thank you
[email protected]
Sandra :
I'll definitely check your site rec's and read and try to change what "i'm" doing....i think when the unkindness happens that being tired and/or hungry is usually the cause and sometimes its just testing like behaviour but I'm gonna try to observe more and see if thats really it......it all just takes so much thinking and I guess sometimes i get lazy.........it really takes a lot of work ( for me)to be this kind of parent but its the right thing to do and no one is making me..... I often say I "have a delicate sanity" and what that really means is I get tired .......but it seems the long haulers don't really talk about getting tired or lazy or having a hard time and i guess maybe I'm doing something wrong b/c its not supposed to be so hard? so, I'm adding more thinking! to try and make it easier.....or just let it be easier.........:)so, thank you.
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
I'll definitely check your site rec's and read and try to change what "i'm" doing....i think when the unkindness happens that being tired and/or hungry is usually the cause and sometimes its just testing like behaviour but I'm gonna try to observe more and see if thats really it......it all just takes so much thinking and I guess sometimes i get lazy.........it really takes a lot of work ( for me)to be this kind of parent but its the right thing to do and no one is making me..... I often say I "have a delicate sanity" and what that really means is I get tired .......but it seems the long haulers don't really talk about getting tired or lazy or having a hard time and i guess maybe I'm doing something wrong b/c its not supposed to be so hard? so, I'm adding more thinking! to try and make it easier.....or just let it be easier.........:)so, thank you.
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 6, 2006, at 7:30 AM, <janclan@...> wrote:
What some people describe as kids "testing" parents (and isn't that
always presented in a negative manner, as though the kids are sneaky,
manipulative and bad?) can be seen as them simply communicating and
attempting to learn.
Try to put a positive spin on how you see situations with your
children, and how you phrase things.
Words and ideas change thought and behavior. It's not (as people
like to say when they don't want to really think about it) "just
semantics."
-=-I often say I "have a delicate sanity" and what that really means
is I get tired-=-
You often say that?
"Tired" sometimes means feeling powerless or overwhelmed. Every
step you take toward seeing that your life is made of conscious
choices will energize you, I think. When people feel helpless and
put-upon, that can feel like tiredness. Bolster up your sanity
with knowledge of how learning works and how you can help yourself
and your kids learn, and how you can maintain the kind of peaceful
yet busy environment that makes for good unschooling. Have a focus.
People without priorities can sometimes feel that they're wallowing
and flailing in confusion.
Focus doesn't mean you need to have a big plan and schedule. That's
how priorities and principles work. If your priority is the cleanest
possible house, then that will cause you to make decisions based on
what will get your house clean and keep it that way. If you
priority is three sit-down meals every single day with your whole
family present, then THAT is how you will decide whether it's okay
for your children to sleep in or stay at a friend's house longer.
The answer would be no, because it would conflict with your first
priority.
My priority has long been to help my kids discover the world in fun
and safe ways. So if they want to stay up really late playing online
games with people on other continents, that seems (within my
priorities) vastly superior to a sit-down breakfast just because it's
7:30 a.m. They can sleep. I'll make sure they're not hungry.
There's food available that they can get easily on their own, and I'm
willing to cook for them if they'd rather have pancakes or scrambled
eggs or something. That's not a schedule, and it doesn't take a lot
of thinking. Each decision is made based on the principles and
priorities that support unschooling at our house.
If clean house were my one main focus, it would be better for me and
my house for the kids to have gone to school so I could clean up, and
they wouldn't have or need so much stuff at home, because their
learning would be relegated to schooltime and school's buildings.
Why would our house need maps and globes? That wouldn't be my job,
or the purpose of our house.
-=-it seems the long haulers don't really talk about getting tired or
lazy or having a hard time -=-
It was harder when I was newer at it, and when my kids were all
little there were days I hardly got to think of anything that wasn't
the in-my-face sticky or poopy mess of the moment. Talking about how
hard it is doesn't help much, but talking about how it can be easier
does.
Sandra
> i think when the unkindness happens that being tired and/or hungry=======================
> is usually the cause and sometimes its just testing like behaviour
What some people describe as kids "testing" parents (and isn't that
always presented in a negative manner, as though the kids are sneaky,
manipulative and bad?) can be seen as them simply communicating and
attempting to learn.
Try to put a positive spin on how you see situations with your
children, and how you phrase things.
Words and ideas change thought and behavior. It's not (as people
like to say when they don't want to really think about it) "just
semantics."
-=-I often say I "have a delicate sanity" and what that really means
is I get tired-=-
You often say that?
"Tired" sometimes means feeling powerless or overwhelmed. Every
step you take toward seeing that your life is made of conscious
choices will energize you, I think. When people feel helpless and
put-upon, that can feel like tiredness. Bolster up your sanity
with knowledge of how learning works and how you can help yourself
and your kids learn, and how you can maintain the kind of peaceful
yet busy environment that makes for good unschooling. Have a focus.
People without priorities can sometimes feel that they're wallowing
and flailing in confusion.
Focus doesn't mean you need to have a big plan and schedule. That's
how priorities and principles work. If your priority is the cleanest
possible house, then that will cause you to make decisions based on
what will get your house clean and keep it that way. If you
priority is three sit-down meals every single day with your whole
family present, then THAT is how you will decide whether it's okay
for your children to sleep in or stay at a friend's house longer.
The answer would be no, because it would conflict with your first
priority.
My priority has long been to help my kids discover the world in fun
and safe ways. So if they want to stay up really late playing online
games with people on other continents, that seems (within my
priorities) vastly superior to a sit-down breakfast just because it's
7:30 a.m. They can sleep. I'll make sure they're not hungry.
There's food available that they can get easily on their own, and I'm
willing to cook for them if they'd rather have pancakes or scrambled
eggs or something. That's not a schedule, and it doesn't take a lot
of thinking. Each decision is made based on the principles and
priorities that support unschooling at our house.
If clean house were my one main focus, it would be better for me and
my house for the kids to have gone to school so I could clean up, and
they wouldn't have or need so much stuff at home, because their
learning would be relegated to schooltime and school's buildings.
Why would our house need maps and globes? That wouldn't be my job,
or the purpose of our house.
-=-it seems the long haulers don't really talk about getting tired or
lazy or having a hard time -=-
It was harder when I was newer at it, and when my kids were all
little there were days I hardly got to think of anything that wasn't
the in-my-face sticky or poopy mess of the moment. Talking about how
hard it is doesn't help much, but talking about how it can be easier
does.
