sibling rivalry
Maisha Khalfani
I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions (or books) on dealing with sibling rivalry? My 16 yr old stepdaughter was raised in the very "traditional" way by me and my husband. And she has always gone to school. Now here I am raising her 4 siblings in a different way. And while my sd and I have an excellent relationship (she calls me mom and considers me her mom more than her own mother) I know that she has some jealousy towards her siblings, especially her younger sister. First of all, her parents are divorced and don't get along at all, me and dh are married. Her siblings "get away with more" (from her perspective on how she was raised), and have more freedom. Admittedly my husband was (and still can be) very authoritarian so my sd grew up with the whole adult/child paradigm. I was a bit looser, and dh has loosened up as well. So I know that my sd feels like she got the sh*t end of the stick.
I was just thinking about all of this in light of the "it's too late" conversation. I do my best to keep an open relationship with my sd - we talk about everything. I know it hurts her that she sees her siblings doing things she would have never been allowed to do if it were up to her bio mom and dad. How can I help her with this, if at all? How do I help her to not harbor any resentment towards her younger siblings?
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was just thinking about all of this in light of the "it's too late" conversation. I do my best to keep an open relationship with my sd - we talk about everything. I know it hurts her that she sees her siblings doing things she would have never been allowed to do if it were up to her bio mom and dad. How can I help her with this, if at all? How do I help her to not harbor any resentment towards her younger siblings?
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 11, 2006, at 12:48 AM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380799006/
qid=1144743319/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-5649649-0528030?v=glance&s=books
Another good book about being with teens is:
Parent-Teen Breakthrough: The relationship approach by Mira Kirshenbaum
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0452266165/
qid=1144743811/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-5649649-0528030?v=glance&s=books
Maybe best of all, though, is just give her a place to voice her
frustrations and agree that it feels really unfair. And don't say
"But" afterwards! ;-) Just agree so she can feel heard.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions (or books) on dealingWhy yes! Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.
> with sibling rivalry?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380799006/
qid=1144743319/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-5649649-0528030?v=glance&s=books
Another good book about being with teens is:
Parent-Teen Breakthrough: The relationship approach by Mira Kirshenbaum
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0452266165/
qid=1144743811/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-5649649-0528030?v=glance&s=books
Maybe best of all, though, is just give her a place to voice her
frustrations and agree that it feels really unfair. And don't say
"But" afterwards! ;-) Just agree so she can feel heard.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Apr 10, 2006, at 10:48 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:
quiet restaurant on in the car on the road somewhere with pretty
views, or on a hike in a nice place far from any of the others or
something. Maybe you could tell her things like you wish you had
known when she was younger how different things could be, and you're
sorry her parents divorced and things didn't go better for her.
Maybe you could say you know it must be frustrating for her, but it
would be worse if you were harsher with the younger kids just to make
her feel better. Maybe that could be said humorously; depends how
the conversation was going.
Maybe you could talk about how the experiences she's had will help
her be a better mom, if she decides to have kids.
Tell her you really appreciate her help.
If you have experiences from your own childhood you could share as
things that made you jealous or sad, but that have stuck with you
into your mothering days, that might help give her some perspective,
too.
Sandra
> I know it hurts her that she sees her siblings doing things sheMaybe find some one-on-one time with her, away from the house, in a
> would have never been allowed to do if it were up to her bio mom
> and dad. How can I help her with this, if at all?
quiet restaurant on in the car on the road somewhere with pretty
views, or on a hike in a nice place far from any of the others or
something. Maybe you could tell her things like you wish you had
known when she was younger how different things could be, and you're
sorry her parents divorced and things didn't go better for her.
Maybe you could say you know it must be frustrating for her, but it
would be worse if you were harsher with the younger kids just to make
her feel better. Maybe that could be said humorously; depends how
the conversation was going.
Maybe you could talk about how the experiences she's had will help
her be a better mom, if she decides to have kids.
Tell her you really appreciate her help.
