Sandra Dodd

From:
Subject: about your porn article
Date: March 23, 2007 12:32:51 AM MDT
To: Sandra@...

Hello Sandra. I enjoyed your website. I do have some problems with
your approach to telling your kids about pornography. I get from
your writing that you have an adverse reaction to anything that might
resemble or imply "discipline," as you seem to have remembered it.
Albeit from your family or families you knew, I don't think
banishment or the word "no" or an ominous tone of voice are
particularly harmful to a kid's self-esteem or their understanding.
Sometimes you have to understand that kids already understand that it
IS wrong. It seemed that your son DID understand that. Instincts,
life experience, and having a good mom taught him that before he was
even 12.

It's very important to not fall into a category of "cool" mom or the
laid back one just to appease your kids. Seeing fear in your kids
eyes is not always a bad thing. After all, you want your kid to be
afraid to jump off a cliff, not slickly talked out of it with a Dairy
Queen blizzard in hand. Sometimes there is no other way than to say,
"NO. HELL NO." You don't always have to explain yourself. Your kid
should trust your judgement. And you should trust and accept that
your kid will not like you all the time. Just because a situation is
uncomfortable for you and your kid does not mean that it is damaging
to them. This is food for thought. Perhaps you've thought about
much of this. Let me know what you think.

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So...
I was already bristly from phrases like "...'discipline,' as you seem
to have remembered it" and the implication that I could or would
write as much as I've written based on my families or families I knew
(though I suppose some people have written much more based on much
less)... and here was my response. The writing he chose to call
my "porn article" is this:
http://sandradodd.com/sex
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From: Sandra@...
Subject: Re: about your porn article
Date: March 23, 2007 8:31:44 AM MDT
To:

#1, I don't have "a porn article" and I nearly deleted your e-mail
unread as spam. Be careful what you name things.

-=- Perhaps you've thought about much of this. Let me know what you
think.-=-

You've already found a website that lets you know what I think.
I've thought about ALL of what you wrote, for years.
You haven't thought about all of what I wrote, though, and are
already in the process of rejecting it. So I understand your point
of view and mine as well, while you only understand yours and seem to
want me to take mine back.

-=Albeit from your family or families you knew, I don't think
banishment or the word "no" or an ominous tone of voice are
particularly harmful to a kid's self-esteem or their understanding.-=-

This is quite belittling of my experience: "your family or families
you knew." I can't help but think of hundreds of kids I taught,
hundreds of unschooling families I've worked with (and hundreds of
families I've worked with a little in which unschooling failed
because the parents clung to things that hampered it), and the
hundreds of families I've known in my life of observing people.
People also tend to tell me their life stories in detail; always
have. My knowledge isn't just based on my family and families I knew
(why the past tense there!?).

-=-After all, you want your kid to be afraid to jump off a cliff, not
slickly talked out of it with a Dairy Queen blizzard in hand.-=-

My kids have never desired to jump off a cliff. I have two friends
who killed themselves when they were 14 and 15. They didn't jump off
a cliff, each used a gun. Their parents said "NO" a lot. Their
parents wouldn't have "let" them shoot themselves in the head, and
yet they chose, even though they were surely afraid, to shoot
themselves in the head rather than wake up the next day still in that
family. If a kid would decide not to jump for an ice cream treat, he
didn't really want to jump much. (I'll put a link at the bottom
about some of the things parents believe their kids would do if they
didn't say "no".)

-=-You don't always have to explain yourself. -=-

I don't have to, but I have chosen to do so, since my children were
very young, and my results are good.

-=-Your kid should trust your judgement. -=-

They do, because I have chosen to explain myself and so they KNOW
that when I tell them something I'll be able to explain why.
Sometimes they don't even ask for the explanation because they trust
that I have one. They don't trust me out of fear, they trust me out
of respect and understanding.

-=-Just because a situation is uncomfortable for you and your kid
does not mean that it is damaging to them.-=-

Just because a parent thinks a kid isn't damaged doesn't mean the kid
isn't being damaged.

These might help you move another step away from thinking that "no"
never hurts, if you're interested.

http://sandradodd.com/ifilet
http://sandradodd.com/yes
http://sandradodd.com/choices

=========================
(end of quotes)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Annie

I'm brand new to this list so I hope it's okay that I jump in here. I
am new to this concept of unschooling and I want to learn all I can
even though my little one is just 14m old.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that article. I
hadn't seen it on your site until I saw that message here, but it was
refreshing to me. Wow, what a way to handle the situation! I hope that
I can learn to react so calmly and with so much respect for my
children when those kinds of situations arise. It's a completely
different way of dealing with things than what I grew up with,
especially coming from a very conservative background. It's so
wonderful to see someone who can approach that without condemning or
shaming their child.