Re:sister posting no boy signs
[email protected]
Hello,
Here's a bit more backround about my situation. Riley does not want to do other things with me, even very cool things. He simply wants to share in whatever his sis is doing. I have spent since he was 2 distracting, finding friends for him to play with also. He doesn't like to go to other peoples homes much, unless I too stay. We just lost yet another one of his best buddies to moving out of town. He has a limited number of friends because he is very selective. He likes much older boys in the homeschooling community. Our neighbor thinks our boys, 7 and 11 are too far apart in age to have sleepovers. I see him forging a few new friends in a swim team recently all 9 and 10 year olds. He sis has 0 tolerance to his presence when she has friends over. She is mean in her words and actions towards him. To meet her needs he needs to be totally away. To meet his needs he needs to be totally included. I tend to support whoever needs the support the most in the moment. I also have a 4.5 year girl. She is included more in the girl play simply because my daughter's friends like to have a living doll to make up, dress, etc. Sometimes the girls seem to provoke attack like play, teasing the boys to chase them, then going behind doors and writing No Boys ever. Part of it is play, but the reaction my son has is too intense and then he loses control and hurts.
Having friends over for Riley helps, yet is not always possible. Our home is tiny, 3 bedrooms and 1 bath., just under 1000sq. feet. My older daughter thinks nothing of being mean. That is where the problem lies. She controls play completely, does not listen well and gets intense herself. I want to stop having her friends over. I am not reacting to this, though, and continue to try again, hoping for improved relations. This daughter has a hug cup and asks for more all the time. She rarely seems satisfied no matter how much loving has been given her. Even when her brother is sincerely giving her some dose of loving response, she snaps at him as if she had heard nothing. I think she is poor at picking up other people's body cues. Classic type A personality, going going no matter what she crushes in her path. I'm asking for some ideas to give her boundries which others have found useful. I expect her to be kind to others yet she does not. How do I help her see her own meanness, the pain she inflicts on her sibs in a peaceful way. How do others react when the expectations are not met. She also wants to hear no complaints and blows up if anyone tries to show her a better way. My thoughts tend towards ackowledging when she does some minor nice things with her sibs, which does happen. The intensity of the mean reactions far outweighs the intensity of the nice reactions. Will others stop having kids over if the sib. can not be kind to her family. I really want to avoid a punishment type of experience as I know from experience it does not generate a peaceful solution. She also asks to have friends over for sleepovers often, which I support.
This got longer than I planned, thank you for reading. The relationship between these 2 kids has been and I know will continue to be intense. Riley has grown recently in his ability to cope. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt, though, day in and day out, by someone I also love. Strange deals raising a family.
Mary
Here's a bit more backround about my situation. Riley does not want to do other things with me, even very cool things. He simply wants to share in whatever his sis is doing. I have spent since he was 2 distracting, finding friends for him to play with also. He doesn't like to go to other peoples homes much, unless I too stay. We just lost yet another one of his best buddies to moving out of town. He has a limited number of friends because he is very selective. He likes much older boys in the homeschooling community. Our neighbor thinks our boys, 7 and 11 are too far apart in age to have sleepovers. I see him forging a few new friends in a swim team recently all 9 and 10 year olds. He sis has 0 tolerance to his presence when she has friends over. She is mean in her words and actions towards him. To meet her needs he needs to be totally away. To meet his needs he needs to be totally included. I tend to support whoever needs the support the most in the moment. I also have a 4.5 year girl. She is included more in the girl play simply because my daughter's friends like to have a living doll to make up, dress, etc. Sometimes the girls seem to provoke attack like play, teasing the boys to chase them, then going behind doors and writing No Boys ever. Part of it is play, but the reaction my son has is too intense and then he loses control and hurts.
