halfshadow1

I have cross-posted this to my fav. groups because i value you all and
the more tools i get the better.
We have a neighbor who is nice to us but throws out comments to Lukas
and whenever i say something the guy talks over me or ignores me.
Like, the other day we were walking down the road while the guy was
parking and we met up at his truck when he was getting out of it and
i thought he would just say hi but he said to Lukas: who's this little
girl? AHAA..so friggin funny,really! I'm thinking what kind of adult
makes fun of little kids? He's always pushing Lukas to talk to him,
saying:he'll get used to me as he ages. I'm thinking yeah,keep teasing
him and he'll really like you!
Another time Lukas fell and was crying loud. when he felt good
enough to walk home the jerk heard it all and came walking up to us
making a crying sound saying: wahhh, i got a boo boo!
Like, i said this guy doesn't hear me defend Lukas or care and soon
i will say SHUT the F**K up!! to him. We don't/can't walk the other
way because there's a main road down there, Lukas likes to play in the
ditches,other neighbors swing and so on. Is the only way to be clear
with this guy is to rude back?
My husband will not have a talk with him. His reasoning is the jerk
will tell the other guy,other guy will tell other neighbor and dh says
we'll be thought of like A**holes. My dh says to walk the other way or
if i decide to go the same way, I'm putting myself/Lukas out there for
whatever and just ignore the guy. It did bother Lukas when the guy
commented about his long hair. Am i too sensitive?

Kathleen Gehrke

I think lots of times guys like these are trying in their twisted
ways to be, you know ,friendly. I think you should go over and have a
talk with him yourself. Or maybe bake him some cookies and write him
a note telling him the teasing is not something that your family uses
and you find it very hurtful. Let him know that YOU would prefer if
it stopped now.

If it continues tell him to shut the F### Up... But my guy feeling is
he is a good old boy trying to be friendly and he means no harm.

Good Luck,

Kathleen

--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1"
<halfshadow1@...> wrote:
>
> I have cross-posted this to my fav. groups because i value you all
and
> the more tools i get the better.
> We have a neighbor who is nice to us but throws out comments to
Lukas
> and whenever i say something the guy talks over me or ignores me.
> Like, the other day we were walking down the road while the guy was
> parking and we met up at his truck when he was getting out of it and
> i thought he would just say hi but he said to Lukas: who's this
little
> girl? AHAA..so friggin funny,really! I'm thinking what kind of adult
> makes fun of little kids? He's always pushing Lukas to talk to him,
> saying:he'll get used to me as he ages. I'm thinking yeah,keep
teasing
> him and he'll really like you!
> Another time Lukas fell and was crying loud. when he felt good
> enough to walk home the jerk heard it all and came walking up to us
> making a crying sound saying: wahhh, i got a boo boo!
> Like, i said this guy doesn't hear me defend Lukas or care and soon
> i will say SHUT the F**K up!! to him. We don't/can't walk the other
> way because there's a main road down there, Lukas likes to play in
the
> ditches,other neighbors swing and so on. Is the only way to be clear
> with this guy is to rude back?
> My husband will not have a talk with him. His reasoning is the jerk
> will tell the other guy,other guy will tell other neighbor and dh
says
> we'll be thought of like A**holes. My dh says to walk the other way
or
> if i decide to go the same way, I'm putting myself/Lukas out there
for
> whatever and just ignore the guy. It did bother Lukas when the guy
> commented about his long hair. Am i too sensitive?
>

marji

At 19:46 2/6/2008, you wrote:
>Like, i said this guy doesn't hear me defend Lukas or care and soon
>i will say SHUT the F**K up!! to him. We don't/can't walk the other
>way because there's a main road down there, Lukas likes to play in the
>ditches,other neighbors swing and so on. Is the only way to be clear
>with this guy is to rude back?