Sandra
Gold Standard
-=-I often say I "have a delicate sanity" and what that really means
is I get tired-=-
My husband has a VERY different tolerance level, energy level and coping
level to many things in life than I do. He would say, with great relief to
have the words and confidence to say, "I have delicate sanity." In fact, I'm
going to share the term with him...I think he'll feel like it fits in lots
of situations for him.
I've heard him say, "I've reached my max" more times than I can count. And
it's the truth that he reached his max. He gets physically ill if pushed
beyond his max...you can see his eyes glaze and become bloodshot, he
disintegrates emotionally and has difficulty thinking rationally, can't
handle little issues. His body can even begin to quiver. It's a very typical
aspie thing.
We Xmas shop together every year. We set it up so that we have fun and it
works for both of us. We figured out Charles' tolerance time...about 1 1/2
hours. His delicate, finely-tuned "sanity" or "togetherness" starts to
crumble about then in public on the go. And this has built up over the
years...it used to be less than an hour.
So we go in spurts and have great, short shopping excursions. I get most of
the shopping done by myself as I seem to have few limits this way. I tend to
be the energizer bunny.
When he's "reached his max", we'll go home so he can rest up and have no
expectations from anyone for a couple of hours and then be ready to go
again. Learning that he is not really insane, that he is like a lot of other
people who apparently lived in closets while he was growing up, having an
internet and books that have given him SO much insight into his own
mysteries, has allowed him to let go of shame and helped him organize a life
that works for him.
KNOWING this about Charles has made our marriage work and his life a happy
one, rather than a "there's something wrong with me" one.
Our first 8 years of marriage or so I didn't REALLY believe dh had these
limits. I believed he had control of these things and was choosing to see
himself in these ways, and could change the little breakdowns he had when
pushed beyond his max, maybe he acted like this because of his upbringing or
whatever. I was VERY frustrated many times because he just couldn't keep up
in a lot of ways. Having a shift in understanding, gaining information about
WHY Charles was the way he was (it just seems easier to figure out with our
children...it was definitely harder for me to be understanding of my grown
adult husband).
And my husband is an incredible man. He is an amazing person on this planet.
I am in awe of him in many ways.
So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after those
kinds of stimulants.
Thanks,
Jacki
is I get tired-=-
My husband has a VERY different tolerance level, energy level and coping
level to many things in life than I do. He would say, with great relief to
have the words and confidence to say, "I have delicate sanity." In fact, I'm
going to share the term with him...I think he'll feel like it fits in lots
of situations for him.
I've heard him say, "I've reached my max" more times than I can count. And
it's the truth that he reached his max. He gets physically ill if pushed
beyond his max...you can see his eyes glaze and become bloodshot, he
disintegrates emotionally and has difficulty thinking rationally, can't
handle little issues. His body can even begin to quiver. It's a very typical
aspie thing.
We Xmas shop together every year. We set it up so that we have fun and it
works for both of us. We figured out Charles' tolerance time...about 1 1/2
hours. His delicate, finely-tuned "sanity" or "togetherness" starts to
crumble about then in public on the go. And this has built up over the
years...it used to be less than an hour.
So we go in spurts and have great, short shopping excursions. I get most of
the shopping done by myself as I seem to have few limits this way. I tend to
be the energizer bunny.
When he's "reached his max", we'll go home so he can rest up and have no
expectations from anyone for a couple of hours and then be ready to go
again. Learning that he is not really insane, that he is like a lot of other
people who apparently lived in closets while he was growing up, having an
internet and books that have given him SO much insight into his own
mysteries, has allowed him to let go of shame and helped him organize a life
that works for him.
KNOWING this about Charles has made our marriage work and his life a happy
one, rather than a "there's something wrong with me" one.
Our first 8 years of marriage or so I didn't REALLY believe dh had these
limits. I believed he had control of these things and was choosing to see
himself in these ways, and could change the little breakdowns he had when
pushed beyond his max, maybe he acted like this because of his upbringing or
whatever. I was VERY frustrated many times because he just couldn't keep up
in a lot of ways. Having a shift in understanding, gaining information about
WHY Charles was the way he was (it just seems easier to figure out with our
children...it was definitely harder for me to be understanding of my grown
adult husband).
And my husband is an incredible man. He is an amazing person on this planet.
I am in awe of him in many ways.
So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after those
kinds of stimulants.
Thanks,
Jacki
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 6, 2006, at 9:29 AM, Gold Standard wrote:
Can't you just go without him? I mean if it's fun and works for both
of you, that's fine, but if it's hard for him, can't you shop with
someone else? Or shop online instead?
-=-I tend to
be the energizer bunny.
When he's "reached his max", we'll go home so he can rest up and have no
expectations from anyone for a couple of hours and then be ready to go
again.-=-
That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two
introverts, who are energized by solitude. There's nothing wrong
with any of us. Everyone is somewhere along the line between those
theoretical extremes, and some fluctuate, needing solitude some
seasons of their lives, and fearing it other times. Knowing that
both are healthy and 'normal' (not mathematically normal, but not
"abnormal") is all people need to know (and not to pressure one to
comfortably behave differently for very long).
-=-So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting
yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most
people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after
those
kinds of stimulants.-=-
That's all true, but if one has to say it a lot then the situations
aren't being tailored to avoid the indelicate parts. <g>
Sandra
> -=-We Xmas shop together every year. We set it up so that we have===============================
> fun and it
> works for both of us. We figured out Charles' tolerance
> time...about 1 1/2
> hours. His delicate, finely-tuned "sanity" or "togetherness" starts to
> crumble about then in public on the go. And this has built up over the
> years...it used to be less than an hour.-=-
Can't you just go without him? I mean if it's fun and works for both
of you, that's fine, but if it's hard for him, can't you shop with
someone else? Or shop online instead?
-=-I tend to
be the energizer bunny.
When he's "reached his max", we'll go home so he can rest up and have no
expectations from anyone for a couple of hours and then be ready to go
again.-=-
That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two
introverts, who are energized by solitude. There's nothing wrong
with any of us. Everyone is somewhere along the line between those
theoretical extremes, and some fluctuate, needing solitude some
seasons of their lives, and fearing it other times. Knowing that
both are healthy and 'normal' (not mathematically normal, but not
"abnormal") is all people need to know (and not to pressure one to
comfortably behave differently for very long).
-=-So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting
yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most
people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after
those
kinds of stimulants.-=-
That's all true, but if one has to say it a lot then the situations
aren't being tailored to avoid the indelicate parts. <g>
Sandra
Sandrewmama
On Jan 6, 2006, at 11:00 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
celebrate our
introverted ways is, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an
Extrovert World
by Marti Olsen Laney. It helped me to feel more "normal" and to see
my highly introverted son
in a more positive light.
