getting irritated
Amy
Okay, I'm having some trouble coping. My daughter and I went to the
thrift store because I was looking for a little table. Instead we
found a fabulous horse. No biggie, the table can wait. The trouble is
that when we got home she cut off its mane and rubbed face paint all
over the horse. No, that's not the trouble. The trouble is that it
made me really mad. I was mad because I really had to scrounge and
negotiate to get it and I felt like she just couldn't wait to ruin it.
It was such a nice horse. I know that this wasn't what she was
thinking, and I know that it's hers to do with what she wants. I want
to know how I can work on not having this knee-jerk reaction where I
get so mad over such meaningless stuff. I feel like most of the time I
do pretty good with these situations. But sometimes I just lose it. I
did tell her I was sorry, that it was hers, that if she wanted to write
on it please use something besides face paint (because it's oily and
will rub off on anything that touches it)and that I didn't know why it
frustrated me but it just did.
Any advice is appreciated.
~amy
thrift store because I was looking for a little table. Instead we
found a fabulous horse. No biggie, the table can wait. The trouble is
that when we got home she cut off its mane and rubbed face paint all
over the horse. No, that's not the trouble. The trouble is that it
made me really mad. I was mad because I really had to scrounge and
negotiate to get it and I felt like she just couldn't wait to ruin it.
It was such a nice horse. I know that this wasn't what she was
thinking, and I know that it's hers to do with what she wants. I want
to know how I can work on not having this knee-jerk reaction where I
get so mad over such meaningless stuff. I feel like most of the time I
do pretty good with these situations. But sometimes I just lose it. I
did tell her I was sorry, that it was hers, that if she wanted to write
on it please use something besides face paint (because it's oily and
will rub off on anything that touches it)and that I didn't know why it
frustrated me but it just did.
Any advice is appreciated.
~amy
rn9302000
Is there somewhere she can play with the horse with the face paint
where it will not rub off on other things?
Is it a big horse, or something small to carry around?
I am picturing something big, don't know why!
I think looking it as she does, that the face paint makes the horse
"beautiful" to her, and its fun to rub it on. No it isn't fun to clean
it up, but thats why I'm thinking if there was a certain horse with
face paint area for her to go wild with it, maybe that would work for
everyone?
My dd loves stuffed animals, she has quite the collection, every time
she gets a new one she immediately comes home and cuts all the name
tags off, sometimes they have actual names ( like some of the Ty
ones)........anyway, I don't know why this bug me but it does. I don't
say anything anymore, i used to try to convince her not to do it until
I asked why she does it and she said " because real animals don't have
tags coming out of their butts"
LOL
Diane
where it will not rub off on other things?
Is it a big horse, or something small to carry around?
I am picturing something big, don't know why!
I think looking it as she does, that the face paint makes the horse
"beautiful" to her, and its fun to rub it on. No it isn't fun to clean
it up, but thats why I'm thinking if there was a certain horse with
face paint area for her to go wild with it, maybe that would work for
everyone?
My dd loves stuffed animals, she has quite the collection, every time
she gets a new one she immediately comes home and cuts all the name
tags off, sometimes they have actual names ( like some of the Ty
ones)........anyway, I don't know why this bug me but it does. I don't
say anything anymore, i used to try to convince her not to do it until
I asked why she does it and she said " because real animals don't have
tags coming out of their butts"
LOL
Diane
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<I felt like she just couldn't wait to ruin it.
It will probably help your relationship if you can get past the idea that
this was "meaningless stuff" to begin with, either the horse or your
reaction. Also that the only reason it is OK to alter the item is because it
is hers. These ideas are still allowing you to minimize her experience.
This area of children's artistic creativity is one that is very close to my
heart. Jayn is constantly altering her belongings, and it is very important
to her that I don't merely tolerate it on the cheap stuff, but that I
wholeheartedly embrace and support and celebrate her artistic modifications
of her things - many of which have been purchased for just that purpose.
Some of the dolls she wants to work on cost upwards of $50.00. However the
professional repaint artists can command sums of several hundred dollars for
finished dolls starting with the same base doll, so in the future Jayn's
current experiments may end up being really worth it from a fiscal
standpoint.
But if not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that Jayn believes her art
work and her visual experiments are really important both to herself and to
her father and I.
<<<< if she wanted to write
article for Connections E-zine talking about how her ideas of good organized
storage were different from mine. It might be better in this kind of
situation to go get out the other art supplies that she has and set them out
for her, and talk about what effect she is trying to achieve - and not
miminize her transformative work by calling it "write on it". There are also
spray fixatives and sealers that can go over finishes to help keep them.
Which brings me to another change in focus that you could try - that the
problem with the face paint is not that it rubs off on other stuff, but that
it will mar the finish of the horse and ruin her hard work. This is all part
of the idea that they see themselves shining reflected in our eyes, as Anne
Ohman has said.
<<<<that I didn't know why it
view that it probably is not something superficial, but perhaps something
going deep. Were you not allowed full ownership of your things when young?
Did you have a really clear vision of this horse because it reminded you of
something and you wanted to be able to consider it yours? Something else?
PMS?
It's way better to know your own triggers so that you can let go of them.
Then your dd won't have to take on the idea that Mom gets frustrated and I
just have to live with it. It is much better not to have to apologize,
especially if lurking within the apology is the pretty clear judgment that
you still don't like her art work.
Please, please try and find the wonder of the work, instead of the horse
that was. I know you want to feel better about this and any future similar
scenarios.
Oh - you might try Altered Books as an art form, either with your dd or just
on your own. It is a really good exercise in getting past the idea that
something you buy is sacrosanct.
Robyn L. Coburn
> It was such a nice horse. I know that this wasn't what she wasIt is now more than a nice horse. It is now a fabulous work of unique art.
> thinking, and I know that it's hers to do with what she wants.....such
> meaningless stuff. >>>>
It will probably help your relationship if you can get past the idea that
this was "meaningless stuff" to begin with, either the horse or your
reaction. Also that the only reason it is OK to alter the item is because it
is hers. These ideas are still allowing you to minimize her experience.
This area of children's artistic creativity is one that is very close to my
heart. Jayn is constantly altering her belongings, and it is very important
to her that I don't merely tolerate it on the cheap stuff, but that I
wholeheartedly embrace and support and celebrate her artistic modifications
of her things - many of which have been purchased for just that purpose.
Some of the dolls she wants to work on cost upwards of $50.00. However the
professional repaint artists can command sums of several hundred dollars for
finished dolls starting with the same base doll, so in the future Jayn's
current experiments may end up being really worth it from a fiscal
standpoint.
But if not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that Jayn believes her art
work and her visual experiments are really important both to herself and to
her father and I.
