graberamy

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

This weekend my dd 10 and I went to Chicago for a cheerleading event
she was in. Hubby and ds 8 stayed home. We left on Thursday so I
made arrangements for ds to stay at my MIL's house while hubby was at
work.

I have had issues w/ MIL before calling my hubby and saying things
about homeschooling but I always assumed she would not say or do
anything to the children. I know, my mistake.

DS 8 is not reading yet, and apparently she was having him write and
drilling him on his ABC's. He went along with this because I am sure
he was trying to make his grandparents happy. MIL called my hubby the
next day and told him how concerned she was and that he can't even
write his last name and that maybe he's dyslexic. Hubby pretty much
just heard her out and told her we weren't worried and hung up (that
pretty much sums up hubby and her relationship).

I had also bought tickets to a play for the 3 of them (ds, mil and
fil) but they decided not to take him. I had asked if they would take
him at least a month a go and would have made other arrangements if
they didn't want to. She's a control freak and again, it was my
mistake for leaving him there.

What my question is for this list, is what would you say to ds?? I
told him that I was sorry they did that and I would not leave him
there w/out one of us again. I told him that people read at different
times and that he is starting to read and that it will just click.

I just don't want him to feel like he's not smart (I don't know if he
does feel like this). But hubby said he was spent Thursday night,
crying at his b-ball game saying it was cause he missed me (this isn't
how he would normally react).

Today MIL sent me an email telling me how wonderful ds is and how good
he makes her feel. I'd like to respond how glad I am for her and does
she know she makes him feel like crap?? Of course she didn't mention
her "concerns" to me, but then again she never does.

Also this did place a twing of doubt in hubby's mind, for the reason
that he doesn't want ds to feel less than because he's not reading. I
think I've smoothed that out, but I tried to click on a link Sandra
had posted on multiple intelligences but it didn't work. I'd like to
try that again!

Mainly my concern is saying/doing the right thing for my son. I will
never leave ds with them again, and I know I probably can't change
them. So, should I even bother saying anything to her?

Thanks in advance for the advice,
amy in iowa

MrsStranahan

Here - http://sandradodd.com/intelligences/


On Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 2:04 PM, graberamy <graber@...> wrote:

> think I've smoothed that out, but I tried to click on a link Sandra
> had posted on multiple intelligences but it didn't work. I'd like to
> try that again!
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-What my question is for this list, is what would you say to ds?? I
told him that I was sorry they did that and I would not leave him
there w/out one of us again. I told him that people read at different
times and that he is starting to read and that it will just click.-=-

I would have a conversation and ask him if he knows why grandma would
be that way. It will help if he has a chance to understand her side
of it.

Partly, you're rejecting the way she raised your husband. She can't
help but feel that IF you're right she wasted time and wasn't as nice
as she might have been to her own son. It would be easier and more
comfortable for her if you would do as she did.

Partly, she's honestly worried because she believes that once off the
assembly line, one will never catch up. That does happen at school,
because school is all about sorting and grading and separating. She
can't really understand unschooling yet and maybe she never will.

This is the most disturbing thing, and I would address it in writing
if it were me:

-=-I had also bought tickets to a play for the 3 of them (ds, mil and
fil) but they decided not to take him. I had asked if they would take
him at least a month a go and would have made other arrangements if
they didn't want to.-=-

Several things: Loss of opportunity for your son, loss of faith in
his mother's assurance that she has arranged something for him, loss
of faith in the grandparents keeping their word, and waste of the
price of three tickets.

That's not cool for ANYBODY to do.

-=-Today MIL sent me an email telling me how wonderful ds is and how
good

he makes her feel. I'd like to respond how glad I am for her and does
she know she makes him feel like crap?? -=-

That's not a bad idea to append to the questions about the play. I
might say something like that I think my son's great too, and I hope
the next time he visits her she'll be kinder to him.



I've had problems with my in-laws. They've been better in the past
few years, but that's a few years out of 30.