I forget how old Lukas is, and I don't know what you should do, but I
do know what I would do. For me, being rude back would just not
work, because that's not who I am, and that's not who I want to be; I
couldn't and wouldn't want to pull that off.

What I would do is point out to my son that sometimes folks will put
other people down to build themselves up. Folks who need to do that
generally don't feel too good about themselves, and that's why they
do it. That's pretty sad. I would help my son see that it's not
about long hair or anything that is wrong with my son but it's *that*
guy's messed up view of himself that is probably the root of his rudeness.

While honoring and helping my son deal with his hurt feelings, I
would also be transparent for my son about my holding compassion and
forgiveness in my heart for this jerk. (What I wouldn't do is tell
my son that he should do that, too, unless he asked me specifically
what I thought he should do, and even then, I would help him figure
out his own way, which never, ever has to be my way.)

It would be interesting, too, almost like an experiment, to see if
this unspoken compassion I felt in my heart had any effect on that
guy, too. It would be interesting to see if he stopped showing up in
our lives or just ignored us as we walked by.

In fact, my husband, Jimmy, actually had that experience with
someone. There was a guy who ran the local recycling center, and he
was *always* busting Jimmy's chops and my son's chops, too. It was
annoying and confounding. Eventually, Jimmy changed the way he was
feeling in his heart, and I swear that guy never even noticed Jimmy
and Liam after that. The change in this guy was abrupt! It was
quite weird and very cool!!

That's what I'd do. :-)

~Marji



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-My dh says to walk the other way or
if i decide to go the same way, I'm putting myself/Lukas out there for
whatever and just ignore the guy. It did bother Lukas when the guy
commented about his long hair. -=-

He's not out there 24 hours a day. Figure out his schedule and avoid
him.

-=-Am i too sensitive? -=-

Too controlling, maybe.

You seem to want to be able to change the neighbor. I like Marji's
suggestion.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-If you are really uncomfortable with this man's behavior, call the
police and tell them that this man is harrassing your child and you
would talk to him yourself, but are worried about retaliation and that
he scares you.-=-



I wouldn't do that if there hasn't been a threat or physical
contact. It's not illegal to talk to people.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jenstarc4

If you are really uncomfortable with this man's behavior, call the
police and tell them that this man is harrassing your child and you
would talk to him yourself, but are worried about retaliation and that
he scares you.

We had a similar situation in our neighborhood. The man kept
threatening the kids in the area, whenever the parents weren't around.
I called the police after one particular incident of him threatening my
child and her friends, when they weren't doing anything except sitting
on the curb in the cul-de-sac, not in front of his house.

He never went near any of the kids again and finally moved out of the
neighborhood, hopefully to one without any children!

Of course that may be too drastic in this situation, but maybe not. He
sounds like a mean person, and your husband is right, stay away from
him and avoid him at all cost.

jenstarc4

>
>
> I wouldn't do that if there hasn't been a threat or physical
> contact. It's not illegal to talk to people.
>
>
>
> Sandra
>
>
yes, I know. I'm thinking that I don't know the man and I've
experienced a similar situation where, the best recourse was calling
the police because of this particular individual. I was projecting
that onto the situation.

Sometimes people are just rough around the edges and sometimes they are
bad people. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference. It's a gut
instinct for sure. I was following the gut instinct of my child and my
own at the time and both of us had that yuck yuck bad guy alert feeling.

Barbara Mullins

> i thought he would just say hi but he said to Lukas: who's this little
> girl? AHAA..so friggin funny,really! I'm thinking what kind of adult
> makes fun of little kids? He's always pushing Lukas to talk to him,
> saying:he'll get used to me as he ages. I'm thinking yeah,keep teasing
> him and he'll really like you!
> Another time Lukas fell and was crying loud. when he felt good
> enough to walk home the jerk heard it all and came walking up to us
> making a crying sound saying: wahhh, i got a boo boo!
> Like, i said this guy doesn't hear me defend Lukas or care and soon
> i will say SHUT the F**K up!! to him. We don't/can't walk the other
> way because there's a main road down there, Lukas likes to play in the
> ditches,other neighbors swing and so on. Is the only way to be clear
> with this guy is to rude back?