If you have experiences from your own childhood you could share as
things that made you jealous or sad, but that have stuck with you
into your mothering days, that might help give her some perspective,
too.
Sandra
VanessaL
I've been on the list for a few months and despite feeling the "term unschooling" fits what we do better than any others I've come across, I'm blown away pretty much on a daily basis by the wisdom shared here.
Anyway, now that I've blown some smoke up your skirts, please take it easy on me ;) j/k but really thank you all for your dedication to helping children. I know I'm already a better parent because of it.
So here goes:
I'm a stay at home mom to three and a half year old and 14 month old boys. For the first year my oldest was loving and caring towards his baby brother. Now the baby is a walking toddler and things have changed. The oldest has been taking toys away, treating him roughly, and acting down right mean to him sometimes. Of course the youngest is now much much more mobile and into things too. For the most part this isn't like him and sometimes it's done with such intent that I lose my cool reacting. I know I'm not helping the situation and even in the moment I often see that I should be connecting and showing him how much I love him too but it's such a trigger that I find myself getting angry and yelling.
I remember telling parents of autistic kids that I worked with in the past not to take things so personally. Now I'm a mom and I see it is so personal. And rightly so. I know that when we are able to connect life is different. But my youngest is such a busy kid. I'm on from the moment he opens his eyes. With my oldest it wasn't like that so it's been a challenge. My youngest requires a lot of physical attention. My oldest has always required a lot of emotional attention.
I know one part of the puzzle is that prior to kids I've always valued my own personal alone time and space. I have virually none now. Not even in the shower. And I am now suspecting I may have lyme's disease and have yet to make a much needed appointment for this or that reason. My youngest also is an inconsistent sleeper. Naps are not very long, if at all and night time is similar. So I am definitely not operating at the top of my game.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for an explanation of why my boys are fighting soooooo much (I was an only child), ideas of what I can be doing better, preventing, reacting, understanding? Figuring out the cause for my own reactions?
I don't know why it makes me flip out. My oldest doesn't take confrontation well. We did time out a few times when he was two and it was a complete joke on me. Finding alternatives to "punishment" is what led me here. We've had much more success with comfort and connection. It drives me nuts when I feel like he doesn't take me seriously though. I see him as malicious, yet I know this isn't how he feels. I've been using the words "I will not let you hit/take things from your brother. And I think it's a really powerful statement and it has been really key in using it for both in the more physical situations. I'll say it for things like "I will not let you pull V's hair" and my oldest automatically feels like I'm making the world right. However reversed I think my oldest feels like I'm making him an outsider. The biggest flip outs come when I say "stop." I often say it when I know he's about to do something to hurt his brother or when he already is engaged. Sometimes what he's doing is intentional. Other times it's accidental. Often he continues and it ends up making his brother cry. Then I yell something like "didn't you hear me say stop?" I know it absolutely is not helping. I don't know what else to say/do/feel. I feel so angry that he hurts his brother, I'm not able to always prevent it and that he actually is acting like an outsider. My oldest is a very sensitive, mostly calm, often compassionate, and mellow guy. He definitely enjoys playing darker roles (since toddler days) like being the scary dinosaur, tiger, batman, ect. He often resents being a kid and has often told me he wants to be a grown up. Even though he's allowed to do most things he gets a kick out of asking me if he can have this or that and hearing me say yes.
I know he needs me more. I'm having trouble giving him more. I feel like I'm failing him sometimes.
My husband is in the picture. He's a great dad, involved and supportive. He does travel and work a lot and needs a lot of down time himself. He was one of six and his response is that it's normal. But even if the fighing is "normal" I know my response is hurting my relationship with my child. And I really do have high hopes of them finding a best friend in each other. My husband is not very close to any of his siblings. Though is life was full of trauma. Mine was in a different way so I know that could be just one more piece?
Sorry it's so long winded. I'm just trying to do some brainstorming as I write. I did read Sandra's "sibling rivalry" link but I felt they are too little to apply most of those thoughts.