FWIW,
Chris in IA
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/IAUnschoolers/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have threeA book that really helped me and my ds understand, accept and even
> extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two
> introverts, who are energized by solitude. There's nothing wrong
> with any of us. Everyone is somewhere along the line between those
> theoretical extremes, and some fluctuate, needing solitude some
> seasons of their lives, and fearing it other times. Knowing that
> both are healthy and 'normal' (not mathematically normal, but not
> "abnormal") is all people need to know (and not to pressure one to
> comfortably behave differently for very long).
celebrate our
introverted ways is, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an
Extrovert World
by Marti Olsen Laney. It helped me to feel more "normal" and to see
my highly introverted son
in a more positive light.
FWIW,
Chris in IA
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/IAUnschoolers/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gold Standard
On Jan 6, 2006, at 9:29 AM, Gold Standard wrote:
the shopping done by myself as I seem to have few limits this way."
I do it.
I'm not complaining. We have a great time now that we've got it figured out.
It's not a problem in any way.
-=-I tend to
y'all well :o)
wrong with my husband? He's perfect!
them happy and what bothers them, that then they will feel comfortable with
behaving "differently" for very long. But the part of the sentence right
before the parentheses says "Knowing that both are healthy and 'normal' (not
mathematically normal, but not
"abnormal") is all people need to know". So if our differences are normal
and fine, then why would we not want to have them for very long? Just a
little confused.
You may be saying that if we use a label then we will lower our expectations
of ourselves or the other person we're using the label on. That is a
personal decision people make individually. I really can't control what
other people think of my son or husband. If they have preconceived notions
or false opinions that really is their problem. I've watched both of these
amazing people just keep growing and learning and changing...no limits. My
husband has a blue belt in karate after starting at age 54. He STARTED med
school at age 41. He just keeps on going...often at a different pace than
me, but utilizing a label has done nothing to slow him down.
-=-So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting
yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most
people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after
those
kinds of stimulants.-=-
avoid the indelicate parts <g>
Thanks,
Jacki
Yahoo! Groups Links
> -=-We Xmas shop together every year. We set it up so that we have===============================
> fun and it
> works for both of us. We figured out Charles' tolerance
> time...about 1 1/2
> hours. His delicate, finely-tuned "sanity" or "togetherness" starts to
> crumble about then in public on the go. And this has built up over the
> years...it used to be less than an hour.-=-
>>Can't you just go without him? I mean if it's fun and works for bothYes. That's why I had the line in there "I get most of
>>of you, that's fine, but if it's hard for him, can't you shop with
>>someone else? Or shop online instead?<<
the shopping done by myself as I seem to have few limits this way."
I do it.
I'm not complaining. We have a great time now that we've got it figured out.
It's not a problem in any way.
-=-I tend to
>be the energizer bunny.>These labels and the information that comes with them seem to have served
>When he's "reached his max", we'll go home so he can rest up and have no
>expectations from anyone for a couple of hours and then be ready to go
>again.-=-
>>That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
>>extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two
>>introverts, who are energized by solitude. <<
y'all well :o)
>>There's nothing wrongWas there something that made it sound like I thought there was anything
>>with any of us.<<
wrong with my husband? He's perfect!
>>(and not to pressure one toWhat does this mean? It seems like maybe you mean if someone sees what makes
>>comfortably behave differently for very long).<<
them happy and what bothers them, that then they will feel comfortable with
behaving "differently" for very long. But the part of the sentence right
before the parentheses says "Knowing that both are healthy and 'normal' (not
mathematically normal, but not
"abnormal") is all people need to know". So if our differences are normal
and fine, then why would we not want to have them for very long? Just a
little confused.
You may be saying that if we use a label then we will lower our expectations
of ourselves or the other person we're using the label on. That is a
personal decision people make individually. I really can't control what
other people think of my son or husband. If they have preconceived notions
or false opinions that really is their problem. I've watched both of these
amazing people just keep growing and learning and changing...no limits. My
husband has a blue belt in karate after starting at age 54. He STARTED med
school at age 41. He just keeps on going...often at a different pace than
me, but utilizing a label has done nothing to slow him down.
-=-So basically I just wanted to say that maybe you aren't limiting
yourself by
using the term "delicate sanity". Maybe these are words that describe to
some degree how you feel. Maybe you've learned that compared to most
people,
you have a lower tolerance to some things, and you *feel* tired after
those
kinds of stimulants.-=-
>>That's all true, but if one has to say it a lot then the situationsTHIS I agree with. I hope I shared a nice example of tailoring our lives to
>>aren't being tailored to avoid the indelicate parts. <g><<
avoid the indelicate parts <g>
Thanks,
Jacki
Yahoo! Groups Links
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 6, 2006, at 10:38 AM, Gold Standard wrote:
Keith will go to a party with me if I really want him to. What I do
in exchange for that concession is NOT expect him to want to stay
four or five hours even though I might. I watch for signs that he's
uncomfortable and we bail. I don't pressure him to do an
uncomfortable thing. If he seems uncomfortable about the idea of
going in the first place, if it's something he can miss without
social repercussions, I just go without him. He doesn't like things
in churches (weddings and funerals) but I like them fine, so I go.
Turns out Holly LOVES ceremonial things like that, and will go with
me anytime.
An awareness of each person's preferences and limitations can be
surfed without putting up signposts about it.
-=->>That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
served
y'all well :o)-=-
It's nothing to go to a doctor about or buy a book about or join a
special list about, though.
Sandra
> -=- >>(and not to pressure one toNo, it says nothing like that.
> >>comfortably behave differently for very long).<<
>
> -=-What does this mean? It seems like maybe you mean if someone
> sees what makes
> them happy and what bothers them, that then they will feel
> comfortable with
> behaving "differently" for very long -=-
Keith will go to a party with me if I really want him to. What I do
in exchange for that concession is NOT expect him to want to stay
four or five hours even though I might. I watch for signs that he's
uncomfortable and we bail. I don't pressure him to do an
uncomfortable thing. If he seems uncomfortable about the idea of
going in the first place, if it's something he can miss without
social repercussions, I just go without him. He doesn't like things
in churches (weddings and funerals) but I like them fine, so I go.
Turns out Holly LOVES ceremonial things like that, and will go with
me anytime.
An awareness of each person's preferences and limitations can be
surfed without putting up signposts about it.
-=->>That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
>>extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two-=-These labels and the information that comes with them seem to have
>>introverts, who are energized by solitude. <<
served
y'all well :o)-=-
It's nothing to go to a doctor about or buy a book about or join a
special list about, though.
