Loving Children
Mary Hickman
Hello Everyone,
I'm Mary, the mom with the rudish 7 year old. Thank you all for posting your
thoughts. I'm getting exactly what I wanted from the list. A reminder that
loving my children is very important each and every day even when they seem
unlovable. Small moments of quality time being present sure refill those
cups. Children behave negativley sometimes because you (parent) are
expecting it and even setting the stage for the negative to unfold. When
kids have real work, they forget to pester eachother. Good physical activity
is essential to our home's peace. It is ok to let the kids enjoy their games
and tools, like TV and computer. My daughter seems more beautiful to me this
week than last because I see the beauty she radiates. I'm getting blinders
for her saucy words. They can roll off of me and I can tell her when she has
hurt me. She is exploring relating. I want to be here for her to practice,
all of it.
Again Thank you
Mary
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I'm Mary, the mom with the rudish 7 year old. Thank you all for posting your
thoughts. I'm getting exactly what I wanted from the list. A reminder that
loving my children is very important each and every day even when they seem
unlovable. Small moments of quality time being present sure refill those
cups. Children behave negativley sometimes because you (parent) are
expecting it and even setting the stage for the negative to unfold. When
kids have real work, they forget to pester eachother. Good physical activity
is essential to our home's peace. It is ok to let the kids enjoy their games
and tools, like TV and computer. My daughter seems more beautiful to me this
week than last because I see the beauty she radiates. I'm getting blinders
for her saucy words. They can roll off of me and I can tell her when she has
hurt me. She is exploring relating. I want to be here for her to practice,
all of it.
Again Thank you
Mary
_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.
Peggy
That's wonderful Mary! One thing that has really helped me is changing
the vocabulary I learned as a child, the kind of negative terms for
normal kid actions that were so common then, into words that are more
respectful of a child's reality. Changing the words in my head made *me*
more patient and understanding. So, children don't talk back in my
house, although they might interrupt and need a little guidance on how
to do that more effectively. And I try, don't always succeed, in seeing
the "rudeness" in my children as an opportunity to show them how our
actions influence how others respond to us. I think that I was really
short changed as a child when an adult would slap a label on an action
of mine without really trying to respond to the need behind it.
I find that when a "button" of mine really gets "pushed" that I need to
look at it closely and use it as an opportunity to examine old hurts and
assumptions about life and living with others that I learned as a child
that might be valid and might not be. In other words, just because it
pushes me strongly doesn't mean I am automatically *right*.
Peggy
Mary Hickman wrote:
the vocabulary I learned as a child, the kind of negative terms for
normal kid actions that were so common then, into words that are more
respectful of a child's reality. Changing the words in my head made *me*
more patient and understanding. So, children don't talk back in my
house, although they might interrupt and need a little guidance on how
to do that more effectively. And I try, don't always succeed, in seeing
the "rudeness" in my children as an opportunity to show them how our
actions influence how others respond to us. I think that I was really
short changed as a child when an adult would slap a label on an action
of mine without really trying to respond to the need behind it.
I find that when a "button" of mine really gets "pushed" that I need to
look at it closely and use it as an opportunity to examine old hurts and
assumptions about life and living with others that I learned as a child
that might be valid and might not be. In other words, just because it
pushes me strongly doesn't mean I am automatically *right*.
Peggy
Mary Hickman wrote:
>
> Hello Everyone,
>
> I'm Mary, the mom with the rudish 7 year old. Thank you all for posting your
> thoughts. I'm getting exactly what I wanted from the list. A reminder that
> loving my children is very important each and every day even when they seem
> unlovable. Small moments of quality time being present sure refill those
> cups. Children behave negativley sometimes because you (parent) are
> expecting it and even setting the stage for the negative to unfold. When
> kids have real work, they forget to pester eachother. Good physical activity
> is essential to our home's peace. It is ok to let the kids enjoy their games
> and tools, like TV and computer. My daughter seems more beautiful to me this
> week than last because I see the beauty she radiates. I'm getting blinders
> for her saucy words. They can roll off of me and I can tell her when she has
> hurt me. She is exploring relating. I want to be here for her to practice,
> all of it.
