family bed and celibacy
[email protected]
My daughters are five-and-a-half and seven. The first one slept in my bed from 9 months until just after five years for at least part of the night. The second one is still there from about 12:30 on. We have always put them to bed in their own shared king-size bed since they were two-and-a-half and one. One of us lays with them until they are asleep.
I am a person who needs a lot of space when I sleep. Having more than two people in my bed really crowds me. So there is a lot of bed swapping going on. Especially since I hate to wake up in their bed (even if they are not in it); so I tried to get them back to sleep in their own bed and return to mine. Until a couple months ago, my husband traveled M-F so all the bed hopping was up to me. I was really tired most of the time. Now, he usually goes into their room to sleep in the big bed. The elder daughter either sleeps there too or she might be up in the loft bed in their room.
Are we celibate? Well, mostly. We're boring old farts who really only like to do it in bed. And we can never seem to get in the mood early enough in the evening to be done before the bed parade starts. Also, with him traveling so frequently in the past our libidoes rarely seemed in sync and we just got out of the habit. We've tried it a few times in their bed (ick) or the living room floor (tried three separate occasions, got interrupted by a wandering child every time) and once on the fold-out futon (this was our second or third try in the same night and we were so frantic to get finished before yet another little pitter patter that it really wasn't worth it). The obvious answer (to my husband) is to lock the bedroom door in The Moment but I refuse due to memories of being locked out of my parents room when I'd had nightmares and crying myself to sleep outside their door.
So we get busy about once a month. I figure that sooner or later, we'll get our privacy back and/or I'll get enough sleep and appropriate hormone manipulation that I'll care enough to find some other way.
No, my husband is not happy with the status quo.
Sandra
I am a person who needs a lot of space when I sleep. Having more than two people in my bed really crowds me. So there is a lot of bed swapping going on. Especially since I hate to wake up in their bed (even if they are not in it); so I tried to get them back to sleep in their own bed and return to mine. Until a couple months ago, my husband traveled M-F so all the bed hopping was up to me. I was really tired most of the time. Now, he usually goes into their room to sleep in the big bed. The elder daughter either sleeps there too or she might be up in the loft bed in their room.
Are we celibate? Well, mostly. We're boring old farts who really only like to do it in bed. And we can never seem to get in the mood early enough in the evening to be done before the bed parade starts. Also, with him traveling so frequently in the past our libidoes rarely seemed in sync and we just got out of the habit. We've tried it a few times in their bed (ick) or the living room floor (tried three separate occasions, got interrupted by a wandering child every time) and once on the fold-out futon (this was our second or third try in the same night and we were so frantic to get finished before yet another little pitter patter that it really wasn't worth it). The obvious answer (to my husband) is to lock the bedroom door in The Moment but I refuse due to memories of being locked out of my parents room when I'd had nightmares and crying myself to sleep outside their door.
So we get busy about once a month. I figure that sooner or later, we'll get our privacy back and/or I'll get enough sleep and appropriate hormone manipulation that I'll care enough to find some other way.
No, my husband is not happy with the status quo.
Sandra
Elizabeth Hill
**
The obvious answer (to my husband) is to lock the bedroom door in The Moment but I refuse due to memories of being locked out of my parents room when I'd had nightmares and crying myself to sleep outside their door.**
My mom tells me that she would find my brother sleeping up against her locked bedroom door sometimes. That helped me see that kids do need their parents at night pretty often and helped bolster my choice to have a family bed.
But, I do lock the door when I'm spending "quality time" with my husband. Then I don't have to listen constantly for footsteps (which makes me tense), I just hear the sound of knocking. I try not to sound too embarassed when I call out "what is it" or "just a minute". And I try not to be too grouchy about the fact of the interruption. I figure having to wait a minute or two is not traumatic in the way being completely locked out is. And he doesn't have to wait to speak to us; we answer right away.
At around the age of 8 it seemed like my son figured out he could get permission for almost anything if he knocked on the door when we were busy. (Sometimes during a 1 hour TV show.) It was *almost* like -- "Can I have a whole bag of marshmellows?" "Yeah, anything, just leave!" <bweg>
Betsy
The obvious answer (to my husband) is to lock the bedroom door in The Moment but I refuse due to memories of being locked out of my parents room when I'd had nightmares and crying myself to sleep outside their door.**
My mom tells me that she would find my brother sleeping up against her locked bedroom door sometimes. That helped me see that kids do need their parents at night pretty often and helped bolster my choice to have a family bed.
But, I do lock the door when I'm spending "quality time" with my husband. Then I don't have to listen constantly for footsteps (which makes me tense), I just hear the sound of knocking. I try not to sound too embarassed when I call out "what is it" or "just a minute". And I try not to be too grouchy about the fact of the interruption. I figure having to wait a minute or two is not traumatic in the way being completely locked out is. And he doesn't have to wait to speak to us; we answer right away.
