daughter's school anxiety - long
lauermjkd1
Hi, I've lurked here for quite a while and have benefited greatly
from the wisdom of everyone here. My name is Karen and I have four
children. My oldest is in college, the next oldest is a junior in
p.s. (his choice), and my daughters are 13 and 9. The 9-year-old
has never been in school and we see how wonderful unschooling has
been for her. Every time I stray and find myself trying to "teach"
instead of following her lead, she lets me know in no uncertain
terms the error of my ways!!!
I'm writing about my 13-year-old daughter. She was in p.s. until
3rd grade, homeschooled slowly morphing into unschooled for 4th, 5th
and half of 6th. She went to p.s. the second half of 6th grade -
her insistence - then only took orchestra in 7th grade. This year
she is attending a program offered in our local district that
accelerates curricula - she's taking 3 classes - math, science and
English. Here's the problem: she has always been an extrememly
sensitive girl - her emotions lately have been almost raw. It seems
she's either angry or crying, and although I know some of it could
be attributed to her age/hormones, I think a lot of it comes from
anxiety and stress over school/homework. We originally took her out
of p.s. after 3rd grade because school worsened her ocd and anxiety.
She tells me she enjoys the classes, mostly, and gets good grades,
but often the homework brings her to tears. I don't know how to
help her.
I do help her plan strategies for the homework, encourage her to
still play and have fun, help her when she needs help... but I don't
see her stress dissipating at all yet.
Do I encourage her to come back home? What if she wants to stay in
school? How can I help her manage her intense emotions? In the
past she has found the choice to go to school or stay home to also
be a source of anxiety - it's so hard for her to make the choice
herself, yet I don't want to impose my will on her by making the
decision for her.
It tears me up so see her distraught so often. In this case, at
this school, if she doesn't do the homework she will be kicked out
of the program. I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.
I'm really struggling here at how to help her - any advice or
suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Karen
from the wisdom of everyone here. My name is Karen and I have four
children. My oldest is in college, the next oldest is a junior in
p.s. (his choice), and my daughters are 13 and 9. The 9-year-old
has never been in school and we see how wonderful unschooling has
been for her. Every time I stray and find myself trying to "teach"
instead of following her lead, she lets me know in no uncertain
terms the error of my ways!!!
I'm writing about my 13-year-old daughter. She was in p.s. until
3rd grade, homeschooled slowly morphing into unschooled for 4th, 5th
and half of 6th. She went to p.s. the second half of 6th grade -
her insistence - then only took orchestra in 7th grade. This year
she is attending a program offered in our local district that
accelerates curricula - she's taking 3 classes - math, science and
English. Here's the problem: she has always been an extrememly
sensitive girl - her emotions lately have been almost raw. It seems
she's either angry or crying, and although I know some of it could
be attributed to her age/hormones, I think a lot of it comes from
anxiety and stress over school/homework. We originally took her out
of p.s. after 3rd grade because school worsened her ocd and anxiety.
She tells me she enjoys the classes, mostly, and gets good grades,
but often the homework brings her to tears. I don't know how to
help her.
I do help her plan strategies for the homework, encourage her to
still play and have fun, help her when she needs help... but I don't
see her stress dissipating at all yet.
Do I encourage her to come back home? What if she wants to stay in
school? How can I help her manage her intense emotions? In the
past she has found the choice to go to school or stay home to also
be a source of anxiety - it's so hard for her to make the choice
herself, yet I don't want to impose my will on her by making the
decision for her.
It tears me up so see her distraught so often. In this case, at
this school, if she doesn't do the homework she will be kicked out
of the program. I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.
I'm really struggling here at how to help her - any advice or
suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Karen
Jennifer Long
Karen,
I really think you should bring her home. Maybe part of her anxiety is the fact that she doesn't know whats best for her-school or homeschool because thats something that she seems to have control over. I think you as her parent should take all that stress off of her and make the decision....if you want to homeschool, tell her thats what your both going to do. Maybe that would make her feel much more secure to know that she doesnt HAVE to have that stress. Homework is a b***h and if it gets too frustrating, she should stop. The fact that she could get kicked out of the program makes it clearer to me that she should be home to go at her own pace. Let us know what you decide. :-)
JMO
Jen
lauermjkd1 <lauermjkd1@...> wrote:
Hi, I've lurked here for quite a while and have benefited greatly
from the wisdom of everyone here. My name is Karen and I have four
children. My oldest is in college, the next oldest is a junior in
p.s. (his choice), and my daughters are 13 and 9. The 9-year-old
has never been in school and we see how wonderful unschooling has
been for her. Every time I stray and find myself trying to "teach"
instead of following her lead, she lets me know in no uncertain
terms the error of my ways!!!