Having friends over for Riley helps, yet is not always possible. Our home is tiny, 3 bedrooms and 1 bath., just under 1000sq. feet. My older daughter thinks nothing of being mean. That is where the problem lies. She controls play completely, does not listen well and gets intense herself. I want to stop having her friends over. I am not reacting to this, though, and continue to try again, hoping for improved relations. This daughter has a hug cup and asks for more all the time. She rarely seems satisfied no matter how much loving has been given her. Even when her brother is sincerely giving her some dose of loving response, she snaps at him as if she had heard nothing. I think she is poor at picking up other people's body cues. Classic type A personality, going going no matter what she crushes in her path. I'm asking for some ideas to give her boundries which others have found useful. I expect her to be kind to others yet she does not. How do I help her see her own meanness, the pain she inflicts on her sibs in a peaceful way. How do others react when the expectations are not met. She also wants to hear no complaints and blows up if anyone tries to show her a better way. My thoughts tend towards ackowledging when she does some minor nice things with her sibs, which does happen. The intensity of the mean reactions far outweighs the intensity of the nice reactions. Will others stop having kids over if the sib. can not be kind to her family. I really want to avoid a punishment type of experience as I know from experience it does not generate a peaceful solution. She also asks to have friends over for sleepovers often, which I support.
This got longer than I planned, thank you for reading. The relationship between these 2 kids has been and I know will continue to be intense. Riley has grown recently in his ability to cope. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt, though, day in and day out, by someone I also love. Strange deals raising a family.
Mary
J. Stauffer
<<<<It breaks my heart to see him so hurt, though, day in and day out, by
someone I also love. Strange deals raising a family.>>>>>
What was your relationship like with your siblings? With friends? I am
wondering if there are some leftover issues. Just a thought.
Personally, I would no longer worry about distracting the brother. I would
set a firm boundary that he is not allowed to interfere with the sister's
playdates, period. I would offer him alternatives, but if I needed to
physically pick him up and remove him, I would.
I would tell the daughter that I am willing to do what it takes to give her
space but at the same time, I am absolutely unwilling to have her torture
anyone. If it meant breaking up the playdate I would. (If an adult in the
family had a party and she and a guest emotionally battered another family
member, the party would bust up or the victim and I would leave. Since you
can't just abandon your dd, I would have no problem busting up the party.)
It sounds like the kids have very much gotten into the habit of not
respecting each other, not treating each other as a full human. I talk to
the kids about how it is my job to keep them safe, even if that means safe
from each other. I talk to them about how I wouldn't let someone outside
the family treat them like that so how can I sit by while they do it.
Julie S.---the hardnose
someone I also love. Strange deals raising a family.>>>>>
What was your relationship like with your siblings? With friends? I am
wondering if there are some leftover issues. Just a thought.
Personally, I would no longer worry about distracting the brother. I would
set a firm boundary that he is not allowed to interfere with the sister's
playdates, period. I would offer him alternatives, but if I needed to
physically pick him up and remove him, I would.
I would tell the daughter that I am willing to do what it takes to give her
space but at the same time, I am absolutely unwilling to have her torture
anyone. If it meant breaking up the playdate I would. (If an adult in the
family had a party and she and a guest emotionally battered another family
member, the party would bust up or the victim and I would leave. Since you
can't just abandon your dd, I would have no problem busting up the party.)
It sounds like the kids have very much gotten into the habit of not
respecting each other, not treating each other as a full human. I talk to
the kids about how it is my job to keep them safe, even if that means safe
from each other. I talk to them about how I wouldn't let someone outside
the family treat them like that so how can I sit by while they do it.
Julie S.---the hardnose
----- Original Message -----
From: <maryfhickman@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, June 26, 2004 1:23 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re:sister posting no boy signs
> Hello,
>
> Here's a bit more backround about my situation. Riley does not want to do
other things with me, even very cool things. He simply wants to share in
whatever his sis is doing. I have spent since he was 2 distracting, finding
friends for him to play with also. He doesn't like to go to other peoples
homes much, unless I too stay. We just lost yet another one of his best
buddies to moving out of town. He has a limited number of friends because he
is very selective. He likes much older boys in the homeschooling community.
Our neighbor thinks our boys, 7 and 11 are too far apart in age to have
sleepovers. I see him forging a few new friends in a swim team recently all
9 and 10 year olds. He sis has 0 tolerance to his presence when she has
friends over. She is mean in her words and actions towards him. To meet her
needs he needs to be totally away. To meet his needs he needs to be totally
included. I tend to support whoever needs the support the most in the
moment. I also have a 4.5 year girl. She is included more in the girl play
simply because my daughter's friends like to have a living doll to make up,
dress, etc. Sometimes the girls seem to provoke attack like play, teasing
the boys to chase them, then going behind doors and writing No Boys ever.
