Julie Ratliff

Help. My 9 year old daughter hates to change her clothes. I don't mind if she wears the exact same outfit for as long as she lives, however I would like to wash them every now and then.

She wore a one piece bathing suit for over a year about 3 years ago. I just washed it every other day and she wore it with pants and sometimes a shirt over it. It fell apart in the washing machine and by then she was ok with that.

What I have been doing now is asking the kids to take a shower or bath on Wednesday nights and Saturday any time. I also ask them to brush their teeth and put clean clothes on every morning. Both of them use their clothes as napkins (no big deal...I don't care about stains) so by the end of the day they are pretty crunchy.

Natalie took a shower tonight while I was at work. When I came home and saw that she had put on her dirty (crunchy with food bits) clothes...even her dirty underwear I reacted badly. I told her it was gross. She said she put on her dirty clothes because she only has to put clean clothes on in the morning. I told her putting dirty clothes on a clean body does not make sense to me. I really hurt her feelings.

On one hand I would like to honor her need to wear the same clothes (it's the idea of changing she hates...not an attachment to a specific set of clothes this time) on the other hand how do I let go of my need to see her in clean clothes?

She has a nervous habit of picking her lips and wiping the blood off on her shirt...whenever she picks a scab she spreads the blood all over her clothes. It looks gross. I can understand the fascination with blood...I did the same thing when I was a kid....but ewwww...she walks around looking like an assault victim who got in a food fight. I'm stuck in my thinking pattern. Please help me see other ways of handling this.
Thank you
Julie

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jen mobley

Man, this is a hard one! At first, two suggestions popped into my head. One,
grab her clothes as soon as she gets into the shower and throw those suckers
into the wash. May not work though as it would take hot/cold water away from
her shower and two, they take a while to dry. Hmmmm. I was also remembering
a book that I saw at Barnes and Noble that was written for younger girls
(maybe ages 10-14) that discussed hygiene and why it's important without
being gross. My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you have an
itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And that's
that. I don't like it but when I first started saying things to her, I could
tell that she didn't get why the public found this to be innappropriate.
Kids just do things that they like I guess and it seems to ring true for
your daughter as well. About the lip thing, that sounds plain painful!!! It
all brings up a great point, how do you tell a kid that society deems some
things to be plain "gross"..and do we believe these things too out of what
we have learned growing up? HMMM like why is it ok for a man to adjust
himself in public when, if a woman did it it would be just plain disgusting
(like she's dirty or something??)


>From: "Julie Ratliff" <JULIERATLIFF@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: <[email protected]>
>Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Wearing the same clothes day after day (Long)
>Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2007 23:38:41 -0500
>
>Help. My 9 year old daughter hates to change her clothes. I don't mind if
>she wears the exact same outfit for as long as she lives, however I would
>like to wash them every now and then.
>
> She wore a one piece bathing suit for over a year about 3 years ago. I
>just washed it every other day and she wore it with pants and sometimes a
>shirt over it. It fell apart in the washing machine and by then she was ok
>with that.
>
>What I have been doing now is asking the kids to take a shower or bath on
>Wednesday nights and Saturday any time. I also ask them to brush their
>teeth and put clean clothes on every morning. Both of them use their
>clothes as napkins (no big deal...I don't care about stains) so by the end
>of the day they are pretty crunchy.
>
>Natalie took a shower tonight while I was at work. When I came home and
>saw that she had put on her dirty (crunchy with food bits) clothes...even
>her dirty underwear I reacted badly. I told her it was gross. She said
>she put on her dirty clothes because she only has to put clean clothes on
>in the morning. I told her putting dirty clothes on a clean body does not
>make sense to me. I really hurt her feelings.
>
>On one hand I would like to honor her need to wear the same clothes (it's
>the idea of changing she hates...not an attachment to a specific set of
>clothes this time) on the other hand how do I let go of my need to see her
>in clean clothes?
>
>She has a nervous habit of picking her lips and wiping the blood off on her
>shirt...whenever she picks a scab she spreads the blood all over her
>clothes. It looks gross. I can understand the fascination with blood...I
>did the same thing when I was a kid....but ewwww...she walks around looking
>like an assault victim who got in a food fight. I'm stuck in my thinking
>pattern. Please help me see other ways of handling this.
>Thank you
>Julie
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

