about rules and principles
Sandra Dodd
Because there are several new list members and we're dancing around
the idea of rules, I wanted to bring the link to some of the
collected best of information about living by principles:
http://sandradodd.com/rules
Knowing why is more important than asking what.
Sandra
the idea of rules, I wanted to bring the link to some of the
collected best of information about living by principles:
http://sandradodd.com/rules
Knowing why is more important than asking what.
Sandra
Maisha Khalfani
http://sandradodd.com/rules
Admittedly I've been taught to follow many rules, so I'm lost as to how to work on principles. I was reading at the above link and I couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Admittedly I've been taught to follow many rules, so I'm lost as to how to work on principles. I was reading at the above link and I couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 09:10 1/18/2007, you wrote:
safe in this place (our home), and if someone feels it's okay to hit
someone else, that simply violates the principle of safety. I only
have one kid, but we frequently have kids over with their brothers or
sisters, and I'm really clear with them about that principle of
safety. I let them know in a loving way that I'm available for
helping resolve disputes (and thanks to our little house, I'm always
within earshot). I have not had any trouble with this, because
everyone wants to be safe.
I hope that helps.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>http://sandradodd.com/rulesWe go by the principle of safety. All have a right to be and feel
>
> Admittedly I've been taught to follow many rules, so I'm lost as
> to how to work on principles. I was reading at the above link and
> I couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in
> for "don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
safe in this place (our home), and if someone feels it's okay to hit
someone else, that simply violates the principle of safety. I only
have one kid, but we frequently have kids over with their brothers or
sisters, and I'm really clear with them about that principle of
safety. I let them know in a loving way that I'm available for
helping resolve disputes (and thanks to our little house, I'm always
within earshot). I have not had any trouble with this, because
everyone wants to be safe.
I hope that helps.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Maisha Khalfani wrote:
couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in for
"don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
Good question! these are what came to my mind, the principle of
respecting each others person/body. the principle of using non-violence
to solve conflict...the principle of not hurting others...
I used to have no problem using the phrase "I will not allow" in some
situations...especially with situations that pertain to body boundaries.
My thought was that its good to teach/model saying "I will not allow you
to hit me" if conflict escalates to that point. I used that phrase often
when the kids were toddlers and learning to deal with their "big
feelings" Maybe a better response would have been simply "ouch!that
hurts! I don't like it when you hit me" and then give them age
appropriate suggestions for different ways to handle their anger or
frustration. I don't know..."I won't allow" could still have a place in
respectful parenting depending on how its use I guess.
Even now that my kids are older I've found that its good to talk about
conflict resolution from time to time. Lately we've been talking a lot
about creating some space between stimulus and response. This is a
biggie for me since I've been dealing with irritability lately (killer
pms? perimenopause? ...I don't know but its been an issue for me
lately!) and if I'm not careful my knee-jerk reaction can be to snap out
with a hurtful remark or attitude.
Anyway, I'm rambling!
~jennifer c
>how to work on principles. I was reading at the above link and I
> http://sandradodd.com/rules
>
> Admittedly I've been taught to follow many rules, so I'm lost as to
couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in for
"don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
Good question! these are what came to my mind, the principle of
respecting each others person/body. the principle of using non-violence
to solve conflict...the principle of not hurting others...
I used to have no problem using the phrase "I will not allow" in some
situations...especially with situations that pertain to body boundaries.
My thought was that its good to teach/model saying "I will not allow you
to hit me" if conflict escalates to that point. I used that phrase often
when the kids were toddlers and learning to deal with their "big
feelings" Maybe a better response would have been simply "ouch!that
hurts! I don't like it when you hit me" and then give them age
appropriate suggestions for different ways to handle their anger or
frustration. I don't know..."I won't allow" could still have a place in
respectful parenting depending on how its use I guess.
Even now that my kids are older I've found that its good to talk about
conflict resolution from time to time. Lately we've been talking a lot
about creating some space between stimulus and response. This is a
biggie for me since I've been dealing with irritability lately (killer
pms? perimenopause? ...I don't know but its been an issue for me
lately!) and if I'm not careful my knee-jerk reaction can be to snap out
with a hurtful remark or attitude.