>
> Again Thank you
> Mary
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.
>
>
> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
>
>
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[email protected]
Hi Mary,
I'm glad things are happier at your house.
You know, behavior of any kind is communication. Good behavior is a kind
of communication we all accept. And what we call bad behavior is just
what society has labeled unacceptable communication.
Communication is a very difficult thing. It involves translating our
thoughts into language and then presenting it to someone who can
translate our language into thought. Encoding and decoding. Bad
behavior is a way to translate frustration into a (non verbal) kind of
language that others can decode. The trouble is, sometimes we don't
decode it the way the person would like us to. When you remember that
all behavior has a goal, then you can understand that bad behavior,
misbehavior, has a goal as well. The person is trying to tell us
something that they have not found the verbal language to express and
they are trying to achieve some goal by communicating with you. You may
not LIKE the method of communication <g> but it IS a connection between
you. The real challenge is understanding that and helping the person
achieve their goal. When you can do that, understand their particular
form of (misbehavior) communication, then ( this is my theory, anyway<g>)
you can help them find less disruptive ways to communicate their
frustrations and achieve their goals.
Imagine what a parent's negative reaction to a child's (misbehavior)
attempt at communication says to the child. "I don't care what you
want." "I don't care what you need" That's what a child trying to
communicate a goal or desire (misbehaving) hears in reply to her efforts
when a parent spanks. (ALSO, a form of nonverbal communication but
interestingly enough, NOT considered by the offender to be unacceptable.
) Most parents would never say to a child who politely asks for
something to eat "I don't care if you're hungry!" But that's exactly
what's happening when parents flip out over misbehavior. That's the
message the child gets. That's ugly.
When you think about it, there are lots of people who can't communicate
well with JUST language. I think kids especially might not have all the
language skills yet to express complex thoughts and desires. Must be a
real stinker!
So when you think about it this way, you actually end up with an
intelligent child who is trying desperately to make connections, instead
of just a brat. Sounds much nicer doesn't it? It might not be as nice
to LIVE with, but no one ever said having a smart kid would be easy,
right? <g>
I have a little nephew, blind and deaf who has taught me worlds about
communication. (Sometimes in a very painful way<G>.)
His mother has this quote on her wall, by Albert Camus
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible
summer."
Hang in there Mary!
I wasn't implying YOU are a spanker, just using an extreme example of
reaction to misbehavior. ( Just a little disclaimer. <G>)
Deb L
I'm glad things are happier at your house.
You know, behavior of any kind is communication. Good behavior is a kind
of communication we all accept. And what we call bad behavior is just
what society has labeled unacceptable communication.
Communication is a very difficult thing. It involves translating our
thoughts into language and then presenting it to someone who can
translate our language into thought. Encoding and decoding. Bad
behavior is a way to translate frustration into a (non verbal) kind of
language that others can decode. The trouble is, sometimes we don't
decode it the way the person would like us to. When you remember that
all behavior has a goal, then you can understand that bad behavior,
misbehavior, has a goal as well. The person is trying to tell us
something that they have not found the verbal language to express and
they are trying to achieve some goal by communicating with you. You may
not LIKE the method of communication <g> but it IS a connection between
you. The real challenge is understanding that and helping the person
achieve their goal. When you can do that, understand their particular
form of (misbehavior) communication, then ( this is my theory, anyway<g>)
you can help them find less disruptive ways to communicate their
frustrations and achieve their goals.
Imagine what a parent's negative reaction to a child's (misbehavior)
attempt at communication says to the child. "I don't care what you
want." "I don't care what you need" That's what a child trying to
communicate a goal or desire (misbehaving) hears in reply to her efforts
when a parent spanks. (ALSO, a form of nonverbal communication but
interestingly enough, NOT considered by the offender to be unacceptable.
) Most parents would never say to a child who politely asks for
something to eat "I don't care if you're hungry!" But that's exactly
what's happening when parents flip out over misbehavior. That's the
message the child gets. That's ugly.