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jessi koons

I think it kindof depends on the source of her resistance to clothing changes. If she feels like it's too much trouble to locate pants, and a shirt, and undies, and socks, maybe it's just easier to put on the stuff she'd already been wearing. If that's the case, maybe it would help to group her clothes in complete outfits, or set out something for her, or see if she's got any ideas to make getting some clothes together easier. If it's the feeling or smell (or something) of clean clothes she doesn't like, maybe see if a different detergent or dryer sheet would change things. Or maybe softer fabrics. I've got family members with very strong convictions about how clothes can feel (especially regarding seems, collars, sleeves, anything that can potentially chafe or rub or constrict), so maybe it's got something to do with already-worn clothes being less irritating. I'd recommend seeing if you can get any more information about her reasons, and then seeing if a workable
solution presents itself.
--Jessi

Julie Ratliff <JULIERATLIFF@...> wrote:
Help. My 9 year old daughter hates to change her clothes. I don't mind if she wears the exact same outfit for as long as she lives, however I would like to wash them every now and then.

She wore a one piece bathing suit for over a year about 3 years ago. I just washed it every other day and she wore it with pants and sometimes a shirt over it. It fell apart in the washing machine and by then she was ok with that.

What I have been doing now is asking the kids to take a shower or bath on Wednesday nights and Saturday any time. I also ask them to brush their teeth and put clean clothes on every morning. Both of them use their clothes as napkins (no big deal...I don't care about stains) so by the end of the day they are pretty crunchy.

Natalie took a shower tonight while I was at work. When I came home and saw that she had put on her dirty (crunchy with food bits) clothes...even her dirty underwear I reacted badly. I told her it was gross. She said she put on her dirty clothes because she only has to put clean clothes on in the morning. I told her putting dirty clothes on a clean body does not make sense to me. I really hurt her feelings.

On one hand I would like to honor her need to wear the same clothes (it's the idea of changing she hates...not an attachment to a specific set of clothes this time) on the other hand how do I let go of my need to see her in clean clothes?

She has a nervous habit of picking her lips and wiping the blood off on her shirt...whenever she picks a scab she spreads the blood all over her clothes. It looks gross. I can understand the fascination with blood...I did the same thing when I was a kid....but ewwww...she walks around looking like an assault victim who got in a food fight. I'm stuck in my thinking pattern. Please help me see other ways of handling this.
Thank you
Julie

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






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Sandra Dodd

-=-Help. My 9 year old daughter hates to change her clothes. I don't
mind if she wears the exact same outfit for as long as she lives,
however I would like to wash them every now and then.-=-

Can she take a shower in the clothes?

I live in New Mexico where wet things get dry quickly, so that seems
a potential solution from my geographical and practical point of
view. If you live in a very humid place that won't work, but if
you're in the desert somewhere, maybe you could wash them while
they're on her, somehow.

For most of a year, when Marty was four, he wore a one-piece tiger
costume outfit. When he was playing outside in the water or taking
a long bath with toys, I would wash it.

-=-Both of them use their clothes as napkins (no big deal...I don't
care about stains) so by the end of the day they are pretty crunchy. -=-

It's not just about stains, though, it's about living in the world
with other people. There are ways to discuss that without seeming
mean, I think. If they had lots of shirts and would change after
each meal, that would make more sense. But planning around wiping on
clothes instead of tissues or handkerchiefs seems bad.

Would they like cloth napkins? Thrift stores or garage sales...
What about handkerchiefs or scarves (cotton scarf tied around the
neck just for napkin or blood-wiping?) Thrift stores. You can find
cartoon character scarves or other cool scarves, and washing those
would be way quicker and easier than washing clothes so much, and
would wean them off to paper napkins, maybe.

-=-I reacted badly. I told her it was gross.-=-

Well it was gross. Probably not as gross for a nine year old girl,
though, as it would be for a grown woman (in the same-underwear matter).

An honest mom reaction like "GROSS!" can't be so awful. A mom can
overdo it, certainly, but for a mom Never to respond from her honest
feelings is too far the other direction.

