Low self-esteem
Momma
My 7 year old dd seems to have self-esteem issues. I am not sure what I am
doing wrong or how to help her to feel better about herself. My first
instinct is to praise her a lot. I know that is the wrong response because I
don't want her to turn out like me-a people pleaser and a praise junkie (I'm
getting better with that). We have been unschooling for about 2 years now
and I thought we were doing pretty well, much better than before, but
obviously I am missing something crucial here.
I would appreciate any ideas anyone might have.
Thanks, Dawn
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doing wrong or how to help her to feel better about herself. My first
instinct is to praise her a lot. I know that is the wrong response because I
don't want her to turn out like me-a people pleaser and a praise junkie (I'm
getting better with that). We have been unschooling for about 2 years now
and I thought we were doing pretty well, much better than before, but
obviously I am missing something crucial here.
I would appreciate any ideas anyone might have.
Thanks, Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My first
instinct is to praise her a lot. I know that is the wrong response
because I
don't want her to turn out like me-a people pleaser and a praise
junkie (I'm
getting better with that). We have been unschooling for about 2 years
now
and I thought we were doing pretty well, much better than before, but
obviously I am missing something crucial here.
-=-
Can you try to find more things that surprise her happily?
When she thinks something is fun all of a sudden, that feeling is
closer to joy than if you build up to something slowly and she has
time to picture it and then be somehow disappointed.
I think a lot of families do that. They plan a week ahead to play
miniature golf, or save money methodically for a Barbie, but if you
just pop it on them suddenly you get the "tadaa!!" factor.
Maybe stop at a park you just happen to be passing, and run and play
a while.
Things that make her smile, and get her tired, and give her a sense
of satisfaction are real.
Ideas in her head that you try to combat with ideas from your head,
that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
Mix it up. Do new things.
Don't summarize and review the past in ways that compare it to now.
Don't SAY to her "we're doing better now than we used to." Just do
better in the next moment than you did in the last one.
It's an idea, anyway.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
instinct is to praise her a lot. I know that is the wrong response
because I
don't want her to turn out like me-a people pleaser and a praise
junkie (I'm
getting better with that). We have been unschooling for about 2 years
now
and I thought we were doing pretty well, much better than before, but
obviously I am missing something crucial here.
-=-
Can you try to find more things that surprise her happily?
When she thinks something is fun all of a sudden, that feeling is
closer to joy than if you build up to something slowly and she has
time to picture it and then be somehow disappointed.
I think a lot of families do that. They plan a week ahead to play
miniature golf, or save money methodically for a Barbie, but if you
just pop it on them suddenly you get the "tadaa!!" factor.
Maybe stop at a park you just happen to be passing, and run and play
a while.
Things that make her smile, and get her tired, and give her a sense
of satisfaction are real.
Ideas in her head that you try to combat with ideas from your head,
that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
Mix it up. Do new things.
Don't summarize and review the past in ways that compare it to now.
Don't SAY to her "we're doing better now than we used to." Just do
better in the next moment than you did in the last one.
It's an idea, anyway.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Ideas in her head that you try to combat with ideas from your head,
that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
---I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
Mix it up. Do new things.
---That I can defiantly do.
Don't summarize and review the past in ways that compare it to now.
Don't SAY to her "we're doing better now than we used to." Just do
better in the next moment than you did in the last one.
---Gosh I never saw it like that at all. You're absolutely right.
Dawn
.
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=26661&stime=1155075846&nc1=3848650&nc2=3848641&nc3=3848504>
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that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
---I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
Mix it up. Do new things.
---That I can defiantly do.
Don't summarize and review the past in ways that compare it to now.
Don't SAY to her "we're doing better now than we used to." Just do
better in the next moment than you did in the last one.
---Gosh I never saw it like that at all. You're absolutely right.
Dawn
.
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=26661&stime=1155075846&nc1=3848650&nc2=3848641&nc3=3848504>
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Sandra Dodd
-=-Ideas in her head that you try to combat with ideas from your head,
that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
---I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
-=-
Sorry. You're right. It looks stupid. I'm trying to find a better
way to say it.
If she's stuck, she's stuck in ways you can't see. Talking to her
about it just puts more words in her head. It's already full of
words. Some of her words and ideas (guessing, from what you wrote)
are about her not feeling confident and full and whole.
If you talk to her (praise, or reason, or anything) you're
a) putting words in her head
b) telling her she's wrong and could be better
c) just being there, talking.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that's all just construct and your imagination won't match hers.
That can be like doing nothing.
---I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
-=-
Sorry. You're right. It looks stupid. I'm trying to find a better
way to say it.
If she's stuck, she's stuck in ways you can't see. Talking to her
about it just puts more words in her head. It's already full of
words. Some of her words and ideas (guessing, from what you wrote)
are about her not feeling confident and full and whole.
If you talk to her (praise, or reason, or anything) you're
a) putting words in her head
b) telling her she's wrong and could be better
c) just being there, talking.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
If you talk to her (praise, or reason, or anything) you're
a) putting words in her head
b) telling her she's wrong and could be better
c) just being there, talking.
So should I just listen and not say anything? She's had some meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I would just
scram" Like I said, she's had 2 meltdowns in the last month or so and these
are just an example of some of the things she said during those meltdowns.
Until she said these things I really had no idea she felt this way.
Obviously, she is not feeling this way because of one or two instances that
have happened. These are very heavy feelings that have been building up for
awhile.
-Dawn
.
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=26663&stime=1155079692&nc1=3848533&nc2=3848633&nc3=3848501>
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a) putting words in her head
b) telling her she's wrong and could be better
c) just being there, talking.
So should I just listen and not say anything? She's had some meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I would just
scram" Like I said, she's had 2 meltdowns in the last month or so and these
are just an example of some of the things she said during those meltdowns.
Until she said these things I really had no idea she felt this way.
Obviously, she is not feeling this way because of one or two instances that
have happened. These are very heavy feelings that have been building up for
awhile.
-Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26663&stime=1155079692&nc1=3848533&nc2=3848633&nc3=3848501>
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Angela S.
I don't know about your dd, but mine gets that way when she is over tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep so
she won't feel so badly.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
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It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep so
she won't feel so badly.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
I don't know about your dd, but mine gets that way when she is over tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep so
she won't feel so badly.
Angela
---Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted. So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself just
broke my heart.
Dawn
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26667&stime=1155085734&nc1=3865789&nc2=3848506&nc3=3848622>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep so
she won't feel so badly.
Angela
---Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted. So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself just
broke my heart.
Dawn
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26667&stime=1155085734&nc1=3865789&nc2=3848506&nc3=3848622>
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Jennifer Long
Hi everyone,
My extended family is really getting me down about homeschooling my 7 year old daughter Courtney. My mom tnoight was on the phone with my aunt and I whispered to her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She waved her hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that tonight." So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before that made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. Hello? Why dont these people take me seriously and what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?