When you think about it, there are lots of people who can't communicate
well with JUST language. I think kids especially might not have all the
language skills yet to express complex thoughts and desires. Must be a
real stinker!
So when you think about it this way, you actually end up with an
intelligent child who is trying desperately to make connections, instead
of just a brat. Sounds much nicer doesn't it? It might not be as nice
to LIVE with, but no one ever said having a smart kid would be easy,
right? <g>
I have a little nephew, blind and deaf who has taught me worlds about
communication. (Sometimes in a very painful way<G>.)
His mother has this quote on her wall, by Albert Camus
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible
summer."
Hang in there Mary!
I wasn't implying YOU are a spanker, just using an extreme example of
reaction to misbehavior. ( Just a little disclaimer. <G>)
Deb L
Jessica Kelly
Good morning, Mary! I'm so happy to see your happy message. I know we talked
about the Spirited Child book, but I have to say that the most useful thing I've
ever read -- and I just read it last week -- is the Mothering article on
compassionate communication. It really goes to the heart of learning a new way
to connect with our kids. If you don't get Mothering and you want to borrow
mine, stop by or give a call.
peace & oxoxoxox
--
Jessica Kelly
W o r d U p
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"There would be no greater joy than to see a beautiful park
that our children and adults can go to and learn about the
oil and gas industry."
- Tony Sanchez, former Texas Parks & Wildlife Commissioner
[it's all about oil...]
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
about the Spirited Child book, but I have to say that the most useful thing I've
ever read -- and I just read it last week -- is the Mothering article on
compassionate communication. It really goes to the heart of learning a new way
to connect with our kids. If you don't get Mothering and you want to borrow
mine, stop by or give a call.
peace & oxoxoxox
--
Jessica Kelly
W o r d U p
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"There would be no greater joy than to see a beautiful park
that our children and adults can go to and learn about the
oil and gas industry."
- Tony Sanchez, former Texas Parks & Wildlife Commissioner
[it's all about oil...]
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Nanci Kuykendall
>That's wonderful Mary! One thing that has reallyYes that has helped us a lot too. Language is so
>helped me is changing the vocabulary I learned as a
>child, the kind of negative terms for normal kid
>actions that were so common then, into words that are
>more respectful of a child's reality.
>Peggy
important to communication. The words that you use
color the physical body language that you use to
convey them. Using negative or accusatory words that
place blame and guilt causes unconscious physical
messages to be conveyed in tone, inflection, stance,
gesture, etc. It also causes automatic reactions in
listeners. Even if a person is being addressed with
words they have never heard before and do not know the
meaning of (as in children) they will pick up all
those physical clues and infer meaning from them.
One term we have found usefull is "disrespectful."
That applies equally in our house to adults and
children, and we try our utmost to respect each other,
and to point out to the children (to facilitate
learning for them) when we have been disrespectful to
them in apologizing for bad behavior on our part. We
try to remind them when their behavior is
disrespectful to others, and they have been really
responsive to this type of fair minded equal treatment
and meet the challenge of behaving respectfully
towards others with the same determination and effort
that my husband and I do.
Nanci K.
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In a message dated 1/19/02 11:30:27 AM Mountain Standard Time,
ddzimlew@... writes:
Her response to "I'm hungry" was "No you're not," or "You've never been
hungry a day in your life."
Because she had been from a poor ignorant family and lived through dust-bowl
depression stuff, then WE were never allowed to say "hungry."
I haven't known anyone in modern times (anyone my age or younger <g>) say any
such thing to a kid, for which I'm glad.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ddzimlew@... writes:
> Most parents would never say to a child who politely asks forMy mom did!!
> something to eat "I don't care if you're hungry!"
Her response to "I'm hungry" was "No you're not," or "You've never been
hungry a day in your life."
Because she had been from a poor ignorant family and lived through dust-bowl
depression stuff, then WE were never allowed to say "hungry."
I haven't known anyone in modern times (anyone my age or younger <g>) say any
such thing to a kid, for which I'm glad.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Peggy
Nanci Kuykendall wrote:
Peggy
> Yes that has helped us a lot too. Language is soYes! Beautifully put Nanci.