Maybe read this article on balance if you're feeling too guilty about
an honest gross-out moment:
http://sandradodd.com/balance

-=-On one hand I would like to honor her need to wear the same
clothes (it's the idea of changing she hates...not an attachment to a
specific set of clothes this time) on the other hand how do I let go
of my need to see her in clean clothes? -=-

Maybe you could change the words and thoughts. It shouldn't be so
much "your need to see her in clean clothes." It's not about your
eyes, or your mind. It's about bacteria and appearance and
sanitation. The germs and crustiness she's collecting on dirty
clothing gets back out into and onto other things in the house--beds,
furniture...

-=-She has a nervous habit of picking her lips and wiping the blood
off on her shirt...whenever she picks a scab she spreads the blood
all over her clothes. It looks gross. I can understand the
fascination with blood..-=-

In such cases as blood or stains, I always would say "Blood stains
and I want to wash it out while it's fresh." I'd soak it in cold
water a while and really make sure I got it out.

I figured part of my job as a mom was to maintain clothing, and cloth
can only take so much abuse before it starts to break down or gets
uncleanable. Different cloth is different ways, and there are men's
work clothes designed to take lots of abuse. Jeans can take lots of
chemicals and washing all kinds of ways. Some cloth, no, though.
But I would tell the kids, honestly, that it was better for stains
not to stay on cloth too long if we wanted to make the cloth last
longer and look better.

I don't guess your daughter cares, but you might (I definitely did)
say you're unwilling to take her out looking that way. Are you
staying at home so much that these things don't matter?

Maybe get out of the house more. Ask her the night before what she
wants to wear, and say you need to wash that so she can wear
something clean when you go out.

I told my kids (honestly and truly) that homeschoolers get the
critical eye from others, and I didn't want any trouble with the
county about not being a good mom. That was my defense about how
they dressed in public or out in the front yard or on the street in
front, and it's a valid one. There are laws about parents taking
care of their children.

Sandra






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you
have an
itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And
that's
that. -=-

That's THAT!?

People, people, people...
Some things are illegal.
Some things aren't illegal, but still have an intractable wrongness
to them.

You can't just say "and that's that" about a child rubbing himself or
herself sexually or seemingly-sexually in public.

-=-I don't like it but when I first started saying things to her, I
could
tell that she didn't get why the public found this to be
innappropriate. -=-

If you can explain why and she understands it, then she should stop.
If you can't explain why, or you can and she just doesn't understand
it, then she should stop *BECAUSE* you can't explain it, but that it
could get you a big damned visit from child social services.

-=-Kids just do things that they like I guess -=-

Parents need to just explain to kids that some things they like to do
cannot and must not be done in front of other people.

-=-HMMM like why is it ok for a man to adjust
himself in public when, if a woman did it it would be just plain
disgusting
(like she's dirty or something??)-=-

It's not "ok" for a man to do it, but when a woman needs to do it
it's sometimes because there's an uncleanliness situation.

Maybe a girl who's doing that a lot has rawness or irritation she
doesn't know is not normal. Maybe "light days" pads would help, or
just changing underwear.

-=-how do you tell a kid that society deems some
things to be plain "gross"..and do we believe these things too out of
what
we have learned growing up? -=-

It doesn't matter if you "believe" the thing or not. It is a fact
that touching certain parts of one's body is *NOT* okay in public and
it's not going to become okay in any of our kids' lifetimes. It's
not what the kids want to do nor what the parents believe, about
things like this:

Picking one's nose at a formal dinner (or a McDonald's). Not good.

Putting a bare foot on a dining table during a meal (or even a foot
with a show on it). Unacceptable.

Flashing parts that should be covered (women's breasts, anyone's
pubic area)--probably illegal.

Rubbing any sexual parts in front of any people one is not engaging
in sex with--probably illegal for minors and mostly for adults if
money is being exchanged, depending on the jurisdiction and whether
it's a strip club or peep show.

