Laura Parrish

Can you guys help me with this? I used to invite my nieces to visit
fairly often for overnights, weekends. They are younger than my kids -
- 11 and 9 -- and in school. Very schooly. "Look how fast I read this
book, look how fast I do math on my computer", the little one even
calling my 13yo son "dumb" when he told her a different way to get a
multiplication answer. The schooly-ness disrupts the peace of our
home.

The youngest was put on an ADD medication a few months ago. They
visited soon after she started the medication (straterra, an anti-
depressant given to ADD dxed kids)and was sleepy and listless for the
time that she was here. My mother, dropping her off and knowing how I
feel about drugging kids so that they will behave in school, didn't
tell me what the medication was, just that Kenzie had "a pill to take
in the morning" and she could take it herself, without my help.

My niece is so thin these days. This is a side effect of this drug. I
haven't invited the girls over in several months now. I have a hard
time getting past my parents dropping the girls off, without telling
me first about the ADD drug. (These girls and their dad, my brother,
live with my parents.)

What would you do? Hold your tongue about the medication and respect
their decision to medicate her? Tell my parents that we can't keep
the girls overnight anymore and why? Is it none of my business?
Is "not in my home" a high-horse attitude to take with my parents,
who are raising two young girls and could use some time to themselves
or to visit other grandkids out of state? I'm really confused about
this.

Laura Parrish (haven't posted in ages -- read here often)

Sandra Dodd

-=-the little one even
calling my 13yo son "dumb" when he told her a different way to get a
multiplication answer. The schooly-ness disrupts the peace of our
home.-=-=

I think I would've said "Different isn't dumb," and talked to her
about not bringing schoolishness to my house.

As to the drugs, I'd let that go. Anti-depressants don't work like
aspirin. You don't take one or two when you're symptomatic (whatever
the symptoms might be), you keep a steady flow to change brain
chemistry. Skipping a couple of days won't change those days (unless
it's some kind of temporary fast-acting med I don't know anything
about, which is possible).

Just let them come over and have a break at your house. Maybe talk
to her about how she feels about the meds, if you want to help her
feel soothed about it, but her dad gets to decide that. Ostracizing
her because of her dad's decision under school pressure (if it is)
isn't very fair to her.

Sandra





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

l0v2run

--- In [email protected], "Laura Parrish" <parrishml@...>
wrote:
>
.... ...
> What would you do? Hold your tongue about the medication and respect
> their decision to medicate her? Tell my parents that we can't keep
> the girls overnight anymore and why? Is it none of my business?
> Is "not in my home" a high-horse attitude to take with my parents,
> who are raising two young girls and could use some time to themselves
> or to visit other grandkids out of state? I'm really confused about
> this.
>
> Laura Parrish (haven't posted in ages -- read here often)
>
Hi Laura, That's a tough situation. I'd try to separate which parts of
the problem I own and which I don't own, also what I have power to do
and not do, and the consequences thereof. When the children are at
your house, you can speak to them about your beliefs and give them the
message of love that Barbara Coloroso talks about in Kids Are Worth
It, but it might not help them much until much later in life. The
high-horse approach would have a somewhat predictable negative effect,
but there is no law that says you must have these people in your life.
If it were me, I'd discuss it with the children (yours and his) and
ask them how they would solve it. Please keep us posted. Best wishes,
Cynthia

Bob Collier

Hi, Laura

I don't know if this will be helpful to you in your situation, but
you might be interested in this guy:

Dr. Dave Stein
http://drdavestein.com

Bob



--- In [email protected], "Laura Parrish"
<parrishml@...> wrote:
>
> Can you guys help me with this? I used to invite my nieces to visit
> fairly often for overnights, weekends. They are younger than my
kids -
> - 11 and 9 -- and in school. Very schooly. "Look how fast I read
this
> book, look how fast I do math on my computer", the little one even
> calling my 13yo son "dumb" when he told her a different way to get
a
> multiplication answer. The schooly-ness disrupts the peace of our
> home.
>
> The youngest was put on an ADD medication a few months ago. They
> visited soon after she started the medication (straterra, an anti-
> depressant given to ADD dxed kids)and was sleepy and listless for
the
> time that she was here. My mother, dropping her off and knowing how
I
> feel about drugging kids so that they will behave in school, didn't
> tell me what the medication was, just that Kenzie had "a pill to
take
> in the morning" and she could take it herself, without my help.
>
> My niece is so thin these days. This is a side effect of this drug.
I
> haven't invited the girls over in several months now. I have a hard
> time getting past my parents dropping the girls off, without
telling
> me first about the ADD drug. (These girls and their dad, my
brother,
> live with my parents.)
>
> What would you do? Hold your tongue about the medication and
respect
> their decision to medicate her? Tell my parents that we can't keep
> the girls overnight anymore and why? Is it none of my business?
> Is "not in my home" a high-horse attitude to take with my parents,
> who are raising two young girls and could use some time to
themselves
> or to visit other grandkids out of state? I'm really confused about
> this.
>
> Laura Parrish (haven't posted in ages -- read here often)
>

Thea LaCross

We had to work out how to handle a very similar situation with my
son's best friend, who moved a couple of hours away and comes to stay
with us for weeks at a time. Over the years he has been medicated for
ADD and (more recently) depression, and always arrives with containers
of meds.

I'm horrified at what the adults in his life (single mom and school
authorities) want to put into this marvelously bright, creative kid.
I have been able to see what some of the meds to do him, and have had
conversations with his mother (who has many medical problems and has a
healthcare-related job) about what he takes and why. In the end,
since he loves coming here and we love having him, that was the first
priority. Here's what we do.

First, I make sure I know what all the pills coming into our house
with him are. Sometimes they arrive in the wrong containers, with no
info, and I think THAT is dangerous. I want to know about side
effects and symptoms. Sometimes this means calling up the mother to
clarify, or looking them up on the internet if she's not sure (which
is amazing to me all by itself.)

If whatever meds he is currently on (they often change between visits)
can be used 'as needed', I ask his mother if we could try NOT giving
them while he's here. As time has gone by, she's agreed to this. We
let him know that if he feels he NEEDS to have that med he is free to
have it (this has only happened twice.)

The depression meds and others which can't be safely stopped and
started just have to continue while he's here. We try to make it no
big deal although he does have to be reminded to take them, which I
must admit is hard to do.

As the boys have grown (they're now young teens) we've been able to
talk about his school situation, and how he feels about the medicine.
He knows we support his being who HE is, and that we love him that
way. Being part of our unschooling life gives him a breather and
chance to see that there are other ways to learn and live.

All we can give to other people's children, much as we care about
them, is our love and a chance to relax with folks who think they're
fine the way they are. Sometimes we can help the parents -- I think
it's useful for his mother to know that we appreciate who he really
is, unlike their relatives, the school, and other people in his
strictly-controlled life who prefer a quiet, apparently compliant
robot. She can gets to see him through a different lens, too.

Thea (long-time lurker)




--- In [email protected], "Laura Parrish" <parrishml@...>
wrote:
I have a hard time getting past my parents dropping the girls off,
without telling
> me first about the ADD drug. (These girls and their dad, my brother,
> live with my parents.)
>
> What would you do? Hold your tongue about the medication and respect
> their decision to medicate her? Tell my parents that we can't keep
> the girls overnight anymore and why? Is it none of my business?
> Is "not in my home" a high-horse attitude to take with my parents,
> who are raising two young girls and could use some time to themselves
> or to visit other grandkids out of state? I'm really confused about
> this.