> important to communication. The words that you use
> color the physical body language that you use to
> convey them. Using negative or accusatory words that
> place blame and guilt causes unconscious physical
> messages to be conveyed in tone, inflection, stance,
> gesture, etc. It also causes automatic reactions in
> listeners. Even if a person is being addressed with
> words they have never heard before and do not know the
> meaning of (as in children) they will pick up all
> those physical clues and infer meaning from them.
>
> One term we have found usefull is "disrespectful."
> That applies equally in our house to adults and
> children, and we try our utmost to respect each other,
> and to point out to the children (to facilitate
> learning for them) when we have been disrespectful to
> them in apologizing for bad behavior on our part. We
> try to remind them when their behavior is
> disrespectful to others, and they have been really
> responsive to this type of fair minded equal treatment
> and meet the challenge of behaving respectfully
> towards others with the same determination and effort
> that my husband and I do.
>
> Nanci K.
Peggy
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Send FREE video emails in Yahoo! Mail!
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> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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>
>
>
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pumpkin_kisses_fall_wishes
Sandra,
I can really relate to this one! Both of my parents were raised by
parents who came from depression-era, poor families who were just a
few generations out of slavery. I see my parents, grandparents, and
great-grandparents behavior as being fear based; they were so
accustomed to not having enough to go around, they adopted a
permanent scarcity mentality that I still see and hear in parents
today. I wish I could say I haven't heard anyone tell a child, "You
aren't hungry" or "No, you can't have more to eat.", but my son was
recently told this by a relative at the family Christmas dinner.
I can really relate to this one! Both of my parents were raised by
parents who came from depression-era, poor families who were just a
few generations out of slavery. I see my parents, grandparents, and
great-grandparents behavior as being fear based; they were so
accustomed to not having enough to go around, they adopted a
permanent scarcity mentality that I still see and hear in parents
today. I wish I could say I haven't heard anyone tell a child, "You
aren't hungry" or "No, you can't have more to eat.", but my son was
recently told this by a relative at the family Christmas dinner.
meghan anderson
<<<<You know, behavior of any kind is communication.
Good behavior is a kind
of communication we all accept. And what we call bad
behavior is just what society has labeled unacceptable
communication.
Communication is a very difficult thing. It involves
translating our
thoughts into language and then presenting it to
someone who can
translate our language into thought. Encoding and
decoding. Bad
behavior is a way to translate frustration into a (non
verbal) kind of
language that others can decode. The trouble is,
sometimes we don't
decode it the way the person would like us to. When
you remember that
all behavior has a goal, then you can understand that
bad behavior,
misbehavior, has a goal as well. The person is trying
to tell us
something that they have not found the verbal language
to express and
they are trying to achieve some goal by communicating
with you. You
may
not LIKE the method of communication <g> but it IS a
connection between
you. The real challenge is understanding that and
helping the person
achieve their goal. When you can do that, understand
their particular
form of (misbehavior) communication, then ( this is my
theory,
anyway<g>)
you can help them find less disruptive ways to
communicate their
frustrations and achieve their goals.
Imagine what a parent's negative reaction to a child's
(misbehavior)
attempt at communication says to the child. "I don't
care what you
want." "I don't care what you need" That's what a
child trying to
communicate a goal or desire (misbehaving) hears in
reply to her
efforts
when a parent spanks. (ALSO, a form of nonverbal
communication but
interestingly enough, NOT considered by the offender
to be
unacceptable.
) Most parents would never say to a child who
politely asks for
something to eat "I don't care if you're hungry!" But
that's exactly
what's happening when parents flip out over
misbehavior. That's the
message the child gets. That's ugly.
When you think about it, there are lots of people who
can't communicate
well with JUST language. I think kids especially
might not have all
the
language skills yet to express complex thoughts and
desires. Must be a
real stinker!
So when you think about it this way, you actually end
up with an
intelligent child who is trying desperately to make
connections,
instead
of just a brat. Sounds much nicer doesn't it? It
might not be as nice
to LIVE with, but no one ever said having a smart kid
would be easy,
right? <g>
Deb L >>>>
Thank you for this!