To me it sounds like this guy is jealous. Or he's perhaps repeating
only what he was told when he was younger. Obviously I can't know the
whole situation. My son loved long hair when he was younger so I had a
talk with him about how sometimes he would probably be mistaken for a
girl and ways he could deal with it and people if they did tease him.
He was honestly mistaken for a girl many times and with people he
wanted to know he would tell them something like: I'm a boy but I like
my hair long and if it was an old lady in a grocery store he usually
just smiled at her because he realized it didn't really matter. It's
weird how he can just let other people's offhand statements roll over
him with no ill affect and I yet sometimes stew in them...

The guy saying "wahh I got a boo boo" does so sound like jealously
IMO from what you said. He perhaps wanted you to kiss it and make it
all better for him? I wouldn't be rude to him but if it continued I
probably wouldn't ignore him either, probably ask him why he said what
he did. He probably does think in his own weird way he is being
friendly and might not understand he's offending you. Some people
don't realize there is more than one way to parent just like some
don't realize there is more than one way to school.

Best Wishes - Barbara (in Missouri)

Sandra Dodd

-=-He probably does think in his own weird way he is being
friendly and might not understand he's offending you.-=-

Yes. He might be mean and he might be mentally deficient, but in
either case and in any case, combacks probably will have no affect
except to give him more ammunition.



I've been reading about moral insanity this week. It was a concept
in the 19th century that turned into "sociopathic personality" and
then "anti-social tendencies (variously termed), but when Charles
Guiteau, who assassintaed President Garfield, was on trial in 1881,
they said he was morally insane, but another psychiatrist preferred
to refer to him as a moral imbecile.



Perhaps your neighbor is a moral imbecile. I wouldn't tell him so,
though.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

halfshadow1

LOL...that's funny. I think i will try that compassion idea. I think
the guy, like many men think a boy has to not cry,be tough, that sort
of thing. Should look like a boy, talk like a boy and so on. It could
also be where i live, in the south. I was born on Long Island and
moved here when i was 28yo. I finished my flight school and what
struck me was how far behind some are here concerning women,very
sexist and how they act.--- In [email protected], Sandra
Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-He probably does think in his own weird way he is being
> friendly and might not understand he's offending you.-=-
>
> Yes. He might be mean and he might be mentally deficient, but in
> either case and in any case, combacks probably will have no affect
> except to give him more ammunition.
>
>
>
> I've been reading about moral insanity this week. It was a concept
> in the 19th century that turned into "sociopathic personality" and
> then "anti-social tendencies (variously termed), but when Charles
> Guiteau, who assassintaed President Garfield, was on trial in 1881,
> they said he was morally insane, but another psychiatrist preferred
> to refer to him as a moral imbecile.
>
>
>
> Perhaps your neighbor is a moral imbecile. I wouldn't tell him so,
> though.
>
>
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-Should look like a boy, talk like a boy ...-=-

As sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons!
I bet I'm not the only one who started getting a soundtrack at that
point.

Oooh. Maybe I am.
Never mind.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

halfshadow1

<G> no, go on. It's nice to see you funny,you help so many people and
to see you have fun is joyful. --- In [email protected],
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-Should look like a boy, talk like a boy ...-=-
>
> As sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons!
> I bet I'm not the only one who started getting a soundtrack at that
> point.
>
> Oooh. Maybe I am.
> Never mind.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

harmony

We just read a book today called The Grump written by Mark Ludy. It would be a good book to read to your son. It is about a grumpy man that everyone is scared of, so they avoid him, but one little girl was nice to him and it took a while and he became nice. It was a good kids book.

