Man, that sucks!
Arlynn Liebster
That is a favorite saying, "Man, that sucks!"
Least favorite (or at least one of the least fave) "Time heals all wounds."
I want to share this as I read mothers sort of pissed off at having to take
care of their children and own lives: my father died at 42 of a heart attack
when I was 6 yo, my sister was 8 and my brother was 3. My brother died of
cancer at 18. My sister died of cancer at 33. My mother is mentally ill and
only sort of normal part of the time, and that normal time was never when we
grew up, the stress of life was too much for her wobbly brain to handle.
Life is *not* fair, but we don't need to be reminded about it. We need
comfort and support and sometimes a big hug.
There was so much comfort and support coming my way when my sister died
after 2 years of horrid treatments. Some of my clients called in a
conference call to my home the day after Dawn died to try to cheer me up and
got my answering machine, I was picking out casket/flowers/tequila/etc...
And this is what I hear, a room full of women (all of whom I really liked
and still am friends with today 10 yrs later) trying to be cheerful in their
lovely Texas rose way and say nice things on my answering machine and then
they all burst into huge rolling sobs, tears so bad they could not continue
speaking. They had to hang up and call back, embarrassed and apologizing for
not being *supportive*. That was THE MOST comforting message I have ever
gotten and I told them so.
I miss my family of origin with all of my heart, most days. Time does not
heal all wounds. Some wounds never close. But with time the good memories
slip back in too, not just the losses.
I tell you that for me some mess is not that bad, too much mess is a home
out of control and I need to get off my franny and stop whining and bless my
family and myself by cleaning up. I like an organized, slightly decluttered
home, nice clothes washed and folded and put away, I like toilets that don't
stink just as much as the next person. I do what I can for myself and to
bless my family (love that Flylady.net!! She's so positive) and the rest is
proof that my babies are ALIVE and able to run around on their own 2 legs.
We are raising children and they are gathering memories of their family of
origin. Maria Montessori said The Child is the Father of the Man. What will
our grown children remember about their childhood? How with that shape who
they are? I hope that my children remember that I, their mother, cleaned up
*happily* after my family, not being too snobby or mean to be the servant of
my cherished family (Christ washed his disciples feet, and they were grown
men, certainly *able* to wash their own feet). I hope that my children
remember that I valued their feelings more than I valued my possessions and
that I "freely shared" all that was originally mine so that they had things
and a home of their own, given to them with love as I myself received the
gift of life with love. I hope that they remember they are unconditionally
loved for simply *existing*, not based on what they chose or not chose to
do, and that the choice is really theirs, just as the choice to conceive and
raise them was really *my* choice (oh, yeah, dh had a fun part there too).
And, very importantly, when they are adults in their probably very busy
lives, I hope they remember to *call their mother*. (if they ever move out,
which my mother says is not likely based on how well they are taken care of,
aaahhhh, the plan all comes together, lol) -Arlynn
Least favorite (or at least one of the least fave) "Time heals all wounds."
I want to share this as I read mothers sort of pissed off at having to take
care of their children and own lives: my father died at 42 of a heart attack
when I was 6 yo, my sister was 8 and my brother was 3. My brother died of
cancer at 18. My sister died of cancer at 33. My mother is mentally ill and
only sort of normal part of the time, and that normal time was never when we
grew up, the stress of life was too much for her wobbly brain to handle.
Life is *not* fair, but we don't need to be reminded about it. We need
comfort and support and sometimes a big hug.
There was so much comfort and support coming my way when my sister died
after 2 years of horrid treatments. Some of my clients called in a
conference call to my home the day after Dawn died to try to cheer me up and
got my answering machine, I was picking out casket/flowers/tequila/etc...
And this is what I hear, a room full of women (all of whom I really liked
and still am friends with today 10 yrs later) trying to be cheerful in their
lovely Texas rose way and say nice things on my answering machine and then
they all burst into huge rolling sobs, tears so bad they could not continue
speaking. They had to hang up and call back, embarrassed and apologizing for
not being *supportive*. That was THE MOST comforting message I have ever
gotten and I told them so.
