Re: [AlwaysLearning] Gay and parents
[email protected]
We have a "situation" here right now. My son, who is 14 today (wow! when did
THAT happen??) has a very good (also 14) friend who confided in him a year
ago that she's gay. She's been debating for months on how/when to tell her
parents, and it came out vaguely in a heated argument a week ago. Two days
ago, her parents had rummaged through her room and found a love letter from
her girlfriend. They attacked her with it, and she ran over here in tears
that night.
Her parents are very religious (SC, remember) and homophobic and know that
she's going straight to hell. Her older sister was "Miss Blue Devil", a
social butterfly, and modeled for a while; and this girl can't do anything
right.
She's really a delightful girl---her parents only see "dyke". They've taken
away her phone, her computer, all functions (no going out with friends, no
movies, no parties, etc), and (worst of all) called her friend's parents and
"outed" this girl as well to her parents! Both girls are very upset---and
can't even speak to each other! They don't go to the same school, so they
can't even see each other there.
She's welcome to use our phone and computer (although the other girl's
parents have agreed that they are NEVER to speak to each other again) and
just to hang out here as much as possible.< I guess the "straight" boy's not
seen as a threat.> And she seems to need to talk both to Cameron and to me.
Anyway, I was hoping for *something* from y'all---especially maybe
KathrynB---something that I could give her to help her through this. My
advice so far has been to "lay low" and not stir things up. And that they can
control her environment, but not her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and
sexuality. And to write a letter telling her parents calmly and gently how
she feels (all conversations turn into "who can yell the loudest").
Anything else from y'all?
Thanks so much!
Kelly
THAT happen??) has a very good (also 14) friend who confided in him a year
ago that she's gay. She's been debating for months on how/when to tell her
parents, and it came out vaguely in a heated argument a week ago. Two days
ago, her parents had rummaged through her room and found a love letter from
her girlfriend. They attacked her with it, and she ran over here in tears
that night.
Her parents are very religious (SC, remember) and homophobic and know that
she's going straight to hell. Her older sister was "Miss Blue Devil", a
social butterfly, and modeled for a while; and this girl can't do anything
right.
She's really a delightful girl---her parents only see "dyke". They've taken
away her phone, her computer, all functions (no going out with friends, no
movies, no parties, etc), and (worst of all) called her friend's parents and
"outed" this girl as well to her parents! Both girls are very upset---and
can't even speak to each other! They don't go to the same school, so they
can't even see each other there.
She's welcome to use our phone and computer (although the other girl's
parents have agreed that they are NEVER to speak to each other again) and
just to hang out here as much as possible.< I guess the "straight" boy's not
seen as a threat.> And she seems to need to talk both to Cameron and to me.
Anyway, I was hoping for *something* from y'all---especially maybe
KathrynB---something that I could give her to help her through this. My
advice so far has been to "lay low" and not stir things up. And that they can
control her environment, but not her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and
sexuality. And to write a letter telling her parents calmly and gently how
she feels (all conversations turn into "who can yell the loudest").
Anything else from y'all?
Thanks so much!
Kelly
[email protected]
Wow, Kelly!
I feel so much for this girl you described. I am bisexual and am still not
out to my parents (who are so Catholic that I am already sentenced to eternal
flame for marrying a man who was protestant!) at age 30. I wish I had the
courage to confront my feelings for both genders when I was younger and still
living at home.
I think you are doing the best thing you can...giving her a safe place. She
is going through the normal teen stuff of hormones and cliques at her school
and now to have her parents against her, too, is so hard. Most teens feel
that their parents are against them (and, unfortunately, most parents are not
great at supporting the growth processes of their children), but this
situation is way more overt than many teens deal with.
As long as you are giving her love, support and information (this is a major
key issue, too for your son to see and hear) for agencies and stuff. I would
encourage helping her find a support group. The Unitarian Universalist
Church in Columbia would be a good place to start asking as well as a local
university. I would also feel comfortable talking with her via email if she
wished.
Hang in there and keep reminding her of her choices. Some times it is hard
to see all the paths that are open when we are in the midst of anguish ( I
got that from Ren!). I will keep you in my thoughts.
Blessed Be,
DiAnna
I feel so much for this girl you described. I am bisexual and am still not
out to my parents (who are so Catholic that I am already sentenced to eternal
flame for marrying a man who was protestant!) at age 30. I wish I had the
courage to confront my feelings for both genders when I was younger and still
living at home.
