Funeral Help...
Julie W in AR
Hi all.
DS is 14. My FIL is in the final stages of Alzheimers and will pass within the next few weeks.
DH is insistant that ds go to the funral which is about 11 hours away. Dh thinks that is is only right and proper to go to your grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make his mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer happy. Dh belives that in life there are just somethings one has to do.
DS does not want to go.
He will not stop going on about it.
I am trying to be sympthetic since I am not going (too many animals, no one to care for them and no money for a kennel) and I do understand his points:
*He hardly remembers his grandfather
*It might happen over the weekend of his birthday
*My nephew (my sister's son) will be here in a few weeks and ds is worred about missing
his visit
*various and other reasons
I'm almost to the point of bribing him to get him to just go and make his dad happy. DH sees this as a serious charecter flaw to not want to put aside his feelings and do what my husband thinks is the right and expected thing in this situation.
I'm kinda tired of listening to the constant bitching since the poor man has not even died yet and I find it distasteful to listen to ds discuss when would be the best time for this wonderful person die....but I also want to be a buffer (and allow ds to express his feelings/opinons) between him and my husband so this does not make this painful time worse for my hubby who really is a good father and his dad was just one of the best human beings I have ever known.
A bit of background. Dh has never bought into unschooling completely and thinks I've spoiled ds some and do not require enough of him, but has been for the most part been outwardly supportive/hands off because ds is really a great teen. Ds also has always had a BIG problem with new situations and have come very far I think some of his issue is more about the fact that he has never been to a funeral.
Julie Woolfolk
www.damngoodvintage.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
DS is 14. My FIL is in the final stages of Alzheimers and will pass within the next few weeks.
DH is insistant that ds go to the funral which is about 11 hours away. Dh thinks that is is only right and proper to go to your grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make his mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer happy. Dh belives that in life there are just somethings one has to do.
DS does not want to go.
He will not stop going on about it.
I am trying to be sympthetic since I am not going (too many animals, no one to care for them and no money for a kennel) and I do understand his points:
*He hardly remembers his grandfather
*It might happen over the weekend of his birthday
*My nephew (my sister's son) will be here in a few weeks and ds is worred about missing
his visit
*various and other reasons
I'm almost to the point of bribing him to get him to just go and make his dad happy. DH sees this as a serious charecter flaw to not want to put aside his feelings and do what my husband thinks is the right and expected thing in this situation.
I'm kinda tired of listening to the constant bitching since the poor man has not even died yet and I find it distasteful to listen to ds discuss when would be the best time for this wonderful person die....but I also want to be a buffer (and allow ds to express his feelings/opinons) between him and my husband so this does not make this painful time worse for my hubby who really is a good father and his dad was just one of the best human beings I have ever known.
A bit of background. Dh has never bought into unschooling completely and thinks I've spoiled ds some and do not require enough of him, but has been for the most part been outwardly supportive/hands off because ds is really a great teen. Ds also has always had a BIG problem with new situations and have come very far I think some of his issue is more about the fact that he has never been to a funeral.
Julie Woolfolk
www.damngoodvintage.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
My first thought is that if your husband really cared about the
relationship, he should've taken the grandson to be with the
grandfather pre-Alzheimer's (if that was possible). He didn't. He
probably feels bad now.
The dad probably wants to be seen (at the funeral) as a good dad by
relatives he hasn't seen for a while.
IF (not saying is, but if) the dad is unconsciously wanting to use
the boy as a prop, that's not a good idea for the grandson to be there.
Maybe the dad feels that way but doesn't know it.
That might or might not help.
Sandra
relationship, he should've taken the grandson to be with the
grandfather pre-Alzheimer's (if that was possible). He didn't. He
probably feels bad now.
The dad probably wants to be seen (at the funeral) as a good dad by
relatives he hasn't seen for a while.
IF (not saying is, but if) the dad is unconsciously wanting to use
the boy as a prop, that's not a good idea for the grandson to be there.
Maybe the dad feels that way but doesn't know it.
That might or might not help.
Sandra
Julie W in AR
Hey Sandra,
Oops, my bad. Jim is not the son who never visits. Actually those are the only vacations he takes, the ones to visit his family.
