Problem Solving
Amanda Horein
I could be going about this so much better, but I don't know how.
My oldest is 7 1/2. The current situation looks something like this
(although we have variants on a regular basis)...
My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation. Marti (my
dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she is here though,
all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine, normally), but she
expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her. Hannah keeps trying to get
up which leads me to believe that Hannah is bored. So Marti moves from
video game to video game trying to keep Hannah wanting to just sit there and
watch her, but Hannah would rather go and play with the younger kids. Marti
gets upset.
So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her. I try and give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away (due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.
What could I be doing better?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My oldest is 7 1/2. The current situation looks something like this
(although we have variants on a regular basis)...
My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation. Marti (my
dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she is here though,
all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine, normally), but she
expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her. Hannah keeps trying to get
up which leads me to believe that Hannah is bored. So Marti moves from
video game to video game trying to keep Hannah wanting to just sit there and
watch her, but Hannah would rather go and play with the younger kids. Marti
gets upset.
So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her. I try and give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away (due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.
What could I be doing better?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<<> My daughter's schooled friend Hannah is over during her vacation.
Marti (my
expectation that her friends would be interested in sitting and watching her
sing and dance for them - for a really long time. Her friends became swiftly
bored.
In our case I just had to allow Jayn to go through feeling frustrated (and
listen to her anger in private) when her friends eventually expressed their
boredom with the activity. Once she had been through feeling her
disappointment, *then* she was ready to return to the world of logic and
hear the other ideas and come to acceptance that it was not a reasonable
expectation on her part, and that other people needed turns and a say in
their game choices.
BTW this whole sequence happened a few times before she internalized it, and
now there is a lot more taking turns being the center of the dance. I guess
it is a bit surprising how sometimes kids need to go through a learning
process a few times to see that the principles are constant (or something)
and don't "get it" from the first experience. Once I let go of any
expectation that "saying it once should be enough" I got to feel better.
Lots of times our neighbors come and play separate computer, hand held
and/or x-box games at our house as the first choice of activity. When
everyone is playing it is very peaceful and pleasant. Everyone celebrates
each other's successes and task completions. Sometimes all three will crowd
around the DS to watch a replay and cheer. The little boy will come and read
screens for Jayn or his sister. They constantly talk about what they are
doing and help each other. Sometimes I am called to help too. The activity
is not isolating at all most of the time. Then after a while one or another
will be done with the computer/game and will start playing dolls. They
eventually they will all start making a fort or something or go outside to
make their sweet Harry Potter play (with props and costumes). :)
I wonder if there is some other activity that Hannah could do right by the
computer. Is she interested in a hand held game? Could you set up a craft or
drawing activity next to the computer?
Can you spend a lot more time watching your dd play? I sit by Jayn a lot
with my laptop or writing notebook or my loom knittng or my beading and get
to multitask to the extent that she will let me between helping her with
various tasks. Her latest game interest in Nancy Drew - and there are some
really tough puzzles. It is worth examining whether you are seeing her
computer time as "your break" time.
Robyn L. Coburn
Marti (my
> dd) is always asking if Hannah can come over. Now that she is hereI'm looking forward to hearing the answers on this. In Jayn's case it was an
> though,
> all Marti wants to do is play video games (which is fine, normally), but
> she
> expects Hannah to just sit there and watch her. Hannah keeps trying to
> get
> up which leads me to believe that Hannah is bored. So Marti moves from
> video game to video game trying to keep Hannah wanting to just sit there
> and
> watch her, but Hannah would rather go and play with the younger kids.
> Marti
> gets upset. >>>>
expectation that her friends would be interested in sitting and watching her
sing and dance for them - for a really long time. Her friends became swiftly
bored.
In our case I just had to allow Jayn to go through feeling frustrated (and
listen to her anger in private) when her friends eventually expressed their
boredom with the activity. Once she had been through feeling her
disappointment, *then* she was ready to return to the world of logic and
hear the other ideas and come to acceptance that it was not a reasonable
expectation on her part, and that other people needed turns and a say in
their game choices.