Thank you. Vanessa
Anyway, now that I've blown some smoke up your skirts, please take it easy on me ;) j/k but really thank you all for your dedication to helping children. I know I'm already a better parent because of it.
So here goes:
I'm a stay at home mom to three and a half year old and 14 month old boys. For the first year my oldest was loving and caring towards his baby brother. Now the baby is a walking toddler and things have changed. The oldest has been taking toys away, treating him roughly, and acting down right mean to him sometimes. Of course the youngest is now much much more mobile and into things too. For the most part this isn't like him and sometimes it's done with such intent that I lose my cool reacting. I know I'm not helping the situation and even in the moment I often see that I should be connecting and showing him how much I love him too but it's such a trigger that I find myself getting angry and yelling.
I remember telling parents of autistic kids that I worked with in the past not to take things so personally. Now I'm a mom and I see it is so personal. And rightly so. I know that when we are able to connect life is different. But my youngest is such a busy kid. I'm on from the moment he opens his eyes. With my oldest it wasn't like that so it's been a challenge. My youngest requires a lot of physical attention. My oldest has always required a lot of emotional attention.
I know one part of the puzzle is that prior to kids I've always valued my own personal alone time and space. I have virually none now. Not even in the shower. And I am now suspecting I may have lyme's disease and have yet to make a much needed appointment for this or that reason. My youngest also is an inconsistent sleeper. Naps are not very long, if at all and night time is similar. So I am definitely not operating at the top of my game.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for an explanation of why my boys are fighting soooooo much (I was an only child), ideas of what I can be doing better, preventing, reacting, understanding? Figuring out the cause for my own reactions?
I don't know why it makes me flip out. My oldest doesn't take confrontation well. We did time out a few times when he was two and it was a complete joke on me. Finding alternatives to "punishment" is what led me here. We've had much more success with comfort and connection. It drives me nuts when I feel like he doesn't take me seriously though. I see him as malicious, yet I know this isn't how he feels. I've been using the words "I will not let you hit/take things from your brother. And I think it's a really powerful statement and it has been really key in using it for both in the more physical situations. I'll say it for things like "I will not let you pull V's hair" and my oldest automatically feels like I'm making the world right. However reversed I think my oldest feels like I'm making him an outsider. The biggest flip outs come when I say "stop." I often say it when I know he's about to do something to hurt his brother or when he already is engaged. Sometimes what he's doing is intentional. Other times it's accidental. Often he continues and it ends up making his brother cry. Then I yell something like "didn't you hear me say stop?" I know it absolutely is not helping. I don't know what else to say/do/feel. I feel so angry that he hurts his brother, I'm not able to always prevent it and that he actually is acting like an outsider. My oldest is a very sensitive, mostly calm, often compassionate, and mellow guy. He definitely enjoys playing darker roles (since toddler days) like being the scary dinosaur, tiger, batman, ect. He often resents being a kid and has often told me he wants to be a grown up. Even though he's allowed to do most things he gets a kick out of asking me if he can have this or that and hearing me say yes.
I know he needs me more. I'm having trouble giving him more. I feel like I'm failing him sometimes.
My husband is in the picture. He's a great dad, involved and supportive. He does travel and work a lot and needs a lot of down time himself. He was one of six and his response is that it's normal. But even if the fighing is "normal" I know my response is hurting my relationship with my child. And I really do have high hopes of them finding a best friend in each other. My husband is not very close to any of his siblings. Though is life was full of trauma. Mine was in a different way so I know that could be just one more piece?
Sorry it's so long winded. I'm just trying to do some brainstorming as I write. I did read Sandra's "sibling rivalry" link but I felt they are too little to apply most of those thoughts.
Thank you. Vanessa
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm not sure if I'm looking for an explanation of why my boys are fighting soooooo much (I was an only child), ideas of what I can be doing better, preventing, reacting, understanding? Figuring out the cause for my own reactions?-=-
I was a first child, which means I was an ONLY child until that ratty screaming little sister came. I still remember the feelings, and they were strong, about how she stole my place, my attention, my being the baby.
