Re:Julie S.
bridgetvic1964
I agree that alot of the stuff that happens after 11' happens before
11' as well,although the city does become somewhat more darker place
as the night progresses(speaking from lots of experience).It is not so
much that I feel a need to set a specific time per se but am trying
more to understand when the true dynamics of this kind of freedom set
in.Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?
If I understand correctly knowing who they are with and where they are
going is key?What if you disapprove of who they are with or where they
are going?What then?
11' as well,although the city does become somewhat more darker place
as the night progresses(speaking from lots of experience).It is not so
much that I feel a need to set a specific time per se but am trying
more to understand when the true dynamics of this kind of freedom set
in.Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?
If I understand correctly knowing who they are with and where they are
going is key?What if you disapprove of who they are with or where they
are going?What then?
Sandra Dodd
On Apr 28, 2006, at 8:17 AM, bridgetvic1964 wrote:
be out late for anime meetings (which met after the shop closed at
midnight), role-playing games or CCG sessions, or movies. Sometimes
they would go eat afterwards.
Sandra
> Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?Kirby used to come home after whatever he was doing was over. He'd
be out late for anime meetings (which met after the shop closed at
midnight), role-playing games or CCG sessions, or movies. Sometimes
they would go eat afterwards.
Sandra
Pamela Sorooshian
On Apr 28, 2006, at 7:17 AM, bridgetvic1964 wrote:
I wouldn't replace curfews with "You must tell me where you are and
where you're going and who you're with!"
That's not how it works.
Our entire relationship is so NOT adversarial, so not based on
control or power, that it is hard to even relate how it does work.
I have never told me kids that they have to tell me where they are or
who they're with. But they do. And I ask them without even thinking
of it as And they tell me if they're going to be late (Roxana,
especially, is often out very late.)
I guess my answer, to someone with very young children, is to not
even think about it now - just build relationships based on mutual
respect and trust and assumptions that the kids want to be in loving
relationships with their family. What your teenagers will be like is
a direct result of how you behave when they are young.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?Good questions.
> If I understand correctly knowing who they are with and where they are
> going is key?What if you disapprove of who they are with or where they
> are going?What then?
I wouldn't replace curfews with "You must tell me where you are and
where you're going and who you're with!"
That's not how it works.
Our entire relationship is so NOT adversarial, so not based on
control or power, that it is hard to even relate how it does work.
I have never told me kids that they have to tell me where they are or
who they're with. But they do. And I ask them without even thinking
of it as And they tell me if they're going to be late (Roxana,
especially, is often out very late.)
I guess my answer, to someone with very young children, is to not
even think about it now - just build relationships based on mutual
respect and trust and assumptions that the kids want to be in loving
relationships with their family. What your teenagers will be like is
a direct result of how you behave when they are young.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
<<knowing who they are with and where they are going is key...>>
Not necessarily. What I think is key is looking at your concerns from
a reality based perspective which may vary from child to child and from
setting to setting. Then talking to your kids just like you would a
friend and trying to find a way that you can all be happy.
My 15yo comes and goes as she pleases. She is extremely responsible
and while some of the stuff she does isn't stuff that I would choose to
do, she makes carefully thought out decisions.
My 12yo is someone that I keep closer tabs on. I don't tell him when
to come home but he is MUCH more likely to make impulsive decisions
that everyone involved regrets later. He functions much more
responsibly when hanging out with "straight arrow" kinds of kids. I
dont' forbid him to hang out with questionable kids usually (although I
did finally put the kabash on a neighborhood kid that kept our entire
family upset and fighting due to issues of appropriate behavior on the
father's part). But I do find myself going farther out of my way to
get him and the "straight arrow" kids together when they ask. I check
in with him more, I call him to see if he wants me to drop off a pizza,
etc..
I try hard to remember that I did a bunch of stupid stuff that could
have really gotten me hurt as a teen and much of it was before 11am,
forget 11pm.
Julie S.
Not necessarily. What I think is key is looking at your concerns from
a reality based perspective which may vary from child to child and from
setting to setting. Then talking to your kids just like you would a
friend and trying to find a way that you can all be happy.
My 15yo comes and goes as she pleases. She is extremely responsible
and while some of the stuff she does isn't stuff that I would choose to
do, she makes carefully thought out decisions.
My 12yo is someone that I keep closer tabs on. I don't tell him when
to come home but he is MUCH more likely to make impulsive decisions
that everyone involved regrets later. He functions much more
responsibly when hanging out with "straight arrow" kinds of kids. I
dont' forbid him to hang out with questionable kids usually (although I
did finally put the kabash on a neighborhood kid that kept our entire
family upset and fighting due to issues of appropriate behavior on the
father's part). But I do find myself going farther out of my way to
get him and the "straight arrow" kids together when they ask. I check
in with him more, I call him to see if he wants me to drop off a pizza,
etc..
I try hard to remember that I did a bunch of stupid stuff that could
have really gotten me hurt as a teen and much of it was before 11am,
forget 11pm.
Julie S.
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: bridgetvic1964 <razemfamily@...>
Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?
If I understand correctly knowing who they are with and where they are
going is key?What if you disapprove of who they are with or where they
are going?What then?
--===-=-=-=-
First off, do you *have* a 13 year old who is out and about after
11:00??? Is s/he out with people you don't approve of? In places you
don't approve of? Why?
To me it's the whole package. I can't imagine my 13 year old wanting
to be out that late---and where would he be?
Yes, it would matter where he was and whom he was with---but also
*why* he would want/need to be out that late.
I'm thinking back to when Cameron was 13. he had no reason to be out
that late---nor anyway to get there or get back home. Unless I was the
chauffeur (and then I'd know where and when and who). It simply wasn't
an issue.
It became an issue at 16 when he had a car and a license that allowed
him out past dark. But not an ISSUE issue. We always knew where he was
and with whom. He has a cell phone. And he's not afraid to tell us
where he is/what he's doing.
If I were to "disapprove"---well, I'd tell him. We'd talk. We'd try to
find a better way for him to get what he's looking for. But with an
open and trusting relationship, this hasn't been a problem.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
“Learn as if you were going to live forever.
Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
From: bridgetvic1964 <razemfamily@...>
Is it o.k. to let your 13 yr old decide when they should come home?
If I understand correctly knowing who they are with and where they are
going is key?What if you disapprove of who they are with or where they
are going?What then?
--===-=-=-=-
First off, do you *have* a 13 year old who is out and about after
11:00??? Is s/he out with people you don't approve of? In places you
don't approve of? Why?
To me it's the whole package. I can't imagine my 13 year old wanting
to be out that late---and where would he be?
Yes, it would matter where he was and whom he was with---but also
*why* he would want/need to be out that late.
I'm thinking back to when Cameron was 13. he had no reason to be out
that late---nor anyway to get there or get back home. Unless I was the
chauffeur (and then I'd know where and when and who). It simply wasn't
an issue.
It became an issue at 16 when he had a car and a license that allowed
him out past dark. But not an ISSUE issue. We always knew where he was
and with whom. He has a cell phone. And he's not afraid to tell us
where he is/what he's doing.
If I were to "disapprove"---well, I'd tell him. We'd talk. We'd try to
find a better way for him to get what he's looking for. But with an
open and trusting relationship, this hasn't been a problem.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
“Learn as if you were going to live forever.
Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi