MIL Strong-Willed Child Article
Crystal Miller
I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to respond with some dignity???
~Crystal~
http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Found this in an article under "24/7" -- I think it has some good ideas.
What is a Strong-Willed Child? Kendra Smiley defines strong-willed children as those who know how they want the world to be run and have no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always overtly defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in their attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of causing emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-willed children don't necessarily want to control everyone around them. They just don't want to be controlled by anyone else. Discipline: Calm is Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes to molding a strong-willed child. Smiley advises setting clear expectations and consequences. When expectations are violated, be sure to be consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents who cancel punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when disciplining strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't discipline in anger. Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not effective and is usually counterproductive. When we (as parents) go out of control, the strong-willed child wins the battle." In fact, Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-willed child when growing up, claims that discipline worked best when it was unemotional. Anger in discipline was a sure sign to him that he needed to dig in his own heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to become responsible adults. It's hard. Parents need to take time to focus, to remind themselves that they are, in fact, the parents. It's not your calling to be your child's "friend." It's your high calling and privilege to be your child's parent. With a strong-willed child, choosing battles wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be sure to win battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms and dads need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting strong-willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms and dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-willed child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to differences in how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result, parents who don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open themselves up to instances where their child will play one parent off the other in his or her efforts to gain control.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~Crystal~
http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Found this in an article under "24/7" -- I think it has some good ideas.
What is a Strong-Willed Child? Kendra Smiley defines strong-willed children as those who know how they want the world to be run and have no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always overtly defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in their attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of causing emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-willed children don't necessarily want to control everyone around them. They just don't want to be controlled by anyone else. Discipline: Calm is Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes to molding a strong-willed child. Smiley advises setting clear expectations and consequences. When expectations are violated, be sure to be consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents who cancel punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when disciplining strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't discipline in anger. Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not effective and is usually counterproductive. When we (as parents) go out of control, the strong-willed child wins the battle." In fact, Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-willed child when growing up, claims that discipline worked best when it was unemotional. Anger in discipline was a sure sign to him that he needed to dig in his own heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to become responsible adults. It's hard. Parents need to take time to focus, to remind themselves that they are, in fact, the parents. It's not your calling to be your child's "friend." It's your high calling and privilege to be your child's parent. With a strong-willed child, choosing battles wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be sure to win battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms and dads need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting strong-willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms and dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-willed child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to differences in how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result, parents who don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open themselves up to instances where their child will play one parent off the other in his or her efforts to gain control.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Crystal Miller
**Oh and yes, technically Dave should deal with this but we (Dave & I) decided to respond together via email. This is also the MIL who was here and when Dave & Sorscha went into a store she turned and said to me, "So when does this mutual respect thing kick in."
~Crystal~
~Crystal~
----- Original Message -----
From: Crystal Miller
Subject: MIL Strong-Willed Child Article
I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to respond with some dignity???
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Crystal Miller
Oh and the RE line read this: Interesting article you might find enlightening
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Steve & Tracy Schad
How about ignoring it? Responding might be an invitation for more feedback.
Redirect the energy you¹d put into addressing it back toward your own happy
home. (Not always the easiest to just do I¹m still working out my own
issues from Christmas w/ the in-laws.) If she asks about it, say ³Yep, got
and filed it;² then change the topic.
Tracy in MN
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Redirect the energy you¹d put into addressing it back toward your own happy
home. (Not always the easiest to just do I¹m still working out my own
issues from Christmas w/ the in-laws.) If she asks about it, say ³Yep, got
and filed it;² then change the topic.
Tracy in MN
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
Oh, and your blog had such lovely pictures from her visit.
Sigh, family can be such assholes.
If my dad or my mom sent such a thing I suppose I'd walk away for a while.
Maybe I'd write something angry back, but I'd probably never send it. Hmm,
how often do you see your MIL? Does she think she's being helpful or is she
being mean on purpose?
You could pull out the things you agree with like "It's your high calling
and privilege to be your child's parent." and talk about how wonderful it is
that you and Dave do "sing from the same sheet." And then maybe you could
follow up with the things that are wonderful about being Sorscha's mom. You
could say I don't know what it is you saw that made you feel that Sorscha
needed her spirit broken (well maybe that is harsh) but that they aren't
things that make you feel in the least bit unhappy. You could thank her for
her concern, but say that it seems the meek child is so much more likely to
be the raped and abused child that the idea of even shrinking Sorscha that
little bit is too much. You could respond with lots of stuff from Sandra's
and Joyce's site, reams and reams of webpages, so that she can see how much
you aren't struggling in darkness.
