mozafamily

I think a turning point was when he was running through the post
office screaming at me that he hated me and that he didn't want me
for a mom anymore all this with no known cause so then I told him
that I couldn't take him to the library to look for a video he
wanted because I felt I couldn't trust him not to act that same way
in the library, then he had a huge tantrum over not getting his way
about that and was screaming at me until he noticed that I was
crying also and had tears dripping down my cheeks and he
asked "what's wrong mom?" And I told him that when he yelled at me
like that it was like he was hitting me hard, that it hurt when he
said those things. It was like an immediate light bulb went off in
his head and he starts telling me that he didn't mean those things
and that he doesn't want to hurt me and we gave each other a hug. I
think the day before (when I wrote the origional post) that he was
hungry and wasn't recognizing it, as well as possibly somewhat sleep
deprived as well as allergy season seems to have really hit him this
year, that night after he ate supper he went and laid down and went
to sleep about 3 hours earlier than usual! So anyhow I think that
perhaps mabye the worst part is over, he hasn't screamed at me like
that since hug so I can only hope we are going to a higher level of
communication. It's not going to be perfect but I think we are
making progress! I think him seeing my real feelings actually helped
us both a lot. Anyhow thanks to everyone who advised - I appreciate
it so much!!! Moza

Kris Kris

Hi Moza

You've described my guy, Jonathan 6, fairly well. I'm
happy that things are going better now. Be prepared
if they seem to revert back for a while. My daughter,
Lanora 13, has been one of my best reminders that
things are truly improving, even when J takes a spiral
down for a bit. He has long periods where I am
convinced it's all over and can hardly remember what
it was like, then he will have a bad period. Lanora
reminds me to not over-react.

The best thing I can do for myself and for J is to
keep myself centered, think ahead about how to react
and hold the image of who I know he really is in my
mind. It has also helped my stress level a LOT by
talking with other moms and learning that I'm not
alone, there are so many of us who are dealing with
children who have temperaments like ours.

Oh, and one more thing, something that has helped the
most with J has been humor. We began a game, when he
calls me 'stupid' or says 'shut up' I tickle him. He
made up the second half of the game which is that he
has to say, 'I love you, mommy' to make me stop. It
diffused the power of the words and gave him an out
for a moment that may have escalated emotionally.

Lanora and I, both, will withdraw our willingness to
play if he becomes too rude or aggressive. He LIVES
to have us play with him so this has been a good
motivator to be more pleasant and self-controlled. I
believe it's a natural consequence of unsocial
behavior.

I have a friend with a 23 year old son who tells me
that he was just like Jonathan. Ben is very nice,
open, pleasant and personable now, it was such a good
thing for me to hear. She says that she used to have
to sit on him to keep him from harming himself or
others when he was J's age, one would never know that
about him now. However, she says he still has to put
real effort into empathy, to understand how others
think and feel. He genuinely likes people but empathy
doesn't come naturally, perhaps it's the hallmark of
this kind of child. Just because it's not natural
doesn't mean it isn't important to them or that they
can't learn how to understand.

Kris

--- mozafamily <mozafamily@...> wrote:

> I think a turning point was when he was running
> through the post
> office screaming at me that he hated me and that he
> didn't want me
> for a mom anymore all this with no known cause so
> then I told him
> that I couldn't take him to the library to look for
> a video he
> wanted because I felt I couldn't trust him not to
> act that same way
> in the library, then he had a huge tantrum over not
> getting his way
> about that and was screaming at me until he noticed
> that I was
> crying also and had tears dripping down my cheeks
> and he
> asked "what's wrong mom?" And I told him that when
> he yelled at me
> like that it was like he was hitting me hard, that
> it hurt when he
> said those things. It was like an immediate light
> bulb went off in
> his head and he starts telling me that he didn't
> mean those things
> and that he doesn't want to hurt me and we gave each
> other a hug. I
> think the day before (when I wrote the origional
> post) that he was
> hungry and wasn't recognizing it, as well as
> possibly somewhat sleep
> deprived as well as allergy season seems to have
> really hit him this
> year, that night after he ate supper he went and
> laid down and went
> to sleep about 3 hours earlier than usual! So anyhow
> I think that
> perhaps mabye the worst part is over, he hasn't
> screamed at me like
> that since hug so I can only hope we are going to a
> higher level of
> communication. It's not going to be perfect but I
> think we are
> making progress! I think him seeing my real feelings
> actually helped
> us both a lot. Anyhow thanks to everyone who advised
> - I appreciate
> it so much!!! Moza
>
>




