halfshadow1

My son(almost 6yo.) has a hard time stopping play fighting and it
makes dh and papa mad. Dh plays with him like this, Lukas will punch
and kick but when dh says: okay,that's enough then stop,Lukas will say
NO and keep right on fighting until dh is very angry and keeps telling
him to stop to the point of holding him away from himself and taking
him away but Lukas just comes right back.I will hold Lukas away from
dh and tell him to stop and he will say"okay,i will" but goes for him
again Then dh yells:do ya want a whipping?!
I have told Lukas what it feels like to daddy when he doesn't stop, i
have said daddy loves playing with you but when he wants to stop,you
need to respect him. If dh yells Lukas runs crying to me and i have
said..well,you don't listen.
I know i can do better.When Lukas is playing with papa he will take
his eyeglasses even tho papa has told him not to and we told him that
papa needs them to see. He justs laughs and grabs for them again. I
want and need more peace,lol
Lukas wants jump on dh's back or on him alot of times dh isn't into
it.I do acknowledge Lukas' feelings. I also have to think of dh and
i'm so sick of the stress.

Robyn L. Coburn

<<<< > My son(almost 6yo.) has a hard time stopping play fighting and it
> makes dh and papa mad. Dh plays with him like this, Lukas will punch
> and kick but when dh says: okay,that's enough then stop,Lukas will say
> NO and keep right on fighting >>>>

This whole scenario sounds very familiar. I expect he is "not stopping"
because he is not done connecting with his Dad.

We found that Jayn at 6 was aggressive in her play when she felt that she
hadn't had enough of Daddy's attention. When this combined with not having
had much physical activity earlier in the day for whatever reason it go
quite tough on dh. She really needed the physicality.

It helped my dh to realize that although Jayn seemed to be "attacking" him,
she really didn't have it in her to be calmly verbal about wanting his
individed focus. Once he accepted that Jayn really was trying to give him a
message as best as *she* knew how in that moment, he was able to "reply" to
the real message instead of getting cross with her or endlessly trying to
get her to change and ask for attention with words. That change in his label
for Jayn's action (from "attack" to "trying to communicate") forstalled the
negative spiral.

We did several things about the "not stopping" issue. The big one was to
keep on focussing on her, and for dh not to withdraw his attention in an
offended huff just when she needed him most. Sometimes he would change the
physicality to be more like holding her so that she could push against him,
other times he would call me and we would both hold her - not punitively but
giving her pressure for big movements, and still be protecting ourselves
from her disorganized flailing. She would become more organized and
controlled and start directing our physical response eg "now Daddy hold my
shoulders, Mommy move my feet" until it was much more smiling and we could
feel her body relax.

The other thing we did was purchase a punching post - inflatable with a
water filled base for stability - and some gloves. She enjoyed that for a
while, and then slowly she let it go. Dh also continues to try and do
physical things with Jayn such as taking her to the park by himself with
stomp rockets or other outdoor toys. Sometimes he coaches her to do some
calisthenics or sit ups while he counts, when she is willing and happy to do
that. She and I do swimming and yoga together, so our physical interaction
is much more quiet and gentle. When Jayn swims with her father they have
several diving games they play together, as well as vigorous tossing her
over the water type games.

Jayn and dh had a special self devised board game that they used to play
together, without me, a lot. It involved many tiny figures and a piece of
cardboard with designs drawn on it - and I have no idea how it worked. But I
think it was just them being together alone that was the key.

I would guess the repeated "contrary" behavior that Lukas is showing you is
likely a code for "I want more of Daddy's attention". I would suggest
putting the glasses aside and playing instead of repeating information that
he probably knows by now. His emotional need is overriding his intellectual
knowledge. The beginning of the wrestling is like the floodgate opening - it
is very hard to shut it against a rushing flow - but it will slow to a
trickle if your dh can just persevere in the game without becoming angry.

It might be helpful to have a list of physical games - like ball games,
running in the hose outside, stomp rockets (we use a hoop as a distant
target), climbing of some kind, jump rope, you will think of more - on hand
for your dh to suggest to Lukas at the first sign of restivness. Just
something that they can do together. If Lukas likes jumping what about a
small trampoline - your dh could hold his hand while Lukas jumps on it, or
make up some kind of game where he throws a bean bag or some soft thing to
him while he jumps - anything that keeps them connected even while Lukas
expends some of his excess energy.

I have a suspicion that your next post is likely to include the idea that
your dh is tired after a long day of work and deserves to be able to relax
;) ..... however I would like to suggest to you and him that using the
positive energy of engaging in happy play has got to be less draining than
the habitual conflict, and may even be energizing. One other alternative is
to have a lot more physical activity for Lukas during the day before Dad
gets home, BUT then to have ready and planned some quiet activities for the
pair of them to connect over. He has to make the mental committment to give
him that attention if he really expects Lukas to not be demanding it.

It really is astonishing how much more time our children really want from us
than we think they should!

Robyn L. Coburn