DS says he does not remember his grandfather, BUT pre alzheimer's we saw them 3 or 4 times a year from about age 5-10 (aprox I'm always iffy on my memory...before that we saw them more often since we lived closer) and dh has taken ds on each trip he has made since fil got sick. He has only been really bad for the last 2 years (and they did stop by the nursing home on those visits) so DS saw him as much as a lot of kids who's granparents live far away.
BUT he may really not remember him or have bonded with him even though fil was never cold or indifferant to ds. When we saw them fil always spent time playing with ds or doing "farm stuff" like riding on the tractor when we went to their place.
Jim was just there a few weeks ago to spend a week with mil to care for her after her mastectomy since he had vacation time and his brothers who live there did not. and her mother just died (I know, poor woman) and dh even went along with ds's wishes not to attend that funeral.
I guess I want to make everyone happy and I can't.
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
My first thought is that if your husband really cared about the
relationship, he should've taken the grandson to be with the
grandfather pre-Alzheimer's (if that was possible). He didn't. He
probably feels bad now.
The dad probably wants to be seen (at the funeral) as a good dad by
relatives he hasn't seen for a while.
IF (not saying is, but if) the dad is unconsciously wanting to use
the boy as a prop, that's not a good idea for the grandson to be there.
Maybe the dad feels that way but doesn't know it.
That might or might not help.
Sandra
Julie Woolfolk
www.damngoodvintage.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Oops, my bad. Jim is not the son who never visits. Actually those are the only vacations he takes, the ones to visit his family.
DS says he does not remember his grandfather, BUT pre alzheimer's we saw them 3 or 4 times a year from about age 5-10 (aprox I'm always iffy on my memory...before that we saw them more often since we lived closer) and dh has taken ds on each trip he has made since fil got sick. He has only been really bad for the last 2 years (and they did stop by the nursing home on those visits) so DS saw him as much as a lot of kids who's granparents live far away.
BUT he may really not remember him or have bonded with him even though fil was never cold or indifferant to ds. When we saw them fil always spent time playing with ds or doing "farm stuff" like riding on the tractor when we went to their place.
Jim was just there a few weeks ago to spend a week with mil to care for her after her mastectomy since he had vacation time and his brothers who live there did not. and her mother just died (I know, poor woman) and dh even went along with ds's wishes not to attend that funeral.
I guess I want to make everyone happy and I can't.
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
My first thought is that if your husband really cared about the
relationship, he should've taken the grandson to be with the
grandfather pre-Alzheimer's (if that was possible). He didn't. He
probably feels bad now.
The dad probably wants to be seen (at the funeral) as a good dad by
relatives he hasn't seen for a while.
IF (not saying is, but if) the dad is unconsciously wanting to use
the boy as a prop, that's not a good idea for the grandson to be there.
Maybe the dad feels that way but doesn't know it.
That might or might not help.
Sandra
Julie Woolfolk
www.damngoodvintage.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Marcoccia
I refused to go to my step-grandfather's funeral when I was 15 and
thankfully my parents let it ride. I was not only extremely
disturbed by the funeral-thing in general, I was a real introvert and
also had things to do which at the time seemed really important to me
(my best friend's 15th b-day for one). In my estimation, funerals
are for the living and if your son doesn't feel it the appropriate
place to do his grieving , so be it. I also think that all of the
stress associated with your family and the talk of imminent death can
play a role in his anxiety level, as well as the prospect of
spending a few days alone with his dad who obviously isn't really
connecting with him. You can guilt him into going for the sake of
his father or grandmother, but it sounds as if this would really
damage his trust in y'all.
Robin
thankfully my parents let it ride. I was not only extremely
disturbed by the funeral-thing in general, I was a real introvert and
also had things to do which at the time seemed really important to me
(my best friend's 15th b-day for one). In my estimation, funerals
are for the living and if your son doesn't feel it the appropriate
place to do his grieving , so be it. I also think that all of the
stress associated with your family and the talk of imminent death can
play a role in his anxiety level, as well as the prospect of
spending a few days alone with his dad who obviously isn't really
connecting with him. You can guilt him into going for the sake of
his father or grandmother, but it sounds as if this would really
damage his trust in y'all.
