dying hair
Vida Evenson
Hi everyone!
My 8 yo has wanted to dye her hair for the past few months. We found this
henna herbal color that¹s kind of a purpleish red. Well. I needed to get
past the usual barriers of believing she is too young to know what she wants
and after getting over that one (because she really does know what she
wants... and she wants to try coloring her hair this specific color. I
stooped to trying to get her to color her hair with straight henna but she
was very clear that she wanted the purplish color. Yea, I think she know
what she wants) the more elusive one of what will they think came hovering
in. But then I got over that one too.... until I told my mother what we
were going to do and she practically turned white. She said that if it was
OK with me then she would go ahead and do the coloring (she¹s the one who
knows about these things). But I knew she hated the idea. And so that got
me wondering and thinking of how, after all these years, I¹m still looking
for her approval. I was never allowed to dye my hair, let alone think of
it. Make-up was only for in the house where nobody could see me and she let
me know if my outfit wasn¹t fashionable enough. I can hardly make a
decision on my own today because of all the schooling at school AND home.
Well I won¹t do that to my girls. As far as I¹m concerned, if Athena is old
enough to know she wants to color her hair, then she is old enough to do it.
I mean, really... what¹s all the fuss about?
Just wanted to vent a little and write down in words this breakthrough I¹ve
had... a breakthrough that¹s bringing me closer to letting go of old,
useless baggage.
Vida
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My 8 yo has wanted to dye her hair for the past few months. We found this
henna herbal color that¹s kind of a purpleish red. Well. I needed to get
past the usual barriers of believing she is too young to know what she wants
and after getting over that one (because she really does know what she
wants... and she wants to try coloring her hair this specific color. I
stooped to trying to get her to color her hair with straight henna but she
was very clear that she wanted the purplish color. Yea, I think she know
what she wants) the more elusive one of what will they think came hovering
in. But then I got over that one too.... until I told my mother what we
were going to do and she practically turned white. She said that if it was
OK with me then she would go ahead and do the coloring (she¹s the one who
knows about these things). But I knew she hated the idea. And so that got
me wondering and thinking of how, after all these years, I¹m still looking
for her approval. I was never allowed to dye my hair, let alone think of
it. Make-up was only for in the house where nobody could see me and she let
me know if my outfit wasn¹t fashionable enough. I can hardly make a
decision on my own today because of all the schooling at school AND home.
Well I won¹t do that to my girls. As far as I¹m concerned, if Athena is old
enough to know she wants to color her hair, then she is old enough to do it.
I mean, really... what¹s all the fuss about?
Just wanted to vent a little and write down in words this breakthrough I¹ve
had... a breakthrough that¹s bringing me closer to letting go of old,
useless baggage.
Vida
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Susan
Vida wrote:
I know what you mean! My daughter likes to dye her hair as well - and her
favorite is the same deep purple shade you're talking about. Is it a thing
with 7/8 year olds?
My mom frowns on it and my step-father *really* dislikes it and I've had to
endured comments from them as well as perfect strangers, but have managed to
ignore them for the most part. I actually like helping DD dye her hair.
Maybe because I wasn't allowed to do (unless I did it anyways and then faced
the consequences) and it makes me happy to provide her with it. I love that
she feels free to express herself and isn't worried about being a
cookie-cutter. There is also a small part of me that feels good about not
caving into my parents' wishes. I, too, find myself still seeking their
approval in certain ways, so I like when I can maintain my own perspective
on things. Subtle rebellion, lol.
For about a year my son didn't want me to cut his hair so it grew very long.
Again, conventional minded people had snippy comments like, "He looks like a
girl - do you want him to look like girl?" and "Looks like it's time for a
hair cut, don't you think?" as if I was just being absent minded and it had
never dawned on me that his hair was growing past his shoulders. One family
member even brought religious doctrine into it even though we don't share
the same beliefs. But, like with the hair dye, I tried to let the comments
just roll off my back and instead I took joy in standing firm and gave
myself a little pat on the back for not letting them sway my decision to
support my child.
