How about all those 'oft-said' phrases we wish we never said?
cathyandgarth
Reading the thread about oft-heard phrases got me thinking about all
the phrases that I say, and the minute they are out of my mouth I
want to take them back . . . they are those phrases that come out so
automatically.
Here are a few of mine:
"What were you thinking?"
-- usually emerges in reponse to one child hitting, pushing, or
otherwise hurting a sibling. Like they were thinking?!?! They were
mad, frustrated, upset -- most adults aren't even thinking when they
feel like that. I find this the worst of rhetorical questions plus
I am implying that my child is stupid -- oooh, I just hate it when I
hear that come out of my mouth and always find myself backpedalling
as fast as I can!
"I am only going to say this once"
-- HA HA HA! The joke is on me isn't it?!?!
"Are you sure you want to ...?" Followed by "Don't you want
to ...?" or "I thought you wanted to ..."
-- usually said when the kids want to do something that I am not
sure I want to say yes to. Example: Ds has a friend over to play,
it is a beautiful day outside. They want to watch a movie and come
to ask if they can put in "Madagascar." I say "are you sure? I
thought you wanted W to come over so you could play."
In my case, this is a rediculous way to buy myself time while I toss
my luggage out the window so that I can say "yes." I mean, really,
would they ask if they could play a computer game or watch a movie
if they weren't "sure?"
"But you were starving while I was making dinner/lunch/breakfast." T
-- exclaimed, obviously, when a child eats about two bites and
declares themselves full. Oooh, and as I think about it, this one
is usually accompanied by the already discussed "are you sure?" I
think this one is leftover from the whole clear your plate way-of-
being. I've gotten past the starving children in Africa, but just
can't seem to get completely clear of all those fodd issues.
Okay, so what good does it do to admit it if I can't get rid of
it? Any suggestions? Sometimes I feel like I need one of those dog
training collars, send a little shock into my ankle everytime
I "bark."
Cathy (and, yes, I AM sure)
the phrases that I say, and the minute they are out of my mouth I
want to take them back . . . they are those phrases that come out so
automatically.
Here are a few of mine:
"What were you thinking?"
-- usually emerges in reponse to one child hitting, pushing, or
otherwise hurting a sibling. Like they were thinking?!?! They were
mad, frustrated, upset -- most adults aren't even thinking when they
feel like that. I find this the worst of rhetorical questions plus
I am implying that my child is stupid -- oooh, I just hate it when I
hear that come out of my mouth and always find myself backpedalling
as fast as I can!
"I am only going to say this once"
-- HA HA HA! The joke is on me isn't it?!?!
"Are you sure you want to ...?" Followed by "Don't you want
to ...?" or "I thought you wanted to ..."
-- usually said when the kids want to do something that I am not
sure I want to say yes to. Example: Ds has a friend over to play,
it is a beautiful day outside. They want to watch a movie and come
to ask if they can put in "Madagascar." I say "are you sure? I
thought you wanted W to come over so you could play."
In my case, this is a rediculous way to buy myself time while I toss
my luggage out the window so that I can say "yes." I mean, really,
would they ask if they could play a computer game or watch a movie
if they weren't "sure?"
"But you were starving while I was making dinner/lunch/breakfast." T
-- exclaimed, obviously, when a child eats about two bites and
declares themselves full. Oooh, and as I think about it, this one
is usually accompanied by the already discussed "are you sure?" I
think this one is leftover from the whole clear your plate way-of-
being. I've gotten past the starving children in Africa, but just
can't seem to get completely clear of all those fodd issues.
Okay, so what good does it do to admit it if I can't get rid of
it? Any suggestions? Sometimes I feel like I need one of those dog
training collars, send a little shock into my ankle everytime
I "bark."
Cathy (and, yes, I AM sure)
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 20, 2006, at 1:27 PM, cathyandgarth wrote:
You CAN get rid of it. I bet having written those down and posting
them will help. <g>
You don't need a shock collar, you just need to replace the little
voices in your head with new, improved, more-aware-and-compassionate
little voices.
Sandra
> Okay, so what good does it do to admit it if I can't get rid of--------------------------------------------------------
> it? Any suggestions? Sometimes I feel like I need one of those dog
> training collars, send a little shock into my ankle everytime
> I "bark."
You CAN get rid of it. I bet having written those down and posting
them will help. <g>
You don't need a shock collar, you just need to replace the little
voices in your head with new, improved, more-aware-and-compassionate
little voices.
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 20, 2006, at 3:27 PM, cathyandgarth wrote:
Post the list on the refrigerator and ask them to point it out every
time you say one of them.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Sometimes I feel like I need one of those dogYou could ask your kids to be your training collar :-)
> training collars, send a little shock into my ankle everytime
> I "bark."
Post the list on the refrigerator and ask them to point it out every
time you say one of them.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The Millers
My husband and I listening last week to one of the Live and Learn CD's. I
think it was the one entitled, "Mindful Parenting"...by Sandra and Ren. We
purchased about 15 or so of them, so it's kind of crazy in my brain...but I
think it was that one. Anyhow, towards the end of the CD it talks about
taking a breath...pausing. We really liked that idea. It seems so simple
to do. My husband and I noticed that at the same time you have to remember
not to roll your eyes, take a breath that sounds like a big sigh, slump your
shoulders....because that breath / pause can then become a judgment in
waiting.
Maybe try that breath / pause.
