RE: thoughtfulness and generosity
Krisula Moyer
Sandra Said
made food for someone because you thought they would like it, and then they
did?
Probably everyone here has. That's not unschooling. That's thoughtfulness
and generosity. The best unschoolers I've ever known were thoughtful and
generous with their kids and lots of other people, too.<<
-------------------------
This thought really sums it up. I've been frustrated lately because my
children have seemed particularly snippy and argumentative recently
(especially with each other). So anyway, I finally got some quiet time
today to think it through and it occurred to me that they are getting bored
and unhappy. So this morning I got up and started to think of things I
could offer or strew or instigate ;-) that they would enjoy or that would
seem valuable to them. When they get up I can ask them.
-I know this isn't ground breaking but I do tend to get wrapped up in my own
agenda and forget to be about the business of providing a fun, stimulating
environment for them. My kids really like a lot of my time and attention.
Not just the little one but the 9 and 11 yo too. The difference is, the big
ones will just see how busy I am and not ask for what they would like. I
have to plan a bit to accommodate my own preferences (cleanish house, some
time alone,time to practice my music etc.) and still be attentive to the
need for all of my kids to have access to me and to the things they want
(various lessons, trips to the library, girl scouts, bowling, all kinds of
other things. Many of you sound as though you balance all of this easily
but for me it's a never ending process.
-Krisula
>> Have you ever bought something for your husband or a friend or a siblingbecause you thought they would enjoy it, and then they did? Have you ever
made food for someone because you thought they would like it, and then they
did?
Probably everyone here has. That's not unschooling. That's thoughtfulness
and generosity. The best unschoolers I've ever known were thoughtful and
generous with their kids and lots of other people, too.<<
-------------------------
This thought really sums it up. I've been frustrated lately because my
children have seemed particularly snippy and argumentative recently
(especially with each other). So anyway, I finally got some quiet time
today to think it through and it occurred to me that they are getting bored
and unhappy. So this morning I got up and started to think of things I
could offer or strew or instigate ;-) that they would enjoy or that would
seem valuable to them. When they get up I can ask them.
-I know this isn't ground breaking but I do tend to get wrapped up in my own
agenda and forget to be about the business of providing a fun, stimulating
environment for them. My kids really like a lot of my time and attention.
Not just the little one but the 9 and 11 yo too. The difference is, the big
ones will just see how busy I am and not ask for what they would like. I
have to plan a bit to accommodate my own preferences (cleanish house, some
time alone,time to practice my music etc.) and still be attentive to the
need for all of my kids to have access to me and to the things they want
(various lessons, trips to the library, girl scouts, bowling, all kinds of
other things. Many of you sound as though you balance all of this easily
but for me it's a never ending process.
-Krisula
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/18/2005 10:24:33 A.M. Mountain Standard Time,
krisulam@... writes:
=\=I
have to plan a bit to accommodate my own preferences (cleanish house, some
time alone,time to practice my music etc.) and still be attentive to the
need for all of my kids to have access to me and to the things they want
(various lessons, trips to the library, girl scouts, bowling, all kinds of
other things. Many of you sound as though you balance all of this easily
but for me it's a never ending process.
-=-
==============
There's an inspirational e-mail bit that goes around about getting all the
rocks to fit into the jar. Put the big ones in first. (Summary of long,
artsy story. Apologies to the anonymous author for that.<g>)
It's a priorities deal. And different days can have different priorities.
Life's not homogenous, but if we keep concentrating on the little stuff,
there's no hole big enough for the big stuff.
Big stuff first,and for me my big thing until my kids are grown is the kids.
Seasonally, I'll have some other "big thing." If a friend has an emergency
need and I spend time with her, my kids understand. They know I'll get back
to them.
Lately I am a failure to finish Kirby's shower. I'm up to the grout-sealing
and teensy detail stuff. I should just go and do that. Really.