I miss my family of origin with all of my heart, most days. Time does not
heal all wounds. Some wounds never close. But with time the good memories
slip back in too, not just the losses.
I tell you that for me some mess is not that bad, too much mess is a home
out of control and I need to get off my franny and stop whining and bless my
family and myself by cleaning up. I like an organized, slightly decluttered
home, nice clothes washed and folded and put away, I like toilets that don't
stink just as much as the next person. I do what I can for myself and to
bless my family (love that Flylady.net!! She's so positive) and the rest is
proof that my babies are ALIVE and able to run around on their own 2 legs.
We are raising children and they are gathering memories of their family of
origin. Maria Montessori said The Child is the Father of the Man. What will
our grown children remember about their childhood? How with that shape who
they are? I hope that my children remember that I, their mother, cleaned up
*happily* after my family, not being too snobby or mean to be the servant of
my cherished family (Christ washed his disciples feet, and they were grown
men, certainly *able* to wash their own feet). I hope that my children
remember that I valued their feelings more than I valued my possessions and
that I "freely shared" all that was originally mine so that they had things
and a home of their own, given to them with love as I myself received the
gift of life with love. I hope that they remember they are unconditionally
loved for simply *existing*, not based on what they chose or not chose to
do, and that the choice is really theirs, just as the choice to conceive and
raise them was really *my* choice (oh, yeah, dh had a fun part there too).
And, very importantly, when they are adults in their probably very busy
lives, I hope they remember to *call their mother*. (if they ever move out,
which my mother says is not likely based on how well they are taken care of,
aaahhhh, the plan all comes together, lol) -Arlynn
Angela S.
Arlynn,
I loved your post. I am sorry that you lost so many people that you love
but I think it's wonderful that you see all the blessings in your life.
I haven't been keeping up with the posts, so I don't even know what sparked
yours, but it was inspiring to read. There's not so much to whine about in
life when you are surrounded by the people you love.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
I loved your post. I am sorry that you lost so many people that you love
but I think it's wonderful that you see all the blessings in your life.
I haven't been keeping up with the posts, so I don't even know what sparked
yours, but it was inspiring to read. There's not so much to whine about in
life when you are surrounded by the people you love.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
V Gardner
--- Arlynn Liebster <abfab@...> wrote:
looking forward to getting to know folks, but I had to
comment on this...that is just so true and so cool to
hear someone say! I always got the thing where my
mother wanted me to love her and be grateful just
because she gave birth to me, but when I was a child
and she had left when I was an infant, that was too
much to ask.
Now, I make sure my kids know that I feel priviledged
to have them in my life and I'm continually grateful
to them for making a mother out of me!
One time my son paid me a complimrent when he didn't
know it: he had heard something of what my mother had
done when I move in with her at 14. My son said, "I
don't believe you, no mother could be mean to her own
child so that just can't be true!" Because I know he
assumes all families are like his, his idealism is a
wonderful compliment to me!
They amaze me daily.
merry meet,
Verdena
__________________________________________________
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> gift of life with love. I hope that they rememberI'm new to this group so I don't know anyone yet and
> they are unconditionally
> loved for simply *existing*, not based on what they
> chose or not chose to
> do, and that the choice is really theirs, just as
> the choice to conceive and
> raise them was really *my* choice
looking forward to getting to know folks, but I had to
comment on this...that is just so true and so cool to
hear someone say! I always got the thing where my
mother wanted me to love her and be grateful just
because she gave birth to me, but when I was a child
and she had left when I was an infant, that was too
much to ask.
Now, I make sure my kids know that I feel priviledged
to have them in my life and I'm continually grateful
to them for making a mother out of me!
One time my son paid me a complimrent when he didn't
know it: he had heard something of what my mother had
done when I move in with her at 14. My son said, "I
don't believe you, no mother could be mean to her own
child so that just can't be true!" Because I know he
assumes all families are like his, his idealism is a
wonderful compliment to me!
They amaze me daily.
merry meet,
Verdena
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
Jodi Stewart
Arlynn,
Thankyou for sharing that. loss does put things into perspective. A
friend of mine died recently leaving behind two small boys. When my
own kids are more than a handful I think "Amy will never be able to be
frustrated by her kids again." and it makes me grateful for the time
that I have.