BTW this whole sequence happened a few times before she internalized it, and
now there is a lot more taking turns being the center of the dance. I guess
it is a bit surprising how sometimes kids need to go through a learning
process a few times to see that the principles are constant (or something)
and don't "get it" from the first experience. Once I let go of any
expectation that "saying it once should be enough" I got to feel better.
Lots of times our neighbors come and play separate computer, hand held
and/or x-box games at our house as the first choice of activity. When
everyone is playing it is very peaceful and pleasant. Everyone celebrates
each other's successes and task completions. Sometimes all three will crowd
around the DS to watch a replay and cheer. The little boy will come and read
screens for Jayn or his sister. They constantly talk about what they are
doing and help each other. Sometimes I am called to help too. The activity
is not isolating at all most of the time. Then after a while one or another
will be done with the computer/game and will start playing dolls. They
eventually they will all start making a fort or something or go outside to
make their sweet Harry Potter play (with props and costumes). :)
I wonder if there is some other activity that Hannah could do right by the
computer. Is she interested in a hand held game? Could you set up a craft or
drawing activity next to the computer?
Can you spend a lot more time watching your dd play? I sit by Jayn a lot
with my laptop or writing notebook or my loom knittng or my beading and get
to multitask to the extent that she will let me between helping her with
various tasks. Her latest game interest in Nancy Drew - and there are some
really tough puzzles. It is worth examining whether you are seeing her
computer time as "your break" time.
Robyn L. Coburn
Sandra Dodd
-=So, Marti sulks on the couch. I try to go comfort her. I try and
give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more
upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away
(due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.-=-
Tell Hannah not to play video games when Marti's over.
That's easy.
When someone has a guest, it's good to do what the guest wants to
do. That's no rule, that a principle at the most basic level of
principles. Part of the job of a host at every moment is to make the
guest feel welcome and comfortable.
Before Marti's visiting, brainstorm several things they could do
together, or take them out. I found my kids got along with ANY kids
better when they were on neutral territory--a playground or in a park
or anywhere. If it's a two-hour visit, plan three or four hours'
worth of stuff in case some of the plans bomb. Set them up with a
playdough station in on room, and have something already set up in
another room for when they get tired of that.
If you have something that will be new to Hannah too, it will be easy
for her to be excited and enthusiastic and not thinking about video
games.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
give her
ideas to help her. She could play a 2 player game, she could try playing
something Hannah wants to play, etc. My ideas only make her more
upset and
frustrated. She attacks all my ideas with reasons why those things won't
work. Clearly she doesn't want my advice so I end up walking away
(due to
my own frustration many times), but then she is still upset.-=-
Tell Hannah not to play video games when Marti's over.
That's easy.
When someone has a guest, it's good to do what the guest wants to
do. That's no rule, that a principle at the most basic level of
principles. Part of the job of a host at every moment is to make the
guest feel welcome and comfortable.
Before Marti's visiting, brainstorm several things they could do
together, or take them out. I found my kids got along with ANY kids
better when they were on neutral territory--a playground or in a park
or anywhere. If it's a two-hour visit, plan three or four hours'
worth of stuff in case some of the plans bomb. Set them up with a
playdough station in on room, and have something already set up in
another room for when they get tired of that.
If you have something that will be new to Hannah too, it will be easy
for her to be excited and enthusiastic and not thinking about video
games.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanne
Hi...I replied to you over at UB but I'm not sure if you saw it. The
first thing that came to my mind is what I do with my middle child
(she's 12) which is talk to her about this *before* it happens. Talk
about what your observations were (her friend being bored, etc) and ask
her what she thinks about it. My daughter seems to handle
situations better when the two of us can have some alone time and just
talk about it. I find that talking to her *while* it's happening is a
lose-lose situation.
Joanne
http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco
first thing that came to my mind is what I do with my middle child
(she's 12) which is talk to her about this *before* it happens. Talk
about what your observations were (her friend being bored, etc) and ask
her what she thinks about it. My daughter seems to handle
situations better when the two of us can have some alone time and just
talk about it. I find that talking to her *while* it's happening is a
lose-lose situation.