Jen L
Cranston, RI
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My extended family is really getting me down about homeschooling my 7 year old daughter Courtney. My mom tnoight was on the phone with my aunt and I whispered to her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She waved her hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that tonight." So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before that made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. Hello? Why dont these people take me seriously and what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?
Jen L
Cranston, RI
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-So should I just listen and not say anything? She's had some
meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I
would just
scram"-=-
I think going for a walk, asking her to help you let the dog out,
going on a short errand (get gas in the car, buy a gallon of milk,
something that gets you and her physically in a different place, with
different air) would help better than talking.
But if one of my kids said those things (I've changed Dillon to
Marty) I might say things like this:
"I can't do anything right"
I've seen you do lots of right stuff.
or
Do you think there's really anyone who can't do ANYthing right?
(But I would also be moving to get her into a different physical
location, if conveniently possible.)
----------------
"Marty does stuff right but I can't"
Marty's a lot like Keith. There are lots of things Keith can do that
I can't do. But I can do some things he can't. People are different.
or
Marty's not as good at drawing as you are.
=====================================
"I'm not good like everyone else"
Some people bloom earlier and some later. Just like flowers.
The trees that grow the fastest aren't the strongest trees.
(I'd say something true and indirect that she could think about later.)
=========================================
"I'm not smart"
Do you think macaroni and cheese would help?
or
I'm not smart sometimes. Sleeping helps me.
or
Who do you think is smart? (and then use her answer as a springboard
to other things)
(There's a paper plate up in our kitchen with notes on Garder's
Multiple Intelligences, from a conversation Holly and I had last week
about the old theory of "IQ" and the new-improved ideas about
multiple intelligences. Maybe you could discuss that with her, and
say the idea of "smart" isn't a very good one, and has caused a lot
of harm over the years. That way it's not about her, it's about
people before she was ever born.)
==========================================
"I'm not strong"
There are different ways to be strong. Some people can open jars and
lift heavy logs but wouldn't be able to have a baby.
(or maybe ask a question)
Strong how, physically? There are other ways to be strong.
(or if it's about something specific, tell stories)
===========================================
"I bet you wish I would just scram"
I would really miss you if you scrammed.
or
Maybe we could scram together. You want to go for ice cream?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I
would just
scram"-=-
I think going for a walk, asking her to help you let the dog out,
going on a short errand (get gas in the car, buy a gallon of milk,
something that gets you and her physically in a different place, with
different air) would help better than talking.
But if one of my kids said those things (I've changed Dillon to
Marty) I might say things like this:
"I can't do anything right"
I've seen you do lots of right stuff.
or
Do you think there's really anyone who can't do ANYthing right?
(But I would also be moving to get her into a different physical
location, if conveniently possible.)
----------------
"Marty does stuff right but I can't"
Marty's a lot like Keith. There are lots of things Keith can do that
I can't do. But I can do some things he can't. People are different.
or
Marty's not as good at drawing as you are.
=====================================
"I'm not good like everyone else"
Some people bloom earlier and some later. Just like flowers.
The trees that grow the fastest aren't the strongest trees.
(I'd say something true and indirect that she could think about later.)
=========================================
"I'm not smart"
Do you think macaroni and cheese would help?
or
I'm not smart sometimes. Sleeping helps me.
or
Who do you think is smart? (and then use her answer as a springboard
to other things)
(There's a paper plate up in our kitchen with notes on Garder's
Multiple Intelligences, from a conversation Holly and I had last week
about the old theory of "IQ" and the new-improved ideas about
multiple intelligences. Maybe you could discuss that with her, and
say the idea of "smart" isn't a very good one, and has caused a lot
of harm over the years. That way it's not about her, it's about
people before she was ever born.)
==========================================
"I'm not strong"
There are different ways to be strong. Some people can open jars and
lift heavy logs but wouldn't be able to have a baby.
(or maybe ask a question)
Strong how, physically? There are other ways to be strong.
(or if it's about something specific, tell stories)
===========================================
"I bet you wish I would just scram"
I would really miss you if you scrammed.
or
Maybe we could scram together. You want to go for ice cream?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I don't know about your dd, but mine gets that way when she is
over tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and
frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra
sleep so
she won't feel so badly.-=-
Good point.
Frustration does it for Holly, so I try to get her up and away from
the frustrating project for a little while. Staying there has all
the memories of the frustrated moment.
There is the much-used tool of HALT: Are you hungry? Angry?
Lonely? Tired? Those are all things moms can help a child recover
from or dodge.
I'm big on distraction. When I get frustrated I get up and walk into
the yard or another part of the house, do a couple of little useful
things, and come back feeling better. The walking helps, the fresh
air or different point of view helps, the moments to think help.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
over tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and
frustrated she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra
sleep so
she won't feel so badly.-=-
Good point.
Frustration does it for Holly, so I try to get her up and away from
the frustrating project for a little while. Staying there has all
the memories of the frustrated moment.
There is the much-used tool of HALT: Are you hungry? Angry?
Lonely? Tired? Those are all things moms can help a child recover
from or dodge.
I'm big on distraction. When I get frustrated I get up and walk into
the yard or another part of the house, do a couple of little useful
things, and come back feeling better. The walking helps, the fresh
air or different point of view helps, the moments to think help.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted.
So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just
shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself
just
broke my heart. -=-
I think you should try to help her.
To me "don't worry about it" means blow it off, ignore it, let it be
as if it didn't happen. Maybe you didn't mean that.
If by "worry about it" you meant that she might need therapy to avoid
suicide, I think that would be too much worry. But you could help
her lie down and sleep, maybe. Maybe offer to read her to sleep, or
ask her to come and lie down with you.
If she likes it, maybe brushing her hair would be soothing and
relaxing for her. The other day Holly and I were away from home and
she was a little powerless and antsy in the situation. She put her
head in my lap and I just scratched slowly through her hair, pulling
it up toward the top of her head, just one hand and then the other,
kind of massaging her head and playing with her hair and combing it
with my fingers. She got totally relaxed, and I did it the same slow
way for a long time. I was still talking with the adults. She was
spared the need to try to make eye contact, or to worry about looking
bored, or leaving. She was still there physically, but was in her
own little space with me. If we were home she could've fallen asleep
easily.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just
shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself
just
broke my heart. -=-
I think you should try to help her.
To me "don't worry about it" means blow it off, ignore it, let it be
as if it didn't happen. Maybe you didn't mean that.
If by "worry about it" you meant that she might need therapy to avoid
suicide, I think that would be too much worry. But you could help
her lie down and sleep, maybe. Maybe offer to read her to sleep, or
ask her to come and lie down with you.
If she likes it, maybe brushing her hair would be soothing and
relaxing for her. The other day Holly and I were away from home and
she was a little powerless and antsy in the situation. She put her
head in my lap and I just scratched slowly through her hair, pulling
it up toward the top of her head, just one hand and then the other,
kind of massaging her head and playing with her hair and combing it
with my fingers. She got totally relaxed, and I did it the same slow
way for a long time. I was still talking with the adults. She was
spared the need to try to make eye contact, or to worry about looking
bored, or leaving. She was still there physically, but was in her
own little space with me. If we were home she could've fallen asleep
easily.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My mom tnoight was on the phone with my aunt and I whispered to
her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She waved her
hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that
tonight." -=-
But why did you do that? Let it go. Tell your aunt yourself, later,
maybe.