Robin
>> .[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
Vida
When my FIL was dying I told him I wouldn't come to the funeral OR
bring the girls. Personally, I don't agree with the whole funeral
thing and I don't go to them. When my father died, he was cremated.
He didn't want funerals either. He didn't want the people he loved
in an environment where grief begets more grief. So he wanted us to
gather together at home and celebrate his life. It was MUCH better
than dressing in black and diving head-first into that role. I'm not
belittling the pain felt with losing a loved one, but I never
understood how the whole idea of respect slips into one's decision to
go to a funeral or not (among other things). When we didn't show up
at my FIL's funeral, the village freaked out. They said all sorts of
things about me. But in truth, my respect for him runs deep. Each
time I look at the things he loved I remember him with love. I still
grieve for both my father and my FIL, but there is no need to make it
all public. Grieving is a very personal process.
When my grandparents died, to tell you the truth, I didn't really
grieve. I wasn't that close to them, so just because they were my
grandfathers doesn't mean I automatically HAD to feel connected to
them. I didn't and I also didn't feel much of a loss because they
weren't in my life more than 3 or 4 times a year (as a child) and
MUCH less as an adult. If this is how your son is feeling, then
naturally other things in his life are more important and IMHO I
think that's just fine and as it should be.
The *problem* seems to be 100% with DH and the things he's dealing
with. Is he receptive enough right now to listen to your concerns
about it all? I know how difficult it can be when the spouse is not
entirely 100% with you. My DH, for instance, doesn't have a problem
with each person deciding where they want to go or not go (funerals)
but he does freak a bit when he sees the girls playing runescape, or
just being on the computer for more than 3 hours (I am proud to say
that I got over that one). As Robin said, you can guilt him into
going. That would appease DH's issues and *keep peace* in the house,
but what about DS? It would seem that if he absolutely had to go
that it would help if you could be there too. From your post it does
seem that he is more connected with you, and since he may have to go,
at least he'll have someone on his side when the relatives with their
own ideas are around. If he does have to go, can you get someone to
take care of the animals so you can go too?
Please know that I write my thoughts with the utmost respect. I am
not one to pad my words. I say what I think. Take what is useful to
you and chuck the rest.
Vida
bring the girls. Personally, I don't agree with the whole funeral
thing and I don't go to them. When my father died, he was cremated.
He didn't want funerals either. He didn't want the people he loved
in an environment where grief begets more grief. So he wanted us to
gather together at home and celebrate his life. It was MUCH better
than dressing in black and diving head-first into that role. I'm not
belittling the pain felt with losing a loved one, but I never
understood how the whole idea of respect slips into one's decision to
go to a funeral or not (among other things). When we didn't show up
at my FIL's funeral, the village freaked out. They said all sorts of
things about me. But in truth, my respect for him runs deep. Each
time I look at the things he loved I remember him with love. I still
grieve for both my father and my FIL, but there is no need to make it
all public. Grieving is a very personal process.
When my grandparents died, to tell you the truth, I didn't really
grieve. I wasn't that close to them, so just because they were my
grandfathers doesn't mean I automatically HAD to feel connected to
them. I didn't and I also didn't feel much of a loss because they
weren't in my life more than 3 or 4 times a year (as a child) and
MUCH less as an adult. If this is how your son is feeling, then
naturally other things in his life are more important and IMHO I
think that's just fine and as it should be.
The *problem* seems to be 100% with DH and the things he's dealing
with. Is he receptive enough right now to listen to your concerns
about it all? I know how difficult it can be when the spouse is not
entirely 100% with you. My DH, for instance, doesn't have a problem
with each person deciding where they want to go or not go (funerals)
but he does freak a bit when he sees the girls playing runescape, or
just being on the computer for more than 3 hours (I am proud to say
that I got over that one). As Robin said, you can guilt him into
going. That would appease DH's issues and *keep peace* in the house,
but what about DS? It would seem that if he absolutely had to go
that it would help if you could be there too. From your post it does
seem that he is more connected with you, and since he may have to go,
at least he'll have someone on his side when the relatives with their
own ideas are around. If he does have to go, can you get someone to
take care of the animals so you can go too?
Please know that I write my thoughts with the utmost respect. I am
not one to pad my words. I say what I think. Take what is useful to
you and chuck the rest.