My dad once sent an e-mail that I took as very negative. I wrote a really
point on point response to him which I never sent. In the end I commented on
some small thing he'd said in the whole thing and ignored his negative
comments. And it didn't come up again. He was easily distracted. My mom once
wrote me about how she'd happily told her hairdresser to kick his son out of
the house, and I told her, very angrily, to be careful of the advice she
gives. I told her of how when she and my dad kicked me out of the house I
had been nearly raped and how many nights I spent sleeping in the back of
friends cars or sneaking in their windows at night so their parents wouldn't
know. She said she never knew it had been so rough for me, I don't know what
she told her hairdresser. I suppose you have to figure out how sensitive
your MIL would be to a negative response. Maybe you could just ignore it? I
always find that the hardest thing to do.
Hope something there helps,
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
Sigh, family can be such assholes.
If my dad or my mom sent such a thing I suppose I'd walk away for a while.
Maybe I'd write something angry back, but I'd probably never send it. Hmm,
how often do you see your MIL? Does she think she's being helpful or is she
being mean on purpose?
You could pull out the things you agree with like "It's your high calling
and privilege to be your child's parent." and talk about how wonderful it is
that you and Dave do "sing from the same sheet." And then maybe you could
follow up with the things that are wonderful about being Sorscha's mom. You
could say I don't know what it is you saw that made you feel that Sorscha
needed her spirit broken (well maybe that is harsh) but that they aren't
things that make you feel in the least bit unhappy. You could thank her for
her concern, but say that it seems the meek child is so much more likely to
be the raped and abused child that the idea of even shrinking Sorscha that
little bit is too much. You could respond with lots of stuff from Sandra's
and Joyce's site, reams and reams of webpages, so that she can see how much
you aren't struggling in darkness.
My dad once sent an e-mail that I took as very negative. I wrote a really
point on point response to him which I never sent. In the end I commented on
some small thing he'd said in the whole thing and ignored his negative
comments. And it didn't come up again. He was easily distracted. My mom once
wrote me about how she'd happily told her hairdresser to kick his son out of
the house, and I told her, very angrily, to be careful of the advice she
gives. I told her of how when she and my dad kicked me out of the house I
had been nearly raped and how many nights I spent sleeping in the back of
friends cars or sneaking in their windows at night so their parents wouldn't
know. She said she never knew it had been so rough for me, I don't know what
she told her hairdresser. I suppose you have to figure out how sensitive
your MIL would be to a negative response. Maybe you could just ignore it? I
always find that the hardest thing to do.
Hope something there helps,
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "Crystal Miller" <willowsfortress@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, December 31, 2006 6:45 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] MIL Strong-Willed Child Article
>I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to respond with
>some dignity???
>
> ~Crystal~
>
> http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
[email protected]
Well, I guess it's a good thing that you and Dave are a *united front* in
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to embrace Sorcha
for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for your MIL ;)
~diana :^)
Quoting Crystal Miller <willowsfortress@...>:
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to embrace Sorcha
for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for your MIL ;)
~diana :^)
Quoting Crystal Miller <willowsfortress@...>:
> **Oh and yes, technically Dave should deal with this but we (Dave & I)
> decided to respond together via email. This is also the MIL who was here and
> when Dave & Sorscha went into a store she turned and said to me, "So when
> does this mutual respect thing kick in."
> ~Crystal~
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Crystal Miller
> Subject: MIL Strong-Willed Child Article
>
>
> I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to respond with
> some dignity???
>
>
Joanne
Does she live near you? If not, maybe ignore it. Unless you think
she'll keep bagering you until you respond. Then it may be better to
reply now and get it over with.
Does she have the link to your blog? Maybe reading about your
daughters day to day life will help her understand?
What does your husband think?
Also, what did she mean with the "mutual respect" comment? That your
daughter has no respect for you?
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (14)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
--- In [email protected], "Crystal Miller"
<willowsfortress@...> wrote:
have no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The
strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take
punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are
gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always
overtly defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in
their attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of
causing emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-
willed children don't necessarily want to control everyone around
them. They just don't want to be controlled by anyone else.
Discipline: Calm is Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes
to molding a strong-willed child. Smiley advises setting clear
expectations and consequences. When expectations are violated, be
sure to be consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents
who cancel punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when
disciplining strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't
discipline in anger. Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not
effective and is usually counterproductive. When we (as parents) go
out of control, the strong-willed child wins the battle." In fact,
Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-willed child when growing up, claims
that discipline worked best when it was unemotional. Anger in
discipline was a sure sign to him that he needed to dig in his own
heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to become responsible adults.
It's hard. Parents need to take time to focus, to remind themselves
that they are, in fact, the parents. It's not your calling to be
your child's "friend." It's your high calling and privilege to be
your child's parent. With a strong-willed child, choosing battles
wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be sure to win
battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms and dads
need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting strong-
willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to
parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms
and dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-
willed child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to
differences in how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result,
parents who don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open
themselves up to instances where their child will play one parent
off the other in his or her efforts to gain control.
she'll keep bagering you until you respond. Then it may be better to
reply now and get it over with.
Does she have the link to your blog? Maybe reading about your
daughters day to day life will help her understand?
What does your husband think?
Also, what did she mean with the "mutual respect" comment? That your
daughter has no respect for you?
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (14)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
--- In [email protected], "Crystal Miller"
<willowsfortress@...> wrote:
>respond with some dignity???
> I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to
>ideas.
> ~Crystal~
>
> http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Found this in an article under "24/7" -- I think it has some good
>children as those who know how they want the world to be run and
> What is a Strong-Willed Child? Kendra Smiley defines strong-willed
have no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The
strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take
punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are
gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always
overtly defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in
their attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of
causing emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-
willed children don't necessarily want to control everyone around
them. They just don't want to be controlled by anyone else.
Discipline: Calm is Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes
to molding a strong-willed child. Smiley advises setting clear
expectations and consequences. When expectations are violated, be
sure to be consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents
who cancel punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when
disciplining strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't
discipline in anger. Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not
effective and is usually counterproductive. When we (as parents) go
out of control, the strong-willed child wins the battle." In fact,
Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-willed child when growing up, claims
that discipline worked best when it was unemotional. Anger in
discipline was a sure sign to him that he needed to dig in his own
heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to become responsible adults.
It's hard. Parents need to take time to focus, to remind themselves
that they are, in fact, the parents. It's not your calling to be
your child's "friend." It's your high calling and privilege to be
your child's parent. With a strong-willed child, choosing battles
wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be sure to win
battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms and dads
need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting strong-
willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to
parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms
and dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-
willed child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to
differences in how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result,
parents who don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open
themselves up to instances where their child will play one parent
off the other in his or her efforts to gain control.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to
respond with some dignity???
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]-=-
I'm guessing you tried to forward. You'll need to cut and paste the
text in an e-mail, or cut the link into an e-mail, I think. (Or
maybe some people got it and I didn't?)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
respond with some dignity???
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]-=-
I'm guessing you tried to forward. You'll need to cut and paste the
text in an e-mail, or cut the link into an e-mail, I think. (Or
maybe some people got it and I didn't?)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Well, I guess it's a good thing that you and Dave are a *united
front* in
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to
embrace Sorcha
for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for your
MIL ;)
~diana :^)
-=-
Well Diana could read it.
Maybe I have my e-mail set not to read the good parts. sheeesh...
Sorry.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
front* in
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to
embrace Sorcha
for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for your
MIL ;)
~diana :^)
-=-
Well Diana could read it.
Maybe I have my e-mail set not to read the good parts. sheeesh...
Sorry.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-If she asks about it, say ³Yep, got
and filed it;² then change the topic.-=-
I still haven't seen it, but sight unseen, you could say "Thanks,
we'll think about it," and in the same mail, send her some things to
read. Maybe Joyce's page.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and filed it;² then change the topic.-=-
I still haven't seen it, but sight unseen, you could say "Thanks,
we'll think about it," and in the same mail, send her some things to
read. Maybe Joyce's page.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
queenjane555
> I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying toI think you should either ignore it, or respond "Hmmm...that was
>respond with some dignity???
interesting." It will drive her crazy.