<<<< if she wanted to write
> on it please use something besides face paint (because it's oily andWith Jayn I keep all her supplies really close and on hand. I wrote an
> will rub off on anything that touches it)>>>>
article for Connections E-zine talking about how her ideas of good organized
storage were different from mine. It might be better in this kind of
situation to go get out the other art supplies that she has and set them out
for her, and talk about what effect she is trying to achieve - and not
miminize her transformative work by calling it "write on it". There are also
spray fixatives and sealers that can go over finishes to help keep them.
Which brings me to another change in focus that you could try - that the
problem with the face paint is not that it rubs off on other stuff, but that
it will mar the finish of the horse and ruin her hard work. This is all part
of the idea that they see themselves shining reflected in our eyes, as Anne
Ohman has said.
<<<<that I didn't know why it
> frustrated me but it just did. >>>>It is *really* worth working out why it frustrated you - from the point of
view that it probably is not something superficial, but perhaps something
going deep. Were you not allowed full ownership of your things when young?
Did you have a really clear vision of this horse because it reminded you of
something and you wanted to be able to consider it yours? Something else?
PMS?
It's way better to know your own triggers so that you can let go of them.
Then your dd won't have to take on the idea that Mom gets frustrated and I
just have to live with it. It is much better not to have to apologize,
especially if lurking within the apology is the pretty clear judgment that
you still don't like her art work.
Please, please try and find the wonder of the work, instead of the horse
that was. I know you want to feel better about this and any future similar
scenarios.
Oh - you might try Altered Books as an art form, either with your dd or just
on your own. It is a really good exercise in getting past the idea that
something you buy is sacrosanct.
Robyn L. Coburn
>
> Any advice is appreciated.
>
> ~amy
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
Gold Standard
<<<<I felt like she just couldn't wait to ruin it.
I just wanted to second all of Robyn's post, and in particular this
statement above.
Years ago, when my kids were around 5 to 10 years old, one of them started
to paint his bedroom door. Almost a permanent fixture in a house a door
is...right? And all the bedroom doors faced the living room and dining room
(open room concept) so it was in full view of any future guests. For a split
second, I thought to stop the painting. Thankfully, I let that thought go
and went full-board into support mode. I told my dear son how I loved the
changes he was making to his door. I pleasantly noticed the colors he was
choosing and the design. Soon he got to a point where he couldn't reach
higher on the door, and standing on a chair wasn't working, so I asked him
if he'd like me to take it off the hinges and lay it down like a canvas.
Well, let me tell you that was exciting. Soon all four kids' bedroom doors
were laid out in different places inside and outside of the house, paint
buckets and brushes everywhere, as they all created away. Once the other
three saw what their brother was doing, they all wanted to do it.
Our living room was much more interesting and colorful with our new doors.
Most guests *got* us pretty quickly when entering our house, and most
admired the kids' doors and various other things around the house. My
daughter, who is now 15, just brought this memory up a couple months ago.
She said at the time she didn't think there was anything unusual about what
we did, but over the years she realized how unique our home was this way,
and what a gift the freedom they had was, and is.
It was just a horse when you bought it. Now it is something priceless. I bet
when your daughter first eyed that horse in the shop her wheels were already
turning with vision. THAT is the important thing to support.
But you know that. I'm glad your looking at why you were irritated. That's
just got to go :~)
Jacki
> It was such a nice horse. I know that this wasn't what she wasart.<<<
> thinking, and I know that it's hers to do with what she wants.....such
> meaningless stuff. >>>>
>>>It is now more than a nice horse. It is now a fabulous work of unique
I just wanted to second all of Robyn's post, and in particular this
statement above.
Years ago, when my kids were around 5 to 10 years old, one of them started
to paint his bedroom door. Almost a permanent fixture in a house a door
is...right? And all the bedroom doors faced the living room and dining room
(open room concept) so it was in full view of any future guests. For a split
second, I thought to stop the painting. Thankfully, I let that thought go
and went full-board into support mode. I told my dear son how I loved the
changes he was making to his door. I pleasantly noticed the colors he was
choosing and the design. Soon he got to a point where he couldn't reach
higher on the door, and standing on a chair wasn't working, so I asked him
if he'd like me to take it off the hinges and lay it down like a canvas.
Well, let me tell you that was exciting. Soon all four kids' bedroom doors
were laid out in different places inside and outside of the house, paint
buckets and brushes everywhere, as they all created away. Once the other
three saw what their brother was doing, they all wanted to do it.
Our living room was much more interesting and colorful with our new doors.
Most guests *got* us pretty quickly when entering our house, and most
admired the kids' doors and various other things around the house. My
daughter, who is now 15, just brought this memory up a couple months ago.
She said at the time she didn't think there was anything unusual about what
we did, but over the years she realized how unique our home was this way,
and what a gift the freedom they had was, and is.
It was just a horse when you bought it. Now it is something priceless. I bet
when your daughter first eyed that horse in the shop her wheels were already
turning with vision. THAT is the important thing to support.
But you know that. I'm glad your looking at why you were irritated. That's
just got to go :~)
Jacki
Amy
--- In [email protected], "Robyn L. Coburn"
<dezigna@...> wrote:
I hadn't thought of that. I don't want to minimize her experience.
I think I do have trouble being positive and I think it probably is
because I would have gotten in trouble for it. In a reaction I think
I tend to go the opposite route and try to think of things in an "I
don't care what you do to it" attitude. I see that's wrong also. I
should care more, but in a positive way. It's so hard for me. I
come from a very cranky family and have fought for a long time to be
more positive. It doesn't come naturally.
<<< It might be better in this kind of
lingering in my head, so thank you. When I am caught off guard with
something, I have that knee jerk reaction that I really wish I
wouldn't have. (by the way, it turns out that the face paint is the
only thing that achieved the effect she wanted. We tried markers but
they didn't quite cut it. So today we worked on it together and I
apologized again and she said it was okay, she wasn't still mad at me
for rubbing it off!)
ruin her hard work?
<<<This is all part
thing to stick in my head. I hope it can stay there for every
reaction.
so incredibly frustrated at things like this. It doesn't make sense
in my own mind. It's possible that I didn't have full ownership of
things when I was younger. The horse I loved only because I knew how
much she would love it. And today I really think her enhancement of
it is pretty darn cute. She gave the horse personality and a part of
herself. PMS? lol! That was last week! I think that's why I was
so shocked at my reaction. I sort of predict that happening and can
temper myself, but PMS shouldn't last that long!
guess at what things might happen (very generally) I can make it okay
in my own mind and then whatever happens is okay. I'm going to work
on making whatever happens Great.
about the horse, but about my reaction. I don't know how to explain
it. I really don't think I had any special idea about the horse
except that she would love it. And I really don't understand why I
got mad, but I'll sure be thinking about it.
thought about using 'real' books! How fun. My Mom would just die!
