Re: Lazy Teen
[email protected]
Hi,
A friend of mine has a biological child that was successful in making their
family a mess with all of his behavior. My friend tried everything she could
think of, and after a few years of struggle, when she saw the cost to her
marriage and the peace of the rest of the family, she asked her oldest son to
leave their home. He was 18 at the time.
We gathered, as her friends to support her in this difficult decision. We
made her a necklace placing beads on it that were strung on with words of
support and love. We made an identical one for the son.
The son moved out, stayed here and there with friends, went to live in WA
state with his grandparents for a while, got a job, eventually got a truck, an
apt, and a girlfriend. Now it is about 8 years later. He moved back here -
transfering with his job (a grocery store). He is living at home.
He is now a delightful person to live with, stating that he missed so much
in his early years that he wants to have family time now. He spends lots of
time with his younger brother.
I just wanted to point out that sometimes the difficult decisions need peer
support, and that eventually the young person will understand your motivation.
I know that each person/family is different. But I do know that having one
person in the family that won't be co-operative and helpful needs to be
addressed.
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they are
responsible for what happens in their lives. I have tried to help prepare
them for this for their whole life. But I do know that they all work into the
idea that they want to be "adult" as far as the privileges, but aren't as
willing to realize the responsibilities that go along with that. I feel it is
my duty as a parent to help them learn that -----
It is tough, but family life needs to be as safe and peaceful as possible.
This young woman does not seem to be happy living as she is, and she would
probably welcome some drastic changes too, although she may complain about it.
My thoughts,
Connie Colten
_www.homeschoolingreflections.com_ (http://www.homeschoolingreflections.com)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
A friend of mine has a biological child that was successful in making their
family a mess with all of his behavior. My friend tried everything she could
think of, and after a few years of struggle, when she saw the cost to her
marriage and the peace of the rest of the family, she asked her oldest son to
leave their home. He was 18 at the time.
We gathered, as her friends to support her in this difficult decision. We
made her a necklace placing beads on it that were strung on with words of
support and love. We made an identical one for the son.
The son moved out, stayed here and there with friends, went to live in WA
state with his grandparents for a while, got a job, eventually got a truck, an
apt, and a girlfriend. Now it is about 8 years later. He moved back here -
transfering with his job (a grocery store). He is living at home.
He is now a delightful person to live with, stating that he missed so much
in his early years that he wants to have family time now. He spends lots of
time with his younger brother.
I just wanted to point out that sometimes the difficult decisions need peer
support, and that eventually the young person will understand your motivation.
I know that each person/family is different. But I do know that having one
person in the family that won't be co-operative and helpful needs to be
addressed.
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they are
responsible for what happens in their lives. I have tried to help prepare
them for this for their whole life. But I do know that they all work into the
idea that they want to be "adult" as far as the privileges, but aren't as
willing to realize the responsibilities that go along with that. I feel it is
my duty as a parent to help them learn that -----
It is tough, but family life needs to be as safe and peaceful as possible.
This young woman does not seem to be happy living as she is, and she would
probably welcome some drastic changes too, although she may complain about it.
My thoughts,
Connie Colten
_www.homeschoolingreflections.com_ (http://www.homeschoolingreflections.com)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
----Original Message-----
From: conniecolten@...
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they are
responsible for what happens in their lives. I have tried to help prepare
them for this for their whole life. But I do know that they all work into the
idea that they want to be "adult" as far as the privileges, but aren't as
willing to realize the responsibilities that go along with that. I feel it is
my duty as a parent to help them learn that -----
-=-=-=-=-
YIKES!
Cameron turns 18 next month. Although I feel he is certainly capable of handling himself if something were to happen to me and Ben, I could never throw him to the wolves like that.
I know some people are ready and capable of leaving home at 13 or 16 or whatever, but some need more time--as Karen said, to "brown a bit more"---and be ideally ready to move on.
An arbitrary date like his eighteenth birthday? No way!
I think each child is different and should be allowed to move out when ready.
Eighteen? As a matter of course? Huh uh!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: conniecolten@...
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they are
responsible for what happens in their lives. I have tried to help prepare
them for this for their whole life. But I do know that they all work into the
idea that they want to be "adult" as far as the privileges, but aren't as
willing to realize the responsibilities that go along with that. I feel it is
my duty as a parent to help them learn that -----
-=-=-=-=-
YIKES!
Cameron turns 18 next month. Although I feel he is certainly capable of handling himself if something were to happen to me and Ben, I could never throw him to the wolves like that.