Sandra
Gold Standard
-=->>That sounds typical of an extrovert and an introvert. We have three
served
y'all well :o)-=-
do believe a couple of posts ago someone actually recommended a book that
helped them with being "introverted"...
Jacki
>>extroverts here, who are energized by people and activity, and two-=-These labels and the information that comes with them seem to have
>>introverts, who are energized by solitude. <<
served
y'all well :o)-=-
>>>>>>It's nothing to go to a doctor about or buy a book about or join aWell if the doctor or book or specialist helps you live better...why not? I
>>>>>>special list about, though.<<<<<<<<<
do believe a couple of posts ago someone actually recommended a book that
helped them with being "introverted"...
Jacki
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 6, 2006, at 11:32 AM, Gold Standard wrote:
One post doesn't need to change the direction or the reality of the
list. That seems to be the point that's being missed here. If
someone recommends a book and someone else says that book is
unnecessary, that's fine. The person who read both of those
recommendations (and maybe many others) has information to pick and
choose from. That's all it needs.
Sandra
> Well if the doctor or book or specialist helps you live---------------------
> better...why not? I
> do believe a couple of posts ago someone actually recommended a
> book that
> helped them with being "introverted"...
One post doesn't need to change the direction or the reality of the
list. That seems to be the point that's being missed here. If
someone recommends a book and someone else says that book is
unnecessary, that's fine. The person who read both of those
recommendations (and maybe many others) has information to pick and
choose from. That's all it needs.
Sandra
Gold Standard
>>IfGotchya. I agree.
>>someone recommends a book and someone else says that book is
>>unnecessary, that's fine. The person who read both of those
>>recommendations (and maybe many others) has information to pick and
>>choose from. That's all it needs.<<
Thanks for clarifying,
Jacki
-
[email protected]
Well, I sometimes say that......
And , I liked every speck of your response, as usual. :)
I am new. I'm sure it shows. I'm trying. I'm getting info from different sources and am now brave enough to ask questions...and am trying to find my way /our way/a way..........
Lisa
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
And , I liked every speck of your response, as usual. :)
I am new. I'm sure it shows. I'm trying. I'm getting info from different sources and am now brave enough to ask questions...and am trying to find my way /our way/a way..........
Lisa
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
[email protected]
Thanks Jacki. Those were great new words to explain my statement about my "sanity".............
Lisa
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
Lisa
_____________________________________________________________
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
Robyn Coburn
<<<<< My husband has a VERY different tolerance level, energy level and
coping
level to many things in life than I do. He would say, with great relief to
have the words and confidence to say, "I have delicate sanity." In fact, I'm
going to share the term with him...I think he'll feel like it fits in lots
of situations for him.
I've heard him say, "I've reached my max" more times than I can count. And
it's the truth that he reached his max. He gets physically ill if pushed
beyond his max...you can see his eyes glaze and become bloodshot, he
disintegrates emotionally and has difficulty thinking rationally, can't
handle little issues. His body can even begin to quiver. It's a very typical
aspie thing. >>>>>
I've been following this thread, and I don't have any insights at all, but I
did have a reaction here.
I was reading these two paragraphs and thinking how like me it was to be
reaching the maximum. It is often tiredness in my case, and I will say, "I
haven't got much left in me" as a lead up to making a transition to bed or
other activity with Jayn.
Then I got to the last sentence: "It's a very typical
aspie thing."
And suddenly a big silent wall went up bang between me and the experience
you dh has and it seemed like I couldn't relate at all, that it wasn't
something in common with me at all. Suddenly it was all about being aspie
instead of about being at the end of the tether - however long that tether
may be for different people.
Robyn L. Coburn
--
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coping
level to many things in life than I do. He would say, with great relief to
have the words and confidence to say, "I have delicate sanity." In fact, I'm
going to share the term with him...I think he'll feel like it fits in lots
of situations for him.
I've heard him say, "I've reached my max" more times than I can count. And
it's the truth that he reached his max. He gets physically ill if pushed
beyond his max...you can see his eyes glaze and become bloodshot, he
disintegrates emotionally and has difficulty thinking rationally, can't
handle little issues. His body can even begin to quiver. It's a very typical
aspie thing. >>>>>
I've been following this thread, and I don't have any insights at all, but I
did have a reaction here.
I was reading these two paragraphs and thinking how like me it was to be
reaching the maximum. It is often tiredness in my case, and I will say, "I
haven't got much left in me" as a lead up to making a transition to bed or
other activity with Jayn.
Then I got to the last sentence: "It's a very typical
aspie thing."
And suddenly a big silent wall went up bang between me and the experience
you dh has and it seemed like I couldn't relate at all, that it wasn't
something in common with me at all. Suddenly it was all about being aspie
instead of about being at the end of the tether - however long that tether
may be for different people.
Robyn L. Coburn
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Pamela Sorooshian
On Jan 6, 2006, at 12:42 PM, Robyn Coburn wrote:
something - but as "code" to my kids who know it means I'm feeling
overwhelmed and tired and overstimulated and that we need to wind
down, get moving on, get ready to go home, whatever.
Happens to me in shopping malls in about half an hour. An hour in a
shopping mall puts me over the edge. I'll feel like my legs are made
of lead, I can barely think because my brain turns to mush.
People think I'm an extrovert and I do like people and interaction
and all that - find it endlessly fascinating and can spend hours
observing strangers in public places or kids at play, etc. I have FUN
at Disneyland - while standing in lines <G> - but I am massively
overwhelmed by being indoors with the wall of sound that is always
there in a mall and with artificial lighting and STUFF everywhere. It
turns me into a zombie. There is an element of claustrophobia in it,
too. It is simply part of who I am and my family knows it and knows
how much they can expect from me.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I was reading these two paragraphs and thinking how like me it was"I'm almost done." I say that NOT when I'm almost finished doing
> to be
> reaching the maximum. It is often tiredness in my case, and I will
> say, "I
> haven't got much left in me" as a lead up to making a transition to
> bed or
> other activity with Jayn.
something - but as "code" to my kids who know it means I'm feeling
overwhelmed and tired and overstimulated and that we need to wind
down, get moving on, get ready to go home, whatever.
Happens to me in shopping malls in about half an hour. An hour in a
shopping mall puts me over the edge. I'll feel like my legs are made
of lead, I can barely think because my brain turns to mush.
