Prompting & remembering
Barbara Mullins
I would like some discussion about how much prompting you think is
necessary with children. I'm having an internal argument about it and
I would like to talk with others who have probably already been
through the same thing. Anyhow I have a 9yo who we have been life
learning with for about 4 years now, most of the time things are great
and I think we're both doing well. We talk and share as much as
possible in the time we have. I work part-time but my dh is thankfully
on board with unschooling and they spend more time together when I'm
at work.
What I have problems with is how much of the reminding or
prompting should I be doing with him. For example after dinner I see
him walking straight to the computer and I may prompt with something
like "you might want to wash your hands to keep any grease (or ketchup
usually) from getting the keyboard icky", or if I see that he's tired
and getting ready for bed I say something like "do you want me to put
toothpaste on your toothbrush so it will be ready for you?" as a
reminder to brush his teeth. I try not to remind about the teeth every
day, I'm hoping sometime he will take over and remember himself but
I'm not seeing that happen yet. Same thing with the hand washing he's
not remembering it on his own yet. As I write this out I realize I am
wanting him to remember these things on his own, perhaps am I wanting
too much out of him too soon, and when he is ready he will do these
things on his own?
I try not to prompt or remind unless it's something I really
feel is worth saying. For example a lot of days he forgets to brush
his hair but I only mention it if we're going out somewhere. Am I
doing the right thing with these occasional reminders? We do talk
about these things at other times he just hasn't caught on yet that he
needs to be the one responsible for doing them? Is there something
better I could be doing? And I should note that when i do make a
prompt he is almost always happy to comply. (That he is not just
growing dependent on me to remind him of these things? Is that the
schooly thought I am trying to get out of my head, or is that the
problem I'm having is that he'd too dependent on me to remind him?)
I have given up on his nail biting, he is like his dad and does it
in his sleep, it's not a voluntary thing on his part so I let it go
but I am unhappy inside that his nails will probably always look
terrible like his dads for the rest of his life, but I married his dad
anyway :) We have talked about it several times, about things he could
try, trying to let him come up with his own solutions. But I don't say
anything to him about it anymore as I figure if it is under his
control he will fix it eventually, that I would only be putting
unnecessary stress on him by saying something. So I'm not sure it I'm
doing the right thing there either.
necessary with children. I'm having an internal argument about it and
I would like to talk with others who have probably already been
through the same thing. Anyhow I have a 9yo who we have been life
learning with for about 4 years now, most of the time things are great
and I think we're both doing well. We talk and share as much as
possible in the time we have. I work part-time but my dh is thankfully
on board with unschooling and they spend more time together when I'm
at work.
What I have problems with is how much of the reminding or
prompting should I be doing with him. For example after dinner I see
him walking straight to the computer and I may prompt with something
like "you might want to wash your hands to keep any grease (or ketchup
usually) from getting the keyboard icky", or if I see that he's tired
and getting ready for bed I say something like "do you want me to put
toothpaste on your toothbrush so it will be ready for you?" as a
reminder to brush his teeth. I try not to remind about the teeth every
day, I'm hoping sometime he will take over and remember himself but
I'm not seeing that happen yet. Same thing with the hand washing he's
not remembering it on his own yet. As I write this out I realize I am
wanting him to remember these things on his own, perhaps am I wanting
too much out of him too soon, and when he is ready he will do these
things on his own?
I try not to prompt or remind unless it's something I really
feel is worth saying. For example a lot of days he forgets to brush
his hair but I only mention it if we're going out somewhere. Am I
doing the right thing with these occasional reminders? We do talk
about these things at other times he just hasn't caught on yet that he
needs to be the one responsible for doing them? Is there something
better I could be doing? And I should note that when i do make a
prompt he is almost always happy to comply. (That he is not just
growing dependent on me to remind him of these things? Is that the
schooly thought I am trying to get out of my head, or is that the
problem I'm having is that he'd too dependent on me to remind him?)