Someone once told me that if you don't like someone you should get to know them better. Usually you will understand them more and see why they are the way they are, then you can be more compasionate to them. Maybe he was a long haired child who got teased...you never know.
Harmony


> -------Original Message-------
> From: halfshadow1 <halfshadow1@...>
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Remark from a jerk
> Sent: Feb 07 '08 4:28pm
>
> LOL...that's funny. I think i will try that compassion idea. I think
> the guy, like many men think a boy has to not cry,be tough, that sort
> of thing. Should look like a boy, talk like a boy and so on. It could
> also be where i live, in the south. I was born on Long Island and
> moved here when i was 28yo. I finished my flight school and what
> struck me was how far behind some are here concerning women,very
> sexist and how they act.--- In [LINK:
> mailto:AlwaysLearning%40yahoogroups.com] [email protected],
> Sandra
> Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> >
> > -=-He probably does think in his own weird way he is being
> > friendly and might not understand he's offending you.-=-
> >
> > Yes. He might be mean and he might be mentally deficient, but in
> > either case and in any case, combacks probably will have no affect
> > except to give him more ammunition.
> >
> >
> >
> > I've been reading about moral insanity this week. It was a concept
> > in the 19th century that turned into "sociopathic personality" and
> > then "anti-social tendencies (variously termed), but when Charles
> > Guiteau, who assassintaed President Garfield, was on trial in 1881,
> > they said he was morally insane, but another psychiatrist preferred
> > to refer to him as a moral imbecile.
> >
> >
> >
> > Perhaps your neighbor is a moral imbecile. I wouldn't tell him so,
> > though.
> >
> >
> >
> > Sandra
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>
>

Meghan Anderson-Coates

********

-=-Should look like a boy, talk like a boy ...-=-

As sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons!
I bet I'm not the only one who started getting a soundtrack at that
point.

Oooh. Maybe I am.
Never mind.

Sandra

************

Nope, you're not alone in that :-)
I often have songs pop into my head when I'm reading stuff.
On that note; dd (10yo) just started singing, "chewin' away, chewin' away, ah, ah, ah, ah, chewin' awwwaaayyyy" to the tune of Stayin' Alive <g>.




Meghan

I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston


---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meadow Linden

Hi,
I've been reading these posts about the frustrating neighbor in utter fascination...everyone has offered such different (and I believe, equally valid) suggestions! People are so interesting in how we all come from such different perspectives - and the people on this list impress me with their consciousness and thoughtfulness.
I was telling my husband about this this morning and he was loving hearing about all the different ideas for how to deal with this guy. I thought I would throw out what he said, just to add to the mix. He said that he would go to the guy and tell him that this could be handled in one of three ways...1) he stops bullying his son completely, 2) my husband goes to all the neighbors and lets them know all about the embarassingly immature behavior that this man has been perpetrating on his son or 3) he beats his ass. I'm not saying what I think of all this, I just thought it was so fun to see what he came up with...and keep in mind that this comes from a very kind and peace-loving daddy. :) I think that I personally would just go ahead and speak up to the guy when it happened, explaining to him how hurtful his behavior is and letting him know that we expect it to end. Anyway, the bottom line here is that to the mom and boy who are going through this, we are so sorry
that you're dealing with this! You have the moral support of a family in Indiana! Do what ever feels RIGHT to you in protecting and supporting your son.
Peace,
Meadow
P.S. We love long-haired little boys!!

Meghan Anderson-Coates <meghanandco@...> wrote:
********

-=-Should look like a boy, talk like a boy ...-=-

As sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons!
I bet I'm not the only one who started getting a soundtrack at that
point.

Oooh. Maybe I am.
Never mind.

Sandra

************

Nope, you're not alone in that :-)
I often have songs pop into my head when I'm reading stuff.
On that note; dd (10yo) just started singing, "chewin' away, chewin' away, ah, ah, ah, ah, chewin' awwwaaayyyy" to the tune of Stayin' Alive <g>.