People think I'm an extrovert and I do like people and interaction
and all that - find it endlessly fascinating and can spend hours
observing strangers in public places or kids at play, etc. I have FUN
at Disneyland - while standing in lines <G> - but I am massively
overwhelmed by being indoors with the wall of sound that is always
there in a mall and with artificial lighting and STUFF everywhere. It
turns me into a zombie. There is an element of claustrophobia in it,
too. It is simply part of who I am and my family knows it and knows
how much they can expect from me.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: janclan@...
......it all just takes so much
thinking and I guess sometimes i get lazy.........it really takes a lot of work
( for me)to be this kind of parent but its the right thing to do and no one is
making me.....
-=-=-=-
It DOES take a lot of work. And it's NOT easy.
-=-=-=-
.......but it seems the long haulers don't really talk about
getting tired or lazy or having a hard time and i guess maybe I'm doing
something wrong b/c its not supposed to be so hard?
-=-=-=-
We've been gently criticized for this before (we've even criticized ourselves!) because we *seem* to always
get it right. ANd we make it seem easy. It's not. I work every day at it. It didn't come naturally. I often
ask for forgiveness from Ben and the boys when I lose it. But I get better.
I came with some serious baggage. Cameron will have less than I did---and Duncan will have next to none! <g>
I still have my mother's voice that rings in my ears. Duncan says he hates to see me shake (I grit my teeth
and do the Tom Hanks baseball shake when I'm really angry---it keeps me from yelling and reminds me to
breathe! <bwg>).
Do we lose it? Yes! And we should probably tell you all more often when we do lose it. Because it helps to
know that we're not perfect moms. The same way it helps your children to see that you struggle with new
things too! But when newbies come and ask for help with things, we give advice---and that advice will be
to calmly think about what you're doing, to see your child as a young person who is learning how to live in
this world and who wants to do/be his best, and to respond as you would like to have been treated.
Yes, we should probably tell more about how we struggled to get to this point (where ever we are on the
continuum)---but we tend to say what we've found works best for us.
Do we get tired? Yes---that's when you don't see me here much!
Do we get lazy? Uh---no! Not me! <G> I'm an energizer bunny! <bgw>
Do we have a hard time? It gets easier and easier the more you do it and the more you think about WHY.
Seriously---the more you do *anything* the easier that thing gets. Keep making better, more unschooly
decisions and you will naturally become better at it. It will become easier.
That saying: if it were easy, everyone would be doing it?
Unschooling ain't easy. Simple, but not easy! And we're the few, the proud, the unschoolers! <G>
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: janclan@...
......it all just takes so much
thinking and I guess sometimes i get lazy.........it really takes a lot of work
( for me)to be this kind of parent but its the right thing to do and no one is
making me.....
-=-=-=-
It DOES take a lot of work. And it's NOT easy.
-=-=-=-
.......but it seems the long haulers don't really talk about
getting tired or lazy or having a hard time and i guess maybe I'm doing
something wrong b/c its not supposed to be so hard?
-=-=-=-
We've been gently criticized for this before (we've even criticized ourselves!) because we *seem* to always
get it right. ANd we make it seem easy. It's not. I work every day at it. It didn't come naturally. I often
ask for forgiveness from Ben and the boys when I lose it. But I get better.
I came with some serious baggage. Cameron will have less than I did---and Duncan will have next to none! <g>
I still have my mother's voice that rings in my ears. Duncan says he hates to see me shake (I grit my teeth
and do the Tom Hanks baseball shake when I'm really angry---it keeps me from yelling and reminds me to
breathe! <bwg>).
Do we lose it? Yes! And we should probably tell you all more often when we do lose it. Because it helps to
know that we're not perfect moms. The same way it helps your children to see that you struggle with new
things too! But when newbies come and ask for help with things, we give advice---and that advice will be
to calmly think about what you're doing, to see your child as a young person who is learning how to live in
this world and who wants to do/be his best, and to respond as you would like to have been treated.
Yes, we should probably tell more about how we struggled to get to this point (where ever we are on the
continuum)---but we tend to say what we've found works best for us.
Do we get tired? Yes---that's when you don't see me here much!
Do we get lazy? Uh---no! Not me! <G> I'm an energizer bunny! <bgw>
Do we have a hard time? It gets easier and easier the more you do it and the more you think about WHY.
Seriously---the more you do *anything* the easier that thing gets. Keep making better, more unschooly
decisions and you will naturally become better at it. It will become easier.
That saying: if it were easy, everyone would be doing it?
Unschooling ain't easy. Simple, but not easy! And we're the few, the proud, the unschoolers! <G>
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 7, 2006, at 7:49 AM, kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
Now others in the family are more likely to smile if I'm having a
melt-down than to cringe. There's nothing to cringe about. Kirby
thinks I should have more self control and so he expresses disgust
(facially, and he leaves the room) if I'm frustrated or angry.
That Kirby who thinks I should be able to control my emotions better
was a little kid who was quick to fury, broke things, lunged at his
brother, threw himself down crying... but we never said "That's
okay, Kirby." We figured out how we could try to avoid the
situations he was in and we would get people and things out of his
range and hold him or sit across from him and help him express
himself and to breathe, the combination of which are a quicky home-
version of drugs and therapy. Oxygen and the opportunity to express
the rage and the practice and assistance to put it into better words
and context moved him QUICKLY to a place I will probably never be,
because while I had years of no help, years of reinforcement for bad
behavior.
When I was little if an adult was having a tantrum, it was assumed
that it was WHOLLY justified and probably the "fault" of me or
another kid. It was assumed to be okay that when that adult did calm
down (or maybe just a while before), a kid could get a spanking, or
some big punishment. And we wouldn't have laughed or smiled or said
"Sheesh, mom--breathe!!" Because then we'd've been slapped. So we
were somewhat trained to accept those fits as normal and right and
good and our fault. Many years of that went by in my life, and when
I was in my 20's, I had few good tricks for self-calming (though I
had more than some of my friends, because I had been meditating since
I was fifteen, and though it wasn't regular or daily, I had the tool
and I knew how to induce that state more quickly than if I'd never
been there.
So that's a long ramble to get to this point:
If this list turns into a "support group" for moms who lose it, we
will enable people to continue to lose it and feel justified.
When one feels about to lose it, that's a good time to look around
and see what she should have or could have done differently in the
hour or day before that. Is it time to go and you're not ready?
That is not the fault of your husband or children. Suck it up.
Did you forget to do something you said you'd do and now you're
embarrassed and frustrated? That's not anyone else's fault.
Apologize sweetly and make a quick Plan B. Get a packet of phrases
(affirmations, tricks) and learn to change your posture and to take a
few breaths in whatever way calms you. I do slow, deep and hold, and
let it out slowly, and then huff out the last bit, and start a new
slow deep one, and after years of that being my best trick, I can
usually calm down in less than two breaths now, though there was a
time it took several, or a fast walk.