Thank you,
Amy
<dezigna@...> wrote:
> It is now more than a nice horse. It is now a fabulous work ofunique art.
>idea that
> It will probably help your relationship if you can get past the
> this was "meaningless stuff" to begin with, either the horse oryour
> reaction. Also that the only reason it is OK to alter the item isbecause it
> is hers. These ideas are still allowing you to minimize herexperience.>>>>
I hadn't thought of that. I don't want to minimize her experience.
I think I do have trouble being positive and I think it probably is
because I would have gotten in trouble for it. In a reaction I think
I tend to go the opposite route and try to think of things in an "I
don't care what you do to it" attitude. I see that's wrong also. I
should care more, but in a positive way. It's so hard for me. I
come from a very cranky family and have fought for a long time to be
more positive. It doesn't come naturally.
<<< It might be better in this kind of
> situation to go get out the other art supplies that she has and setthem out
> for her, and talk about what effect she is trying to achieve - andnot
> miminize her transformative work by calling it "write on it".>>>>This is helpful. I do okay if I can have these kinds of ideas
lingering in my head, so thank you. When I am caught off guard with
something, I have that knee jerk reaction that I really wish I
wouldn't have. (by the way, it turns out that the face paint is the
only thing that achieved the effect she wanted. We tried markers but
they didn't quite cut it. So today we worked on it together and I
apologized again and she said it was okay, she wasn't still mad at me
for rubbing it off!)
>that the
> Which brings me to another change in focus that you could try -
> problem with the face paint is not that it rubs off on other stuff,but that
> it will mar the finish of the horse and ruin her hard work.It's a fur horse, so do you mean because it will rub off it will
ruin her hard work?
<<<This is all part
> of the idea that they see themselves shining reflected in our eyes,as Anne
> Ohman has said.I took me a bit to get this sentence, but I do now and it's a great
thing to stick in my head. I hope it can stay there for every
reaction.
> <<<<that I didn't know why itpoint of
> > frustrated me but it just did. >>>>
>
> It is *really* worth working out why it frustrated you - from the
> view that it probably is not something superficial, but perhapssomething
> going deep. Were you not allowed full ownership of your things whenyoung?
> Did you have a really clear vision of this horse because itreminded you of
> something and you wanted to be able to consider it yours? Somethingelse?
> PMS?Yes, this is what I'm getting at. I don't know why sometimes I get
so incredibly frustrated at things like this. It doesn't make sense
in my own mind. It's possible that I didn't have full ownership of
things when I was younger. The horse I loved only because I knew how
much she would love it. And today I really think her enhancement of
it is pretty darn cute. She gave the horse personality and a part of
herself. PMS? lol! That was last week! I think that's why I was
so shocked at my reaction. I sort of predict that happening and can
temper myself, but PMS shouldn't last that long!
>them.
> It's way better to know your own triggers so that you can let go of
> Then your dd won't have to take on the idea that Mom getsfrustrated and I
> just have to live with it. It is much better not to have toapologize,
> especially if lurking within the apology is the pretty clearjudgment that
> you still don't like her art work.>>>I really find that his helps most of the time. If I can sort of
guess at what things might happen (very generally) I can make it okay
in my own mind and then whatever happens is okay. I'm going to work
on making whatever happens Great.
>horse
> Please, please try and find the wonder of the work, instead of the
> that was. I know you want to feel better about this and any futuresimilar
> scenarios.Thank you, yes, this is what I'm working towards. I am not concerned
about the horse, but about my reaction. I don't know how to explain
it. I really don't think I had any special idea about the horse
except that she would love it. And I really don't understand why I
got mad, but I'll sure be thinking about it.
>dd or just
> Oh - you might try Altered Books as an art form, either with your
> on your own. It is a really good exercise in getting past the ideathat
> something you buy is sacrosanct.lol! I'm always doing this with newspapers and phonebooks. I never
thought about using 'real' books! How fun. My Mom would just die!
Thank you,
Amy
Amy
>started
> Years ago, when my kids were around 5 to 10 years old, one of them
> to paint his bedroom door. Almost a permanent fixture in a house adoor
> is...right?It's funny, I would love to be able to do this. I'm in a rental so I
have to be more careful than I would like. I'm still trying to
figure out why I got so mad about the horse. I think I was just
feeling tired and broke and frustrated and I took it out on the first
thing I could. It's not acceptable to me, but I did it, so then I
had to add regretful to the list of miserable feelings I was having.
>priceless. I bet
> It was just a horse when you bought it. Now it is something
> when your daughter first eyed that horse in the shop her wheelswere already
> turning with vision. THAT is the important thing to support.Aha! That's why she was so sad when I thought I didn't have the
extra $1 for the face paint, good thing I talked them down in price
for the horse. Now I wonder what the plan for the bunnies was?
Maybe we'll have to go back for them...
>That's
> But you know that. I'm glad your looking at why you were irritated.
> just got to go :~)Thank you. It does have to go. People here are so good at helping
me with this problem. I have the vision of the mom I want to be, but
the mom I am needs help. But, I am a much better mom than I used to
be. (Thanks to all of you)
~Amy
Amy
--- In [email protected], "rn9302000" <rn930@...> wrote:
really fun! But it's a mostly inside toy in a very small house. But
I asked her if I could either help her rub it in all the way or pick
the big pieces off so it won't get in places we don't want it (like
the carpet) and she thought that was great.
She definately made it her own! Today I think it's great. I just
wish I could get rid of that initial reaction. It's probably my
mother or my grandma coming out in me.
<<<anyway, I don't know why this bug me but it does.>>>
This is the main problem for me, not understanding myself.
<<<<I don't
quirks too. I love unschooling, but I'm not sure I wanted to get to
know myself so well! <g>
Thank you.
~Amy
>Because it's big! It's a big furry horse that she can sit on. It's
> Is there somewhere she can play with the horse with the face paint
> where it will not rub off on other things?
> Is it a big horse, or something small to carry around?
> I am picturing something big, don't know why!
really fun! But it's a mostly inside toy in a very small house. But
I asked her if I could either help her rub it in all the way or pick
the big pieces off so it won't get in places we don't want it (like
the carpet) and she thought that was great.
> I think looking it as she does, that the face paint makes the horseclean
> "beautiful" to her, and its fun to rub it on. No it isn't fun to
She definately made it her own! Today I think it's great. I just
wish I could get rid of that initial reaction. It's probably my
mother or my grandma coming out in me.
<<<anyway, I don't know why this bug me but it does.>>>
This is the main problem for me, not understanding myself.
