choices
kay alina
I so wish to be close to these two people in my life, but their
negativity and emotional and energy draining behaviors are making it
next to impossible. I know this is there choice, but I am not sure
what my choices should be? Do I keep trying to brainstorm with them
in an attempt to "convert" them over to choice and freedom? Or do I
make the choice to give up these relationships?
**************************************************
The above situation seemed to be a life theme for me for about four years
running. I learned distancing for me was the best choice. I also realized
the comfort level
for some is victomhood. It is their source of power. It is their
attachment to the reasons
behind why they are where they are. They are not looking for a way out of
it. They are
not seeking answers or help. When confronted with the possibility of choice
they attack
and accuse others of "yes but, you just don't understand. My case is
different. That
would never work for me. blah, blah, blah." Accepting others for who they
are and not
attempting to change them or pull them out of their life condition was a big
awakening
for me. It involved really letting go. It involved walking away from
several relationships.
I made a decision to surround myself with others who were not comfortable
with chaos.
I actually made a list of traits I wanted in my friends and chaos was not
included.
Kay
negativity and emotional and energy draining behaviors are making it
next to impossible. I know this is there choice, but I am not sure
what my choices should be? Do I keep trying to brainstorm with them
in an attempt to "convert" them over to choice and freedom? Or do I
make the choice to give up these relationships?
**************************************************
The above situation seemed to be a life theme for me for about four years
running. I learned distancing for me was the best choice. I also realized
the comfort level
for some is victomhood. It is their source of power. It is their
attachment to the reasons
behind why they are where they are. They are not looking for a way out of
it. They are
not seeking answers or help. When confronted with the possibility of choice
they attack
and accuse others of "yes but, you just don't understand. My case is
different. That
would never work for me. blah, blah, blah." Accepting others for who they
are and not
attempting to change them or pull them out of their life condition was a big
awakening
for me. It involved really letting go. It involved walking away from
several relationships.
I made a decision to surround myself with others who were not comfortable
with chaos.
I actually made a list of traits I wanted in my friends and chaos was not
included.
Kay
Patti
Kay,
WOW!!
Powerful observations, and SO true!
This is what I am having to do. The thing I am most concerned with
is that in divorcing my husband, that the judge in CA here will make
me place my children back into "school", as I have heard that judges
do not look to kindly on homeschoolers and I do not have the money
behind me to fight him in court.
I cannot seem to make him see, not to change him, but to just agree
to the fact that in a divorce that I can still homeschool.
Therefore, rather than fight him, I have just elected to stay
married to him in "name only" until the children are of age (this
looking to be about 12 years) and then I can divorce him. This will
still give me the freedom to unschool (life learn) with the kids.
Yes, I went through a seminar three years ago, that gave me what you
wrote here a REAL hard look a that. I am not the same person I was 3
years ago, although my husband chooses not to see that. He is still
stuck in the past and views me in that way, as in the past I admit,
I was a person who thought "If only I could change him". I was young
and naive in the earlier years of our marriage I know.
3 years ago was as you said, a real wake up call. And I have grown
so much since then. This journey to unschooling too has made me
grown SO much as well, so much of that I am not able to share with
him because he will not allow me. He as as you said Kay, in that
victimhood, his payoff of saying he is the victim all the time, when
he is not in integrity with me and lies and hurts the boys and I.
And the boys see this, I do not need to tell them anything. They see
for themselves his lies and his lack of responsibility and lack of
integrity and how he is not willing to share all of the wonder and
awe of unschooling with me.
I know now that because of all of this, that I must walk away from
this relationship and move on with my life. I have tried to reach
him but after the events of this past weekend, I just cannot seem to
and know what it is I need to do. I had hoped to be able to finish
my book I am writing about life learning and to have set up a
private ISP here, but it looks as if I will be moving due to the
current circumstances and alas there will be no book. I am not
currently working and I now have to find a way to continue to
unschool and bring in income for my family, as the trust between him
and I is now gone forever and the marriage is going to be "in name
only" from this point forward. I cannot rely on the fact that he
will continue to support us after the events of this weekend. And I
cannot go after any for of support in a divorce because it would
mean the kids will have to go back to school and for their happiness
and emotional well being, we all know they are far better off
unschooling despite what he says (or my family for the matter, he
has now spoken to them today in an attempt to try and get them on
his side of which my parents are no for homeschooling let alone
unschooling, you should see the ridiculous email my father sent me.