Anyway, I'm rambling!
~jennifer c
>
>
Maisha Khalfani
<<We go by the principle of safety. All have a right to be and feel
safe in this place (our home), and if someone feels it's okay to hit
someone else, that simply violates the principle of safety.>>
Thanks, Marji. That example was very helpful.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
safe in this place (our home), and if someone feels it's okay to hit
someone else, that simply violates the principle of safety.>>
Thanks, Marji. That example was very helpful.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sarah Kopp
"Do unto others as you would have (others) do unto you." Rabbi Hillel,
one of the great Torah scholars of all time (he lived in the 1st
Century C.E.) is quoted as saying that the sum of the entire Torah is
the above phrase, and the rest is commentary (on that phrase). It is the
basis of not only human moral behavior, but also of much chassidic
(esoteric Jewish) philosophy. The correct translation from the original
Hebrew is "Love your fellow as yourself." For our kids it could be
enough to say, "You don't want to be hit, do you? So don't hit anyone else."
Good luck, I think integrating this principle is a lifelong task for all
of us!
Sarah,
Tsfat, Israel
one of the great Torah scholars of all time (he lived in the 1st
Century C.E.) is quoted as saying that the sum of the entire Torah is
the above phrase, and the rest is commentary (on that phrase). It is the
basis of not only human moral behavior, but also of much chassidic
(esoteric Jewish) philosophy. The correct translation from the original
Hebrew is "Love your fellow as yourself." For our kids it could be
enough to say, "You don't want to be hit, do you? So don't hit anyone else."
Good luck, I think integrating this principle is a lifelong task for all
of us!
Sarah,
Tsfat, Israel
>
> I couldn't figure out how to word the principle that would fill in for
> "don't hit". Can anyone help me with that?
>
> Namaste
> Maisha
> http://khalfanifami lyadventures. blogspot. com
> <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com>
> "The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most
> difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
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Sandra Dodd
-=-I was reading at the above link and I couldn't figure out how to
word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone
help me with that?-=-
When my kids were little I told them that there were people in jail
for hitting, and they needed to learn early to control the urge to hit.
I had a deal with my two boys, when they were little and would get
into arguments about video games or toys. There was a process to
follow.
First, talk about it.
Second, get a grownup to help.
Third, hit.
So if they hit I would say "Did you talk about it?" And a little
over half the time they had.
"Did you get a grownup's help? I was right in the kitchen." No.
Well then you shouldn't have hit him.
Mostly I was helping them see other options, and giving them time to
calm down or walk away (even going for help is walking, and yelling
for help will involve deep breaths), but partly I was leaving them
the hope that if they followed the process they'd still get to hit.
As they got older and Holly was a factor, the third kid would often
be the mediator without even anyone asking. They've all become
pretty good at offering suggestions to settle other kids'
disagreements because of that too.
That's not a short answer, but the principle is solving problems.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone
help me with that?-=-
When my kids were little I told them that there were people in jail
for hitting, and they needed to learn early to control the urge to hit.
I had a deal with my two boys, when they were little and would get
into arguments about video games or toys. There was a process to
follow.
First, talk about it.
Second, get a grownup to help.
Third, hit.
So if they hit I would say "Did you talk about it?" And a little
over half the time they had.
"Did you get a grownup's help? I was right in the kitchen." No.
Well then you shouldn't have hit him.
Mostly I was helping them see other options, and giving them time to
calm down or walk away (even going for help is walking, and yelling
for help will involve deep breaths), but partly I was leaving them
the hope that if they followed the process they'd still get to hit.
As they got older and Holly was a factor, the third kid would often
be the mediator without even anyone asking. They've all become
pretty good at offering suggestions to settle other kids'
disagreements because of that too.
That's not a short answer, but the principle is solving problems.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-
I used to have no problem using the phrase "I will not allow" in some
situations...especially with situations that pertain to body
boundaries. -=-
Ah. We have another arrangement here, from years back. I told Holly
that she can't hit Marty in his own home, that he needs to be safe in
his own home. Also I told her she needed to wait until she's old
enough to take responsibility for her own actions, because I won't
let my little girl hit other people that way.
