Re: depression
[email protected]
Hi Allyson and all -
I see that you've gotten several responses to your post... I've read a few of
them.....I'd like to respond to something in your 1st msg....
I'm Jane ....
I know that it is very very difficult to watch someone struggle with
depression. It can be consuming. The other person's happiness becomes a priority.
Sometimes there is a tendency to be 'overhappy' in hopes that it will spread to
the depressed person. It then can be frustrating if the other person
doesn't respond. There can be a whole dynamic around a family member's depression
and everyone else's responses. Your family has a history of depression and
probably co-depression or co-dependency - (that's an assumption based on your
and your mother's experiences with depression.)
Re: your message, I want to point out that choosing to "let her live here"
and "helping her become whole again" are very separate and independent notions.
You can do one without the other. (Actually, I don't know if you can do the
latter one) You can also have requirements for her living with you. You can
have boundaries for your own involvement in her emotional wellbeing...
Here are some possibilities that come to my mind....
# "Mom, I love you so much and I truly am glad for the opportunity for you to
live with us and be around your grandchild. However, I have struggled with
depression in the way you are now and I need to keep my distance from that in
order not to be sucked down that road again. I want to be supportive but
ultimately you are responsible for your own healing. What ideas do you have for
moving in that direction?"
# You can talk to your daughter about depression and about possible responses
when grandma (or anyone!) 'overhelps'....
# Because her depression is having an impact on your family, you can make
other choices. You can continue hosting her in the house. You can require her
see a doctor/therapist/massage therapist/etc. You can help her move out so
that you can be supportive without sacrificing your own sanity. You can see a
therapist to help you.
#"Mom, I know life has been hard for you and that you're so sad. I'm so
sorry for that. I love you so very much and want you to be well. I'm glad for
you to live here so that I know that you're getting healthy food and that you're
around people who love you. You need more than I can give, though,
emotionally and physically. Please don't be afraid of trying something new. Look
where the familiar has gotten us! This is really an opportunity to create new
things in your life with the help of good medical care and spiritual/emotional
help. Let's let go of the past and look forward to new things.
The way I see it, you are NOT responsible for 'helping' or 'healing' your
mother. You cannot make her whole (she already is whole, btw!). You can offer
acceptance and information and express your own love and limitations.
Best wishes, Allyson.... Thank you for writing to the group.....
Jane
In a message dated 6/25/2004 12:25:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
Allyson wrote:
I see that you've gotten several responses to your post... I've read a few of
them.....I'd like to respond to something in your 1st msg....
I'm Jane ....
I know that it is very very difficult to watch someone struggle with
depression. It can be consuming. The other person's happiness becomes a priority.
Sometimes there is a tendency to be 'overhappy' in hopes that it will spread to
the depressed person. It then can be frustrating if the other person
doesn't respond. There can be a whole dynamic around a family member's depression
and everyone else's responses. Your family has a history of depression and
probably co-depression or co-dependency - (that's an assumption based on your
and your mother's experiences with depression.)
Re: your message, I want to point out that choosing to "let her live here"
and "helping her become whole again" are very separate and independent notions.
You can do one without the other. (Actually, I don't know if you can do the
latter one) You can also have requirements for her living with you. You can
have boundaries for your own involvement in her emotional wellbeing...
Here are some possibilities that come to my mind....
# "Mom, I love you so much and I truly am glad for the opportunity for you to
live with us and be around your grandchild. However, I have struggled with
depression in the way you are now and I need to keep my distance from that in
order not to be sucked down that road again. I want to be supportive but
ultimately you are responsible for your own healing. What ideas do you have for
moving in that direction?"
# You can talk to your daughter about depression and about possible responses
when grandma (or anyone!) 'overhelps'....
# Because her depression is having an impact on your family, you can make
other choices. You can continue hosting her in the house. You can require her
see a doctor/therapist/massage therapist/etc. You can help her move out so
that you can be supportive without sacrificing your own sanity. You can see a
therapist to help you.
#"Mom, I know life has been hard for you and that you're so sad. I'm so
sorry for that. I love you so very much and want you to be well. I'm glad for
you to live here so that I know that you're getting healthy food and that you're
around people who love you. You need more than I can give, though,
emotionally and physically. Please don't be afraid of trying something new. Look
where the familiar has gotten us! This is really an opportunity to create new
things in your life with the help of good medical care and spiritual/emotional
help. Let's let go of the past and look forward to new things.
The way I see it, you are NOT responsible for 'helping' or 'healing' your
mother. You cannot make her whole (she already is whole, btw!). You can offer
acceptance and information and express your own love and limitations.
Best wishes, Allyson.... Thank you for writing to the group.....
Jane
In a message dated 6/25/2004 12:25:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
Allyson wrote:
> . I[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> mean, I CHOSE to let her live here, and I am choosing to make it
> work, but that means helping her become whole again, because her
> depression is having an impact on our family, particularly my 4yo
> dd. That's another thread though... and I think just a symptom of
> this issue.
>