So I try to do something special or particular with each kid each day if I
can. Yesterday I made sure Marty's favorite clothes were clean and delivered,
and I made a fancy hog-dog buffet (lots of toppings, chili in a crock-pot,
lots of chips, plates and napkins out...) for his role-playing game guys. I
watched the episodes of 24 we had taped, with Kirby, for four hours. Holly
and I hung out and talked about games and computers and how she feels about
her brothers (positive conversation this time) and I felt her hair. She likes
people to mess with her hair, so I stroked it and admired it, and I rubbed
her head where the really short hair is in back. I think it kind of tickles
her, and it feels good to have a little head massage.
It wasn't big-deal stuff, but I wanted them to go to sleep feeling that it
was a good day. And I had the good-day feeling too.
Oh! And I had heated up the hot tub (my favorite toy for many years, a
wood-fired hot-tub we got in December) for Keith, so he could get in when he got
back from work. I was happy, having shut the stove up when it reached 104
degree. Ooops, though... when he got home it was 110, and it had to cool down
before he could use it. Still, he felt good that it was hot when he came
home, and it made me feel good that he got to soak his arm and relax (after a
few hours. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
krisulam@... writes:
=\=I
have to plan a bit to accommodate my own preferences (cleanish house, some
time alone,time to practice my music etc.) and still be attentive to the
need for all of my kids to have access to me and to the things they want
(various lessons, trips to the library, girl scouts, bowling, all kinds of
other things. Many of you sound as though you balance all of this easily
but for me it's a never ending process.
-=-
==============
There's an inspirational e-mail bit that goes around about getting all the
rocks to fit into the jar. Put the big ones in first. (Summary of long,
artsy story. Apologies to the anonymous author for that.<g>)
It's a priorities deal. And different days can have different priorities.
Life's not homogenous, but if we keep concentrating on the little stuff,
there's no hole big enough for the big stuff.
Big stuff first,and for me my big thing until my kids are grown is the kids.
Seasonally, I'll have some other "big thing." If a friend has an emergency
need and I spend time with her, my kids understand. They know I'll get back
to them.
Lately I am a failure to finish Kirby's shower. I'm up to the grout-sealing
and teensy detail stuff. I should just go and do that. Really.
So I try to do something special or particular with each kid each day if I
can. Yesterday I made sure Marty's favorite clothes were clean and delivered,
and I made a fancy hog-dog buffet (lots of toppings, chili in a crock-pot,
lots of chips, plates and napkins out...) for his role-playing game guys. I
watched the episodes of 24 we had taped, with Kirby, for four hours. Holly
and I hung out and talked about games and computers and how she feels about
her brothers (positive conversation this time) and I felt her hair. She likes
people to mess with her hair, so I stroked it and admired it, and I rubbed
her head where the really short hair is in back. I think it kind of tickles
her, and it feels good to have a little head massage.
It wasn't big-deal stuff, but I wanted them to go to sleep feeling that it
was a good day. And I had the good-day feeling too.
Oh! And I had heated up the hot tub (my favorite toy for many years, a
wood-fired hot-tub we got in December) for Keith, so he could get in when he got
back from work. I was happy, having shut the stove up when it reached 104
degree. Ooops, though... when he got home it was 110, and it had to cool down
before he could use it. Still, he felt good that it was hot when he came
home, and it made me feel good that he got to soak his arm and relax (after a
few hours. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Elizabeth Hill
**
My kids really like a lot of my time and attention.
Not just the little one but the 9 and 11 yo too. The difference is, the big
ones will just see how busy I am and not ask for what they would like.**
Yes! I'm glad you mentioned it because I caught it happening it my house. Son (10) was moping around bored while dad was playing a videogame. Apparently, because dad has been so tired lately, son was (considerately) thinking that "he shouldn't bother him." I already knew that my son was very considerate when his dad was napping, but didn't think about him exerting himself to be considerate and (ow) self-effacing when his dad was awake. I think I was a little slow on the uptake.
My son is a lot more *selective* about what he wants to do than when he was little. He doesn't dance with joy (anymore) at every offer I make. But just because he turns down many of my suggestions DOESN'T mean that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He just has a more specific set of possibilities in mind than he used to. Because I started to worry about how little time we spent together (dad being greatly preferred when available), I got a little clearer in my priorities. Now if he wants to be read to or play a game immediately, I (really try) to drop what I'm doing and jump to it.