I'm writing about my 13-year-old daughter. She was in p.s. until
3rd grade, homeschooled slowly morphing into unschooled for 4th, 5th
and half of 6th. She went to p.s. the second half of 6th grade -
her insistence - then only took orchestra in 7th grade. This year
she is attending a program offered in our local district that
accelerates curricula - she's taking 3 classes - math, science and
English. Here's the problem: she has always been an extrememly
sensitive girl - her emotions lately have been almost raw. It seems
she's either angry or crying, and although I know some of it could
be attributed to her age/hormones, I think a lot of it comes from
anxiety and stress over school/homework. We originally took her out
of p.s. after 3rd grade because school worsened her ocd and anxiety.
She tells me she enjoys the classes, mostly, and gets good grades,
but often the homework brings her to tears. I don't know how to
help her.
I do help her plan strategies for the homework, encourage her to
still play and have fun, help her when she needs help... but I don't
see her stress dissipating at all yet.
Do I encourage her to come back home? What if she wants to stay in
school? How can I help her manage her intense emotions? In the
past she has found the choice to go to school or stay home to also
be a source of anxiety - it's so hard for her to make the choice
herself, yet I don't want to impose my will on her by making the
decision for her.
It tears me up so see her distraught so often. In this case, at
this school, if she doesn't do the homework she will be kicked out
of the program. I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.
I'm really struggling here at how to help her - any advice or
suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Karen
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I really think you should bring her home. Maybe part of her anxiety is the fact that she doesn't know whats best for her-school or homeschool because thats something that she seems to have control over. I think you as her parent should take all that stress off of her and make the decision....if you want to homeschool, tell her thats what your both going to do. Maybe that would make her feel much more secure to know that she doesnt HAVE to have that stress. Homework is a b***h and if it gets too frustrating, she should stop. The fact that she could get kicked out of the program makes it clearer to me that she should be home to go at her own pace. Let us know what you decide. :-)
JMO
Jen
lauermjkd1 <lauermjkd1@...> wrote:
Hi, I've lurked here for quite a while and have benefited greatly
from the wisdom of everyone here. My name is Karen and I have four
children. My oldest is in college, the next oldest is a junior in
p.s. (his choice), and my daughters are 13 and 9. The 9-year-old
has never been in school and we see how wonderful unschooling has
been for her. Every time I stray and find myself trying to "teach"
instead of following her lead, she lets me know in no uncertain
terms the error of my ways!!!
I'm writing about my 13-year-old daughter. She was in p.s. until
3rd grade, homeschooled slowly morphing into unschooled for 4th, 5th
and half of 6th. She went to p.s. the second half of 6th grade -
her insistence - then only took orchestra in 7th grade. This year
she is attending a program offered in our local district that
accelerates curricula - she's taking 3 classes - math, science and
English. Here's the problem: she has always been an extrememly
sensitive girl - her emotions lately have been almost raw. It seems
she's either angry or crying, and although I know some of it could
be attributed to her age/hormones, I think a lot of it comes from
anxiety and stress over school/homework. We originally took her out
of p.s. after 3rd grade because school worsened her ocd and anxiety.
She tells me she enjoys the classes, mostly, and gets good grades,
but often the homework brings her to tears. I don't know how to
help her.
I do help her plan strategies for the homework, encourage her to
still play and have fun, help her when she needs help... but I don't
see her stress dissipating at all yet.
Do I encourage her to come back home? What if she wants to stay in
school? How can I help her manage her intense emotions? In the
past she has found the choice to go to school or stay home to also
be a source of anxiety - it's so hard for her to make the choice
herself, yet I don't want to impose my will on her by making the
decision for her.
It tears me up so see her distraught so often. In this case, at
this school, if she doesn't do the homework she will be kicked out
of the program. I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.
I'm really struggling here at how to help her - any advice or
suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Karen
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Do I encourage her to come back home? -=-
Could you remind her she has the option, and that you hate to see her
so sad and stressed?
-=-What if she wants to stay in school?-=-
Does she have a clear and open choice right now? Did someone tell
her "you have to finish the semester if you go" or something like
that, or is she free to come home mid-day tomorrow?
-=-How can I help her manage her intense emotions-=-
Same way you would if school weren't a factor. Model calming down
when you're upset. Offer her a drink of water, a wet washcloth, set
a fan to blow toward her, offer to take her for ice cream, bring her
a sandwich or set juice in her reach without saying anything. Remind
her to breathe, to stand and stretch, put on happy music. Find a way
to get her to take a break without saying "Take a break," like ask
her to help you unload groceries, or to feed the cat, or to help a
sibling make a bed or something that will involve walking,
stretching, breathing.
-=-In this case, at this school, if she doesn't do the homework she
will be kicked out
of the program.-=-
Natural consequences, then. Would that be so bad?