I know some people are ready and capable of leaving home at 13 or 16 or whatever, but some need more time--as Karen said, to "brown a bit more"---and be ideally ready to move on.
An arbitrary date like his eighteenth birthday? No way!
I think each child is different and should be allowed to move out when ready.
Eighteen? As a matter of course? Huh uh!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Dec 28, 2005, at 9:54 AM, kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
I had a "yikes!" reaction to the cash-and-out at 18 story too.
A year or so ago I observed my kids for a few hours (something was
going on in which they were all taking responsibility and making
things happen, but I don't recall now what it was) and thought that
they all, right now, could be partners and parents and take care of
themselves if something happened to me and Keith.
A couple of times after I was grown, in my early 20's, I asked my mom
to help me do something and she said something to the idea that if
she wasn't here I would have to do it myself, so I needed to do it
myself. Yeah, but she WAS there.
If Keith wasn't here I would always just get a chair and climb up to
get things from high shelves, but when Keith is here, or Kirby, or
Marty, I ask them to do it. If I weren't here, they would do the
laundry, but I AM here. If Keith died, I'd get my own firewood, but
Keith is alive and likes to get firewood for me.
We have some friends who charge their children rent when they turn
18. That's a mite dishonest; their house payments are no larger than
they were the month before. It's a way to force the kids to get
jobs. On the other hand, at our house, the kids have had jobs before
they're 18 (Kirby at 14, Marty at 15), and we let them keep that money.
Someone near me has one more daughter at home. She's 17. We know
them from La Leche League, and live a few blocks away. There's an
older daughter off in college. The parents divorced, but stayed
three blocks apart so the kids could go back and forth by half weeks
and have both parents near and available. Pretty civilized of them.
The mom said last month, though, that when #2 turns 18, she won't be
getting the child support anymore so the daughter will have to take
care of herself. Three bedroom house, one person living there,
payments won't increase, all these years she hasn't had to support
the daughter financially, and the first month she might need to or
want to, she's declared in advance she won't!
That's not love.
If five isn't the age school must start and six isn't the age
children must read then how does 18 become the age children must leave?
Accepting gradual and natural maturity in the weaning and potty-use
phase, and in the reading and spelling phase, and in the making
choices phases all along prepared me to think kids should leave home
when leaving home seems the right thing to do, and couldn't have been
marked on the calendar in advance.
But that's about MY kids, not my sister's kids.
Sandra
> -=-Cameron turns 18 next month. Although I feel he is certainly==========
> capable of handling himself if something were to happen to me and
> Ben, I could never throw him to the wolves like that. -=-
I had a "yikes!" reaction to the cash-and-out at 18 story too.
A year or so ago I observed my kids for a few hours (something was
going on in which they were all taking responsibility and making
things happen, but I don't recall now what it was) and thought that
they all, right now, could be partners and parents and take care of
themselves if something happened to me and Keith.
A couple of times after I was grown, in my early 20's, I asked my mom
to help me do something and she said something to the idea that if
she wasn't here I would have to do it myself, so I needed to do it
myself. Yeah, but she WAS there.
If Keith wasn't here I would always just get a chair and climb up to
get things from high shelves, but when Keith is here, or Kirby, or
Marty, I ask them to do it. If I weren't here, they would do the
laundry, but I AM here. If Keith died, I'd get my own firewood, but
Keith is alive and likes to get firewood for me.
We have some friends who charge their children rent when they turn
18. That's a mite dishonest; their house payments are no larger than
they were the month before. It's a way to force the kids to get
jobs. On the other hand, at our house, the kids have had jobs before
they're 18 (Kirby at 14, Marty at 15), and we let them keep that money.
Someone near me has one more daughter at home. She's 17. We know
them from La Leche League, and live a few blocks away. There's an
older daughter off in college. The parents divorced, but stayed
three blocks apart so the kids could go back and forth by half weeks
and have both parents near and available. Pretty civilized of them.
The mom said last month, though, that when #2 turns 18, she won't be
getting the child support anymore so the daughter will have to take
care of herself. Three bedroom house, one person living there,
payments won't increase, all these years she hasn't had to support
the daughter financially, and the first month she might need to or
want to, she's declared in advance she won't!
That's not love.
If five isn't the age school must start and six isn't the age
children must read then how does 18 become the age children must leave?
Accepting gradual and natural maturity in the weaning and potty-use
phase, and in the reading and spelling phase, and in the making
choices phases all along prepared me to think kids should leave home
when leaving home seems the right thing to do, and couldn't have been
marked on the calendar in advance.