My ex-MIL and I got into a huge email battle/argument a couple of
years ago about her undermining my parenting choices when my son
would go visit his father (she would tell him how he wouldnt learn
anything by unschooling, he needed to be in school, he was behind,
etc etc)...i addressed each of her emails point by point. I didnt
think i was being rude or mean, but it didnt matter, because that is
how she took my emails. She decided we werent speaking (yay for me!
solved all my problems right there!)and we don't. She did email me a
fairly delusional email before Thanksgiving because my son did not
want to go down there to visit his father, and i supported his
choice. I didnt respond, because i knew no matter *what* i said, it
wouldnt change her view of the situation. I knew it would drive her
nuts not knowing if i read it.
So, if i were you, unless you really think your MIL is open to
learning new things, i would not invest too much emotional energy in
trying to convince her of anything.
Katherine
ethelwynnesquest
<<--- In [email protected], "Schuyler" <s.waynforth@...>
wrote: Oh, and your blog had such lovely pictures from her visit.>>
I know! I really thought that maybe she was coming around just a
little bit. I felt like she was slightly embracing the moments by
playing video games and then even soccer in the house no less.
<<Hmm, how often do you see your MIL? Does she think she's being
helpful or is she being mean on purpose?>>
It is becomming less & less since we moved. She comes about 3 times
per year for 5 days at a time. The last visit did not go well and
Sorscha refused to speak to her for a few months. I don't know if
she is being mean on purpose or not. I know that she knows we feel
very strong about RUing so when I received 'strong willed' it really
took me by surprise. She has become very negative over the last
year. Dave and I think that she is upset because she was looking
forward to retiring but her husband cannot. She seems to be getting
very bitter and judgemental. She has also embraced a new religion in
which now her perspective has become very different then ours.
So maybe all of that is popping over to us? I really don't know.
<<You could respond with lots of stuff from Sandra's and Joyce's
site, reams and reams of webpages, so that she can see how much
you aren't struggling in darkness.>>
I sent & sent links via email when she requested info one time. Dave
and I also made her a book where we printed out a ton of info about
RUing in hopes that by having it in a book format it would be easier
for her to get to. I'm really do not think that she has read any of
it.
<<I told her of how when she and my dad kicked me out of the house I
had been nearly raped and how many nights I spent sleeping in the
back of friends cars or sneaking in their windows at night so their
parents wouldn't know. She said she never knew it had been so rough
for me>>
I'm glad that you were not raped. I too spent many nights sleeping
in my car behind grocery stores, etc. when I was a teen. It was not
a good thing. Well, it was better than being in the home I was in. I
never want that for Sorscha.
Thanks,
~Crystal~
wrote: Oh, and your blog had such lovely pictures from her visit.>>
I know! I really thought that maybe she was coming around just a
little bit. I felt like she was slightly embracing the moments by
playing video games and then even soccer in the house no less.
<<Hmm, how often do you see your MIL? Does she think she's being
helpful or is she being mean on purpose?>>
It is becomming less & less since we moved. She comes about 3 times
per year for 5 days at a time. The last visit did not go well and
Sorscha refused to speak to her for a few months. I don't know if
she is being mean on purpose or not. I know that she knows we feel
very strong about RUing so when I received 'strong willed' it really
took me by surprise. She has become very negative over the last
year. Dave and I think that she is upset because she was looking
forward to retiring but her husband cannot. She seems to be getting
very bitter and judgemental. She has also embraced a new religion in
which now her perspective has become very different then ours.
So maybe all of that is popping over to us? I really don't know.
<<You could respond with lots of stuff from Sandra's and Joyce's
site, reams and reams of webpages, so that she can see how much
you aren't struggling in darkness.>>
I sent & sent links via email when she requested info one time. Dave
and I also made her a book where we printed out a ton of info about
RUing in hopes that by having it in a book format it would be easier
for her to get to. I'm really do not think that she has read any of
it.
<<I told her of how when she and my dad kicked me out of the house I
had been nearly raped and how many nights I spent sleeping in the
back of friends cars or sneaking in their windows at night so their
parents wouldn't know. She said she never knew it had been so rough
for me>>
I'm glad that you were not raped. I too spent many nights sleeping
in my car behind grocery stores, etc. when I was a teen. It was not
a good thing. Well, it was better than being in the home I was in. I
never want that for Sorscha.
