saying yes
Sassafras Books
Hello. I have recently rejoined this list after a long absence (and I was
just a lurker before, so I doubt anyone would remember me--although Sandra,
yours was the voice that first got me started thinking about homeschooling
and unschooling way back on AOL in the mid 90s, when my oldest was just an
infant...I used to go to chats you hosted there). I have five children ages
12 to 1, always homeschooled, and though we started off as unschoolers I
drifted into requiring this and that over the years--very gentle & Charlotte
Masonish, but still some requiring.
And we have mostly been happy but often been tense, and in the past few
months I've been looking around and noticing that there really is a lot more
tension here in my home than I had realized. I realized I am being more
critical, a scolder, and this is so far from the picture I have always had
of myself that it has been something of a shock.
So I resubbed here and have spent a couple of days buried in the archives
and reimmersing myself in all the helpful stuff at Sandra and Joyce's sites.
It's rather a humbling experience to take a good look at yourself and see
that you've lost hold of something you once held very firmly in your heart.
But I'm a huge believer in fresh starts, and I decided to just hit my
personal reset button and start fresh. I am still pondering some of the
basic issues about chores, meals, etc, that I know many of you have settled
for yourselves a long time ago. For now I have begun with something very
simple, which is saying yes instead of no. I was reading Sandra's Yes page
and I could hear myself saying no no no all the time. I used to always be a
yes mom. Somewhere between kids 3 and 4 I drifted into no...
I'm seeing myself use words like "drift" and "shift" a lot, and it's strange
that it feels so gradual and invisible a change in me, because that implies
the opposite of mindfulness, and honestly it's not like I ever stopped
thinking about parenting and education issues. Perhaps I've thought about
them TOO much, read too many opposing points of view, got all muddled up in
my own mind. What do I really think? I hardly know anymore. (I told you it
was humbling. I'm pushing 40 and I feel way dumber than I did at 25.)
Things are not terrible here, just, as I said, sometimes full of friction.
Cross words coming out of my mouth (the 25 yr old me would be shocked).
Anyway, as I said, yesterday I took a deep breath and started over, with
YES. I kept a little list of all the things the kids asked for (they didn't
see me doing this).
Can we have some jellybeans? Yes.
Can we watch a movie? Yes
Could you get me a pickle and a napkin in a bowl, and can I eat it on the
couch? Yes. (Shushing the mom-voice in my head that wanted to say we NEVER
eat on the couch, you know that. I just said 'sure' and got the pickle, and
then another when she asked for a second one.)
Can we play a computer game? Yes.
Later I was looking at my list and I thought, wow, I'd have loved to have a
day like that when I was a kid. Jellybeans and a movie and pickles and
computer games.
I don't actually have any of the "but what if all they ever want to do is
eat jellybeans and play computer games" concerns because I see how creative
my kids are and how whenever they've had time on the computer or watching a
video they run off and play elaborate pretend games based on whatever they
were watching/playing, and they ask me to read to them a lot, and THEY read
a lot, and I am constantly astonished by how much they know and how most of
it is a surprise to me, not stuff I've directed. So, since I am NOT worried
about that, I had to ask myself what I AM worried about--why would I have
said no to those same requests the day before?
I am thinking about all this, why I became a No mom, and getting back in the
habit of saying yes.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for your illuminating discussions here.
Sara, mom of five
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
just a lurker before, so I doubt anyone would remember me--although Sandra,
yours was the voice that first got me started thinking about homeschooling
and unschooling way back on AOL in the mid 90s, when my oldest was just an
infant...I used to go to chats you hosted there). I have five children ages
12 to 1, always homeschooled, and though we started off as unschoolers I
drifted into requiring this and that over the years--very gentle & Charlotte
Masonish, but still some requiring.
And we have mostly been happy but often been tense, and in the past few
months I've been looking around and noticing that there really is a lot more
tension here in my home than I had realized. I realized I am being more
critical, a scolder, and this is so far from the picture I have always had
of myself that it has been something of a shock.
So I resubbed here and have spent a couple of days buried in the archives
and reimmersing myself in all the helpful stuff at Sandra and Joyce's sites.
It's rather a humbling experience to take a good look at yourself and see
that you've lost hold of something you once held very firmly in your heart.
But I'm a huge believer in fresh starts, and I decided to just hit my
personal reset button and start fresh. I am still pondering some of the
basic issues about chores, meals, etc, that I know many of you have settled
for yourselves a long time ago. For now I have begun with something very
simple, which is saying yes instead of no. I was reading Sandra's Yes page
and I could hear myself saying no no no all the time. I used to always be a
yes mom. Somewhere between kids 3 and 4 I drifted into no...
I'm seeing myself use words like "drift" and "shift" a lot, and it's strange
that it feels so gradual and invisible a change in me, because that implies
the opposite of mindfulness, and honestly it's not like I ever stopped
thinking about parenting and education issues. Perhaps I've thought about
them TOO much, read too many opposing points of view, got all muddled up in
my own mind. What do I really think? I hardly know anymore. (I told you it
was humbling. I'm pushing 40 and I feel way dumber than I did at 25.)
Things are not terrible here, just, as I said, sometimes full of friction.