Completely emotionally abusive and no basis for fact in
homeschooling. I should post what he wrote on here so everyone could
see what a ridiculous email it was) I can only hope he will do the
right thing by his boys, but I do not know.
Thank you Kay for your words of wisdom, they have been mirroring my
thoughts, observations, and path. I guess I just needed another
voice to say it to know what it is I must now do.
Patti and the boys (Chris 13, Matthew 7, Anthony 6)
Life Long Learning Academy
http://www.life-long-learning-4-all.com/index.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Inclusivity/
"For no matter where knowledge and learning come from - no matter
what shape, size, or dimension it assumes - it still is what it is,
knowledge and learning. Therefore knowledge and learning should
always be embraced." ~ unknown
--- In [email protected], "kay alina"
<angelsguard@s...> wrote:
WOW!!
Powerful observations, and SO true!
This is what I am having to do. The thing I am most concerned with
is that in divorcing my husband, that the judge in CA here will make
me place my children back into "school", as I have heard that judges
do not look to kindly on homeschoolers and I do not have the money
behind me to fight him in court.
I cannot seem to make him see, not to change him, but to just agree
to the fact that in a divorce that I can still homeschool.
Therefore, rather than fight him, I have just elected to stay
married to him in "name only" until the children are of age (this
looking to be about 12 years) and then I can divorce him. This will
still give me the freedom to unschool (life learn) with the kids.
Yes, I went through a seminar three years ago, that gave me what you
wrote here a REAL hard look a that. I am not the same person I was 3
years ago, although my husband chooses not to see that. He is still
stuck in the past and views me in that way, as in the past I admit,
I was a person who thought "If only I could change him". I was young
and naive in the earlier years of our marriage I know.
3 years ago was as you said, a real wake up call. And I have grown
so much since then. This journey to unschooling too has made me
grown SO much as well, so much of that I am not able to share with
him because he will not allow me. He as as you said Kay, in that
victimhood, his payoff of saying he is the victim all the time, when
he is not in integrity with me and lies and hurts the boys and I.
And the boys see this, I do not need to tell them anything. They see
for themselves his lies and his lack of responsibility and lack of
integrity and how he is not willing to share all of the wonder and
awe of unschooling with me.
I know now that because of all of this, that I must walk away from
this relationship and move on with my life. I have tried to reach
him but after the events of this past weekend, I just cannot seem to
and know what it is I need to do. I had hoped to be able to finish
my book I am writing about life learning and to have set up a
private ISP here, but it looks as if I will be moving due to the
current circumstances and alas there will be no book. I am not
currently working and I now have to find a way to continue to
unschool and bring in income for my family, as the trust between him
and I is now gone forever and the marriage is going to be "in name
only" from this point forward. I cannot rely on the fact that he
will continue to support us after the events of this weekend. And I
cannot go after any for of support in a divorce because it would
mean the kids will have to go back to school and for their happiness
and emotional well being, we all know they are far better off
unschooling despite what he says (or my family for the matter, he
has now spoken to them today in an attempt to try and get them on
his side of which my parents are no for homeschooling let alone
unschooling, you should see the ridiculous email my father sent me.
Completely emotionally abusive and no basis for fact in
homeschooling. I should post what he wrote on here so everyone could
see what a ridiculous email it was) I can only hope he will do the
right thing by his boys, but I do not know.
Thank you Kay for your words of wisdom, they have been mirroring my
thoughts, observations, and path. I guess I just needed another
voice to say it to know what it is I must now do.
Patti and the boys (Chris 13, Matthew 7, Anthony 6)
Life Long Learning Academy
http://www.life-long-learning-4-all.com/index.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Inclusivity/
"For no matter where knowledge and learning come from - no matter
what shape, size, or dimension it assumes - it still is what it is,
knowledge and learning. Therefore knowledge and learning should
always be embraced." ~ unknown
--- In [email protected], "kay alina"
<angelsguard@s...> wrote:
>it
> I so wish to be close to these two people in my life, but their
> negativity and emotional and energy draining behaviors are making
> next to impossible. I know this is there choice, but I am not surefour years
> what my choices should be? Do I keep trying to brainstorm with them
> in an attempt to "convert" them over to choice and freedom? Or do I
> make the choice to give up these relationships?