Dying hair isn't that hard to do, especially if you'd rather not involve
your mom. The directions are pretty straight forward - just be sure to use
old towels and wear the gloves. One tip is to apply cold cream or vaseline
around her hairline (but avoid getting it on her hair) and on her forehead,
neck, and ears before you put the dye on her hair. That will make it much
easier to wipe the dye off her skin.
-- Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> And so that got me wondering and thinking of how, after all these years,let
> I¹m still looking for her approval. I was never allowed to dye my hair,
> alone think of it. <snip> Well I won¹t do that to my girls. As far as I¹mabout?
> concerned, if Athena is old enough to know she wants to color her hair,
> then she is old enough to do it. I mean, really... what¹s all the fuss
I know what you mean! My daughter likes to dye her hair as well - and her
favorite is the same deep purple shade you're talking about. Is it a thing
with 7/8 year olds?
My mom frowns on it and my step-father *really* dislikes it and I've had to
endured comments from them as well as perfect strangers, but have managed to
ignore them for the most part. I actually like helping DD dye her hair.
Maybe because I wasn't allowed to do (unless I did it anyways and then faced
the consequences) and it makes me happy to provide her with it. I love that
she feels free to express herself and isn't worried about being a
cookie-cutter. There is also a small part of me that feels good about not
caving into my parents' wishes. I, too, find myself still seeking their
approval in certain ways, so I like when I can maintain my own perspective
on things. Subtle rebellion, lol.
For about a year my son didn't want me to cut his hair so it grew very long.
Again, conventional minded people had snippy comments like, "He looks like a
girl - do you want him to look like girl?" and "Looks like it's time for a
hair cut, don't you think?" as if I was just being absent minded and it had
never dawned on me that his hair was growing past his shoulders. One family
member even brought religious doctrine into it even though we don't share
the same beliefs. But, like with the hair dye, I tried to let the comments
just roll off my back and instead I took joy in standing firm and gave
myself a little pat on the back for not letting them sway my decision to
support my child.
Dying hair isn't that hard to do, especially if you'd rather not involve
your mom. The directions are pretty straight forward - just be sure to use
old towels and wear the gloves. One tip is to apply cold cream or vaseline
around her hairline (but avoid getting it on her hair) and on her forehead,
neck, and ears before you put the dye on her hair. That will make it much
easier to wipe the dye off her skin.
-- Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
Hair is a renewable resource.
I heard a mom say that once, long before I had kids, and it really rings
true in my heart.
Please have someone do her hair who is not going to infuse the process with
angst and judgment -- it's imperative this be a happy, joyful, FUN time for
her!! Empower your daughter to tell ickiness-spreaders "my hair, MY choice.
You don't have to do *this* to your hair if you don't like it." and you can
say "Your concern is appreciated, your approval is unnecessary"
Henna is SO easy to do: boil up some water and some black tea bags (no metal
anywhere in the process, it will react with the henna and change the
color!!), add enough liquid to make a nice smooth paste (if you over add,
let it stand extra long, it will thicken), let it set for a couple of hours
(in glass bowl) until the lumps are gone, smoosh it all over her head
(assuming you want all over color), cover with a plastic bag and get out
into the sun!!
Your neighborhood Sally's Hair Supply (I'm SO glad we finally got one in our
home town, previously I would frequent them on our road trips!) has a GREAT
semi permanent selection, some that bleach & color in one step.
You'll find, if approached joyfully, this is a great bonding experience with
your daughter that could very well help you heal from your own past filled
with judgment.
I heard a mom say that once, long before I had kids, and it really rings
true in my heart.
Please have someone do her hair who is not going to infuse the process with
angst and judgment -- it's imperative this be a happy, joyful, FUN time for
her!! Empower your daughter to tell ickiness-spreaders "my hair, MY choice.
You don't have to do *this* to your hair if you don't like it." and you can
say "Your concern is appreciated, your approval is unnecessary"
Henna is SO easy to do: boil up some water and some black tea bags (no metal
anywhere in the process, it will react with the henna and change the
color!!), add enough liquid to make a nice smooth paste (if you over add,
let it stand extra long, it will thicken), let it set for a couple of hours
(in glass bowl) until the lumps are gone, smoosh it all over her head
(assuming you want all over color), cover with a plastic bag and get out
into the sun!!