Cross words coming out of my mouth (the 25 yr old me would be shocked).
Anyway, as I said, yesterday I took a deep breath and started over, with
YES. I kept a little list of all the things the kids asked for (they didn't
see me doing this).
Can we have some jellybeans? Yes.
Can we watch a movie? Yes
Could you get me a pickle and a napkin in a bowl, and can I eat it on the
couch? Yes. (Shushing the mom-voice in my head that wanted to say we NEVER
eat on the couch, you know that. I just said 'sure' and got the pickle, and
then another when she asked for a second one.)
Can we play a computer game? Yes.
Later I was looking at my list and I thought, wow, I'd have loved to have a
day like that when I was a kid. Jellybeans and a movie and pickles and
computer games.
I don't actually have any of the "but what if all they ever want to do is
eat jellybeans and play computer games" concerns because I see how creative
my kids are and how whenever they've had time on the computer or watching a
video they run off and play elaborate pretend games based on whatever they
were watching/playing, and they ask me to read to them a lot, and THEY read
a lot, and I am constantly astonished by how much they know and how most of
it is a surprise to me, not stuff I've directed. So, since I am NOT worried
about that, I had to ask myself what I AM worried about--why would I have
said no to those same requests the day before?
I am thinking about all this, why I became a No mom, and getting back in the
habit of saying yes.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for your illuminating discussions here.
Sara, mom of five
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Welcome back, Sara.
I'd like to link your account to the "yes" page, if you have no
objection.
-=-But I'm a huge believer in fresh starts, and I decided to just hit my
personal reset button and start fresh.-=-
Here's a fresh start pep talk: http://sandradodd.com/morning
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'd like to link your account to the "yes" page, if you have no
objection.
-=-But I'm a huge believer in fresh starts, and I decided to just hit my
personal reset button and start fresh.-=-
Here's a fresh start pep talk: http://sandradodd.com/morning
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina
I loved reading this article. It was beautiful. And I just wanted to
apologize Sandra for getting so upset and reacting the way I did to
one of your posts. I just took it the wrong way. Next time I will
ask you what you mean before jumping to conclusions. This group has
helped me so much and thankyou to everyone who is a part of it.
One Love-Tina
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
apologize Sandra for getting so upset and reacting the way I did to
one of your posts. I just took it the wrong way. Next time I will
ask you what you mean before jumping to conclusions. This group has
helped me so much and thankyou to everyone who is a part of it.
One Love-Tina
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
>hit my
> Welcome back, Sara.
>
> I'd like to link your account to the "yes" page, if you have no
> objection.
>
> -=-But I'm a huge believer in fresh starts, and I decided to just
> personal reset button and start fresh.-=-
>
> Here's a fresh start pep talk: http://sandradodd.com/morning
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-And I just wanted to
apologize Sandra for getting so upset and reacting the way I did to
one of your posts.-=-
It didn't hurt me; I'm used to it. Thanks for the public apology,
though!
People come here emotional and defensive. It happens regularly.
We could endorse their mood and say "There there," or we can
immediately start giving them tools to change their lives. Because
it's volunteer time, most posters don't want to waste any. We make
no profit by stretching it out for days or weeks. Our "profit" is in
getting other families' kids into better situations soon, quickly,
and helping those families start unschooling better right away, that
moment, instead of maybe eventually someday. "Maybe eventually
someday" can easily mean never.
-=- I just took it the wrong way. Next time I will
ask you what you mean before jumping to conclusions.-=-
I have a better idea, than thinking "next time" or asking.
Every time you have a strong defensive reaction to anyone's input,
anywhere, think why that is.
Do a self-check about what emotions you're feeling and why, and
whether there might be some truth in the feedback you're getting,
whether it's paid for or free or thrust on you but a passing stranger.
Don't assume people are trying to hurt you.
If you can make those changes, it will be better for your family,
your kids, and for you.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
apologize Sandra for getting so upset and reacting the way I did to
one of your posts.-=-
It didn't hurt me; I'm used to it. Thanks for the public apology,
though!
People come here emotional and defensive. It happens regularly.
We could endorse their mood and say "There there," or we can
immediately start giving them tools to change their lives. Because
it's volunteer time, most posters don't want to waste any. We make
no profit by stretching it out for days or weeks. Our "profit" is in
getting other families' kids into better situations soon, quickly,
and helping those families start unschooling better right away, that
moment, instead of maybe eventually someday. "Maybe eventually
someday" can easily mean never.
-=- I just took it the wrong way. Next time I will
ask you what you mean before jumping to conclusions.-=-
I have a better idea, than thinking "next time" or asking.
Every time you have a strong defensive reaction to anyone's input,
anywhere, think why that is.
Do a self-check about what emotions you're feeling and why, and
whether there might be some truth in the feedback you're getting,
whether it's paid for or free or thrust on you but a passing stranger.
Don't assume people are trying to hurt you.
If you can make those changes, it will be better for your family,
your kids, and for you.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
stratva
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Sara
>Sure, that'd be fine. Thanks!
> Welcome back, Sara.
>
> I'd like to link your account to the "yes" page, if you have no
> objection.
Sara