>
> **************************************************
>
> The above situation seemed to be a life theme for me for about
> running. I learned distancing for me was the best choice. I alsorealized
> the comfort levelway out of
> for some is victomhood. It is their source of power. It is their
> attachment to the reasons
> behind why they are where they are. They are not looking for a
> it. They areof choice
> not seeking answers or help. When confronted with the possibility
> they attackis
> and accuse others of "yes but, you just don't understand. My case
> different. Thatwho they
> would never work for me. blah, blah, blah." Accepting others for
> are and notwas a big
> attempting to change them or pull them out of their life condition
> awakeningfrom
> for me. It involved really letting go. It involved walking away
> several relationships.comfortable
> I made a decision to surround myself with others who were not
> with chaos.was not
> I actually made a list of traits I wanted in my friends and chaos
> included.
> Kay
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/27/2004 10:02:51 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
Diamondlady1025@... writes:
you should see the ridiculous email my father sent me.
Completely emotionally abusive and no basis for fact in
homeschooling. I should post what he wrote on here so everyone could
see what a ridiculous email it was)
=========
Sorry to hear you got crazy e-mail, but please do NOT post it here. Thanks.
It won't help others unschool.
Another consideration if you have a six year old.
He might need two parents more than you need to be right about something.
Marriage counselling might do your kids more good than unschooling will.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Diamondlady1025@... writes:
you should see the ridiculous email my father sent me.
Completely emotionally abusive and no basis for fact in
homeschooling. I should post what he wrote on here so everyone could
see what a ridiculous email it was)
=========
Sorry to hear you got crazy e-mail, but please do NOT post it here. Thanks.
It won't help others unschool.
Another consideration if you have a six year old.
He might need two parents more than you need to be right about something.
Marriage counselling might do your kids more good than unschooling will.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
eriksmama2001
I agree, I have learned more in counseling about myself and my part
in how I react to people and relationships. I know that my
relationship with my child's father will continue whether we are
married or not. It is easier to avoid issues in the short run, but
they do not go away. They only get larger until delt with directly.
Consider reading The Dance of Anger about limit setting and choosing
our reations to situations. It helps to change the dynamics of
uncomfortable relationships. It does not change your husband.
Unschooling embraces that one (child or adult) can only know what is
best for themself. He may not agree that he needs to change. But you
can set boundaries for yourself.
I would not allow myself to remain in an abusive relationship, but a
counselor can help you define your boundaries. The paper trail of
counseling can't hurt in a divorce either. Can't hurt to try.
It could be a journey of recovery for you both.
Pat
in how I react to people and relationships. I know that my
relationship with my child's father will continue whether we are
married or not. It is easier to avoid issues in the short run, but
they do not go away. They only get larger until delt with directly.
Consider reading The Dance of Anger about limit setting and choosing
our reations to situations. It helps to change the dynamics of
uncomfortable relationships. It does not change your husband.
Unschooling embraces that one (child or adult) can only know what is
best for themself. He may not agree that he needs to change. But you
can set boundaries for yourself.
I would not allow myself to remain in an abusive relationship, but a
counselor can help you define your boundaries. The paper trail of
counseling can't hurt in a divorce either. Can't hurt to try.
It could be a journey of recovery for you both.
Pat
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
> In a message dated 6/27/2004 10:02:51 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
> Diamondlady1025@h... writes:
> you should see the ridiculous email my father sent me.
> Completely emotionally abusive and no basis for fact in
> homeschooling. I should post what he wrote on here so everyone
could
> see what a ridiculous email it was)
> =========
>
> Sorry to hear you got crazy e-mail, but please do NOT post it
here. Thanks.
> It won't help others unschool.
>
> Another consideration if you have a six year old.
> He might need two parents more than you need to be right about
something.
>
> Marriage counselling might do your kids more good than unschooling
will.
>
> Sandra
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]