Your neighborhood Sally's Hair Supply (I'm SO glad we finally got one in our
home town, previously I would frequent them on our road trips!) has a GREAT
semi permanent selection, some that bleach & color in one step.
You'll find, if approached joyfully, this is a great bonding experience with
your daughter that could very well help you heal from your own past filled
with judgment.
On 6/15/07, Vida Evenson <vidamel@...> wrote:
>
> Hi everyone!
>
> My 8 yo has wanted to dye her hair for the past few months. We found this
> henna herbal color that¹s kind of a purpleish red. Well. I needed to get
> past the usual barriers of believing she is too young to know what she
> wants
> and after getting over that one (because she really does know what she
> wants... and she wants to try coloring her hair this specific color. I
> stooped to trying to get her to color her hair with straight henna but she
> was very clear that she wanted the purplish color. Yea, I think she know
> what she wants) the more elusive one of what will they think came hovering
> in. But then I got over that one too.... until I told my mother what we
> were going to do and she practically turned white. She said that if it was
> OK with me then she would go ahead and do the coloring (she¹s the one who
> knows about these things). But I knew she hated the idea. And so that got
> me wondering and thinking of how, after all these years, I¹m still looking
> for her approval. I was never allowed to dye my hair, let alone think of
> it. Make-up was only for in the house where nobody could see me and she
> let
> me know if my outfit wasn¹t fashionable enough. I can hardly make a
> decision on my own today because of all the schooling at school AND home.
>
> Well I won¹t do that to my girls. As far as I¹m concerned, if Athena is
> old
> enough to know she wants to color her hair, then she is old enough to do
> it.
> I mean, really... what¹s all the fuss about?
>
> Just wanted to vent a little and write down in words this breakthrough
> I¹ve
> had... a breakthrough that¹s bringing me closer to letting go of old,
> useless baggage.
>
> Vida
>
>
>
>
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vida Evenson
Thanks everyone for the input so far! This has been so much fun! I let my
mom do it knowing that once I did give the OK she would go along with it and
get over it. It was a fun. If I thought my mom would approach it with
angst I wouldn¹t have let her do it. Well... Athena looks GREAT!!! She
LOVES her hair and feels wonderful. What more could I ask for? I got all
sorts of spontaneous hugs and I love you¹s and some fabulous hair-flipping
in the mirror under the light (to catch the purple-y shine). Tomorrow I¹m
going to do Penelope¹s hair (she¹s 8 too). She wants a light red henna
color.
I got over my feelings of needing my mom¹s OK (on this one) and I noticed
that after it was all done, Athena¹s new hair really isn¹t a big deal at
all. It seemed like my mother felt the same way. She too was all smiles
and said what a wonderful color it is. She is my ally in most cases about
unschooling. This was just a barrier for her as well... more for her than
me... It is nice to have an ally here. We live in the Greek boonies where
culture and tradition are very tight. It¹s nice to have someone stick up
for me even though she doesn¹t fully understand what we¹re doing.
....hee hee hee..... living with kids is so much fun!
Vida
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mom do it knowing that once I did give the OK she would go along with it and
get over it. It was a fun. If I thought my mom would approach it with
angst I wouldn¹t have let her do it. Well... Athena looks GREAT!!! She
LOVES her hair and feels wonderful. What more could I ask for? I got all
sorts of spontaneous hugs and I love you¹s and some fabulous hair-flipping
in the mirror under the light (to catch the purple-y shine). Tomorrow I¹m
going to do Penelope¹s hair (she¹s 8 too). She wants a light red henna
color.
I got over my feelings of needing my mom¹s OK (on this one) and I noticed
that after it was all done, Athena¹s new hair really isn¹t a big deal at
all. It seemed like my mother felt the same way. She too was all smiles
and said what a wonderful color it is. She is my ally in most cases about
unschooling. This was just a barrier for her as well... more for her than
me... It is nice to have an ally here. We live in the Greek boonies where
culture and tradition are very tight. It¹s nice to have someone stick up
for me even though she doesn¹t fully understand what we¹re doing.