I don't want to flat out ask whether there are really parents who
have considered not telling their kids about such things.
Holly spit the other day in a parking lot. Right there. Right on
the ground in a parking lot. I told her to find some dirt next time,
a trash can maybe, or to spit near a tree where nobody was going to
need to walk. I complained quickly and definitely.

In 1935 men used to spit on the ground, and nasty brown tobacco crap
too, but in 2007, people should NOT spit where other people are walking.

Sandra





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

marji

At 15:46 6/24/2007, you wrote:
>-=-My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
>vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you
>have an
>itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
>GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And
>that's
>that. -=-
>
>That's THAT!?
>
>People, people, people...
>Some things are illegal.
>Some things aren't illegal, but still have an intractable wrongness
>to them.

A *huge* part of our gig as parents is tugging the coat of our kids
so they know what's appropriate in the big world and, more
importantly, what isn't. I think, in fact, that it was Sandra who
illustrated this point for somebody when she suggested that we see
our kids as honored guests from a vastly different culture with
vastly different customs. We owe it to our guests to let them know
in a confidential way that their different customs will not be cool
here! Not to shame them, just to let them know that it just plain
ain't cool here.

Hocking a loogie on the street just ain't cool, and neither is
grabbing one's crotch. I'd *want* to know about these things if it
wasn't already in my consciousness, and I'd be ever grateful to the
one who cared enough about me and my experience to help me understand.

I have noticed that Liam, my son, now looks to me for guidance on
these things. He trusts me to tell him straight and tell him kindly
and in a non-embarrassing way what's okay and what isn't. He *wants*
to know. I'm really glad that we have developed that aspect of our
relationship.

Marji a/k/a the Concierge at Liam's house


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-A *huge* part of our gig as parents is tugging the coat of our kids
so they know what's appropriate in the big world and, more
importantly, what isn't. I think, in fact, that it was Sandra who
illustrated this point for somebody when she suggested that we see
our kids as honored guests from a vastly different culture with
vastly different customs. We owe it to our guests to let them know
in a confidential way that their different customs will not be cool
here! Not to shame them, just to let them know that it just plain
ain't cool here.
-=-

A friend of mine's visiting Zimbabwe. I googled a bit and wrote to
him and said "Don't eat with your left hand."

In the U.S. people are two-fisted eaters. There (and many other
places) food is not touched with the left hand during a meal. YUCK!
Might as well hock a loogie in the stew.

Kids learn LOTS by getting out and about, and they need to know what
behavior and dress and posture and noise level and vocabulary are
expected and acceptable when they're out and about.

Sandra

P.S. The friend is not American. He's a Brit resident here. Brit's
eat even more lefthandedly than Americans. And I've never known of
an American to visit Zimbabwe, but Brits seem to do it with some
habitual regularity.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn L. Coburn

<<<<< P.S. The friend is not American. He's a Brit resident here. Brit's
> eat even more lefthandedly than Americans. And I've never known of
> an American to visit Zimbabwe, but Brits seem to do it with some
> habitual regularity. >>>

James lived in Zimbabwe for several years in the early eighties. He has lots
of stories. One of his oldest family friends, by which I mean James has
known him since childhood and the friend is an older man (I think now in his
70's), is an American expatriat living there still, in Harare. He visits
here occasionally. There is civil strife going on there, and lots of
problems with land ownership and currency values.

When I was a girl in Hong Kong in the sixties, men habitually spat in the
street. It was horrible.

Robyn L. Coburn

Susan

> P.S. The friend is not American. He's a Brit resident here. Brit's
> eat even more lefthandedly than Americans.

Very much so. My British friends hold a utensil in each hand and eat
the whole meal that way (its fascinating for me to watch them eat,
lol) whereas Americans tend to only use a second hand if they need to
use a knife to cut with, etc.

-- Susan

Susan

> My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
> vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you have an
> itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
> GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And that's
> that.

When ds was 4 he started holding onto his genitals a lot. We hoped it
was a phase, that he was just exploring another part of his body and
he was little, so it didn't seem to matter as much. Other people
usually thought he needed to pee, so he got lots of "Do you need to
use the bathroom?" questions from friends & family.