I have been having some issues with what is perceived
(by myself and others) as rude behaviour of Tamzin's.
Reading this helped me to take a step back and see it
from a different viewpoint. The behaviour is this: she
often 'blanks' people when they speak to her,
particularly adults (and sometimes children she
doesn't know). She has done this in various degrees
for years. At first I thought it was shyness, but she
also does it to people she's known for ages (including
my mom). She says she doesn't know why she does it,
and she recognises that it's rude, but she can't seem
to stop herself when she's doing it. Also it seems to
be random (for example, she doesn't always 'blank' my
mom, just about 1/3 of the time <sigh>).
I would appreciate some feedback from the group on how
to deal with this. I've run out of ideas! By the way,
she's 7 years old. TIA
Meghan
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Good behavior is a kind
of communication we all accept. And what we call bad
behavior is just what society has labeled unacceptable
communication.
Communication is a very difficult thing. It involves
translating our
thoughts into language and then presenting it to
someone who can
translate our language into thought. Encoding and
decoding. Bad
behavior is a way to translate frustration into a (non
verbal) kind of
language that others can decode. The trouble is,
sometimes we don't
decode it the way the person would like us to. When
you remember that
all behavior has a goal, then you can understand that
bad behavior,
misbehavior, has a goal as well. The person is trying
to tell us
something that they have not found the verbal language
to express and
they are trying to achieve some goal by communicating
with you. You
may
not LIKE the method of communication <g> but it IS a
connection between
you. The real challenge is understanding that and
helping the person
achieve their goal. When you can do that, understand
their particular
form of (misbehavior) communication, then ( this is my
theory,
anyway<g>)
you can help them find less disruptive ways to
communicate their
frustrations and achieve their goals.
Imagine what a parent's negative reaction to a child's
(misbehavior)
attempt at communication says to the child. "I don't
care what you
want." "I don't care what you need" That's what a
child trying to
communicate a goal or desire (misbehaving) hears in
reply to her
efforts
when a parent spanks. (ALSO, a form of nonverbal
communication but
interestingly enough, NOT considered by the offender
to be
unacceptable.
) Most parents would never say to a child who
politely asks for
something to eat "I don't care if you're hungry!" But
that's exactly
what's happening when parents flip out over
misbehavior. That's the
message the child gets. That's ugly.
When you think about it, there are lots of people who
can't communicate
well with JUST language. I think kids especially
might not have all
the
language skills yet to express complex thoughts and
desires. Must be a
real stinker!
So when you think about it this way, you actually end
up with an
intelligent child who is trying desperately to make
connections,
instead
of just a brat. Sounds much nicer doesn't it? It
might not be as nice
to LIVE with, but no one ever said having a smart kid
would be easy,
right? <g>
Deb L >>>>
Thank you for this!
I have been having some issues with what is perceived
(by myself and others) as rude behaviour of Tamzin's.
Reading this helped me to take a step back and see it
from a different viewpoint. The behaviour is this: she
often 'blanks' people when they speak to her,
particularly adults (and sometimes children she
doesn't know). She has done this in various degrees
for years. At first I thought it was shyness, but she
also does it to people she's known for ages (including
my mom). She says she doesn't know why she does it,
and she recognises that it's rude, but she can't seem
to stop herself when she's doing it. Also it seems to
be random (for example, she doesn't always 'blank' my
mom, just about 1/3 of the time <sigh>).
I would appreciate some feedback from the group on how
to deal with this. I've run out of ideas! By the way,
she's 7 years old. TIA
Meghan
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zenmomma *
>>The behaviour is this: she often 'blanks' people when they speak to her,What do you mean by 'blanks'? Freezing up and not talking? Becoming
>>particularly adults (and sometimes children she doesn't know). She has
>>done this in various degrees for years.>>
non-commuicative to the point that she can't answer? She mentally removes
herself from the situation? Both of my kids have a behavior we call
"shutting down". It usually comes out during stress, but not always. It
would be interesting to see if they're doing the same thing.
~Mary
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