Thanks,
~Crystal~
ethelwynnesquest
<<In [email protected], hahamommy@... wrote: Well, I guess
it's a good thing that you and Dave are a *united front* in
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to embrace
Sorcha for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for
your MIL ;)~diana :^)>>
Ohhh, love that one but I am sure that would just throw her over the
edge! Which is what Dave is about ready to do to her right now.
~Crystal~
it's a good thing that you and Dave are a *united front* in
deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to embrace
Sorcha for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for
your MIL ;)~diana :^)>>
Ohhh, love that one but I am sure that would just throw her over the
edge! Which is what Dave is about ready to do to her right now.
~Crystal~
ethelwynnesquest
<<In [email protected], Steve & Tracy Schad
<schadfamily@...> wrote: How about ignoring it? Responding might be an
invitation for more feedback. Redirect the energy you¹d put into
addressing it back toward your own happy home. Tracy in MN>>
++++++++++++++++
Yes, that is why I have not responded to her. I also knew that I
needed to step back for a few days. The part that is sad is that she
is the only family left for us. Maybe we are just trying to hang on at
the expense of....?
~Crystal~
<schadfamily@...> wrote: How about ignoring it? Responding might be an
invitation for more feedback. Redirect the energy you¹d put into
addressing it back toward your own happy home. Tracy in MN>>
++++++++++++++++
Yes, that is why I have not responded to her. I also knew that I
needed to step back for a few days. The part that is sad is that she
is the only family left for us. Maybe we are just trying to hang on at
the expense of....?
~Crystal~
ethelwynnesquest
<<In [email protected], "Joanne" <billyandjoanne@...>
wrote: Does she live near you? If not, maybe ignore it. Unless you
think she'll keep bagering you until you respond.>>
Hmmm, I don't think that she will bager us about the same 'strong
willed' email but I do notice that we are receiving more and more
comments. I know that we have years to go with this lifestyle so we
are thinking that maybe responding once and for all that we would
only appreciate positive comments might be the way to go. However,
then we are trying to control her and I am sure that is not going to
get us anywhere.
<<Does she have the link to your blog? Maybe reading about your
daughters day to day life will help her understand?>>
Yes she has the link but told Dave that she does not read it because
she feels that it is impersonable. WOW, when I am putting this in
writing it is coming across really bad.
Well, I will actually ask him right now. He says, "I think that it is
too bad my mom just doesn't get it. To me it is not worth the effort
to get her on board because she'll never get it. Look at the whole
relationship with my sister."
Hmmm, maybe I'm (Crystal) trying to salvage a relationship with a
mother figure because I don't have one. Maybe I need to 'get it' and
stop trying to work on it if he does not want to.
Oh and the sister comment is because Dave's sister was molested by
the step dad and MIL still refuses to believe it ever happened even
though there was proof.
<<Also, what did she mean with the "mutual respect" comment? That
your daughter has no respect for you?>>
MIL feels that Sorscha tries to manipulate us and does not respect
us.
Hmmm, great info coming across that is making us (Dave is here with
me reading these)think about everything.
~Crystal~
wrote: Does she live near you? If not, maybe ignore it. Unless you
think she'll keep bagering you until you respond.>>
Hmmm, I don't think that she will bager us about the same 'strong
willed' email but I do notice that we are receiving more and more
comments. I know that we have years to go with this lifestyle so we
are thinking that maybe responding once and for all that we would
only appreciate positive comments might be the way to go. However,
then we are trying to control her and I am sure that is not going to
get us anywhere.
<<Does she have the link to your blog? Maybe reading about your
daughters day to day life will help her understand?>>
Yes she has the link but told Dave that she does not read it because
she feels that it is impersonable. WOW, when I am putting this in
writing it is coming across really bad.
> What does your husband think?He's about done. He has been 'handling' her for over a year now.
Well, I will actually ask him right now. He says, "I think that it is
too bad my mom just doesn't get it. To me it is not worth the effort
to get her on board because she'll never get it. Look at the whole
relationship with my sister."