Joanne
http://www.myspace.com/joannegreco
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
Can you spend a lot more time watching your dd play?
-=-=-=-
Robyn,
Yes. I am sure I can. I don't really think of her game time as my break
time. Sometimes I play with her. Usually a bit every day. She loves
watching either me or her dad play which works too, mostly. So, we do play
with her and we do watch her play. I think it is kindda hard because there
are some things I really do need to get done during the day (including
spending time with my youngest, and when she needs me, she wants me to sit
with her and watch a movie, which, again, I do nearly every day) and she
(Marti) could watch me play all day (and we have taken those days, believe
me).
Anyway, I really do watch her play. I don't think that is the problem so
much. I was just wondering what to do when friends are over. Or do you
think that it's because I don't watch her enough that she thinks she needs
her friends to watch her?
-=-=-=-
Tell Hannah not to play video games when Marti's over.
-=-=-=-
Sandra,
You got the names backwards, but that isn't the point. This is really not
what I expected anyone to say. It took me by surprise. It makes sense to
me, but how do I explain that to Marti? She would be devistated if I told
her she had to go that long without video games. She would sulk A LOT.
I guess maybe just the planning other things for them would work. I will
have to think on that. Thank you.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Can you spend a lot more time watching your dd play?
-=-=-=-
Robyn,
Yes. I am sure I can. I don't really think of her game time as my break
time. Sometimes I play with her. Usually a bit every day. She loves
watching either me or her dad play which works too, mostly. So, we do play
with her and we do watch her play. I think it is kindda hard because there
are some things I really do need to get done during the day (including
spending time with my youngest, and when she needs me, she wants me to sit
with her and watch a movie, which, again, I do nearly every day) and she
(Marti) could watch me play all day (and we have taken those days, believe
me).
Anyway, I really do watch her play. I don't think that is the problem so
much. I was just wondering what to do when friends are over. Or do you
think that it's because I don't watch her enough that she thinks she needs
her friends to watch her?
-=-=-=-
Tell Hannah not to play video games when Marti's over.
-=-=-=-
Sandra,
You got the names backwards, but that isn't the point. This is really not
what I expected anyone to say. It took me by surprise. It makes sense to
me, but how do I explain that to Marti? She would be devistated if I told
her she had to go that long without video games. She would sulk A LOT.
I guess maybe just the planning other things for them would work. I will
have to think on that. Thank you.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=You got the names backwards, but that isn't the point. This is
really not
what I expected anyone to say. It took me by surprise. It makes sense to
me, but how do I explain that to Marti? She would be devistated if I
told
her she had to go that long without video games. She would sulk A
LOT.-=-
Sorry about the names.
Why explain it? Why say it's a long time?
If she wants her friend to come over, you could say "Okay, what do
you want to do with her?"
I think the biggest part of parenting is helping a child understand
how the culture works, what's expected of them, what makes things
smoother and happier.
If your family is in the habit of watching each other play games,
it's worth mentioning that it's not something everyone will want to do.
One thing that's excrutiating for me is for someone to say "Listen to
this song." For my kids, sometimes I will, but it's not easy.
That surprises other people sometimes, but I need to warm up to music
gradually and in my own time, not with someone else watching me
listen and waiting for a reaction or review. I just refuse, usually,
or listen to a little bit of it and ask where I can find it later.
You'd think three or four minutes wouldn't hurt me, but you'd be
wrong. <g>
So the idea of watching someone else play a video game is, for most
people, unthinkable and nutty (if not painful or excrutiating).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
really not
what I expected anyone to say. It took me by surprise. It makes sense to
me, but how do I explain that to Marti? She would be devistated if I
told
her she had to go that long without video games. She would sulk A
LOT.-=-
Sorry about the names.
Why explain it? Why say it's a long time?
If she wants her friend to come over, you could say "Okay, what do
you want to do with her?"
I think the biggest part of parenting is helping a child understand
how the culture works, what's expected of them, what makes things
smoother and happier.
If your family is in the habit of watching each other play games,
it's worth mentioning that it's not something everyone will want to do.