Part of it is play, but the reaction my son has is too intense and then he
loses control and hurts.
>
> Having friends over for Riley helps, yet is not always possible. Our home
is tiny, 3 bedrooms and 1 bath., just under 1000sq. feet. My older daughter
thinks nothing of being mean. That is where the problem lies. She controls
play completely, does not listen well and gets intense herself. I want to
stop having her friends over. I am not reacting to this, though, and
continue to try again, hoping for improved relations. This daughter has a
hug cup and asks for more all the time. She rarely seems satisfied no matter
how much loving has been given her. Even when her brother is sincerely
giving her some dose of loving response, she snaps at him as if she had
heard nothing. I think she is poor at picking up other people's body cues.
Classic type A personality, going going no matter what she crushes in her
path. I'm asking for some ideas to give her boundries which others have
found useful. I expect her to be kind to others yet she does not. How do I
help her see her own meanness, the pain she inflicts on her sibs in a
peaceful way. How do others react when the expectations are not met. She
also wants to hear no complaints and blows up if anyone tries to show her a
better way. My thoughts tend towards ackowledging when she does some minor
nice things with her sibs, which does happen. The intensity of the mean
reactions far outweighs the intensity of the nice reactions. Will others
stop having kids over if the sib. can not be kind to her family. I really
want to avoid a punishment type of experience as I know from experience it
does not generate a peaceful solution. She also asks to have friends over
for sleepovers often, which I support.
>
> This got longer than I planned, thank you for reading. The relationship
between these 2 kids has been and I know will continue to be intense. Riley
has grown recently in his ability to cope. It breaks my heart to see him so
hurt, though, day in and day out, by someone I also love. Strange deals
raising a family.
>
> Mary
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/26/04 12:24:34 PM, maryfhickman@... writes:
<< To meet her needs he needs to be totally away. To meet his needs he needs
to be totally included. I tend to support whoever needs the support the most
in the moment. >>
But that can lead to a needy or an expressive child wrecking another child's
life by being "the most needy" in the moment.
<<Sometimes the girls seem to provoke attack like play, teasing the boys to
chase them, then going behind doors and writing No Boys ever. >>
We had some of this, as Kirby exluded Marty for a couple of years, and then
they both excluded Holly for a while. They've all gotten over it almost
completely. Last night Kirby was going to a movie for a friend's birthday (with a
group) and though Marty would probaby have been included, he had company
already and Kirby told me it might be best for him not to invite Marty this time.
(They're 17 and 15.) That was fine.
Holly was being a part of the group of friends Marty had over to play orc
ball. The orc ball game hadn't happened, but they'd stayed and played a board
game and watched a movie, and Holly was involved.
But when they were little, I would find something special for the child who
was left out, and at the same time as the older ones not to be hurtful about
it. It can't be perfect, but it can be minimalized.
<< the reaction my son has is too intense and then he loses control and
hurts. >>
Hurts inside?
Or hurts others, or things?
<<My older daughter thinks nothing of being mean. That is where the problem
lies. She controls play completely, does not listen well and gets intense
herself. I want to stop having her friends over. >>
That would be mean, to keep her from having friends.
Can she go to the friends' house more often? Maybe, since the house is
small, you could help provide snacks or movies for her and her friends at another
house, and so your son wouldn't feel so crowded, and maybe get more into being
with you.
-=. I expect her to be kind to others yet she does not. How do I help her see
her own meanness, the pain she inflicts on her sibs in a peaceful way. -=-
By examples when you see others being mean, or when someone has been mean to
her, mention gently that that's probably how her brother feels sometimes. But
it's not fair to make her responsible for her brother's happiness. She
didn't "have a brother," you had another child, so the burden of providing safety
and optimal peace falls on you, the mom.
-=-Riley has grown recently in his ability to cope. It breaks my heart to see
him so hurt, though, day in and day out, by someone I also love.-=-
My kids don't remember their hurts as vividly as I was afraid they would.