Fast walk is a good trick. If you think you're about to cry or roar,
do a real thing. Take the compost out, or the trash. Go and refill
the bird feeder. Check the mail box. Then if you need to cry you're
away from little kids who might be freaked out and feel responsible.
Parent yourself when you're feeling like you're losing it.
It probably helps new unschoolers to know we're not perfect moms, but
it won't help them if we say "Ah, don't worry about it. Everyone
loses it. It's normal. Don't feel bad."
Yes, feel bad. Yes, desire to do better. Yes, learn to manage
life so that the frustrations are avoided and aren't so harmful when
they can't be avoided. Maybe you can't jump there all in one great
stride, but if that's where you want to go, every choice you make can
be made with that destination in mind.
Sandra
> -=-Do we lose it? Yes! And we should probably tell you all moreI lose it very rarely anymore. Years back I was more likely to.
> often when we do lose it. Because it helps to
> know that we're not perfect moms. -=-
Now others in the family are more likely to smile if I'm having a
melt-down than to cringe. There's nothing to cringe about. Kirby
thinks I should have more self control and so he expresses disgust
(facially, and he leaves the room) if I'm frustrated or angry.
That Kirby who thinks I should be able to control my emotions better
was a little kid who was quick to fury, broke things, lunged at his
brother, threw himself down crying... but we never said "That's
okay, Kirby." We figured out how we could try to avoid the
situations he was in and we would get people and things out of his
range and hold him or sit across from him and help him express
himself and to breathe, the combination of which are a quicky home-
version of drugs and therapy. Oxygen and the opportunity to express
the rage and the practice and assistance to put it into better words
and context moved him QUICKLY to a place I will probably never be,
because while I had years of no help, years of reinforcement for bad
behavior.
When I was little if an adult was having a tantrum, it was assumed
that it was WHOLLY justified and probably the "fault" of me or
another kid. It was assumed to be okay that when that adult did calm
down (or maybe just a while before), a kid could get a spanking, or
some big punishment. And we wouldn't have laughed or smiled or said
"Sheesh, mom--breathe!!" Because then we'd've been slapped. So we
were somewhat trained to accept those fits as normal and right and
good and our fault. Many years of that went by in my life, and when
I was in my 20's, I had few good tricks for self-calming (though I
had more than some of my friends, because I had been meditating since
I was fifteen, and though it wasn't regular or daily, I had the tool
and I knew how to induce that state more quickly than if I'd never
been there.
So that's a long ramble to get to this point:
If this list turns into a "support group" for moms who lose it, we
will enable people to continue to lose it and feel justified.
When one feels about to lose it, that's a good time to look around
and see what she should have or could have done differently in the
hour or day before that. Is it time to go and you're not ready?
That is not the fault of your husband or children. Suck it up.
Did you forget to do something you said you'd do and now you're
embarrassed and frustrated? That's not anyone else's fault.
Apologize sweetly and make a quick Plan B. Get a packet of phrases
(affirmations, tricks) and learn to change your posture and to take a
few breaths in whatever way calms you. I do slow, deep and hold, and
let it out slowly, and then huff out the last bit, and start a new
slow deep one, and after years of that being my best trick, I can
usually calm down in less than two breaths now, though there was a
time it took several, or a fast walk.
Fast walk is a good trick. If you think you're about to cry or roar,
do a real thing. Take the compost out, or the trash. Go and refill
the bird feeder. Check the mail box. Then if you need to cry you're
away from little kids who might be freaked out and feel responsible.
Parent yourself when you're feeling like you're losing it.
It probably helps new unschoolers to know we're not perfect moms, but
it won't help them if we say "Ah, don't worry about it. Everyone
loses it. It's normal. Don't feel bad."
Yes, feel bad. Yes, desire to do better. Yes, learn to manage
life so that the frustrations are avoided and aren't so harmful when
they can't be avoided. Maybe you can't jump there all in one great
stride, but if that's where you want to go, every choice you make can
be made with that destination in mind.
Sandra
multimomma
It's funny you posted that. i was talking to my husband just last night about how much
more exhausted I am (well, I've been tired for months and months, from pregnancy
sicknesses), but now that we're getting back to our regularly scheduled programming, i
am so much more exhausted than ever before. BUT...I know why, it takes more energy to
unschool that to homeschool (although tbh, both are easier than dealing with public
schools)
Having said all of that, it's a better sort of tired. Kind of like being sweaty because you're
nervous vs being sweaty because you've been working in the garden. I feel like we're
happier and more accomplished, and I'm having a good time. I love it! Now if you'll
excuse me we have to figure out how to affix two broken pieces of soap back together (we
spent last week melting down soap blocks and molding our own soaps. LOL! It's all good,
right?
Melissa
more exhausted I am (well, I've been tired for months and months, from pregnancy
sicknesses), but now that we're getting back to our regularly scheduled programming, i
am so much more exhausted than ever before. BUT...I know why, it takes more energy to
unschool that to homeschool (although tbh, both are easier than dealing with public
schools)
Having said all of that, it's a better sort of tired. Kind of like being sweaty because you're
nervous vs being sweaty because you've been working in the garden. I feel like we're
happier and more accomplished, and I'm having a good time. I love it! Now if you'll
excuse me we have to figure out how to affix two broken pieces of soap back together (we
spent last week melting down soap blocks and molding our own soaps. LOL! It's all good,
right?
Melissa
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@a... wrote:
> Do we get tired? Yes---that's when you don't see me here much!
>
> Do we get lazy? Uh---no! Not me! <G> I'm an energizer bunny! <bgw>
>
> Do we have a hard time? It gets easier and easier the more you do it and the more you
think about WHY.
> Seriously---the more you do *anything* the easier that thing gets. Keep making better,
more unschooly
> decisions and you will naturally become better at it. It will become easier.
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 7, 2006, at 12:01 PM, multimomma wrote:
If you feel like you're playing, and you're doing what you want to do
and it's interesting and therefor effortless, why would that seem
like taking a lot of energy?
For me, it "takes a lot of energy" to sit still doing nothing. A
couple of days ago Marty had to drive across town for a training
session for his new job, and was going to a building he'd never been
to and might either get there just on time or (if it was an easy
drive and easy find) maybe ten minutes early. I asked if he wanted
to take his book in case there was sitting-around time. He said no,
he'd just sit around.
I can't just sit around. It makes lots of noise inside me, lots of
agitation and discomfort to "just sit." I can't.