....hee hee hee..... living with kids is so much fun!
Vida
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jenstarc4
"I do have some limits on it (no bullets, guns, etc) and nothing TOO
extreme, but in general I try to let him show his own style."
You LET him? Why do you have no guns or bullets, etc., limits?
That's the same kind of rules they have in schools.
Why put limits like that on him? Why not let him decide for himself
what is way over the top and what isn't. I know it's uncomfortable
to let go of that discomfort within yourself, but it's very worth it.
Instead of seeing his style of dress as something to fear, just look
at it like an experiment of sorts. Some kids just like to mess with
shock value. Why put so much into it at all, just look and
appreciate it for what it is. It's a syle, help him go with it. To
the extreme if he wants to.
It's fun and you can learn a lot about your kids through encouraging
their syles. Don't worry about what other people think, they can get
over it. The inside is what counts. Encouraging your child's
passion, even if it's all black and piercings, wearing gun logos, and
dyed hair, will let him feel heard and respected. That's the kind of
stuff that makes the inside even better.
It's a whole other world when kids dress like that out of a
rebellious nature to irritate their parents or make a point "against"
something. I find that with my unschooled kids, it just isn't the
same as that. They do it for other reasons. Without really
exploring with your child, you'll miss out on all of that.
extreme, but in general I try to let him show his own style."
You LET him? Why do you have no guns or bullets, etc., limits?
That's the same kind of rules they have in schools.
Why put limits like that on him? Why not let him decide for himself
what is way over the top and what isn't. I know it's uncomfortable
to let go of that discomfort within yourself, but it's very worth it.
Instead of seeing his style of dress as something to fear, just look
at it like an experiment of sorts. Some kids just like to mess with
shock value. Why put so much into it at all, just look and
appreciate it for what it is. It's a syle, help him go with it. To
the extreme if he wants to.
It's fun and you can learn a lot about your kids through encouraging
their syles. Don't worry about what other people think, they can get
over it. The inside is what counts. Encouraging your child's
passion, even if it's all black and piercings, wearing gun logos, and
dyed hair, will let him feel heard and respected. That's the kind of
stuff that makes the inside even better.
It's a whole other world when kids dress like that out of a
rebellious nature to irritate their parents or make a point "against"
something. I find that with my unschooled kids, it just isn't the
same as that. They do it for other reasons. Without really
exploring with your child, you'll miss out on all of that.
Sandra Dodd
-=-He has some definite issues with aggressive behavior (I'm
not going into the details about all of it) and I am making a
decision that
*I FEEL* is best for my child at this time.-=-
That's fine, but this list isn't so much for discussing what one mom
feels about one child as it is about the larger principles behind
helping children learn freely and make choices.
-=- We can all only do what is best for our own families. -=-
That sounds good, and I'm sure most people would absolutely agree
with you.
One thing I have chosen to do is to spend some of my time every day
keeping this list maintained as an unschooling discussion area. So
it's not a "whatever in the whole world anyone feels or wants to do"
list so much as it's a "let's discuss how kids learn and what can
hamper or help good relationships in unschooling families."
-=- We agree on several types - but others not so
much. He is really into some speed metal bands right now which I
just don't
like. Does it mean that we never listen to it? Nope, it doesn't.
We all
take turns in the car picking music. Some days I tolerate speed
metal, some
days he tolerates disco music.-=-
Couldn't you listen to the kind you both like when you're together?
That seems very workable, and you could listen to the less-shared
types when you're off alone.
Sandra
not going into the details about all of it) and I am making a
decision that
*I FEEL* is best for my child at this time.-=-
That's fine, but this list isn't so much for discussing what one mom
feels about one child as it is about the larger principles behind
helping children learn freely and make choices.
-=- We can all only do what is best for our own families. -=-
That sounds good, and I'm sure most people would absolutely agree
with you.
