Kim H

I'd love some thoughts on a situation that we're going through at the
moment. Lewi, my son, is 7. He's always been quite volatile emotionally and
very expressive when it comes to his emotions - particular the angry ones.
When he has playdates with only one other child there seems to be very
little difficulty. He seems to rarely get angry and hardly ever not gets to
an overwhelmed state. If an issue does arise both children seem to be able
to problem solve mostly on their own and work through things smoothly
together.

However, whenever we play with more than one child - bet it a friend with
his/her siblings or our unschooling groups with quite arange of children he
tends to be dominant and bossy and is quick to get angry when things aren't
going his way both with me and with the other children. He can really get
quite angry and 'in your face' and it can be really intimidating for others
around us (and me too).

I feel like I've gone through abit of a parenting slump (very unfortunately)
and got into some negative parenting (probably really disconnecting at those
times rather than connecting due to my lack of ability to handle his
emotions at the moment in public). I feel like I'm back to my old self much
more again but I feel like I need some extra help in working out what to do
to help Lewi in these situations as well as keeping everyone else around us
feeling OK and safe.

I love Naomi Aldort's book and use validation alot although I've felt, in my
parenting 'slump' that it was no way near enough for those really tense
situations and I'd forgotten some of the other strategies I'd used in the
past. On re-reading Connection Parenting and some of the Non Violent
Communication and PET I have got back into stating things from a needs point
of view eg: When I see you yell at ....I feel worried because I have a need
for everyone to feel safe. etc. That sort of thing. As well as the usual
validating etc. The thing is I've felt so concerned about other people's
children that I'd become abit controling in my approach and expectations
when Lew got angry. This certainly did not help and only caused
disconnection between us.

I feel that having plays in a one on one situation would be good for the
time being but he really enjoys getting together with our unschooling groups
and families with more than one child. I've been talking with two families
about strategies etc we can use. I'm just not sure whether I should put Lew
into those situations again so soon.

I'd love some help to work through some of this as I'm finding it really
stressful and I know Lewi must be too (although he always comes away from
situations when he's been angry and upset at someone/me with happy thoughts
and a feeling of having fun). I just want to remain connected and not feel
cranky and irritated myself which I think was a pattern I was getting into
(which sickened me about myself).

Thanks so much in advance.

Kim

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Kim H" <kimlewismark@...>
wrote:
>> However, whenever we play with more than one child - bet it a
friend with
> his/her siblings or our unschooling groups with quite arange of
children he
> tends to be dominant and bossy and is quick to get angry when
things aren't
> going his way both with me and with the other children.

What has helped most with Ray over the years has been to have one
adult committed to helping him navigate groups. Often that has been
me or my partner, but now and then another adult friend will step
up. If Ray has *one* person he can engage with one-on-one at a
moment's notice he's less likely to get angry and confrontational in
a group setting.

As he's gotten older, I notice he does this more on his own - he
finds an adult friend to hang with and uses that friend as a
resource. At the skatepark, for example, he's gotten friendly with a
couple of the adult skaters and checks in with them if there's a
problem, like some other kid being rude about using the space.
Nowadays he usually only needs a brief interaction: "hey, is it just
me, or is that guy being a total jerk?" and then he can go back to
whatever he was doing, without needing to try to take control of the
situation.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 13)