If someone's doing something that seems pointless or uninteresting,
that should (seems to me) take more energy than doing something
wonderful.
Sandra
> BUT...I know why, it takes more energy toMaybe it takes more energy, but maybe not.
> unschool that to homeschool
If you feel like you're playing, and you're doing what you want to do
and it's interesting and therefor effortless, why would that seem
like taking a lot of energy?
For me, it "takes a lot of energy" to sit still doing nothing. A
couple of days ago Marty had to drive across town for a training
session for his new job, and was going to a building he'd never been
to and might either get there just on time or (if it was an easy
drive and easy find) maybe ten minutes early. I asked if he wanted
to take his book in case there was sitting-around time. He said no,
he'd just sit around.
I can't just sit around. It makes lots of noise inside me, lots of
agitation and discomfort to "just sit." I can't.
If someone's doing something that seems pointless or uninteresting,
that should (seems to me) take more energy than doing something
wonderful.
Sandra
multimomma
The part that takes a lot of energy for *me* is to bite my tongue. I'm still working on the
mindset, and my brain is still telling me that they "aren't doing it right" and wanting to take
over. I'm expending a lot of energy redirecting myself. Maybe it isn't the ideal, and I know it's
been a while for other parent's, but I'm still working on saying 'why not?'. That's what's been
taking my energy, undoing all those years of ingrained techniques, dealing with my mother's
crazy old voices, dealing with baggage from raising my brother when I was still a child
myself.
The part that gives me energy is the playing...the part that I'm doing stuff that's
interesting...the part of watching my kids be joyful. Those are the parts that keep me going. I
was simply replying to another post.
Melissa
mindset, and my brain is still telling me that they "aren't doing it right" and wanting to take
over. I'm expending a lot of energy redirecting myself. Maybe it isn't the ideal, and I know it's
been a while for other parent's, but I'm still working on saying 'why not?'. That's what's been
taking my energy, undoing all those years of ingrained techniques, dealing with my mother's
crazy old voices, dealing with baggage from raising my brother when I was still a child
myself.
The part that gives me energy is the playing...the part that I'm doing stuff that's
interesting...the part of watching my kids be joyful. Those are the parts that keep me going. I
was simply replying to another post.
Melissa
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@S...> wrote:
> If you feel like you're playing, and you're doing what you want to do
> and it's interesting and therefor effortless, why would that seem
> like taking a lot of energy?
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 7, 2006, at 6:11 PM, multimomma wrote:
replying, it's a whole and real reply, right? Remember to focus on
the ideas and statements made, and not who made them. Any idea
thrown onto the table is there to be picked up, turned over and
messed with.
Sandra
> -=-The part that gives me energy is the playing...the part that I'mReplying to posts is what it's all about. It's not a "simply"
> doing stuff that's
> interesting...the part of watching my kids be joyful. Those are the
> parts that keep me going. I
> was simply replying to another post. -=-
replying, it's a whole and real reply, right? Remember to focus on
the ideas and statements made, and not who made them. Any idea
thrown onto the table is there to be picked up, turned over and
messed with.
Sandra
[email protected]
>>Maybe it takes more energy, maybe not>>I see what you are saying, Sandra. I find unschooling takes much less mental energy from me than sending the kids to school (we've done both at the kids' request). THAT made me nuts even though I had all day to do whatever I wanted.
Unschooling takes more physical energy for me. Most of the time it does feel like playing because I really enjoy spending time with the kids....sometimes it does feel like work, usually when I've made a conscious decision to support a child in their interest, particularly an interest that I'm not really interested in myself.
Zach decided to raise chicken broilers this year for 4-H. We have laying hens...how hard could it be? So the chickens arrived Wednesday and today I attended a workshop on how to help your child raise these things. We are talking feeding 4 times per day and rousting them every 2 hours around the clock. Sigh....no way can a 12 yo do that independently....But Zach is excited and I want to support him so I'm digging out the extra alarm clock and slapping a smile on my face and trying to think of this as a memory in progress <grin>.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
Date: Saturday, January 7, 2006 6:26 pm
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: getting tired
>
> On Jan 7, 2006, at 12:01 PM, multimomma wrote:
>
> > BUT...I know why, it takes more energy to
> > unschool that to homeschool
>
>
> Maybe it takes more energy, but maybe not.
>
> If you feel like you're playing, and you're doing what you want to
> do
> and it's interesting and therefor effortless, why would that seem
> like taking a lot of energy?
>
> For me, it "takes a lot of energy" to sit still doing nothing. A
> couple of days ago Marty had to drive across town for a training
> session for his new job, and was going to a building he'd never
> been
> to and might either get there just on time or (if it was an easy
> drive and easy find) maybe ten minutes early. I asked if he
> wanted
> to take his book in case there was sitting-around time. He said
> no,
> he'd just sit around.
>
> I can't just sit around. It makes lots of noise inside me, lots
> of
> agitation and discomfort to "just sit." I can't.
>
> If someone's doing something that seems pointless or
> uninteresting,
> that should (seems to me) take more energy than doing something
> wonderful.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/7/2006 7:37:08 PM Central Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
Any idea
thrown onto the table is there to be picked up, turned over and
messed with.
~~~
Like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle!
Jigsaw puzzles are just one of the things you don't get to do much or so
perfectly when there are small children around. Moms and dads should just
realize that. Like going to the movies or 5-star restaurants or sex on the couch
in the middle of the day.
It's just something you put off until the kids are older or out of the house.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
Any idea
thrown onto the table is there to be picked up, turned over and
messed with.
~~~
Like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle!
Jigsaw puzzles are just one of the things you don't get to do much or so
perfectly when there are small children around. Moms and dads should just
realize that. Like going to the movies or 5-star restaurants or sex on the couch
in the middle of the day.
It's just something you put off until the kids are older or out of the house.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 8, 2006, at 2:33 PM, tuckervill2@... wrote:
I suppose so!
And I'm also supposing the people who join this list are mature
enough to keep the pieces on the table and not fling them around the
room or chew them up and spit them out in the corner. <g>
Sandra
> Any idea-===============================
> thrown onto the table is there to be picked up, turned over and
> messed with.
>
>
>
> ~~~
>
> Like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle!
I suppose so!
And I'm also supposing the people who join this list are mature
enough to keep the pieces on the table and not fling them around the
room or chew them up and spit them out in the corner. <g>
Sandra
diana jenner
Sandra Dodd wrote:
needed to have in those moments that shaped who you are in *this* exact
moment. When I step back and realize that I'm replaying a horrible tape
from my own childhood, it's like a splash of cold water on my soul. My
heart tells me to strive to be the parent I'm meant to be with my own
children, not some knee-jerk replication of my family's history.