Sympathy for older children is good, I think.
My husband was third of three, so his point of view is pro-younger. :-)
It was helpful that we could balance those two, with our three kids.
If you seem to side with the younger child against the older, that's a problem in several different ways.
-=-I've been using the words "I will not let you hit/take things from your brother. And I think it's a really powerful statement and it has been really key in using it for both in the more physical situations. I'll say it for things like "I will not let you pull V's hair" and my oldest automatically feels like I'm making the world right. However reversed I think my oldest feels like I'm making him an outsider. -=-
I think that's you saying that if you weren't there, it would be okay for him to hit or take things from his brother.
What I said in such situations was "Marty needs to be safe in his own home." That applied whether I was there or not, and also applied to Kirby. He also needed to be safe in his own home. Sometimes I would say "It's a big house." That was shorthand for the reminder that they could find something else to do somewhere else and not need to compete for or fight over the same thing in the same place. Or that they should each have some space and privacy, and so the one denying the other one "elbow room" was the aggressor. I didn't say all that, though.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was a first child, which means I was an ONLY child until that ratty screaming little sister came. I still remember the feelings, and they were strong, about how she stole my place, my attention, my being the baby.
Sympathy for older children is good, I think.
My husband was third of three, so his point of view is pro-younger. :-)
It was helpful that we could balance those two, with our three kids.
If you seem to side with the younger child against the older, that's a problem in several different ways.
-=-I've been using the words "I will not let you hit/take things from your brother. And I think it's a really powerful statement and it has been really key in using it for both in the more physical situations. I'll say it for things like "I will not let you pull V's hair" and my oldest automatically feels like I'm making the world right. However reversed I think my oldest feels like I'm making him an outsider. -=-
I think that's you saying that if you weren't there, it would be okay for him to hit or take things from his brother.
What I said in such situations was "Marty needs to be safe in his own home." That applied whether I was there or not, and also applied to Kirby. He also needed to be safe in his own home. Sometimes I would say "It's a big house." That was shorthand for the reminder that they could find something else to do somewhere else and not need to compete for or fight over the same thing in the same place. Or that they should each have some space and privacy, and so the one denying the other one "elbow room" was the aggressor. I didn't say all that, though.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marina DeLuca-Howard
One of the best analogies I've heard with respect to
siblings...imagine your partner comes home randomly with a new spouse.
She's younger and "cuter" and he tolerates all sorts of crying and
demands from her that he does not from you. As an adult how would you
feel about the "second wife"? Would you feel an instant happy
connection? This person is sleeping in your bed, sharing intimate
contact with someone you thought was the Love of Your Life and
seemingly appeared out of nowhere or with very little warning...Now
this person is in your kitchen, your dresser drawer, borrowing your
make-up, going through your purse, wearing your clothes and driving
your car...
Does this mean you would hit her, scream at her or scheme to stop her
using any and all skills at your disposal? The three year old who
doesn't have your life experience is in this position. He isn't sure
how to control the interloper. How you deal with him when he feels
disempowered and displaced will impact how he deals with the younger
child.
I remember Rowan wasn't hitting Martin, but he sure wasn''t the
nurturing big brother I'd seen at the homebirth. The baby arrived and
after a while it became apparent that this kids was going to be in a
sling attached to mom. Then this kid was suddenly using his things.
Rowan shared really well as I was very open with possessions and so
was John.
It wasn't until recently that at fifteen and eleven Rowan became a
more nurturing brother toward Martin. This has led to Martin
displaying additional patience with Crispin. Though Rowan was older
when Crispin was born(six) we spent a great deal of time discussing
his irrational feelings toward Martin that did not materialize when
Crispin was born. Perhaps child spacing does play a role in how
siblings relate. Or perhaps Rowan had grown into the big brother role
as he had matured. Rowan would put up with Crispin touching things
when he became mobile, and with his "baby brother" interrupting him
and even hurting him in a manner he did not with Martin. Rowan also
"protected" Crispin from Martin--which meant as the mother I had to
step in and advocate for Martin and if not "dictate" behavior or
micromanage every moment spell out in no uncertain terms that
safety(physical and emotional) was our priority with everyone. Rowan
did by age six recognize his feelings toward Marty were somewhat
irrational and they had a lot of good times together. They do now
choose to spend time together and have similar interests.