So...
When Holly is 18 and has her own apartment, she plans to invite Marty
over and hit him.
Marty says he's not going to Holly's 18th birthday party.
Marty and Kirby are still home, so maybe Holly won't actually have an
apartment when she's 18 either, and Marty will be safe a while longer.
For those who've seen Marty and Holly, you might be thinking she
couldn't do him much damage. He's grown up a lot since the original
deal was made. <G>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I used to have no problem using the phrase "I will not allow" in some
situations...especially with situations that pertain to body
boundaries. -=-
Ah. We have another arrangement here, from years back. I told Holly
that she can't hit Marty in his own home, that he needs to be safe in
his own home. Also I told her she needed to wait until she's old
enough to take responsibility for her own actions, because I won't
let my little girl hit other people that way.
So...
When Holly is 18 and has her own apartment, she plans to invite Marty
over and hit him.
Marty says he's not going to Holly's 18th birthday party.
Marty and Kirby are still home, so maybe Holly won't actually have an
apartment when she's 18 either, and Marty will be safe a while longer.
For those who've seen Marty and Holly, you might be thinking she
couldn't do him much damage. He's grown up a lot since the original
deal was made. <G>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
JENNIFER MARTIN
I am not an unschooler although we are very relaxed in our curriculum but I know because we do have somewhat of a curriculum adn things we do everyday we are not unschoolers but I still enjoy this group mostly I sit back and read all of the messages but this message really gave me great advice my two little boys are 6 and 7 and they fight all the time and and we are always at a stand still with them about why they fight and how to work it out and I think this will really help us and I told them about it and they really liked it too thanks alot
----- Original Message ----
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, January 18, 2007 12:32:19 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] about rules and principles
-=-I was reading at the above link and I couldn't figure out how to
word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone
help me with that?-=-
When my kids were little I told them that there were people in jail
for hitting, and they needed to learn early to control the urge to hit.
I had a deal with my two boys, when they were little and would get
into arguments about video games or toys. There was a process to
follow.
First, talk about it.
Second, get a grownup to help.
Third, hit.
So if they hit I would say "Did you talk about it?" And a little
over half the time they had.
"Did you get a grownup's help? I was right in the kitchen." No.
Well then you shouldn't have hit him.
Mostly I was helping them see other options, and giving them time to
calm down or walk away (even going for help is walking, and yelling
for help will involve deep breaths), but partly I was leaving them
the hope that if they followed the process they'd still get to hit.
As they got older and Holly was a factor, the third kid would often
be the mediator without even anyone asking. They've all become
pretty good at offering suggestions to settle other kids'
disagreements because of that too.
That's not a short answer, but the principle is solving problems.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bored stiff? Loosen up...
Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.
http://games.yahoo.com/games/front
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
----- Original Message ----
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, January 18, 2007 12:32:19 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] about rules and principles
-=-I was reading at the above link and I couldn't figure out how to
word the principle that would fill in for "don't hit". Can anyone
help me with that?-=-
When my kids were little I told them that there were people in jail
for hitting, and they needed to learn early to control the urge to hit.
I had a deal with my two boys, when they were little and would get
into arguments about video games or toys. There was a process to
follow.
First, talk about it.
Second, get a grownup to help.
Third, hit.
So if they hit I would say "Did you talk about it?" And a little
over half the time they had.
"Did you get a grownup's help? I was right in the kitchen." No.
Well then you shouldn't have hit him.
Mostly I was helping them see other options, and giving them time to
calm down or walk away (even going for help is walking, and yelling
for help will involve deep breaths), but partly I was leaving them
the hope that if they followed the process they'd still get to hit.
As they got older and Holly was a factor, the third kid would often
be the mediator without even anyone asking. They've all become
pretty good at offering suggestions to settle other kids'
disagreements because of that too.
That's not a short answer, but the principle is solving problems.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
____________________________________________________________________________________
Bored stiff? Loosen up...
Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.
http://games.yahoo.com/games/front
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]