If you know it's something that's going to make them uncomfortable,
don't bring it up at casual times.
-=-So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me
like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before
that made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. -=-
Sending in a letter of intent doesn't keep it from being a temporary
situation. Thousands of people have registered their kids for school
this year, but that doesn't mean they'll finish the school year.
Thousands who pay big bucks for college tuition will drop out before
Christmas.
You ARE going through a phase. You're in a phase of heightened
excitement about the newness of homeschooling, right? It's cool when
that happens! You're excited, but you can't expect others to be
excited. In the case of your mom and your aunt, your declaration
will stir up too much in them for them to be happy for you. You're
basically telling them they wasted time and energy, that they did
something to you you now wish they hadn't, that you're a better mom
than they were (maybe some or all of that, depending).
-=-Hello? Why dont these people take me seriously and what on earth
do I tell family members when they confront me?-=-
If you were telling your mom to tell your aunt you were going to be
homeschooling, maybe they don't take you seriously because of things
like that. Maybe you're really young. (Guessing; don't know.)
If you don't know what on earth you will tell family members, and if
you're expecting to be confronted, those are clues about why they
might not take you seriously.
An easy thing to tell people the first couple of years, and a true
thing, is that you're going to try it and if it quits working out you
can put her in school. It's absolutely true, it will give them hope
that you'll fail, and it will give you space to try it without
pressure. If you declare "I'm homeschooling no matter WHAT you say;
she will never see the inside of a school," then you're not putting
your daughter first, and you're not being very realistic or calm.
Take it a day at a time, and don't plan for confrontations that
haven't happened.
All the energy expressed up above might have been better spent with
and on your daughter. The more cool things you do with her, the more
confident you will be and the more stories you'll have to tell
relatives who ask you how your experiment is going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She waved her
hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that
tonight." -=-
But why did you do that? Let it go. Tell your aunt yourself, later,
maybe.
If you know it's something that's going to make them uncomfortable,
don't bring it up at casual times.
-=-So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me
like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before
that made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. -=-
Sending in a letter of intent doesn't keep it from being a temporary
situation. Thousands of people have registered their kids for school
this year, but that doesn't mean they'll finish the school year.
Thousands who pay big bucks for college tuition will drop out before
Christmas.
You ARE going through a phase. You're in a phase of heightened
excitement about the newness of homeschooling, right? It's cool when
that happens! You're excited, but you can't expect others to be
excited. In the case of your mom and your aunt, your declaration
will stir up too much in them for them to be happy for you. You're
basically telling them they wasted time and energy, that they did
something to you you now wish they hadn't, that you're a better mom
than they were (maybe some or all of that, depending).
-=-Hello? Why dont these people take me seriously and what on earth
do I tell family members when they confront me?-=-
If you were telling your mom to tell your aunt you were going to be
homeschooling, maybe they don't take you seriously because of things
like that. Maybe you're really young. (Guessing; don't know.)
If you don't know what on earth you will tell family members, and if
you're expecting to be confronted, those are clues about why they
might not take you seriously.
An easy thing to tell people the first couple of years, and a true
thing, is that you're going to try it and if it quits working out you
can put her in school. It's absolutely true, it will give them hope
that you'll fail, and it will give you space to try it without
pressure. If you declare "I'm homeschooling no matter WHAT you say;
she will never see the inside of a school," then you're not putting
your daughter first, and you're not being very realistic or calm.
Take it a day at a time, and don't plan for confrontations that
haven't happened.
All the energy expressed up above might have been better spent with
and on your daughter. The more cool things you do with her, the more
confident you will be and the more stories you'll have to tell
relatives who ask you how your experiment is going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
If by "worry about it" you meant that she might need therapy to avoid
suicide, I think that would be too much worry.
---I had to laugh when I read this. These were actually my thoughts.
Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26672&stime=1155088416&nc1=3848531&nc2=3848504&nc3=3848650>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
suicide, I think that would be too much worry.
---I had to laugh when I read this. These were actually my thoughts.
Dawn
.
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=26672&stime=1155088416&nc1=3848531&nc2=3848504&nc3=3848650>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathleen Whitfield
My 8yo has said things like that. Pointing out her talents realistically has
helped, but, for my daughter, it was definitely a sign that I needed to give
her more focused attention.
Some of her sadness was undoubtedly a reaction to the fact that my husband
and I and our 10yo son are all very interested in baseball and we spend a
lot of time talking about, reading about and watching baseball. She's not at
all interested in that. I think baseball was making her feel separated from
us and that her brother was somehow more "loved" because he shared his
parents' interest in a way she doesn't.
She liked it when we started spending a lot of time with her ice skating and
when we discovered and embraced other things she's interested in: Disney
Channel shows, "How Do I Look?" on the Style channel, different kind of
music. She has seemed a lot happier. I can spend a lot of time talking to my
son about baseball history, but I also make sure I'm initiating
conversations with my daughter about Hannah Montana or clothes or music.
I'll dig up one of my CDs that has music that I think she might like or go
window-shopping and bargain-hunting with her. (Last week, we found a pair of
Converse All-Star high-tops for $4.95 -- they were lime green with large
polka dots and perfect for her.) I bought tickets for us for the Radio
Disney 10th Birthday Concert, which no one expected until we bought them,
which showed her we don't just spend money on baseball games.
In at least my daughter's case, I didn't see those kinds of phrases as low
self-esteem as much as a call for more -- and a different kind of --
attention.
Kathleen
in L.A.
on 8/8/06 6:04 PM, Momma at southernbelle@... wrote:
So should I just listen and not say anything? She's had some meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I would just
scram" Like I said, she's had 2 meltdowns in the last month or so and these
are just an example of some of the things she said during those meltdowns.
Until she said these things I really had no idea she felt this way.
Obviously, she is not feeling this way because of one or two instances that
have happened. These are very heavy feelings that have been building up for
awhile.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
helped, but, for my daughter, it was definitely a sign that I needed to give
her more focused attention.
Some of her sadness was undoubtedly a reaction to the fact that my husband
and I and our 10yo son are all very interested in baseball and we spend a
lot of time talking about, reading about and watching baseball. She's not at
all interested in that. I think baseball was making her feel separated from
us and that her brother was somehow more "loved" because he shared his
parents' interest in a way she doesn't.
She liked it when we started spending a lot of time with her ice skating and
when we discovered and embraced other things she's interested in: Disney
Channel shows, "How Do I Look?" on the Style channel, different kind of
music. She has seemed a lot happier. I can spend a lot of time talking to my
son about baseball history, but I also make sure I'm initiating
conversations with my daughter about Hannah Montana or clothes or music.