Hmmm, maybe I'm (Crystal) trying to salvage a relationship with a
mother figure because I don't have one. Maybe I need to 'get it' and
stop trying to work on it if he does not want to.
Oh and the sister comment is because Dave's sister was molested by
the step dad and MIL still refuses to believe it ever happened even
though there was proof.
<<Also, what did she mean with the "mutual respect" comment? That
your daughter has no respect for you?>>
MIL feels that Sorscha tries to manipulate us and does not respect
us.
Hmmm, great info coming across that is making us (Dave is here with
me reading these)think about everything.
~Crystal~
ethelwynnesquest
<<In [email protected], "queenjane555"
<queenjane555@...> wrote: I didnt respond, because i knew no matter
*what* i said, it
wouldnt change her view of the situation. I knew it would drive her
nuts not knowing if i read it.>>
<<So, if i were you, unless you really think your MIL is open to
learning new things, i would not invest too much emotional energy in
trying to convince her of anything. Katherine>>
You know you might be right. Yes, I truly know that we can not
convince her about RUing.
Dave is sitting here and asked if I remembered that she said to us
during her last visit a month ago...
"It all sounds good in theory but it is not practical."
So I guess that just might say it all. Dave just said, "You can lead
a horse to water but you can't make him (MIL) drink."
How come he gets it????
~Crystal~
<queenjane555@...> wrote: I didnt respond, because i knew no matter
*what* i said, it
wouldnt change her view of the situation. I knew it would drive her
nuts not knowing if i read it.>>
<<So, if i were you, unless you really think your MIL is open to
learning new things, i would not invest too much emotional energy in
trying to convince her of anything. Katherine>>
You know you might be right. Yes, I truly know that we can not
convince her about RUing.
Dave is sitting here and asked if I remembered that she said to us
during her last visit a month ago...
"It all sounds good in theory but it is not practical."
So I guess that just might say it all. Dave just said, "You can lead
a horse to water but you can't make him (MIL) drink."
How come he gets it????
~Crystal~
[email protected]
Quoting ethelwynnesquest <willowsfortress@...>:
raised Dave? Is she taking it personally that *she* was never accepted for who
she is and thereby was unable to do that for her own children?? (and possibly
she sees your difference as a rejection of her mothering thereby a rejection of
herself)
I know that my MIL's issues with me stem from raising my own *spirited* (in a
positive sense) son who is VERY much like *her* spirited son in a totally
different manner.
She spanked Mitch and he was an angry kid who grew up to be an angry adult, who
eventually came around and decided that was exactly what he didn't want for his
own kids. I'm not going down that path. I refuse. If Mitch turned out okay in
the end anyway, I'm expecting her to have the exact same faith in Hayden --
he'll turn out okay in the end (whatever the heck that means anyway).
It somehow becomes a competition where it doesn't have to.
~diana xo
> <<In [email protected], hahamommy@... wrote: Well, I guessBut really, do ya think it flies in her face as being too different than how she
> it's a good thing that you and Dave are a *united front* in
> deciding NOT to *mold your child* into anything, but instead to embrace
> Sorcha for *WHO SHE IS*... I'm sooooo sorry no one ever did this for
> your MIL ;)~diana :^)>>
>
> Ohhh, love that one but I am sure that would just throw her over the
> edge! Which is what Dave is about ready to do to her right now.
> ~Crystal~
>
>
>
raised Dave? Is she taking it personally that *she* was never accepted for who
she is and thereby was unable to do that for her own children?? (and possibly
she sees your difference as a rejection of her mothering thereby a rejection of
herself)
I know that my MIL's issues with me stem from raising my own *spirited* (in a
positive sense) son who is VERY much like *her* spirited son in a totally
different manner.
She spanked Mitch and he was an angry kid who grew up to be an angry adult, who
eventually came around and decided that was exactly what he didn't want for his
own kids. I'm not going down that path. I refuse. If Mitch turned out okay in
the end anyway, I'm expecting her to have the exact same faith in Hayden --
he'll turn out okay in the end (whatever the heck that means anyway).
It somehow becomes a competition where it doesn't have to.