One thing that's excrutiating for me is for someone to say "Listen to
this song." For my kids, sometimes I will, but it's not easy.
That surprises other people sometimes, but I need to warm up to music
gradually and in my own time, not with someone else watching me
listen and waiting for a reaction or review. I just refuse, usually,
or listen to a little bit of it and ask where I can find it later.
You'd think three or four minutes wouldn't hurt me, but you'd be
wrong. <g>
So the idea of watching someone else play a video game is, for most
people, unthinkable and nutty (if not painful or excrutiating).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
riasplace3
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
reading something you'd written, maybe on your blog, about Holly
spitting on a parking lot, I think, and you saying something
about "doing it where people won't walk", and then there was another
place where you mentioned Marty with his head shaved and you told him
about some places seeing it differently (Oh, something like that, bad
paraphrase, I know).
Anyway, I was thinking about that, and how if someone was planning a
trip to a foreign country you'd try to make sure they were aware of
the customs so they wouldn't do socially unaccaptable things while
they were there.
There are a LOT of things *we* as adults know, and sometimes we just
assume the kids should know, too, but they don't...how could they?
I'm trying to keep that in mind when talking with my kids...for
example today during church my youngest got a bottle of body spray
out of her purse and spritzed herself, and I told her that some
people are allergic to scents/sprays and it wasn't polite to spray in
public. I used to would have just said, "Don't" without explaining,
but I'm finding it really helps them to know *WHY*.
: )
Ria
> I think the biggest part of parenting is helping a childunderstand
> how the culture works, what's expected of them, what makes thingsI've been thinking about this quite a lot lately, actually. I was
> smoother and happier.
reading something you'd written, maybe on your blog, about Holly
spitting on a parking lot, I think, and you saying something
about "doing it where people won't walk", and then there was another
place where you mentioned Marty with his head shaved and you told him
about some places seeing it differently (Oh, something like that, bad
paraphrase, I know).
Anyway, I was thinking about that, and how if someone was planning a
trip to a foreign country you'd try to make sure they were aware of
the customs so they wouldn't do socially unaccaptable things while
they were there.
There are a LOT of things *we* as adults know, and sometimes we just
assume the kids should know, too, but they don't...how could they?
I'm trying to keep that in mind when talking with my kids...for
example today during church my youngest got a bottle of body spray
out of her purse and spritzed herself, and I told her that some
people are allergic to scents/sprays and it wasn't polite to spray in
public. I used to would have just said, "Don't" without explaining,
but I'm finding it really helps them to know *WHY*.
: )
Ria
Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 30, 2007, at 11:18 AM, Amanda Horein wrote:
friend comfortable or uncomfortable. You're not creating a rule for
her to adhere to, eg, "When your friend is here you aren't allowed to
play video games." You're helping her think up ways to help her
friend be comfortable and have fun.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> She would be devistated if I toldShe doesn't *have* to. It's a choice to make between making her
> her she had to go that long without video games.
friend comfortable or uncomfortable. You're not creating a rule for
her to adhere to, eg, "When your friend is here you aren't allowed to
play video games." You're helping her think up ways to help her
friend be comfortable and have fun.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Erica Chase-Salerno
I joined "AlwaysLearning" right around this time last year as a brand
new unschooler and was surprised and delighted to read the discussion
at that time around children and media. It was exactly what I was
wondering about and struggling with as I tried moving away from a
philosophy that previously restricted all access to TV for my kids in
our home. My original post is #27632. It's amazing to look back
even one year and see how far we've come.
I want to say THANK YOU to Sandra Dodd, Joyce Fetteroll, Pamela
Sorooshian, and so many others of you in this unschooling community
for your wonderful support around this philosophy of living. I have
grown so much personally in this past year, and I feel that I am truly
getting to know, and LOVE, my son as. he. is. I can think of no
greater gift.
I felt inspired to begin my own blog about our family's continued
unschooling journey and I wanted to share the first post with you
all. This "love letter" to SpongeBob represents a complete turnaround
for me as a result of the shifts we've experienced in this first year
of living more freely, joyfully, and authentically. That said, I have
lots more to learn and let go of but with your help, I'm doing it!