I'll dig up one of my CDs that has music that I think she might like or go
window-shopping and bargain-hunting with her. (Last week, we found a pair of
Converse All-Star high-tops for $4.95 -- they were lime green with large
polka dots and perfect for her.) I bought tickets for us for the Radio
Disney 10th Birthday Concert, which no one expected until we bought them,
which showed her we don't just spend money on baseball games.
In at least my daughter's case, I didn't see those kinds of phrases as low
self-esteem as much as a call for more -- and a different kind of --
attention.
Kathleen
in L.A.
on 8/8/06 6:04 PM, Momma at southernbelle@... wrote:
So should I just listen and not say anything? She's had some meltdowns
lately. Well, twice. She said things like, "I can't do anything right"
"Dillon (her brother) does stuff right but I can't" "I'm not good like
everyone else" "I'm not smart" "I'm not strong" "I bet you wish I would just
scram" Like I said, she's had 2 meltdowns in the last month or so and these
are just an example of some of the things she said during those meltdowns.
Until she said these things I really had no idea she felt this way.
Obviously, she is not feeling this way because of one or two instances that
have happened. These are very heavy feelings that have been building up for
awhile.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela S.
<---Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted. So
you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself just
broke my heart.>
What Sandra said..Don't worry tons about it, but address the issue still.
Help her to understand that when she is tired and frustrated that she
doesn't respond to things in the same way that she does when she is well
rested and feeling good. Help her to know it's a symptom of being over
tired and that she'll feel better after a good night's sleep. I always
offer to go to bed early with her and she enjoys the cuddle time too, which
helps.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself just
broke my heart.>
What Sandra said..Don't worry tons about it, but address the issue still.
Help her to understand that when she is tired and frustrated that she
doesn't respond to things in the same way that she does when she is well
rested and feeling good. Help her to know it's a symptom of being over
tired and that she'll feel better after a good night's sleep. I always
offer to go to bed early with her and she enjoys the cuddle time too, which
helps.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
"Why dont these people take me seriously and
what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?"
I'm guessing you haven't had much space from your family in life?
Either lived near them or not had enough years as an adult away from
home to detach from their opinions and views?
Repeat after me: "your perception of me does not affect who I am" :)
It doesn't really matter if they take you seriously at this point,
that's pretty normal. Living a full, rich life with your child is the
best "proof" ever. After years of this, they'll take you
seriously....but until then, let it roll off your back.
I remember when I went vegetarian. A girl I worked with at the Health
Club asked how long I'd been veg...it had only been two weeks. "oh ok"
she said in this tone that sounded like a hand-wave, dismissive.
I've been mostly vegetarian (other than occasional seafood, 2-3x per
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?"
I'm guessing you haven't had much space from your family in life?
Either lived near them or not had enough years as an adult away from
home to detach from their opinions and views?
Repeat after me: "your perception of me does not affect who I am" :)
It doesn't really matter if they take you seriously at this point,
that's pretty normal. Living a full, rich life with your child is the
best "proof" ever. After years of this, they'll take you
seriously....but until then, let it roll off your back.
I remember when I went vegetarian. A girl I worked with at the Health
Club asked how long I'd been veg...it had only been two weeks. "oh ok"
she said in this tone that sounded like a hand-wave, dismissive.
I've been mostly vegetarian (other than occasional seafood, 2-3x per
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: southernbelle@...
I don't know about your dd, but mine gets that way when she is over
tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated
she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep
so
she won't feel so badly.
***************
---Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted.
So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked
the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself
just
broke my heart.
-=-=-=-
Duncan's done this several times---HUGE meltdowns where he really seems
suicidal. To the point where I've called my dad the psychiatrist to
find out what to do.
One time, Daddy talked to him for three minutes and all's well. <g> At
least I knew then it wasn't a dangerous situation. Ugly and horrible
and serious, but not dangerous. I guess my dad knows what to say! <G>
But we keep "Rescue Remedy" handy. We'll both take a few drops. I try
to get him to take a few deep breaths with me. Sometimes, he's so wound
up, he won't. I think sometimes he's just *needing* to be able to
meltdown like this---he NEEDS to be able to cry and vent. I don't think
he *wants* to, but I think there's something hiding that he needs to
get OUT.
He has a brother who is eight years older and into so many things. I'm
sure that seems overwhelming when you're only eight or nine or ten. Mom
& Dad and big brother have *things* to do. We're all better at drawing
than he is (well, except Ben<g>)---and he wants to be a Manga artist.
So it's frustrating. I think some days he just has a BUNCH of
frustration build up over time, and he just needs to let it all out.
It's usually HORRIBLE, but after the 30-40 minutes of hell, he bounces
back and is fine! While it's happening (and especially the first time),
I'm ready to hospitalize him! We've had 5-6 of them over 2-3 years. I
know what to do *now*! <g> Rescue Remedy, hugs, listening, validating,
brainstorming. Soft music and those slice & bake chocolate chip cookies
don't hurt! <G>
Afterwards, he's just as bright and fun as usual. No one would know how
terrifying the whole ordeal was---or that it even took place! And it's
often shortly followed by a growth spurt or increased ability in
whatever's been the issue (drawing or diving or whatever).
BTDT. And I may have another 2-3 in my future! <G> I take them very
seriously when they're happening, but I'm pretty sure they're just a
reaction to frustration and not a permanent condition.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: southernbelle@...
I don't know about your dd, but mine gets that way when she is over
tired.
It isn't how she normally feels but when she's exhausted and frustrated
she
sometimes feels badly about herself like that. She realizes that it is a
symptom of being overtired and she makes plans to get some extra sleep
so
she won't feel so badly.
***************
---Both times this happened she was very tired-I would say exhausted.
So you
think I shouldn't worry about it? I think the whole thing just shocked
the
hell out of me. To hear my little girl say those things about herself
just
broke my heart.
-=-=-=-
Duncan's done this several times---HUGE meltdowns where he really seems
suicidal. To the point where I've called my dad the psychiatrist to
find out what to do.
One time, Daddy talked to him for three minutes and all's well. <g> At
least I knew then it wasn't a dangerous situation. Ugly and horrible
and serious, but not dangerous. I guess my dad knows what to say! <G>
But we keep "Rescue Remedy" handy. We'll both take a few drops. I try
to get him to take a few deep breaths with me. Sometimes, he's so wound
up, he won't. I think sometimes he's just *needing* to be able to
meltdown like this---he NEEDS to be able to cry and vent. I don't think
he *wants* to, but I think there's something hiding that he needs to
get OUT.
He has a brother who is eight years older and into so many things. I'm
sure that seems overwhelming when you're only eight or nine or ten. Mom
& Dad and big brother have *things* to do. We're all better at drawing
than he is (well, except Ben<g>)---and he wants to be a Manga artist.
So it's frustrating. I think some days he just has a BUNCH of
frustration build up over time, and he just needs to let it all out.