However, when he kept doing it we realized it was due to an issue with
his clothing, which we resolved but by then it had become an
unconscious habit to grab himself. So we talked about how it's okay to
touch any part of his body when he's in private space - the bathtub,
his bedroom, etc. But when he is in other areas of the house or when
we are in public, it's not polite to touch his genitals, even on top
of his clothes.

We use the words "stop holding" as a gentle reminder whenever we saw
him doing it. At first we had to say it about 30 times a day for a
couple months (this habit was hard to stop!) but we managed to get the
message across without shaming him. He still does it occasionally,
especially when his skin comes into contact with a particular fabric,
but *he* is aware of doing it now and will go change into something
else or put underwear on underneath his pants/shorts.

-- Susan

Nancy Wooton

On Jun 24, 2007, at 1:11 PM, marji wrote:

> Hocking a loogie on the street just ain't cool

In a lot of places, it's illegal to spit in public; the laws date from
the tuberculosis epidemic.

Nancy

jen mobley

ok to clarify something in my last post...When I said "so....that's that" I
was not saying that I allow my daughter to do it. I just UNDERSTAND why she
does it. I certainly will tell her when she does it to STOP!!! because it
IS highly unappropriate. She doesn't rub herself. She just kind of stands
there and holds herself like she has to pee. I guess it's just something
that we need to work out.


>From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Wearing the same clothes day after day (Long)
>Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2007 13:46:09 -0600
>
>-=-My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
>vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you
>have an
>itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
>GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And
>that's
>that. -=-
>
>That's THAT!?
>
>People, people, people...
>Some things are illegal.
>Some things aren't illegal, but still have an intractable wrongness
>to them.
>
>You can't just say "and that's that" about a child rubbing himself or
>herself sexually or seemingly-sexually in public.
>
>-=-I don't like it but when I first started saying things to her, I
>could
>tell that she didn't get why the public found this to be
>innappropriate. -=-
>
>If you can explain why and she understands it, then she should stop.
>If you can't explain why, or you can and she just doesn't understand
>it, then she should stop *BECAUSE* you can't explain it, but that it
>could get you a big damned visit from child social services.
>
>-=-Kids just do things that they like I guess -=-
>
>Parents need to just explain to kids that some things they like to do
>cannot and must not be done in front of other people.
>
>-=-HMMM like why is it ok for a man to adjust
>himself in public when, if a woman did it it would be just plain
>disgusting
>(like she's dirty or something??)-=-
>
>It's not "ok" for a man to do it, but when a woman needs to do it
>it's sometimes because there's an uncleanliness situation.
>
>Maybe a girl who's doing that a lot has rawness or irritation she
>doesn't know is not normal. Maybe "light days" pads would help, or
>just changing underwear.
>
>-=-how do you tell a kid that society deems some
>things to be plain "gross"..and do we believe these things too out of
>what
>we have learned growing up? -=-
>
>It doesn't matter if you "believe" the thing or not. It is a fact
>that touching certain parts of one's body is *NOT* okay in public and
>it's not going to become okay in any of our kids' lifetimes. It's
>not what the kids want to do nor what the parents believe, about
>things like this:
>
>Picking one's nose at a formal dinner (or a McDonald's). Not good.
>
>Putting a bare foot on a dining table during a meal (or even a foot
>with a show on it). Unacceptable.
>
>Flashing parts that should be covered (women's breasts, anyone's
>pubic area)--probably illegal.
>
>Rubbing any sexual parts in front of any people one is not engaging
>in sex with--probably illegal for minors and mostly for adults if
>money is being exchanged, depending on the jurisdiction and whether
>it's a strip club or peep show.
>
>I don't want to flat out ask whether there are really parents who
>have considered not telling their kids about such things.
>Holly spit the other day in a parking lot. Right there. Right on
>the ground in a parking lot. I told her to find some dirt next time,
>a trash can maybe, or to spit near a tree where nobody was going to
>need to walk. I complained quickly and definitely.
>
>In 1935 men used to spit on the ground, and nasty brown tobacco crap
>too, but in 2007, people should NOT spit where other people are walking.
>
>Sandra
>
>
>
>
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

_________________________________________________________________
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jen mobley

susan i am glad that you mentioned not shaming your son. When I blurted
out,"It's GROSS!!" I really felt bad afterwards. I think part of the problem
is that my daughter doesn't wipe herself properly after she pees which is
why we bought those Kandoo wipes. Yes, I too believe that this is a phase
that she will no doubt grow out of!