Meghan

I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston

---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

halfshadow1

Something remarkable happened today. We did go for our walk and the
guy did come over to us, said hi to Lukas and out of the blue said:
Lukas, I know your a boy! Then he said maybe we can go fishing
together when your older. Him and I had a conversation about our
houses and he was very nice. Side note: ALthough he is nice, we really
don't know anything about him except he is rebuilding his house and he
goes out west to CA for a few months. I would not let my son go with a
stranger anywhere. He is trying in his own way to be friendly. When we
were walking i was thinking maybe he tried to have long hair when he
was young and couldn't or was teased.--- In
[email protected], Meadow Linden <meadowblue4@...> wrote:
>
> Hi,
> I've been reading these posts about the frustrating neighbor in
utter fascination...everyone has offered such different (and I
believe, equally valid) suggestions! People are so interesting in how
we all come from such different perspectives - and the people on this
list impress me with their consciousness and thoughtfulness.
> I was telling my husband about this this morning and he was
loving hearing about all the different ideas for how to deal with this
guy. I thought I would throw out what he said, just to add to the
mix. He said that he would go to the guy and tell him that this could
be handled in one of three ways...1) he stops bullying his son
completely, 2) my husband goes to all the neighbors and lets them know
all about the embarassingly immature behavior that this man has been
perpetrating on his son or 3) he beats his ass. I'm not saying what I
think of all this, I just thought it was so fun to see what he came up
with...and keep in mind that this comes from a very kind and
peace-loving daddy. :) I think that I personally would just go ahead
and speak up to the guy when it happened, explaining to him how
hurtful his behavior is and letting him know that we expect it to end.
Anyway, the bottom line here is that to the mom and boy who are going
through this, we are so sorry
> that you're dealing with this! You have the moral support of a
family in Indiana! Do what ever feels RIGHT to you in protecting and
supporting your son.
> Peace,
> Meadow
> P.S. We love long-haired little boys!!
>
> Meghan Anderson-Coates <meghanandco@...> wrote:
> ********
>
> -=-Should look like a boy, talk like a boy ...-=-
>
> As sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons!
> I bet I'm not the only one who started getting a soundtrack at that
> point.
>
> Oooh. Maybe I am.
> Never mind.
>
> Sandra
>
> ************
>
> Nope, you're not alone in that :-)
> I often have songs pop into my head when I'm reading stuff.
> On that note; dd (10yo) just started singing, "chewin' away, chewin'
away, ah, ah, ah, ah, chewin' awwwaaayyyy" to the tune of Stayin'
Alive <g>.
>
>
>
> Meghan
>
> I can create what I can imagine. ~ Charlene Kingston
>
> ---------------------------------
> Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo!
Search.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo!
Search.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

jenstarc4

"He is trying in his own way to be friendly."

Oh gosh, I'm so disallusioned these days. It seems everyone has normal
neighbors. I seem to get all the weirdos, so much so, that it feels
like that must be all that exists anymore! I can deal with grumpy old
men that are all crusty in their polite dealings with people. I always
get the biker gangs, and oddly weird, rude, and/or crazy people in my
neck of the woods.

Maybe I need to move... really far...

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/8/2008 10:45:52 AM Eastern Standard Time,
meghanandco@... writes:

On that note; dd (10yo) just started singing, "chewin' away, chewin' away,
ah, ah, ah, ah, chewin' awwwaaayyyy" to the tune of Stayin' Alive <g>.



Oh my gosh, that is one of our favorite things to do: make up funny lyrics
to someone else's songs/music!! We all have a blast (well, the 3 year old
hasn't quite put in his 2 cents worth, yet) doing that and sometimes we're even
lucky enough to remember them. I often think (after I've forgotten them, of
course) that I should write them down, but we're having so much fun in the
moment, I never think of it then...