Vida
Barbara Mullins
--- In [email protected], Julie W in AR <jjjwoolfolk@...>
wrote:
grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make his
mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer happy. Dh
belives that in life there are just somethings one has to do.
understand his points:
want to put aside his feelings and do what my husband thinks is the
right and expected thing in this situation.
the last few years. My grandmother (who I was close to) died last
January. I didn't force my 7yo (at the time) to go to the funeral. He
did join us for the dinner afterwards though and he was like a breath
of fresh air after all the sobbing at the funeral. I had bought him a
nice outfit because at first he said he wanted to go but when we got
into town he told me he really didn't want see grandma in the box they
were going to put under the ground and he wanted to remember her
alive, so I let him stay at his other Grandma's house. I was in charge
of all the funeral arrangements and so he was pretty well aware what
was going on, plus his Grandpa (other family side) had just died a
couple of years earlier. My mom died when he was just a baby so he
only really knows her from pictures but he knows that I miss her.
Anyhow, if I were you I would make sure your ds understands that
if he goes he is probably going more for his Dad than anyone else.
Although I'm sure the Grandma will be happy to see him she will be
very busy with all the guests and probably won't be able to spend much
time with him. Perhaps he could go and see her now? Even visit the
Grandpa while he is still alive to say good-byes and then be able to
more easily bow out of going to the funeral? Funerals are for the
living and honestly I wish they would get rid of the whole ordeal and
have just a big family reunion instead, that would make the deceased a
lot more happy than the flowers and everyone talking about how good a
job the beauticians did on their corpses!
My oldest cat died just a few weeks ago, I cried and cried as he
pretty basically died in my arms. I knew he was going as he had been
sick and lethargic and I could just tell (he was almost 18) but it was
still really painful for me to let go. My son (who's 8 now, almost 9)
was so very brave and loving and petted him and told him good-bye and
that he was going to miss him (he also petted me a lot and told me he
loved me lots.) He has also been petting our other cats more than
usual and we talked about it a little and I think he understands that
death makes live more important and so we must make good use of our
life. So if anything I think him keeping control over not having to go
to the funeral was more useful for him than enduring another funeral
would have been. HTH - Barbara
wrote:
>pass within the next few weeks.
> Hi all.
>
> DS is 14. My FIL is in the final stages of Alzheimers and will
> DH is insistant that ds go to the funral which is about 11 hoursaway. Dh thinks that is is only right and proper to go to your
grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make his
mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer happy. Dh
belives that in life there are just somethings one has to do.
> DS does not want to go.animals, no one to care for them and no money for a kennel) and I do
> He will not stop going on about it.
> I am trying to be sympthetic since I am not going (too many
understand his points:
> *He hardly remembers his grandfatherworred about missing
> *It might happen over the weekend of his birthday
> *My nephew (my sister's son) will be here in a few weeks and ds is
> his visitmake his dad happy. DH sees this as a serious charecter flaw to not
> *various and other reasons
>
> I'm almost to the point of bribing him to get him to just go and
want to put aside his feelings and do what my husband thinks is the
right and expected thing in this situation.
>I feel your pain. We have seen too many deaths in our family in
the last few years. My grandmother (who I was close to) died last
January. I didn't force my 7yo (at the time) to go to the funeral. He
did join us for the dinner afterwards though and he was like a breath
of fresh air after all the sobbing at the funeral. I had bought him a
nice outfit because at first he said he wanted to go but when we got
into town he told me he really didn't want see grandma in the box they
were going to put under the ground and he wanted to remember her
alive, so I let him stay at his other Grandma's house. I was in charge
of all the funeral arrangements and so he was pretty well aware what
was going on, plus his Grandpa (other family side) had just died a
couple of years earlier. My mom died when he was just a baby so he
only really knows her from pictures but he knows that I miss her.
Anyhow, if I were you I would make sure your ds understands that
if he goes he is probably going more for his Dad than anyone else.
Although I'm sure the Grandma will be happy to see him she will be
very busy with all the guests and probably won't be able to spend much
time with him. Perhaps he could go and see her now? Even visit the
Grandpa while he is still alive to say good-byes and then be able to
more easily bow out of going to the funeral? Funerals are for the
living and honestly I wish they would get rid of the whole ordeal and
have just a big family reunion instead, that would make the deceased a
lot more happy than the flowers and everyone talking about how good a
job the beauticians did on their corpses!