<<<<I don't
> say anything anymore, i used to try to convince her not to do ituntil
> I asked why she does it and she said " because real animals don'thave
> tags coming out of their butts"LOL! She's right! It's nice to know other people of these little
> LOL
quirks too. I love unschooling, but I'm not sure I wanted to get to
know myself so well! <g>
Thank you.
~Amy
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<< It's a fur horse, so do you mean because it will rub off it will
My point being that if you focus on the object from the position of what
makes it important to your dd you might speak to her differently about it.
<<<<> lol! I'm always doing this with newspapers and phonebooks. I never
http://www.alteredbookartists.com/
Robyn L. Coburn
> ruin her hard work? >>>I guess I was envisioning a wooden horse and the oily face paint smudging.
My point being that if you focus on the object from the position of what
makes it important to your dd you might speak to her differently about it.
<<<<> lol! I'm always doing this with newspapers and phonebooks. I never
> thought about using 'real' books! How fun. My Mom would just die! >>>>Oho! All the more reason to do it.
http://www.alteredbookartists.com/
Robyn L. Coburn
>
> Thank you,
>
> Amy
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
[email protected]
<<I'm still trying to figure out why I got so mad about the horse. I think I was just
feeling tired and broke and frustrated and I took it out on the first
thing I could. It's not acceptable to me, but I did it, so then I
had to add regretful to the list of miserable feelings I was having.>>
When I've had reactions like that, I've found that it's often because I'm imposing thoughts and attitudes on my kids that aren't really there.? It might go something like this: "She doesn't care that I just went through all this trouble for her," or "she's selfish," which might lead to "oh no, I'm turning my kid into a selfish brat" and fears like? "I'm screwing up" or "I'm a bad parent."? Twisted thinking, I admit, but often it goes that way for me.
So...if I start with the first few thoughts:? "she doesn't care that I just went through all this trouble for her" and "she's selfish," I ask myself if it's really true, and if that's really the only possible reason she could have done what she did.? Almost every time I can honestly answer, well, no, that's not necessarily what was going on in her head, she might have been thinking this or that or some other thing (or even better, if I'm not already upset, I can ask her) and that's when I realize I'm reacting to incorrect assumptions (that are really coming from my own insecurities) and I'm able to let it go.? I've found it works for my reactions to other people too.
Patty
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! - http://mail.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
feeling tired and broke and frustrated and I took it out on the first
thing I could. It's not acceptable to me, but I did it, so then I
had to add regretful to the list of miserable feelings I was having.>>
When I've had reactions like that, I've found that it's often because I'm imposing thoughts and attitudes on my kids that aren't really there.? It might go something like this: "She doesn't care that I just went through all this trouble for her," or "she's selfish," which might lead to "oh no, I'm turning my kid into a selfish brat" and fears like? "I'm screwing up" or "I'm a bad parent."? Twisted thinking, I admit, but often it goes that way for me.
So...if I start with the first few thoughts:? "she doesn't care that I just went through all this trouble for her" and "she's selfish," I ask myself if it's really true, and if that's really the only possible reason she could have done what she did.? Almost every time I can honestly answer, well, no, that's not necessarily what was going on in her head, she might have been thinking this or that or some other thing (or even better, if I'm not already upset, I can ask her) and that's when I realize I'm reacting to incorrect assumptions (that are really coming from my own insecurities) and I'm able to let it go.? I've found it works for my reactions to other people too.
Patty
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! - http://mail.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Robyn wrote:
a basic design (usually fiberglass) of a horse, or cow, or couch or
something that some cities have done as civic art and fundraising?
I don't know the general term for those projects. In New Mexico we
had horses a few years back and they were great.
http://oregonmag.com/MilkDude.htm
Ah--several are linked in the fourth or so post here:
http://www.squidoo.com/animalparades/
It has the New Mexico project linked, which was "The Trail of
Painted Ponies." There are others.
Maybe you could get MORE thrift store horses to customize.
Maybe look at custom cars and see what people do with this.
Motorcycles, too...
Sandra
> Oh - you might try Altered Books as an art form, either with yourdd or just
> on your own. It is a really good exercise in getting past the ideathat
> something you buy is sacrosanct.And what about the really wonderful projects involving decoration of
a basic design (usually fiberglass) of a horse, or cow, or couch or
something that some cities have done as civic art and fundraising?
I don't know the general term for those projects. In New Mexico we
had horses a few years back and they were great.
http://oregonmag.com/MilkDude.htm
Ah--several are linked in the fourth or so post here:
http://www.squidoo.com/animalparades/
It has the New Mexico project linked, which was "The Trail of
Painted Ponies." There are others.
Maybe you could get MORE thrift store horses to customize.
Maybe look at custom cars and see what people do with this.
Motorcycles, too...
Sandra
Ed Wendell
In Kansas City it was cows.
Lisa W.
Lisa W.
----- Original Message -----
From: Sandra Dodd
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, October 01, 2007 7:33 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: getting irritated
I don't know the general term for those projects. In New Mexico we
had horses a few years back and they were great.
http://oregonmag.com/MilkDude.htm
Sandra
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy
I really love these.
Seconds after I get mad because something bothers me I realize that I
like what she does (or at the very least, don't mind - but I'm
working on being more positive than just 'not minding') and I am
unsure why I get mad. I know that it has little to do with my dd,
and everything to do with me. It might be upbringing or mood. What
I want most is to learn to control that initial, irrational
reaction. The horse was just an example. Another might be the time
she spread sunflower seeds all over the floor of the whole house.
lol! (She was decorating. She's 4. I was only outside for a few
minutes.)
I tend to have a bad temper. I would love to see it go away. I have
gotten some excellent advice, and I always welcome more.
I feel like the more positive ideas I can keep in my head, the easier
it will be for me to learn to have an initial happy reaction.
Thank you,
Amy
--- In [email protected], "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...>
wrote:
Seconds after I get mad because something bothers me I realize that I
like what she does (or at the very least, don't mind - but I'm
working on being more positive than just 'not minding') and I am
unsure why I get mad. I know that it has little to do with my dd,
and everything to do with me. It might be upbringing or mood. What
I want most is to learn to control that initial, irrational
reaction. The horse was just an example. Another might be the time
she spread sunflower seeds all over the floor of the whole house.
lol! (She was decorating. She's 4. I was only outside for a few
minutes.)
I tend to have a bad temper. I would love to see it go away. I have
gotten some excellent advice, and I always welcome more.
I feel like the more positive ideas I can keep in my head, the easier
it will be for me to learn to have an initial happy reaction.