Betsy
My kids really like a lot of my time and attention.
Not just the little one but the 9 and 11 yo too. The difference is, the big
ones will just see how busy I am and not ask for what they would like.**
Yes! I'm glad you mentioned it because I caught it happening it my house. Son (10) was moping around bored while dad was playing a videogame. Apparently, because dad has been so tired lately, son was (considerately) thinking that "he shouldn't bother him." I already knew that my son was very considerate when his dad was napping, but didn't think about him exerting himself to be considerate and (ow) self-effacing when his dad was awake. I think I was a little slow on the uptake.
My son is a lot more *selective* about what he wants to do than when he was little. He doesn't dance with joy (anymore) at every offer I make. But just because he turns down many of my suggestions DOESN'T mean that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He just has a more specific set of possibilities in mind than he used to. Because I started to worry about how little time we spent together (dad being greatly preferred when available), I got a little clearer in my priorities. Now if he wants to be read to or play a game immediately, I (really try) to drop what I'm doing and jump to it.
Betsy
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/18/2005 11:47:43 A.M. Mountain Standard Time,
ecsamhill@... writes:
My son is a lot more *selective* about what he wants to do than when he was
little. He doesn't dance with joy (anymore) at every offer I make. But just
because he turns down many of my suggestions DOESN'T mean that he doesn't
want to spend time with me.
--------------
Oooh.
I think that curve continues into adulthood.
There are a few things Kirby wants to do with me or share with me, and lots
he doesn't. That's up from EVERYthing when he was little.
Holly's just at 13 coming into not needing me or my approval or my attention
or my notice all the time. She still sometimes does. I'd be worried if she
were the first one, but with the third time it's not as scary or sad.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ecsamhill@... writes:
My son is a lot more *selective* about what he wants to do than when he was
little. He doesn't dance with joy (anymore) at every offer I make. But just
because he turns down many of my suggestions DOESN'T mean that he doesn't
want to spend time with me.
--------------
Oooh.
I think that curve continues into adulthood.
There are a few things Kirby wants to do with me or share with me, and lots
he doesn't. That's up from EVERYthing when he was little.
Holly's just at 13 coming into not needing me or my approval or my attention
or my notice all the time. She still sometimes does. I'd be worried if she
were the first one, but with the third time it's not as scary or sad.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/18/2005 1:02:57 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
**Big stuff first,and for me my big thing until my kids are grown is the
kids**
This was a good reminder for me today. I've been caught up with a family
crisis and trying to get people to the airport, decide on when I need to leave
to join family in New Mexico, getting Brenna ready for a trip and not paying
any attention to Logan.
He is very self-sufficient and doesn't ask for much but I just needed to
take some time and focus on him. After I read this e-mail I went in and asked
if there is anything he'd like to do.
We came up with going to the Puppy Store and petting puppies and then
playing some arcade games for awhile. His cousin is going with us and Brenna asked
to go too.
He knows that I'm very preoccupied and was so happy that we can find the
time to do this.
Stephen Covey was the first person I ever heard talk about fitting the rocks
in the jar. It made so much sense. I sometimes just need that little
reminder that my kids are the "big stuff".
Off to pet puppies...
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
**Big stuff first,and for me my big thing until my kids are grown is the
kids**
This was a good reminder for me today. I've been caught up with a family
crisis and trying to get people to the airport, decide on when I need to leave
to join family in New Mexico, getting Brenna ready for a trip and not paying
any attention to Logan.
He is very self-sufficient and doesn't ask for much but I just needed to
take some time and focus on him. After I read this e-mail I went in and asked
if there is anything he'd like to do.
We came up with going to the Puppy Store and petting puppies and then
playing some arcade games for awhile. His cousin is going with us and Brenna asked
to go too.
He knows that I'm very preoccupied and was so happy that we can find the
time to do this.
Stephen Covey was the first person I ever heard talk about fitting the rocks
in the jar. It made so much sense. I sometimes just need that little
reminder that my kids are the "big stuff".
Off to pet puppies...
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]