Peace,
De



**************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.
(http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?NCID=aolcmp003000000025
48)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

strawlis

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>
> I've been reading about moral insanity this week. It was a concept
> in the 19th century that turned into "sociopathic personality" and
> then "anti-social tendencies (variously termed), but when Charles
> Guiteau, who assassintaed President Garfield, was on trial in 1881,
> they said he was morally insane, but another psychiatrist preferred
> to refer to him as a moral imbecile.
>
>
>
> Perhaps your neighbor is a moral imbecile. I wouldn't tell him so,
> though.

**** Too good!!! I laughed till I peed! Thanks for giving us all...
one more mental insight to others.

Elisabeth

Sandra Dodd

-=-Oh gosh, I'm so disallusioned these days. It seems everyone has
normal
neighbors. I seem to get all the weirdos, so much so, that it feels
like that must be all that exists anymore!-=-

We have tacky-rude law-breaking neighbors behind us. I had a
discussion with the dad on public property (a vacant lot near both
our houses where he won the insulting half, but I won the "make you
afraid not to change" half. I've yelled over the back fence "BE NICE
TO THEM!!!" when the grandmother was ragging and raging to the
toddlers, and I've yelled "BE QUIET" when they were just ragging and
raging at each other. And y'know what? They do get quieter and
nicer. The police are there lots, and I've only called them once,
when a teenaged girl was screaming and crying for someone not to hit
her. They've looked for the dad with a helicopter. The county made
them move out until the house was repaired. I was very disappointed
that they just didn't sell it and stay gone. There's a bit inground
pool there they used the first year and now is empty and disintegrating.

We suspect they stole the stereo from our van, but they left a
screwdriver which we still have, and we also have a better stereo now.

Our neighbors to another side are also tacky and rude, but we try to
ignore them. Our most beautiful little side yard is now the property
of their barking German Shepherd. It's not fun for us to work over
there, even. And we could befriend or bribe the dog, but his barking
is always followed closely by one of them yelling at her to 'shut up,
god damn it.' I'm glad we're not having to watch them raise kids.
They won't even let their dog be a natural dog.



But this is way, way more important than that:

I don't dwell in those thoughts. I offered them to discuss the idea
that others seem to have no ratty neighbors.

This is important: If you focus on flaws, your life will be very
flawed. If you focus on beauty and joy, your life will be joyful.
You can control the neighbors, but you can learn to control your
thoughts and your choices.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jenstarc4

>
> This is important: If you focus on flaws, your life will be very
> flawed. If you focus on beauty and joy, your life will be joyful.
> You can control the neighbors, but you can learn to control your
> thoughts and your choices.
>
>
>
> Sandra
>

I seem to be having a hard time with that part of life lately. Perhaps
its the end of winter stuff, maybe other life stuff. I don't know, but
I usually am very much a bright side of life person, and I just feel
disallusioned lately.

You are absolutely right though about what you choose to focus on. I
remember how Anne Ohman used to say that your kids should shine in your
eyes. That is much like focusing on the good things in life. Focusing
on the beauty and joy of what my kids are doing rather than what they
are doing that I might not like so much.

It really is crucial to unschooling working its best. The more I focus
on the really awesome stuff that my kids do, the more awesome stuff
they do. I don't think they can help it, they want to feel that
awesomeness, it is something that self perpetuates, just like the
negative stuff does.

This is really the first time in my unschooling journey that I've
struggled with this. I haven't posted much in a long while because of
it. I felt I should just read and not post, so as to not spill any of
that disallusionment out. I try to keep that from reaching my kids,
but I'm sure they can feel it.

I've been making lists of everything wonderful about life and things my
kids are doing. I don't write them down, just a mental list that I can
keep running throughout my day to keep it going through my thoughts and
hopefully into my actions.

I'm optomistic about things getting back to the happy flow that got
interrupted by life. I guess this is where I make lemonaide, only I'm
going to make some shirley temples instead because they are better and
my kids like marachino cherries.