Thank you,
Amy
--- In [email protected], "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...>
wrote:
>idea
> Robyn wrote:
>
> > Oh - you might try Altered Books as an art form, either with your
> dd or just
> > on your own. It is a really good exercise in getting past the
> thatof
> > something you buy is sacrosanct.
>
> And what about the really wonderful projects involving decoration
> a basic design (usually fiberglass) of a horse, or cow, or couch or
> something that some cities have done as civic art and fundraising?
>
>
> I don't know the general term for those projects. In New Mexico we
> had horses a few years back and they were great.
> http://oregonmag.com/MilkDude.htm
>
> Ah--several are linked in the fourth or so post here:
> http://www.squidoo.com/animalparades/
> It has the New Mexico project linked, which was "The Trail of
> Painted Ponies." There are others.
>
> Maybe you could get MORE thrift store horses to customize.
>
> Maybe look at custom cars and see what people do with this.
> Motorcycles, too...
>
> Sandra
>
kristie_liotta
I'm new to the list but this conversation caught my attention because
I am sure my 6.5 unschooled and artistic daughter would do the same
thing and I may have the same reaction at any given time if I am not
at my best. My point is..when I'm not proud of my reaction I
apologize (as you did I ) and remind myself of the bigger picture. I
am not perfect. My dd is not perfect. What a comfort for her to
know that her mother makes mistakes, apologizes and tries to learn
from those moments. I forgive myself so she learns to forgive
herself. I hold myself accountable for my actions so she too will
hold herself accountable for her actions. It's part of this journey
through life that I love sharing with her as we learn together. Pat
yourself on the back for caring so much that you are agonizing over a
one moment of soo many...as moms we expect so much from ourselves we
forget to "pat our own backs" If I could I'd pat your for you :)
PS As I write this for you I write for myself as well. Kristie
I am sure my 6.5 unschooled and artistic daughter would do the same
thing and I may have the same reaction at any given time if I am not
at my best. My point is..when I'm not proud of my reaction I
apologize (as you did I ) and remind myself of the bigger picture. I
am not perfect. My dd is not perfect. What a comfort for her to
know that her mother makes mistakes, apologizes and tries to learn
from those moments. I forgive myself so she learns to forgive
herself. I hold myself accountable for my actions so she too will
hold herself accountable for her actions. It's part of this journey
through life that I love sharing with her as we learn together. Pat
yourself on the back for caring so much that you are agonizing over a
one moment of soo many...as moms we expect so much from ourselves we
forget to "pat our own backs" If I could I'd pat your for you :)
PS As I write this for you I write for myself as well. Kristie
--- In [email protected], "Ed Wendell" <ewendell@...> wrote:
>
> In Kansas City it was cows.
>
> Lisa W.
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Sandra Dodd
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Monday, October 01, 2007 7:33 PM
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: getting irritated
>
>
>
> I don't know the general term for those projects. In New Mexico we
> had horses a few years back and they were great.
> http://oregonmag.com/MilkDude.htm
>
>
> Sandra
> .
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Kelly Shultz
Hi Amy,
I know what it is like to have initial reactions, and then need to
change them. Over the last 3-4 years, I've definitely had some
instances where I've had reactions and not seen the potential. They
are getting to be less and less frequent, hopefully non-existent soon.
Your thread reminded me of a transition that has happened for us, and
of course, I credit unschooling as the reason it did. Several years
ago, we might have been very traditional parents, very concerned with
our things and protecting them. But as time went on, and we began to
say yes to more and more of the things the kids wanted to do, we
began to stretch our limits. When we stretched our limits, we began
to see that the boundaries for creativity and experience are so much
greater than what we would have allowed as traditional parents. We
were always interested in being creative with our children, and
having fun with them, but there were more instances where we would
have an automatic no. With practice saying yes to things that might
seem initially destructive or wasteful of a resource, we saw the
potential, and eventually began to encourage and participate.
Perfect example, on our middle daughter's 4th birthday, I bought some
of the shredded tissue confetti. Not sure what we were going to do
with it, but it was pretty and we decided that we wanted it when we
went through the party store. On the morning of her birthday, she
and her older sister absolutely ecstatically scattered it throughout
our ENTIRE apartment on the floor. (Not necessarily destructive, but
definitely very very messy, and we are still finding those little
things to this day.) Craig and I both gulped a little bit, but then
realized that it was so festive, that it was the best idea anyone
could have come up with. The next year, she wanted to have a "sea"
theme for her birthday, so we made some really cute fish decorations
and it was OUR idea to shred a ream of yellow construction paper to
spread on the floor so it could be "sand."
There are numerous other projects where I've had that initial "hmmm,
now what do you need the whatchamacallit for???" and then I realize
that my children are doing something that is so creative that I am
totally amazed. Tape creations, foil contraptions, boxes of rice to
play in on the kitchen floor (and elsewhere), potions in the bathroom
(with my stuff, as well as stuff that I buy for them), rock/funnel
water filters, you name it. If you shut it down, though, it's not
going to happen, and how will that limit your daughter's potential.
What avenue will you close off permanently, because of an early "no,
that's going to ruin something, or use it wastefully?"
You can have a whole bunch of possessions, and you will live your
life and die and they will just be the stuff that you had, or, you
can have possessions with memories. We may have crazy dangly things
hanging from our shelves that other people don't think are
decorative, collages on the wall, or cat-food cakes in my best cake
pans cooling on the kitchen counter, but there are memories now
attached to those things that are so precious that they outweigh
anything that we used to think or feel about protecting the stuff.
Those cake pans are now the cake pans that Amelia made her many cat-
food (and other concoction) cakes in, which is so much more memorable
than what I might do with them. Of course, there is a need to help
your daughter understand and respect where the real limits are for
the rental property that you are inhabiting, but it is possible for
you to do that gently and with an eye to identifying really great
alternatives to what she might suggest, if it seems destructive to
the property.
I think that you are on the right track by realizing the mistake
seconds after you get mad. Maybe your next step would be to try to
catch yourself in mid-sentence. Then the next step might be to
anticipate a "situation." After that, you'll probably be identifying
opportunities for your daughter yourself. You already went out of
your way to get her the horse that she would love, and others have
pointed out how to look at her artistic expression with it
differently. The caring is there, maybe just changing the habit of
how you react, and allowing yourself to slow down some and allow the
yes or positive thought to come in.
I also think that it is helpful to do the work on yourself and what
is causing you to "be" a certain way. Irritability in a toddler or
child has a cause, and sometimes it is the situation, sometimes it is
a more underlying reason (food, sleep, boredom, lack of attention).
I think that it can be the same way with adults. I know that I've
had situations where something else has irritated me, and then I've
been irritable with my family, misdirecting the negative energy. Or,
we try to fit too much in during a day, and then it might kind of
collapse at the end, because I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, etc. It
always helps to sit back and do some analysis on myself. Sometimes
painful, but always helpful.