But that's about MY kids, not my sister's kids.
Sandra
Kathleen Gehrke
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@S...> wrote:
call for money if they needed. They could count on us to help as much
as we were able. We could do the same of them. Yesterday I had to
borrow money from my brother, otherwise I would have overdrafted my
checking.I am 41 and I still need help. That is what my family is for.
My 24 year old has come home several times. He has regrouped and gone
out when he was ready and off to a new adventure. He is currently in
school to be an RN. He is a hubby and a dad. I was incredably proud
that he and his wife and an awesome Christmas as a family. Those two
oldest boys and their wives are sharing a really nice house in CA.
They are learning about community living. My second son has not come
home since he left at 18, but he always knew he could if he wanted or
needed.
I had a friend who's daughter was struggling with an addiction. The
mom said she is 18 she can get her own help. I do not believe in
enabling, but assisting.. It is what I want from the people I love, to
know I can count on them when I am not at my best.
Kathleen
Who believes none of us are islands.
>My kids who are 21 and 24 could come home if they needed. They could
>
> On Dec 28, 2005, at 9:54 AM, kbcdlovejo@a... wrote:
>
> > -=-Cameron turns 18 next month. Although I feel he is certainly
> > capable of handling himself if something were to happen to me and
> > Ben, I could never throw him to the wolves like that. -=-
>
> ==========
>
call for money if they needed. They could count on us to help as much
as we were able. We could do the same of them. Yesterday I had to
borrow money from my brother, otherwise I would have overdrafted my
checking.I am 41 and I still need help. That is what my family is for.
My 24 year old has come home several times. He has regrouped and gone
out when he was ready and off to a new adventure. He is currently in
school to be an RN. He is a hubby and a dad. I was incredably proud
that he and his wife and an awesome Christmas as a family. Those two
oldest boys and their wives are sharing a really nice house in CA.
They are learning about community living. My second son has not come
home since he left at 18, but he always knew he could if he wanted or
needed.
I had a friend who's daughter was struggling with an addiction. The
mom said she is 18 she can get her own help. I do not believe in
enabling, but assisting.. It is what I want from the people I love, to
know I can count on them when I am not at my best.
Kathleen
Who believes none of us are islands.
Gold Standard
Nanci, I wanted to underline the thought that it sounds like Nicole is
screaming for you to put your boundaries up. At the moment she is
floundering. She is thinking of herself only and when that happens, the
others around need to articulate their needs. Hearing a strong woman say the
way she needs it to be in her home, pleasantly and absolutely, will give
Nicole the information and structure she needs to make decisions. You can be
completely understanding of Nicole and who she is during this time without
losing your family's needs.
I also agree that giving her things without expectations from her (like
building her a space) seems to encourage her (selfish?) behavior. What would
happen if you happily said to her, "We need money to make this space for you
and we don't have enough. It really doesn't work to have you living in the
family room. If this living situation is going to work, you'll need to help.
Otherwise, you'll need to figure out another living situation." ? Would she
cooperate, have a spirit of community?
Jacki
screaming for you to put your boundaries up. At the moment she is
floundering. She is thinking of herself only and when that happens, the
others around need to articulate their needs. Hearing a strong woman say the
way she needs it to be in her home, pleasantly and absolutely, will give
Nicole the information and structure she needs to make decisions. You can be
completely understanding of Nicole and who she is during this time without
losing your family's needs.
I also agree that giving her things without expectations from her (like
building her a space) seems to encourage her (selfish?) behavior. What would
happen if you happily said to her, "We need money to make this space for you
and we don't have enough. It really doesn't work to have you living in the
family room. If this living situation is going to work, you'll need to help.
Otherwise, you'll need to figure out another living situation." ? Would she
cooperate, have a spirit of community?
Jacki
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/28/2005 11:03:49 AM Central Standard Time,
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they
are
responsible for what happens in their lives.
~~~
Sandra and Kelly were aghast at this quoted above.
I don't think she said they should leave home. She said they're
responsible. I'd like to know if she kicks them out or makes them pay rent for staying
or what, though.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
I've never had experiences that you are stating, because once my kids turn
18 they receive their lump sum money from their dad and me, and then they
are
responsible for what happens in their lives.
~~~
Sandra and Kelly were aghast at this quoted above.
I don't think she said they should leave home. She said they're
responsible. I'd like to know if she kicks them out or makes them pay rent for staying
or what, though.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]