Marina
siblings...imagine your partner comes home randomly with a new spouse.
She's younger and "cuter" and he tolerates all sorts of crying and
demands from her that he does not from you. As an adult how would you
feel about the "second wife"? Would you feel an instant happy
connection? This person is sleeping in your bed, sharing intimate
contact with someone you thought was the Love of Your Life and
seemingly appeared out of nowhere or with very little warning...Now
this person is in your kitchen, your dresser drawer, borrowing your
make-up, going through your purse, wearing your clothes and driving
your car...
Does this mean you would hit her, scream at her or scheme to stop her
using any and all skills at your disposal? The three year old who
doesn't have your life experience is in this position. He isn't sure
how to control the interloper. How you deal with him when he feels
disempowered and displaced will impact how he deals with the younger
child.
I remember Rowan wasn't hitting Martin, but he sure wasn''t the
nurturing big brother I'd seen at the homebirth. The baby arrived and
after a while it became apparent that this kids was going to be in a
sling attached to mom. Then this kid was suddenly using his things.
Rowan shared really well as I was very open with possessions and so
was John.
It wasn't until recently that at fifteen and eleven Rowan became a
more nurturing brother toward Martin. This has led to Martin
displaying additional patience with Crispin. Though Rowan was older
when Crispin was born(six) we spent a great deal of time discussing
his irrational feelings toward Martin that did not materialize when
Crispin was born. Perhaps child spacing does play a role in how
siblings relate. Or perhaps Rowan had grown into the big brother role
as he had matured. Rowan would put up with Crispin touching things
when he became mobile, and with his "baby brother" interrupting him
and even hurting him in a manner he did not with Martin. Rowan also
"protected" Crispin from Martin--which meant as the mother I had to
step in and advocate for Martin and if not "dictate" behavior or
micromanage every moment spell out in no uncertain terms that
safety(physical and emotional) was our priority with everyone. Rowan
did by age six recognize his feelings toward Marty were somewhat
irrational and they had a lot of good times together. They do now
choose to spend time together and have similar interests.
Marina
On 22/06/2011, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> -=-I'm not sure if I'm looking for an explanation of why my boys are
> fighting soooooo much (I was an only child), ideas of what I can be doing
> better, preventing, reacting, understanding? Figuring out the cause for my
> own reactions?-=-
>
> I was a first child, which means I was an ONLY child until that ratty
> screaming little sister came. I still remember the feelings, and they were
> strong, about how she stole my place, my attention, my being the baby.
>
> Sympathy for older children is good, I think.
>
> My husband was third of three, so his point of view is pro-younger. :-)
>
> It was helpful that we could balance those two, with our three kids.
>
> If you seem to side with the younger child against the older, that's a
> problem in several different ways.
>
> -=-I've been using the words "I will not let you hit/take things from your
> brother. And I think it's a really powerful statement and it has been really
> key in using it for both in the more physical situations. I'll say it for
> things like "I will not let you pull V's hair" and my oldest automatically
> feels like I'm making the world right. However reversed I think my oldest
> feels like I'm making him an outsider. -=-
>
> I think that's you saying that if you weren't there, it would be okay for
> him to hit or take things from his brother.
>
> What I said in such situations was "Marty needs to be safe in his own home."
> That applied whether I was there or not, and also applied to Kirby. He
> also needed to be safe in his own home. Sometimes I would say "It's a big
> house." That was shorthand for the reminder that they could find something
> else to do somewhere else and not need to compete for or fight over the same
> thing in the same place. Or that they should each have some space and
> privacy, and so the one denying the other one "elbow room" was the
> aggressor. I didn't say all that, though.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
--
"Insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer
darkly take refuge." --Colette--
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