r_maruniak

I've never posted here before, so I hope you won't mind if I ask you
all a question.

First of all, I have 3 children - oldest is only 5. I think my kids
have perfectly fine social skills for their age, but we don't
socialize as often as most people. My kids are actually quite
outgoing, but prefer to visit with only a couple of kids at a time.
This seems quite acceptable to me - I feel the same way myself and I
consider this quite normal.

Unfortunately, we haven't cultivated a whole lot of friends to date.
My daughter has one best friend and one friend she just tolerates. I
always leave it up to her whether or not to continue the latter
friendship, of course. I am good friends with both mothers. We have
opportunities to make other friends through the local homeschool
group but,(and here's the kicker) I'm just too tired lately to get
out much with the kids, or to have anyone over to our house. Isn't
that sad!?!

My question is--do you think my kids can survive this isolation for
another year or so? My two oldest play wonderfully together, so I'm
hoping that will be good enough until my youngest finally lets me
sleep through the night. I'd just be happy to hear from anyone who
has been through a similar stage.

Thanks so much,

Renee

Eric Donato

Hi Renee,

I was in a similar position with 3 kids 5 and under, the littlest was
newborn... I tried to do too much and ended up resenting everything,
even the fun stuff we picked ourselves... there was not enough of me to
go around outside of surviving... when I look back at the past 3 years,
I see that we are doing less each year, but it is more meaningful...
each person in our group gets to say how we feel and how important the
activity seems, then we kind of compromise and take turns giving in...
it seems to work with verbal kids, but not babies and toddlers... my
ideas about myself and what I need to do are close to the ground, it's
realistic, but it has been very difficult for me to change, basically
we came screeching to a grinding halt last year and I spent much time
thinking, and not talking about what I think/ want, it was good for
me... I like us better when I am sane...

Jules.

ps, we don't have many kid friends, one or two per sibling like you...
more grown ups are in our favorite people group... the friends we
started with all went to school, and the homeschool group are not for
us for various reasons... we meet a lot of kids at the beach, at the
park, at the library, in after school classes and in community rec
sports...

On Sep 17, 2004, at 11:25 AM, r_maruniak wrote:

> I've never posted here before, so I hope you won't mind if I ask you
> all a question.
>
> First of all, I have 3 children - oldest is only 5.  I think my kids
> have perfectly fine social skills for their age, but we don't
> socialize as often as most people.  My kids are actually quite
> outgoing, but prefer to visit with only a couple of kids at a time. 
> This seems quite acceptable to me - I feel the same way myself and I
> consider this quite normal.
>
> Unfortunately, we haven't cultivated a whole lot of friends to date. 
> My daughter has one best friend and one friend she just tolerates.  I
> always leave it up to her whether or not to continue the latter
> friendship, of course.  I am good friends with both mothers.  We have
> opportunities to make other friends through the local homeschool
> group but,(and here's the kicker) I'm just too tired lately to get
> out much with the kids, or to have anyone over to our house.  Isn't
> that sad!?!
>
> My question is--do you think my kids can survive this isolation for
> another year or so?  My two oldest play wonderfully together, so I'm
> hoping that will be good enough until my youngest finally lets me
> sleep through the night.  I'd just be happy to hear from anyone who
> has been through a similar stage.
>
> Thanks so much,
>
> Renee
>
>
>
>
>
>
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Gold Standard

>>First of all, I have 3 children - oldest is only 5. I think my kids
>>have perfectly fine social skills for their age, but we don't
>>socialize as often as most people. My kids are actually quite
>>outgoing, but prefer to visit with only a couple of kids at a time.
>>This seems quite acceptable to me - I feel the same way myself and I
>>consider this quite normal.


I had four children with the oldest being five ten years ago, and we didn't
do much of anything outside our home. When we did it was a walk to the park,
or the corner store, and that usually was the limit of what we all wanted to
do in a day together (picture: one mom, three toddlers, one baby...the
navigation alone was an event!). At home, there was constant activity, and I
have no memory of even a moment that anyone seemed to need anything more
socially than what we had going on. Are your children acting like or saying
they want something more socially?

Socializing outside our family seemed to come more when the children were
better able to plan. They'd ask me in the park to write someone's phone
number down and we'd call to arrange a play date, or they would ask
specifically to get together with a family that had kids they gelled with.
There were a couple of moms I liked and would put some effort into getting
us all together. But my memories of the period of time that you are talking
about are mostly at home, keeping everyone safe and happy, delighting in the
things they came up with (my first two were 14 months apart and played
together nonstop as well) and resting any moment I could. I do remember
feeling tired all of the time too.

There is a lot of time for socializing. And they already are socializing
with each other! Many families don't get to have the live-in playmates that
your family has. Do you think that they will let you know what more they
want as they get a little older?

>>My question is--do you think my kids can survive this isolation for
another year or so?<<

Absolutely!

