Nanci Kuykendall

>that the underlying principles of unschooling are the

>same for....(all kids).... Talking about how we all
apply >those principles in our very-different
>lives with our unique children is helpful in coming
to a >deeper understanding OF those basic principles.
-pam

I appreciate your comments Pam. That's pretty much
why I shared what I did to begin with, and why I
shared it here. I have been on Shine for quite a
while now, and have had some discussions there that
I've been involved in. It is a very good thing to
have the supportive understanding of a group of folks
with special needs kids who are unschooling, in the
same way as it's a good thing to have the support of
unschooler here.

I'm sure others here can relate, having an atypical
parenting style, to how it gets exhausting to always
have to educate others in social groups or public
setings who come questioning you and to be a poster
child for unschooling and how it can also be so
refreshing to have someone just totally "get it" and
be on the same page with you. It's to a much greater
degree with special needs kids, because it's more
obvious generally and people come up to you in places
like the supermarket and get all sanctimonious and
judgemental on you because they see your apparently
"normal" 9 year old down on the floor having a
tantrum, or hear them speak to you in a way that
others percieve as rude, or because your child is
doing some other thing that irks someone. I know a
number of folks who carry or have recommended to me to
carry a small card to hand people saying that my child
has special needs and I appreciate their patience,
support and understanding (even if those people are
showing none of those things.)

I've been on various other unschooling lists as well.
However bar none this list, Alwayslearning, has been
the best unschooling support list for me all around,
more so than Shine. I've been here since this list
was started (I remember asking why it was so quiet and
being told that no one was here yet, lol - oh!) as a
spinoff from another list, and have always found this
to be an opinionated and honest, fair, sincere and
thoughtful group of folks with a lot of great
experience to share, masterfully lead by Sandra with
her mostly hands off approach to list management.

I wanted to share here how we struggle with the
philisophical and practical applications of our
principles in unschooling our special needs kids, and
I'm glad that I did because I can see that it has so
far been a beneficial discussion to members here both
with and without special needs kids.

I have learned a HUGE, HUGE amount from parenting my
kids and I am so thankful that they are who they are.
No regrets, no searching for "cures" to make them
"normal." On thing I have learned from them is to
relax and not stress over things that a lot of parents
stress over. Our challenges are different and it
really puts things in perspective.

Nanci K.

Pamela Sorooshian

On Jan 5, 2006, at 2:20 PM, Nanci Kuykendall wrote:

>
> I have learned a HUGE, HUGE amount from parenting my
> kids and I am so thankful that they are who they are.

Yes - that comes across loud and clear! It makes me glad - sometimes
my heart just aches so much for all those kids who are thought of
almost entirely in terms of their "problems," and seldom in terms of
their true individuality. I'm so happy that I do know people with
what we might call "quirky" kids of all kinds who are treated as the
whole person that they are - including acceptance of their personal
idiosyncrasies.

> No regrets, no searching for "cures" to make them
> "normal." On thing I have learned from them is to
> relax and not stress over things that a lot of parents
> stress over.

And that's something that we ALL need to do - and I think parents of
less typical kids are sometimes our most outstanding wonderful
examples of this.

> Our challenges are different and it really puts things in perspective.

Yes - and that perspective - those challenges - often provide much
wisdom. I appreciate that you and others are willing to share it.
I've benefitted so much from what I've learned from parents of kids
with more extreme behaviors - my own kids are VERY intense and
probably could have been diagnosed with various things if they'd been
in school. But I've paid attention - when people talk about kids who
have nerves that seem to be quickly rubbed raw in social situations,
for example, I listened to how people helped their kids and supported
them AS THEY ARE. I used much of what I learned with my own kids.

Also - there are so MANY kids with autistic spectrum behaviors - I'm
not sure how anybody these days would not have friends who are
autistic or have autistic kids. Not that it makes anybody responsible
for educating others about it, but that we ALL have a vested interest
in understanding how to relate to people with autistic spectrum
behaviors as the real, complete, wonderful people that they are.

-pam



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luckyroy3

To me, principle based parenting is more about creating a loving atmosphere;whereas rules based parenting focuses on a legalistic set of do's and dont's. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be a "COP." It's just not worth it and the children don't want or need a cop for a mom.