~diana xo
Sandra Dodd
Keith's mom used to make snarky comments when Kirby was six and seven
and eight. He and Marty have cousins about the same age, being
raised dress-up-and-go-to-church-against-your-will in South
Carolina. The parents separated but didn't divorce. Keith and I
stayed together and got along. Their kids (sadly, I'm not glad of it
except for the comparison) stopped having much chance of happiness,
and were pretty much criticized and tormented by both their parents,
in turn. Meanwhile, our kids were sweet and interesting and helpful
and would go and visit the grandparents cheerfully.
Our stock went up.
I bet yours will too.
Sandra
and eight. He and Marty have cousins about the same age, being
raised dress-up-and-go-to-church-against-your-will in South
Carolina. The parents separated but didn't divorce. Keith and I
stayed together and got along. Their kids (sadly, I'm not glad of it
except for the comparison) stopped having much chance of happiness,
and were pretty much criticized and tormented by both their parents,
in turn. Meanwhile, our kids were sweet and interesting and helpful
and would go and visit the grandparents cheerfully.
Our stock went up.
I bet yours will too.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-How come he gets it????-=-
Because he feels the goodness of it in everyday ways.
Because it's not a threat to him.
If what you do works, it will mean that what his mom did was
unnecessary (and maybe harmful) and it's got to be difficult for her
to consider that, so try not to rub her nose in it.
Maybe the nicest thing you could do would be to say "If it starts to
seem this isn't working, we'll adjust what we're doing." That will
give her hope without being dishonest, won't it? Isn't that fair?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Because he feels the goodness of it in everyday ways.
Because it's not a threat to him.
If what you do works, it will mean that what his mom did was
unnecessary (and maybe harmful) and it's got to be difficult for her
to consider that, so try not to rub her nose in it.
Maybe the nicest thing you could do would be to say "If it starts to
seem this isn't working, we'll adjust what we're doing." That will
give her hope without being dishonest, won't it? Isn't that fair?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Dec 31, 2006, at 3:22 PM, ethelwynnesquest wrote:
enough that you'd be open to hearing some sort of indirect advice
from her. I bet she really IS concerned about Sorscha - worried that
she's not as polite and compliant as "little girls should be." In
other words, I bet her concern is genuine.
That doesn't mean you have to pay attention to it - but just that you
might want to respond with that in mind. Say, "Thanks for the
article. I read it. It isn't exactly our style, but I know you want
the best for her and appreciate you thinking of us."
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I know! I really thought that maybe she was coming around just aI think she's trying to help. Maybe she thought your visit went well
> little bit. I felt like she was slightly embracing the moments by
> playing video games and then even soccer in the house no less.
enough that you'd be open to hearing some sort of indirect advice
from her. I bet she really IS concerned about Sorscha - worried that
she's not as polite and compliant as "little girls should be." In
other words, I bet her concern is genuine.
That doesn't mean you have to pay attention to it - but just that you
might want to respond with that in mind. Say, "Thanks for the
article. I read it. It isn't exactly our style, but I know you want
the best for her and appreciate you thinking of us."
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sorschasmom
This is what Dave & I came up with to send in response to the 'Strong-
Willed' article that my MIL sent me. Thank you for all the
thoughts. I ended up writing 6 paragraphs that I knew I would not
send but it felt good to get it out...then delete. It is hard, at
least for this mama, to know that someone (grandma) thinks your kiddo
is what is listed in the article. I know that I cannot alter MIL
feelings and that it is best for me to continue on my journey with my
family and respond to MIL in kindness. We have not received a
response to our email or a phone call.
~Crystal~
http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi.
Interesting article, thanks for sending. You know that we are always
seeking knowledge. We read the article and also looked into the
author and her book. In doing so we found that her beliefs regarding
parenting are completely different than ours. However, we do
appreciate your concern for Sorscha's well-being.
Talk to you soon.
~Dave & Crystal~
ORIGINAL EMAIL:
--- In [email protected], "Crystal Miller"
<willowsfortress@...> wrote:
no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The
strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take
punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are
gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always overtly
defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in their
attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of causing
emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-willed
children don't necessarily want to control everyone around them. They
just don't want to be controlled by anyone else. Discipline: Calm is
Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes to molding a strong-
willed child. Smiley advises setting clear expectations and
consequences. When expectations are violated, be sure to be
consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents who cancel
punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when disciplining
strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't discipline in anger.
Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not effective and is usually
counterproductive. When we (as parents) go out of control, the strong-
willed child wins the battle." In fact, Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-
willed child when growing up, claims that discipline worked best when
it was unemotional. Anger in discipline was a sure sign to him that
he needed to dig in his own heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to
become responsible adults. It's hard. Parents need to take time to
focus, to remind themselves that they are, in fact, the parents. It's
not your calling to be your child's "friend." It's your high calling
and privilege to be your child's parent. With a strong-willed child,
choosing battles wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be
sure to win battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms
and dads need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting
strong-willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to
parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms and
dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-willed
child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to differences in
how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result, parents who
don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open themselves up to
instances where their child will play one parent off the other in his
or her efforts to gain control.
Willed' article that my MIL sent me. Thank you for all the
thoughts. I ended up writing 6 paragraphs that I knew I would not
send but it felt good to get it out...then delete. It is hard, at
least for this mama, to know that someone (grandma) thinks your kiddo
is what is listed in the article. I know that I cannot alter MIL
feelings and that it is best for me to continue on my journey with my
family and respond to MIL in kindness. We have not received a
response to our email or a phone call.
~Crystal~
http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi.
Interesting article, thanks for sending. You know that we are always
seeking knowledge. We read the article and also looked into the
author and her book. In doing so we found that her beliefs regarding
parenting are completely different than ours. However, we do
appreciate your concern for Sorscha's well-being.
Talk to you soon.
~Dave & Crystal~
ORIGINAL EMAIL:
--- In [email protected], "Crystal Miller"
<willowsfortress@...> wrote:
>respond with some dignity???
> I received this from my MIL today. Suggestions in trying to
>ideas.
> ~Crystal~
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Found this in an article under "24/7" -- I think it has some good
>children as those who know how they want the world to be run and have
> What is a Strong-Willed Child? Kendra Smiley defines strong-willed
no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint. The
strong-willed child is very persistent and is willing to take
punishment in order to win on any given issue. Because they are
gifted in manipulation, strong-willed children are not always overtly
defiant. They can be quite subtle, and even charming, in their
attempts to control. They are willing to and capable of causing
emotional upset in order to gain the upper hand. Strong-willed
children don't necessarily want to control everyone around them. They
just don't want to be controlled by anyone else. Discipline: Calm is
Better! Discipline is a key issue when it comes to molding a strong-
willed child. Smiley advises setting clear expectations and
consequences. When expectations are violated, be sure to be
consistent in discipline. According to Smiley, parents who cancel
punishments midstream are "short-sighted." Further, when disciplining
strong-willed kids, control your emotions. Don't discipline in anger.
Kendra says, "An out-of-control adult is not effective and is usually
counterproductive. When we (as parents) go out of control, the strong-
willed child wins the battle." In fact, Kendra's son, Aaron, a strong-
willed child when growing up, claims that discipline worked best when
it was unemotional. Anger in discipline was a sure sign to him that
he needed to dig in his own heels. Our goal is to raise our kids to
become responsible adults. It's hard. Parents need to take time to
focus, to remind themselves that they are, in fact, the parents. It's
not your calling to be your child's "friend." It's your high calling
and privilege to be your child's parent. With a strong-willed child,
choosing battles wisely is important - but so is the corollary: Be
sure to win battles you've chosen to fight. Smiley believes that moms
and dads need to provide a unified front when it comes to parenting
strong-willed kids. Some conflict and disagreement when it comes to
parenting is normal between parents, but Smiley advises that moms and
dads not disagree on parenting issues in front of the strong-willed
child. The strong-willed child is very attentive to differences in
how Mom and Dad handle parenting issues. As a result, parents who
don't "sing from the same sheet of music" can open themselves up to
instances where their child will play one parent off the other in his
or her efforts to gain control.
>
Maisha Khalfani
Crystal I thought your response was great! Do you mind if I save it to use for the future?
And your blog is great. I'm inspired by it and your relationship with Sorscha. I sincerely hope that I'm creating that relationship with my 8 yr old (who does want to grow up and be a teenager already! - sheesh! LOL)
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
And your blog is great. I'm inspired by it and your relationship with Sorscha. I sincerely hope that I'm creating that relationship with my 8 yr old (who does want to grow up and be a teenager already! - sheesh! LOL)
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]