Kelly
I know what it is like to have initial reactions, and then need to
change them. Over the last 3-4 years, I've definitely had some
instances where I've had reactions and not seen the potential. They
are getting to be less and less frequent, hopefully non-existent soon.
Your thread reminded me of a transition that has happened for us, and
of course, I credit unschooling as the reason it did. Several years
ago, we might have been very traditional parents, very concerned with
our things and protecting them. But as time went on, and we began to
say yes to more and more of the things the kids wanted to do, we
began to stretch our limits. When we stretched our limits, we began
to see that the boundaries for creativity and experience are so much
greater than what we would have allowed as traditional parents. We
were always interested in being creative with our children, and
having fun with them, but there were more instances where we would
have an automatic no. With practice saying yes to things that might
seem initially destructive or wasteful of a resource, we saw the
potential, and eventually began to encourage and participate.
Perfect example, on our middle daughter's 4th birthday, I bought some
of the shredded tissue confetti. Not sure what we were going to do
with it, but it was pretty and we decided that we wanted it when we
went through the party store. On the morning of her birthday, she
and her older sister absolutely ecstatically scattered it throughout
our ENTIRE apartment on the floor. (Not necessarily destructive, but
definitely very very messy, and we are still finding those little
things to this day.) Craig and I both gulped a little bit, but then
realized that it was so festive, that it was the best idea anyone
could have come up with. The next year, she wanted to have a "sea"
theme for her birthday, so we made some really cute fish decorations
and it was OUR idea to shred a ream of yellow construction paper to
spread on the floor so it could be "sand."
There are numerous other projects where I've had that initial "hmmm,
now what do you need the whatchamacallit for???" and then I realize
that my children are doing something that is so creative that I am
totally amazed. Tape creations, foil contraptions, boxes of rice to
play in on the kitchen floor (and elsewhere), potions in the bathroom
(with my stuff, as well as stuff that I buy for them), rock/funnel
water filters, you name it. If you shut it down, though, it's not
going to happen, and how will that limit your daughter's potential.
What avenue will you close off permanently, because of an early "no,
that's going to ruin something, or use it wastefully?"
You can have a whole bunch of possessions, and you will live your
life and die and they will just be the stuff that you had, or, you
can have possessions with memories. We may have crazy dangly things
hanging from our shelves that other people don't think are
decorative, collages on the wall, or cat-food cakes in my best cake
pans cooling on the kitchen counter, but there are memories now
attached to those things that are so precious that they outweigh
anything that we used to think or feel about protecting the stuff.
Those cake pans are now the cake pans that Amelia made her many cat-
food (and other concoction) cakes in, which is so much more memorable
than what I might do with them. Of course, there is a need to help
your daughter understand and respect where the real limits are for
the rental property that you are inhabiting, but it is possible for
you to do that gently and with an eye to identifying really great
alternatives to what she might suggest, if it seems destructive to
the property.
I think that you are on the right track by realizing the mistake
seconds after you get mad. Maybe your next step would be to try to
catch yourself in mid-sentence. Then the next step might be to
anticipate a "situation." After that, you'll probably be identifying
opportunities for your daughter yourself. You already went out of
your way to get her the horse that she would love, and others have
pointed out how to look at her artistic expression with it
differently. The caring is there, maybe just changing the habit of
how you react, and allowing yourself to slow down some and allow the
yes or positive thought to come in.
I also think that it is helpful to do the work on yourself and what
is causing you to "be" a certain way. Irritability in a toddler or
child has a cause, and sometimes it is the situation, sometimes it is
a more underlying reason (food, sleep, boredom, lack of attention).
I think that it can be the same way with adults. I know that I've
had situations where something else has irritated me, and then I've
been irritable with my family, misdirecting the negative energy. Or,
we try to fit too much in during a day, and then it might kind of
collapse at the end, because I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, etc. It
always helps to sit back and do some analysis on myself. Sometimes
painful, but always helpful.
Kelly
On Oct 1, 2007, at 8:47 PM, Amy wrote:
> I really love these.
> Seconds after I get mad because something bothers me I realize that I
> like what she does (or at the very least, don't mind - but I'm
> working on being more positive than just 'not minding') and I am
> unsure why I get mad. I know that it has little to do with my dd,
> and everything to do with me. It might be upbringing or mood. What
> I want most is to learn to control that initial, irrational
> reaction. The horse was just an example. Another might be the time
> she spread sunflower seeds all over the floor of the whole house.
> lol! (She was decorating. She's 4. I was only outside for a few
> minutes.)
> I tend to have a bad temper. I would love to see it go away. I have
> gotten some excellent advice, and I always welcome more.
> I feel like the more positive ideas I can keep in my head, the easier
> it will be for me to learn to have an initial happy reaction.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Amy
>
> --
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
riasplace3
--- In [email protected], "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...> wrote:
vacation this year...they're SO cool!
http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_107197.asp
: )
Ria
> And what about the really wonderful projects involving decoration ofHere's a similar one. We saw several of these while we were on
> a basic design (usually fiberglass) of a horse, or cow, or couch or
> something that some cities have done as civic art and fundraising?
vacation this year...they're SO cool!
http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_107197.asp
: )
Ria
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm new to the list .... What a comfort for her to know that her mother makes mistakes, apologizes and tries to learn from those moments. -=-
I doubt it feels like "a comfort" to a child whose mother is flipping out on her. It's a benefit to her when she gets to the point that she is consciously thinking about things like "everyone makes mistakes," but to justify motherly over-reaction with "what a comfort" could be a problem.
-=-Pat yourself on the back for caring so much that you are agonizing over a
one moment of soo many...as moms we expect so much from ourselves we
forget to "pat our own backs"-=-
This list isn't for agonizing or back patting, although both do occasionally happen. It's for helping moms understand their role in EVERY moment of their children's unschooling lives. Encapsulating single incidents as though they aren't themselves learning opportunities for being a better mom is more limiting than it is expansive. Let's go for the big integrated peaceful lives.
http://sandradodd.com/nest
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I doubt it feels like "a comfort" to a child whose mother is flipping out on her. It's a benefit to her when she gets to the point that she is consciously thinking about things like "everyone makes mistakes," but to justify motherly over-reaction with "what a comfort" could be a problem.
-=-Pat yourself on the back for caring so much that you are agonizing over a
one moment of soo many...as moms we expect so much from ourselves we
forget to "pat our own backs"-=-
This list isn't for agonizing or back patting, although both do occasionally happen. It's for helping moms understand their role in EVERY moment of their children's unschooling lives. Encapsulating single incidents as though they aren't themselves learning opportunities for being a better mom is more limiting than it is expansive. Let's go for the big integrated peaceful lives.
http://sandradodd.com/nest
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa
Hi Amy,
I'm a bit of a new lurker here, so 'hi' everyone.