Jacki






Yahoo! Groups Links

Nichole, ubiquitous

On Sep 17, 2004, at 11:25 AM, r_maruniak wrote:


> First of all, I have 3 children - oldest is only 5. I think my kids
> have perfectly fine social skills for their age, but we don't
> socialize as often as most people. My kids are actually quite
> outgoing, but prefer to visit with only a couple of kids at a time.
> This seems quite acceptable to me - I feel the same way myself and I
> consider this quite normal.
>
> Unfortunately, we haven't cultivated a whole lot of friends to date.
> My daughter has one best friend and one friend she just tolerates.


Hi Renee,

My family is just starting this 'phase.' We recently (3 weeks ago) moved to the Dallas area from the Austin area. In Austin we had lots of friends of all ages, and a great unschooling community. Now, here, we have lots of opportunities to be in different unschooling-heavy groups/organizations/activities/park days, but my daughter doesn't want to participate. She has always been the social butterfly. She gets along and likes everyone from newborns to 97 year-olds and all the ages in between, but suddenly she doesn't want to go out. She's not depressed. She's just as happy as she's ever been. She now lives in a house instead of an apartment. Occasionally she has said things about making new friends and we'll discuss the options and requirements (like meeting times) and then she goes off to do something. Later I'll bring it up and she'll say she's still getting used to her new house. So, I'm trying not to push it. I'm enjoying the time we're spending together, but I must admit that I miss the camaraderie of the unschooling moms once a week at park days.

More to your concern, I think you should let your kids be your guide in this. Offer different opportunities as you come to learn about them, but let the children decide if they'd like to partake. When something strikes their fancy, they'll want to participate. Don't worry.

Nichole
Margaux (7)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

r_maruniak

Thanks very much for responding to my post. Your insights have been
helpful.

> I had four children with the oldest being five ten years ago, and
we didn't
> do much of anything outside our home. When we did it was a walk to
the park,
> or the corner store, and that usually was the limit of what we all
wanted to
> do in a day together

This is what we do as well.

>Are your children acting like or saying
> they want something more socially?

My 5 year daughter is asking for a little more. Not a lot more, but
a little.
>
> Socializing outside our family seemed to come more when the
children were
> better able to plan. They'd ask me in the park to write someone's
phone
> number down and we'd call to arrange a play date, or they would ask
> specifically to get together with a family that had kids they
gelled with.
> There were a couple of moms I liked and would put some effort into
getting
> us all together.

I get along quite well with a couple of moms, but I would like to
find some kids who are a bit more compatible with my daughter. What
we really need right now is a little more variety. My daughter is
very outgoing one-to-one, but I'm not sure her current friends are a
good fit. Hopefully, we will get out there a bit more and find some
new friends.

Thanks to everyone who responded. Your time is much appreciated.

Renee

r_maruniak

Thanks a lot for your reply.

> ps, we don't have many kid friends, one or two per sibling like
you...
> more grown ups are in our favorite people group... the friends we
> started with all went to school, and the homeschool group are not
for
> us for various reasons... we meet a lot of kids at the beach, at
the
> park, at the library, in after school classes and in community rec
> sports...
>
This sounds a lot like us, too. My kids love the grown ups in their
lives and some of their best social experiences have been at the
playground with whoever happened to be there. I guess it all counts,
doesn't it? I should try not to worry. After all, they seem pretty
happy - just the occassional complaining. ;-)

Thanks again!

Renee

mamaaj2000

--- In [email protected], "r_maruniak" <rmaruniak@s...>
wrote:
> >
> This sounds a lot like us, too. My kids love the grown ups in
their
> lives and some of their best social experiences have been at the
> playground with whoever happened to be there. I guess it all
counts,
> doesn't it? I should try not to worry. After all, they seem
pretty
> happy - just the occassional complaining. ;-)


Renee, I've been going through something similar and I was going to
say about the same things! Sometimes just chatting with the people in
stores is enough "socializing" for us in a day. I'm trying really
hard to not think about anything other than what do we need today.

We went from having neighbors we saw almost daily and going to an
exercise class 3 times a week (exercise for me, that is, with
babysitting the kids really enjoyed) to mostly being at home--I'm
pregnant and feeling rotten. Sometimes the kids are do get stir crazy
and then we get out, but other times they are happy and I don't need
to worry about it at the moment. I'm focusing on them--I swear, if I
look directly at them and maintain eye contact it's harder to worry
about the past or future and I just enjoy the moment and can see what
they need right now.

And like you said in your original post, my two have been playing so
happily together, which is a whole lot of "socialization" isn't it? i
think the only thing they are really lacking at the moment is more
physical play. Now that the weather is cooling off, it's easier to be
outside in the late afternoon when I have more energy, so we'll be
getting out more when the neighborhood kids are home from school
(which is a mixed blessing).

--aj