Sandra





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-I tried to click on a link Sandra
had posted on multiple intelligences but it didn't work. I'd like to
try that again!-=-

I'm really sorry about that.



http://sandradodd.com/intelligences



I left the "s" off the end last time, I think.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn L. Coburn

One of the things that I have found useful in the course of reviewing a
problematic situtation is to ask Jayn if she wants me to "say something" to
the people who have bothered her. Sometimes she does and she has a good
suggestion.

I agree with Sandra about the failure to fulfil an obligation that they
apparently had agreed to, being an issue worth mentioning. I wonder if it
would be better coming from your dh than from you. We have a kind of
unspoken agreement here, he speaks to his mom when she questions our
unschooling, and I deal with misunderstandings on the part of my stepfather
(who knows zip about children since I was 18 when he married my mother.)

It's been a while since I wrote about this, but I just remembered and it
might be useful to you.

When my mother was alive, she was pretty vocal in her massive ignorance
about just about everything to do with attachment parenting, breast feeding
and education. It was tempting to send her everything I could find for her
to read. However I found what was useful was to send her information from
the kind of conservative sources that she was more likely to respect. For
example an article by Dr. Brazelton was much more likely to be read and
accepted by her than the *very same information* written up in Mothering
Magazine.

Perhaps you MIL would respect information from reputable (in her eyes)
academic sources about multiple intelligences, child development, and
alternative education including deliberately delaying academics. I am
thinking of some carefully chosen snippets by writers familiar to mainstream
audiences such as Piaget or even Montessori.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com

<<<<< > Today MIL sent me an email telling me how wonderful ds is and how
good
> he makes her feel. I'd like to respond how glad I am for her and does
> she know she makes him feel like crap?? Of course she didn't mention
> her "concerns" to me, but then again she never does. >>>>

graberamy

I would have a conversation and ask him if he knows why grandma would
> be that way. It will help if he has a chance to understand her side
> of it.

This is GREAT...thank you. I would have never thought of doing this
because I am normally so irritated with her. She's tried to manipulate
us since I met her 16 years ago. I should say, she tries to manipulate
me because dh has not any real communication with her since he was 4 or
5...really. He learned her tactics very early on, and he just shuts
down on her. But I honestly believe(d) she was trying to better with
her grandkids. I do know that she really does love them and is really
trying.

This is the most disturbing thing, and I would address it in writing
> if it were me:
>
> -=-I had also bought tickets to a play for the 3 of them (ds, mil and
> fil) but they decided not to take him. I had asked if they would take
> him at least a month a go and would have made other arrangements if
> they didn't want to.-=-
>
> Several things: Loss of opportunity for your son, loss of faith in
> his mother's assurance that she has arranged something for him, loss
> of faith in the grandparents keeping their word, and waste of the
> price of three tickets.

I will do this, and I appreciate the advice. I thought maybe I was
making a bigger deal out of it than I should because I sometimes think
with our history that I have a knee jerk reaction. I realize this is
just her way to control things.

I also realize that a conversation with her won't change her but it is
really about protecting my children and letting her know that I won't
stand by and let her try to manipulate them.


> Partly, you're rejecting the way she raised your husband. She can't
> help but feel that IF you're right she wasted time and wasn't as nice
> as she might have been to her own son. It would be easier and more
> comfortable for her if you would do as she did.

You're good...really good. Yes, I am rejecting the way she raised my
hubby (heck, I'm angry about it...cause he is just wonderful!!)!! When
we were over there for dinner a couple weeks ago she grabbed his face to
force him to look at her...unbelievable I know.

I really appreciate the advice, it really has helped, thank you.

amy in iowa
-
>




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

graberamy

Yes, it probably would be better coming from hubby over me, but I know
that won't happen. He gave up on trying to have an open relationship a
long time a go. He wishes he wouldn't have answered the phone and
would rather ignore her. I also think hubby thinks that our kids have
such little interaction with them that she won't have an affect on them.

DH probably should have said something when she called him to tell him
her "concerns", but instead he just said "is that it?" "Goodbye." I
know he got his point across, which is probably why she wrote me such
a nice email, telling me how wonderful ds is. I feel that I have an
opportunity to respond with out it seeming like an attack.