__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - Send 10MB messages!
http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail

mozafamily

I think (or hope) perhaps that because I try and let my child
come to his own conculsions for the most part that those
conclusions, or what he "learns" is very valuable to him. He is one
of those kids who never seems to slowly learn something, it's like
he can't do it, he can't do it, he can't do it no matter how hard
anyone tries to "teach" him, then all of a sudden, usually when no
one expects it - He's doing it!
So I think that perhaps this one one of those learning
experiences that he just didn't realize how much the yelling and
hitting was actually hurting me and he seems to really get it now!
Today we went into a convenience store for a soda (my only bad
habbit, I know it's corn syrup but I like my soda!) and as we were
headed out the door he said something like "you're just stupid mom!"
and I told him that what he said hurt me, he said then he was
just "teasing with me" so I told him if he wants to just "tease"
with me to call me "silly" or "funny" or something more like that
because those are words you can "tease" with and and not hurt
someone. Then I asked him why he called me stupid (normally I would
have probably asked him why he did it first, but I've been so hurt
by his name calling lately I just blurted it out) and he said he was
just teasing so I said, "well you're silly!" and gave him a big kiss
to let him know I was teasing him. We'll probably go over the actual
meaning of stupid at some point so he can use it in a more correct
manner, but for now I'm happy that that was our only "clash" of the
day and we both came out of it feeling good. Since my son isn't
yelled at or hit, or pulled around, etc. by me or other family
members when he does something "incorrect", and now he understands
for himself why it's important not to treat people this way, I think
things between us are going to be a lot better, I swear a light bulb
went off in his head!
I think lots of kids who are punished when they do something
wrong, probably don't actually know the correct way, but they know
what to do to not be punished. So yeah, some people might think the
way my 6yo acts may not be "acting as well as he should for his age"
but I need to put my trust in that he is acting as well as he
understands and he is learning more (not being coersed, or told to,
but actually learning) all the time.
I am babbling now but I have had such a circle of thinking this
month that a few days ago I was ready to give up the unschooling /
taking children seriously/ natural learning (whatever you wanna call
it!) approach because things were just getting so bad and now I
wouldn't think of doing anything differently! Just had to share -
Thanks again for everyone's support! Moza

eriksmama2001

Another thing to consider is constitutional homeopathy. It helps with
these type of allergy and emotional issues. I have seen it help all
members of my family, significantly. I don't understand it all though.

Pat--- In [email protected], "mozafamily"
<mozafamily@y...> wrote:
> I think a turning point was when he was running through the post
> office screaming at me that he hated me and that he didn't want me
> for a mom anymore all this with no known cause so then I told him
> that I couldn't take him to the library to look for a video he
> wanted because I felt I couldn't trust him not to act that same way
> in the library, then he had a huge tantrum over not getting his way
> about that and was screaming at me until he noticed that I was
> crying also and had tears dripping down my cheeks and he
> asked "what's wrong mom?" And I told him that when he yelled at me
> like that it was like he was hitting me hard, that it hurt when he
> said those things. It was like an immediate light bulb went off in
> his head and he starts telling me that he didn't mean those things
> and that he doesn't want to hurt me and we gave each other a hug. I
> think the day before (when I wrote the origional post) that he was
> hungry and wasn't recognizing it, as well as possibly somewhat
sleep
> deprived as well as allergy season seems to have really hit him
this
> year, that night after he ate supper he went and laid down and went
> to sleep about 3 hours earlier than usual! So anyhow I think that
> perhaps mabye the worst part is over, he hasn't screamed at me like
> that since hug so I can only hope we are going to a higher level of
> communication. It's not going to be perfect but I think we are
> making progress! I think him seeing my real feelings actually
helped
> us both a lot. Anyhow thanks to everyone who advised - I appreciate
> it so much!!! Moza