them,
appreciate them.

Sandra

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carnationsgalore

> So, now I feel like I restrict his freedom for the sake of.......
> his choices?
> Kelley In Fl

What are his goals for being in school? What did he want to get out
of the experience? If he just wanted to be with kids all day, then
he's getting what he wanted. It doesn't sound like he chose to go
to school for the work and the grades. You are imposing that
structure on him. Oh sure, the school *wants* him to do those
things. They'll give him a bad grade if he doesn't conform. What
would be the consequence of such action or inaction? Does his
grades bother you? Why? Because you're paying for them? So would
you feel better if he were in public school not doing his work since
you wouldn't be paying for the experience? Or are you perhaps
feeling hung up on the idea that school *must* be done a certain way?

I have a dd15 in public school 10th grade. She's been in school all
her life. We changed the custody situation when she was entering
high school. She gets pressure from her dad and stepmom, but not
from me. I help her when she needs me like taking her to the store
to get stuff for a project, and reminding her about the time when
she's asked me to do so because she has studying to do. Sometimes
she chooses not to do homework assignments or not study for a test.
Her grades reflect that she's not on top of the work 100%. She's
learning to be okay with that after living with parents who would
wig out at a 'B' grade and insist she work harder to get that 'A!'.
We discuss consequences of action and inaction. She knows if she
fails the classes, she won't get credit for them and will have to
repeat them. It won't help her reach her goal of earning a high
school diploma.

I think you should ask your son what his goals are for being in
school. If you're okay with him being out of school and not earning
a diploma, why are you not okay with him being in school and not
making good grades? Do you worry that his grades might be a
reflection of your parenting? I read somewhere (so many books
lately that I can't remember exactly where) that we can distance
ourselves from our children to understand that their actions or
behaviors are not a way of making our parenting look good or bad.
Or something like that. Maybe someone will know what I'm talking
about and can explain further. :)

Beth M.

ron_monach

Thank you for this advice. We do not care about his grades. I have
no attachment to grades and never have...they mean nothing. But his
teachers and the dean have been clear that he is straddeling the
fence and without keeping up with the requirements, he will not be
allowed to continue to attend. He WANTS to attend. So, I am trying
to help him fit into the parameters given. I understand the
suggestion about having him suffer his own consequences, but I also
know that this is like throwing him into the lake without knowing
how to swim......he wants to play in the lake with his peers, but
needs some swimming lessons. So we are trying to help him out on
that end of things.

INdeed, your advice about clubs, activities that he enjoys VS
home/unschoolers specifically are right on, except my reason for
looking for kids who might be available during the daytime hours is
that I think he goes to school to be with kids during those daytime
hours, and wants to fit "in", and has all that teenage angst about
being part of a tribe--regularly. I will shift my focus as you have
smartly suggested!! He has interest in so many things, so it will
be easy to do.

I do not have any concern over the money spent on sending him to
this school. It is a lot though, and my thought (MY thoughts) are
that with even half the money available to him in a year, could he
not travel, skim with a team, take guitar lessons, skateboard at
different parks, buy more ITUNES.....whatever. When I bring up
alternatives to him, he has said it sounds like I don't want him to
go to the school. I have said that I don't have an attachment one
way or another, I just have not seen that the pros are outweighing
the cons for him, and as his mom I wonder if there aren't some other
choices he could look at.

of course there are layers upon layers of history and thoughts. I
have been reading here for many months and have gleaned quite a bit
from the wisdom that each person chooses to give freely. Thank
you. I will continue to digest each day!
Kelley


I --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
>
> -=-I am trying to find some teens that unschool locally and hook
up
> with them in the afternoons or weekends so he can see that he has
> options...-=-
>
> Instead of looking for unschoolers, find clubs and activities or
> sports or classes. Don't look for unschoolers. Look for real
people
> who are interesting to him. Gaming shop, rock shop, hiking
club,
> photography lessons, music something-or-other. He could volunteer
at
> a food bank or red cross center. He could volunteer at a museum
or
> the library. He could get a job soon, or do yard-cleaning jobs
or...
>
> Unschooling should be more about finding activities in the world,
not
> isolating oneself with other unschoolers.
>
> -=-it's all so new to him, so we sit with him and do it, but it's
> when we "have" to remind him to get off of WOW and do the work
for
> the next day.....over and over and over again.-=-
>
> You're choosing to.
>
> For one thing, there is no such thing as a Montessori middle
school
> or high school, really. They've made a stretch and it's not a
> stretch that's going to fit. If they're learning from homework
> instead of real life, hands-on (or at least simulated hands on
> stuff), what's so Montessori about it?
>
> If you paid a lot for it, that will be a bummer if they put him
out,
> but you don't have to remind him over and over and over anything.
If
> he's sending you a clear signal that he doesn't want to do it,
you
> could let natural consequences unfold. Let him get in trouble at
> school and do his work because of that, not because of you.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
> Maybe you've already seen that, but it's the best I can do.
>
> Two quotes:
> -=-Yuck!-=-
> -=-We absolutely hate the entire drama that is unfolding-=-
>
> This negativity isn't good. Find the good angles and SEE them,
> appreciate them.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-he wants to play in the lake with his peers, but needs some
swimming lessons-=-

I think the best swimmer of my three kids is Holly, the one who never
had swimming lessons.

-=-But his
teachers and the dean have been clear that he is straddeling the
fence and without keeping up with the requirements, he will not be
allowed to continue to attend. He WANTS to attend. So, I am trying
to help him fit into the parameters given. I understand the
suggestion about having him suffer his own consequences, but I also
know that this is like throwing him into the lake without knowing
how to swim.....-=-

You say he wants to attend. You say he doesn't want to do homework.

I think you might mean he wants to attend without doing homework.
How much time and energy will you spend carrying him to and through
his homework instead of helping him clarify what he wants and what
he needs to do to get that?

What about asking the teachers and the dean to let him straddle the
fence? Do they have a long waiting list? If so it would be wrong
for them to let him fart around. If they don't have a long waiting
list, who does it hurt? (Their stats, maybe, but maybe they consider
him to be "auditing" and not competing for grades, and so not average
him in.)



Sandra




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