One thing I have chosen to do is to spend some of my time every day
keeping this list maintained as an unschooling discussion area. So
it's not a "whatever in the whole world anyone feels or wants to do"
list so much as it's a "let's discuss how kids learn and what can
hamper or help good relationships in unschooling families."
-=- We agree on several types - but others not so
much. He is really into some speed metal bands right now which I
just don't
like. Does it mean that we never listen to it? Nope, it doesn't.
We all
take turns in the car picking music. Some days I tolerate speed
metal, some
days he tolerates disco music.-=-
Couldn't you listen to the kind you both like when you're together?
That seems very workable, and you could listen to the less-shared
types when you're off alone.
Sandra
jenstarc4
--- In [email protected], "Robyn" <edu@...> wrote:
dd. Boy did she have plenty to say on the subject. First she wanted
to know exactly what was wrong with him that he couldn't handle a
picture of a gun. I scrolled back to the part where you said you
wouldn't go into it.
So, she was thinking about all the possibilities of a person not
being able to handle pictures of guns. Then she still came to the
same conclusion. That it didn't make sense to her at all that a
picture of a gun could somehow inspire one to become aggressive.
Then she wondered how the mom would even know that if she never
allowed it.
She added that parents should let their kids dress the way they want
to dress and then go from there. If some clothing item makes someone
more aggressive, then you could work on that, if that even would
happen in the first place. (I'm paraphrasing here cuz she was just
talking so fast with so many thoughts)
Then her friend called and was really upset because her parents had
just bought her clothes that she didn't want or like and are
insisting that she wear them. This is in response to wanting to wear
all black and chains and stuff. They don't want their child dressing
like that, so they are trying to force her to wear other things
because they think it looks better.
So where does a parent draw the line? Should they? My children can
wear what they want, just like I can, just like their dad can. I
don't tell my husband what he can and can't wear and only LET him
wear clothing that I think is appropriate. That would be insanely
controlling. The point of unschooling is treating kids with respect,
as an equal in their humanity. Perhaps more innocent or less aware,
when they are younger, but equal just the same.
I don't do that to my 13 yo dd who likes to wear all black. She can
cut, mark, sew and otherwise do as she pleases with her clothing.
She dresses appropriately for the weather and the occasion. She
isn't sneaking out and changing at her friend's house to wear the
forbidden items, like some of her friends do. She puts on her black
eyeliner at home or in the car, where some of her friends do it at
school and take it off before they get home so they don't get in
trouble.
Yesterday she let her friend cut her hair very short! It looks
cool. I offered to take her to the salon to get it done but she
didn't want to wait that long. I offered to take her afterwards to
get it evened out, and she declined. Her hair looks cool, she likes
it, she's happy, I'm happy, her friend was excited to do it. It was
fun all around.
She loves the shock value image. It's fun, yet people are surprised
at how cool and nice she is, if they don't know her and judge her by
her looks. It's amazing how much people stereotype others. We talk
about it. We have had many conversations about stereotyping and
judging others by how they look. We go people watching downtown and
point out all the cool "looking" people. My dd used to say "cool
person" and point to where she was looking. Then we'd laugh about
how they look cool, but could actually be a big jerk in real life.
I love how my daughter dresses. I find nothing innappropriate about
it. She listens to her music, sitting at the desk right next to me.
I get to listen to her music too. I've heard countless bands and
countless lyrics and we've discussed all of the qualities of the
music. I try not to say wether or not I like any of it when I first
hear something new, because I want to appreciate it through her eyes
and be open minded about it. She does likewise to things that I
bring to her. It goes both ways. If I said I didn't like something
and made a thing about not wanting to listen to it, she would likely
do the same to me.
When we are in the car, I always listen to her music ALWAYS. I can
listen to my music when she's not with me. For now, I love her being
with me and if that means listening to loud emo screamo music in the
car, then so be it. When we go to the mall she's not ashamed of her
mother, she even sometimes holds my hand or links arms with me.
