Sandra Dodd

I've brought this from e-mail. Please share ideas!

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I didn't know if you wanted this on the group, you
are welcome to put it there, if you desire. Remember not too long ago
i wrote that my son was always asking me to play with him?

You suggested getting him a friend. I did. The boy is a few years
older than my son who is 5yo. When i have my son's friend over it is
hectic! My son wants him over but doesn't treat him nice all the time.
He will push him, throw something at him, try to make him fall. I am
constantly saying Stop it! Taking my son aside and telling him that's
not a good way to keep friends or You hurt him! I get madder and feel
like yelling, i am constantly playing referee.

I ask my son why he treats his friend that way, i say we don't treat
him like that and if he wants to keep his friend he can't do that. The
friend has been very patient with my son's behaviour.

I forgot what age kids don't mine sharing...i think 6yo? So, The boy
has been bringing some of his own toys because my son will not share.
My son even takes the boys toy and won't give it back! Argh!

What to do? Any and all advice would be welcome.

Everything that the boy is playing with, my son wants to take away
from him. Now, there are nice times when they are looking at a book
together or watching a video but the peace doesn't last long,lol

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Sandra, for anonymous...

Sandra Dodd

-=-You suggested getting him a friend. I did. The boy is a few years
older than my son who is 5yo. When i have my son's friend over it is
hectic!-=-

Is he really your son's friend, or a kid you set him up with?
Would they like each other if they met in a park?

Maybe meeting in a park would be really helpful, where there are
things to do and play with and on but nobody's personal toys. Maybe
they need neutral territory.

-=He will push him, throw something at him, try to make him fall. I am
constantly saying Stop it! Taking my son aside and telling him that's
not a good way to keep friends or You hurt him! I get madder and feel
like yelling, i am constantly playing referee.-=-

If you're "constantly" saying something, it's not working. Don't
repeat yourself. Say something each time that you've never said before.

Parents sometimes get into scripted little plays, almost, saying
things they've said before. If he ignored you the last two or three
times, it will be even easier to ignore the next time.

COMMUNICATE, don't just speak.

-=-I ask my son why he treats his friend that way,-=-

Do you really think he knows?
You don't know, and you're way older than five.

-=- i say we don't treat
him like that and if he wants to keep his friend he can't do that. -=-

"We" ?
Do you really say "We don't treat him like that"?
Would you say that to your husband or an adult friend?

I'm guessing you're baby-talking him, maybe.

-=-Everything that the boy is playing with, my son wants to take away
from him.-=-

Have you asked the older boy for ideas?

It's likely that for a while you need to be very close or even right
in the play. I know you're looking for a way not to have to play
with your son, but maybe you don't have that option for a while.

When a mom's frustrated with the time and direct contact it's taking
to have a child, sometimes I've reminded her that if he can walk and
feed himself and wipe his own butt, she's got it easy compared to
moms whose kids are not hale and whole, who REALLY need constant
attention and will for years, for life maybe.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

>When i have my son's friend over it is
> hectic! My son wants him over but doesn't treat him nice all the
time.

If he's not used to playing with other kids regularly, he's still
learning a whole bunch of social skills and probably needs some help
with that.

By "not all the time" do you mean sometimes he's nice and sometimes
not? Any patterns there? Morgan will take a while to get comfortable
with a friend, especially if the friend is very social/ in a very
chatty mood. So I often have to run interferrence for the first
fifteen minutes or so. If I don't she's cranky and unsettled and
doesn't get along with her friend until we or they leave, so that
first fifteen minutes is pretty important to *her* - no matter how
much I may be jonesing for some "mommy time".

OTOH one of Mo's friends is really easygoing unless she's hungry or
tired, so *her* mom has to check in with her more later on during a
playdate.

> He will push him, throw something at him, try to make him fall. I
am
> constantly saying Stop it! Taking my son aside and telling him
that's
> not a good way to keep friends or You hurt him!

I find it more helpful to think in terms of helping kids communicate
with each other, rather than policing their interactions. As Sandra
pointed out, you may have to be right there with them for awhile to
help them figure out how to communicate with each other *before*
things get to the pushing/hitting/throwing stage. It may also be
helpful to talk with your ds before the playdate and decide then
which toys he's comfortable sharing *this time* - with many
reassurances, if necessary, that the other child isn't going to be
taking those toys home. That's something Mo worries about, when
friends come over - especially with her favorite cat.

