Sleeping arrangments
Joanna Wilkinson
Hi all
I haven't posted here (or anywhere) in quite a while. I need some
perspective. My kids have always slept in our room. As babies it
was something I insisted on, when I discovered the sleep benefits.
As they grew older I tried getting them to sleep in their own rooms,
with the idea of "that's how it's suppose to be", not because I
minded them in our bed. My dh has never been thrilled with the
idea. He accepted the babies, because he knew it really did help me
get more rest, but as they grew, he always made comments of them
sleeping in their own rooms. The kids always fought the idea and
always ended up in our bed sometime in the night. My dh didn't seem
to mind that. He wanted them to atleast start out in their own room
though( alone time for us was his idea) It was always a huge
struggle. Lots of time for me getting them into bed, lots of
getting out of bed, being scared and eventually they would be in our
room anyway at some point in the night. 3 years ago, our son died.
From that point on, we all slept in one room. My now 15 yo stopped
after a couple of months (she had been sleeping in her own room
willingly from about the age of 10-11).
My now 9yo son and 6yo dd don't seem to have any desire to sleep in
their own rooms. They would sleep in the same room if they did go
upstairs, so it's not a matter of being completely alone.
I have no desire for them to leave. My dh isn't home at night
usually 3 nights of the week til about 2 a.m. In the summer it's 6
nights a week. We just downsized to a queen(it was free and our
king was really bad) and the kids sleep on cushions on the floor
next to the bed. I thought this would make dh happier because he
atleast isn't crowded out of the bed anymore. But it still is
bothering him. He usually doesn't make a big deal. Just snide
comments here and there. But every once in a while he has a fit
about it in front of the kids and is mad that I'm not backing him
up. I remain calm and do see his side, but I also feel I 'm the one
that really has to make the effort and it seems futile anyway. And
it's not something I want to do. He's not willing to really go
through the process of putting them to be. He thinks they should be
sent to bed and stay there, like he did as a child (or atleast
that's what he wishes could happen). That never worked in the past,
but he doesn't want to hear logic or opinions, he just wants it to
be easy and done.
I'm thinking I should just take a stand here. Usually it blows
over, sometimes I make a little effort but end up back to our usual,
all going to sleep in my bed together, he accepts it's not happening
and we continue to all sleep in the room.
I'm thinking they will naturally want to sleep in their own rooms at
some point (like my oldest did) My 9yo seems to want to, but gets
scared being alone still. My 6 yo has no desire.
Also, my oldest went to high school and goes to sleep earlier than
everyone else. The kids rooms are upstairs and they would keep her
awake if they were up there.
I make an effort for dh and I to have "alone time" at other times
than night. Dh usually sleeps in late and we can have "alone time"
mid morning while the kids are busy doing thier own things, so I
really don't think that should be an issue with him. I'm way to
tired at night usually, anyway. (Especially if I've just spent a lot
of energy getting the kids in their own rooms.)
So am I being wrong or stubborn or lazy or a clingy mother here?
Should I put his wants over ours? How can I do that without being
resentful.
Should i ask him to accept this and realize it is temporary (though
not short term)
I would really like to let the kids choose when they are ready. I
would like them to feel completely welcome by both of us.
I think I should really take a stand here, but wanted some
perspective first.
Thanks
Joanna
I haven't posted here (or anywhere) in quite a while. I need some
perspective. My kids have always slept in our room. As babies it
was something I insisted on, when I discovered the sleep benefits.
As they grew older I tried getting them to sleep in their own rooms,
with the idea of "that's how it's suppose to be", not because I
minded them in our bed. My dh has never been thrilled with the
idea. He accepted the babies, because he knew it really did help me
get more rest, but as they grew, he always made comments of them
sleeping in their own rooms. The kids always fought the idea and
always ended up in our bed sometime in the night. My dh didn't seem
to mind that. He wanted them to atleast start out in their own room
though( alone time for us was his idea) It was always a huge
struggle. Lots of time for me getting them into bed, lots of
getting out of bed, being scared and eventually they would be in our
room anyway at some point in the night. 3 years ago, our son died.
From that point on, we all slept in one room. My now 15 yo stopped
after a couple of months (she had been sleeping in her own room
willingly from about the age of 10-11).
My now 9yo son and 6yo dd don't seem to have any desire to sleep in
their own rooms. They would sleep in the same room if they did go
upstairs, so it's not a matter of being completely alone.