I think you are doing the best thing you can...giving her a safe place. She
is going through the normal teen stuff of hormones and cliques at her school
and now to have her parents against her, too, is so hard. Most teens feel
that their parents are against them (and, unfortunately, most parents are not
great at supporting the growth processes of their children), but this
situation is way more overt than many teens deal with.
As long as you are giving her love, support and information (this is a major
key issue, too for your son to see and hear) for agencies and stuff. I would
encourage helping her find a support group. The Unitarian Universalist
Church in Columbia would be a good place to start asking as well as a local
university. I would also feel comfortable talking with her via email if she
wished.
Hang in there and keep reminding her of her choices. Some times it is hard
to see all the paths that are open when we are in the midst of anguish ( I
got that from Ren!). I will keep you in my thoughts.
Blessed Be,
DiAnna
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/23/02 6:21:15 AM, kbcdlovejo@... writes:
<< < I guess the "straight" boy's not
seen as a threat.> And she seems to need to talk both to Cameron and to me.
Then she can have her computer back.
What a horror show for her, poor thing.
<<And to write a letter telling her parents calmly and gently how
she feels (all conversations turn into "who can yell the loudest"). >>
Yeah, but not until she moves out and has her own place. No sense on earth
trying to change the point of view of dogged fundamentalists, not if you're
the daughter whose very disobedience is a huge personal shame for them
personally.
I'd talk Cameron into an acting job for a few months or years. If they can
do it kinda campy and tongue in cheek they might not feel like liars, but
like they're players putting on a show for people whose social awareness
could use some adjustment.
And when the girl's finally independent and writing her letter, she could say
"Cameron and I put on an act for you because it would make you feel better,
and you NEEDED to feel better. He was never really my boyfriend."
But then, on the other hand, consider that one girl/girl affair doesn't mean
she isn't going to end up heterosexual or bisexual, and be the married mother
of half a dozen cool kids. So because that IS a potential maybe Cameron
doesn't want to go too far in the act unless he really likes her, too.
Too many people see sexuality as a plain two-way switch, either you're
'queer' and that's that, or you're 'straight' and that's that, but people are
not that extreme in most cases.
We played an ongoing game once for a few weeks when there were was NO reason
not to have sex, no risk of disease, pregnancy or emotional betrayal would
matter because we were all about to be obliterated... who would we want to
mess with? The guys were disgusted that three or more of the women named
this one certain dangerous white-trash Missouri drug dealer of all our
acquaintance. Scuzzy, had been beaten by his dad with a 2x4 and his jaw was
all crooked, he was a liar and at the age of 32 had never yet had a real job.
And we said GLEN! But almost every person, male AND female, named one
hetero lady we know. Nobody was going to actually act on this stuff, and she
was in a long term relationship that is now past 25 years. Nobody was much
surprised that she was top of all lists. And she said "Glen!"
So attraction isn't easy, and being in love once doesn't make a life pattern.
Every gay friend I'm thinking of was either once married (and I went to some
of those weddings), or they had a true heterosexual love in high school (one
in particular, I still know both people, and was then at the lesbian wedding
that followed years later).
I'd help her calm down and be happy about flowers, ice cream, other things
entirely, and let her know it is NOT something that has defined the rest of
her life, neither the letter nor her parents' reaction, but that every moment
is new and she can come to clarity slowly--it doesn't have to be today.
Sandra
<< < I guess the "straight" boy's not
seen as a threat.> And she seems to need to talk both to Cameron and to me.
>>Hell, let them think Cameron's her boyfriend and she has reformed herself!!
Then she can have her computer back.
What a horror show for her, poor thing.
<<And to write a letter telling her parents calmly and gently how
she feels (all conversations turn into "who can yell the loudest"). >>
Yeah, but not until she moves out and has her own place. No sense on earth
trying to change the point of view of dogged fundamentalists, not if you're
the daughter whose very disobedience is a huge personal shame for them
personally.
I'd talk Cameron into an acting job for a few months or years. If they can
do it kinda campy and tongue in cheek they might not feel like liars, but
like they're players putting on a show for people whose social awareness
could use some adjustment.
And when the girl's finally independent and writing her letter, she could say
"Cameron and I put on an act for you because it would make you feel better,
and you NEEDED to feel better. He was never really my boyfriend."
But then, on the other hand, consider that one girl/girl affair doesn't mean
she isn't going to end up heterosexual or bisexual, and be the married mother
of half a dozen cool kids. So because that IS a potential maybe Cameron
doesn't want to go too far in the act unless he really likes her, too.
Too many people see sexuality as a plain two-way switch, either you're
'queer' and that's that, or you're 'straight' and that's that, but people are
not that extreme in most cases.