I have given up on his nail biting, he is like his dad and does it
in his sleep, it's not a voluntary thing on his part so I let it go
but I am unhappy inside that his nails will probably always look
terrible like his dads for the rest of his life, but I married his dad
anyway :) We have talked about it several times, about things he could
try, trying to let him come up with his own solutions. But I don't say
anything to him about it anymore as I figure if it is under his
control he will fix it eventually, that I would only be putting
unnecessary stress on him by saying something. So I'm not sure it I'm
doing the right thing there either.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I try not to prompt or remind unless it's something I really
feel is worth saying-=-
Why not just ask him directly, "Could you wash your hands before you
use the computer?"
This seems more like a kind of naggy hint: "I may prompt with something
like "you might want to wash your hands"
I'd rather hear "Hey, wash your hands" than "you might want to
consider that maybe blah blah..."
But what if you just call him over and wipe off his hands while you
say something nice to him? You could get a warm, wet washcloth and
say "I saw ketchup and didn't want it on the keyboard," or something.
-=-We do talk
about these things at other times he just hasn't caught on yet that he
needs to be the one responsible for doing them? Is there something
better I could be doing?-=-
"Responsible" is a harsh concept. Ultimately you're "responsible"
for your child's health and wellbeing. "Responsible" means you have
to answer for your decisions. You might have to respond to a higher
authority. You can't really delegate that literal responsibility to
your child.
-=-I am unhappy inside that his nails will probably always look
terrible like his dads for the rest of his life-=-
Eeek!
That's way to negative to think, and too negative to express.
Maybe your husband bit his nails from stress (maybe) and your son
won't always, but it will help if you don't share your stress with
him. The calmer and more hopeful and joyful you the mom can be, the
more hope and joy there is at your house.
Maybe about teeth you could just ask "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
Pam Sorooshian might recommend saying no more than "teeth."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
feel is worth saying-=-
Why not just ask him directly, "Could you wash your hands before you
use the computer?"
This seems more like a kind of naggy hint: "I may prompt with something
like "you might want to wash your hands"
I'd rather hear "Hey, wash your hands" than "you might want to
consider that maybe blah blah..."
But what if you just call him over and wipe off his hands while you
say something nice to him? You could get a warm, wet washcloth and
say "I saw ketchup and didn't want it on the keyboard," or something.
-=-We do talk
about these things at other times he just hasn't caught on yet that he
needs to be the one responsible for doing them? Is there something
better I could be doing?-=-
"Responsible" is a harsh concept. Ultimately you're "responsible"
for your child's health and wellbeing. "Responsible" means you have
to answer for your decisions. You might have to respond to a higher
authority. You can't really delegate that literal responsibility to
your child.
-=-I am unhappy inside that his nails will probably always look
terrible like his dads for the rest of his life-=-
Eeek!
That's way to negative to think, and too negative to express.
Maybe your husband bit his nails from stress (maybe) and your son
won't always, but it will help if you don't share your stress with
him. The calmer and more hopeful and joyful you the mom can be, the
more hope and joy there is at your house.
Maybe about teeth you could just ask "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
Pam Sorooshian might recommend saying no more than "teeth."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 4, 2007, at 3:18 PM, Barbara Mullins wrote:
and brush his teeth on his own.I think expectations are one of the
biggest sources of stress for parents. When we starting thinking
"They're age x and should be doing y by now," it's hard not to see
them and treat them as broken or lazy.
If your goal is helping to keep the keyboard clean and helping him
brush his teeth then I bet your stress level will go way down.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What I have problems with is how much of the reminding orIt sounds like your goal is to get him to remember to wash his hands
> prompting should I be doing with him.
and brush his teeth on his own.I think expectations are one of the
biggest sources of stress for parents. When we starting thinking
"They're age x and should be doing y by now," it's hard not to see
them and treat them as broken or lazy.
If your goal is helping to keep the keyboard clean and helping him
brush his teeth then I bet your stress level will go way down.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Nov 4, 2007, at 12:34 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
lectures about why the teeth should be brushed or why the hands
should be washed, as if THIS TIME the information is suddenly going
to sink in. "Use a word," helps short-circuit that habit and lets the
kid think, "Teeth? Oh, I should go brush them before bed," or "Hands?