Jodi (new here)
Thankyou for sharing that. loss does put things into perspective. A
friend of mine died recently leaving behind two small boys. When my
own kids are more than a handful I think "Amy will never be able to be
frustrated by her kids again." and it makes me grateful for the time
that I have.
Jodi (new here)
Arlynn Liebster
I don't even know what sparked
explain. I'm on digest and I was reading in one sitting of a quick read all
the posts about forced cleaning and holy mother ego issues and then the post
about the little girl with leukemia and it all was so sad to me that we
humans get so caught up in the day to day nitty gritty of who the hell is
going to take out the trash and how stupid it is to get all bent out of
shape about who does it as if we, the mother of the family, are too good to
do it ourselves now that we became queens of our castles by the act of
popping out a few royal servants (aka children) (of course, some are
disabled and would *love* to be able to take it out if they had the health
to do so) and why and I thought I would share some of my thoughts since it
does seem that the wonderful mothers on this list truly do *get it* and its
nice to share with people who get it.
I've been reading the past few days and thinking there must be childhood
pain in these lives and how fierce some of the retorts were (I am not
judging them to be bad responses, just highly charged, which I do not feel
is a bad thing, but those kind of fierce feelings I find come from a hurt
place inside of me so that is what I was wondering about where were these
fierce feelings coming from?) So then today some were sharing the terribly
sad things that happened in childhood from forced cleaning and shaming and
comparing and other horrible mother mishaps and it all explains the
fierceness we feel about how we are raising our children without shaming
them and without trying to get them to conform to someone's mold and I am
happy to be taking it all in. I hope to God with all my heart that my
children will look back and not have these painful memories, but that they
look fondly on our time together and say they had a happy childhood that
they hope to repeat for their own children.
On forced cleaning, I was given chores to do every day, not terribly hard
ones, but a certain amount. All 3 kids helped around the house. We sort of
didn't love it but it wasn't too bad either. I had to go out to work at 11
yo to help earn money to survive, that wasn't too bad either, I was cleaning
other peoples houses, I got to keep $5 out of the money for my necessities
such as clothing, schoolbooks, and whatever 11 yo's like to buy. I was very
good at saving my money and budgeting for what I had to buy for school. That
wasn't too bad either, not my favorite, I thought I should have got to keep
more of the money, like $10, but whatever. The thing that irked me to no end
and actually still brings my blood to boil is the time that my mother went
shopping without me, bought socks that I f*ing hated and didn't want nor
need and then put them on my bed with the receipt and forced me to give her
the money for the socks out of my $5 and I can't remember exactly how much
they were but it was almost all of the $5 for the week and she left me
nothing but change for the entire week and yelled at me about my bad
attitude. This is a tiny sliver of her ridiculousness in my childhood, but
really, it still irks me to this day like the poster who posted about her
mother throwing out her rocks she collected, this is like that for me.
Stupid f*ing socks. Still makes me burn.
And another thing, my sister hated making her bed, it was somehow the most
dreaded chore in the universe for her. I was NOT allowed to make it for her,
although I would sneak and make it if I thought I wouldn't get caught. Every
time she forgot to make the bed my mother would strip it naked, throw all
the sheets out the window and the mattress too onto the lawn outside and my
sister was forced to pull it all inside, up the stairs, clean everything,
put it all back together "properly" and pass inspection before she was
allowed to go to sleep at night. That poor girl slept on a COUCH for almost
her entire adult life she was so traumatized by the frigging bed making
issues of our maniacal mother. We used to joke about it, b/c in our shared
apt. she had a couch to sleep on, where most of us have a bed. She only
switched to a bed very late in her 20's when she got a boyfriend that would
sleep over our apt. sometimes and he refused to sleep on the end of a couch.
I am still laughing over it right now, but only the fun times we had after
we got out of our mothers house.
I will never make my children do forced cleaning. I suppose you can see why.