I am going through this exact same thing right now, except my child
is a boy. I often have very negative and nasty immediate reactions
to harmless things he has done. I am positive it has everything to
do with the negative and nasty upbringing I had :).
Anyway,
tried really hard for a year or two and the constant resistance to
myself put me in a worse state than I had been in before. What has
worked lately is more witnessing and questioning my thoughts and
reactions, as someone else has already mentioned. It won't work the
first time, because you need to have a reaction to question- but
then, after something happened, I would sit down and inquire into the
thought or reaction and let my mind unravel it on its own ... then,
usually, the next time my son did something similar I found there
was no reaction, or a different reaction, or an embracing of my son's
actions, rather than an instant resistance to it.
Have you heard of 'the work' by Byron Katie? look her up, I found
two of her books at the library and they are both great intros to
this kind of mind-questioning. Another big help for me has been
Raising Our children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort - kind of
'the work' for parents.
Lisa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm a bit of a new lurker here, so 'hi' everyone.
I am going through this exact same thing right now, except my child
is a boy. I often have very negative and nasty immediate reactions
to harmless things he has done. I am positive it has everything to
do with the negative and nasty upbringing I had :).
Anyway,
>I want most is to learn to control that initial, irrationalcontrolling my reactions or thoughts has never has worked for me. I
>reaction
tried really hard for a year or two and the constant resistance to
myself put me in a worse state than I had been in before. What has
worked lately is more witnessing and questioning my thoughts and
reactions, as someone else has already mentioned. It won't work the
first time, because you need to have a reaction to question- but
then, after something happened, I would sit down and inquire into the
thought or reaction and let my mind unravel it on its own ... then,
usually, the next time my son did something similar I found there
was no reaction, or a different reaction, or an embracing of my son's
actions, rather than an instant resistance to it.
Have you heard of 'the work' by Byron Katie? look her up, I found
two of her books at the library and they are both great intros to
this kind of mind-questioning. Another big help for me has been
Raising Our children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort - kind of
'the work' for parents.
Lisa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kristie_liotta
There is more than one way to view a situation..I was reading about a
mother who may have been spending so much time on one point that other
moments were passing by (moments where improved behavior could be
tried out and tested)...of course it is of each person's benefit to
improve behavior, I was merely offering support. After a tough moment
with my children I debrief with them. I do think they are comforted
and we all learn from the situation. I think communication with your
children is essential and it IS part of unschooling.
mother who may have been spending so much time on one point that other
moments were passing by (moments where improved behavior could be
tried out and tested)...of course it is of each person's benefit to
improve behavior, I was merely offering support. After a tough moment
with my children I debrief with them. I do think they are comforted
and we all learn from the situation. I think communication with your
children is essential and it IS part of unschooling.
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-I'm new to the list .... What a
comfort for her to know that her mother makes mistakes, apologizes
and tries to learn from those moments. -=-
>
> I doubt it feels like "a comfort" to a child whose mother is
flipping out on her. It's a benefit to her when she gets to the point
that she is consciously thinking about things like "everyone makes
mistakes," but to justify motherly over-reaction with "what a comfort"
could be a problem.
> -=-Pat yourself on the back for caring so much that you are
agonizing over a
> one moment of soo many...as moms we expect so much from ourselves we
> forget to "pat our own backs"-=-
> This list isn't for agonizing or back patting, although both do
occasionally happen. It's for helping moms understand their role in
EVERY moment of their children's unschooling lives. Encapsulating
single incidents as though they aren't themselves learning
opportunities for being a better mom is more limiting than it is
expansive. Let's go for the big integrated peaceful lives.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/nest
> http://sandradodd.com/mindfulness
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=- controlling my reactions or thoughts has never has worked for me. I
tried really hard for a year or two and the constant resistance to
myself put me in a worse state than I had been in before. -=-
Maybe it's because you're still trying to be controlling, even if it's of your own self.
You tried control yourself and you resisted yourself.
Relax. Breathe deeply. Make a simple choice to do better.
-=-What has worked lately is more witnessing and questioning my thoughts and
reactions, as someone else has already mentioned. It won't work the
first time, because you need to have a reaction to question--=-
If it won't work the first time, your child still suffers "the first time."
People have thoughts and reactions every half a second. Question them all. Witness and consider them all. Make choices. Make choices that move you toward being more at peace with your child.
Neither trying to control yourself nor acting first and thinking later is the best choice.
http://sandradodd.com/choice
http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
http://sandradod.com/mindfulness
There are ideas there and links to more ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tried really hard for a year or two and the constant resistance to
myself put me in a worse state than I had been in before. -=-
Maybe it's because you're still trying to be controlling, even if it's of your own self.
You tried control yourself and you resisted yourself.
Relax. Breathe deeply. Make a simple choice to do better.
-=-What has worked lately is more witnessing and questioning my thoughts and
reactions, as someone else has already mentioned. It won't work the
first time, because you need to have a reaction to question--=-
If it won't work the first time, your child still suffers "the first time."
People have thoughts and reactions every half a second. Question them all. Witness and consider them all. Make choices. Make choices that move you toward being more at peace with your child.
Neither trying to control yourself nor acting first and thinking later is the best choice.
http://sandradodd.com/choice
http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
http://sandradod.com/mindfulness
There are ideas there and links to more ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy Graber
In Iowa it was...pigs...of course :-) !
When I was younger I wrote my name on everything (walls, furniture,
dolls, every piece of paper, even those darn giant wooden spoons my
parents had)! I think I got in trouble when it was their stuff. The
weird thing now, my daughter does the same thing!! When I see her name
carved into her dresser or desk (etc.), it just brings back memories and
makes me smile!
amy g
in iowa
When I was younger I wrote my name on everything (walls, furniture,
dolls, every piece of paper, even those darn giant wooden spoons my
parents had)! I think I got in trouble when it was their stuff. The
weird thing now, my daughter does the same thing!! When I see her name
carved into her dresser or desk (etc.), it just brings back memories and
makes me smile!
amy g
in iowa
Lisa
>If it won't work the first time, your child still suffers "the first time."Sandra, you make it all sound so easy, like it's all a matter of
>People have thoughts and reactions every half a second. Question
>them all. Witness and consider them all. Make choices. Make choices
>that move you toward being more at peace with your child.