They've really come to like each other, but it wasn't always so.
Would it help to have special toys or games, either that he hasn't seen or
hasn't seen lately, and bring them out when she has company? Or rent a new
kid-movie he hasn't seen, when she has company, and tell her and her friends to
leave him alone to watch the movie if they can't include him?
Is it possible for you to plan some things to do with all the kids and be in
on it instead of letting her plan her whole party in a more private,
behind-doors fashion? Or at least an activity when they're first all there?
Sculptures with mini-marshmallows and flat toothpicks, or a game that involves teams,
and words or singing (Encore, or Blurt, both are good with mixed ages). If the
younger kids have an opportunity to interact, maybe they won't feel so
"other," and the older kids will find common ground and reason to respect them a bit
for something real, not because a mom said to.
Can you find a peaceful time when nobody else is home and brainstorm with the
kids all together about what might help in the future? And remember the
future will change. They'll be a year older in just one year. <g>
Sandra
<< To meet her needs he needs to be totally away. To meet his needs he needs
to be totally included. I tend to support whoever needs the support the most
in the moment. >>
But that can lead to a needy or an expressive child wrecking another child's
life by being "the most needy" in the moment.
<<Sometimes the girls seem to provoke attack like play, teasing the boys to
chase them, then going behind doors and writing No Boys ever. >>
We had some of this, as Kirby exluded Marty for a couple of years, and then
they both excluded Holly for a while. They've all gotten over it almost
completely. Last night Kirby was going to a movie for a friend's birthday (with a
group) and though Marty would probaby have been included, he had company
already and Kirby told me it might be best for him not to invite Marty this time.
(They're 17 and 15.) That was fine.
Holly was being a part of the group of friends Marty had over to play orc
ball. The orc ball game hadn't happened, but they'd stayed and played a board
game and watched a movie, and Holly was involved.
But when they were little, I would find something special for the child who
was left out, and at the same time as the older ones not to be hurtful about
it. It can't be perfect, but it can be minimalized.
<< the reaction my son has is too intense and then he loses control and
hurts. >>
Hurts inside?
Or hurts others, or things?
<<My older daughter thinks nothing of being mean. That is where the problem
lies. She controls play completely, does not listen well and gets intense
herself. I want to stop having her friends over. >>
That would be mean, to keep her from having friends.
Can she go to the friends' house more often? Maybe, since the house is
small, you could help provide snacks or movies for her and her friends at another
house, and so your son wouldn't feel so crowded, and maybe get more into being
with you.
-=. I expect her to be kind to others yet she does not. How do I help her see
her own meanness, the pain she inflicts on her sibs in a peaceful way. -=-
By examples when you see others being mean, or when someone has been mean to
her, mention gently that that's probably how her brother feels sometimes. But
it's not fair to make her responsible for her brother's happiness. She
didn't "have a brother," you had another child, so the burden of providing safety
and optimal peace falls on you, the mom.
-=-Riley has grown recently in his ability to cope. It breaks my heart to see
him so hurt, though, day in and day out, by someone I also love.-=-
My kids don't remember their hurts as vividly as I was afraid they would.
They've really come to like each other, but it wasn't always so.
Would it help to have special toys or games, either that he hasn't seen or
hasn't seen lately, and bring them out when she has company? Or rent a new
kid-movie he hasn't seen, when she has company, and tell her and her friends to
leave him alone to watch the movie if they can't include him?
Is it possible for you to plan some things to do with all the kids and be in
on it instead of letting her plan her whole party in a more private,
behind-doors fashion? Or at least an activity when they're first all there?
Sculptures with mini-marshmallows and flat toothpicks, or a game that involves teams,
and words or singing (Encore, or Blurt, both are good with mixed ages). If the
younger kids have an opportunity to interact, maybe they won't feel so
"other," and the older kids will find common ground and reason to respect them a bit
for something real, not because a mom said to.
Can you find a peaceful time when nobody else is home and brainstorm with the
kids all together about what might help in the future? And remember the
future will change. They'll be a year older in just one year. <g>
Sandra