Oh, I maybe should wash them before using the computer."
I was thinking, though, that another good idea for the computer is
to put a post-it note on it that says, "Wash your hands." I have one
on our pantry door, in the kitchen, that says, "Close me." If we
leave that door open, the dog gets in and takes boxes of food out to
the back yard and tears them apart.
I also have one on the toilet that says, "If you poop, please flush
twice," because our low-flow toilet is inadequate.
Another suggestion I have is to not think about this as a big overall
problem, think about only the specifics of what you actually want.
Stop thinking about it as, "He needs constant reminders," and,
instead, think, "I want him to wash his hands before using the
computer."
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Maybe about teeth you could just ask "Have you brushed your teethIf someone is saying too much - repeatedly giving little mini-
> yet?"
>
> Pam Sorooshian might recommend saying no more than "teeth."
lectures about why the teeth should be brushed or why the hands
should be washed, as if THIS TIME the information is suddenly going
to sink in. "Use a word," helps short-circuit that habit and lets the
kid think, "Teeth? Oh, I should go brush them before bed," or "Hands?
Oh, I maybe should wash them before using the computer."
I was thinking, though, that another good idea for the computer is
to put a post-it note on it that says, "Wash your hands." I have one
on our pantry door, in the kitchen, that says, "Close me." If we
leave that door open, the dog gets in and takes boxes of food out to
the back yard and tears them apart.
I also have one on the toilet that says, "If you poop, please flush
twice," because our low-flow toilet is inadequate.
Another suggestion I have is to not think about this as a big overall
problem, think about only the specifics of what you actually want.
Stop thinking about it as, "He needs constant reminders," and,
instead, think, "I want him to wash his hands before using the
computer."
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<> But what if you just call him over and wipe off his hands while you
so that if he feels the stickiness he can clean his hands without going out
of his way.
<<<< Maybe about teeth you could just ask "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
about it. When she visited the dentist recently (the beloved dentist btw)
and got something of a lecture about her teeth, she stopped brushing her
teeth completely for a few weeks, in the lead up to another filling visit.
Even hearing that her breath smelled bad from her friends had no good
effect.
I talked to the dentist about the deleterious effect of giving lectures, but
I don't think that stopped her. We have simply decided to go for cleanings
at the dentist more often, and have Jayn's teeth sealed as they come in. The
receptionist told me that many of the kids with erratic brushing habits come
in extra often for cleanings.
I asked Jayn how I could help, such as if she wanted to be reminded about
brushing, and she said she "didn't mind" being reminded, but I notice that
reminders created a resistance.
Now that I stopped saying anything to her, she proudly announces her
brushing again. Protecting her own autonomy seems to be really important to
Jayn.
Robyn L. Coburn
> say something nice to him? You could get a warm, wet washcloth andI was going to suggest keeping a little pack of hand wipes by the computer
> say "I saw ketchup and didn't want it on the keyboard," or something.
> >>>>
so that if he feels the stickiness he can clean his hands without going out
of his way.
<<<< Maybe about teeth you could just ask "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
>Jayn (8) brushes her teeth way more often when no-one says anything to her
> Pam Sorooshian might recommend saying no more than "teeth." >>>>
about it. When she visited the dentist recently (the beloved dentist btw)
and got something of a lecture about her teeth, she stopped brushing her
teeth completely for a few weeks, in the lead up to another filling visit.
Even hearing that her breath smelled bad from her friends had no good
effect.
I talked to the dentist about the deleterious effect of giving lectures, but
I don't think that stopped her. We have simply decided to go for cleanings
at the dentist more often, and have Jayn's teeth sealed as they come in. The
receptionist told me that many of the kids with erratic brushing habits come
in extra often for cleanings.
I asked Jayn how I could help, such as if she wanted to be reminded about
brushing, and she said she "didn't mind" being reminded, but I notice that
reminders created a resistance.