I like your idea of sending a link to her. I will do some research
and find one. Thanks a lot!

amy in iowa
who wishes she lived somewhere warmer right now!!


--- In [email protected], "Robyn L. Coburn" <dezigna@...>
wrote:
>
> One of the things that I have found useful in the course of reviewing a
> problematic situtation is to ask Jayn if she wants me to "say
something" to
> the people who have bothered her. Sometimes she does and she has a good
> suggestion.
>
> I agree with Sandra about the failure to fulfil an obligation that they
> apparently had agreed to, being an issue worth mentioning. I wonder
if it
> would be better coming from your dh than from you. We have a kind of
> unspoken agreement here, he speaks to his mom when she questions our
> unschooling, and I deal with misunderstandings on the part of my
stepfather
> (who knows zip about children since I was 18 when he married my mother.)
>
> It's been a while since I wrote about this, but I just remembered
and it
> might be useful to you.
>
> When my mother was alive, she was pretty vocal in her massive ignorance
> about just about everything to do with attachment parenting, breast
feeding
> and education. It was tempting to send her everything I could find
for her
> to read. However I found what was useful was to send her information
from
> the kind of conservative sources that she was more likely to
respect. For
> example an article by Dr. Brazelton was much more likely to be read and
> accepted by her than the *very same information* written up in
Mothering
> Magazine.
>
> Perhaps you MIL would respect information from reputable (in her eyes)
> academic sources about multiple intelligences, child development, and
> alternative education including deliberately delaying academics. I am
> thinking of some carefully chosen snippets by writers familiar to
mainstream
> audiences such as Piaget or even Montessori.
>
> Robyn L. Coburn
> www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
> www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
>
> <<<<< > Today MIL sent me an email telling me how wonderful ds is
and how
> good
> > he makes her feel. I'd like to respond how glad I am for her and does
> > she know she makes him feel like crap?? Of course she didn't mention
> > her "concerns" to me, but then again she never does. >>>>
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-Yes, I am rejecting the way she raised my
hubby (heck, I'm angry about it...cause he is just wonderful!!)!! When
we were over there for dinner a couple weeks ago she grabbed his face to
force him to look at her...unbelievable I know.-=-



I took in audible gaspy breath I nearly choked on the grabbing his
face thing.

Partly, I think, because I have the relapse of a flu that causes
weird dreams. In my whole life I've never had a flu that caused
dreams. Fevers that caused dreams, yes, but this is interesting. I
called my husband this morning already to tell him. I dreamed I
slapped someone who's been ragging on me for most of 30 years. Not
my mother-in-law. <g> A female former friend who's still in and
around my life and still occasionally makes a snarky comment. I
dreamed she came up to me, grabbed my arm to turn me around to face
her (instead of speaking so I would know she was there) and that I
slapped her. I was holding something in my right hand and I slapped
her with the left, and part of the dream was about feeling awful that
I had done it, but thinking if I was going to slap her I should've
done it better, and thinking maybe backhanding her would've been more
efficient.

WEIRD dream, for me. I've hardly ever slapped anyone even jokingly
(so I'm not very good at it, which is probably best for everyone).

When I read the top paragraph in Amy's post, I was thinking of Keith
and his mom. I feel exactly this way:

-=-Yes, I am rejecting the way she raised my
hubby (heck, I'm angry about it...cause he is just wonderful!!)!! -=-

Keith is THE BEST of his three brothers, but he was always treated
like a baby, like a bad boy, disparaged. When he wanted to go to
medical school when he was 30 his mom laughed at him, so he didn't
even apply. He's responsible, kind, a great dad, and they don't care.