At around the age of 8 it seemed like my son figured out he could get permission for almost anything if he knocked on the door when we were busy. (Sometimes during a 1 hour TV show.) It was *almost* like -- "Can I have a whole bag of marshmellows?" "Yeah, anything, just leave!" <bweg>
Betsy
badolbilz
We have 4 dd under 8. I haven't actually slept in the same bed with my
husband for at least a few years and when I did, I was never in it for a
whole night after the oldest moved into her own bed. Now all the girls
and I share a bed while dh gets his own. We manage to find private time
together during the day or evening when all the girls are busy.
Sometimes they're all upstairs, so we're down. Sometimes we slip down
to the basement. Sometimes we use his bed while they're downstairs. My
oldest is on to us. Both older girls know about sex and, having gone
through two more pregnancies with me, know more about that then some
adults. There's been times when we've been coming down afterwards and
they'll all be sitting on the stairs waiting for us. Gulp! I've told
them that mommies and daddies need to be alone sometimes for a happy
marriage. I've also told my oldest that I feel embarrassed if they all
hang out on the stairs when they know I'm "spending some time with
Daddy" and could she please try to keep everyone from doing that. They
always know that if they need me and it's really important, I'll be
there in a second. More times then not we get interupted and sometimes
we try to keep it going afterward, but ofter we just quit. And that's
okay, too.
I think it's important not to lie to them or make it out like it's
something dirty. But they should also know that it's a very private
moment and that as loving adults, we need that time together to connect
and touch and renew our love.
Heidi
husband for at least a few years and when I did, I was never in it for a
whole night after the oldest moved into her own bed. Now all the girls
and I share a bed while dh gets his own. We manage to find private time
together during the day or evening when all the girls are busy.
Sometimes they're all upstairs, so we're down. Sometimes we slip down
to the basement. Sometimes we use his bed while they're downstairs. My
oldest is on to us. Both older girls know about sex and, having gone
through two more pregnancies with me, know more about that then some
adults. There's been times when we've been coming down afterwards and
they'll all be sitting on the stairs waiting for us. Gulp! I've told
them that mommies and daddies need to be alone sometimes for a happy
marriage. I've also told my oldest that I feel embarrassed if they all
hang out on the stairs when they know I'm "spending some time with
Daddy" and could she please try to keep everyone from doing that. They
always know that if they need me and it's really important, I'll be
there in a second. More times then not we get interupted and sometimes
we try to keep it going afterward, but ofter we just quit. And that's
okay, too.
I think it's important not to lie to them or make it out like it's
something dirty. But they should also know that it's a very private
moment and that as loving adults, we need that time together to connect
and touch and renew our love.
Heidi
[email protected]
New to this board so take this for what its worth
we sleep with our just turned 3yo son and have never had trouble. I have
a small toddler size bed (homemade) attached to my side of the bed my
son loves it but doesnt use it as a rule. I wait till he's asleep He
still nurses at night and then I push him into his own bed. my hubby and
I have never really had a problem with time together our son sleeps
right through it no problem. I guess as he gets older it might get to be
a problem but what we used to do with the older kids was video and a
treat, mom and dad are going to go rest for awhile;-)
Or we give the oldest money and he drives the kids all to DQ, they have
to eat their treat there, we take advantage of the time alone. There have
been the off time that things didnt work out like the 3yo couldnt fall
asleep or something but those times are rare.We have four kids and they
have all slept with us at one time or another and we have never been
caught in the act yet..Geez I hope our luck holds...Cece
we sleep with our just turned 3yo son and have never had trouble. I have
a small toddler size bed (homemade) attached to my side of the bed my
son loves it but doesnt use it as a rule. I wait till he's asleep He
still nurses at night and then I push him into his own bed. my hubby and
I have never really had a problem with time together our son sleeps
right through it no problem. I guess as he gets older it might get to be
a problem but what we used to do with the older kids was video and a
treat, mom and dad are going to go rest for awhile;-)
Or we give the oldest money and he drives the kids all to DQ, they have
to eat their treat there, we take advantage of the time alone. There have
been the off time that things didnt work out like the 3yo couldnt fall
asleep or something but those times are rare.We have four kids and they
have all slept with us at one time or another and we have never been
caught in the act yet..Geez I hope our luck holds...Cece
[email protected]
I'm wondering why this is such an ingrained attitude in our society that it's
uncomfortable or not okay to get caught? I feel like I wish it could be okay
to be open about it...but there's so many cultural taboos. I remember walking
in on my parents and my father being sort of angry and they immediately
covering up and it left me w/the impression that sex was to be hidden and that I did
something wrong for catching them...so I had this sex/guilt connection that
was/is hard to shake. Yet, w/the Native American story I was a little shocked
when I actually pictured that occurring... in a different culture I could see
how magical and beautiful that is...but in our culture it seems so taboo.