It's usually HORRIBLE, but after the 30-40 minutes of hell, he bounces
back and is fine! While it's happening (and especially the first time),
I'm ready to hospitalize him! We've had 5-6 of them over 2-3 years. I
know what to do *now*! <g> Rescue Remedy, hugs, listening, validating,
brainstorming. Soft music and those slice & bake chocolate chip cookies
don't hurt! <G>
Afterwards, he's just as bright and fun as usual. No one would know how
terrifying the whole ordeal was---or that it even took place! And it's
often shortly followed by a growth spurt or increased ability in
whatever's been the issue (drawing or diving or whatever).
BTDT. And I may have another 2-3 in my future! <G> I take them very
seriously when they're happening, but I'm pretty sure they're just a
reaction to frustration and not a permanent condition.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Jennifer Long
Oh my gosh Ren, you hit it right on the head. I actually live in a two family with my mom right below us. lol And I grew up in a household where my father constantly belittled my mom, my brothers and myself. She finally divorced him when I told her that my husband and I would buy a two family with her if she would just leave him already. She took us up on it so here we are. My brothers and I are constantly craving praise or attention from my father (even though not one of us can stand him) and he's always calling us. Since we dont get any kind of acknowledgement from him at all, we tend to seek it from other sources. I tend to need to be validated by other people that what I'm doing is ok. I've always been like that which is why starting to homeschool is very scary for me-not because I cant do IT, but I'm afraid of what others will think: I'm not qualified enough, good enough, stable enough emotionally to handle it, etc....
Jen L.
Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
"Why dont these people take me seriously and
what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?"
I'm guessing you haven't had much space from your family in life?
Either lived near them or not had enough years as an adult away from
home to detach from their opinions and views?
Repeat after me: "your perception of me does not affect who I am" :)
It doesn't really matter if they take you seriously at this point,
that's pretty normal. Living a full, rich life with your child is the
best "proof" ever. After years of this, they'll take you
seriously....but until then, let it roll off your back.
I remember when I went vegetarian. A girl I worked with at the Health
Club asked how long I'd been veg...it had only been two weeks. "oh ok"
she said in this tone that sounded like a hand-wave, dismissive.
I've been mostly vegetarian (other than occasional seafood, 2-3x per
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jen L.
Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
"Why dont these people take me seriously and
what on earth do I tell family members when they confront me?"
I'm guessing you haven't had much space from your family in life?
Either lived near them or not had enough years as an adult away from
home to detach from their opinions and views?
Repeat after me: "your perception of me does not affect who I am" :)
It doesn't really matter if they take you seriously at this point,
that's pretty normal. Living a full, rich life with your child is the
best "proof" ever. After years of this, they'll take you
seriously....but until then, let it roll off your back.
I remember when I went vegetarian. A girl I worked with at the Health
Club asked how long I'd been veg...it had only been two weeks. "oh ok"
she said in this tone that sounded like a hand-wave, dismissive.
I've been mostly vegetarian (other than occasional seafood, 2-3x per
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I've been mostly vegetarian (other than occasional seafood, 2-3x per
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.-=-
Really good, what Ren wrote.
Think of it as stepping lightly into the area, though, and not
stomping in yelling "I'm HOMESCHOOLING!" You'll do better just
living it matter of factly and not feeling the need to explain it.
As time goes on you can explain it with real examples from your own
child's learning, instead of theoretically or with stories from other
people's kids. That's when the balance shifts, when you KNOW it
works because it's working.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
year) since 1995. I've homeschooled since 1996. People don't say much
anymore.:) Time and experience will give you tools, until then, I
wouldn't say much to them about it...just live your life.-=-
Really good, what Ren wrote.
Think of it as stepping lightly into the area, though, and not
stomping in yelling "I'm HOMESCHOOLING!" You'll do better just
living it matter of factly and not feeling the need to explain it.
As time goes on you can explain it with real examples from your own
child's learning, instead of theoretically or with stories from other
people's kids. That's when the balance shifts, when you KNOW it
works because it's working.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
BTDT. And I may have another 2-3 in my future! <G> I take them very
seriously when they're happening, but I'm pretty sure they're just a
reaction to frustration and not a permanent condition.
~Kelly
---Well, I feel better know that this happens with other children as well.
My first thought was, "Oh God, I've totally screwed up my kid!" I did and
do take it seriously but I'm not feeling the panic so much now. I don't want
to dismiss it as *just being tired* but I'll hold off on calling the
psychiatrist (lol).
My husband and son and I do have some things in common (hockey and fishing)
that she doesn't particularly care for. Like Kathleen mentioned, maybe I
need to make an extra effort to participate in her interests more to create
some balance. I am also thinking that we need to look at our family dynamics
more closely. Do we treat her differently than her brother? Do we "baby" her
to the point that she feels she is not capable? Does she feel empowered in
her world? Maybe do some talking when she's not having a meltdown and in the
heat of the moment.
Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26679&stime=1155129580&nc1=3848631&nc2=3848546&nc3=3848581>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
seriously when they're happening, but I'm pretty sure they're just a
reaction to frustration and not a permanent condition.
~Kelly
---Well, I feel better know that this happens with other children as well.
My first thought was, "Oh God, I've totally screwed up my kid!" I did and
do take it seriously but I'm not feeling the panic so much now. I don't want
to dismiss it as *just being tired* but I'll hold off on calling the
psychiatrist (lol).
My husband and son and I do have some things in common (hockey and fishing)
that she doesn't particularly care for. Like Kathleen mentioned, maybe I
need to make an extra effort to participate in her interests more to create
some balance. I am also thinking that we need to look at our family dynamics
more closely. Do we treat her differently than her brother? Do we "baby" her
to the point that she feels she is not capable? Does she feel empowered in
her world? Maybe do some talking when she's not having a meltdown and in the
heat of the moment.
Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26679&stime=1155129580&nc1=3848631&nc2=3848546&nc3=3848581>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm not qualified enough, good enough, stable enough emotionally
to handle it, etc....-=-
If you can afford it, it might be a good investment to go to a few
counseling sessions with someone who can coach you about
codependencey and help you with some tricks for dealing with those
patterns. It's cheaper to buy some tools in advance and do the job
right than to let it go and let it go and let it go until you need
LOTS of counseling (family counseling). You can't repair the past,
but you can work on fortifying the future.
If you can't afford that, maybe read some books on codependency.
It's common, and can be crippling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to handle it, etc....-=-
If you can afford it, it might be a good investment to go to a few
counseling sessions with someone who can coach you about
codependencey and help you with some tricks for dealing with those
patterns. It's cheaper to buy some tools in advance and do the job
right than to let it go and let it go and let it go until you need
LOTS of counseling (family counseling). You can't repair the past,
but you can work on fortifying the future.
If you can't afford that, maybe read some books on codependency.
It's common, and can be crippling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa McMahon-Lowe
girl, I've been where you are... and I still deal with the extended family
stuff sometimes. you need to be confident in your decision so no matter
what anyone else says you'll know it's what's right for you and your
daughter.
I've been reading Covey's book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" as of
late... and it has really been helping me to stand up straight and really
have confidence in myself and in my choices. Maybe it would help you... it
s definitely along the lines of unschooling philosophy of living by
principles...