That is the kind of relationship that comes from LETTING my daughter
be who she wants to be without my judgement getting in the way of her
decision making. She trusts me and I trust her. She asks for my
opinion because she finds it of value. It's because I never
said "no" to all those little things like wearing certain clothing,
or saying wether or not she could look or be a certain way just
because I said so or thought so for her own good.
>behavior (I'm
> The reason I do have limits on the guns & bullet themes is for this
> particular child. He has some definite issues with aggressive
> not going into the details about all of it) and I am making adecision that
> *I FEEL* is best for my child at this time.Well this conversation was just read over my shoulder by my 13 yo
dd. Boy did she have plenty to say on the subject. First she wanted
to know exactly what was wrong with him that he couldn't handle a
picture of a gun. I scrolled back to the part where you said you
wouldn't go into it.
So, she was thinking about all the possibilities of a person not
being able to handle pictures of guns. Then she still came to the
same conclusion. That it didn't make sense to her at all that a
picture of a gun could somehow inspire one to become aggressive.
Then she wondered how the mom would even know that if she never
allowed it.
She added that parents should let their kids dress the way they want
to dress and then go from there. If some clothing item makes someone
more aggressive, then you could work on that, if that even would
happen in the first place. (I'm paraphrasing here cuz she was just
talking so fast with so many thoughts)
Then her friend called and was really upset because her parents had
just bought her clothes that she didn't want or like and are
insisting that she wear them. This is in response to wanting to wear
all black and chains and stuff. They don't want their child dressing
like that, so they are trying to force her to wear other things
because they think it looks better.
So where does a parent draw the line? Should they? My children can
wear what they want, just like I can, just like their dad can. I
don't tell my husband what he can and can't wear and only LET him
wear clothing that I think is appropriate. That would be insanely
controlling. The point of unschooling is treating kids with respect,
as an equal in their humanity. Perhaps more innocent or less aware,
when they are younger, but equal just the same.
I don't do that to my 13 yo dd who likes to wear all black. She can
cut, mark, sew and otherwise do as she pleases with her clothing.
She dresses appropriately for the weather and the occasion. She
isn't sneaking out and changing at her friend's house to wear the
forbidden items, like some of her friends do. She puts on her black
eyeliner at home or in the car, where some of her friends do it at
school and take it off before they get home so they don't get in
trouble.
Yesterday she let her friend cut her hair very short! It looks
cool. I offered to take her to the salon to get it done but she
didn't want to wait that long. I offered to take her afterwards to
get it evened out, and she declined. Her hair looks cool, she likes
it, she's happy, I'm happy, her friend was excited to do it. It was
fun all around.
She loves the shock value image. It's fun, yet people are surprised
at how cool and nice she is, if they don't know her and judge her by
her looks. It's amazing how much people stereotype others. We talk
about it. We have had many conversations about stereotyping and
judging others by how they look. We go people watching downtown and
point out all the cool "looking" people. My dd used to say "cool
person" and point to where she was looking. Then we'd laugh about
how they look cool, but could actually be a big jerk in real life.
I love how my daughter dresses. I find nothing innappropriate about
it. She listens to her music, sitting at the desk right next to me.
I get to listen to her music too. I've heard countless bands and
countless lyrics and we've discussed all of the qualities of the
music. I try not to say wether or not I like any of it when I first
hear something new, because I want to appreciate it through her eyes
and be open minded about it. She does likewise to things that I
bring to her. It goes both ways. If I said I didn't like something
and made a thing about not wanting to listen to it, she would likely
do the same to me.
When we are in the car, I always listen to her music ALWAYS. I can
listen to my music when she's not with me. For now, I love her being
with me and if that means listening to loud emo screamo music in the
car, then so be it. When we go to the mall she's not ashamed of her
mother, she even sometimes holds my hand or links arms with me.
That is the kind of relationship that comes from LETTING my daughter
be who she wants to be without my judgement getting in the way of her
decision making. She trusts me and I trust her. She asks for my
opinion because she finds it of value. It's because I never
said "no" to all those little things like wearing certain clothing,
or saying wether or not she could look or be a certain way just
because I said so or thought so for her own good.