I'm a single mom so haven't dealt w/this, yet...but lately I've been
wondering the same thing about where people w/family beds have sex and how they find
the time or energy to leave the room and also if it's okay to not leave the
room and how to handle that
Thanks for all the candid answers and ideas!
Sparkles,
Debbie~:)
In a message dated 6/3/04 12:21:44 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
uncomfortable or not okay to get caught? I feel like I wish it could be okay
to be open about it...but there's so many cultural taboos. I remember walking
in on my parents and my father being sort of angry and they immediately
covering up and it left me w/the impression that sex was to be hidden and that I did
something wrong for catching them...so I had this sex/guilt connection that
was/is hard to shake. Yet, w/the Native American story I was a little shocked
when I actually pictured that occurring... in a different culture I could see
how magical and beautiful that is...but in our culture it seems so taboo.
I'm a single mom so haven't dealt w/this, yet...but lately I've been
wondering the same thing about where people w/family beds have sex and how they find
the time or energy to leave the room and also if it's okay to not leave the
room and how to handle that
Thanks for all the candid answers and ideas!
Sparkles,
Debbie~:)
In a message dated 6/3/04 12:21:44 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
> We have four kids and they[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> have all slept with us at one time or another and we have never been
> caught in the act yet..Geez I hope our luck holds...Cece
[email protected]
When both of the boys were little we didn't bother to leave the room, as they got older and any noise and movement was disturbing their sleep we decided to move to other rooms. Didn't think of it as a don't let them catch us/see us thing, we looked at it as they hardely ever sleep, so lets lets them sleep thing.
I read in a pagan parenting book once the way one family handled it when their son-about 4 at the time I think-came into their room one night while they were making love, they stoped what they were doing asked him if he needed anything, he asked them what they were doing, and they to him they were haveing a together hug, he asked if he could have some of the together hug and they both opened their arms to hug him. They asked if he needed to sleep with them, and he said no and wondered back to his bed.
I thought it was a sweet way to deal with it, and it showed me, I was preg, with Jaiden at the time, that I didn't HAVE to make a huge deal about kids catching us having sex and that it was okay, if they did.
~Rebecca
--
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin
I read in a pagan parenting book once the way one family handled it when their son-about 4 at the time I think-came into their room one night while they were making love, they stoped what they were doing asked him if he needed anything, he asked them what they were doing, and they to him they were haveing a together hug, he asked if he could have some of the together hug and they both opened their arms to hug him. They asked if he needed to sleep with them, and he said no and wondered back to his bed.
I thought it was a sweet way to deal with it, and it showed me, I was preg, with Jaiden at the time, that I didn't HAVE to make a huge deal about kids catching us having sex and that it was okay, if they did.
~Rebecca
--
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin
> I'm a single mom so haven't dealt w/this, yet...but lately I've been
> wondering the same thing about where people w/family beds have sex and how they
> find
> the time or energy to leave the room and also if it's okay to not leave the
> room and how to handle that
[email protected]
Thanks, Rebecca~:)
In a message dated 6/4/04 1:00:49 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
In a message dated 6/4/04 1:00:49 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
> I thought it was a sweet way to deal with it, and it showed me, I was[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> preg, with Jaiden at the time, that I didn't HAVE to make a huge deal about kids
> catching us having sex and that it was okay, if they did.
mozafamily
After 15 years of marriage we "do it" in some pretty different ways -
I could just hear my 6yo complaining if he cought us in the act -
"It's NOT Fair!!! How come I always have to put on clothes when I
do gymnastics - and adults get to do gymnastics in the NUDE??"
Laughing! I think we would try and explain to him that it was
something that mommies and daddies do together that's special for
them, perhaps that would lead to other discussions - who knows!
- In [email protected], Rosybluestar@c... wrote:
I could just hear my 6yo complaining if he cought us in the act -
"It's NOT Fair!!! How come I always have to put on clothes when I
do gymnastics - and adults get to do gymnastics in the NUDE??"
Laughing! I think we would try and explain to him that it was
something that mommies and daddies do together that's special for
them, perhaps that would lead to other discussions - who knows!
- In [email protected], Rosybluestar@c... wrote:
> Thanks, Rebecca~:)I was
>
> In a message dated 6/4/04 1:00:49 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
> [email protected] writes:
> > I thought it was a sweet way to deal with it, and it showed me,
> > preg, with Jaiden at the time, that I didn't HAVE to make a hugedeal about kids
> > catching us having sex and that it was okay, if they did.
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]