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
-------Original Message-------
From: Jennifer Long
Date: 08/08/06 20:35:38
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] frustrated
Hi everyone,
My extended family is really getting me down about homeschooling my 7
year old daughter Courtney. My mom tnoight was on the phone with my aunt and
I whispered to her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She
waved her hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that
tonight." So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me
like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before that
made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. Hello? Why dont these
people take me seriously and what on earth do I tell family members when
they confront me?
Jen L
Cranston, RI
---------------------------------
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starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
stuff sometimes. you need to be confident in your decision so no matter
what anyone else says you'll know it's what's right for you and your
daughter.
I've been reading Covey's book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" as of
late... and it has really been helping me to stand up straight and really
have confidence in myself and in my choices. Maybe it would help you... it
s definitely along the lines of unschooling philosophy of living by
principles...
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
-------Original Message-------
From: Jennifer Long
Date: 08/08/06 20:35:38
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] frustrated
Hi everyone,
My extended family is really getting me down about homeschooling my 7
year old daughter Courtney. My mom tnoight was on the phone with my aunt and
I whispered to her to tell my aunt that I'm going to be homeschooling. She
waved her hand at me and said "Not now. I dont want to get all into that
tonight." So I felt a little bad about that. And everyone seems to treat me
like this is some phase I'm going thru. I've gone thru phases before that
made NO sense but I've sent in my letter of intent. Hello? Why dont these
people take me seriously and what on earth do I tell family members when
they confront me?
Jen L
Cranston, RI
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates
starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jennifer Long
Sandra,
TELL me about it! lol I feel like a leech with people sometimes. I ask over and over again if I'm doing something right, if I should take this job or make this decision, UGH
I had my first child when I was 19, got married, and had Courtney and my mom helped with EVERYTHING. Helped me make decisions, what to dress the baby in, when to stop breastfeeding, etc.... So now I'm 27, and totally dependent on people. yuck:-( This is terrible, but I honestly care more about what my mom thinks about things than my own husband. Defenitly need to see someone huh?! lol
I agree!
Jen L
Cranston, RI
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
-=-I'm not qualified enough, good enough, stable enough emotionally
to handle it, etc....-=-
If you can afford it, it might be a good investment to go to a few
counseling sessions with someone who can coach you about
codependencey and help you with some tricks for dealing with those
patterns. It's cheaper to buy some tools in advance and do the job
right than to let it go and let it go and let it go until you need
LOTS of counseling (family counseling). You can't repair the past,
but you can work on fortifying the future.
If you can't afford that, maybe read some books on codependency.
It's common, and can be crippling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
TELL me about it! lol I feel like a leech with people sometimes. I ask over and over again if I'm doing something right, if I should take this job or make this decision, UGH
I had my first child when I was 19, got married, and had Courtney and my mom helped with EVERYTHING. Helped me make decisions, what to dress the baby in, when to stop breastfeeding, etc.... So now I'm 27, and totally dependent on people. yuck:-( This is terrible, but I honestly care more about what my mom thinks about things than my own husband. Defenitly need to see someone huh?! lol
I agree!
Jen L
Cranston, RI
Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
-=-I'm not qualified enough, good enough, stable enough emotionally
to handle it, etc....-=-
If you can afford it, it might be a good investment to go to a few
counseling sessions with someone who can coach you about
codependencey and help you with some tricks for dealing with those
patterns. It's cheaper to buy some tools in advance and do the job
right than to let it go and let it go and let it go until you need
LOTS of counseling (family counseling). You can't repair the past,
but you can work on fortifying the future.
If you can't afford that, maybe read some books on codependency.
It's common, and can be crippling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-am also thinking that we need to look at our family dynamics
more closely. Do we treat her differently than her brother? -=-
I hope so. It's cool when each child feels she's being treated
specially, and best. If you try to "treat them the same," you end up
treating one like the other. That's less "fair" and generous than if
you treat each the way he or she would most like to be treated.
-=-My husband and son and I do have some things in common (hockey and
fishing)
that she doesn't particularly care for.-=-
Long ago, before I had kids, a child psychologist or family counselor
of some sort was on Phil Donahue and he said a thing that I always
remembered. He said the worst combination for a family was when both
parents were extroverts and they had an introverted child, or both
introverts had an extrovert. He said much family counseling was just
that--the parents thought there was something wrong with the child
because he wasn't like them.
There have been lots of kids "treated" and labeled for being "too
shy," and we all know kids are drugged down if they're too outgoing,
too talkative, too excited about the world around them.
If it's a fundamental difference in the way she likes to interact
with the world, maybe you could look for clubs or classes or
something where she might meet people who are more like her, have her
interests. If she doesn't like hockey and fishing (they sound
painful to me; I've fished impatiently with my parents,and I've
watched Marty play hockey, wishing I were far away from cold and
danger and noise), maybe she would like an American Girls club (those
novels and dolls) or a quiet kind of dance class, or knitting or
painting or piano. Maybe you could find her some one-on-one
teachers for some things she likes so she could try some things that
aren't what the other family members are into. Even if she doesn't
keep any of them for a long time, even if it's just a few lessons,
just one session, just one season, she will have other things in her
head, other knowledge to hook new things onto.
-=-Maybe do some talking when she's not having a meltdown and in the
heat of the moment.-=-
Maybe. But if she recovers from the frustration and you bring it
back up that might not be very fun. Maybe you could offer to talk
about it in such a way that she could really opt out or accept, and
not feel obligated. Maybe while you're in the car or working a
puzzle, or doing something else in addition to talking. http://
sandradodd.com/truck
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
more closely. Do we treat her differently than her brother? -=-
I hope so. It's cool when each child feels she's being treated
specially, and best. If you try to "treat them the same," you end up
treating one like the other. That's less "fair" and generous than if
you treat each the way he or she would most like to be treated.
-=-My husband and son and I do have some things in common (hockey and
fishing)
that she doesn't particularly care for.-=-
Long ago, before I had kids, a child psychologist or family counselor
of some sort was on Phil Donahue and he said a thing that I always
remembered. He said the worst combination for a family was when both
parents were extroverts and they had an introverted child, or both
introverts had an extrovert. He said much family counseling was just
that--the parents thought there was something wrong with the child
because he wasn't like them.
There have been lots of kids "treated" and labeled for being "too
shy," and we all know kids are drugged down if they're too outgoing,
too talkative, too excited about the world around them.
If it's a fundamental difference in the way she likes to interact
with the world, maybe you could look for clubs or classes or
something where she might meet people who are more like her, have her
interests. If she doesn't like hockey and fishing (they sound
painful to me; I've fished impatiently with my parents,and I've
watched Marty play hockey, wishing I were far away from cold and
danger and noise), maybe she would like an American Girls club (those
novels and dolls) or a quiet kind of dance class, or knitting or
painting or piano. Maybe you could find her some one-on-one
teachers for some things she likes so she could try some things that
aren't what the other family members are into. Even if she doesn't
keep any of them for a long time, even if it's just a few lessons,
just one session, just one season, she will have other things in her
head, other knowledge to hook new things onto.