And I try to not mumble and grumble about it myself, since I am honored to
have a house that needs cleaning. There are so many homeless people in our
own country and I cannot even go in my mind to other countries where women
and children sleep on the streets in filth with nothing even to eat before
they lay down. The things I find myself not seeing as a blessing, I give it
away to someone who is in more need than me and it lightens my workload. A
win/win situation. I happen to love freecycle. If I feel weighed down with
too much stuff, I post it on freecycle and someone who needs it comes and
picks it up from me and I feel happy to share my wealth and happy to be rid
of something that I didn't want. I grew up without almost anything, so it is
impossible for me to throw anything away, but freecycle is *giving* and that
I love to do. -Arlynn
> yours,Yeah, looking back it does look like my post came out of nowhere. So I'll
> Angela
explain. I'm on digest and I was reading in one sitting of a quick read all
the posts about forced cleaning and holy mother ego issues and then the post
about the little girl with leukemia and it all was so sad to me that we
humans get so caught up in the day to day nitty gritty of who the hell is
going to take out the trash and how stupid it is to get all bent out of
shape about who does it as if we, the mother of the family, are too good to
do it ourselves now that we became queens of our castles by the act of
popping out a few royal servants (aka children) (of course, some are
disabled and would *love* to be able to take it out if they had the health
to do so) and why and I thought I would share some of my thoughts since it
does seem that the wonderful mothers on this list truly do *get it* and its
nice to share with people who get it.
I've been reading the past few days and thinking there must be childhood
pain in these lives and how fierce some of the retorts were (I am not
judging them to be bad responses, just highly charged, which I do not feel
is a bad thing, but those kind of fierce feelings I find come from a hurt
place inside of me so that is what I was wondering about where were these
fierce feelings coming from?) So then today some were sharing the terribly
sad things that happened in childhood from forced cleaning and shaming and
comparing and other horrible mother mishaps and it all explains the
fierceness we feel about how we are raising our children without shaming
them and without trying to get them to conform to someone's mold and I am
happy to be taking it all in. I hope to God with all my heart that my
children will look back and not have these painful memories, but that they
look fondly on our time together and say they had a happy childhood that
they hope to repeat for their own children.
On forced cleaning, I was given chores to do every day, not terribly hard
ones, but a certain amount. All 3 kids helped around the house. We sort of
didn't love it but it wasn't too bad either. I had to go out to work at 11
yo to help earn money to survive, that wasn't too bad either, I was cleaning
other peoples houses, I got to keep $5 out of the money for my necessities
such as clothing, schoolbooks, and whatever 11 yo's like to buy. I was very
good at saving my money and budgeting for what I had to buy for school. That
wasn't too bad either, not my favorite, I thought I should have got to keep
more of the money, like $10, but whatever. The thing that irked me to no end
and actually still brings my blood to boil is the time that my mother went
shopping without me, bought socks that I f*ing hated and didn't want nor
need and then put them on my bed with the receipt and forced me to give her
the money for the socks out of my $5 and I can't remember exactly how much
they were but it was almost all of the $5 for the week and she left me
nothing but change for the entire week and yelled at me about my bad
attitude. This is a tiny sliver of her ridiculousness in my childhood, but
really, it still irks me to this day like the poster who posted about her
mother throwing out her rocks she collected, this is like that for me.
Stupid f*ing socks. Still makes me burn.
And another thing, my sister hated making her bed, it was somehow the most
dreaded chore in the universe for her. I was NOT allowed to make it for her,
although I would sneak and make it if I thought I wouldn't get caught. Every
time she forgot to make the bed my mother would strip it naked, throw all
the sheets out the window and the mattress too onto the lawn outside and my
sister was forced to pull it all inside, up the stairs, clean everything,
put it all back together "properly" and pass inspection before she was
allowed to go to sleep at night. That poor girl slept on a COUCH for almost
her entire adult life she was so traumatized by the frigging bed making
issues of our maniacal mother. We used to joke about it, b/c in our shared
apt. she had a couch to sleep on, where most of us have a bed. She only
switched to a bed very late in her 20's when she got a boyfriend that would
sleep over our apt. sometimes and he refused to sleep on the end of a couch.