-=-I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.-=-
My best suggestion is for you to detach and tell her you would rather
she come home, but tell her calmly without pressure. Then stop
aiding and abetting the school Let the school be the source of
stress, while you're a source of comfort.
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
That might help
I disagree with this advice: -=-I think you as her parent should take
all that stress off of her and make the decision....-=-
When parents make decisions for children it builds resentment and
longing and mistrust.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Could you remind her she has the option, and that you hate to see her
so sad and stressed?
-=-What if she wants to stay in school?-=-
Does she have a clear and open choice right now? Did someone tell
her "you have to finish the semester if you go" or something like
that, or is she free to come home mid-day tomorrow?
-=-How can I help her manage her intense emotions-=-
Same way you would if school weren't a factor. Model calming down
when you're upset. Offer her a drink of water, a wet washcloth, set
a fan to blow toward her, offer to take her for ice cream, bring her
a sandwich or set juice in her reach without saying anything. Remind
her to breathe, to stand and stretch, put on happy music. Find a way
to get her to take a break without saying "Take a break," like ask
her to help you unload groceries, or to feed the cat, or to help a
sibling make a bed or something that will involve walking,
stretching, breathing.
-=-In this case, at this school, if she doesn't do the homework she
will be kicked out
of the program.-=-
Natural consequences, then. Would that be so bad?
-=-I don't think she would ever make the choice not to
do the homework - she's too much of a perfectionist to do that.-=-
My best suggestion is for you to detach and tell her you would rather
she come home, but tell her calmly without pressure. Then stop
aiding and abetting the school Let the school be the source of
stress, while you're a source of comfort.
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
That might help
I disagree with this advice: -=-I think you as her parent should take
all that stress off of her and make the decision....-=-
When parents make decisions for children it builds resentment and
longing and mistrust.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-The books may be inadequate, otherwise she could likely
figure out how to do an assignment from the book. Are there any
workbooks or other helpful materials at the school?-=-
What about google or real-life 'materials' instead of more school stuff?
At bookstores there are often plastic review summaries for college
students, and one of those might help (a whole subject on two sides
of a laminated sheet).
-=-It sounds like it would help for both of you to meet with a school
counselor and the teachers to determine what it will take for this to
be a successful endeavor for her. I wish both of you the best.
Empower her with what you can.-=-
This is great mainstream information, available anywhere in the world.
-=-As for the "helpful advice" others had about detaching and letting
school be the source of stress, letting natural consequences (meaning
failure) take place, please ignore them-=-
Pat, what is your experience with unschooling? How old are your
children? How long have you unschooled?
-=-If she needs help to learn material she wants to learn, it
is not a crime to help, even though she wants to learn that material
at (gasp) a school.-=-
Snarkiness isn't helpful here. People come here because they
believe that John Holt knew what he was talking about, and I've read
enough Holt to know that "more school" was never his recommendation
on problems with school. And problems with school is not the topic
of this list, nor was it really the question the original poster was
posing to this list.
-=-...please ignore them. If your daughter needed
shoes, you'd get them for her. If she needed glasses, you'd get them
for her. -=-
School isn't glasses.
School isn't a pair of shoes.
If a child wants school, having the choice and choosing school, the
mom shouldn't get maximally stressed and become school's partner in
pressuring the child, or even "helping" the child by falling into the
fears and schedule and requirements. The mom who wrote didn't seem
to want help with ideas about asking the school for more materials,
or asking a school counselor for help making school more central to
life.
So really, please share your experience with unschooling and your
children's ages.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
figure out how to do an assignment from the book. Are there any
workbooks or other helpful materials at the school?-=-
What about google or real-life 'materials' instead of more school stuff?
At bookstores there are often plastic review summaries for college
students, and one of those might help (a whole subject on two sides
of a laminated sheet).
-=-It sounds like it would help for both of you to meet with a school
counselor and the teachers to determine what it will take for this to
be a successful endeavor for her. I wish both of you the best.
Empower her with what you can.-=-
This is great mainstream information, available anywhere in the world.
-=-As for the "helpful advice" others had about detaching and letting
school be the source of stress, letting natural consequences (meaning
failure) take place, please ignore them-=-
Pat, what is your experience with unschooling? How old are your
children? How long have you unschooled?
-=-If she needs help to learn material she wants to learn, it
is not a crime to help, even though she wants to learn that material
at (gasp) a school.-=-
Snarkiness isn't helpful here. People come here because they
believe that John Holt knew what he was talking about, and I've read
enough Holt to know that "more school" was never his recommendation
on problems with school. And problems with school is not the topic
of this list, nor was it really the question the original poster was
posing to this list.
-=-...please ignore them. If your daughter needed
shoes, you'd get them for her. If she needed glasses, you'd get them
for her. -=-
School isn't glasses.
School isn't a pair of shoes.