Also, whenever I act like an idiot and say something ridiculous to Sorscha,
I normally start laughing and apologize. And, of course, whenever I start
laughing...it means tickle time for Sorscha. That so-called important thing
that most of the time is not, turns into a great memory for the both of us.
This works with my husband Dave too!!!!
Crystal, David, and Sorscha in NM
+++++++++++++++
think it was the one entitled, "Mindful Parenting"...by Sandra and Ren. We
purchased about 15 or so of them, so it's kind of crazy in my brain...but I
think it was that one. Anyhow, towards the end of the CD it talks about
taking a breath...pausing. We really liked that idea. It seems so simple
to do. My husband and I noticed that at the same time you have to remember
not to roll your eyes, take a breath that sounds like a big sigh, slump your
shoulders....because that breath / pause can then become a judgment in
waiting.
Maybe try that breath / pause.
Also, whenever I act like an idiot and say something ridiculous to Sorscha,
I normally start laughing and apologize. And, of course, whenever I start
laughing...it means tickle time for Sorscha. That so-called important thing
that most of the time is not, turns into a great memory for the both of us.
This works with my husband Dave too!!!!
Crystal, David, and Sorscha in NM
+++++++++++++++
>From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
> Subject: Re: How about all those 'oft-said' phrases we wish we never said?
>
>
> On Feb 20, 2006, at 1:27 PM, cathyandgarth wrote:
>
> > Okay, so what good does it do to admit it if I can't get rid of
> > it? Any suggestions? Sometimes I feel like I need one of those dog
> > training collars, send a little shock into my ankle everytime
> > I "bark."
> --------------------------------------------------------
> You CAN get rid of it. I bet having written those down and posting
> them will help. <g>
>
> You don't need a shock collar, you just need to replace the little
> voices in your head with new, improved, more-aware-and-compassionate
> little voices.
>
> Sandra
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 21, 2006, at 12:00 PM, The Millers wrote:
It's take a slow deep breath, not "heave a theatrical sigh."
Sighs are out, and have sound.
Breaths should be filling and renewing and nurturing and all that
good stuff. <g>
-=-And, of course, whenever I start
laughing...it means tickle time for Sorscha. -=-
Be careful with tickling. Some people don't like it, but will endure
it to keep peace, or to have the physical touch. She might sometimes
prefer just softer touching but not want to admit it, or not fully
realize it. Even though it makes people laugh, tickling can be
invasive and sometimes painful. And sometimes there IS something
that needs to be said after that deep breath or two, it just needs to
be in a gentle form. Tickling instead of saying something might be
like changing the subject, sometimes.
Sandra
> Anyhow, towards the end of the CD it talks aboutGood point.
> taking a breath...pausing. We really liked that idea. It seems so
> simple
> to do. My husband and I noticed that at the same time you have to
> remember
> not to roll your eyes, take a breath that sounds like a big sigh,
> slump your
> shoulders....because that breath / pause can then become a judgment in
> waiting.
It's take a slow deep breath, not "heave a theatrical sigh."
Sighs are out, and have sound.
Breaths should be filling and renewing and nurturing and all that
good stuff. <g>
-=-And, of course, whenever I start
laughing...it means tickle time for Sorscha. -=-
Be careful with tickling. Some people don't like it, but will endure
it to keep peace, or to have the physical touch. She might sometimes
prefer just softer touching but not want to admit it, or not fully
realize it. Even though it makes people laugh, tickling can be
invasive and sometimes painful. And sometimes there IS something
that needs to be said after that deep breath or two, it just needs to
be in a gentle form. Tickling instead of saying something might be
like changing the subject, sometimes.
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 21, 2006, at 2:22 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
(You might be surprised by the answer!) Ask before you do it if they
want you to.
Tickling is such a weird thing because it makes someone laugh but
it's incredibly disempowering. The tickled person is totally at the
mercy of the one doing the tickling. Having someone take away a
child's power over her body for even a (very intense) minute or two
can be another reminder of how powerless she is in the world.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Be careful with tickling. Some people don't like it, but will endureYes! Ask your kids at some quiet time if they like to be tickled.
> it to keep peace, or to have the physical touch.
(You might be surprised by the answer!) Ask before you do it if they
want you to.
Tickling is such a weird thing because it makes someone laugh but
it's incredibly disempowering. The tickled person is totally at the
mercy of the one doing the tickling. Having someone take away a
child's power over her body for even a (very intense) minute or two
can be another reminder of how powerless she is in the world.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
cathyandgarth
> > Be careful with tickling. Some people don't like it, but willendure
> > it to keep peace, or to have the physical touch.they
>
> Yes! Ask your kids at some quiet time if they like to be tickled.
> (You might be surprised by the answer!) Ask before you do it if
> want you to.This is a really really good point! We have always had the policy
that if someone say no or stop, that's it -- no discussion, tickling
is over. BUT, when I read that post it made me examine something:
my DS6 loves to be tickled by my DH, and, I am wondering if that is
because a) he really likes it; or b) he wants "the physical
touch"/physical interaction with DH. As DS has gotten older I have
noticed that he and DH spend less time snuggling and more time
tickling and wrestling. I will take the suggestion of using a quiet
moment to ask DS about this and identify whether this is something
that is mutual, or if he has fallen into the tickling/wrestling
thing as a way to get more intimacy from his father, who was raised
with almost no touching -- tickling, hugging or otherwise, and may
not even realize that he has started withholding loving snuggles.
Cathy