-=-Maybe do some talking when she's not having a meltdown and in the
heat of the moment.-=-
Maybe. But if she recovers from the frustration and you bring it
back up that might not be very fun. Maybe you could offer to talk
about it in such a way that she could really opt out or accept, and
not feel obligated. Maybe while you're in the car or working a
puzzle, or doing something else in addition to talking. http://
sandradodd.com/truck
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Helped me make decisions, what to dress the baby in, when to stop
breastfeeding, etc.... So now I'm 27, and totally dependent on
people. yuck:-(-=-
Bummer she helped you stop breastfeeding. Seriously, if you look at
your child and what SHE wants first and foremost, you will, in that
instant, be a better mother. And if you really KNOW that you're
doing the best you can as a mom, that will strenghten the
relationship between you and your daughter. Help her learn to make
decisions considering all kinds of factors, not just what will make
you-the-mom happy. Helping her be ways that you weren't when you
were younger (and aren't now) would be healing for you too, I think.
You could see it's possible.
Help her be the way you would like to be, and would like to have
been. That's part of what the "healing the inner child" work is.
Comfort the insides of you by creating a safe, strong life for her.
-=-This is terrible, but I honestly care more about what my mom
thinks about things than my own husband. Defenitly need to see
someone huh?! lol -=-
Maybe someone a thousand miles away. If you can't figure out how to
detach from your mom (politely but firmly, and your mom might not
mind!) maybe you'll do better to move far away. You moved your mom
practically in with you and so you might feel obligated for a while.
I hope you don't feel stuck or trapped.
Maybe instead of trying to change lots of things, just focus on your
relationship with your daughter. If you get more confident there,
you can expand that slowly into other areas of your life.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
breastfeeding, etc.... So now I'm 27, and totally dependent on
people. yuck:-(-=-
Bummer she helped you stop breastfeeding. Seriously, if you look at
your child and what SHE wants first and foremost, you will, in that
instant, be a better mother. And if you really KNOW that you're
doing the best you can as a mom, that will strenghten the
relationship between you and your daughter. Help her learn to make
decisions considering all kinds of factors, not just what will make
you-the-mom happy. Helping her be ways that you weren't when you
were younger (and aren't now) would be healing for you too, I think.
You could see it's possible.
Help her be the way you would like to be, and would like to have
been. That's part of what the "healing the inner child" work is.
Comfort the insides of you by creating a safe, strong life for her.
-=-This is terrible, but I honestly care more about what my mom
thinks about things than my own husband. Defenitly need to see
someone huh?! lol -=-
Maybe someone a thousand miles away. If you can't figure out how to
detach from your mom (politely but firmly, and your mom might not
mind!) maybe you'll do better to move far away. You moved your mom
practically in with you and so you might feel obligated for a while.
I hope you don't feel stuck or trapped.
Maybe instead of trying to change lots of things, just focus on your
relationship with your daughter. If you get more confident there,
you can expand that slowly into other areas of your life.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa McMahon-Lowe
~~and so you might feel obligated for a while~~
She might FEEL obligated but it doesn't mean that she is.
~~If you can't figure out how to
detach from your mom (politely but firmly, and your mom might not
mind!) maybe you'll do better to move far away~~
There are so many times when I would love to up and move far far away from
my mom... but running away usually doesn't help. You can take this time to
start working on yourself... healing and growing and really having
confidence in the unique person that you are.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
She might FEEL obligated but it doesn't mean that she is.
~~If you can't figure out how to
detach from your mom (politely but firmly, and your mom might not
mind!) maybe you'll do better to move far away~~
There are so many times when I would love to up and move far far away from
my mom... but running away usually doesn't help. You can take this time to
start working on yourself... healing and growing and really having
confidence in the unique person that you are.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
I hope so. It's cool when each child feels she's being treated
specially, and best. If you try to "treat them the same," you end up
treating one like the other. That's less "fair" and generous than if
you treat each the way he or she would most like to be treated.
---See? There you go. That's something I never thought of.
Long ago, before I had kids, a child psychologist or family counselor
of some sort was on Phil Donahue and he said a thing that I always
remembered. He said the worst combination for a family was when both
parents were extroverts and they had an introverted child, or both
introverts had an extrovert. He said much family counseling was just
that--the parents thought there was something wrong with the child
because he wasn't like them.
---She is defiantly an extrovert-"My little Fairy". Dh, ds, and I are all
introverts.
If it's a fundamental difference in the way she likes to interact
with the world, maybe you could look for clubs or classes or
something where she might meet people who are more like her, have her
interests.
We recently found a Homeschool group that we all like. It's a very new group
and the owner has some great ideas and seems very committed. We will be
meeting once a week to do various things starting next month. I think that
will help her a lot. I think the large range of different activities will
help her find some new interests.
Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26685&stime=1155133485&nc1=3848515&nc2=3848646&nc3=3848655>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
specially, and best. If you try to "treat them the same," you end up
treating one like the other. That's less "fair" and generous than if
you treat each the way he or she would most like to be treated.
---See? There you go. That's something I never thought of.
Long ago, before I had kids, a child psychologist or family counselor
of some sort was on Phil Donahue and he said a thing that I always
remembered. He said the worst combination for a family was when both
parents were extroverts and they had an introverted child, or both
introverts had an extrovert. He said much family counseling was just
that--the parents thought there was something wrong with the child
because he wasn't like them.
---She is defiantly an extrovert-"My little Fairy". Dh, ds, and I are all
introverts.
If it's a fundamental difference in the way she likes to interact
with the world, maybe you could look for clubs or classes or
something where she might meet people who are more like her, have her
interests.
We recently found a Homeschool group that we all like. It's a very new group
and the owner has some great ideas and seems very committed. We will be
meeting once a week to do various things starting next month. I think that
will help her a lot. I think the large range of different activities will
help her find some new interests.
Dawn
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714&grpId=4410250&grpspId=1600542111&msgId
=26685&stime=1155133485&nc1=3848515&nc2=3848646&nc3=3848655>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-We recently found a Homeschool group that we all like. It's a very
new group
and the owner has some great ideas and seems very committed. We will be
meeting once a week to do various things starting next month. I think
that
will help her a lot. I think the large range of different activities
will
help her find some new interests.-=-
Maybe invite another kid over sometimes (doesn't have to be a girl,
doesn't have to be her age) or take one or two of them with you on an
outing (zoo, museum, lunch, whatever). That will give her others to
interact with, if you invite them over a few times they might invite
her over, and she might develop a social life that involves you only
as a driver. <g>
It might make a big, good difference to her.
We were that other family for some only children, and for on middle-
of-many, quieter than the rest of his family, who squatted in Kirby's
room like a ghost for most of two years. I got grumpy and wanted to
chase him off once, but Kirby defended him and said he LIKED having
him there more than being alone. So he was helping Kirby have
someone outside the family too. Things changed at his house and he
want back, about the time he got a job, and we don't see him much
anymore, but when he needed us we were here.