I am still laughing over it right now, but only the fun times we had after
we got out of our mothers house.
I will never make my children do forced cleaning. I suppose you can see why.
And I try to not mumble and grumble about it myself, since I am honored to
have a house that needs cleaning. There are so many homeless people in our
own country and I cannot even go in my mind to other countries where women
and children sleep on the streets in filth with nothing even to eat before
they lay down. The things I find myself not seeing as a blessing, I give it
away to someone who is in more need than me and it lightens my workload. A
win/win situation. I happen to love freecycle. If I feel weighed down with
too much stuff, I post it on freecycle and someone who needs it comes and
picks it up from me and I feel happy to share my wealth and happy to be rid
of something that I didn't want. I grew up without almost anything, so it is
impossible for me to throw anything away, but freecycle is *giving* and that
I love to do. -Arlynn
Arlynn Liebster
And another thing, it looks like I am so holier than thou with that last
post. Sorry! I'm only human, cleaning warts and all (just "washed" the
kitchen floor by throwing down a babywipe, stepping on it and moving my foot
around over the dirty spots I didn't feel like looking at all day).
I loved what Sandra shared about Holly not minding taking out the trash in
her barefeet but her son minding. I think that really shows its just our
personal preferences (like I don't mind making beds but my sister hated it)
and it was nice to read about Sandra not minding, one way or the other who
took it out nor if anyone wanted to at all.
Thanks for this list Sandra and everyone. It is wonderful to read about
everyone's families. -Arlynn
------ Forwarded Message
From: Arlynn Liebster <abfab@...>
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:52:01 -0500
To: <[email protected]>
Conversation: Man, that sucks!
Subject: Man, that sucks!
I don't even know what sparked
post. Sorry! I'm only human, cleaning warts and all (just "washed" the
kitchen floor by throwing down a babywipe, stepping on it and moving my foot
around over the dirty spots I didn't feel like looking at all day).
I loved what Sandra shared about Holly not minding taking out the trash in
her barefeet but her son minding. I think that really shows its just our
personal preferences (like I don't mind making beds but my sister hated it)
and it was nice to read about Sandra not minding, one way or the other who
took it out nor if anyone wanted to at all.
Thanks for this list Sandra and everyone. It is wonderful to read about
everyone's families. -Arlynn
------ Forwarded Message
From: Arlynn Liebster <abfab@...>
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:52:01 -0500
To: <[email protected]>
Conversation: Man, that sucks!
Subject: Man, that sucks!
I don't even know what sparked
> yours,Yeah, looking back it does look like my post came out of
> Angela
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 21, 2006, at 7:33 AM, Arlynn Liebster wrote:
I use rags or paper towels when I use that method. Probably I'd use
baby wipes if my youngest weren't 14. <g>
I did actually mop my kitchen floor last week and the warm feeling of
accomplishment will last a month. I'll probably mop it again in
April or so.
Sandra
> (just "washed" theI see nothing wrong with that. <g>
> kitchen floor by throwing down a babywipe, stepping on it and
> moving my foot
> around over the dirty spots I didn't feel like looking at all day).
I use rags or paper towels when I use that method. Probably I'd use
baby wipes if my youngest weren't 14. <g>
I did actually mop my kitchen floor last week and the warm feeling of
accomplishment will last a month. I'll probably mop it again in
April or so.
Sandra
Joanna Wilkinson
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
A quick spray of 409, spray water across floor with sinks hose
sprayer, then throw a towel on the floor, step on it and slide/walk
all over the floor. I usually use a semi dirty towel from the hamper.
Joanna
>My favorite quick way to clean the kitchen floor.
>
> On Feb 21, 2006, at 7:33 AM, Arlynn Liebster wrote:
>
> > (just "washed" the
> > kitchen floor by throwing down a babywipe, stepping on it and
> > moving my foot
> > around over the dirty spots I didn't feel like looking at all day).
>
>
A quick spray of 409, spray water across floor with sinks hose
sprayer, then throw a towel on the floor, step on it and slide/walk
all over the floor. I usually use a semi dirty towel from the hamper.
Joanna