Looking forward to another year with you all. THANK YOU for all that
you do.
~ Erica
KitchenOrTheEgg.com unschooling blog
(Declan, 4.5 yrs., Quinlan, 22 mos.)
Dear SpongeBob,
It's been a year since we've been �seeing� each other, and I thought
I'd mark our anniversary with this love letter to you in my new blog.
You see, during this past year, you have probably helped to
demonstrate the changes in me more than anything else. I just want to
say thank you. Some background...
My son has loved you for a long time.
I despised you.
I thought you were just another �nonsense� cartoon whose image is
everywhere, over-merchandised throughout my local department and toy
stores. To me, you represented the epitome of everything ridiculous
in our society that got in the way of my raising my son �right.� I
had also never watched an episode.
Things changed after I read the education book, �Teach Your Own� by
John Holt. I got so excited about the wonderful homeschooling ideas
he wrote about! I hosted a discussion group about it on January 5,
2007, and that's when I began to get to know you, and my son, in a
brand new way. It marks the beginning of my conscious focus on
following Declan's lead about his interests which, of course, included
you.
As a result of his passionate interest in you, we lifted the TV
restrictions in our home and ended up watching lots of your shows.
After a while, I found myself laughing at your crazy encounters with
Squidward, cracking up at Patrick's jokes, appreciating Sandy's Texas
spunk, smiling at Mrs. Puff's classroom management techniques,
giggling at Mr. Krabs' extreme frugality, and wondering what Plankton
would do next in his quest to take over the Krusty Krab.
Of course you portray the ridiculous in your show � we're talking
about conversing crustaceans and their underwater lives, complete with
restaurants and motorboats. But to consider you as something
negative, irrelevant, or even evil? Never again. I regret that my
past negative feelings about you could have led my son to feel like he
was shallow, or worse, a bad person, for enjoying you. I judged you
based on false assumptions. Exactly what I strive not to do. And
something I hope my children would never do.
I adore you, SpongeBob. I relate to your enthusiasm and openness when
pursuing new ideas, interests, and adventures. I'm inspired by your
boundless optimism and enchanted by your bright, happy outlook on the
world. To me, you represent a lifestyle that embraces a zest for
living, the way I want life to feel in our home. But most of all, I
appreciate the connection you've helped me to establish with my son
around something he loves. It has been a valuable gateway to
countless other interests.
Thank you for providing me with an amazing opportunity to connect with
Declan at his level, on his terms, not filtered through my own likes
and dislikes. I don't want him limited to choices within a range of
what I like or am familiar with. The world is bigger than me and my
experience. He is here to walk his path in his own way. I am here as
a loving guide helping him to access and navigate this world.
Sure, I share with him my ways and views about life. So why wouldn't
I be open to his? In his own unique way? Even if we don't share the
same tastes. I don't have to like everything he likes. But to ignore
or not take seriously his deep interest in something? Not to learn
more about something that's important to him? That feels wrong to me.
We watch you together now, SpongeBob. I love hearing Declan's
reactions to what happens with you and your friends. Now that I'm a
regular viewer, I know what's going on in your life �down, down, down
at the bottom of the sea,� and can offer context to my son's
spontaneous, seemingly random comments or questions about a scene he
saw. This mama now considers you her favorite cartoon. Here's to
many more years of happiness together!
Love,
Erica
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
new unschooler and was surprised and delighted to read the discussion
at that time around children and media. It was exactly what I was
wondering about and struggling with as I tried moving away from a
philosophy that previously restricted all access to TV for my kids in
our home. My original post is #27632. It's amazing to look back
even one year and see how far we've come.
I want to say THANK YOU to Sandra Dodd, Joyce Fetteroll, Pamela
Sorooshian, and so many others of you in this unschooling community
for your wonderful support around this philosophy of living. I have
grown so much personally in this past year, and I feel that I am truly
getting to know, and LOVE, my son as. he. is. I can think of no
greater gift.