>Neither trying to control yourself nor acting first and thinking
>later is the best choice.
willpower, choice, and just doing it - for everyone. In my
experience, I had to *learn* to do it, over time, and 'the work' by
Byron Katie was my way to learn it. I couldn't choose to do it
because I didn't know how. I found it impossible to not ride the wave
of emotion that blinded me to what was going on inside me. I'm
sharing this so that maybe the OP or others who have a similar
experience to mine can also find their way - not because I want to argue.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
>People have thoughts and reactions every half a second. QuestionSandra, you make it all sound so easy, like it's all a matter of
>them all. Witness and consider them all. Make choices. Make choices
>that move you toward being more at peace with your child.
>Neither trying to control yourself nor acting first and thinking
>later is the best choice.
willpower, choice, and just doing it - for everyone.
Making a choice is a matter of choice and just doing it.
I don't think it requires willpower to realize that a person can make a choice.
http://sandradodd.com/choice
It's possible to make it seem that people have to take a course or learn to make choices in some formal way. There are always people who will take your money. There are lots of people on this list who can help others learn it for free.
Think of two choices. Choose the best one. Next time think of two choices (maybe the choice from the time before and a better one). Choose the best one.
If you do that several times a day, soon you'll be doing it countless times a day.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kacsshultz
>When it comes to "controlling a reaction," I think that if you reaction
> >I want most is to learn to control that initial, irrational
> >reaction
> controlling my reactions or thoughts has never has worked for me. I
> tried really hard for a year or two and the constant resistance to
> myself put me in a worse state than I had been in before. What has
> worked lately is more witnessing and questioning my thoughts and
> reactions, as someone else has already mentioned. It won't work the
> first time, because you need to have a reaction to question- but
> then, after something happened, I would sit down and inquire into the
> thought or reaction and let my mind unravel it on its own ... then,
> usually, the next time my son did something similar I found there
> was no reaction, or a different reaction, or an embracing of my son's
> actions, rather than an instant resistance to it
is to shout or demean your child or crush an impulse intensely, then it
is appropriate to control yourself and your reaction. The discussion
has been using words like nasty and irritated, so I'm assuming that
negative statements and shouting are possibly what we're talking about.
An intense reaction to a safety situation, on the other hand, might not
be so unwarranted. Although, nasty and irritable could be replaced
with compassionate and caring.
In the case where you're controlling your reaction, though, are you
simply shutting yourself down and saying "must do this, can't say
this," as opposed to giving yourself the leeway to think through what
other more appropriate way to communicate your concern to your child
might be?
It would be helpful to hear an example of controlling a reaction in a
real life scenario. Any example to share?
There is a reason for your reaction, and of course, you must begin to
examine and question the reasons for your reactions, because many of
them could be invalid. However, it seems to me that there is more
communication with the child that needs to come out perhaps, rather
than just shutting down the parent's reaction, and better ways of
communicating parental concerns is a whole other completely valid
topic, I think, and probably relevant to this topic.
Kelly
Amy
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Choose the best one.
I realized that my reaction came about because, besides being
exhausted, I was so proud of the good find ($16 for a $100 horse!)
that I had wanted to show it off to some people. While I like my
dd's creative endeavours, I knew we would get a negative reaction
from some of the people I had wanted to show it to. Well, once I
figured that out my brain grew a little more and I saw how ridiculous
that thought process was. I know how bad I feel when I get a
negative reaction, and I didn't want that to happen to my daughter,
or me. So I gave her the negative reaction. This is so stupid.
I am her defender of negativity, and if she gets any negativity
thrown her way I will champion her efforts - loudly, proudly,
enthusiastically.
The upside of it, is that I've learned a lot. I'm changing my
statement about wanting to control that initial negative reaction
to "I want to change that initial negative reaction." I didn't think
it was possible because it felt so out of control, but it is
possible.
It made me think about how tired I get of the "devil's advocates" in
my life. I would love to hear someone say "Gee, what a great idea,
Amy!" once in awhile. At 36 years old, I still get really hurt by
other people's negativity. I would feel awful if someone criticized
my artwork, or yelled at me for breaking or spilling something. My
dd must feel so much worse when that happens. Knowing this makes it
easy to change.
Another thing I thought of is that unschooling isn't much different
than taking care of my grandmother. I constantly made different
kinds of food that I thought she might like because I just wanted her
to eat. I called her friends because I thought she might like
company. If she wanted to do anything, I dropped what I was doing
and we did it because I wanted her to be happy. If she made a mess?
I comforted her and happily cleaned it up. I didn't even have to
think about it, it's just what felt right.
Thanks to all of you for your pats on the back and advice and
creative ideas. I am making lots of better choices, in taking better
care of myself and in being a better person to my girl.
~amy
> Making a choice is a matter of choice and just doing it.make a choice.
> I don't think it requires willpower to realize that a person can
> Think of two choices. Choose the best one. Next time think of twochoices (maybe the choice from the time before and a better one).
Choose the best one.
>countless times a day.
> If you do that several times a day, soon you'll be doing it
>Just an update on the horse, in case this will be helpful to anyone.
> Sandra
I realized that my reaction came about because, besides being
exhausted, I was so proud of the good find ($16 for a $100 horse!)
that I had wanted to show it off to some people. While I like my
dd's creative endeavours, I knew we would get a negative reaction
from some of the people I had wanted to show it to. Well, once I
figured that out my brain grew a little more and I saw how ridiculous
that thought process was. I know how bad I feel when I get a
negative reaction, and I didn't want that to happen to my daughter,
or me. So I gave her the negative reaction. This is so stupid.
I am her defender of negativity, and if she gets any negativity
thrown her way I will champion her efforts - loudly, proudly,
enthusiastically.
The upside of it, is that I've learned a lot. I'm changing my
statement about wanting to control that initial negative reaction
to "I want to change that initial negative reaction." I didn't think
it was possible because it felt so out of control, but it is
possible.
It made me think about how tired I get of the "devil's advocates" in
my life. I would love to hear someone say "Gee, what a great idea,
Amy!" once in awhile. At 36 years old, I still get really hurt by
other people's negativity. I would feel awful if someone criticized
my artwork, or yelled at me for breaking or spilling something. My
dd must feel so much worse when that happens. Knowing this makes it
easy to change.
Another thing I thought of is that unschooling isn't much different
than taking care of my grandmother. I constantly made different
kinds of food that I thought she might like because I just wanted her
to eat. I called her friends because I thought she might like
company. If she wanted to do anything, I dropped what I was doing
and we did it because I wanted her to be happy. If she made a mess?
I comforted her and happily cleaned it up. I didn't even have to
think about it, it's just what felt right.
Thanks to all of you for your pats on the back and advice and
creative ideas. I am making lots of better choices, in taking better
care of myself and in being a better person to my girl.
~amy