Knee-jerk is easy AND it's damaging and painful; thoughtful parenting is
tougher (to begin) AND is healing (to parent) and nurturing (to parent
and child/ren).
(far more productive IMO) is the drive to do better, to make right what
has been done wrong and not to repeat harmful actions again.
I realize this in my home, almost daily... When Hannah, 9, says she
doesn't want to do something she's committed to doing, she doesn't want
to hear about her committment, she just wants someone to acknowledge her
"no" to let it be heard and respected. THEN she calms down, processes
the situation herself and is then absolutely *FREE* to make a choice.
The other day, she woke up and didn't want to go to her riding lesson
[the voices in my head were RAVING about the struggle to schedule this
lesson and the money it costs and the trouble the teacher went through
to get to the barn and what will they think of me and what kind of
parent will they think I am...]. Admittedly, I cajoled her, working to
rally her enthusiasm to go... I had to go anyway, to pay the teacher, so
she rode along to see her best friend. Once there, she helped her
friend ready the horse, all along quietly reminding me she wasn't going
to ride today. We watched the other girls have their lessons and when
Hannah's turn came, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked
that I tell the teacher she wasn't riding. The volume button in my head
was really hard to reach and I almost caved in to those voices, when I
realized the *ONE* person I needed to listen to right now is Hannah and
Hannah alone. I hugged her sad, scared little Self and told Deb she
didn't want to ride today. The confusion on the teacher's face was
priceless! How do you chastise a kid who came in and did the hard part
of the lesson and doesn't want to do the fun part?? As she sputtered
about charging without 24 hour notice, I quickly assured her I had no
problem paying for the lesson and I was glad to have Hannah's wishes
respected. As soon as we adults were okay with her "no," she helped her
friend take off the saddle and lead the horse to the field, where we fed
him the apples we brought along. Deb kindly asked Hannah if there was
something *she* could do to make riding lessons less angstful for her.
Hannah told her "it's just today, I don't feel like riding today" and
Deb accepted it. Hannah's now looking forward to her next lesson. I'm
so glad I didn't put an anxiety ridden child on the back of a huge
animal -- so dangerous!! -- but instead honored her feelings for that
moment and kept the role of "mom-as-protector" in her heart.
:) diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>Parent yourself when you're feeling like you're losing it.This is so important! BE your child in that moment, BE the parent *YOU*
>
>
needed to have in those moments that shaped who you are in *this* exact
moment. When I step back and realize that I'm replaying a horrible tape
from my own childhood, it's like a splash of cold water on my soul. My
heart tells me to strive to be the parent I'm meant to be with my own
children, not some knee-jerk replication of my family's history.
Knee-jerk is easy AND it's damaging and painful; thoughtful parenting is
tougher (to begin) AND is healing (to parent) and nurturing (to parent
and child/ren).
>Yes, feel bad. Yes, desire to do better. Yes, learn to manageGuilt serves purpose; one purpose could be the cause of ulcers, another
>life so that the frustrations are avoided and aren't so harmful when
>they can't be avoided. Maybe you can't jump there all in one great
>stride, but if that's where you want to go, every choice you make can
>be made with that destination in mind.
>
(far more productive IMO) is the drive to do better, to make right what
has been done wrong and not to repeat harmful actions again.
I realize this in my home, almost daily... When Hannah, 9, says she
doesn't want to do something she's committed to doing, she doesn't want
to hear about her committment, she just wants someone to acknowledge her
"no" to let it be heard and respected. THEN she calms down, processes
the situation herself and is then absolutely *FREE* to make a choice.
The other day, she woke up and didn't want to go to her riding lesson
[the voices in my head were RAVING about the struggle to schedule this
lesson and the money it costs and the trouble the teacher went through
to get to the barn and what will they think of me and what kind of
parent will they think I am...]. Admittedly, I cajoled her, working to
rally her enthusiasm to go... I had to go anyway, to pay the teacher, so
she rode along to see her best friend. Once there, she helped her
friend ready the horse, all along quietly reminding me she wasn't going
to ride today. We watched the other girls have their lessons and when
Hannah's turn came, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked
that I tell the teacher she wasn't riding. The volume button in my head
was really hard to reach and I almost caved in to those voices, when I
realized the *ONE* person I needed to listen to right now is Hannah and
Hannah alone. I hugged her sad, scared little Self and told Deb she
didn't want to ride today. The confusion on the teacher's face was
priceless! How do you chastise a kid who came in and did the hard part
of the lesson and doesn't want to do the fun part?? As she sputtered
about charging without 24 hour notice, I quickly assured her I had no
problem paying for the lesson and I was glad to have Hannah's wishes
respected. As soon as we adults were okay with her "no," she helped her
friend take off the saddle and lead the horse to the field, where we fed
him the apples we brought along. Deb kindly asked Hannah if there was
something *she* could do to make riding lessons less angstful for her.
Hannah told her "it's just today, I don't feel like riding today" and
Deb accepted it. Hannah's now looking forward to her next lesson. I'm
so glad I didn't put an anxiety ridden child on the back of a huge
animal -- so dangerous!! -- but instead honored her feelings for that
moment and kept the role of "mom-as-protector" in her heart.
:) diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler Waynforth
What a fantastic story about handling the tension within yourself to
make Hannah feel good about her own choices.
Thanks,
Schuyler
--- In [email protected], diana jenner <hahamommy@s...>
wrote:
schedule this
-- but instead honored her feelings for that
make Hannah feel good about her own choices.
Thanks,
Schuyler
--- In [email protected], diana jenner <hahamommy@s...>
wrote:
> I realize this in my home, almost daily... When Hannah, 9, says sheher
> doesn't want to do something she's committed to doing, she doesn't want
> to hear about her committment, she just wants someone to acknowledge
> "no" to let it be heard and respected. THEN she calms down, processesgoing > [the voices in my head were RAVING about the struggle to
> the situation herself and is then absolutely *FREE* to make a choice.
> The other day, she woke up and didn't want to go to her riding lesson
> she rode along to see her best friend. Once there, she helped her
> friend ready the horse, all along quietly reminding me she wasn't
schedule this
> lesson and the money it costs and the trouble the teacher went through<snip>
> to get to the barn and what will they think of me and what kind of
> parent will they think I am...]. Admittedly, I cajoled her, working to
> rally her enthusiasm to go... I had to go anyway, to pay the teacher,
-- but instead honored her feelings for that
> moment and kept the role of "mom-as-protector" in her heart.
>
> :) diana
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>