I felt inspired to begin my own blog about our family's continued
unschooling journey and I wanted to share the first post with you
all. This "love letter" to SpongeBob represents a complete turnaround
for me as a result of the shifts we've experienced in this first year
of living more freely, joyfully, and authentically. That said, I have
lots more to learn and let go of but with your help, I'm doing it!
Looking forward to another year with you all. THANK YOU for all that
you do.
~ Erica
KitchenOrTheEgg.com unschooling blog
(Declan, 4.5 yrs., Quinlan, 22 mos.)
Dear SpongeBob,
It's been a year since we've been �seeing� each other, and I thought
I'd mark our anniversary with this love letter to you in my new blog.
You see, during this past year, you have probably helped to
demonstrate the changes in me more than anything else. I just want to
say thank you. Some background...
My son has loved you for a long time.
I despised you.
I thought you were just another �nonsense� cartoon whose image is
everywhere, over-merchandised throughout my local department and toy
stores. To me, you represented the epitome of everything ridiculous
in our society that got in the way of my raising my son �right.� I
had also never watched an episode.
Things changed after I read the education book, �Teach Your Own� by
John Holt. I got so excited about the wonderful homeschooling ideas
he wrote about! I hosted a discussion group about it on January 5,
2007, and that's when I began to get to know you, and my son, in a
brand new way. It marks the beginning of my conscious focus on
following Declan's lead about his interests which, of course, included
you.
As a result of his passionate interest in you, we lifted the TV
restrictions in our home and ended up watching lots of your shows.
After a while, I found myself laughing at your crazy encounters with
Squidward, cracking up at Patrick's jokes, appreciating Sandy's Texas
spunk, smiling at Mrs. Puff's classroom management techniques,
giggling at Mr. Krabs' extreme frugality, and wondering what Plankton
would do next in his quest to take over the Krusty Krab.
Of course you portray the ridiculous in your show � we're talking
about conversing crustaceans and their underwater lives, complete with
restaurants and motorboats. But to consider you as something
negative, irrelevant, or even evil? Never again. I regret that my
past negative feelings about you could have led my son to feel like he
was shallow, or worse, a bad person, for enjoying you. I judged you
based on false assumptions. Exactly what I strive not to do. And
something I hope my children would never do.
I adore you, SpongeBob. I relate to your enthusiasm and openness when
pursuing new ideas, interests, and adventures. I'm inspired by your
boundless optimism and enchanted by your bright, happy outlook on the
world. To me, you represent a lifestyle that embraces a zest for
living, the way I want life to feel in our home. But most of all, I
appreciate the connection you've helped me to establish with my son
around something he loves. It has been a valuable gateway to
countless other interests.
Thank you for providing me with an amazing opportunity to connect with
Declan at his level, on his terms, not filtered through my own likes
and dislikes. I don't want him limited to choices within a range of
what I like or am familiar with. The world is bigger than me and my
experience. He is here to walk his path in his own way. I am here as
a loving guide helping him to access and navigate this world.
Sure, I share with him my ways and views about life. So why wouldn't
I be open to his? In his own unique way? Even if we don't share the
same tastes. I don't have to like everything he likes. But to ignore
or not take seriously his deep interest in something? Not to learn
more about something that's important to him? That feels wrong to me.
We watch you together now, SpongeBob. I love hearing Declan's
reactions to what happens with you and your friends. Now that I'm a
regular viewer, I know what's going on in your life �down, down, down
at the bottom of the sea,� and can offer context to my son's
spontaneous, seemingly random comments or questions about a scene he
saw. This mama now considers you her favorite cartoon. Here's to
many more years of happiness together!
Love,
Erica
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Erica, thanks for sharing all that!
I'd like to put it in my TV section. There's a place in there
somewhere where Ren Allen's original TV views are contrasted with her
later ones. It would be cool to have another example. If that
would make you nervous or you want it without names or something....
But wait! You have a blog!
Let me know if you have conditions on how you'd like it shared. I
could just link to your blog page at that point in the post, maybe.
Sandra
I'd like to put it in my TV section. There's a place in there
somewhere where Ren Allen's original TV views are contrasted with her
later ones. It would be cool to have another example. If that
would make you nervous or you want it without names or something....
