step families
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In a message dated 1/11/02 10:27:26 PM, nielsonc@... writes:
<<
I'd subscribed to a step parents list but most of the people there are
what I would consider cruel, tough love, that kind of thing. >>
That guy with the "mostly say no" list was quoted on a stepparenting site.
We had people staying here last night, and the potential-stepmom-to-be said
some pretty cold things about the seven year old. Their ONLY choice to
make that better is for the new female to spend lots of one-on-one time with
her, and for her to accept without resentment lots of one-on-one time with
her dad. Otherwise, the situation will always be that a stranger took her
dad away. There's no other position for the child if the parents bond
together and say "We are a unit you will have to deal with." Especially for
a little kid. But even for a seventeen year old, and I speak from
experience. My fourteen year old sister was put under the totally-foreign
authority of someone who wanted her to wear pink pantsuits (she didn't) and
tie her frizzy hair back before coming into the house (she did, so she could
eat and sleep and see her own father). I was already at college, so the
affect on me was that I had no good place to go on the weekends or holidays
anymore. My mom was usually at the bar, and my dad was working and the
stepmother (who had effected the sale of the house I was supposed to have
inherited without it even being discussed with me) was there, knowing little
to nothing about me and caring less.
If a child WANTS time with the newer family member that's an incredible
opportunity that shouldn't be passed up. She's not trying to separate the
couple as much as be recognized as a whole member of the family.
Yesterday I was told that the grandaughter of a good (former teacher) friend
of mine asked her stepdad to adopt her. She's in her early 20's. He offered
before, but she said no, hoping against hope that her dad would perk up and
pay attention to her. And she DID have a dad, and she DID have his name, but
in retrospect, on a trip out of the country, she realized that the stepdad
was pretty great to her, and the real dad was not. So she's changing her
name, as an adult, to her stepdad's name.
Whether any of that ore is helpful, I don't know, but maybe you found a
nugget of something.
Sandra
<<
I'd subscribed to a step parents list but most of the people there are
what I would consider cruel, tough love, that kind of thing. >>
That guy with the "mostly say no" list was quoted on a stepparenting site.
We had people staying here last night, and the potential-stepmom-to-be said
some pretty cold things about the seven year old. Their ONLY choice to
make that better is for the new female to spend lots of one-on-one time with
her, and for her to accept without resentment lots of one-on-one time with
her dad. Otherwise, the situation will always be that a stranger took her
dad away. There's no other position for the child if the parents bond
together and say "We are a unit you will have to deal with." Especially for
a little kid. But even for a seventeen year old, and I speak from
experience. My fourteen year old sister was put under the totally-foreign
authority of someone who wanted her to wear pink pantsuits (she didn't) and
tie her frizzy hair back before coming into the house (she did, so she could
eat and sleep and see her own father). I was already at college, so the
affect on me was that I had no good place to go on the weekends or holidays
anymore. My mom was usually at the bar, and my dad was working and the
stepmother (who had effected the sale of the house I was supposed to have
inherited without it even being discussed with me) was there, knowing little
to nothing about me and caring less.
If a child WANTS time with the newer family member that's an incredible
opportunity that shouldn't be passed up. She's not trying to separate the
couple as much as be recognized as a whole member of the family.
Yesterday I was told that the grandaughter of a good (former teacher) friend
of mine asked her stepdad to adopt her. She's in her early 20's. He offered
before, but she said no, hoping against hope that her dad would perk up and
pay attention to her. And she DID have a dad, and she DID have his name, but
in retrospect, on a trip out of the country, she realized that the stepdad
was pretty great to her, and the real dad was not. So she's changing her
name, as an adult, to her stepdad's name.
Whether any of that ore is helpful, I don't know, but maybe you found a
nugget of something.
Sandra