Now that I stopped saying anything to her, she proudly announces her
brushing again. Protecting her own autonomy seems to be really important to
Jayn.
Robyn L. Coburn
Lisa
I read your post to my 14yo dd and she suggested you get a second
keyboard. Let him plug in his own board so that you don't need to
worry about his mucking up the one you use.
She also said not to worry about teeth brushing, he'll figure it out.
If he ever gets a filling well that will certainly prompt him to be
more diligent!
Lisa Heyman
keyboard. Let him plug in his own board so that you don't need to
worry about his mucking up the one you use.
She also said not to worry about teeth brushing, he'll figure it out.
If he ever gets a filling well that will certainly prompt him to be
more diligent!
Lisa Heyman
Sandra Dodd
My kids brush their own teeth. They all went through a phase of not
doing it much, and then they get older and hygiene becomes important,
and they brush their teeth, change their socks lots, do their hair,
take lots of showers, shave...
Holly and Marty both had braces. They both took good care of them.
I didn't "make them." I hardly ever even inquired, because it was
their choice to get those and they listened to the orthodontist and
the technicians for feedback and ideas. Marty didn't wear his rubber
bands as much as they would have liked, but he had four, frequently,
in odd configurations, and some days he'd blow it off. I didn't nag
him. Their teeth look great. If after a few years they don't look
as perfect as they do now, they'll still be better than if they
hadn't had braces.
Sandra
doing it much, and then they get older and hygiene becomes important,
and they brush their teeth, change their socks lots, do their hair,
take lots of showers, shave...
Holly and Marty both had braces. They both took good care of them.
I didn't "make them." I hardly ever even inquired, because it was
their choice to get those and they listened to the orthodontist and
the technicians for feedback and ideas. Marty didn't wear his rubber
bands as much as they would have liked, but he had four, frequently,
in odd configurations, and some days he'd blow it off. I didn't nag
him. Their teeth look great. If after a few years they don't look
as perfect as they do now, they'll still be better than if they
hadn't had braces.
Sandra
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], "Barbara Mullins"
<mozafamily@...> wrote:
I keep in mind how I prefer his behaviour to be. When I'M prompted
about something or other that doesn't match my preference, I prompt him
about it.
I don't try to predict when I'll be prompted and I don't decide in
advance how exactly I'll pass on that prompt to my son. If what I try
when the moment arises doesn't produce the desired outcome, I get on
with my life and come back to the subject when I'm prompted again.
Maybe in the same way, maybe in a different way. I'm the improv king.
So I'm not any help to you with the details, unfortunately. :)
Bob
<mozafamily@...> wrote:
>Here's how it works for me with my 12 year old son.
> I would like some discussion about how much prompting you think is
> necessary with children.
I keep in mind how I prefer his behaviour to be. When I'M prompted
about something or other that doesn't match my preference, I prompt him
about it.
I don't try to predict when I'll be prompted and I don't decide in
advance how exactly I'll pass on that prompt to my son. If what I try
when the moment arises doesn't produce the desired outcome, I get on
with my life and come back to the subject when I'm prompted again.
Maybe in the same way, maybe in a different way. I'm the improv king.
So I'm not any help to you with the details, unfortunately. :)
Bob
Silvia Barrett
Thomas (8) has hardly brushed since the L&L conference�we remind him but
it�s up to him if he does it or not, and I usually only mention it once a
week or so. He had a dentist appt last week and I told the hygienist about
this, and at the end, I asked if she�d noticed much difference in his teeth,
and she said there was just a little more build-up than previously. Of
course we go every 6 months, and this had been just about 8 wks of hardly
brushing. It�ll be interesting to see how it is in another 6 months. Also,
Thomas told me ahead of time he didn�t want to do the fluoride and I said
that was fine. So I told the hygienist and dentist, and they kind of tried
to push it, and commented that it�s important for emerging teeth. I said he
doesn�t have any right now, so how about we ask him next time we come? We
have well water, so no fluoride there. But I�ve heard different opinions on
the safety and need for it, so I�m really not bothered if he doesn�t get the
treatment.
Silvia
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Robyn L. Coburn
Sent: Monday, November 05, 2007 5:40 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Prompting & remembering
I talked to the dentist about the deleterious effect of giving lectures, but
I don't think that stopped her. We have simply decided to go for cleanings
at the dentist more often, and have Jayn's teeth sealed as they come in. The
receptionist told me that many of the kids with erratic brushing habits come
in extra often for cleanings.
I asked Jayn how I could help, such as if she wanted to be reminded about
brushing, and she said she "didn't mind" being reminded, but I notice that
reminders created a resistance.
Now that I stopped saying anything to her, she proudly announces her
brushing again. Protecting her own autonomy seems to be really important to
Jayn.
Robyn L. Coburn
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it�s up to him if he does it or not, and I usually only mention it once a
week or so. He had a dentist appt last week and I told the hygienist about
this, and at the end, I asked if she�d noticed much difference in his teeth,
and she said there was just a little more build-up than previously. Of
course we go every 6 months, and this had been just about 8 wks of hardly
brushing. It�ll be interesting to see how it is in another 6 months. Also,
Thomas told me ahead of time he didn�t want to do the fluoride and I said
that was fine. So I told the hygienist and dentist, and they kind of tried
to push it, and commented that it�s important for emerging teeth. I said he
doesn�t have any right now, so how about we ask him next time we come? We
have well water, so no fluoride there. But I�ve heard different opinions on
the safety and need for it, so I�m really not bothered if he doesn�t get the
treatment.
Silvia
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Robyn L. Coburn
Sent: Monday, November 05, 2007 5:40 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Prompting & remembering
I talked to the dentist about the deleterious effect of giving lectures, but
I don't think that stopped her. We have simply decided to go for cleanings
at the dentist more often, and have Jayn's teeth sealed as they come in. The
receptionist told me that many of the kids with erratic brushing habits come
in extra often for cleanings.
I asked Jayn how I could help, such as if she wanted to be reminded about
brushing, and she said she "didn't mind" being reminded, but I notice that
reminders created a resistance.
Now that I stopped saying anything to her, she proudly announces her
brushing again. Protecting her own autonomy seems to be really important to
Jayn.
Robyn L. Coburn
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.21/1109 - Release Date: 11/4/2007
11:05 AM
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.22/1111 - Release Date: 11/5/2007
4:36 AM
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vicki Dennis
I have the opinion that needing fillings is not absolutely connected to
teeth brushing! As a child I always felt it was terribly unfair that my
older brother brushed very seldom (even when reminded, nagged, threatened)
while I brushed at least twice daily;but I was the one who got cavities.
This was in the days before fluoride in city water or fluoride treatments at
the dentist and way before the use of sealants. I think sealants for the
little crevices on the biting surfaces are a wonderful invention.
My point is that I would not advise telling someone that it is their own
fault that they needed a filling. Besides, I also think the filling process
these days is a lot more refined and less stressful/painful than in the 50s.
vicki
teeth brushing! As a child I always felt it was terribly unfair that my
older brother brushed very seldom (even when reminded, nagged, threatened)
while I brushed at least twice daily;but I was the one who got cavities.
This was in the days before fluoride in city water or fluoride treatments at
the dentist and way before the use of sealants. I think sealants for the
little crevices on the biting surfaces are a wonderful invention.
My point is that I would not advise telling someone that it is their own
fault that they needed a filling. Besides, I also think the filling process
these days is a lot more refined and less stressful/painful than in the 50s.
vicki
On 11/5/07, pentaitalia <shonnalee@...> wrote:
>
> >
> > She also said not to worry about teeth brushing, he'll figure it
> out.
> > If he ever gets a filling well that will certainly prompt him to be
> > more diligent!
>
> This approach hasn't worked in our house. I have 5 kids, and even
> though they have each been through the filling process more than once,
> and they really hate it, it hasn't prompted them to be more diligent at
> all!
>
> Shonna
>
> __MII._,_.___
> .
>
> I ha
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]