If a child wants school, having the choice and choosing school, the
mom shouldn't get maximally stressed and become school's partner in
pressuring the child, or even "helping" the child by falling into the
fears and schedule and requirements. The mom who wrote didn't seem
to want help with ideas about asking the school for more materials,
or asking a school counselor for help making school more central to
life.
So really, please share your experience with unschooling and your
children's ages.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-The problem is what is causing the anxiety, not the anxiety itself.
I'm totally opposed to the stress that school inspires. -=-
I'm totally opposed to having someone tell unschoolers to ignore me
(or anyone) on my own list.
Part of anxiety, and part of the problem (Any problem) is the feeling
of being trapped, and of being pressured, and of needing to meet
other people's expectations. Part of any anxiety is the feeling of
having an audience or of needing to answer to other people later.
If a parent disengages and detaches--not heartlessly, not coldly--
then that's one less factor in the anxiety of the child. And from the
mom's point of view, it's a HUGE relief.
The parent isn't going to school.
If parents own a child's emotions and actions and tell them what is
and isn't worth being concerned about, it's robbery.
I don't own Holly's need for shoes. Good example, shoes, because I
grew up without enough shoes, without good enough shoes. Usually I
owned only one pair at a time. Sometimes they were uncomfortable.
I have often tried to buy shoes for Holly when she didn't want any.
I have never said "no" when she said "shoes."
If I were to advise a mom, based on my experience, to wait for her
kid to want shoes and then help him get some, that wouldn't be cold-
hearted information.
If I advise moms (as I have, with good results for many years) to let
a child go to school or not without forcing or controlling, that's
not cold-hearted advice. Yesterday, September 28, I spent some time
with Elijah Trujillo, my nephew, who was the child whose gifted-class
adventures led to the article "Public School on your Own Terms."
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice Elijah was little then. First
or second grade. He's twenty years old now, and doing great. But
if I hadn't had good feedback on that article over the ten+ years
since it was published, I wouldn't still be sharing it out.
If a mom realizes she doesn't HAVE to help a child with homework and
studying and school, then she can choose to help or not. If she is
made to feel she has no choice, then two people are feeling trapped.
-=-As for the "helpful advice" others had about detaching and letting
school be the source of stress, letting natural consequences (meaning
failure) take place, please ignore them.-=-
Uncool. Uncool on the quotation marks on helpful advice, and uncool
asking people to ignore the advice of experienced unschoolers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm totally opposed to the stress that school inspires. -=-
I'm totally opposed to having someone tell unschoolers to ignore me
(or anyone) on my own list.
Part of anxiety, and part of the problem (Any problem) is the feeling
of being trapped, and of being pressured, and of needing to meet
other people's expectations. Part of any anxiety is the feeling of
having an audience or of needing to answer to other people later.
If a parent disengages and detaches--not heartlessly, not coldly--
then that's one less factor in the anxiety of the child. And from the
mom's point of view, it's a HUGE relief.
The parent isn't going to school.
If parents own a child's emotions and actions and tell them what is
and isn't worth being concerned about, it's robbery.
I don't own Holly's need for shoes. Good example, shoes, because I
grew up without enough shoes, without good enough shoes. Usually I
owned only one pair at a time. Sometimes they were uncomfortable.
I have often tried to buy shoes for Holly when she didn't want any.
I have never said "no" when she said "shoes."
If I were to advise a mom, based on my experience, to wait for her
kid to want shoes and then help him get some, that wouldn't be cold-
hearted information.
If I advise moms (as I have, with good results for many years) to let
a child go to school or not without forcing or controlling, that's
not cold-hearted advice. Yesterday, September 28, I spent some time
with Elijah Trujillo, my nephew, who was the child whose gifted-class
adventures led to the article "Public School on your Own Terms."
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice Elijah was little then. First
or second grade. He's twenty years old now, and doing great. But
if I hadn't had good feedback on that article over the ten+ years
since it was published, I wouldn't still be sharing it out.
If a mom realizes she doesn't HAVE to help a child with homework and
studying and school, then she can choose to help or not. If she is
made to feel she has no choice, then two people are feeling trapped.
-=-As for the "helpful advice" others had about detaching and letting
school be the source of stress, letting natural consequences (meaning
failure) take place, please ignore them.-=-
Uncool. Uncool on the quotation marks on helpful advice, and uncool
asking people to ignore the advice of experienced unschoolers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My response was from a mom whose kid was stressed with
school.-=-
But not from an unschooling mom.
-=- I also said I've been in the daughter's shoes.-=--
Unless your mom was an unschooling, I don't think you had been in
*that* daughter's shoes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
school.-=-
But not from an unschooling mom.
-=- I also said I've been in the daughter's shoes.-=--
Unless your mom was an unschooling, I don't think you had been in
*that* daughter's shoes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]