I have no desire for them to leave. My dh isn't home at night
usually 3 nights of the week til about 2 a.m. In the summer it's 6
nights a week. We just downsized to a queen(it was free and our
king was really bad) and the kids sleep on cushions on the floor
next to the bed. I thought this would make dh happier because he
atleast isn't crowded out of the bed anymore. But it still is
bothering him. He usually doesn't make a big deal. Just snide
comments here and there. But every once in a while he has a fit
about it in front of the kids and is mad that I'm not backing him
up. I remain calm and do see his side, but I also feel I 'm the one
that really has to make the effort and it seems futile anyway. And
it's not something I want to do. He's not willing to really go
through the process of putting them to be. He thinks they should be
sent to bed and stay there, like he did as a child (or atleast
that's what he wishes could happen). That never worked in the past,
but he doesn't want to hear logic or opinions, he just wants it to
be easy and done.
I'm thinking I should just take a stand here. Usually it blows
over, sometimes I make a little effort but end up back to our usual,
all going to sleep in my bed together, he accepts it's not happening
and we continue to all sleep in the room.
I'm thinking they will naturally want to sleep in their own rooms at
some point (like my oldest did) My 9yo seems to want to, but gets
scared being alone still. My 6 yo has no desire.
Also, my oldest went to high school and goes to sleep earlier than
everyone else. The kids rooms are upstairs and they would keep her
awake if they were up there.
I make an effort for dh and I to have "alone time" at other times
than night. Dh usually sleeps in late and we can have "alone time"
mid morning while the kids are busy doing thier own things, so I
really don't think that should be an issue with him. I'm way to
tired at night usually, anyway. (Especially if I've just spent a lot
of energy getting the kids in their own rooms.)
So am I being wrong or stubborn or lazy or a clingy mother here?
Should I put his wants over ours? How can I do that without being
resentful.
Should i ask him to accept this and realize it is temporary (though
not short term)
I would really like to let the kids choose when they are ready. I
would like them to feel completely welcome by both of us.
I think I should really take a stand here, but wanted some
perspective first.
Thanks
Joanna
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 2, 2006, at 8:13 AM, Joanna Wilkinson wrote:
you have to get another big bed? And then when your husband gets
home, get up and go to bed with him? Sleeping together doesn't
have to be in your bed, and it doesn't have to be all night.
If your kids aren't really little, you could just simply say "Dad's
not having fun with everyone in the same bed anymore, so we need to
give him more privacy." Maybe you CAN take a stand, but take it
in his favor, and also still sleep with the kids a lot.
-=-So am I being wrong or stubborn or lazy or a clingy mother here?-=-
Inflexible? Not lazy. Just seeing it as two choices: all in your
bed, or them in individual beds. Find another big-nest option
elsewhere.
-=-Should I put his wants over ours? -=-
Now that sounds bad. Quite "us" against Him.
One of your wants should be finding a way for him to be happy,
right? Isn't there an "us" that includes him?
Did you throw that old king mattress out? Maybe if the bed was worn
out, the mattress on a floor would still be okay.
Holly uses the queen bed Keith and I had for a long time. It's too
worn out for me and Keith, but she's small and light, and for her
alone it's plenty comfortable. She likes that it's the bed in which
she and Marty were conceived. (Kirby's Day One involved a water bed
in Boulder, at a friend's house.)
You don't have to come up with One Big Plan either, but could go a
few weeks sleeping in the den on futons, while you think about a
longer-range plan, maybe.
Costco has three-fold futons. The current set has camouflage
material on it. There's a Japanese name for those but I forget it.
They're not the little chair-looking things that fold out into a kid-
bed. They're adult size, and fold in thirds and will stack flat.
Maybe you could get three of those you could make into a wide yet
temporary/moveable bed. It wouldn't always have to be in the same room.
Sandra
> I'm thinking I should just take a stand here. Usually it blowsCan you go to sleep with them in another room (not yours), even if
> over, sometimes I make a little effort but end up back to our usual,
> all going to sleep in my bed together, he accepts it's not happening
> and we continue to all sleep in the room.
you have to get another big bed? And then when your husband gets
home, get up and go to bed with him? Sleeping together doesn't
have to be in your bed, and it doesn't have to be all night.
If your kids aren't really little, you could just simply say "Dad's
not having fun with everyone in the same bed anymore, so we need to
give him more privacy." Maybe you CAN take a stand, but take it
in his favor, and also still sleep with the kids a lot.
-=-So am I being wrong or stubborn or lazy or a clingy mother here?-=-
Inflexible? Not lazy. Just seeing it as two choices: all in your
bed, or them in individual beds. Find another big-nest option
elsewhere.
-=-Should I put his wants over ours? -=-
Now that sounds bad. Quite "us" against Him.
One of your wants should be finding a way for him to be happy,
right? Isn't there an "us" that includes him?
Did you throw that old king mattress out? Maybe if the bed was worn
out, the mattress on a floor would still be okay.