I do encourage Mo and her playmates to say "stop" and "I don't like
that" as clearly as possible. When the kids can remember to do that,
it gives me a little more freedom to be farther away, in another
room, or whatever. That can take some time and practice, though -
and occasional backup on my part "I heard a stop!" or "stop means
stop". Sound kind of silly, when I write it down, but when Mo or one
of her pals really gets wound up, they don't always notice the other
child's reaction. So that's something to look at wrt your ds - is he
so wrapped up in his own feelings that he's just not aware of how
he's effecting the other child?

Another possibility is that he's noticing, but lacks impulse
control. Then its even more important for you to be present and help
mediate things *before* he gets to that point. Not the respite you
may have been looking for!

> I ask my son why he treats his friend that way, i say we don't
treat
> him like that and if he wants to keep his friend he can't do that.

I think its better to assume your ds is doing the best he can with
the skills and resources he has *right now*. Skills take some time
and modelling and practice. Resources include enough food, rest,
sense of security, and Mom (there are others, like maturity, but
those are the resources you can affect). Can the other mom help out?

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

halfshadow1

-He would play with him at the park, that's how they met. Steven looks
forward to coming over to play with Lukas and vice versa. They have
played at the park many times and i agree it is better there. Steven
and Lukas both enjoy the pool we have. I am right there with them when
the screaming and arguing breaks out. I say alot of STOP IT's.i only
said "we" don't treat him like that once. I see what you mean about it
being baby talk tho.I love playing with my son but i was also looking
for a little "break" and for him to play with kids. We play most of
the time and i enjoy him. Ijust have this...he should play with
kids...idea in me. Of course my husband says he acts that way because
he's not around alot of kids or in school.Is it okay if he has no
friends at this time?
You say to communicate not talk to him...how? What can isay, ineed
some tools. I asked the boys' mom to bring some of his own toys, he
did but Lukas takes those too and the boy cries and Lukas will not
give it back. I don't know if he needs more socialization or less.
what do you all think?-- In [email protected], Sandra
Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-You suggested getting him a friend. I did. The boy is a few years
> older than my son who is 5yo. When i have my son's friend over it is
> hectic!-=-
>
> Is he really your son's friend, or a kid you set him up with?
> Would they like each other if they met in a park?
>
> Maybe meeting in a park would be really helpful, where there are
> things to do and play with and on but nobody's personal toys. Maybe
> they need neutral territory.
>
> -=He will push him, throw something at him, try to make him fall. I am
> constantly saying Stop it! Taking my son aside and telling him that's
> not a good way to keep friends or You hurt him! I get madder and feel
> like yelling, i am constantly playing referee.-=-
>
> If you're "constantly" saying something, it's not working. Don't
> repeat yourself. Say something each time that you've never said before.
>
> Parents sometimes get into scripted little plays, almost, saying
> things they've said before. If he ignored you the last two or three
> times, it will be even easier to ignore the next time.
>
> COMMUNICATE, don't just speak.
>
> -=-I ask my son why he treats his friend that way,-=-
>
> Do you really think he knows?
> You don't know, and you're way older than five.
>
> -=- i say we don't treat
> him like that and if he wants to keep his friend he can't do that. -=-
>
> "We" ?
> Do you really say "We don't treat him like that"?
> Would you say that to your husband or an adult friend?
>
> I'm guessing you're baby-talking him, maybe.
>
> -=-Everything that the boy is playing with, my son wants to take away
> from him.-=-
>
> Have you asked the older boy for ideas?
>
> It's likely that for a while you need to be very close or even right
> in the play. I know you're looking for a way not to have to play
> with your son, but maybe you don't have that option for a while.
>
> When a mom's frustrated with the time and direct contact it's taking
> to have a child, sometimes I've reminded her that if he can walk and
> feed himself and wipe his own butt, she's got it easy compared to
> moms whose kids are not hale and whole, who REALLY need constant
> attention and will for years, for life maybe.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>