But wait! You have a blog!
Let me know if you have conditions on how you'd like it shared. I
could just link to your blog page at that point in the post, maybe.
Sandra
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
That was great Erica.
As I like to chant around here...
"Who lives in a pinapple under the sea???
SpongeBob Square Pants"
Alex
Hello I also should introduce myself.
I just joined but I have been on AU , UB and lurking at UnschoolindDiscussions for a few years.
I will try to write a post later and introduce myself officially.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
As I like to chant around here...
"Who lives in a pinapple under the sea???
SpongeBob Square Pants"
Alex
Hello I also should introduce myself.
I just joined but I have been on AU , UB and lurking at UnschoolindDiscussions for a few years.
I will try to write a post later and introduce myself officially.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rebecca Boxwell
All-
On the heels of the changing thoughts about TV conversation - I thought
that you might be interested in The Edge's Annual Question report. This
year's question was "What have you changed your mind about?" The
easiest way to read the answers is to click through the names on the
left, or scroll WAY down to where it says "begin reading here, pg 1".
Enjoy! http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html
--Rebecca
On the heels of the changing thoughts about TV conversation - I thought
that you might be interested in The Edge's Annual Question report. This
year's question was "What have you changed your mind about?" The
easiest way to read the answers is to click through the names on the
left, or scroll WAY down to where it says "begin reading here, pg 1".
Enjoy! http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html
--Rebecca
julesmiel
I haven't posted in a long while, so a reintroduction...
I'm Julie, living in upstate New York with 2yo Dmitri and dh Joe,
unschoolers since Dmitri's birth.
Thanks for posting this, Erica! We just got our first SpongeBob DVD
today, so this was nice to see. Off to get our 3am snack and watch
SpongeBob again...and again and again and again. :-)
Julie B
http://www.unschooledliving.blogspot.com
I'm Julie, living in upstate New York with 2yo Dmitri and dh Joe,
unschoolers since Dmitri's birth.
Thanks for posting this, Erica! We just got our first SpongeBob DVD
today, so this was nice to see. Off to get our 3am snack and watch
SpongeBob again...and again and again and again. :-)
Julie B
http://www.unschooledliving.blogspot.com
Bob Collier
Spongebob Squarepants is my favourite cartoon too. My son and I have
probably watched every episode ever made at least three times and once,
while on holiday, happily sat through a four hour marathon from start
to finish. Rock Bottom is a classic (the one where Spongebob keeps
missing the bus), and the one about the Sea Bear, and the Hash Slinging
Slasher ...
My son is called Patrick, btw. :)
Bob
probably watched every episode ever made at least three times and once,
while on holiday, happily sat through a four hour marathon from start
to finish. Rock Bottom is a classic (the one where Spongebob keeps
missing the bus), and the one about the Sea Bear, and the Hash Slinging
Slasher ...
My son is called Patrick, btw. :)
Bob
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
She doesn't *have* to. It's a choice to make between making her
friend comfortable or uncomfortable. You're not creating a rule for
her to adhere to, eg, "When your friend is here you aren't allowed to
play video games." You're helping her think up ways to help her
friend be comfortable and have fun.
-=-=-=-
I did give her the choice and she chose video games. What her friend was
feeling didn't seem to matter to her.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
She doesn't *have* to. It's a choice to make between making her
friend comfortable or uncomfortable. You're not creating a rule for
her to adhere to, eg, "When your friend is here you aren't allowed to
play video games." You're helping her think up ways to help her
friend be comfortable and have fun.
-=-=-=-
I did give her the choice and she chose video games. What her friend was
feeling didn't seem to matter to her.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Jan 2, 2008, at 6:00 PM, Amanda Horein wrote:
invite her friend over.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I did give her the choice and she chose video games. What her friendSo, then you have her choice. She'd rather play video games - so don't
> was
> feeling didn't seem to matter to her.
invite her friend over.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
So, then you have her choice. She'd rather play video games - so don't
invite her friend over.
-=-=-=-
I hear ya, but SHE wants to invite her over. What do I tell her?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So, then you have her choice. She'd rather play video games - so don't
invite her friend over.