Holly uses the queen bed Keith and I had for a long time. It's too
worn out for me and Keith, but she's small and light, and for her
alone it's plenty comfortable. She likes that it's the bed in which
she and Marty were conceived. (Kirby's Day One involved a water bed
in Boulder, at a friend's house.)
You don't have to come up with One Big Plan either, but could go a
few weeks sleeping in the den on futons, while you think about a
longer-range plan, maybe.
Costco has three-fold futons. The current set has camouflage
material on it. There's a Japanese name for those but I forget it.
They're not the little chair-looking things that fold out into a kid-
bed. They're adult size, and fold in thirds and will stack flat.
Maybe you could get three of those you could make into a wide yet
temporary/moveable bed. It wouldn't always have to be in the same room.
Sandra
Angela S.
Like others have said, just think outside the box and find something that
works for all of you.
Our sleeping arrangements have gone back and forth over the years. At times
I've slept in the kids' beds. At times they've slept in mine. At one
point, the kids shared a room and I lay with them while they went to sleep
and snuck out at some point in the night to sleep in my own bed with dh.
My 9 yo was sleeping alone for the past year but recently decided to move
back into my room. Dh travels a lot and when he is out of town she shares
my bed and when he is in town she either takes a spot on the floor or sleeps
in her own room.
My 11 yo, who always liked to sleep in her own room, but liked me to lay
with her while she went to sleep recently began taking forever to go to
sleep and it was really frustrating me. I'd fall asleep and she'd thrash
about and wake me so many times that eventually I couldn't sleep at all for
the rest of the night. I finally told her I would stay for half an hour and
if she wasn't asleep, then she could choose to sleep on my floor or stay in
her own bed. She chose my floor, so now we have 4 of us in the room at
times when dh is home.
He actually doesn't seem to mind as long as we keep a path clear to his side
of the bed so he doesn't kill himself on his way in late at night.
I hope you find some way to keep all of you fairly happy.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
works for all of you.
Our sleeping arrangements have gone back and forth over the years. At times
I've slept in the kids' beds. At times they've slept in mine. At one
point, the kids shared a room and I lay with them while they went to sleep
and snuck out at some point in the night to sleep in my own bed with dh.
My 9 yo was sleeping alone for the past year but recently decided to move
back into my room. Dh travels a lot and when he is out of town she shares
my bed and when he is in town she either takes a spot on the floor or sleeps
in her own room.
My 11 yo, who always liked to sleep in her own room, but liked me to lay
with her while she went to sleep recently began taking forever to go to
sleep and it was really frustrating me. I'd fall asleep and she'd thrash
about and wake me so many times that eventually I couldn't sleep at all for
the rest of the night. I finally told her I would stay for half an hour and
if she wasn't asleep, then she could choose to sleep on my floor or stay in
her own bed. She chose my floor, so now we have 4 of us in the room at
times when dh is home.
He actually doesn't seem to mind as long as we keep a path clear to his side
of the bed so he doesn't kill himself on his way in late at night.
I hope you find some way to keep all of you fairly happy.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
Traci Escher
My husband is a very light sleeper, he has also been the one who
wakes up every morning at 5:00 am to go to work, so that I can stay
home with our children. I have tried to keep that in mind when
making our sleeping arrangements over the past 15 years. Mostly it
has involved me sleeping with the kids in a shared bed, then popping
back to my bed for a snuggle with my husband, then back to the other
room when someone needed me.
My boys are now 15,13 and 10. I still lay down with my 10 year old,
usually fall asleep, wake up, and tip toe to my own room between
12:00 and 1:00 am. My husband would really love me to go to bed with
him at 10:00 however, that just doesn't fit RIGHT NOW. I know there
will be a time when I just tuck them in with a kiss and go to my own
bed, you will too.
I am sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you find a solution that
works for all of you.
Many Blessings,
Traci
Mom to Ryan-15 Jake-13 Justin-10
wakes up every morning at 5:00 am to go to work, so that I can stay
home with our children. I have tried to keep that in mind when
making our sleeping arrangements over the past 15 years. Mostly it
has involved me sleeping with the kids in a shared bed, then popping
back to my bed for a snuggle with my husband, then back to the other
room when someone needed me.
My boys are now 15,13 and 10. I still lay down with my 10 year old,
usually fall asleep, wake up, and tip toe to my own room between
12:00 and 1:00 am. My husband would really love me to go to bed with
him at 10:00 however, that just doesn't fit RIGHT NOW. I know there
will be a time when I just tuck them in with a kiss and go to my own
bed, you will too.
I am sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you find a solution that
works for all of you.
Many Blessings,
Traci
Mom to Ryan-15 Jake-13 Justin-10