>From: Susan <SusanYvonne@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Wearing the same clothes day after day (Long)
>Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2007 19:11:54 -0400
>
> > My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
> > vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you have
>an
> > itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
> > GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And
>that's
> > that.
>
>When ds was 4 he started holding onto his genitals a lot. We hoped it
>was a phase, that he was just exploring another part of his body and
>he was little, so it didn't seem to matter as much. Other people
>usually thought he needed to pee, so he got lots of "Do you need to
>use the bathroom?" questions from friends & family.
>
>However, when he kept doing it we realized it was due to an issue with
>his clothing, which we resolved but by then it had become an
>unconscious habit to grab himself. So we talked about how it's okay to
>touch any part of his body when he's in private space - the bathtub,
>his bedroom, etc. But when he is in other areas of the house or when
>we are in public, it's not polite to touch his genitals, even on top
>of his clothes.
>
>We use the words "stop holding" as a gentle reminder whenever we saw
>him doing it. At first we had to say it about 30 times a day for a
>couple months (this habit was hard to stop!) but we managed to get the
>message across without shaming him. He still does it occasionally,
>especially when his skin comes into contact with a particular fabric,
>but *he* is aware of doing it now and will go change into something
>else or put underwear on underneath his pants/shorts.
>
>-- Susan

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jen mobley

another thing, when I typed "that's that" I was just ending my rant. I
certainly stop her from grabbing herself. Just wanted to know if any other
parents where experiencing what I was going through.


>From: marji <marji@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Wearing the same clothes day after day
>(Long)
>Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2007 16:11:25 -0400
>
>At 15:46 6/24/2007, you wrote:
> >-=-My daughter has developed a habit of grabbing/holding her
> >vagina in public which drives me up the wall! I asked her "do you
> >have an
> >itch?"..."no"......"Do you have to go pee??"......."no" THEN WHY ARE YOU
> >GRABBING YOURSELF LIKE THAT??!!! Her response? " I just like it". And
> >that's
> >that. -=-
> >
> >That's THAT!?
> >
> >People, people, people...
> >Some things are illegal.
> >Some things aren't illegal, but still have an intractable wrongness
> >to them.
>
>A *huge* part of our gig as parents is tugging the coat of our kids
>so they know what's appropriate in the big world and, more
>importantly, what isn't. I think, in fact, that it was Sandra who
>illustrated this point for somebody when she suggested that we see
>our kids as honored guests from a vastly different culture with
>vastly different customs. We owe it to our guests to let them know
>in a confidential way that their different customs will not be cool
>here! Not to shame them, just to let them know that it just plain
>ain't cool here.
>
>Hocking a loogie on the street just ain't cool, and neither is
>grabbing one's crotch. I'd *want* to know about these things if it
>wasn't already in my consciousness, and I'd be ever grateful to the
>one who cared enough about me and my experience to help me understand.
>
>I have noticed that Liam, my son, now looks to me for guidance on
>these things. He trusts me to tell him straight and tell him kindly
>and in a non-embarrassing way what's okay and what isn't. He *wants*
>to know. I'm really glad that we have developed that aspect of our
>relationship.
>
>Marji a/k/a the Concierge at Liam's house
>
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

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Sandra Dodd

-=-another thing, when I typed "that's that" I was just ending my
rant. I
certainly stop her from grabbing herself. Just wanted to know if any
other
parents where experiencing what I was going through.-=-

You used "just" twice there (three, counting the quote). There can
be serious problems with "just..."

Because we're communicating with the written word, it's important to
be very careful in your word choices.
You didn't "just" end a rant, you wrote "That's that," which has
meaning.

Many other parents have experienced what you described, and were
willing to help you, and are willing to help you, but once you put
something out on this list it's out there, on the table, to be
examined and discussed.

Words come from thought. If you accidentally show your thoughts,
don't try to take it back. You look at your thoughts too, and see if
you can clarify your view of the situation.