Someday, with stories to come home with to tell you she might feel a
whole new relationship to the rest of you at home.
Don't tell her all that, though, because you can't guarantee it will
happen. The first steps, though, would be to get other people into
your house for her to hang out with.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
new group
and the owner has some great ideas and seems very committed. We will be
meeting once a week to do various things starting next month. I think
that
will help her a lot. I think the large range of different activities
will
help her find some new interests.-=-
Maybe invite another kid over sometimes (doesn't have to be a girl,
doesn't have to be her age) or take one or two of them with you on an
outing (zoo, museum, lunch, whatever). That will give her others to
interact with, if you invite them over a few times they might invite
her over, and she might develop a social life that involves you only
as a driver. <g>
It might make a big, good difference to her.
We were that other family for some only children, and for on middle-
of-many, quieter than the rest of his family, who squatted in Kirby's
room like a ghost for most of two years. I got grumpy and wanted to
chase him off once, but Kirby defended him and said he LIKED having
him there more than being alone. So he was helping Kirby have
someone outside the family too. Things changed at his house and he
want back, about the time he got a job, and we don't see him much
anymore, but when he needed us we were here.
Someday, with stories to come home with to tell you she might feel a
whole new relationship to the rest of you at home.
Don't tell her all that, though, because you can't guarantee it will
happen. The first steps, though, would be to get other people into
your house for her to hang out with.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-~~and so you might feel obligated for a while~~
She might FEEL obligated but it doesn't mean that she is. -=-
If my mom divorced at my request and came to live next to me, I would
BE obligated. I could decide not to fulfill that obligation and
suffer the resultant damage to my own reputation and realiability and
sense of goodness, but the concept of obligation is an indebtedness.
She owes her mom to fulfill whatever deal or offer was made before
the divorce. I hope it wasn't "And we will live next to you for the
rest of our lives and do whatever you say." I doubt it. But I also
doubt it was "Leave him and we'll help you for a year or so and then
be gone."
Am I obligated to stay with my husband? He doesn't control my
obligations, I do. I did swear in front of a bunch of people that I
would stay. I can choose to remember that and honor it, or I can
choose to picture them all and think... "NAH." None of them would
wish me to stay in a dangerous or miserable situation, but it's not
dangerous or miserable at all!
The story as presented here was not "My mom and aunt come and tell me
what to do," it was "I tell them, I ask them, and I care what they
say." (Quotes are voices of summary versions not the actual words
posted.)
I have an obligation to be good to my kids. I've told all of you
people I intend to and I'm trying to, and I believe I should,and so I
am obliged to live up to what I've stated in public to be my
principles. It's an obligation I chose.
When I was a kid, my granny's phrase for "thank you" was "Much
obliged." It makes more sense than "thank you" which is short for
longer phrases and sentiments most people have never thought about.
"Much obliged" means "I owe you one," only it doesn't limit to
"one." It's like the pretty phrase "I am in your debt" which was
used lots 500 years ago and means what "Yours sincerely" used to mean
before it was shortened and forgotten (like "thank you").
There are legal obligations (like repaying loans one has signed for),
but there are lighter social obligations that are easy to break.
Just because it's possible and easy doesn't make it right or good,
though.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
She might FEEL obligated but it doesn't mean that she is. -=-
If my mom divorced at my request and came to live next to me, I would
BE obligated. I could decide not to fulfill that obligation and
suffer the resultant damage to my own reputation and realiability and
sense of goodness, but the concept of obligation is an indebtedness.
She owes her mom to fulfill whatever deal or offer was made before
the divorce. I hope it wasn't "And we will live next to you for the
rest of our lives and do whatever you say." I doubt it. But I also
doubt it was "Leave him and we'll help you for a year or so and then
be gone."
Am I obligated to stay with my husband? He doesn't control my
obligations, I do. I did swear in front of a bunch of people that I
would stay. I can choose to remember that and honor it, or I can
choose to picture them all and think... "NAH." None of them would
wish me to stay in a dangerous or miserable situation, but it's not
dangerous or miserable at all!
The story as presented here was not "My mom and aunt come and tell me
what to do," it was "I tell them, I ask them, and I care what they
say." (Quotes are voices of summary versions not the actual words
posted.)
I have an obligation to be good to my kids. I've told all of you
people I intend to and I'm trying to, and I believe I should,and so I
am obliged to live up to what I've stated in public to be my
principles. It's an obligation I chose.
When I was a kid, my granny's phrase for "thank you" was "Much
obliged." It makes more sense than "thank you" which is short for
longer phrases and sentiments most people have never thought about.
"Much obliged" means "I owe you one," only it doesn't limit to
"one." It's like the pretty phrase "I am in your debt" which was
used lots 500 years ago and means what "Yours sincerely" used to mean
before it was shortened and forgotten (like "thank you").
There are legal obligations (like repaying loans one has signed for),
but there are lighter social obligations that are easy to break.
Just because it's possible and easy doesn't make it right or good,
though.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
"There are so many times when I would love to up and move far far away
from my mom... but running away usually doesn't help. "
Yes it does.
I can tell you story after story of people that needed physical
distance from family and found GREAT healing in that. Physical space
is VERY important when one needs to heal childhood issues and find a
space to be an independent adult.
I know that moving away from my family at 18 was hard, but when I
heard from my sisters about some of the issues they dealt with, I was
SO glad for that space. It changes your relationship with parents and
grandparents. If they've been meddlesome or controlling, it gives you
a HUGELY different space that forces them to back off.
It helps in a million ways. I can't advocate moving away enough...only
for those that are needing to heal past issues or force a change in
the relationship of course. If you have a healthy, close relationship,
then that's a different story.
I turned a very tumultuous relationship with my mother into a very
close and loving relationship (we both did) and space between us at
the beginning was very useful. I never had a dysfunctional or
codependent relationship with her, yet the distance was still useful
in healing childhood crap. I think in a co-dependency situation it
could be the best thing you do for your marriage and relationship with
the children.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
from my mom... but running away usually doesn't help. "
Yes it does.
I can tell you story after story of people that needed physical
distance from family and found GREAT healing in that. Physical space
is VERY important when one needs to heal childhood issues and find a
space to be an independent adult.
I know that moving away from my family at 18 was hard, but when I
heard from my sisters about some of the issues they dealt with, I was
SO glad for that space. It changes your relationship with parents and
grandparents. If they've been meddlesome or controlling, it gives you
a HUGELY different space that forces them to back off.
It helps in a million ways. I can't advocate moving away enough...only
for those that are needing to heal past issues or force a change in
the relationship of course. If you have a healthy, close relationship,
then that's a different story.
I turned a very tumultuous relationship with my mother into a very
close and loving relationship (we both did) and space between us at
the beginning was very useful. I never had a dysfunctional or
codependent relationship with her, yet the distance was still useful
in healing childhood crap. I think in a co-dependency situation it
could be the best thing you do for your marriage and relationship with
the children.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com