My oldest cat died just a few weeks ago, I cried and cried as he
pretty basically died in my arms. I knew he was going as he had been
sick and lethargic and I could just tell (he was almost 18) but it was
still really painful for me to let go. My son (who's 8 now, almost 9)
was so very brave and loving and petted him and told him good-bye and
that he was going to miss him (he also petted me a lot and told me he
loved me lots.) He has also been petting our other cats more than
usual and we talked about it a little and I think he understands that
death makes live more important and so we must make good use of our
life. So if anything I think him keeping control over not having to go
to the funeral was more useful for him than enduring another funeral
would have been. HTH - Barbara
space_and_freedom
> > Julie W in AR <jjjwoolfolk@>I second the motion. I was going to suggest that being there to say
> > wrote:
> >
> > Hi all.
> >
> > DS is 14. My FIL is in the final stages of Alzheimers and will
> > pass within the next few weeks.
> > DH is insistant that ds go to the funral which is about 11 hours
> > away. Dh thinks that is is only right and proper to go to your
> > grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make
> > his mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer
> > happy. Dh belives that in life there are just somethings one has
> > to do. DS does not want to go.
> "Barbara Mullins" <mozafamily@...> wrote:
> Even visit the
> Grandpa while he is still alive to say good-byes and then be able to
> more easily bow out of going to the funeral?
goodbye while the Grandpa is alive would mean more for your son long
term. When I was 12 my grandpa was dying of lung cancer. We visited
and before we left my Dad told us to say goodbye. I mumbled goodbye,
and now wish I had said more (though he was probably beyond hearing at
that point), but I am *very* glad I had at least that little goodbye.
He died while we were on our drive home.
At the funeral, my sister (then 14) looked in the open casket and has
regretted that ever since. She cannot remember our Grandpa in life,
the picture of him in the casket is all she sees when she thinks of him.
Maybe the trip to say goodbye would mean enough to the MIL to allow
your husband let your son out of the funeral.
Could your son stay home with a "baby sitter" and take care of the
animals while *you* go to the funeral. Maybe your husband needs the
extra support during this *very* hard time for him.
My condolences.
Jen
space_and_freedom
[email protected]
DS is 14. My FIL is in the final stages of Alzheimers and will
doesn't want to go to a funeral they shouldn't its personal for each one..... I
too have nightmares about my grandmother's funeral. All I can remember is her
laying in the casket.
Now..the only thing I would worry about is 1. Has he ever gone to a funeral?
2. I wouldn't want his first funeral experience to be with someone super
close...like his parents..
My sil didn't and doesn't go to funerals...even as an adult. It was just
know that she couldn't "do" them... Well she had to go a couple of years
ago..her roommate died suddenly... She actually did okay.
If you can't agree on something with your husband.. Maybe if he forces him
to go..it would be with the understanding that if he really can't handle it he
can get up and go out in the hall..
Sandy
<BR><BR><BR>**************************************<BR> AOL now offers free
email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at
http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> > pass within the next few weeks.I am coming in late on this conversation.. But I feel that if someone
> > DH is insistant that ds go to the funral which is about 11 hours
> > away. Dh thinks that is is only right and proper to go to your
> > grandfather's funeral. If for no other reason then it will make
> > his mother (my MIL) who has just begun chemo for breast cancer
> > happy. Dh belives that in life there are just somethings one has
> > to do. DS does not want to go.
doesn't want to go to a funeral they shouldn't its personal for each one..... I
too have nightmares about my grandmother's funeral. All I can remember is her
laying in the casket.
Now..the only thing I would worry about is 1. Has he ever gone to a funeral?
2. I wouldn't want his first funeral experience to be with someone super
close...like his parents..
My sil didn't and doesn't go to funerals...even as an adult. It was just
know that she couldn't "do" them... Well she had to go a couple of years
ago..her roommate died suddenly... She actually did okay.
If you can't agree on something with your husband.. Maybe if he forces him
to go..it would be with the understanding that if he really can't handle it he
can get up and go out in the hall..
Sandy
<BR><BR><BR>**************************************<BR> AOL now offers free
email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at
http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]