Then with the vision of Keith and his mom in my mind I saw the bit
about grabbing his face. Eeek! Keith's mom's about 5'1 and Keith's
6'1" and has a big beard. Just the vision made me think of
slapping someone AGAIN! That thought twice in one day!? I better
stay home today and breathe. <bwg>

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Yes, it probably would be better coming from hubby over me, but I
know
that won't happen. He gave up on trying to have an open relationship a
long time a go.-=-



You might add that to your letter to her. I would do an in-writing,
printed out (or photocopy if you hand write it) paper letter. KEEP A
COPY, maybe more than one. Put them in your kids' souvenir boxes. <g>



The advantages of a copy are (at least) that you can review it to see
if there's been progress over a few years, that you can't be
misquoted without being able to defend yourself (like if another
relative says "I heard you said X," you can send them a copy), and
she can read it twice, and again next year.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

graberamy

> I had done it, but thinking if I was going to slap her I should've
> done it better, and thinking maybe backhanding her would've been more
> efficient.

I haven't had the slapping dream in awhile but I've had it before. It
seems in my dream I never have the strength to hit like I would like. I
should preface this with I am NOT a violent person and don't think I've
ever really hit anyone (except once in 4th grade...self defense). But
in my dreams I'm usually protecting myself or a loved one and I never
have the strength to even lift my arm up or actually swing. It probably
means something subconscious like I feel I'm losing control or
something?????

> Keith is THE BEST of his three brothers, but he was always treated
> like a baby, like a bad boy, disparaged. When he wanted to go to
> medical school when he was 30 his mom laughed at him, so he didn't
> even apply. He's responsible, kind, a great dad, and they don't
care.

Mark (hubby) is also the BEST of 3 boys!! Middle boy. He is the
sweetest dad and hubby too and has always been very self reliant.
Started working as soon as he could so he could have freedom. I often
wonder if she resented that he never "needed" her.

I think unschooling our kids has been such a refreshing way of life for
hubby. I don't think he realized that a parent/child relationship could
be one of such love and respect. Verses a life of control.

Thanks again,
amy in iowa
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-Yes, I am rejecting the way she raised my
> hubby (heck, I'm angry about it...cause he is just wonderful!!)!! When
> we were over there for dinner a couple weeks ago she grabbed his face
to
> force him to look at her...unbelievable I know.-=-
>
>
>
> I took in audible gaspy breath I nearly choked on the grabbing his
> face thing.
>
> Partly, I think, because I have the relapse of a flu that causes
> weird dreams. In my whole life I've never had a flu that caused
> dreams. Fevers that caused dreams, yes, but this is interesting. I
> called my husband this morning already to tell him. I dreamed I
> slapped someone who's been ragging on me for most of 30 years. Not
> my mother-in-law. <g> A female former friend who's still in and
> around my life and still occasionally makes a snarky comment. I
> dreamed she came up to me, grabbed my arm to turn me around to face
> her (instead of speaking so I would know she was there) and that I
> slapped her. I was holding something in my right hand and I slapped
> her with the left, and part of the dream was about feeling awful that
> I had done it, but thinking if I was going to slap her I should've
> done it better, and thinking maybe backhanding her would've been more
> efficient.
>
> WEIRD dream, for me. I've hardly ever slapped anyone even jokingly
> (so I'm not very good at it, which is probably best for everyone).
>
> When I read the top paragraph in Amy's post, I was thinking of Keith
> and his mom. I feel exactly this way:
>
> -=-Yes, I am rejecting the way she raised my
> hubby (heck, I'm angry about it...cause he is just wonderful!!)!! -=-
>

> Then with the vision of Keith and his mom in my mind I saw the bit
> about grabbing his face. Eeek! Keith's mom's about 5'1 and Keith's
> 6'1" and has a big beard. Just the vision made me think of
> slapping someone AGAIN! That thought twice in one day!? I better
> stay home today and breathe. <bwg>
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-But
in my dreams I'm usually protecting myself or a loved one and I never
have the strength to even lift my arm up or actually swing. It probably
means something subconscious like I feel I'm losing control or
something?????-=-

In mine, the feeling was I shouldn't have done it at all, with a long
overlying analysis through the rest of the dream that if I had done
it at all I wish it had been a BIG one.

The feeling was that I wish I had taken an extra part of a second to
either plan a great slap (I'm not a very physical person) or to
decide not to slap her at all.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]