If you think this emphasis on word choice is unimportant, this list
won't be comfortable for you.

Sandra
listowner

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Susan

I am jumping for joy!
Thank you for this thread.
I lurk here.
Our 3 1/2 year old has recently
begun stating her desire to stay in the same
outfit for days.
This thread has really helped me!
Thanks to everyone who has posted about this.
Susan (Lochlann 3 1/2)

jen mobley

my daughter and I have discussed this issue and I believe we can work
through it. I guess I didn't realize my wording would be put under a
microscope! I was only looking for helpful suggestions and I think I did
receive some very helpful hints. Thanks to all!


>From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Wearing the same clothes day after day (Long)
>Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2007 07:16:27 -0600
>
>-=-another thing, when I typed "that's that" I was just ending my
>rant. I
>certainly stop her from grabbing herself. Just wanted to know if any
>other
>parents where experiencing what I was going through.-=-
>
>You used "just" twice there (three, counting the quote). There can
>be serious problems with "just..."
>
>Because we're communicating with the written word, it's important to
>be very careful in your word choices.
>You didn't "just" end a rant, you wrote "That's that," which has
>meaning.
>
>Many other parents have experienced what you described, and were
>willing to help you, and are willing to help you, but once you put
>something out on this list it's out there, on the table, to be
>examined and discussed.
>
>Words come from thought. If you accidentally show your thoughts,
>don't try to take it back. You look at your thoughts too, and see if
>you can clarify your view of the situation.
>
>If you think this emphasis on word choice is unimportant, this list
>won't be comfortable for you.
>
>Sandra
>listowner
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

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Kathleen Whitfield

--- In [email protected], "Susan" <susan@...>
wrote:
>
> Our 3 1/2 year old has recently
> begun stating her desire to stay in the same
> outfit for days.

I wanted to say that when my then-2yo started this -- we had just
moved and I had just had another baby -- that it wasn't really a
problem for me to help her wear the shirt she wanted to wear. I
looked at it as a gift to her to take it off her at night while she was
sleeping and wash it for her. I felt it was the least I could do
when there was a lot going on that she didn't have any say over
and she wasn't exactly thrilled about.

My husband and I also agreed that we weren't going to take her
out in public in her "dirty shirt" when, eventually, it didn't get clean.
We lived in L.A., and not only did we get a lot of scrutiny because
we homeschool, but having four children in the Westside of L.A.
made us conspicuous as well.

But, she could look presentable when she put a jumper or a
dress on over it. I found another shirt that she also liked and
eventually that one would work, too.

Now, BTW, she's 5, and she loves wearing lots of different kinds
of clothes!

My oldest son also liked wearing the same clothes when he was
between 6 and 11. Even now, he usually has one pair of shorts
(he wears shorts in SoCal year-round), and I wash them a few
times a week. He has other pants, if need be. He's just happier
being comfortable and familiar clothing feels good to him. For a
while, he had one shirt, too, that he wore like a uniform -- and I'd
wash it regularly and ask him not to wear it when it looked too
dirty. (Part of it with him is the time-saving angle as well.)

My husband and I, too, wear limited clothing options. That is, I
tend to get in clothing jags myself. As long as the clothes are
clean and I'm not in the workplace, where it could become a
source of gossip/cattiness, it works. Right now, I have a dress
that I got on a clearance rack at Target that fits well and looks
fairly dressy, and I wear that a lot. Men always hold doors open
for me when I'm wearing it. I also have some more casual
clothes -- T-shirts and leggings and cropped jeans, but my
Target dress gets worn a lot, particularly if I'm going to be out
and about.

My husband buys five or six pairs of the exact same pair of pants
every few years. Which exact brand/style of pants he buys will
change, but they're always the same color (black) and he always
buys multiple copies of the same pair. He also will find
long-sleeved button-down shirts he likes to wear to work and
rotate them through his closet. He's also very disciplined and will
"retire" a shirt when he gets a new one, so he always has the
same number of shirts in his closet. He likes doing that.

I've also noticed other friends who do the same thing -- wear the
same clothes, just wash them more frequently.

Kathleen Whitfield
in SoCal