-=-=-=-
I hear ya, but SHE wants to invite her over. What do I tell her?
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (nearly 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure"
-Jane Brody
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I did give her the choice and she chose video games. What her
friend was
feeling didn't seem to matter to her.-=-
Was it a sufficiently informed choice?
What is the principle? It helps to see the principles behind
decisions (such as whether to invite her friend over).
WHY is her friend coming over? Defending that situation will make
sense, if your daughter has a "why." And the friend should be in on
that, too. If the friend is coming over just so you can checkbox
"friend came over," or "socializing," then it's fine not to worry
about the friend's feelings. If the friend is invited over the play,
then there's an obligation to provide and encourage play.
Did you play with them? Have you considered creating a situation
you're in too? A board game or cookie baking or pipe-cleaner
sculpture project?
Some people see unschooling as a new set of rules. "Children have to
have choices." If that's seen as a principle instead of "a rule,"
your thinking should become easier. But the choice might be better
moved back before the friend comes over, and before the friend is
invited. Does your daughter want to play with her friend or play
video games? If the latter, don't invite the friend over.
If I tell Holly I will pick her up from a party, I *could* choose not
to, but only at the cost of her faith in me, at the cost of my
integrity and reliability, and possibly at the cost of her safety.
When a person makes a decision, other factors should be considered,
not just "at this moment, do you feel like playing a video game or
not?" or "At this moment, do you feel like going out into the dark
and the cold to drive the car or not?"
Perhaps you're looking at the wrong part of the "problem."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
friend was
feeling didn't seem to matter to her.-=-
Was it a sufficiently informed choice?
What is the principle? It helps to see the principles behind
decisions (such as whether to invite her friend over).
WHY is her friend coming over? Defending that situation will make
sense, if your daughter has a "why." And the friend should be in on
that, too. If the friend is coming over just so you can checkbox
"friend came over," or "socializing," then it's fine not to worry
about the friend's feelings. If the friend is invited over the play,
then there's an obligation to provide and encourage play.
Did you play with them? Have you considered creating a situation
you're in too? A board game or cookie baking or pipe-cleaner
sculpture project?
Some people see unschooling as a new set of rules. "Children have to
have choices." If that's seen as a principle instead of "a rule,"
your thinking should become easier. But the choice might be better
moved back before the friend comes over, and before the friend is
invited. Does your daughter want to play with her friend or play
video games? If the latter, don't invite the friend over.
If I tell Holly I will pick her up from a party, I *could* choose not
to, but only at the cost of her faith in me, at the cost of my
integrity and reliability, and possibly at the cost of her safety.
When a person makes a decision, other factors should be considered,
not just "at this moment, do you feel like playing a video game or
not?" or "At this moment, do you feel like going out into the dark
and the cold to drive the car or not?"
Perhaps you're looking at the wrong part of the "problem."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
space_and_freedom
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein" <horein@...> wrote:
Try to coach your DD ahead of time that her friend will only watch her
for a little while. Ask DD if she still wants her friend there if her
friend stops watching after only a little bit.
If her friend wants to come over knowing your DD will spend most of
her time playing games, and is okay with watching for a while then
playing with the littler kids, then your DD's game playing is not a
problem for the friend.
The four and three year olds probably see the friend coming over as a
special treat.
Jen H.
http://crazychicknlady.livejournal.com/
>Maybe you remind her of what happened last time.
> -=-=-=-
> So, then you have her choice. She'd rather play video games - so don't
> invite her friend over.
> -=-=-=-
>
> I hear ya, but SHE wants to invite her over. What do I tell her?
Try to coach your DD ahead of time that her friend will only watch her
for a little while. Ask DD if she still wants her friend there if her
friend stops watching after only a little bit.
If her friend wants to come over knowing your DD will spend most of
her time playing games, and is okay with watching for a while then
playing with the littler kids, then your DD's game playing is not a
problem for the friend.
The four and three year olds probably see the friend coming over as a
special treat.
Jen H.
http://crazychicknlady.livejournal.com/