We played an ongoing game once for a few weeks when there were was NO reason
not to have sex, no risk of disease, pregnancy or emotional betrayal would
matter because we were all about to be obliterated... who would we want to
mess with? The guys were disgusted that three or more of the women named
this one certain dangerous white-trash Missouri drug dealer of all our
acquaintance. Scuzzy, had been beaten by his dad with a 2x4 and his jaw was
all crooked, he was a liar and at the age of 32 had never yet had a real job.
And we said GLEN! But almost every person, male AND female, named one
hetero lady we know. Nobody was going to actually act on this stuff, and she
was in a long term relationship that is now past 25 years. Nobody was much
surprised that she was top of all lists. And she said "Glen!"
So attraction isn't easy, and being in love once doesn't make a life pattern.
Every gay friend I'm thinking of was either once married (and I went to some
of those weddings), or they had a true heterosexual love in high school (one
in particular, I still know both people, and was then at the lesbian wedding
that followed years later).
I'd help her calm down and be happy about flowers, ice cream, other things
entirely, and let her know it is NOT something that has defined the rest of
her life, neither the letter nor her parents' reaction, but that every moment
is new and she can come to clarity slowly--it doesn't have to be today.
Sandra
[email protected]
On Wed, 23 Jan 2002 13:27:33 EST SandraDodd@... writes:
didn't come out to his parents until he was living on his own.
In high school he met a girl, also gay, and they sort of teamed up. They
went to school functions together, dances, etc. and genuinely liked each
other. They got a few lectures from their parents about "getting too
serious", but it was better than what they would have had to deal with if
they'd come out. Their senior year book had a picture of them together
with a "next stop, wedding chapel" caption, which they both thought was
very funny.
They are still good friends now at 27, both happy in openly gay
relationships, both, sadly, still dealing with angry parents. But the
little deception was a way for them to survive, support each other and
have a kind of social life they wouldn't have had if they'd come out
sooner.
Deb L
> Hell, let them think Cameron's her boyfriend and she has reformedMy nephew did something like this. He is gay and knew at about 14. He
> herself!!
> Then she can have her computer back.
didn't come out to his parents until he was living on his own.
In high school he met a girl, also gay, and they sort of teamed up. They
went to school functions together, dances, etc. and genuinely liked each
other. They got a few lectures from their parents about "getting too
serious", but it was better than what they would have had to deal with if
they'd come out. Their senior year book had a picture of them together
with a "next stop, wedding chapel" caption, which they both thought was
very funny.
They are still good friends now at 27, both happy in openly gay
relationships, both, sadly, still dealing with angry parents. But the
little deception was a way for them to survive, support each other and
have a kind of social life they wouldn't have had if they'd come out
sooner.
Deb L
Nanci Kuykendall
Having known many gay, bisexual, hetero and shades in
between teens when I was a teen myself in San
Francisco, I advise this girl to be very careful with
her parents. She is under their thumb at this age and
they can do many things to her that they should not be
able to, legally and otherwise. I have seen firsthand
the terrible nastiness that can result when parents
"lose it" over their kid's coming out.
A lot of the kids I knew in San Francisco were from
shelters and halfway houses. There are a LOT of them
there, as California is a destination for homeless
people seeking milder climate, and San Francisco a
haven for gay culture that these abused and disowned
young people flock to like moths to a flame. Taking
away what they consider "privledges" and screaming at
her are not even close to the worst they could do. I
think the idea of an ally of the opposite sex who can
help calm the parents with a "hetero deception" while
she is still in their house is an excellent idea, and
a preserving one for this girl, for her mind, spirit
AND body.
Nanci K.
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between teens when I was a teen myself in San
Francisco, I advise this girl to be very careful with
her parents. She is under their thumb at this age and
they can do many things to her that they should not be
able to, legally and otherwise. I have seen firsthand
the terrible nastiness that can result when parents
"lose it" over their kid's coming out.
A lot of the kids I knew in San Francisco were from
shelters and halfway houses. There are a LOT of them
there, as California is a destination for homeless
people seeking milder climate, and San Francisco a
haven for gay culture that these abused and disowned
young people flock to like moths to a flame. Taking
away what they consider "privledges" and screaming at
her are not even close to the worst they could do. I
think the idea of an ally of the opposite sex who can
help calm the parents with a "hetero deception" while
she is still in their house is an excellent idea, and
a preserving one for this girl, for her mind, spirit
AND body.
Nanci K.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Great stuff seeking new owners in Yahoo! Auctions!
http://auctions.yahoo.com